Depression/Anxiety/Suicidal thoughts?

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Supernova-Daydreams

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Hi, everyone. :)

So, I am a new member here and lately, I have been dealing with HORRIBLE depression and anxiety.
When I was about 12, just hitting puberty, I started noticing extreme changes in my perception....
I was taken to Seattle where I saw a bunch of different neurologist which, all said that trying to perform surgery to alleviate the pressure change and fluid in my head from a grade 4 brain bleed at birth, would prove ineffective.
So, I have been dealing with this for more than a decade, and still, every night before I goto sleep, I have the small ray of hope that I might wake up normal again.

Its like some sort of "acid" trip or feeling like you're completely ungrounded.
Like, a hellish perpetual dream-state.
And it is ALWAYS there. ALWAYS.

I have been on maybe 15-20 different medications (mood stabilizers, anti-anxiety and a couple of anti-psychotics)
Nothing... and I mean, NOTHING has even remotely helped.
I see a therapist that manages my medication and whatnot....she knows everything that is going on with me and she STILL thinks the problem is anxiety.
I dropped out of high school a year before graduating because I felt like I couldnt do it.
In hindsight, I know I could have lasted one more year.
And that is one of my largest regrets. :(

I thought that everything would settle, in terms of my anxiety and depression, and just go away.
Well, not yet.
And its never going to....
My mother loves me. And she knows what Im dealing with.
Shes been there every step of the way.
CAT scans and doctors appointments.

My dad is out of the picture. They got divorced when I was 10, or so.
I still talk to him, but every time I do, I feel like he doesnt register what is happening.
Just today, he told me everything was going to be alright.
But I dont believe it. I am engaged and I love art.
I used to draw all the time.
I love my friends, family, fiance and our dog....but, Im not sure I can keep going through the motions of living much longer.
And whats even more terrifying, is Im starting to accept the fact that Im close to the end of my life.
I am constantly trying to find happiness through art, reading, distracting myself with anime and videos.
Nothing works anymore. :'(

Anyway, Im sorry if this is sad, but I wanted to let you all know that Im still here....and Im going to continue to fight. Until I cant anymore.

Thanks for reading, guys.
It means a lot to me....
Im so glad I found this forum.

If anyone else is dealing with the same stuff, maybe we can talk.
Add my FC, and let me know so I can add yours.

Love you~
 
My dad is out of the picture. They got divorced when I was 10, or so.
I still talk to him, but every time I do, I feel like he doesnt register what is happening.
Just today, he told me everything was going to be alright.
But I dont believe it. I am engaged and I love art.
I used to draw all the time.
I love my friends, family, fiance and our dog....but, Im not sure I can keep going through the motions of living much longer.
And whats even more terrifying, is Im starting to accept the fact that Im close to the end of my life.
I am constantly trying to find happiness through art, reading, distracting myself with anime and videos.
Nothing works anymore. :'(


This hit me, i feel your struggle with medication, i have been on many sorts for the past 3/4 years, and they've had to change because of my age, and the severity- But there is a medication that helps everybody! It sucks that the people you see seem to think its less then it it: which i know makes you feel worse, but maybe try to tell them that (harder then it seems, i am aware) but try and be like 'exsqueeze me, no no no this is what i feel' It might help to write it down? then you can see how you felt, even show them how you feel from that paper? (this helped me a lot). But it will go, and it won't be as poo for your whole life, it just sucks that it does now!! Keep doing the thngs you enjoy now, slowly pushing yourself to do the things that might seem more of a struggle. Bur don't give up, you'll get through this <3

STAY STRONGGGGG
 
you should tell a doctor or psychologist about the increasing suicidal thoughts. there is help to get that could make it easier for u. even tho it's not going to just Bam make u feel great but yeah if your mental health is getting worse you should probably get more treatment for it

medication Sucks and it can be difficult to find the right ones that will work for you. 20 different ones sound like Hell but it might b worth it if u find one that works
 
lucyhannahg said:
My dad is out of the picture. They got divorced when I was 10, or so.
I still talk to him, but every time I do, I feel like he doesnt register what is happening.
Just today, he told me everything was going to be alright.
But I dont believe it. I am engaged and I love art.
I used to draw all the time.
I love my friends, family, fiance and our dog....but, Im not sure I can keep going through the motions of living much longer.
And whats even more terrifying, is Im starting to accept the fact that Im close to the end of my life.
I am constantly trying to find happiness through art, reading, distracting myself with anime and videos.
Nothing works anymore. :'(


This hit me, i feel your struggle with medication, i have been on many sorts for the past 3/4 years, and they've had to change because of my age, and the severity- But there is a medication that helps everybody! It sucks that the people you see seem to think its less then it it: which i know makes you feel worse, but maybe try to tell them that (harder then it seems, i am aware) but try and be like 'exsqueeze me, no no no this is what i feel' It might help to write it down? then you can see how you felt, even show them how you feel from that paper? (this helped me a lot). But it will go, and it won't be as poo for your whole life, it just sucks that it does now!! Keep doing the thngs you enjoy now, slowly pushing yourself to do the things that might seem more of a struggle. Bur don't give up, you'll get through this <3

STAY STRONGGGGG
Click to expand...

I am going to push until I cant push anymore!
At least, thats what I tell my momma :(

The other day I was with her, we were talking about, you know, how I've been feeling and she grabbed my hands and started crying, then said "I cant loose you. You're my baby-girl..."

its STILL burned in my head.
The way she closed her eyes and started hyperventilating..... :'(
I did this to her I put her through this hell, and I never meant to.
She tells me time and time again that Im NOT a burden and a waste of space like I always think I am.
Her and I are going shopping tomorrow, actually.
I am going to have a good time and NO depressed thoughts.
I've been telling myself this like some sort of mantra... I just cant see her cry like that again.
It. Really. REALLY. Kills. Me. :(
 
I really empathize with you. My dad and I both have severe depression and anxiety, and mine started when I was about 8 years old. I miss feeling carefree and happy all the time, but I know there is always hope for things to get better. I'd love to play with you sometime or just chat about stuff. You seem like a really strong and brave person and I am very proud of you for surviving this long. Please don't feel alone, because somebody out here really cares about you.
 
I've suffered with anxiety issues for many years now. It started around the same time you said, actually, and it's this horrible feeling of "will I ever feel the way I did before?" that always gets at me. Will I ever stop worrying? Will my anxiety ever go away?

I promise you that it gets better, though. As hard that may seem to believe at times, this thread is full of examples of the positivity in the world.

Express your emotions through your work and you'll find an outlet to express yourself. Surround yourself with positive people and cut out all the negativity mercilessly.

You sound like such a brave soul. You can overcome anything.
 
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It actually brightens my heart to see so many people sharing their story, WE ARE STRONGER TOGETHER :lemon: i really do hope, that we all overcome our problems and that people seek the help they deserve!!
 
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You've lasted this long through, which is amazing. I might not be able to offer some amazing life changing advice, but keep moving forward even if it's only an inch at a time.
 
Ok so I haven't dealt with anxiety etc but I have dealt with Schizophrenia and depression. it's awful and when you feel like someone close to you doesn't register it you can feel bad about it. I've went through some stuff myself, my mother left me. my father was a pedo and my overall experience with life wasn't great until my friend told me that I can stop worrying. they told me to shut the **** up because it's not worth it . life id a big rollercoaster. go ride it happily and you'll find the rollercoaster as enjoyable and thrilling as you want it to be
 
Oh another one of these threads


You could probably dig 4 years back to my very first posts and I was still depressed. I remember trying to kill myself when I was around 7 by drowning myself in the pool. I thought about death and how nice it would feel to end it all, to no longer have to face my scary father.


Currently I have anxiety, major depression, and PTSD diagnosed. I am suicidal most the time, I guess because I don't really want to live. I still don't. I mostly have trouble talking to people physically nowadays, I stopped talking to my school friends in the last year. Whenever I go out to get food I hate it - especially if people ask me out or hit on me when I'm out. It makes me so anxious because I'm scared of people, mostly because I was molested as a child.


Mostly I'm embarrassed by how ****ed up I was and still am, mostly think about dying so I can stop embarrassing myself.


Idk, I don't think I'm dying, I am sick a lot but I am sorry you are sick. That sounds horrible. I can relate kind of to the hell part, whenever I sleep I have horrible nightmares and sleep paralysis. I relive my trauma often in my dreams, or I sometimes know I'm sleeping..and I'm stuck sleeping but imagining my abuser standing above me and staring at me the whole time.

That scares me so much everytime I manage to break free and wake up.


I mostly keep something near me to kill myself with, my family does not know since I hide it well. I don't intend on using it now or soon, but its there if I ever get the guts to just die. I do sometimes think of my mother like you do OP, but unfortunately I cannot forgive her completely yet. I can't forgive the moment she turned her back on me to side with my abuser because she was in love with him, even though I had cried to her and told her what had happened between him and I.


It's better now, but that will never leave my mind.


I mean yeah I have friends, people who love me and stuff whatever, but I guess I'm too depressed to care. I don't know why I'm alive at this point, I mostly keep stupid things to keep me distracted from my suicidal thoughts.


I research suicide methods a lot, I guess because I know a site that documents the pain scale and methods etc. The only thing stopping me is pain. Not love or regret. If I could do it in an instant, I would.


Ultimately OP I hope you manage to live a healthy long life, and make the best of it. I hope things both turn out to be okay for us. But to be frank I don't know how much longer I can keep living, it becomes so much of a chore. A decade later, and I'm still as depressed and suicidal as ever. I just have more baggage and trauma now, fun.
 
Hello, there. I know what you are going through. I myself suffer from severe social anxiety, major depressive disorder, and borderline personality disorder. I also live in a group home for the mentally ill.
Like you, I was forced to drop out of high school because of my depression and anxiety. I would come to class, crying and it got to the point where I was having anxiety attacks on a weekly basis because of all the people who bullied and talked about me. I've been on and off medication since I was 15, and sadly, my parents aren't very supportive.
Personally, I have been treated for attempted suicide and suicidal ideation 3 times and it isn't something I would wish on anyone. If you ever feel like hurting yourself, please message me and I can put you in touch with a US based suicide hotline.
 
I know what it's like to be suicidal, try it and be disappointed when you fail.
I've been self harming since I was 10 and suicidal since I wa 15.
I did try and reach out a few years ago and went to see someone about how I felt but she wasn't interested in me as I wasn't a 'serious self harmer', she told me it with disdain that she only deals with people who suffer from serious self harm.
To be honest I refuse to talk to anyone as how can I talk to someone about this if they've never been through it themselves? I don't think they have a right to tell others how to feel and behave.
 
Arjh said:
I know what it's like to be suicidal, try it and be disappointed when you fail.
I've been self harming since I was 10 and suicidal since I wa 15.
I did try and reach out a few years ago and went to see someone about how I felt but she wasn't interested in me as I wasn't a 'serious self harmer', she told me it with disdain that she only deals with people who suffer from serious self harm.
To be honest I refuse to talk to anyone as how can I talk to someone about this if they've never been through it themselves? I don't think they have a right to tell others how to feel and behave.
Click to expand...

skdjfkdj i thought you meant "i know what it's like to be suicidal, (you should) try it and be disappointed when you fail" .,,

also what does "serious" self harmer even mean lmfao professionals who won't treat someone because they aren't "bad enough" are stupid, where do they think the Serious™ cases started out i mean ...

i think you should try getting professional help again, though. there are a bunch of sucky people working with mental healthcare but there are many good ones too. they might not be able to fully understand what you are going through but their education has taught them how to treat people w these kinds of issues and therapy can help ppl tons. sometimes other people can be good support and help u even though they've never been suicidal.
i mean i get it, sometimes it feels really weird for me to talk about my self harm issues with someone with smooth, scarless arms but at the same time they know how to deal with it and the profesionals i've had treating me for self harm have been great and while they haven't expperienced what i have they still have a bunch of knowledge about and experience with self harm, like, one of the psychologists that have been treating me is getting his doctorate on self harm so it'd be kinda weird if he knew nothing about what it's like lol. so idk i think that sometimes you just need someone who kind of understands and tries to help you and i also think people dont always Have to have experienced something to be able to help people who have.

also if the person you're seeing is telling you how to feel or behave (especially if they don't listen to you or are ignorant) i think you should see someone else. telling someone to just stop hurting themself won't actually help them stop self harming, they need to be helped with getting other ways to cope and deal with their feelings. idk i just think getting help can be worth a try
 
I deal with OCD daily. Not a kind of OCD you can easily recognize, but my legs are constantly in pain and I have to clench them to the point where I unintentionally hurt myself. A lot of people think I self diagnosed myself since they just associate OCD with tapping things and being extremely neat, but it's not like that. It inhibits my everyday life but I dont like to let other people notice it or else i get asked and accused of things :/
 
I have Borderline & Depression.
Tried once to suicide, but failed (sometimes I regret that it failed, but oh well..)
I probably have the Depressions from my grandma, Borderline just came like that, yey!
However, I think if I wouldn't have my animals I wouldn't be here anymore.
They are the hold for me in life.. my boyfriend also of course, but he is having trouble
to support me sometimes, because I can get really deep and aggressive and I can understand
that it's not that easy to deal with sometimes.
Well, my life was great at one point - I had a small group of friends, my lovely animals,
just found the love of my life (which was living far away, but to that later), was getting
accepted to the school that I always wanted to be in to learn childcare.
The day I was visiting my boyfriend in France.. was probably the best 3 weeks of my life,
however the almost last day I get a SMS.. "Hey, I left your Dad. Don't ask, you won't see me anymore."
Haha, I love my Mom! Just leaving my Dad after 25 years of marriage for a Nazi that is calling
me a sl*t for having a french boyfriend. Well, when I came back my Dad was suicidal but he didn't
do it, luckily. It was so heartbreaking to see my Dad crying almost every day.
The worst part for me was, that my parents basically used me as a bridge of communication.
What I mean with this, my Mom still had most of her stuff in our home and she would need to come
to pick it up, but doesn't want to see my Dad, blablabla. Well, she didn't gave a single ***** about me,
but asked nonstop about my brother, who didn't wanted to talk to her anymore at this point.
It came to the point, that my nerves broke and luckily in this moment my Dad found a new woman,
that took really good care of him and he started to become way better. At this point I decided to move
one day after my 18th birthday to France. I lost all my friends during that time, because they were just
using my friendly being for random things and since I won't be there anymore I will be "useless" for them :)
I couldn't do my education anymore in the school, because my parents managed to break my nerves so hard,
that I could not handle any noise or stress anymore for a long time - I still can get really aggressive when I
hear a noise that is annoying me too hard. Went to the point that I started to hurt myself, but I'm not allowed
anymore or my boyfriend will get really, reaaally mad D;

Well, after all of that, I was just alone in France with my boyfriend and my at this time 3 guinea pigs.
***** wouldn't stop happening there, obviously.
First my still young guinea pig died for no reason, then month later my 6yo piggy dies also,
I get two new ones so that my other old one won't be alone.. one we had to give back because it
was really really sick and we coulnd't afford that anymore, like I could not see a sick animal anymore
or I would've broke down. Well.. the other young one was lying dead in the cage the next morning,
until today I don't know what happened.. welp, I got two other ones to still not keep the old one alone,
this ones are finally fine, but my 6 years old piggy, who was the best friend for me for literally 6 years
had to put to sleep only a short time after.. I still have to cry when I think about her..

So all of that has left a big scar on me, while I was already damaged from depression itself.
Nowadays I have 7 animals which are keeping me mostly alive and no friends, no more Mother contact,
my brother is an a**hole to me.. just my Dad is still there for me and his new wife..
Life's great :D

But yeah.. if I didn't had my animals, I would probably not be alive anymore
 
It's hard to believe so many of us on here suffer from a form of mental illness and I just wish there wasn't such a stigma attached to it.

I hate how in my job that deals with sickness benefits for people too ill to work that they all seem to think that depression is just feeling a bit down and all that anyone needs is 'a good shake' or 'a kick up the backside'.
Sometimes I feel like telling them that's it is a disabling illness but doubt they'd care or understand.

I really do feel sometimes like killing myself just to get out of this cold cruel world where nowadays people seem to only care about money and themselves.

Maybe if there isn't one already we could start a group on here for those with a mental illness where they can talk to those in a similar situation and maybe help each other out for example with suggestions on how to cope etc.
 
Arjh said:
It's hard to believe so many of us on here suffer from a form of mental illness and I just wish there wasn't such a stigma attached to it.

I hate how in my job that deals with sickness benefits for people too ill to work that they all seem to think that depression is just feeling a bit down and all that anyone needs is 'a good shake' or 'a kick up the backside'.
Sometimes I feel like telling them that's it is a disabling illness but doubt they'd care or understand.

I really do feel sometimes like killing myself just to get out of this cold cruel world where nowadays people seem to only care about money and themselves.

Maybe if there isn't one already we could start a group on here for those with a mental illness where they can talk to those in a similar situation and maybe help each other out for example with suggestions on how to cope etc.
Click to expand...

It does such that IRL there's no good support network :(
 
I deal with quite a few mental disorders. The most troublesome being my schizotypal (I never have any friends and I lack social skills; I also have severe social anxiety from fear of judgement); schizoaffective (bipolar II subtype); and, like you, my anxiety.
I had depression back when I was in fifth grade, and had it until I was around 16. It was enveloping me; it changed my perception on life. I have severe side effects even now. My vision of the world is perpetually distorted -- I see everyone and I hate their guts.
Not only that, but my mood swings are terribly damaging. I've self-harmed and attempted suicide countless times. I fell in love with a voice and I'm still trying to keep both the voices alive by making profiles for them on social medias and whatnot. I miss them tbh. They were my only friends in a time of despair and horror.
I've been on a **** ton of meds. Anti-psychotics, anti-anxieties, mood stabilisers and antidepressants.
I've also been hospitalised countless times for countless reasons (countless being a hyperbole). These include suicide attempts, psychosis, and depression/anxiety.
I tried to tell my father about them (I've talked to him once in maybe 4 years) and he just laughed. He said me being on anti-psychotics makes me sound psychopathic.
Apart from him, though, my childhood was good. I don't like to blame people, but objectively, he is the one who gave me the disorders. I'm sure he has schizophrenia and his abuse gave me anxiety and abandonment issues.
It sucks, but I can tell you that I know what you're going through.

YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

- - - Post Merge - - -

Zaari said:
I have Borderline & Depression.
Tried once to suicide, but failed (sometimes I regret that it failed, but oh well..)
I probably have the Depressions from my grandma, Borderline just came like that, yey!
However, I think if I wouldn't have my animals I wouldn't be here anymore.
They are the hold for me in life.. my boyfriend also of course, but he is having trouble
to support me sometimes, because I can get really deep and aggressive and I can understand
that it's not that easy to deal with sometimes.
Well, my life was great at one point - I had a small group of friends, my lovely animals,
just found the love of my life (which was living far away, but to that later), was getting
accepted to the school that I always wanted to be in to learn childcare.
The day I was visiting my boyfriend in France.. was probably the best 3 weeks of my life,
however the almost last day I get a SMS.. "Hey, I left your Dad. Don't ask, you won't see me anymore."
Haha, I love my Mom! Just leaving my Dad after 25 years of marriage for a Nazi that is calling
me a sl*t for having a french boyfriend. Well, when I came back my Dad was suicidal but he didn't
do it, luckily. It was so heartbreaking to see my Dad crying almost every day.
The worst part for me was, that my parents basically used me as a bridge of communication.
What I mean with this, my Mom still had most of her stuff in our home and she would need to come
to pick it up, but doesn't want to see my Dad, blablabla. Well, she didn't gave a single ***** about me,
but asked nonstop about my brother, who didn't wanted to talk to her anymore at this point.
It came to the point, that my nerves broke and luckily in this moment my Dad found a new woman,
that took really good care of him and he started to become way better. At this point I decided to move
one day after my 18th birthday to France. I lost all my friends during that time, because they were just
using my friendly being for random things and since I won't be there anymore I will be "useless" for them :)
I couldn't do my education anymore in the school, because my parents managed to break my nerves so hard,
that I could not handle any noise or stress anymore for a long time - I still can get really aggressive when I
hear a noise that is annoying me too hard. Went to the point that I started to hurt myself, but I'm not allowed
anymore or my boyfriend will get really, reaaally mad D;

Well, after all of that, I was just alone in France with my boyfriend and my at this time 3 guinea pigs.
***** wouldn't stop happening there, obviously.
First my still young guinea pig died for no reason, then month later my 6yo piggy dies also,
I get two new ones so that my other old one won't be alone.. one we had to give back because it
was really really sick and we coulnd't afford that anymore, like I could not see a sick animal anymore
or I would've broke down. Well.. the other young one was lying dead in the cage the next morning,
until today I don't know what happened.. welp, I got two other ones to still not keep the old one alone,
this ones are finally fine, but my 6 years old piggy, who was the best friend for me for literally 6 years
had to put to sleep only a short time after.. I still have to cry when I think about her..

So all of that has left a big scar on me, while I was already damaged from depression itself.
Nowadays I have 7 animals which are keeping me mostly alive and no friends, no more Mother contact,
my brother is an a**hole to me.. just my Dad is still there for me and his new wife..
Life's great :D

But yeah.. if I didn't had my animals, I would probably not be alive anymore
Click to expand...

Crap dude. I am so sorry. People suck, animals don't.
 
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