Life update, and advice on forgiveness?

So as some of you know, I've been having a pretty rough time these past few weeks. Things have improved though, so I'm ready to open up about it, and maybe even receive some advice from you guys!

There are 2 parts to my issue so I'll address the part that I don't need any advice for first. My mom was rushed to emergency two Sundays ago because she had a seizure. You might be thinking, oh, that's not the worst thing ever. But see, my mom has MS (multiple sclerosis) and she also had a stroke 10 years ago that left her speechless, paralysed on half her body, and unable to eat or drink or do anything on her own. This means she has a very compromised immune system and even just one seizure is very life threatening. She had to be put into a medical coma so they could observe her and figure out what was wrong. When it was time to wake her up, she didn't. She was in a coma for a while with breathing tubes in her throat, and my family had to decide whether or not we wanted her to be resuscitated in case of heart failure, etc. We also started planning for burial/cremation arrangements, etc, which was very difficult for me to talk about and just overall painful to deal with. Anyway, that was the main thing that was getting me down. My mom is now awake though, and almost back to normal. She's still in the hospital for observation but at least she's in a more stable condition.

Now the next thing is what I need advice on, and that's whether or not to forgive my sister. Now on the Sunday that my mom was rushed to the ER, I was in the waiting room with my sister, dad, and boyfriend. Somehow, the conversation went to Breath of the Wild. My sister was mentioning some light spoilers and I told her to please not talk about it. She kept talking about it even though I said multiple times that I don't want to hear anything about the game since I haven't played it yet. Again and again she insisted to tell me about these things so I just covered my ears. Now some background info, my sister and I have a pretty rocky relationship because of something that happened before. I won't go into details, but she sometimes insults me, or does things to bug me on purpose, or is just rude to me. I put up with it all the time without standing up for myself because she is incredibly sensitive and I don't wanna hurt her. Anyway, this time, I was already really irritated because she wouldn't stop, but I didn't want to yell at her or get mad so I just covered my ears while she was trying to tell my bf about the game (he also did not want spoilers, btw). Then this made my sister very angry. Apparently I was disrespecting her, and when I would try to talk to her she would cover her ears and yell LALALALALALA then say "Oh so you don't like when I do that to you?" I was shocked because she was turning such a small thing into a big deal, and while my mom was in the ER too. I asked her, "Seriously, are you mad at me because I don't want to hear your spoilers?" Then she put her face over mine and started yelling at me, and her spit just flew into my face. It wasn't intentional, but it was a lot of spit and it was very disrespectful of her to just tower over me to yell an inch at my face in front of everyone. I almost hit her, but I stopped myself to wipe off the spit from my face (three big globs of spit). She got mad and stood up over me, and slapped me in the face. So I punched her. She opened her water bottle and poured it over my head and bag. And she kept trying to hit me so my bf actually had to protect me from her. She was trying to rip my hair off and I was trying to hit her so she would get off me. I then sat down and she came at me to hit me more so I kicked her away. She grabbed my phone and smashed it on the ground. Then the security came and told us we had to leave. My sister told her I hit her first and she's sorry and I'm the one who started everything, etc. I started crying because all I did was try to defend myself from her abuse and here she was trying to turn everyone against me. Now some of you might know I have social anxiety and this was just my worst nightmare come to life. Everyone was staring and I just started crying because my dad also told me to stop fighting with my sister. My sister yelled at me to stop trying to cause a scene, and I had to leave because I was hysterical and having a panic attack and crying like an idiot. Anyway, it's been really hard because I have to see my sister every day when we visit our mom, and we don't talk. Being in the same room is very awkward too, and now when her kids visit, we can't approach them anymore (and we really are close to her kids).

So the thing I need advice with is this: My sister apologized through text for her behaviour. However, she hasn't said anything to my face. She also said that she has been super stressed and that's why she did that, but I don't think that's an excuse to be abusive. Sure, maybe say something mean, but to straight up attack me? So should I accept her texted apology? Or should I completely cut her off from my life? This would also mean never seeing her kids.. You should also know that that wasn't the first time that my sister has hit me in public. She also insults me, and has done very horrible things that I won't mention. Over all, she's a pretty toxic person, but I have always been very protective and careful around her, and I never cut her off before because I love her kids so much and can't stand not being able to see them. I'm the only one who tries to raise her confidence too, even when she tries to tear me down. So what would you do in this scenario? Please let me know because I'm so stressed over this. My nature is very forgiving, but that always leaves me open to be taken advantage of, which happens all the time within my family. Any advice would be appreciated!

Always forgive, period. Another thing you should've done is not punched her, any retaliation only escalates things.

The best thing for you to do would be to ignore her if she's antagonizing you (easier said then done ^-^ ). I'm not sure how to deal with spoilers though, you did the right thing covering your ears, but I wonder if you should've just left it at questioning why she said them.

I know it might sound like I'm telling you off but the best thing to do is be super peaceful and try to understand your sister, if that doesn't work be a brick wall and stand proud, take everything thrown at you and ignore it.

I'm kinda rambling on here and I'll probably edit this post or say an additional comment later when I'm not half asleep ^-^

Hellfish said:

Always forgive, period. Another thing you should've done is not punched her, any retaliation only escalates things.

The best thing for you to do would be to ignore her if she's antagonizing you (easier said then done ^-^ ). I'm not sure how to deal with spoilers though, you did the right thing covering your ears, but I wonder if you should've just left it at questioning why she said them.

I know it might sound like I'm telling you off but the best thing to do is be super peaceful and try to understand your sister, if that doesn't work be a brick wall and stand proud, take everything thrown at you and ignore it.

I'm kinda rambling on here and I'll probably edit this post or say an additional comment later when I'm not half asleep ^-^

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I have to disagree with you. I'm of the mindset that if someone is hitting you, you fight back. I have been abused my whole life and I do not want to be a punching bag. I covered my ears because I was taking it as lightheartedly as I could and trying to be jokey jokey, if that makes sense. I didn't think it was too much to request for her not to keep trying to spoil me, and I most definitely did not think that it would cause her to get that angry with me. She was already getting mad that I didn't want to listen to spoilers, and I'm sorry, but I didn't want to just sit there and let her ruin something that I'm incredibly excited for. I'm pretty sure I didn't escalate things, as I just retaliated to her abusive behaviour. I understand what you're saying but I don't agree with being "super peaceful" when someone is abusing you in public for a silly reason. :/

Wait until she apologizes to your face and not through a text. Apologizing through text for a fight that escalated into physical abuse is disrespectful (especially when she is your sister).

Mega_Cabbage said:

Wait until she apologizes to your face and not through a text. Apologizing through text for a fight that escalated into physical abuse is disrespectful (especially when she is your sister).

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This was exactly what I thought I should do. I agree. Only a coward apologizes through a text.

Two wrongs don't make a right. There's a difference between being a punching bag and not being as bad as your sister. What I'm saying is treat her as you would like to be treated, even if she's horrible (feel like I'm quoting the bible here...), this is my mentality. If someone chopped off my legs I would forgive them (Maybe not in the moment, but eventually).

Hellfish said:

Two wrongs don't make a right. There's a difference between being a punching bag and not being as bad as your sister. What I'm saying is treat her as you would like to be treated, even if she's horrible (feel like I'm quoting the bible here...), this is my mentality. If someone chopped off my legs I would forgive them (Maybe not in the moment, but eventually).

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Sure. And you might be the better person for it. But defending yourself is not the same as being as bad. If someone was about to chop your leg off, would you hit them to prevent them from doing it or would you just let them chop your legs off? Silly example, but I wasn't trying to sink to her level, I was trying to prevent myself from being hit even more. I don't believe I did anything wrong by doing that. But I can respect your opinion.

You leave, if you have the opportunity to. Walk away. You said you were in a waiting room when it happened. Get up and go outside.

Always forgive. Not for them, but for yourself.

Bowie said:

You leave, if you have the opportunity to. Walk away. You said you were in a waiting room when it happened. Get up and go outside.

Always forgive. Not for them, but for yourself.

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I agree on this. The legs thing was maybe a poor analogy, but I'm sure a slap isn't going to threaten your life, therefore you could forgive and/or ignore it.

Bowie said:

You leave, if you have the opportunity to. Walk away. You said you were in a waiting room when it happened. Get up and go outside.

Always forgive. Not for them, but for yourself.

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She was standing over me and I could not just leave as she was attacking me. I would have had to walk past her to leave and she was already at the point of grabbing my hair and stuff. Can't walk away from that. If you mean when she was talking about spoilers, I didn't think I needed to walk away as I did not know that it would become a violent situation. Like I said, we were just talking about BotW. Who would know someone would get violent just because you didn't wanna hear spoilers? If I would have known it would turn into that, I would have left, but I didn't know. :/ Also I am not the kind of person who can take a slap in the face and a water bottle being poured over my head and just walk away.. Maybe everyone is just much better at that stuff than I am lol..

- - - Post Merge - - -

Hellfish said:

I agree on this. The legs thing was maybe a poor analogy, but I'm sure a slap isn't going to threaten your life, therefore you could forgive and/or ignore it.

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True, but I'm not going to turn my back to someone who has become violent. I don't know how what I did was so wrong in your eyes, and you have a right to that opinion, but I honestly don't believe I did anything wrong by retaliating. If you were to go slap a person in the face, 90% of the time you are going to get hit back. So then is it your fault for hitting them first or their fault for sinking to your level/defending themself? Not everyone is going to be able to allow themselves to take a beating. If I hadn't hit my sister back she was going to keep hitting me while she was standing over me. How then, can I get out of that situation without hitting her back? Should I just have curled into a ball and waited for her to stop?

Arize said:

She was standing over me and I could not just leave as she was attacking me. I would have had to walk past her to leave and she was already at the point of grabbing my hair and stuff. Can't walk away from that. If you mean when she was talking about spoilers, I didn't think I needed to walk away as I did not know that it would become a violent situation. Like I said, we were just talking about BotW. Who would know someone would get violent just because you didn't wanna hear spoilers? If I would have known it would turn into that, I would have left, but I didn't know. :/ Also I am not the kind of person who can take a slap in the face and a water bottle being poured over my head and just walk away.. Maybe everyone is just much better at that stuff than I am lol..

- - - Post Merge - - -



True, but I'm not going to turn my back to someone who has become violent. I don't know how what I did was so wrong in your eyes, and you have a right to that opinion, but I honestly don't believe I did anything wrong by retaliating. If you were to go slap a person in the face, 90% of the time you are going to get hit back. So then is it your fault for hitting them first or their fault for sinking to your level/defending themself? Not everyone is going to be able to allow themselves to take a beating. If I hadn't hit my sister back she was going to keep hitting me while she was standing over me. How then, can I get out of that situation without hitting her back? Should I just have curled into a ball and waited for her to stop?

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I didn't realise it was that severe. If you feel that threatened you should seriously talk to some authority, this is sounding a whole lot worse then you initially wrote it.

I'm not sure if it's rude or not but how old are you and your sister? If your not young then I'd definitely talk to the police or something if your sister is prone to beating you D:

Edit: getting someone to prevent it is still correct and you should never need to fight back unless it's serious (in which case some authority should be consulted)

Hellfish said:

I didn't realise it was that severe. If you feel that threatened you should seriously talk to some authority, this is sounding a whole lot worse then you initially wrote it.

I'm not sure if it's rude or not but how old are you and your sister? If your not young then I'd definitely talk to the police or something if your sister is prone to beating you D:

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I am 26, my sister is 10 years older than me. This was the first time I ever defended myself against my sister. It was funny cuz 5 minutes before the fight she told me that because she is insecure, she likes to take it out on people. I told her I'm insecure too, but I usually take it out on myself. She said "I used to do that but it's too much trouble. I take it out on people and then I feel better." I asked her, even people who don't deserve it? And she said yes. Then she proceeds to demonstrate exactly what she means 5 minutes later by trying to attack me. Hehe :/ I am not going to get her in trouble with police or anything. The furthest I'll go is just cut her off from my life. She has done plenty of things I have forgiven, things she's never even apologized for, but this was the final straw. I never stand up for myself when it's against her, but that day I did. I don't regret it. But I wish it didn't come to that, especially with my mom's situation. I was abused as a child and never hit back until I was around 14. This is why I believe it is okay to hit back. I got tired of the abuse and just taking it over and over again. (Not from my sister those times)

You already stated that your sister already does and says unpleasant and nasty things to you; I think her feelings (or lack thereof) towards you were exacerbated by the stressful situation, causing her to lash out even more at you. My grandmother was in a situation like that as a child. Whenever her mother got stressed, she lashed out at my grandmother ("useless brat", "why can't you be perfect like your brother", "why can't you lose weight fatty(to an 8 year old kid who was very athletic)", etc. etc.) because my grandmother was an easy target.
Self-defense is an instinctual process. Towering over someone, yelling in their face, and slapping someone are all threatening behavior, especially from someone who has a history of treating you poorly and hitting you previously, so it's natural that you defended yourself. The fact that she then tried to turn things around on you makes me think that she sees you more as a convenient scapegoat/punching bag.
Forgiveness is something you'll have to decide on your own. When I was in elementary school, I was the kid everyone in my class picked on and bullied, because I thought forgiveness, taking the high road, and being the better person was the thing to do; not very useful when you're getting soccer balls kicked in your face, or getting half your hair chopped off by the kid sitting behind you. I have never forgiven them, nor any of the teachers who did nothing about it because they felt "if we didn't see it, then it didn't happen" and "kids will be kids", despite the bruises and asphalt scrapes and cuts I got from these kids.

I wasn't there, so I don't know whether you could or could not have gotten away from your sister and left. You weren't in the right, but neither were you in the wrong. What I personally think is that you can acknowledge her apology, but that's totally different from forgiving her. I personally would not, especially from someone who has hit you and verbally mistreated you on previous occasions. You have to think about the importance of protecting yourself from her, along with whether that is more or less important than seeing her kids. You say you try to raise her confidence when she's feeling down; why can't she do the same to you? If she respects you so little, and is such a toxic influence, then let her go, or at least cut down on your contact with her. You do not owe someone your love or time simply because you happen to be related.

OperaPhantom said:

You already stated that your sister already does and says unpleasant and nasty things to you; I think her feelings (or lack thereof) towards you were exacerbated by the stressful situation, causing her to lash out even more at you. My grandmother was in a situation like that as a child. Whenever her mother got stressed, she lashed out at my grandmother ("useless brat", "why can't you be perfect like your brother", "why can't you lose weight fatty(to an 8 year old kid who was very athletic)", etc. etc.) because my grandmother was an easy target.
Self-defense is an instinctual process. Towering over someone, yelling in their face, and slapping someone are all threatening behavior, especially from someone who has a history of treating you poorly and hitting you previously, so it's natural that you defended yourself. The fact that she then tried to turn things around on you makes me think that she sees you more as a convenient scapegoat/punching bag.
Forgiveness is something you'll have to decide on your own. When I was in elementary school, I was the kid everyone in my class picked on and bullied, because I thought forgiveness, taking the high road, and being the better person was the thing to do; not very useful when you're getting soccer balls kicked in your face, or getting half your hair chopped off by the kid sitting behind you. I have never forgiven them, nor any of the teachers who did nothing about it because they felt "if we didn't see it, then it didn't happen" and "kids will be kids", despite the bruises and asphalt scrapes and cuts I got from these kids.

I wasn't there, so I don't know whether you could or could not have gotten away from your sister and left. What I personally think is that you can acknowledge her apology, but that's totally different from forgiving her. I personally would not, especially from someone who has hit you and verbally mistreated you on previous occasions. You have to think about the importance of protecting yourself from her, along with whether that is more or less important than seeing her kids. You say you try to raise her confidence when she's feeling down; why can't she do the same to you? If she respects you so little, and is such a toxic influence, then let her go, or at least cut down on your contact with her. You do not owe someone your love or time simply because you happen to be related.

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Wow, I am so sorry you had to go through that Teachers are responsible for keeping school safe and they failed you. I don't blame you for not forgiving the bullies and those negligent teachers. It's really heartbreaking that bullying is allowed to happen in schools. Ugh I was bullied in school too, but not physically. So I hope you are okay now, because I know how that kind of treatment stays with someone

My sister does see me as an easy target. She also has bad feelings towards me for reasons I don't want to say just for her protection. That's why she's extra mean towards me, especially. It's something that's put a barrier between us, with her always trying to find ways to hurt me, and me always trying to find ways to raise her up. I love her and her kids, but it's hard to maintain a one sided relationship with someone who just wants to hurt you.

Arize said:

I am 26, my sister is 10 years older than me. This was the first time I ever defended myself against my sister. It was funny cuz 5 minutes before the fight she told me that because she is insecure, she likes to take it out on people. I told her I'm insecure too, but I usually take it out on myself. She said "I used to do that but it's too much trouble. I take it out on people and then I feel better." I asked her, even people who don't deserve it? And she said yes. Then she proceeds to demonstrate exactly what she means 5 minutes later by trying to attack me. Hehe :/ I am not going to get her in trouble with police or anything. The furthest I'll go is just cut her off from my life. She has done plenty of things I have forgiven, things she's never even apologized for, but this was the final straw. I never stand up for myself when it's against her, but that day I did. I don't regret it. But I wish it didn't come to that, especially with my mom's situation. I was abused as a child and never hit back until I was around 14. This is why I believe it is okay to hit back. I got tired of the abuse and just taking it over and over again. (Not from my sister those times)

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Naw you have a rough life. I wish the best for you and hope your sister doesn't harm you in the future D:

I have three younger sisters, the youngest of whom is 9.5 years younger than me. We had a volatile family situation that involved physical abuse amongst other things. My family throughout my childhood and into my twenties was unequivocally dysfunctional. Today, after a ****tonne of time and effort (with relevant counselling and support services), we are now reasonably functional. Certain topics of conversation are out of bounds as they remain too sensitive to discuss openly as a family (but do happen one-on-one or in small groups).

Whilst I have never had "anger issues", one of my sisters does. To this day she is working on herself to try and get her temper (which can be explosive though never physically towards anyone aside from family) under reliable control. She may never get there. She knows it, and we know it. As much as I love her and support her, I have learned - through bitter experience- that I cannot put *her* feelings and wishes above *mine*. This is of course true for any relationship. But it took me a lot longer to learn that lesson regarding my sisters than it did for any other relationship, partly due to my protective role growing up.

Back when she had no control of her temper whatsoever (as a teen), we mainly coped by learning to recognise the signs of an escalating situation and either defuse it or else escape, whichever seemed best at the time. This was not always successful. When I was in my teens I was knocked unconscious during an altercation involving control of the tv remote. I still have no memory of that event. These days, there's no real risk of my being hurt by her directly although I may get injured by something getting broken. I never stuck around when it looks like things might go that way though - it's too stressful for me to cope with past a certain point. She may offer a cutting comment or two as I leave, and depending on my mood I may offer her one in return. I try not to, though. Her issues are her issues and I don't need to behave badly just because she is.

In public, it is very very rarely ever an issue. I have absolutely no qualms about politely saying "goodbye" and walking away if things are getting too much for me. Not a lot bothers me but I don't cope well with abusive anger, and as an adult I no longer have to put up with that in any context. So I don't.

With that long and rambling context out of the way : you, from your description of events and history, are in a dysfunctional family. You and your sister have a dysfunctional relationship. You cannot fix this relationship by yourself, and you cannot fix your sister. Unless or until she chooses to "grow up" (as in, take emotional responsibility for herself and her actions), she will continue to behave like this. In my view the only ways to stop the abuse happening to you are a) cease contact, b) establish clear boundaries regarding how you will and will not be treated - and the consequences for if that is not respected (immediately leave the situation, at the minimum), or c) one or both of you move far enough away you effectively cease contact.

Dynamics like that, reactions like that, are so hard to change, both as the aggressor and the victim. Especially in relationships like this where both parties usually believe they are the victim and the other party the aggressor. The history of all those previous incidents and dramas can trigger responses that just wouldn't happen with a random person. It's the emotional baggage that fuels these situations. Without willingness on both/all sides to move beyond those toxic patterns, there's really very little you can do.

In your position, I (with my own perspective) would acknowledge the texted apology, and reply with one of my own for my own choices and actions during the incident. I would arrange to discuss our differences and issues in person/by phone/via email or other written form (whichever seemed best for both parties), and come prepared to state my case after apologising in person for my part in the incident (whether she reciprocates or not is irrelevant from my perspective since I cannot control her actions). Then, I'd take it from there.


To answer a question you asked about how you could get out of that situation without hitting her back, which I have personally done several times in public now (not from a sister lol) : protect yourself. Defend *only* as much as needed to to protect yourself. Retaliation is not defence, it is a reciprocal action. I have never in my adult life hit someone to try and get them to stop hurting me, and nothing short of a genuinely life-threatening attack could induce me to do so. I am not saying you were *wrong* in that situation, you did the best you could in those circumstances.

What you do now and in the future is up in the air still, but the past is the past. What happened cannot be changed. What matters is what you learn from it, and what you decide to do in the future.

Arize, I'm sorry that you have the sister that you do. I've never been in the situation because, thankfully, my sister and I had a heart-to-heart when she had started getting serious with her first boyfriend that really cleared the air between us. Previous to that conversation, she and I had a very rocky relationship in which she was usually the instigator (getting angry and breaking things for very little reason, stealing my things and attacking me when I tried to get them back, etc.)

However, I do think you should cut abusive people out of your life. It will be hard on your family to refuse to see them if your sister is present but I think for your safety and well being that would be the best choice. Your sister is 36 and I don't think a heart-to-heart will change her attitude toward you now. If anything it might resurface old grievances against you, whatever those may be (maybe she was jealous of the attention you had when you were born or something). If your parents continue to side with your sister, who is older than you and should be your mentor, not your abuser, you might want to have a talk to them about this dynamic. If they don't care it might be time to lessen your contact with them as well. That amount of contact should be what's right for you, not for your family.

I think you should forgive your sister in your heart, but not to her face until she apologizes to your face, and maybe not even then. Forgive her for yourself so the anger isn't weighing on you, but never forget the things she's done to you, and make decisions that are best for you.

To all these people saying not to fight back, either you don't get into physical scuffles, or you don't seem to realize that ignoring can just as easily escalate as doing a shove. Men have gotten physical and shoving me before when I've attempted to dissolve a situation and the moment they roughly put hands on me, I socked them. Calling the action of fighting back as some way making someone less of the better person is very rude and ignorant, not all conflict can be solved with some kumbaya when the other party is beyond reasoning.

Don't forgive your sister until she can have the guts to apologize to your face. Honestly, I wouldn't forgive her period. She has no respect for you and if it was now and again, I'd get it, but it seems extremely often and she is too damn old to treat people like that. I am a very aggressive, irritable person under heavy stress and even I would never excuse escalating a fight to physical, especially against my younger sister. Keep in mind I don't have social anxiety that bad as I used to, but I can't imagine how it would feel for that to happen not only in public, but with your sister lying and your dad taking her side. That's actually gross of both of them and my own father felt furious just listening to me explain the situation, because not only did you try your best to not upset her, but your father should KNOW how your sister is by now and she is *older* than you. I agree with Amanda and Soda that you should seriously have a sit down with your parents about why it is beyond inappropriate how your sister acts and that if they cannot realize how she is the abuser, not you, that they are actively enabling her.

Like I said, to me, she sounds like the kind of person I would not like in my life at all, family relations be damned, blood doesn't mean anything if decency cannot be respected. Do what you feel best but know you are never wrong for performing self-defense. Calmly call her out when she refuses your requests, such as not saying spoilers, and if she continues or becomes aggressive, then repeat that you have already asked her and that you will remove yourself from the area if that is too much of her. Regardless of what she or your family thinks, you are in the right in the eyes of the law and it's not healthy for you to be dragged down with her by her awful attitude.

amanda1983 said:

I have three younger sisters, the youngest of whom is 9.5 years younger than me. We had a volatile family situation that involved physical abuse amongst other things. My family throughout my childhood and into my twenties was unequivocally dysfunctional. Today, after a ****tonne of time and effort (with relevant counselling and support services), we are now reasonably functional. Certain topics of conversation are out of bounds as they remain too sensitive to discuss openly as a family (but do happen one-on-one or in small groups).

Whilst I have never had "anger issues", one of my sisters does. To this day she is working on herself to try and get her temper (which can be explosive though never physically towards anyone aside from family) under reliable control. She may never get there. She knows it, and we know it. As much as I love her and support her, I have learned - through bitter experience- that I cannot put *her* feelings and wishes above *mine*. This is of course true for any relationship. But it took me a lot longer to learn that lesson regarding my sisters than it did for any other relationship, partly due to my protective role growing up.

Back when she had no control of her temper whatsoever (as a teen), we mainly coped by learning to recognise the signs of an escalating situation and either defuse it or else escape, whichever seemed best at the time. This was not always successful. When I was in my teens I was knocked unconscious during an altercation involving control of the tv remote. I still have no memory of that event. These days, there's no real risk of my being hurt by her directly although I may get injured by something getting broken. I never stuck around when it looks like things might go that way though - it's too stressful for me to cope with past a certain point. She may offer a cutting comment or two as I leave, and depending on my mood I may offer her one in return. I try not to, though. Her issues are her issues and I don't need to behave badly just because she is.

In public, it is very very rarely ever an issue. I have absolutely no qualms about politely saying "goodbye" and walking away if things are getting too much for me. Not a lot bothers me but I don't cope well with abusive anger, and as an adult I no longer have to put up with that in any context. So I don't.

With that long and rambling context out of the way : you, from your description of events and history, are in a dysfunctional family. You and your sister have a dysfunctional relationship. You cannot fix this relationship by yourself, and you cannot fix your sister. Unless or until she chooses to "grow up" (as in, take emotional responsibility for herself and her actions), she will continue to behave like this. In my view the only ways to stop the abuse happening to you are a) cease contact, b) establish clear boundaries regarding how you will and will not be treated - and the consequences for if that is not respected (immediately leave the situation, at the minimum), or c) one or both of you move far enough away you effectively cease contact.

Dynamics like that, reactions like that, are so hard to change, both as the aggressor and the victim. Especially in relationships like this where both parties usually believe they are the victim and the other party the aggressor. The history of all those previous incidents and dramas can trigger responses that just wouldn't happen with a random person. It's the emotional baggage that fuels these situations. Without willingness on both/all sides to move beyond those toxic patterns, there's really very little you can do.

In your position, I (with my own perspective) would acknowledge the texted apology, and reply with one of my own for my own choices and actions during the incident. I would arrange to discuss our differences and issues in person/by phone/via email or other written form (whichever seemed best for both parties), and come prepared to state my case after apologising in person for my part in the incident (whether she reciprocates or not is irrelevant from my perspective since I cannot control her actions). Then, I'd take it from there.


To answer a question you asked about how you could get out of that situation without hitting her back, which I have personally done several times in public now (not from a sister lol) : protect yourself. Defend *only* as much as needed to to protect yourself. Retaliation is not defence, it is a reciprocal action. I have never in my adult life hit someone to try and get them to stop hurting me, and nothing short of a genuinely life-threatening attack could induce me to do so. I am not saying you were *wrong* in that situation, you did the best you could in those circumstances.

What you do now and in the future is up in the air still, but the past is the past. What happened cannot be changed. What matters is what you learn from it, and what you decide to do in the future.

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Self defense isn't only used in the face of imminent death. You can act in self defense against any form of violence. In this situation, I did retaliate, but because I wanted her to stop hitting me. If I didn't hit her, she would have ripped my hair off my scalp. I got her to let go. When she lunged for me while I was sitting, I kicked her so she couldn't get to me. Everything I did was to protect myself. Protecting yourself does not mean just covering yourself. It means do whatever it takes to stop the attacker from getting at you. I didn't beat her up. In fact she was even hitting my bf who had to hug me to protect me from her. I think everyone here and I will just have to respectfully agree to disagree on this subject. But thank you for your response.

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Dogemon said:

To all these people saying not to fight back, either you don't get into physical scuffles, or you don't seem to realize that ignoring can just as easily escalate as doing a shove. Men have gotten physical and shoving me before when I've attempted to dissolve a situation and the moment they roughly put hands on me, I socked them. Calling the action of fighting back as some way making someone less of the better person is very rude and ignorant, not all conflict can be solved with some kumbaya when the other party is beyond reasoning.

Don't forgive your sister until she can have the guts to apologize to your face. Honestly, I wouldn't forgive her period. She has no respect for you and if it was now and again, I'd get it, but it seems extremely often and she is too damn old to treat people like that. I am a very aggressive, irritable person under heavy stress and even I would never excuse escalating a fight to physical, especially against my younger sister. Keep in mind I don't have social anxiety that bad as I used to, but I can't imagine how it would feel for that to happen not only in public, but with your sister lying and your dad taking her side. That's actually gross of both of them and my own father felt furious just listening to me explain the situation, because not only did you try your best to not upset her, but your father should KNOW how your sister is by now and she is *older* than you. I agree with Amanda and Soda that you should seriously have a sit down with your parents about why it is beyond inappropriate how your sister acts and that if they cannot realize how she is the abuser, not you, that they are actively enabling her.

Like I said, to me, she sounds like the kind of person I would not like in my life at all, family relations be damned, blood doesn't mean anything if decency cannot be respected. Do what you feel best but know you are never wrong for performing self-defense. Calmly call her out when she refuses your requests, such as not saying spoilers, and if she continues or becomes aggressive, then repeat that you have already asked her and that you will remove yourself from the area if that is too much of her. Regardless of what she or your family thinks, you are in the right in the eyes of the law and it's not healthy for you to be dragged down with her by her awful attitude.

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Thank you! I was beginning to think I was crazy in thinking it was self defence :/ To be honest, no one in my family defends me because (and this has been told to me by my brother) I am the one who is always the bigger person and always forgives them, even without an apology. This means that I should always resume the role of doormat whenever one of them hurts me. When I want to stand up for myself and try to demand to be apologized to, I have to just let it go and forgive. They say, "you know they'll never change so you should just be the one to apologize and fix it." Because I'm the nice one. That's why this issue of forgiveness is something I need advice on :/ I have always forgiven, even things that normal people would consider unforgivable, because I believe in unconditional love. But when I'm the only one with these morals in the family, it gets hard because they take advantage. I know they will never change. So maybe I'm the one who needs to change, for my own sanity lol.

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Soda Fox said:

Arize, I'm sorry that you have the sister that you do. I've never been in the situation because, thankfully, my sister and I had a heart-to-heart when she had started getting serious with her first boyfriend that really cleared the air between us. Previous to that conversation, she and I had a very rocky relationship in which she was usually the instigator (getting angry and breaking things for very little reason, stealing my things and attacking me when I tried to get them back, etc.)

However, I do think you should cut abusive people out of your life. It will be hard on your family to refuse to see them if your sister is present but I think for your safety and well being that would be the best choice. Your sister is 36 and I don't think a heart-to-heart will change her attitude toward you now. If anything it might resurface old grievances against you, whatever those may be (maybe she was jealous of the attention you had when you were born or something). If your parents continue to side with your sister, who is older than you and should be your mentor, not your abuser, you might want to have a talk to them about this dynamic. If they don't care it might be time to lessen your contact with them as well. That amount of contact should be what's right for you, not for your family.

I think you should forgive your sister in your heart, but not to her face until she apologizes to your face, and maybe not even then. Forgive her for yourself so the anger isn't weighing on you, but never forget the things she's done to you, and make decisions that are best for you.

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Thank you so much I think that's what makes the most sense in terms of forgiveness in this situation. To be honest, my nature keeps urging me to forgive like I always do, but what will stop my sister from treating me this way if I just do that without her taking responsibility and apologizing face to face? I have forgiven her in my heart but it hurts me to always be the one just accepting this treatment without anyone in my family standing up for me. So yeah, I'll wait for her to actually do the right thing to my face.

Arize said:

Self defense isn't only used in the face of imminent death. You can act in self defense against any form of violence. In this situation, I did retaliate, but because I wanted her to stop hitting me. If I didn't hit her, she would have ripped my hair off my scalp. I got her to let go. When she lunged for me while I was sitting, I kicked her so she couldn't get to me. Everything I did was to protect myself. Protecting yourself does not mean just covering yourself. It means do whatever it takes to stop the attacker from getting at you. I didn't beat her up. In fact she was even hitting my bf who had to hug me to protect me from her. I think everyone here and I will just have to respectfully agree to disagree on this subject. But thank you for your response.

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Thank you! I was beginning to think I was crazy in thinking it was self defence :/ To be honest, no one in my family defends me because (and this has been told to me by my brother) I am the one who is always the bigger person and always forgives them, even without an apology. This means that I should always resume the role of doormat whenever one of them hurts me. When I want to stand up for myself and try to demand to be apologized to, I have to just let it go and forgive. They say, "you know they'll never change so you should just be the one to apologize and fix it." Because I'm the nice one. That's why this issue of forgiveness is something I need advice on :/ I have always forgiven, even things that normal people would consider unforgivable, because I believe in unconditional love. But when I'm the only one with these morals in the family, it gets hard because they take advantage. I know they will never change. So maybe I'm the one who needs to change, for my own sanity lol.

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Thank you so much I think that's what makes the most sense in terms of forgiveness in this situation. To be honest, my nature keeps urging me to forgive like I always do, but what will stop my sister from treating me this way if I just do that without her taking responsibility and apologizing face to face? I have forgiven her in my heart but it hurts me to always be the one just accepting this treatment without anyone in my family standing up for me. So yeah, I'll wait for her to actually do the right thing to my face.

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Ah I realise now that I left out a crucial part I meant to include in the 2nd last paragraph. I am sorry for implying that self defence should only ever be passive. I do not think that at all : *I* am only capable of responding with a completely defensive version of self defence. Due to medical circumstances, I am utterly unable to rely on my physical abilities in a physical confrontation. Whilst I am very strong and capable normally, especially for my size, my body cannot function properly under certain situations. So. Through long and bitter experience, I have developed a set of behaviours that either de-escalate the situation or secure rapid help from another party. In public, in practice, this means I always keep an eye on my surroundings and the people around me. At the first sign of any kind of trouble, I automatically adjust my position with that information in mind and I am thinking through my options (yell for help, call the police, throw my bag at them and run, etc). Given my limitations and how I respond in public, it would literally require a life-threatening situation for me to respond with any physical action because that is the response that is least likely to work out well for me.

In a situation of hair pulling (wtf is an adult thinking to do such a thing for ****s sake???) or other act that is difficult to block, I would be utterly dependent on the help of onlookers. That kind of pain would render me unable to hit back even if I thought that would help.

Again, I'm sorry I wasn't more clear about the difference between *my* personal experience and limitations, and how "self defence" can - and usually is - more than that.

I hope you can find a way to resolve this terrible situation so that you can move on.