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Thread: YouTube Block LGBT+ Content with New "Restricted Mode" Feature

  1. #1

    YouTube Block LGBT+ Content with New "Restricted Mode" Feature





    YouTube have unveiled a new "Restricted Mode" feature which intends to keep inappropriate content away from children and anyone who may be offended by it in general.

    Among the type of videos included in the filter are all of Lady Gaga's music videos, many of David Bowie's, Rihanna's, Beyoncé's, etc., and also many LGBT+ content creators. Pretty much any remotely "gay" thing you can imagine has been blocked under the new system.

    Obviously, the content is still accessible with the mode turned off, but people have been rightfully going crazy about it on social media. Thoughts? (I'm sure mine are pretty obvious.)

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Message: BRAD: Here's a question for you.
What do kids need more? A father or a dad?
What's the difference?
The way I see it, darn near
anyone can be a father...
(ROARING)
...but not everyone has the patience
or the devotion to be a dad.
As for me...
Anybody caught a Monarch yet?
...I've always wanted to be a dad.
Let me tell you, I love it!
Yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
And I love my Ford Flex.
It treats me to a smooth ride,
and you know what?
It didn't break the bank.
Room enough for the whole family.
Yes, I love being a dad.
And I love these two adorable
little rays of sunshine.
Hey, Dylan! Good morning.
Whatever.
BRAD: Okay. I'm not their real dad.
Good morning, Mr. Whitaker.
- I'm their stepdad.
- Good morning, Megan.
Can you please put this on the fridge?
Well, sure. Did you do
another drawing of our family?
- Uh-huh.
- Huh?
That's me and Dylan and Mommy.
So great.
And over here, far, far away,
is you.
Oh? And am I wearing a baseball cap?
That's the knife in your head
'cause I was killing you in the eye.
Oh, I see.
Well, I love how you drew my hair.
That's poop.
Well, it's well-drawn.
And I'm guessing it's dog poop?
That's homeless man poop.
Oh.
All right. (SIGHING)
BRAD: I actually can't
father my own children,
ever since I hit a little
snafu at a dental office.
(MUFFLED) I've got
a little bit of a gag reflex.
Uh, close your eyes, breathe through
your nose, you'll be fine.
Oh. Okay.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(MACHINE SQUEAKING)
(BEEPS)
Oh, you got a really weird tongue.
You need to floss better.
BRAD: Ever since then, my testicles have
been more decorative than anything else.
Hey!
And I thought I'd never have a family.
Until I met a stunning mom named Sara.
Would you look at her?
I am one lucky so-and-so.
I hit the jackpot.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry I'm taking so long.
I have to show that Sixty West
building to those new clients.
- I know.
- (GASPS)
- Oh, my God! The kids' lunches.
- Already packed. I wrote them
little inspirational notes
to start them on their day.
They've already eaten their breakfasts,
and you look perfect.
You are amazing.
Look at this, huh? Another family drawing.
Oh, no. I am so sorry.
No, I think you're misunderstanding.
This is the first drawing
where I'm not dead already.
Sure, I've got a knife in my eye
and some homeless man poop on my head,
(SIGHING)
but this is showing real progress.
I think she's starting to accept me.
You can find the good
in just about anything.
I love that about you. You know that?
Thanks.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello. I'm home.
Hey.
How was the, uh...
What's wrong?
He won't talk to me.
He said he only wants to talk to you.
You want to talk to me?
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
- You mean me and your mom?
- Mmm-mmm.
- Just me? By myself?
- Mmm-hmm.
Sure. I'm...
I'm totally free. Let's go to the den.
We'll sit there.
We'll sit.
We can do it sitting or standing?
Doesn't matter. We're just gonna do it.
We're not gonna overthink it.
Yeah. Great. Okay, good.
Just the men, yeah.
A little rap session. Great.
(WHISPERING) Oh, my God.
I just want you to know that
I'm just here to listen. All right?
No judgments, no lectures,
just a compassionate ear.
- Well, there are these kids at school...
- Mmm-hmm.
...and they're bigger than me,
because they're fourth graders.
- (SHUTTER CLICKING)
- And...
Oh, was that weird?
I'm sorry, I'm just...
It's a big moment for me,
and I'm just trying to capture it.
It just came off awkward.
So, go ahead, continue telling
your story. Fourth graders.
Anyway, there are
these fourth graders, and...
He actually confided in me.
I mean, it was that father-son feeling
I've been dying for,
and it was even better than
I thought it was gonna be.
(SIGHS) I mean, he really needed me. Me.
That is so great, honey.
He even said not to tell you.
So I'm actually totally betraying
his trust right now. (CHUCKLES)
What are we gonna do about
those little snot-nosed fourth graders?
Oh, I think it's going to be fine.
He's going to try to do some
trust falls on the playground.
Really? You think that's gonna work?
As long as they catch him. Yeah.
Hey, Brad.
Yeah?
If I ask you something,
you promise you won't cry again?
Of course, sweetie. What is it?
Well, at school,
they told us about this thing,
and it's called a Daddy-Daughter Dance.
(GASPING)
So, do you want to go with me?
(SOBBING)
You said you wouldn't cry, Brad.
I'm not. Megan, yes. A million times yes.
I thought big people
weren't supposed to cry.
I think it's sweet that he's
crying like a little *****.
(GASPS) Megan!
You are not supposed
to call people that word.
You know what? It takes a real
man to show his emotions.
(SOBBING LOUDLY)
All right, that's a bit much.
VIZZINI: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
FEZZIK: Anybody want a peanut?
(ALL LAUGHING)
BRAD: We were finally becoming a family.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- I'll get it!
After being pushed away
and treated like an outsider,
I was finally becoming
the dad that I always knew I could...
Daddy!
Hi! Where are you?
Where's Cameroon?
Is that gunfire? Cool!
MEGAN: Daddy, Daddy!
I want to talk to Daddy.
Hi, Daddy.
Good.
- So your ex is calling, huh?
- (SIGHS) Yeah.
What a treat for the kids.
It's been a long time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
We're watching a really funny
movie with Mommy and Brad.
Oh, Brad is Mommy's new husband.
Wait. He doesn't know about me?
Well, I haven't talked to him
in six months.
We've been married eight months.
Brad, Daddy wants to talk to you.
- No! No, no. Don't, don't...
- I'm just going to say hi.
You don't need to do that. Brad, don't.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you, sweetie.
Hello, Dusty?
Super to make your acquaintance.
In fact, I just wish
I could shake your hand
and offer to buy you a cold one.
- Tomorrow?
- What?
BOTH: Daddy's coming! Yay!
Oh, yeah, I guess I could pick you up.
- (WHISPERS) No.
- Hmm?
It's Whitaker.
W-H-I-T-A-K-E-R. (CHUCKLES)
No, I'm not comfortable giving you
my Social Security number over the phone.
Uh, okay, yeah, my credit score is 752.
I'm very proud of that. (CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry? What sort of fighting styles
am I proficient in?
I don't know if I've ever been
asked that before.
Hello, Dusty, hello, hello? Hmm...
I lost him.
What just happened?
Did you just invite him to come here?
Is he coming tomorrow?
Well, I didn't know
he'd accept my offer so soon.
I mean, he really jumped at it.
Remember when I said he was like Jesse
James and Mick Jagger had a baby?
Yeah, I just thought maybe
he was really skinny and
jittery, and had like a little bit
of a British accent, or something.
He's wild and he's crazy.
That's why I fell in love with him.
Then you end up with two kids.
And I'm stuck there holding the bag and
he's nowhere to be found.
It doesn't matter how much love or passion,
or you can't breathe without each other.
All of that stuff is stupid in comparison.
When you have kids,
you have responsibilities.
He doesn't understand that.
Honey, this is actually a good thing.
- (SIGHS)
- I'll welcome Dusty into our home,
and we'll establish some kind
but firm boundaries.
All right? It's what Step-By-Stepdad
calls "setting up a Loving Fence."
A Loving Fence?
Wow, that sounds really great, honey.
But your self-help books
have never met Dusty Mayron.
He sounds like a rascal, but I don't
think it's anything I can't handle.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
PANDA SINGER: Check. Check, check.
Chinese Checkers,
Czech, Czech Republic, pop,
sibilance, sibilance, pop,
one, two, six, seven,
check, check, check, check.
What do you got for me, Brad?
Oh, Mr. Holt, hello. Well, hopefully
the new voice of The Panda.
Oh, listen.
I gotta leave early today. I gotta go
pick up my wife's ex at the airport.
Jesus, kid, how'd you
draw that **** detail?
Brad, why do you want
this deadbeat in your home?
Well, it's not that I want him in my home,
it's just that the better
stepparenting books
say that the worst thing you can do
for the kids is to push out the biological.
You're in the danger zone here,
Brad, and let me tell you why.
Kids that grow up without their dads
always end up obsessing over them.
Most of the hook-ups
that I've had in my adult life
have been with women
that had daddy issues.
I don't know if this is
an appropriate story.
Look, my wife would kill me
if she knew I was telling you this.
Well, then you shouldn't tell me this.
When I met her in Denver...
You're going to tell
the story, aren't you?
...she was a topless maid.
- Ninety-nine bucks an hour.
- Mmm-hmm.
Never met her father.
But who did she meet? Me.
And who did treat her like ****? Me.
I eventually loved her,
but every time she got out of line,
I'd just pull the Humvee over
and ask her to get out politely.
And then I'd drive away.
Guess what?
She showed up at home every time.
This story has no relevance
to my situation.
Oh, it doesn't at all.
It's just a good story.
So, Pete, are we going
to hear this guy, or what?
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
I'm sorry.
Keep it up, Brad.
You and I will fight in the parking lot.
BRAD: So today is the day I'm finally
meeting the father of my children.
Am I nervous? You're darn right I am.
But who wouldn't be? (SIGHS DEEPLY)
And here's the thing.
I mean, Pepe, you know, kids...
...they see through things and,
at the end of the day,
they know who's been around...
Holy balls!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I hope that's not him.
(GULPING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
There is no doubt this man
is your better in every way.
Well, you're kind to say that. Thank you.
Yeah, I feel pretty good.
- Hey, you Dusty?
- Nope.
What?
Are you sure?
Are you Dusty... No, you're not Dusty.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(ON RADIO) You've got
Jason Sinclair on The Panda,
the station everybody
in the office can agree on.
What is this?
Now if you're up in Wolf Trap this weekend,
do yourself a favor and check out...
(DOOR OPENING)
Hey! Where have you been?
I called you like 100 times.
(SIGHS) I know, my phone died. Look...
This motorcycle, is this...
Yes. He's here.
- He's here?
- Yes.
What's he doing inside there?
He's giving the kids
all kinds of Starbursts.
Starbursts? God damn it!
Sorry. Sorry. (EXHALES)
I'm a hot habanero pepper right now.
I got a few bullet points I want to
bring up with our friend Dusty,
starting with airport etiquette,
courtesy and expectation.
MEGAN: Oh, good story, Daddy!
You like that story? It's all true. Hey!
Who wants some more Starbursts and
a couple of uncirculated silver dollars?
So you are Dusty.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I sure am. You must be
the new and improved husband.
Bring it in, big guns.
I already met you at the airport.
No, I don't recall that, friend.
Yeah, I walked right up to you
and asked if you were Dusty.
I'm pretty sure I'd remember
a heavy hitter like yourself.
(SCOFFS)
Well, must have been my mistake.
All right, that was me at the airport.
- Yeah, I know that.
- The truth is,
I saw you before you saw me,
and I'm thinking,
"This is the guy who's raising my kids?"
"And damn it if he doesn't
look like the real deal."
I mean, look at you.
You figured it out, didn't you?
You cracked the code.
(CHUCKLES) I don't know about that.
Don't play that humble game with me.
He is so humble. He's just too humble.
Honey, you got it goin' on.
Everybody says so.
Yeah, I got it goin' way on.
So you can understand
why I panicked at the airport.
- I froze, Brad. I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
Look, these are tricky waters to navigate.
They sure are, man. I mean,
that is insightful.
You know, I thought it was weird Sara
didn't tell me about you before.
I thought, what's she hiding?
And now I know.
A champion.
Hey, Brad! Did you see Dad's motorcycle?
Isn't it cool?
BRAD: It sure is.
What is that, an Indian?
Yep.
I believe they're manufactured
in Minneapolis.
I've never been, but that's the setting
for The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
And... What's the other... Rhoda.
Which I want to say was a spin-off.
Damn! You really know
your bikes, Brad. You ride?
Uh-huh. Yeah!
- Really?
- BRAD: Yeah.
I mean, not anymore. I did, you know,
back in college. I had a, um...
I had a Kawa-saki? Kawasaki Nine.
Yeah.
With the fenders and the...
The broil joint. So...
Well, you should get on her, man. Come on!
Take her out, see what she can do.
She's got a lot of power.
Oh, no, no, no.
Yeah, Brad! Brad... Please!
No. Hey, come on, kids. It's time for bed.
It's way past your bedtime.
Let's brush your teeth.
All right, come on, guys,
listen to your mom. Hey, look...
(STUTTERS) I don't want to overstep, but
it would mean the world to me
if I could tuck in our two little blessings.
Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course.
They're your kids. Tuck away.
Oh, thank you for that, Brad.
The King messed up. He messed up bad.
He thought he could just
ride off to slay dragons,
and his Queen would always be
waiting for him.
And then one day the King received word
that his dominion was being ruled over
by some curly-headed Step King
with good credit?
Oh, no!
Well, the King rode hard up on his lands,
and when he arrived,
he did gaze fondly upon the Queen,
remembering their good times together,
for he had known her in her prime,
when she was down for anything,
and I do mean anything.
Psst...
Sounds like your dad's spinning
quite a yarn. Mind if I listen in?
Oh, actually, it's getting late.
You two need to get some sack time.
BOTH: No, we want more story, please!
Hey, I'd love to be in here all night,
but let's be respectful of Brad's rules,
no matter how arbitrary they seem.
All right?
Good night, my little golden treasures.
Good night, my little magical cherubs.
- Here comes some butterfly kisses.
- (GIGGLING)
And some Eskimo kisses.
Good night, buddy.
Sleep tight. Sleep tight.
Hey, who wants good-night tickles?
- BOTH: Me!
- (DUSTY CHUCKLES)
Good night, my little breath of God.
Good night, my little Jesus teardrop.
I almost forgot, my famous
good-night back scratches.
- Oh, so relaxing, so relaxing.
- (SIGHING)
Good night, sweetie bear.
Hey, who wants twenty bucks?
- BOTH: I do! Me!
- Twenty dollars?
- What?
- Oh, yeah.
One for you, and one for you.
I don't know if that's appropriate.
Ah, don't worry about it.
BRAD: Okay. Good night.
So, uh, if you want to, why don't you
come by tomorrow after school?
Might be a good time to...
What about the cold one?
The cold one?
You promised me
a cold one and a handshake.
Cold one. One cold one, coming up.
Great. I'll grab my jacket,
we'll go outside.
Perfect. All right.
Hey! Psst...
What are you doing?
What are you guys buddies now?
No. I mean, I offered him a cold one.
I really should honor
the cold one promise.
(SIGHS) Fine. You give him a cold one,
and then you get rid of him, okay?
You put up your Loving Fence,
- remember?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Then you come to bed.
- Okay.
- Will do.
- Okay.
DUSTY: What you got going on over here?
Oh, uh, that's a treehouse. A little, uh,
bonding project for Dylan and I.
Yeah, we've been at it
for about two months.
DUSTY: It's looking good.
BRAD: Thank you.
So, Dusty, how long do you think
you're going to be in town for?
Well, Brad, the truth is,
I'm wheels-up a week from tomorrow.
Time to get out there and
kick some ass for America.
Oh, I see. So you're a soldier?
Nope.
Oh, so you're a, uh...
Yep.
Yep, what?
(CHUCKLES) You don't want to know
any more than that, Brad.
Okay.
Um, listen, Dusty, I think that we should
set up a visitation schedule.
Right? That way, you feel like
you have ample time with the children...
Why don't we cut the ****, Brad?
No, we don't have to cut the ****.
You want to know what I'm doing here,
why don't you quit looking at
whatever you wrote on your hand?
Be a man and ask me, Brad.
Okay. What are you doing here?
Now, we both know kids need
a single primary male role model.
Sara's made her choice.
I'm man enough to
let that role model be you.
I will vouch for you with my children.
I will give them my sacred
permission to trust you.
To love you and to
call you Dad.
You'd do that for me?
No.
But I will do it for them.
That is what you want, isn't it, Brad?
More than anything in the world.
He played you.
You just got so played out there.
I know it looks that way, 'cause
I promised I would ask him to leave,
and then I invited him to stay for a week,
but he didn't play me.
You know what he did? He cut the ****.
- Oh, he did?
- And I gotta say, it was refreshing.
I think more of us could stand
to just cut the ****, you know.
- Right.
- In one conversation,
he just blew by
eight chapters in my stepdad book.
I mean, this is gonna be so good
for me and the kids.
Oh, baby, you have no idea
who you're dancing with.
Dusty gets into your head,
- that's what he does.
- (WHIRRING)
(MUFFLED) He has a very impressive,
rugged bravado,
there's no question. But I gotta say,
I think in here, there's
a soft, soft creamy center.
You know? I think he feels a lot.
He just... He needs
someone with this, a big ear.
And I got them. Mmm.
Oh, good morning, Dusty.
- Hey.
- You're up and at 'em.
- (OVEN TIMER DINGS)
- Yeah, I got up early
- and did a quick 20.
- Really?
- Twenty minutes of what?
- Oh, twenty miles.
Did a little light sparring,
then I whipped up
a pan of piping-hot
cinnamon rolls for my family.
And I made one for you, too.
Wow. That's very impressive, thank you.
- DUSTY: Good morning, gang!
- Ooh, it smells yummy!
Our real dad's a super,
super-duper good cook!
- Mmm-hmm.
- Here you go, guys.
Yeah, it looks an awful lot like Cinnabon.
Well, thank you, Brad.
What a nice thing to say.
Mmm, it tastes exactly like Cinnabon!
In fact, same shape,
same swirl, same frosting.
Now you're starting to embarrass me,
but I do appreciate the compliment.
Good morning, Sar-bear!
- Morning.
- Hey, listen, guys,
Brad and I had a talk last night
about the importance of family.
And now that everyone's here,
I wanted to say a few words, okay?
I think that would be great.
Hey, kids, you know, families can be
ever-growing and changing things.
And sometimes someone new
knocks on the door of your heart
and you're not sure if you
have room in there for one more.
But there's someone here now
that I hope you guys can learn to love.
Okay?
(WHISTLING)
- Come here, boy!
- (GROWLING)
BOTH: A doggy! Yay!
You brought a dog home?
Yeah. Is that a problem?
I mean, you seemed
really into it while I was teeing it up.
No, I thought you were talking about me.
- Oh, but you're not a dog, Brad.
- No... (SCOFFS)
Look, last night, when we talked...
Oh, yeah. Well, listen,
that's got to happen organically.
Why can't it happen now?
It just can't.
You're dirty.
SARA: Dusty, how old is that thing?
I'd guess him to be around 15.
I mean, I found him this morning,
living in a storm drain.
I named him Tumor,
because of how much he grows on you.
BOTH: Mommy, can we keep Tumor, please?
Oh, I'm gonna leave this one up to Brad.
BOTH: Please, Brad! Please!
Why is he looking at me like that?
- (GROWLING)
- He's only looking at me.
Maybe we just get a puppy instead?
A puppy, Brad? What are they
going to learn from a puppy?
An old dog like Tumor here's
been out in the world, man. Living free.
Fighting for survival and seeing things
we can only dream of.
Just look at the wisdom
in those cloudy eyes.
Besides, you know what happens
to old dogs at shelters.
He's gonna have to walk the green mile
as soon as he gets there.
No, Brad, no! Don't kill our dog!
I hate you!
Okay. Okay. Fine.
He can live out his few
remaining weeks with us.
Yay! Thanks, Brad.
I don't hate you anymore.
He's going potty!
SARA: Oh, my God.
We'll clean it up. We don't mind.
Look at that.
The dog's already
teaching them responsibility.
Hey, guys, when you got to
pick up the potty, use gloves.
- He's definitely got worms in his poo.
- (BOTH GROANING IN DISGUST)
(SIGHS)
SARA: Dusty!
Can you please move this thing?
I can't get my car out of the garage.
Hey, Brad, do you mind?
I want to grab a quick shower.
Yeah, sure, no problem.
- Hey, honey.
- Hi, sweetie.
It's blocking everything.
No, I know. I know, don't worry.
We're on top of it.
What are you doing? Brad, I don't...
Hey! Stay away from that, please.
(GRUNTS)
Honey, what are you doing?
- (ENGINE REVVING)
- (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
I don't know if that's a good idea, Brad.
Dusty!
It's vibrating up into my shoulders.
Hey, it's okay, Brad.
Look, she's a lot of bike, man.
No, I'm good. Why don't you go
back in and take that shower,
so you can get a shirt on?
Oh, you got it.
Hey, you look good on that, man.
Remember, one down, four up.
Dusty, everyone knows it's one down...
- (SCREAMING)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(CRASHING)
Did Brad just die?
I think we all need to prepare ourselves
for that possibility, pumpkin. Okay?
Brad!
Brad!
- (BRAD GROANING)
- (GASPING)
Oh, my God.
- (COUGHING)
- Brad, are you all right?
No, I'm not all right.
I'm in the wall. I'm scared.
Oh, honey.
Jeez, Brad, I thought you said
you could ride.
I can ride, okay.
Would you get a shirt on?
I think if you could ride, you wouldn't
be stuck in a wall right now, Brad.
SARA:
Yeah. I'm sorry to say it, but he's right.
You almost killed the kids!
DUSTY: Let's not beat up
on Brad here. Okay?
He was showboating for the kids
a little bit, and things got out of hand.
Let's all just be grateful
nobody got hurt. Okay?
I got hurt!
Okay, kids, listen up.
This is a good lesson
on why you never wanna lie
about your ability to do things
you clearly can't do, okay, huh?
I think my arm is stuck in the wall.
DUSTY: Brad, just stay still.
I'll get you out.
No, no, no, no, no. No, don't do anything.
And would you please
just go and get a shirt on?
Just calm down, all right?
- (SARA SCREAMING)
- (GROANING)
Hey, I'm really sorry about
what happened to your car.
Yeah, and I'm sorry about
what happened to your bike.
Oh, no damage. Not a scratch.
- Oh, not even one scratch?
- Unbelievable.
(LAUGHS) That's so good.
(ROOF THUDS)
Let's keep it going! Inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Morning, Jerry.
Got to keep it inside the cones!
No, Daddy! You're supposed
to stay in the cones!
Whoa, whoa! Inside the cones!
- Inside. Bring her in. That's better.
- (SIGHS)
Let's keep those kids safe today, okay?
Thank you, Brad.
Sorry, Doris.
It's okay. This whole drop-off line thing
can be a bit overwhelming
if you're not used to it.
Yeah, well, I've landed a chopper
in the middle of a Cuban prison riot,
Brad, I think I'm good.
(BEEPING)
Bye, guys! I love you guys so much.
Have a great day, okay?
- Bye, Daddy!
- Make sure you do all your work.
Bye, guys. Have the best day.
I love you so...
BRAD: Here's the exciting thing.
We just opened up in our 68th market,
making The Panda America's
number three smooth jazz station.
Wow.
And here it is. My, uh... My little nook.
Wow. Oh, man, I gotta admit,
this is more than I expected.
Wow.
I kind of envy you, Brad.
Oh, stop it.
Ah, it's true. I mean, you're a nice guy,
making a comfortable living,
and the most fantastic woman
in the world loves you dearly.
Really? Thanks for saying that.
I mean it. And that sacrifice
she's making for you... That's true love.
Sacrifice?
Well, sure, Brad.
You know how bad
that girl wants another baby.
She wants another baby?
For her to let that slip away
and marry a man she knew to be barren,
that's true love.
How do you know that I can't...
- Bradley.
- Yes.
Caroline says we're gonna hear some
new voice talent this a.m.?
Yes, sir, in about 15 minutes.
Okay. How'd it go
- with the ****bag ex-husband?
- Uh-uh.
You whip his ass with
that Loving Fence of yours?
(LAUGHS)
Well, actually it's interesting, Mr. Holt,
because I want you to meet Dusty Mayron.
Jesus in the morning.
She was married to him first?
Okay. Let's establish some
ground rules, pretty boy.
- Airborne?
- Huh?
Well, your lapel pin.
101st, that's one hell of a division, sir.
Oh, well, thank you, Dusty.
Are you Airborne?
Oh, no, sir, I'm afraid
I don't share that honor,
but I'm humbled to be in the
presence of anyone who does.
Airborne Division? Those guys love to fly.
Very nice to meet you, sir.
Thank you, thank you.
It's good to meet you.
My pleasure. It's an honor.
Fast friends over there. (CHUCKLES)
That's wonderful.
Come on! No way!
The whole time you're running guns
for the freedom fighters
right under the cartel's noses,
and they never suspected it was you once?
Well, I'm sure they started to suspect
once they were in a ball of fire
the size of four city blocks.
(LAUGHING)
That's great. I love that!
Holy buckets, Brad!
If this guy was my wife's ex,
I'd put a bullet in my skull.
(BOTH LAUGH)
DUSTY: Come on, Leo, cut it out.
Oh, uh... Sir, I think Barry's ready.
You're really going to like this guy.
Okay. Ready to listen.
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
All right. Mmm-hmm.
- You like him, Brad?
- I do.
I do. I mean, I think his voice
has a warm dependability
that all Panda listeners could trust.
What do you think, Duster?
(BRAD LAUGHS)
Does Dusty now work for The Panda?
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm not really into smooth jazz.
I shouldn't comment.
(SCOFFS) Nobody's into smooth jazz.
I'm into smooth jazz.
Of course you are, Brad.
So what do you think, Dusty?
I mean, it just seems a little flaccid.
I think you need a voice with some
virility and hope, that tells listeners,
"Hey! Maybe the next song
won't suck as bad as the last one."
Also, I think a strong ability
to be something like...
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
What...
What just happened?
He sang the tagline.
- Good boy, Tumor!
- (CAR HONKING)
BOTH: Daddy!
DUSTY: Hey!
Oh, perfect timing. Listen to this.
DUSTY ON RADIO: One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
- Is that you?
- Yeah!
SARA: That's you?
Why is that him?
I took him to work, and 15 minutes later
he's the new voice of The Panda.
Hey, you believe that? I record
one take at 9:30 this morning,
it's already run 11 times.
Do I really get 182 bucks
every time they play that?
Yes. Every time, yes.
Ooh! Money.
You see why I love America
even more than most people do?
Hey. What's this?
Just the handyman
I hired off Angie's List.
He's upstairs fixing the damage.
Your wife had to hire a man? For what?
Some framing, a little sheetrock repair,
some masonry and basic window glazing?
Come on, Brad.
We can bang that out tonight.
Yeah.
It's just basic sheetrock glazing
and, you know, little whatamajigs.
Get up there and
get in there and crank it out.
Dusty is pretty good with his hands.
Pretty good with my hands,
Brad, she knows.
Okay. Yeah, I'll just go
up there and I'll...
- Want me to do it? I'll tell him to screw.
- No, no, no, no.
No, no, no. That's okay.
I'll tell him,
- "Guess what, bub?"
- Tell him the men are here.
I'll say that.
I'll say, "The men are here."
- Let's do it.
- I don't want to imply to him
that he's not a man. But I'll just say,
"Hey, the boys are back in town." Right?
(HAMMERING)
Oh, hi.
I'm Brad. Uh... My wife hired you.
Nice to meet you, Brad.
I just came up here to say that you...
That, um, you should have good luck.
Thank you for your wishes of luck.
I'll be downstairs.
Well? What happened?
Oh, you know, I think it's...
He already started,
and I just think it feels wrong.
Why? Because he's black?
No. No, no.
Megan! Dylan!
- What are you doing? Huh?
- Teaching moment.
Guys, what would we call Brad
if he treated someone differently
just because of the color of their skin?
- (BOTH GASP)
- Brad's being racism?
Racist, honey. Brad is a racist.
- Honey.
- No, I mean... But not on purpose.
Is Brad a Klan person?
No. (LAUGHS)
So I'm a racist if I don't fire someone?
Well, yeah, you are.
Yeah, you are.
Sir, you're taking this all wrong.
Right. So you get one look
at the color of my skin,
and all of a sudden you're
Mr. Do It Yourself, huh?
No, not at all. Please, allow me
to pay you for your time and travel.
Don't do me any favors, Paula Deen.
(SIGHS)
I'm not a woman.
You did the right thing.
Boy, it doesn't feel that way.
Let's get cracking.
Where do you keep your tools?
I know where Brad keeps his tools.
In the credenza.
- Yeah.
- You keep your tools
- in the credenza, Brad?
- In the credenza. Mmm-hmm.
Just easier to get to.
- It's convenient.
- Yeah.
(CLATTERING)
This is a tackle box, Brad.
Are we going fishing?
No. Unless you want to go fishing.
What have you got in here?
A hammer, masking tape,
three C batteries and a tampon.
Yeah, well, a tampon's handy for...
Yeah, I know what they're handy for.
So are we not going to fix it?
Well, what do you want from me, Brad?
To buy all the gear we need
would cost more
than just hiring someone
off of Angie's List.
- (GROWLING)
- (GASPS)
And the King, he thought the Step King
seemed okay at first, a little soft, maybe,
but, heck, the Queen needed a meal ticket.
But the more the King learned about him,
the more he doubted the
Step King's ability to lead.
So the King decided
there was only one way to...
Psst... Hey. Good story?
Yeah. The King finally
came back to his castle.
But the evil Step King
wouldn't give him his crown back.
Oh, okay, yeah.
I think I've heard this story before.
Ah, it's a story as old as time, Brad.
Well, you know what? It turns out
the Step King wasn't evil at all.
He was a really good guy.
Fun at parties, great conversationalist,
affable. And he saw
that the beautiful Queen
and perfect Prince and Princess
were all alone, and he came
valiantly to their rescue.
Yeah, but wasn't the Queen sad because
the Step King couldn't give
her an heir to the throne?
Okay, you know what?
Now this is getting personal.
Hey, Brad, come on.
We're just doing fairy tales here.
All right. Well, the Queen wasn't sad,
just for the record. (STUTTERING)
The Step King was pretty sure
she was totally cool with it.
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm sure the Queen was thrilled. Right?
Right?
Yeah.
Honey,
what's the matter?
Are you still sad about
Dusty finding your tampon?
No. No, I mean,
this is a little embarrassing,
but it's just, I was...
Is there any chance
you still want another baby?
Oh, my God. What, did Dusty say something?
He's just trying to get in your head.
So it's not true then?
Okay. Maybe I did want another baby.
But it's not possible,
given what happened to your...
And I'm not blaming them. I love them.
They are my fuzzy little pals.
You don't have to say that.
They are.
I am 100% happy
with the family that I have.
The only reason I'm putting up with him is
because my kids are so happy to see him.
And I want them to have
a relationship with their father.
You know what?
I can't wait to see his face
when he figures out
how much you really do for his kids.
Yeah. I mean, I'm
involved. I'm emotionally available.
Yeah, you are.
You are darn right.
It's high time Dusty sees
how a real dad does it.
I am fired up!
(SIGHS)
Let's get some shut-eye.
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Hallelujah!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, dudes! Hey, T.J.!
Brad! Look what Dad did!
He finished the treehouse for you!
Hey, hey! B-man!
No, watch out, B!
(BRAD GROANING)
Hey, Brad. Sorry about that.
- You all right?
- (CONTINUES GROANING)
Brad, what do you think, man?
Wow. Pretty cool zipline.
You like that, huh? It's military grade.
You built all this today? With my tools?
Oh, no, you can't build a treehouse
with a tampon, Brad.
No, I had a little bit of help.
Yo, Dylan, PS4 is all hooked up.
- Thanks, Uncle Griff.
- No problem, buddy.
Uncle Griff?
Dude, I went out for a beer last night,
and who's tending bar but our man Griffy?
We get to talking and we just click.
You know what I mean?
He's a great dude, man. He really is.
I know how you feel about him,
but just give him a chance.
All right? He's having
a tough time at home,
and your firing him sure didn't help.
Well, I fired him because you made me!
- I made you?
- Yeah.
Am I in charge around here now?
Is my name on the mortgage?
Last time I checked,
you were the man of the house,
and me and Griffy were just staying here.
- He's not staying here.
- Because he's black?
No, not because of that.
Look, Griffy helped me
knock this out, all right?
So despite any prejudices
that you may or may not have...
I don't have any prejudices.
I said "may or may not."
- Well, it's may not.
- Well, that's good.
Because that's one of the ones I said.
Hey, kids, come on.
Helmets on the half-pipe.
We got to be safe around here.
Wait, half-pipe?
Look, I know it's taking up
a lot of the yard, but it's gonna make
your house the coolest place
in the neighborhood.
I got a sound system, we got
a couple Go-Pros. That's Corey
from Red Bull over there.
Hey, Corey!
You got a sponsor for my backyard?
Hey, Mr. Mayron! You want next?
Nicholas, please, it's Dusty!
And, yes, I do. Brad, watch this run.
I'm gonna dedicate this run
to my future X-Games champs,
Dylan and Megan. This is for you!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(BLOWS)
Looks like you picked
the wrong leisure activity, buddy.
(ALL CHEERING)
Thank you.
- Oh, hey, Sara.
- Hi.
Okay. Who's got next?
BRAD: I do!
Look!
(ALL GASPING)
Some cute little tricks there, Dusty.
(LAUGHS)
Really adorable.
Brad?
Hey, who'd like to see
how we used to do it
back in the empty pools of Encino,
Castaic, Irvine, Long Beach?
Santa Clarita?
Santa Cruz?
Fremont?
Honey, no, please come down.
Oh, I intend to, sister.
Come on, Brad, it hasn't been that long.
Godspeed.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (GRUNTS)
- ALL: Whoa!
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! Brad!
Oh, no, it's best not to touch him.
Wait a second.
What do you mean, don't touch him?
He's in trouble.
Look, I know he's in trouble, okay?
But if there's a problem, who
do you want to be in charge?
You?
Okay. All right, guys,
we have an emergency situation.
And what's the first thing we do? Anybody?
- You! Redhead.
- Call 911.
Close. But wrong.
First thing we do is remain calm.
Yeah, that's good advice.
The 911 operator can't understand you
if you're hysterical, okay?
So let's all take a deep breath.
In for ten...
Are you kidding me right now? Help him!
Hey, that doesn't sound calm, Sara.
Now, please, call 911
and relate to the dispatcher
- what happened calmly, okay?
- Okay, yes.
Anybody know what we do next?
Check for pulse!
Nice! My star pupil! Come on up here.
All right! Okay, two fingers on the neck,
right below the ear.
- Good. You feel a heartbeat?
- Uh-uh.
Okay, now that means that
Brad here is now clinically... Anybody?
- You, Jean Jacket!
- Dead?
Attaboy, Jean Jacket. You're a smart kid.
He is dead.
All right, so what do we do?
Come on, we're losing him here.
Give him C.P.R.?
Yes! That's my girl.
Come on up here, sweetie.
All right! All right, lock your fingers like
this and press down hard right here.
- (GRUNTING)
- Oh, great job, sweetheart.
Dusty, hurry!
Okay, I'm going to go ahead
and take this one.
Okay? Watch closely now.
If you do your
chest compressions properly,
it shouldn't take long. Clear out, guys.
(WHIRRING)
(GASPING)
- I got him! I got him!
- (COUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING)
My dad can bring people
back from the dead!
(GROANING)
Mr. Whitaker's a zombie!
(MUTTERING)
Look, I'm okay, really.
I just got a little jolt.
You got a little killed
is what you got, Brad.
We thought we lost you.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I just got tired of being
the lame stepdad.
All the kids think he's Superman.
Well, now you know how I felt.
I always had to be the bad guy mom,
giving out the carrots
and the punishments,
and he would breeze in
from God only knows where
and get to be the cool, fun dad.
Honey. Look. (SIGHS)
I'll talk to him, okay?
I'll tell him to get his stuff
and get over to the Red Roof Inn. Pronto.
Great.
(TV PLAYING)
Wait. Prince Hans is actually the bad guy?
Man, I didn't see that coming at all.
He seemed like he really loved Anna.
MEGAN: I hate Prince Hans.
Dusty.
- Hey, how you feeling, Sparky?
- (CHUCKLES)
Sparky. That's hilarious.
DUSTY: Brad, have you seen this movie?
It's unbelievable, man.
There's these two sisters,
one of them has ice powers.
Yeah, I'm familiar with Frozen.
Listen, Dusty, I need to talk to you now.
I can't talk now, Brad.
Just pause the movie!
Can you guys talk out there, please?
Griff, man. You gotta pause it, man.
No! I don't want to ruin the momentum.
He won't... Dude, if another song
comes on, you got to pause it. Okay?
Am I supposed to pause my emotions?
Just pause the song, man.
What's up? What's up?
What's going on, Brad?
- This shouldn't take long.
- Okay, good.
Listen, um, I just think
that you're being here...
Yeah. No problem.
...and now there's Griff here,
it's presenting some obstacles...
(SOBBING)
Stupid helmet!
Honey, what happened?
They pushed me off my bike again!
- I'm so sick of it!
- (CLATTERING)
I want them dead, Brad. All right?
I want their parents dead.
And if they don't have parents, I want
their primary caregivers dead.
Do you understand me?
- Okay, okay.
- He's okay.
Megan's upstairs playing with him.
I am so pissed about this.
Was it the fourth graders again?
Fourth graders?
What, you knew about this, Brad?
Yeah. Dylan asked to speak
specifically to me about it.
- Really?
- So, we role-played
some conflict resolution dialogue.
Are you being serious right now, Brad?
What you need to be teaching him
is some ass-beating resolution.
Damn straight. You got to
make a statement. Set a tone.
It's kind of a family matter over here.
No, Dusty and Griff are right.
Those little punks need
their butts whooped.
Hey, you got any Miracle Whip?
Yeah, it's behind the... (SIGHS)
Here. Hold on. Let me just get it for you.
Guys, I know we're upset right now,
but here's the thing.
Violence never solved anything.
Hey, check your history books, buddy.
Almost everything is solved by violence.
There are better ways.
Okay. Name one. Besides dialoguing.
- Name one?
- Name one!
- What do you mean, name one?
- You said you could
solve problems with
things other than fighting.
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
Well, you said you knew!
You act like you knew!
- Fine, yes!
- What?
Dancing! Dancing.
Did you... Did you just say dancing, Brad?
It's very popular in youth culture
to resolve conflict through dancing.
They step up to each other and get served
by crunking, or popping and locking.
They call each other out, they take turns,
and it is no less intense
than a classic street brawl.
But, at the end of the day, no one's hurt.
And it's a great aerobic workout.
He's flailing a bit,
but he has a good point.
There's a rich history
of dance battles in film.
- You got Breakin' 1...
- I didn't even think of this.
...Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.
One of the rare cases
where the sequel was better
- than the original.
- Much better.
You got Step Up, Stomp the Yard.
He makes a solid point.
Honey, are you telling us that we
should teach Dylan to dance?
(SIGHS) No, I'm just saying that
teaching him to fight isn't the answer.
Okay, but maybe teaching him
to fight back isn't so bad?
BRAD: Okay.
There we go. Perfect.
That's good, right there.
Yeah. A lot of protection.
All right, Dylan. You ready, buddy?
- I guess.
- Oh, you're ready.
Brad, Griff. You guys be
the fourth graders.
- I'll be Dylan.
- Okay.
All right. Hey, buddy, the first thing you
want to do is call out the biggest one.
Hey! What's the matter?
You too much of a pussy to take me on
without your little *****es to back you up?
Wow. Okay, yes.
That cut right through me, there.
I'm filled with inner shame right now.
Saying to myself,
"Gosh, maybe I'm not behaving
"100% the way I want to."
Right? Is that same page?
No. What the kid's gonna think
is, "Now I can beat your ass
"all on my own." But now
you only got one bully to contend with.
Now bullies always open up
with some shoving first.
- Watch. Brad, give me a little shove.
- All right.
(YELPS)
Whoa, I didn't connect there, did I?
No. It was really close, though.
See what I did, buddy?
I turned my body just enough
to let his weight bring him in,
then I came right down Broadway.
- I'm not gonna hit you.
- Oh.
- Okay, relax. Okay?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Bam!
- (ALL GASP)
It's called the element of surprise.
Then you start punking his ass!
You want some more of that, *****, huh?
You like that, *****?
All right. Do we really
need to use that word?
- No.
- Honey, yes.
Unfortunately, we do. I'm sorry.
You have to make him a *****.
It's a fundamental step in
destroying a bully's psyche.
Now stay down, *****!
Then you kick that kid right in the nuts!
Kick him in the nuts, Dylan!
Wait! I thought you were in my gang.
Yeah, but once Dylan tuned you up,
I switched sides.
What do you think happens
out there on the playground, Brad?
All right, now come on, buddy.
It's your turn. All right?
I'll be the fourth grader.
Can I just go inside already, please?
Hey, buddy come on, this is easy.
You can do this.
I said, no! I don't like this stuff.
I'll just stay away from them
from now on. Mom?
Okay, come here, buddy.
- Come on. It's all right.
- Brad.
Help me out here. Come on.
Hey, wait.
Pal, listen...
I know what it's like
to be afraid to go to school.
Okay? When I was your age,
this group of older kids
started picking on me.
I ran and I cried
underneath the bleachers.
They bothered me every day,
because they knew
I was too afraid to face them.
Until one day, I'd had enough.
And I socked Jesse Hubbard
right in the nose.
Really? And they left you alone?
Damn right they did.
Brad. (SOFTLY) That was good.
Come here, buddy.
Hey, I'm proud of you. All right?
Now, look at me. I want you to punch them
right in the Adam's apple. Okay?
I want you to shatter their throat.
Hold on, hold on.
I'm sorry. Look, I'm having
a pang of guilt right now.
Full disclosure. Some of the elements
of my story weren't exactly true.
Um, the incessant crying, 100% true.
The constant bullying, absolutely,
it all happened, but I, uh...
I've never punched anyone in my life.
I could have told you that.
- Then what did you do?
- Yeah, what did you do?
Well, nothing at all.
In fact, sixth grade was so rough,
I changed my name to Devin Lacecock.
Why the hell would you tell him that?
I pretended to be blind for an entire
school year, just to elicit empathy.
Which was great until
they found me intently watching
an episode of MASH.
In fact, it got so bad,
my parents had to refinance
our house to put me in private school.
Let's just do that.
Can I go to private school, please?
No, Dylan, we can't do that.
Want to know why?
Because ever since that day,
I've always run away from conflict.
In fact, if I had a dad like Dusty
when I was your age, maybe
he could have taught me
how to stand up for myself.
So, wait. You're saying,
if I don't stick up for myself now,
I'll grow up to be a huge wussy like you?
Um, yes. That is the basic
gist of what I'm saying. Yes.
Okay. Then let's do this.
DUSTY: Come on, buddy, you got this.
Give me something. Come on.
Faster, harder, meaner, stronger.
You're fast, you're good.
You're a winner. You're a champion.
They got to let you off the leash, baby.
We got a little pit bull here.
That was really nice, you guys. Good job.
It was really fun to watch
the two of you working together
like a couple of great co-dads.
Yeah.
Co-dads. That's...
That's good stuff.
You know what?
In that same spirit of unity,
I want to show my gratitude
for your inviting me
to stay here and share moments like these.
Oh, about that, Dusty.
When I pulled you over there, actually...
No, what you've done here
does not go unnoticed.
And I repay my debts.
Look, Sara, I know how much
you want another child.
I think I can help
put a baby in there for you.
- Oh, my God!
- What are you saying?
- I mean I got a guy.
- Dusty, please! You got a guy?
Yes, I got a guy. A fertility doctor.
He's a buddy of mine.
I trained him for his first Ironman.
All right? Dr. Francisco is the real deal.
- Dr. Emilio Francisco?
- You've heard of him?
Oh, my God, yeah.
He's been on Dr. Oz like 10 times.
Yeah, he's one of the top five reproductive
endocrinologists in the country.
See? People wait years
to get an appointment with this guy.
Do you really think he would see us?
- Whoa, whoa, hold on.
- I know he would.
If anybody can help you
have a baby, he can.
Mommy's going to have a baby?
Cool! Can we name it Griff?
Oh, thanks, D-man.
Look, you guys,
I don't know if this is a good idea.
What, you don't wanna name your baby
after a black person?
- Is that it?
- No!
You probably want to name it something
really white, like Connor or Gordon.
Harland, or Scot with one T. Or Brad.
No, no, Griff is a lovely name.
I'm just saying,
I don't think it's a good
idea to get our hopes up,
because, in the end,
odds are, I'm going to let you down.
Okay, honey, but what if I promise,
promise, promise not to get my hopes up?
We could just try, right? It can't hurt.
Okay, sure.
But you can't get your hopes up.
No. I won't, I won't! Thank you!
I feel like you've already
gotten your hopes up.
- Where are you going?
- Nowhere!
- You calling your mother?
- No!
Okay, yes, but it's about something else.
It's not about something else.
Damn it, Brad, he set you up.
He used this fancy doctor
to get your wife back on the baby train.
When those test results come back
and prove that you can't give her a baby,
guess who's gonna be waiting
there cocked and loaded?
Well, I trust my wife, so we really don't
need to keep talking about it, okay?
Let me tell you a little story, Brad.
When Jeneane, my fourth, and I
were returning from our honeymoon,
she told me that
she had a 23-year-old kid.
Brazilian boy.
Said she had him real young.
So he moves in with us.
Doesn't speak a lick of English.
There are the usual tensions.
I try to assert my authority.
"Andreas, get your feet
off the furniture."
"Andreas, you're too old
to sleep in bed with Mommy."
"Andreas, you got to stay off the 'roids."
And he'd get mad,
and hit me with a car antenna.
Eh... Maybe that's the way kids are.
No. Not really.
So I adopt him,
help him get his citizenship.
The second the papers come through,
guess what happens?
I already know.
Bam! They shack up together in Barstow.
It turns out Andreas
- is her boyfriend, Brad.
- Mmm-hmm.
I did not see it coming.
I actually did, about one,
two words into your story.
The moral of this fable is,
it's good to know when you're beaten.
- You know I think the world of you, Brad.
- Thank you.
But if I'm being completely honest,
even I'm rooting for Dusty.
He's just so damn likeable.
You know, it's getting kind of late.
Shouldn't we just get back to work?
Okay, you win.
So where are we on The Panda Jam
numbers for next summer?
London, you still on the conference call?
Dusty Mayron, you crazy hijo de puta!
- (LAUGHS) Hey, what's up, Doc?
- (EXCLAIMING)
You look great, man. You still
rocking those Ironmans, huh?
Yeah, bro.
I just finished Brazil in 11:40.
- That's unbelievable.
- Yeah. Well, come on.
Ain't nothing on you, man.
Hey, my first race,
I'm limping across the finish line
when this ******* laps me.
I mean, come on, who wins an Ironman,
then decides to go around again?
Who does that?
It sounds exhausting.
Hey, I'm Dr. Francisco. You must be Sara.
Hi. (LAUGHS)
Dusty, you were not lying
about this one. Very nice.
And you weren't lying
about this one either.
You must be Chief Glowing Sack.
What? (LAUGHS)
Hey, come on,
I'm just lighting you up, man.
Come on, little hug.
Okay, come on back, y'all.
Let's take a look.
All right. So let's run it down.
I think we can safely say that your issue
has nothing to do with X-rays.
You know what, sweetheart, come here.
Let's see that pretty little hand.
Okay. Now put it right in here.
- Oh!
- Okay, you feel that?
- Yeah.
- Okay, that is not how you want
testicles to be shaped.
Really? It feels like all the other...
Hi.
Well, it cuts off blood flow, okay?
Limits potency.
You want them to...
You know what? Actually...
- Hey, Dusty!
- Hey.
- Why is he coming in here?
- Little help in here, please.
Oh, come on. You gotta put me
through this every time?
- Come on. Be a sport.
- All right.
Oh, my God! What are you doing?
Is this even ethical?
(GASPS) James and the Giant Peach.
(GULPS)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
It's okay, I gulp every time.
You see, this... This is what you want.
Plump and bulbous.
Glassy smooth, like
two Patrick Stewarts,
you know what I mean?
Don't embarrass me in front
of Sara like this anymore, okay?
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, sorry, bro.
So, ready to milk the cow,
see if we even got a sliver of hope here?
Hey, Dusty, come on, buddy. Want to
try to break your own record?
Oh, no, I'm good.
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, come on, man.
I'm doing you a favor here.
Give me something to brag
about at the next symposium.
All right, fine. You want to break
the record, I gotta break the record.
(LAUGHS) Yeah. Kid came to play.
Should I grab a big cup, too?
What? Stop screwing around.
Come on. We're burning daylight here.
(DOOR OPENS)
(WOMEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
(SIGHS)
(ALL GASPING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hello. Quick question.
How difficult would it be
for someone to whip up
a batch of your Cinnabons?
Would you need restaurant-grade ovens?
Bradsky. Could you
pass this along to Dusty?
It's his first resids check.
Disclaimer. It's more than you make.
- Don't get worried about it.
- How much more than...
Oh, and tell him, 8:30 sharp at my house.
He doesn't need to bring anything.
All right, buddy?
I've never been to your house.
No, you haven't.
SARA: Oh, my God, my hair, it looks awful.
Doesn't Mommy's hair look pretty?
- No. Next slide, please.
- DUSTY: Oh, okay.
- Slides. Fun.
- DUSTY: Aw...
Cool. You guys climbed that?
Yuck. Why are you guys kissing
in every single picture?
Oh, Mommy used to kiss Daddy a lot.
SARA: Married people kiss a lot.
DUSTY: Ready?
Wow, China.
I loved it there.
Dylan, you were created right
there on that wall, buddy.
- Really?
- Dusty, that's enough.
- DUSTY: Okay, next slide.
- (SARA LAUGHS)
That's where your mom and I met,
doing The King and I in summer stock.
SARA: God, that costume was so tight.
(LAUGHS)
Next slide, please.
Oh, my God.
- MEGAN: Is that baby me?
- SARA: Mmm-hmm.
All right, you guys, let's,
um, get ready for bed.
- Okay?
- DUSTY: It's story time, Mayron family!
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
MEGAN: We don't have to wait
for Mr. Whitaker, do we?
I really don't like you,
but that **** is heartbreaking.
(DOOR CLOSING)
MEGAN: Yay! Griff's home!
So the King raised his mighty sword
and rained steel down upon the Step King.
But the Step King
blocked it with his shield.
And swung his cat o'nine tails
into the King's smug face.
Which the King easily brushed aside
like the feather of a gull.
And then the King did counter
with a barrage of slashes
and thrusts so fast and precise
that the Step King had no way to parry.
BOTH: Yay!
But he did. He did.
He parried all of them.
- Easily. It was no big deal.
- BOTH: Aw.
Then he grabbed the King's
sword right out of his hand
and smashed it over his knee.
BOTH: Boo!
That's when the King pulled out
a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!
Which is completely anachronistic.
So if we're doing any time period,
then the Step King just happened to be
wearing Kevlar body armor.
- Concussion grenade!
- Hand grenade.
- Rocket launcher.
- Missile launcher.
- Air strike.
- Nuclear strike.
- Black hole.
- God.
We know what this comes down to.
The Step King was very upset
because when the real King
pulled out his sword,
it was long and shiny,
and the Step King
did shudder at the size of it.
And while the Step King acknowledged
that the King carried a mighty,
beautifully engraved broadsword,
all the maidens in the land
preferred the more average-sized
Step King's sword because
it knew how to listen.
- (SCOFFS)
- And the King needs to realize
he's a guest in his castle
and he better mind his P's and Q's
because the Step King
has had it up to here
with the King's bull****!
Brad said a naughty word.
Kids, I'm so sorry you had to hear
that inappropriate language.
Make sure you tell your mother.
Brad, can I talk to you
in the hall, please?
(SIGHS)
Brad, what just happened in there, man?
(WHISPERING) Look, the Step King
should not have
used inappropriate language in front of
the Prince and Princess, he admits that.
Why are you still saying it
like that, Brad?
We're out in the hall.
I don't know. I'm upset.
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- Hold on.
Oh-ho-ho! Hello?
Yeah, Brad's here, he's doing good.
Hey, it's Dr. Francisco.
He wants us all to come in tomorrow.
9:30 work for you?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Yeah,
we'll see you then.
All right, bud. Come on, man.
The doctor will be with you in a moment.
ALL: Thank you.
(SARA GRUNTING)
Hey, Brad, whatever happens
here, I just want you to know
that I'm proud of you for doing your best.
- Okay?
- Thank you.
Hello, hello. Okay.
I'm going to cut right to the chase.
Sara, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
Oh, God. That is a tough break. I'm sorry.
Damn, that is a real shame.
My heart is melting.
Yeah, it's a real shame, Sara.
A real shame that
you're gonna have to put up
with Brad here pounding away on you
over and over,
now that he's got a fighting chance
of getting you pregnant.
- (GASPING)
- What? Oh, my God!
- Holy moly!
- Oh, my God.
Hey, Doc, Doc, don't give them
a false sense of hope.
Remember what you said about
the blood flow and the screwy 'nads?
Yeah, well, Brad has you
to thank for that, Dusty.
Okay, in lab rats,
whenever another alpha male
comes around, it can spike testosterone,
driving up sperm counts.
Now, no guarantees, okay?
But with my help, Brad,
I think you got enough left in the tank
to make it all the way to baby town.
That's so wonderful. Thank you.
- BOTH: Thank you so much.
- Of course.
- Can we give you a hug?
- Oh, yeah. Come on in.
BRAD: Oh, my gosh.
- Did not expect this.
- Mmm...
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
You virile sea snake, you.
- I underestimated you, Brad.
- Yes, you did.
I can finally give Sara everything,
and it feels good.
Now, listen, this is what you need to do.
You need to go and pee outside
the room that Dusty sleeps in.
He's gonna smell your urine and know that
your virility is not to be taken lightly.
It's good advice.
I did it last year in the lobby.
Oh, I remember. It was a health hazard.
It scared the FedEx guy.
No, I'm going to take
the high road on this one.
Okay, fine, take the high road.
But jam a baby up in there
as quickly as you can, Brad.
Because, in the end, if Sara
does choose Dusty over you,
he has to be stepdad to your baby.
- How beautiful is that?
- (LAUGHS)
Come on, five it.
No. You know, it feels strange
to high-five over the custody
of my unborn child.
I've been on Dusty's team.
I'm trying to jump over
to the winning team Brad.
- Get on this.
- I'd really rather not.
I'm trying to share a moment
with you here. Please five me.
It feels... No, thanks.
- Got it!
- Wait. No.
- Sweet.
- It didn't count.
I love you, Brad.
It's not a binding high-five.
Fat beans in there.
- Dusty?
- Brad.
What can I do for you?
Oh, wow, that's some impressive up-downs.
Look, uh,
what you did for Sara and me,
that's a life-changer, and
I just wanted to say thank you.
And I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?
Well, here's the thing.
I mean, you show up,
here's this guy who's cool and exciting.
I guess I felt a little competitive, and
slightly insecure, and I start thinking,
well, maybe you want to challenge me.
But today you proved that
all you really care about
is our family's happiness.
Oh, man.
I'm humbled.
I mean it. And you know what?
You're right. I was challenging you, Brad.
- Yeah?
- The truth?
I see this new man in my kids' life.
He's kind and caring and successful,
and I don't even want to like you.
But I can't help it. I like you, Brad.
Really?
I was determined to push you out
and get my family back.
I was underhanded
and disingenuous about it.
I feel like a monster.
No. No, no, no.
(SIGHS)
At the risk of being disrespectful,
I want you to shut your mouth.
You are allowed
to have those feelings. Okay?
Heck, we're talking about
your own children here, for cripes' sake.
Clean slate?
Absolutely.
Come here.
(SIGHS)
You know what's funny?
You're not even sweating,
after doing all those push-ups.
That's exemplary.
(SIGHS)
Thank you, Dusty.
Thank you, Brad.
Oh, uh...
You know, all that stuff about pushing
me out and taking over my family,
I mean, we're through all that, right?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm here to defeat you
and take back my family.
That can't change.
But now I'll follow your noble example
and do it above board.
Honestly. Like a man. Like you.
But we just hugged. You said you like me.
Oh, I do like you, Brad, very much.
It doesn't make this any easier.
You know I'm gonna have to tell Sara
what you said in here today.
Of course.
It would be irresponsible not to.
She's not gonna like it.
She's gonna want you out.
You're right about that, Brad.
What the hell are you up to?
I just told you what I'm up to.
My head is spinning right now.
Hey, you got any sweet potatoes? Or yams?
Sweet potatoes or yams?
Griff, you know we have yams, all right?
You made me buy them for you.
I wanted to respect
your house by asking you
before I got them.
I didn't want to just go grab yams.
Okay, I appreciate that.
I'm dealing with something.
- Just go get the yams.
- All right.
Here's the thing. You're right, Dusty.
Yeah. I'm not going to tell Sara.
But I'm gonna prove to you
that I'm the best.
You can eat my dust, Dusty.
Christmas already?
Why didn't anybody tell me?
It's not. It's the middle of April.
- Daddy must have done this!
- BRAD: Ho, ho, ho, ho!
No, he didn't. (LAUGHS)
- Brad.
- Ho, ho!
Claus is the name.
Santa Claus, if you please.
But this Brad you speak of called me
all the way up at the North Pole.
He said his children were so sad because
their biological father had missed so many
Christmases and birthdays
and special family holidays,
so he asked me
to come here today so that Dusty
could experience one Christmas
with his kids before he leaves again.
Probably for a long, long time.
Ho, ho, ho!
Can we open presents?
You sure can, little girl.
I think they're from Brad.
In fact, all the presents are from Brad.
Let's see if any of the
presents are from Dusty.
Nope. Not one present from Dusty.
All from Brad.
Hey, kids, let's not forget
who got you a dog. Remember?
Hey, Tumor, quit humping Mrs. Claus!
(GROWLING)
Okay, I am officially worried about you.
Don't worry, Claus hasn't forgotten you.
Huh?
- For me?
- Yeah.
(GASPS)
Oh, my God, honey, it's beautiful.
I love it.
Wait, no! No! No, no. It's too much.
(TUMOR BARKS)
Oh, no, it looks like Tumor's
given away Megan's big gift.
(SCREAMING JOYFULLY)
A pony! A pony! A pony!
I know, it's a pony!
- Ho, ho, ho!
- (CONTINUES SCREAMING)
It's a pony, Dusty! A pony!
Can we name her Princess Elsa?
You can name him whatever you want,
because it's yours!
Brad, how can we afford a pony?
Where are we even going to put that thing?
I can clear out some stable
space in the garage.
Look, it's only half a horse.
Okay? Think of it like
a big dog, only a lot better.
Oh, what's this? What the heck?
It's tickets to tonight's
NBA playoff game...
- What?
- ...against Dylan's favorite team,
the Los Angeles Lakers?
Oh, thanks, Brad! You're the coolest!
I love you, Brad!
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Merry Christmas, Whitaker family!
GRIFF: Christmas?
How long was I asleep for?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
- You guys got enough candy?
- Yeah!
Remember, you can have anything
you want, 'cause it's Christmas!
No, it isn't. It's not Christmas, kids.
- BRAD: All right. Here we are.
- Oh, sick! We're this close?
Yeah. Pretty good, right?
Megan, you sit down right there.
Perfect. Dylan, you sit next to me.
And, Dusty, I'm so sorry. Yeah.
I could only get four in a row.
I couldn't get five.
So you're across the aisle,
next to that gentleman.
All right, guys, I'll be right here.
- We can still chat.
- Bye, Daddy.
Look, there's Kobe! It's him!
He's right there.
Thank you, Brad, this is the best present
I've ever gotten.
- You are so welcome.
- In my whole life.
I'm glad to hear it's the
best present you've ever got!
How much did these seats cost?
Not too much.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give a big welcome
to all the kids from Hearts of Courage.
Whoo! Hearts of Courage kids!
Proud of you, you're all miracles!
Whoo! I love kids!
All right, honey. That's plenty.
I just get excited
when I'm with my family!
Dusty! Dusty Mayron!
- Marco? Hey!
- (MARCO LAUGHS)
What's up, man? Are you coaching now?
Yeah, I'm the new strength
and conditioning coach.
- Oh, man.
- Check you out.
Hey, I played ball with him in Italy.
This is my family. My little guy, Dylan.
He's the biggest Kobe fan in the world.
Really? Well, come on down.
I'll introduce you.
- What?
- What? You hear that?
You want to meet Kobe?
MARCO: Bring the whole family down.
You guys can sit with the team.
Hey, this is my little girl, Megan.
She just invited me to her first
Daddy-Daughter Dance.
- So sweet.
- What did he just say?
What the hell did he just say?
Oh, sorry. He's okay.
No, I'm not okay. He's not okay.
- Honey, you need to calm down.
- No! I'm not gonna calm down.
She asked me first!
And now she's asking him?
No. It's not fair.
You know what, actually, it's very fair.
Okay? She has two dads.
She wants you both there.
You just have to accept that.
No, I'm not going to accept it. All right?
I do pick-up! I do drop-off!
Okay, I volunteer at school!
I listen to the tantrums and the crying
and the soundtrack of Frozen
that's on a goddamn loop all the time!
And he just waltzes in for a few days,
and now he gets to go as well? No!
No, she's got to choose.
It's either me or him!
- Megan, you got to choose!
- (SARA SHUSHING)
- You got to choose!
- SARA: Hey!
It's the biggest decision of your life!
Hey!
You know what? I'm going to pretend
you're not acting like a crazy person,
because I know you're very upset.
But you need to get over yourself. Okay?
Now go down there and
be happy with your kids.
No! A scalper gouged me 18 grand
for these seats. I'm not leaving them!
What?
- (STAMMERING)
- What did you just say?
Yeah. Nothing. Let's just... You're right.
(SIGHS) I'm so much more relaxed now.
Thank you.
Yeah. Let's just go down... Let's just...
No!
I think you should sit
in your $18,000 seats,
and think of all the better ways
your family could have used that money.
Sara.
The guy from the nuclear sub thing?
- Mayron! That's him.
- That's the guy?
Can I get some beers down here?
Can I get five beers?
Excuse me, some beers!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHEERING)
THE WHIP: What's up, everybody?
Let's make some noise!
Whoo-hoo!
Tonight, one lucky fan is going to
get a chance to shoot from half court
to win a family vacation to Disney World!
(ALL CHEERING)
And our lucky fan is sitting in
section 113,
row 6,
C-1. Where is he?
Let's see it. Where is he?
It's me. It's me, I win!
- There he is.
- I win.
I'm-a make it to Disneyland.
I'm-a make it all right.
- All right, Brad!
- Yay, Brad!
Yay, Brad!
All right, sir, how you doing?
What's your name?
First off, I love my kids.
He loves his kids! Let's give it up!
And if anyone was ever
to do anything to them,
- I would hurt them.
- Okay.
I would freakin' hurt them!
THE WHIP: Okay.
This guy over here is trying to take them!
Trying to steal my family.
He doesn't sweat!
Okay, you know what?
Why don't we just shoot...
But I got news for you, buddy!
Last night, while you were sleeping,
I made love to our wife!
- Okay.
- My wife!
BRAD: Sara, right over there!
Took my wiener out of my pants!
This is a family event, okay?
- Boo! Boo!
- All right.
So,
even if Sara does pick you,
you're going to have to be
the stepdad to my kid!
You see how you like it! Okay?
THE WHIP: Let's get somebody else
down here, all right? Somebody else...
Somebody else is going to win
a family trip!
Give me that ball, you.
This one's for Dylan and Megan
and Sara and Dylan.
Nothing but net.
THE WHIP: All right, he's going for it!
Nothing but net!
(GRUNTS)
- (GROANING)
- (ALL GASPING)
Do-over!
- That's a do-over!
- No do-over. No.
It's a do-over!
- (GROANS)
- (ALL GASPING)
(BRAD THUDDING)
(ALL APPLAUDING)
THE WHIP: I'm so sorry
you had to see that. I'm so sorry.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
SARA: Hey, kids, why don't you go inside
and put on your pajamas?
- What are you doing?
- I'm comforting you.
Sara, look... Sorry, too soon. I know.
But I just want you to know
that I'm here for you and the kids.
Oh, really? You want to be
a real parent now? Is that what this is?
Absolutely. I'm here now.
Dusty, I'm working crazy hours this week.
With Brad gone, the kids
are gonna have to be dropped off,
picked up, taken to swimming lessons.
Dylan has a play date with Eli on Tuesday,
and Megan has a dentist
appointment on Friday.
Sara, I know in the past
I've been unreliable,
but this is a new me. All right?
This is the new Dusty.
Well, you can't take them
to school on a motorcycle.
- You need a car.
- Done.
Okay.
Hey! You're not staying here!
Are you sure you don't need
company right now?
I mean, you're going through
a tough transition here.
Be here at 6:30 tomorrow morning.
Well, can I at least
come in and get my stuff?
No!
DUSTY: I'm gonna wait for a while,
in case you change your mind.
(SIGHS)
Hey.
Oh...
What did you throw Griff out for?
- This place is chaotic.
- (SCOFFS)
There's always some bull****
going on in that house.
God, man. Want to go to the Red Roof Inn?
Let's do it.
Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
(MUFFLED) Yes, sir.
DORIS: Okay. No running!
All right. Lindsey! Sloane!
Car's open right down there!
Okay, sir, inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Keep it inside...
That's right! Thank you.
(CAR ENGINE REVVING)
Hi. I see you've been picking up
Megan and Dylan these past few days.
Should I expect you from now on?
Um, yeah, I'm their real dad,
so yeah, from now on.
Terrific. I see that you also haven't
signed up to volunteer in the lane.
Brad was so good about
helping us out in the lane,
in the classroom, PTA, and so forth.
We could always count on him
for bake sales, Spring Sing,
costumes for Winter Pageant.
You know the drill.
I hope I can count on you
to be the new Brad.
Ah, sure, yeah. You can count on me.
I mean, I'm their real dad,
so, yeah, I'll be here every day.
Great. So, if your kids aren't out here,
I'm gonna need you to circle around
to the back of the line. Okay?
- No, I can't go around.
- Thanks.
I came ten minutes early
so I don't have to...
If your kids aren't here,
you have to go around!
I know. There's somebody
in front of me. Okay?
Just go around!
I can't just go over the
cones! I'm boxed in here!
- Go around!
- No, you can't! Okay?
She said stay in the cone, like ice cream!
- (HONKING)
- Go around!
DORIS: Inside the cones!
Amanda has got a recital!
I have to get there! You need to go!
(HORN HONKING CONTINUES)
(REVVING ENGINE)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
- DORIS: Hey!
We always stay inside the cones!
Cones! (GRUNTING)
Cones! Come on!
(MR. HOLT SIGHING)
Have you been living here
for the last few days, Brad?
No.
Then what's with the blankets
and the hot plate
and the B.O.?
I crapped in the wastebasket.
You know, Brad, two years
into my thing with Charlene,
her first husband showed up.
Oriental fellow.
You can't say that.
You cannot say "Oriental."
His name was Yu or Wu.
It could have been Javier.
Anyway, I get off early one day,
get home, and
there he is, stark naked in our bed.
I didn't know what to think.
Really? You didn't know what to think?
Six months later,
I wake up in a Chinese prison
with a tattoo on my lower back
of a golf ball rolling towards my butthole.
I can't hear these stories anymore.
I'm sorry. I know they're
supposed to help...
Griff! What are you doing here?
Thought you should know
Dusty came by the bar earlier.
He was talking about how
he can't do the daddy thing.
I tried to talk some sense into him, but
he seemed determined to get out of town.
What, he's leaving?
I don't think I have to tell you,
but little Megan's dance is tonight,
and she's not going to have a daddy.
That's fantastic. Brad, you win.
And Dusty, because of
an act of cowardice, loses.
I mean, you're the daddy again.
Come on, hit that.
(SIGHS)
No, I'm not her daddy.
I wish more than anything I was,
but I'm not.
Yeah, you're right, Brad. A real dad
wouldn't give up on his kids so easy.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Griff!
Wait!
He's still in the room, Brad.
Oh, hey.
Sorry. I thought you stormed out.
What you said sounded like a storm-out,
and then I heard the door close.
I just thought that ****
was getting kind of personal,
so it'd be good to close the door.
So extremely thoughtful. Thank you. Yeah.
And just so you know where my head was at,
I was going to chase you
down the hallway. Right?
You'd hear my footsteps and you're like,
"Is someone after... What's going on?"
Boom! It's me, and I'm like, "Griff, hey!
"You were right."
Holy ****! That would be so uplifting.
Can we do that?
Griff, can you storm out, and Brad,
you go after him?
I don't really want any part of that.
That sounds like pure nonsense to me.
I don't want... I'd rather not.
We could just try it, you know?
No, that sounds forced and weird to try to
recreate something. Not even recreate.
It would be creating. It didn't happen.
It's over-discussed at this point.
Shouldn't you go see your kid?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.
You guys go. Brad, can I come?
No.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Daddy's not coming, is he?
Oh, honey, he'll be here. He promised.
I see cupcakes over there.
I think you should go eat some. Go on.
Go eat a lot of sugar.
(VIBRATING)
Dusty.
- Nope.
- Come on, Dusty.
Where are you going?
I'd pay a billion dollars
to take her to that dance.
- You're just gonna leave?
- You take her then.
I can't take her. Okay?
I'm not welcome after I said
I was gonna put a spite baby
in her mother.
- I guess that's out, then.
- Yeah, that is out.
- So it's gotta be you.
- (SIGHS)
I'm sorry, Brad,
I just can't do it, all right?
What do you mean, you can't do it?
I can't stay inside the cones.
Look, Dusty, the cones are
there for everyone's safety.
- It's not about the cones.
- You just said it was.
The cones are a metaphor, Brad.
I'm not the domestic type, okay?
Dusty, come on.
What are you talking about?
You're organized, you're handy.
You make the best cinnamon rolls
I have ever tasted.
Those were Cinnabons, Brad. Come on.
You can't make rolls like that
in a conventional oven.
I knew it! I knew it.
I knew it from the beginning!
So you've been telling
some tall tales, huh?
- All that Special Ops stuff.
- No, just the Cinnabons!
Why would you lie about Cinnabons?
'Cause I wanted to win. All right?
I wanted to prove that
I was a good dad, too, but I'm not.
Okay? Are you happy?
Is that what you want to hear?
All the noise and the mess
and all the choices.
You do one thing wrong,
you can screw them up for life.
- Do you realize that?
- Yeah.
Dads have to make a lot of choices, okay?
And we blow most of them.
Yeah, and the other parents.
That kid, Eli. I was over there
for a play date. You know about this?
You can't just ride your bike
over to a friend's house,
to play Hot Wheels anymore,
now you got to make some kind of date?
- I know, it's a shame.
- Well, I'm over there,
and the kid's dad keeps
asking me if Dylan's gonna be
in the gifted program with Eli.
Like Dylan isn't as smart as
his little ball-scratcher kid.
I wanted to murder that smug prick.
Dusty, look, I hate that guy, too, okay?
But his son is Dylan's best friend,
so you suck it up.
(STUTTERING) I mean, that's most of
what dads do, is take ****.
I mean, that's what we do.
I can't do it, Brad.
I can't take **** like you do.
You take **** better than
anyone I've ever met,
and I mean that as a compliment
from the bottom of my heart.
- Thank you.
- But I'm sorry, Brad. I can't.
I can't do it, man.
You made a promise to Megan,
and you're gonna keep it.
Ow!
(GROANING)
Did you just punch me in the face, Brad?
Ow, yes.
Knowing full well I got no choice
but to bust you up now?
I really wish you wouldn't.
If I did, you'd take that beatdown
for those kids, wouldn't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I would.
- Come on.
- Good luck, Dusty.
What? No, no, you gotta come.
It's just... I can't see Sara
after what I said.
Sara loves you, Brad. All right?
I know just what to say to her.
You just stand there
and look lost without her.
- I am lost without her.
- Well, that's good. Then let's go.
- But I look terrible.
- Yeah, you do. Come here.
- What are you doing?
- I'm fixing you up, man.
Dusty, get your hands out of my pants.
Calm down. Think I want to
touch your little dinky?
I'm trying to fix you up.
All right. Let me see.
Wow. I look great.
Here you go.
- That's incredible.
- Come on.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
SARA: Hey, pumpkin.
Daddy wanted to be here,
I know he did. He just gets...
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Uh-oh.
She's doing her arms-folded thing.
You said she'd smile.
Maybe even start a slow clap.
Don't worry, I got this. Okay? Come on.
Oh, hey, look, it's the guy that
stranded his kids at school.
And look who he's with.
Did you get anybody pregnant
on your way over here, Brad?
No, I didn't.
- DUSTY: Sara, listen...
- No!
- Sara, please.
- No. I am not going to listen to you.
You know what? Your daughter's been
sitting there for two hours, heartbroken.
Sara, I am so sorry...
Oh, just, please. Will one of you idiots
just ask your daughter to dance?
- Really?
- SARA: Yes.
Neither one of you deserves her, but yes.
- Go ahead, Dusty.
- No, you take the first one.
You've earned it more than I have.
Dusty, please, she's your daughter.
What the hell did I miss?
I'll tell you what. I'll vouch for you
to the kids and I'll take the first dance.
I'll say my good-byes,
and then I'll get out of your hair.
Wait, wait. When you say
"get out of your hair,"
you mean leave, like leave-leave? Tonight?
Daddy! Brad! The fourth graders are here.
They're picking on Dylan again.
That's it.
Those little ****heads are dead.
Where are they?
DUSTY: Those are the fourth graders?
- They're girls.
- Uh-huh. They're so mean.
Why are you even here at
the Daddy-Daughter Dance?
Are you a daughter? Are you a girl?
Are you too scared to take me on
without your little friends?
- Oh, no, he's calling out the big one.
- Oh-oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
Come on!
Dylan!
- (ALL GASP)
- Yes!
- Dylan, what are you doing?
- Did you see? Did you see?
I punched her in the face,
just like you taught me.
- What?
- And then I kicked her right in the nuts.
You like that, *****? Huh?
- No, no, no!
- You want some more, *****?
Sweetheart, what happened?
What's going on here?
He punched me in the face.
Then he kicked me in the swimsuit area.
Then he called me the "B" word.
Who did, him?
He did. I saw it.
He said they taught him to hit girls.
No, no. We thought
your daughter was a boy.
- What?
- No, what he means is that
Dylan told us that a fourth grader
was picking on him,
but he didn't tell us it was a girl.
Yeah, and if you had, we'd have told you
it's never okay to hit a girl.
And that she's probably only bugging you
because she likes you, buddy.
I do not like him.
Oh, I think she likes him.
Ah, gross, whatever.
She totally does.
Are you calling my daughter a whore?
- What?
- They were implying it, Jerry.
Wait. That's quite a stretch.
Mrs. Troy, please. I got this.
Wait, first of all, which one
of you two is the kid's dad?
They both are.
(GASPS)
Oh, my gosh. Wow!
I'm sorry. That's the first time
he's ever referred to me as Dad.
It's something I've wanted to hear
for a long time, so it's a bit poignant.
I tend to cry a lot
when things get emotional.
They tease me all the time.
- I'm actually the stepdad.
- Oh, is that right?
So you're the real dad, huh!
Hey. You don't want to
embarrass yourself, buddy.
You threatening me now, tough guy?
- He's threatening you, Jerry.
- Nobody's threatening anybody.
But you're gonna want to
back that up, Jerry.
And you, Squidward tie.
Quit being an instigator,
or I'm gonna have to rap you in the mouth.
(YELPS)
Hey, hey, hey. Everyone just calm down.
We're at the Daddy-Daughter Dance.
You stay out of it, all right?
You don't count!
I want to talk to the real dad here.
Hey, Brad here is more of
a real dad than any of us.
You ever want to see how you should be
raising your kids, go look at this guy.
Here I go again. What did I tell you?
- Really? You mean that?
- Yes, I do, Brad.
You're a great dad.
(ALL GASPING)
- Like that?
- You shouldn't have done that.
Yeah? Why?
I'm pretty sure he kills people for a job.
He's been rather vague with me,
but that's what I'm kind of surmising.
- Are we gonna do this?
- DUSTY: Oh, we're gonna do it.
- Okay. You ready?
- DUSTY: Yeah, I'm ready.
- This is what you get.
- MEGAN: Daddy.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Want another one? Come on in.
What's going on?
Is this like some UFC ****?
DUSTY: Come on, Brad.
That's right. It's a dance, Jerry.
Yeah. So dance, Jerry!
Yeah! You just got served, Jerry!
You just got a piping hot serving.
I'm not getting served.
You're getting served!
You don't know this about me, Jerry,
but I like to move my body.
Get it, Brad!
(ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
Yeah! Yeah, Brad!
This is a dance! Let's go!
(ALL CHEERING)
(LAUGHING)
Am I the only one with my shirt off?
You know you can't leave, right?
You want me to stay?
These guys are growing up so fast.
You don't want to miss it.
You're sweating profusely.
- I know. I sweat a lot.
- That's cool.
Thank you.
BRAD: So Dusty did stay.
And with the huge amount of money
he was making as the voice of The Panda,
he built his own new castle
right down the street.
Hey!
But we kept Tumor because he didn't
get along with Dusty's new puppy.
(WHIMPERING)
It turns out Tumor was only five...
- (TUMOR GROWLING)
- ...so we're going to have him
for a long, long time.
- BRAD: Tumor!
- (DOORBELL RINGING)
And I was more than a little surprised
when Dusty showed up one day
with his new wife
and his new stepdaughter.
This is my stepdaughter, Adriana.
- Hey, Adriana. I'm Brad.
- Want to go play?
That's your brother and sister.
You guys play nice, okay?
Hey, hon. Who's at the door?
Oh, hey, Sara. This is my wife, Karen.
Oh, is it... Your wife?
SARA: That Karen, wow, she is so great.
It turns out she's
a doctor and a celebrated
novelist. I mean...
Hon, would you...
- Come here, Griff. Come here, Griff. Oh!
- KAREN: He's so cute.
SARA: And I was so surprised when
I found out that we're the same age.
I mean, she looks so young, right?
Good for her!
Honey, you look amazing tonight.
(LAUGHS) What are you talking about?
It's just my normal clothes.
That's how I look.
I just got ready really fast.
Hey, Griff. Hey, little Griffy.
You want to come to Daddy?
What, you think I'm going to
pick his pockets or something?
- BRAD: No.
- He doesn't carry a wallet.
Oh, sweetie, be careful
with that knife, okay?
You're not my dad.
DUSTY: Brad was right.
Being a stepdad isn't always easy.
But he was also right that it's worth it.
And he was right about the Ford Flex, too.
It's a great family car.
Got plenty of room for the kids,
gear, and plenty of pickup for me.
I got the Weekender package.
A few more bells and whistles than Brad's,
but Brad doesn't need to know that.
(MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING)
(GASPS) Daddy!
Sweetie, I've been waiting for you to...
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
I heard a gulp.
DUSTY: (STAMMERS)
Well, a little bit, maybe.
- BRAD: Sure.
- There you are.
BRAD: He's a lot bigger than you.
He's got legs for arms.
Little star, guess what?
I like him. I like him a lot.
Yeah. I bet you he's
going to like us, too.
- BRAD: Remember, Loving Fence.
- DUSTY: Yeah.
BRAD: Just go say hi.
Yeah, look, I got this, buddy. Watch.
Hey. You must be Roger.
Nope.
(TUNING RADIO)
DUSTY: (SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
JASON SINCLAIR: Caught Kenny G.
At the United Center this weekend.
Man, can that guy put on a show.
20,000 people on their feet
for the entire four hours.
You're listening to Jason Sinclair.
This is The Panda.BRAD: Here's a question for you.
What do kids need more? A father or a dad?
What's the difference?
The way I see it, darn near
anyone can be a father...
(ROARING)
...but not everyone has the patience
or the devotion to be a dad.
As for me...
Anybody caught a Monarch yet?
...I've always wanted to be a dad.
Let me tell you, I love it!
Yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
And I love my Ford Flex.
It treats me to a smooth ride,
and you know what?
It didn't break the bank.
Room enough for the whole family.
Yes, I love being a dad.
And I love these two adorable
little rays of sunshine.
Hey, Dylan! Good morning.
Whatever.
BRAD: Okay. I'm not their real dad.
Good morning, Mr. Whitaker.
- I'm their stepdad.
- Good morning, Megan.
Can you please put this on the fridge?
Well, sure. Did you do
another drawing of our family?
- Uh-huh.
- Huh?
That's me and Dylan and Mommy.
So great.
And over here, far, far away,
is you.
Oh? And am I wearing a baseball cap?
That's the knife in your head
'cause I was killing you in the eye.
Oh, I see.
Well, I love how you drew my hair.
That's poop.
Well, it's well-drawn.
And I'm guessing it's dog poop?
That's homeless man poop.
Oh.
All right. (SIGHING)
BRAD: I actually can't
father my own children,
ever since I hit a little
snafu at a dental office.
(MUFFLED) I've got
a little bit of a gag reflex.
Uh, close your eyes, breathe through
your nose, you'll be fine.
Oh. Okay.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(MACHINE SQUEAKING)
(BEEPS)
Oh, you got a really weird tongue.
You need to floss better.
BRAD: Ever since then, my testicles have
been more decorative than anything else.
Hey!
And I thought I'd never have a family.
Until I met a stunning mom named Sara.
Would you look at her?
I am one lucky so-and-so.
I hit the jackpot.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry I'm taking so long.
I have to show that Sixty West
building to those new clients.
- I know.
- (GASPS)
- Oh, my God! The kids' lunches.
- Already packed. I wrote them
little inspirational notes
to start them on their day.
They've already eaten their breakfasts,
and you look perfect.
You are amazing.
Look at this, huh? Another family drawing.
Oh, no. I am so sorry.
No, I think you're misunderstanding.
This is the first drawing
where I'm not dead already.
Sure, I've got a knife in my eye
and some homeless man poop on my head,
(SIGHING)
but this is showing real progress.
I think she's starting to accept me.
You can find the good
in just about anything.
I love that about you. You know that?
Thanks.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello. I'm home.
Hey.
How was the, uh...
What's wrong?
He won't talk to me.
He said he only wants to talk to you.
You want to talk to me?
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
- You mean me and your mom?
- Mmm-mmm.
- Just me? By myself?
- Mmm-hmm.
Sure. I'm...
I'm totally free. Let's go to the den.
We'll sit there.
We'll sit.
We can do it sitting or standing?
Doesn't matter. We're just gonna do it.
We're not gonna overthink it.
Yeah. Great. Okay, good.
Just the men, yeah.
A little rap session. Great.
(WHISPERING) Oh, my God.
I just want you to know that
I'm just here to listen. All right?
No judgments, no lectures,
just a compassionate ear.
- Well, there are these kids at school...
- Mmm-hmm.
...and they're bigger than me,
because they're fourth graders.
- (SHUTTER CLICKING)
- And...
Oh, was that weird?
I'm sorry, I'm just...
It's a big moment for me,
and I'm just trying to capture it.
It just came off awkward.
So, go ahead, continue telling
your story. Fourth graders.
Anyway, there are
these fourth graders, and...
He actually confided in me.
I mean, it was that father-son feeling
I've been dying for,
and it was even better than
I thought it was gonna be.
(SIGHS) I mean, he really needed me. Me.
That is so great, honey.
He even said not to tell you.
So I'm actually totally betraying
his trust right now. (CHUCKLES)
What are we gonna do about
those little snot-nosed fourth graders?
Oh, I think it's going to be fine.
He's going to try to do some
trust falls on the playground.
Really? You think that's gonna work?
As long as they catch him. Yeah.
Hey, Brad.
Yeah?
If I ask you something,
you promise you won't cry again?
Of course, sweetie. What is it?
Well, at school,
they told us about this thing,
and it's called a Daddy-Daughter Dance.
(GASPING)
So, do you want to go with me?
(SOBBING)
You said you wouldn't cry, Brad.
I'm not. Megan, yes. A million times yes.
I thought big people
weren't supposed to cry.
I think it's sweet that he's
crying like a little *****.
(GASPS) Megan!
You are not supposed
to call people that word.
You know what? It takes a real
man to show his emotions.
(SOBBING LOUDLY)
All right, that's a bit much.
VIZZINI: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
FEZZIK: Anybody want a peanut?
(ALL LAUGHING)
BRAD: We were finally becoming a family.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- I'll get it!
After being pushed away
and treated like an outsider,
I was finally becoming
the dad that I always knew I could...
Daddy!
Hi! Where are you?
Where's Cameroon?
Is that gunfire? Cool!
MEGAN: Daddy, Daddy!
I want to talk to Daddy.
Hi, Daddy.
Good.
- So your ex is calling, huh?
- (SIGHS) Yeah.
What a treat for the kids.
It's been a long time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
We're watching a really funny
movie with Mommy and Brad.
Oh, Brad is Mommy's new husband.
Wait. He doesn't know about me?
Well, I haven't talked to him
in six months.
We've been married eight months.
Brad, Daddy wants to talk to you.
- No! No, no. Don't, don't...
- I'm just going to say hi.
You don't need to do that. Brad, don't.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you, sweetie.
Hello, Dusty?
Super to make your acquaintance.
In fact, I just wish
I could shake your hand
and offer to buy you a cold one.
- Tomorrow?
- What?
BOTH: Daddy's coming! Yay!
Oh, yeah, I guess I could pick you up.
- (WHISPERS) No.
- Hmm?
It's Whitaker.
W-H-I-T-A-K-E-R. (CHUCKLES)
No, I'm not comfortable giving you
my Social Security number over the phone.
Uh, okay, yeah, my credit score is 752.
I'm very proud of that. (CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry? What sort of fighting styles
am I proficient in?
I don't know if I've ever been
asked that before.
Hello, Dusty, hello, hello? Hmm...
I lost him.
What just happened?
Did you just invite him to come here?
Is he coming tomorrow?
Well, I didn't know
he'd accept my offer so soon.
I mean, he really jumped at it.
Remember when I said he was like Jesse
James and Mick Jagger had a baby?
Yeah, I just thought maybe
he was really skinny and
jittery, and had like a little bit
of a British accent, or something.
He's wild and he's crazy.
That's why I fell in love with him.
Then you end up with two kids.
And I'm stuck there holding the bag and
he's nowhere to be found.
It doesn't matter how much love or passion,
or you can't breathe without each other.
All of that stuff is stupid in comparison.
When you have kids,
you have responsibilities.
He doesn't understand that.
Honey, this is actually a good thing.
- (SIGHS)
- I'll welcome Dusty into our home,
and we'll establish some kind
but firm boundaries.
All right? It's what Step-By-Stepdad
calls "setting up a Loving Fence."
A Loving Fence?
Wow, that sounds really great, honey.
But your self-help books
have never met Dusty Mayron.
He sounds like a rascal, but I don't
think it's anything I can't handle.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
PANDA SINGER: Check. Check, check.
Chinese Checkers,
Czech, Czech Republic, pop,
sibilance, sibilance, pop,
one, two, six, seven,
check, check, check, check.
What do you got for me, Brad?
Oh, Mr. Holt, hello. Well, hopefully
the new voice of The Panda.
Oh, listen.
I gotta leave early today. I gotta go
pick up my wife's ex at the airport.
Jesus, kid, how'd you
draw that **** detail?
Brad, why do you want
this deadbeat in your home?
Well, it's not that I want him in my home,
it's just that the better
stepparenting books
say that the worst thing you can do
for the kids is to push out the biological.
You're in the danger zone here,
Brad, and let me tell you why.
Kids that grow up without their dads
always end up obsessing over them.
Most of the hook-ups
that I've had in my adult life
have been with women
that had daddy issues.
I don't know if this is
an appropriate story.
Look, my wife would kill me
if she knew I was telling you this.
Well, then you shouldn't tell me this.
When I met her in Denver...
You're going to tell
the story, aren't you?
...she was a topless maid.
- Ninety-nine bucks an hour.
- Mmm-hmm.
Never met her father.
But who did she meet? Me.
And who did treat her like ****? Me.
I eventually loved her,
but every time she got out of line,
I'd just pull the Humvee over
and ask her to get out politely.
And then I'd drive away.
Guess what?
She showed up at home every time.
This story has no relevance
to my situation.
Oh, it doesn't at all.
It's just a good story.
So, Pete, are we going
to hear this guy, or what?
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
I'm sorry.
Keep it up, Brad.
You and I will fight in the parking lot.
BRAD: So today is the day I'm finally
meeting the father of my children.
Am I nervous? You're darn right I am.
But who wouldn't be? (SIGHS DEEPLY)
And here's the thing.
I mean, Pepe, you know, kids...
...they see through things and,
at the end of the day,
they know who's been around...
Holy balls!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I hope that's not him.
(GULPING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
There is no doubt this man
is your better in every way.
Well, you're kind to say that. Thank you.
Yeah, I feel pretty good.
- Hey, you Dusty?
- Nope.
What?
Are you sure?
Are you Dusty... No, you're not Dusty.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(ON RADIO) You've got
Jason Sinclair on The Panda,
the station everybody
in the office can agree on.
What is this?
Now if you're up in Wolf Trap this weekend,
do yourself a favor and check out...
(DOOR OPENING)
Hey! Where have you been?
I called you like 100 times.
(SIGHS) I know, my phone died. Look...
This motorcycle, is this...
Yes. He's here.
- He's here?
- Yes.
What's he doing inside there?
He's giving the kids
all kinds of Starbursts.
Starbursts? God damn it!
Sorry. Sorry. (EXHALES)
I'm a hot habanero pepper right now.
I got a few bullet points I want to
bring up with our friend Dusty,
starting with airport etiquette,
courtesy and expectation.
MEGAN: Oh, good story, Daddy!
You like that story? It's all true. Hey!
Who wants some more Starbursts and
a couple of uncirculated silver dollars?
So you are Dusty.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I sure am. You must be
the new and improved husband.
Bring it in, big guns.
I already met you at the airport.
No, I don't recall that, friend.
Yeah, I walked right up to you
and asked if you were Dusty.
I'm pretty sure I'd remember
a heavy hitter like yourself.
(SCOFFS)
Well, must have been my mistake.
All right, that was me at the airport.
- Yeah, I know that.
- The truth is,
I saw you before you saw me,
and I'm thinking,
"This is the guy who's raising my kids?"
"And damn it if he doesn't
look like the real deal."
I mean, look at you.
You figured it out, didn't you?
You cracked the code.
(CHUCKLES) I don't know about that.
Don't play that humble game with me.
He is so humble. He's just too humble.
Honey, you got it goin' on.
Everybody says so.
Yeah, I got it goin' way on.
So you can understand
why I panicked at the airport.
- I froze, Brad. I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
Look, these are tricky waters to navigate.
They sure are, man. I mean,
that is insightful.
You know, I thought it was weird Sara
didn't tell me about you before.
I thought, what's she hiding?
And now I know.
A champion.
Hey, Brad! Did you see Dad's motorcycle?
Isn't it cool?
BRAD: It sure is.
What is that, an Indian?
Yep.
I believe they're manufactured
in Minneapolis.
I've never been, but that's the setting
for The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
And... What's the other... Rhoda.
Which I want to say was a spin-off.
Damn! You really know
your bikes, Brad. You ride?
Uh-huh. Yeah!
- Really?
- BRAD: Yeah.
I mean, not anymore. I did, you know,
back in college. I had a, um...
I had a Kawa-saki? Kawasaki Nine.
Yeah.
With the fenders and the...
The broil joint. So...
Well, you should get on her, man. Come on!
Take her out, see what she can do.
She's got a lot of power.
Oh, no, no, no.
Yeah, Brad! Brad... Please!
No. Hey, come on, kids. It's time for bed.
It's way past your bedtime.
Let's brush your teeth.
All right, come on, guys,
listen to your mom. Hey, look...
(STUTTERS) I don't want to overstep, but
it would mean the world to me
if I could tuck in our two little blessings.
Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course.
They're your kids. Tuck away.
Oh, thank you for that, Brad.
The King messed up. He messed up bad.
He thought he could just
ride off to slay dragons,
and his Queen would always be
waiting for him.
And then one day the King received word
that his dominion was being ruled over
by some curly-headed Step King
with good credit?
Oh, no!
Well, the King rode hard up on his lands,
and when he arrived,
he did gaze fondly upon the Queen,
remembering their good times together,
for he had known her in her prime,
when she was down for anything,
and I do mean anything.
Psst...
Sounds like your dad's spinning
quite a yarn. Mind if I listen in?
Oh, actually, it's getting late.
You two need to get some sack time.
BOTH: No, we want more story, please!
Hey, I'd love to be in here all night,
but let's be respectful of Brad's rules,
no matter how arbitrary they seem.
All right?
Good night, my little golden treasures.
Good night, my little magical cherubs.
- Here comes some butterfly kisses.
- (GIGGLING)
And some Eskimo kisses.
Good night, buddy.
Sleep tight. Sleep tight.
Hey, who wants good-night tickles?
- BOTH: Me!
- (DUSTY CHUCKLES)
Good night, my little breath of God.
Good night, my little Jesus teardrop.
I almost forgot, my famous
good-night back scratches.
- Oh, so relaxing, so relaxing.
- (SIGHING)
Good night, sweetie bear.
Hey, who wants twenty bucks?
- BOTH: I do! Me!
- Twenty dollars?
- What?
- Oh, yeah.
One for you, and one for you.
I don't know if that's appropriate.
Ah, don't worry about it.
BRAD: Okay. Good night.
So, uh, if you want to, why don't you
come by tomorrow after school?
Might be a good time to...
What about the cold one?
The cold one?
You promised me
a cold one and a handshake.
Cold one. One cold one, coming up.
Great. I'll grab my jacket,
we'll go outside.
Perfect. All right.
Hey! Psst...
What are you doing?
What are you guys buddies now?
No. I mean, I offered him a cold one.
I really should honor
the cold one promise.
(SIGHS) Fine. You give him a cold one,
and then you get rid of him, okay?
You put up your Loving Fence,
- remember?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Then you come to bed.
- Okay.
- Will do.
- Okay.
DUSTY: What you got going on over here?
Oh, uh, that's a treehouse. A little, uh,
bonding project for Dylan and I.
Yeah, we've been at it
for about two months.
DUSTY: It's looking good.
BRAD: Thank you.
So, Dusty, how long do you think
you're going to be in town for?
Well, Brad, the truth is,
I'm wheels-up a week from tomorrow.
Time to get out there and
kick some ass for America.
Oh, I see. So you're a soldier?
Nope.
Oh, so you're a, uh...
Yep.
Yep, what?
(CHUCKLES) You don't want to know
any more than that, Brad.
Okay.
Um, listen, Dusty, I think that we should
set up a visitation schedule.
Right? That way, you feel like
you have ample time with the children...
Why don't we cut the ****, Brad?
No, we don't have to cut the ****.
You want to know what I'm doing here,
why don't you quit looking at
whatever you wrote on your hand?
Be a man and ask me, Brad.
Okay. What are you doing here?
Now, we both know kids need
a single primary male role model.
Sara's made her choice.
I'm man enough to
let that role model be you.
I will vouch for you with my children.
I will give them my sacred
permission to trust you.
To love you and to
call you Dad.
You'd do that for me?
No.
But I will do it for them.
That is what you want, isn't it, Brad?
More than anything in the world.
He played you.
You just got so played out there.
I know it looks that way, 'cause
I promised I would ask him to leave,
and then I invited him to stay for a week,
but he didn't play me.
You know what he did? He cut the ****.
- Oh, he did?
- And I gotta say, it was refreshing.
I think more of us could stand
to just cut the ****, you know.
- Right.
- In one conversation,
he just blew by
eight chapters in my stepdad book.
I mean, this is gonna be so good
for me and the kids.
Oh, baby, you have no idea
who you're dancing with.
Dusty gets into your head,
- that's what he does.
- (WHIRRING)
(MUFFLED) He has a very impressive,
rugged bravado,
there's no question. But I gotta say,
I think in here, there's
a soft, soft creamy center.
You know? I think he feels a lot.
He just... He needs
someone with this, a big ear.
And I got them. Mmm.
Oh, good morning, Dusty.
- Hey.
- You're up and at 'em.
- (OVEN TIMER DINGS)
- Yeah, I got up early
- and did a quick 20.
- Really?
- Twenty minutes of what?
- Oh, twenty miles.
Did a little light sparring,
then I whipped up
a pan of piping-hot
cinnamon rolls for my family.
And I made one for you, too.
Wow. That's very impressive, thank you.
- DUSTY: Good morning, gang!
- Ooh, it smells yummy!
Our real dad's a super,
super-duper good cook!
- Mmm-hmm.
- Here you go, guys.
Yeah, it looks an awful lot like Cinnabon.
Well, thank you, Brad.
What a nice thing to say.
Mmm, it tastes exactly like Cinnabon!
In fact, same shape,
same swirl, same frosting.
Now you're starting to embarrass me,
but I do appreciate the compliment.
Good morning, Sar-bear!
- Morning.
- Hey, listen, guys,
Brad and I had a talk last night
about the importance of family.
And now that everyone's here,
I wanted to say a few words, okay?
I think that would be great.
Hey, kids, you know, families can be
ever-growing and changing things.
And sometimes someone new
knocks on the door of your heart
and you're not sure if you
have room in there for one more.
But there's someone here now
that I hope you guys can learn to love.
Okay?
(WHISTLING)
- Come here, boy!
- (GROWLING)
BOTH: A doggy! Yay!
You brought a dog home?
Yeah. Is that a problem?
I mean, you seemed
really into it while I was teeing it up.
No, I thought you were talking about me.
- Oh, but you're not a dog, Brad.
- No... (SCOFFS)
Look, last night, when we talked...
Oh, yeah. Well, listen,
that's got to happen organically.
Why can't it happen now?
It just can't.
You're dirty.
SARA: Dusty, how old is that thing?
I'd guess him to be around 15.
I mean, I found him this morning,
living in a storm drain.
I named him Tumor,
because of how much he grows on you.
BOTH: Mommy, can we keep Tumor, please?
Oh, I'm gonna leave this one up to Brad.
BOTH: Please, Brad! Please!
Why is he looking at me like that?
- (GROWLING)
- He's only looking at me.
Maybe we just get a puppy instead?
A puppy, Brad? What are they
going to learn from a puppy?
An old dog like Tumor here's
been out in the world, man. Living free.
Fighting for survival and seeing things
we can only dream of.
Just look at the wisdom
in those cloudy eyes.
Besides, you know what happens
to old dogs at shelters.
He's gonna have to walk the green mile
as soon as he gets there.
No, Brad, no! Don't kill our dog!
I hate you!
Okay. Okay. Fine.
He can live out his few
remaining weeks with us.
Yay! Thanks, Brad.
I don't hate you anymore.
He's going potty!
SARA: Oh, my God.
We'll clean it up. We don't mind.
Look at that.
The dog's already
teaching them responsibility.
Hey, guys, when you got to
pick up the potty, use gloves.
- He's definitely got worms in his poo.
- (BOTH GROANING IN DISGUST)
(SIGHS)
SARA: Dusty!
Can you please move this thing?
I can't get my car out of the garage.
Hey, Brad, do you mind?
I want to grab a quick shower.
Yeah, sure, no problem.
- Hey, honey.
- Hi, sweetie.
It's blocking everything.
No, I know. I know, don't worry.
We're on top of it.
What are you doing? Brad, I don't...
Hey! Stay away from that, please.
(GRUNTS)
Honey, what are you doing?
- (ENGINE REVVING)
- (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
I don't know if that's a good idea, Brad.
Dusty!
It's vibrating up into my shoulders.
Hey, it's okay, Brad.
Look, she's a lot of bike, man.
No, I'm good. Why don't you go
back in and take that shower,
so you can get a shirt on?
Oh, you got it.
Hey, you look good on that, man.
Remember, one down, four up.
Dusty, everyone knows it's one down...
- (SCREAMING)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(CRASHING)
Did Brad just die?
I think we all need to prepare ourselves
for that possibility, pumpkin. Okay?
Brad!
Brad!
- (BRAD GROANING)
- (GASPING)
Oh, my God.
- (COUGHING)
- Brad, are you all right?
No, I'm not all right.
I'm in the wall. I'm scared.
Oh, honey.
Jeez, Brad, I thought you said
you could ride.
I can ride, okay.
Would you get a shirt on?
I think if you could ride, you wouldn't
be stuck in a wall right now, Brad.
SARA:
Yeah. I'm sorry to say it, but he's right.
You almost killed the kids!
DUSTY: Let's not beat up
on Brad here. Okay?
He was showboating for the kids
a little bit, and things got out of hand.
Let's all just be grateful
nobody got hurt. Okay?
I got hurt!
Okay, kids, listen up.
This is a good lesson
on why you never wanna lie
about your ability to do things
you clearly can't do, okay, huh?
I think my arm is stuck in the wall.
DUSTY: Brad, just stay still.
I'll get you out.
No, no, no, no, no. No, don't do anything.
And would you please
just go and get a shirt on?
Just calm down, all right?
- (SARA SCREAMING)
- (GROANING)
Hey, I'm really sorry about
what happened to your car.
Yeah, and I'm sorry about
what happened to your bike.
Oh, no damage. Not a scratch.
- Oh, not even one scratch?
- Unbelievable.
(LAUGHS) That's so good.
(ROOF THUDS)
Let's keep it going! Inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Morning, Jerry.
Got to keep it inside the cones!
No, Daddy! You're supposed
to stay in the cones!
Whoa, whoa! Inside the cones!
- Inside. Bring her in. That's better.
- (SIGHS)
Let's keep those kids safe today, okay?
Thank you, Brad.
Sorry, Doris.
It's okay. This whole drop-off line thing
can be a bit overwhelming
if you're not used to it.
Yeah, well, I've landed a chopper
in the middle of a Cuban prison riot,
Brad, I think I'm good.
(BEEPING)
Bye, guys! I love you guys so much.
Have a great day, okay?
- Bye, Daddy!
- Make sure you do all your work.
Bye, guys. Have the best day.
I love you so...
BRAD: Here's the exciting thing.
We just opened up in our 68th market,
making The Panda America's
number three smooth jazz station.
Wow.
And here it is. My, uh... My little nook.
Wow. Oh, man, I gotta admit,
this is more than I expected.
Wow.
I kind of envy you, Brad.
Oh, stop it.
Ah, it's true. I mean, you're a nice guy,
making a comfortable living,
and the most fantastic woman
in the world loves you dearly.
Really? Thanks for saying that.
I mean it. And that sacrifice
she's making for you... That's true love.
Sacrifice?
Well, sure, Brad.
You know how bad
that girl wants another baby.
She wants another baby?
For her to let that slip away
and marry a man she knew to be barren,
that's true love.
How do you know that I can't...
- Bradley.
- Yes.
Caroline says we're gonna hear some
new voice talent this a.m.?
Yes, sir, in about 15 minutes.
Okay. How'd it go
- with the ****bag ex-husband?
- Uh-uh.
You whip his ass with
that Loving Fence of yours?
(LAUGHS)
Well, actually it's interesting, Mr. Holt,
because I want you to meet Dusty Mayron.
Jesus in the morning.
She was married to him first?
Okay. Let's establish some
ground rules, pretty boy.
- Airborne?
- Huh?
Well, your lapel pin.
101st, that's one hell of a division, sir.
Oh, well, thank you, Dusty.
Are you Airborne?
Oh, no, sir, I'm afraid
I don't share that honor,
but I'm humbled to be in the
presence of anyone who does.
Airborne Division? Those guys love to fly.
Very nice to meet you, sir.
Thank you, thank you.
It's good to meet you.
My pleasure. It's an honor.
Fast friends over there. (CHUCKLES)
That's wonderful.
Come on! No way!
The whole time you're running guns
for the freedom fighters
right under the cartel's noses,
and they never suspected it was you once?
Well, I'm sure they started to suspect
once they were in a ball of fire
the size of four city blocks.
(LAUGHING)
That's great. I love that!
Holy buckets, Brad!
If this guy was my wife's ex,
I'd put a bullet in my skull.
(BOTH LAUGH)
DUSTY: Come on, Leo, cut it out.
Oh, uh... Sir, I think Barry's ready.
You're really going to like this guy.
Okay. Ready to listen.
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
All right. Mmm-hmm.
- You like him, Brad?
- I do.
I do. I mean, I think his voice
has a warm dependability
that all Panda listeners could trust.
What do you think, Duster?
(BRAD LAUGHS)
Does Dusty now work for The Panda?
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm not really into smooth jazz.
I shouldn't comment.
(SCOFFS) Nobody's into smooth jazz.
I'm into smooth jazz.
Of course you are, Brad.
So what do you think, Dusty?
I mean, it just seems a little flaccid.
I think you need a voice with some
virility and hope, that tells listeners,
"Hey! Maybe the next song
won't suck as bad as the last one."
Also, I think a strong ability
to be something like...
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
What...
What just happened?
He sang the tagline.
- Good boy, Tumor!
- (CAR HONKING)
BOTH: Daddy!
DUSTY: Hey!
Oh, perfect timing. Listen to this.
DUSTY ON RADIO: One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
- Is that you?
- Yeah!
SARA: That's you?
Why is that him?
I took him to work, and 15 minutes later
he's the new voice of The Panda.
Hey, you believe that? I record
one take at 9:30 this morning,
it's already run 11 times.
Do I really get 182 bucks
every time they play that?
Yes. Every time, yes.
Ooh! Money.
You see why I love America
even more than most people do?
Hey. What's this?
Just the handyman
I hired off Angie's List.
He's upstairs fixing the damage.
Your wife had to hire a man? For what?
Some framing, a little sheetrock repair,
some masonry and basic window glazing?
Come on, Brad.
We can bang that out tonight.
Yeah.
It's just basic sheetrock glazing
and, you know, little whatamajigs.
Get up there and
get in there and crank it out.
Dusty is pretty good with his hands.
Pretty good with my hands,
Brad, she knows.
Okay. Yeah, I'll just go
up there and I'll...
- Want me to do it? I'll tell him to screw.
- No, no, no, no.
No, no, no. That's okay.
I'll tell him,
- "Guess what, bub?"
- Tell him the men are here.
I'll say that.
I'll say, "The men are here."
- Let's do it.
- I don't want to imply to him
that he's not a man. But I'll just say,
"Hey, the boys are back in town." Right?
(HAMMERING)
Oh, hi.
I'm Brad. Uh... My wife hired you.
Nice to meet you, Brad.
I just came up here to say that you...
That, um, you should have good luck.
Thank you for your wishes of luck.
I'll be downstairs.
Well? What happened?
Oh, you know, I think it's...
He already started,
and I just think it feels wrong.
Why? Because he's black?
No. No, no.
Megan! Dylan!
- What are you doing? Huh?
- Teaching moment.
Guys, what would we call Brad
if he treated someone differently
just because of the color of their skin?
- (BOTH GASP)
- Brad's being racism?
Racist, honey. Brad is a racist.
- Honey.
- No, I mean... But not on purpose.
Is Brad a Klan person?
No. (LAUGHS)
So I'm a racist if I don't fire someone?
Well, yeah, you are.
Yeah, you are.
Sir, you're taking this all wrong.
Right. So you get one look
at the color of my skin,
and all of a sudden you're
Mr. Do It Yourself, huh?
No, not at all. Please, allow me
to pay you for your time and travel.
Don't do me any favors, Paula Deen.
(SIGHS)
I'm not a woman.
You did the right thing.
Boy, it doesn't feel that way.
Let's get cracking.
Where do you keep your tools?
I know where Brad keeps his tools.
In the credenza.
- Yeah.
- You keep your tools
- in the credenza, Brad?
- In the credenza. Mmm-hmm.
Just easier to get to.
- It's convenient.
- Yeah.
(CLATTERING)
This is a tackle box, Brad.
Are we going fishing?
No. Unless you want to go fishing.
What have you got in here?
A hammer, masking tape,
three C batteries and a tampon.
Yeah, well, a tampon's handy for...
Yeah, I know what they're handy for.
So are we not going to fix it?
Well, what do you want from me, Brad?
To buy all the gear we need
would cost more
than just hiring someone
off of Angie's List.
- (GROWLING)
- (GASPS)
And the King, he thought the Step King
seemed okay at first, a little soft, maybe,
but, heck, the Queen needed a meal ticket.
But the more the King learned about him,
the more he doubted the
Step King's ability to lead.
So the King decided
there was only one way to...
Psst... Hey. Good story?
Yeah. The King finally
came back to his castle.
But the evil Step King
wouldn't give him his crown back.
Oh, okay, yeah.
I think I've heard this story before.
Ah, it's a story as old as time, Brad.
Well, you know what? It turns out
the Step King wasn't evil at all.
He was a really good guy.
Fun at parties, great conversationalist,
affable. And he saw
that the beautiful Queen
and perfect Prince and Princess
were all alone, and he came
valiantly to their rescue.
Yeah, but wasn't the Queen sad because
the Step King couldn't give
her an heir to the throne?
Okay, you know what?
Now this is getting personal.
Hey, Brad, come on.
We're just doing fairy tales here.
All right. Well, the Queen wasn't sad,
just for the record. (STUTTERING)
The Step King was pretty sure
she was totally cool with it.
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm sure the Queen was thrilled. Right?
Right?
Yeah.
Honey,
what's the matter?
Are you still sad about
Dusty finding your tampon?
No. No, I mean,
this is a little embarrassing,
but it's just, I was...
Is there any chance
you still want another baby?
Oh, my God. What, did Dusty say something?
He's just trying to get in your head.
So it's not true then?
Okay. Maybe I did want another baby.
But it's not possible,
given what happened to your...
And I'm not blaming them. I love them.
They are my fuzzy little pals.
You don't have to say that.
They are.
I am 100% happy
with the family that I have.
The only reason I'm putting up with him is
because my kids are so happy to see him.
And I want them to have
a relationship with their father.
You know what?
I can't wait to see his face
when he figures out
how much you really do for his kids.
Yeah. I mean, I'm
involved. I'm emotionally available.
Yeah, you are.
You are darn right.
It's high time Dusty sees
how a real dad does it.
I am fired up!
(SIGHS)
Let's get some shut-eye.
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Hallelujah!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, dudes! Hey, T.J.!
Brad! Look what Dad did!
He finished the treehouse for you!
Hey, hey! B-man!
No, watch out, B!
(BRAD GROANING)
Hey, Brad. Sorry about that.
- You all right?
- (CONTINUES GROANING)
Brad, what do you think, man?
Wow. Pretty cool zipline.
You like that, huh? It's military grade.
You built all this today? With my tools?
Oh, no, you can't build a treehouse
with a tampon, Brad.
No, I had a little bit of help.
Yo, Dylan, PS4 is all hooked up.
- Thanks, Uncle Griff.
- No problem, buddy.
Uncle Griff?
Dude, I went out for a beer last night,
and who's tending bar but our man Griffy?
We get to talking and we just click.
You know what I mean?
He's a great dude, man. He really is.
I know how you feel about him,
but just give him a chance.
All right? He's having
a tough time at home,
and your firing him sure didn't help.
Well, I fired him because you made me!
- I made you?
- Yeah.
Am I in charge around here now?
Is my name on the mortgage?
Last time I checked,
you were the man of the house,
and me and Griffy were just staying here.
- He's not staying here.
- Because he's black?
No, not because of that.
Look, Griffy helped me
knock this out, all right?
So despite any prejudices
that you may or may not have...
I don't have any prejudices.
I said "may or may not."
- Well, it's may not.
- Well, that's good.
Because that's one of the ones I said.
Hey, kids, come on.
Helmets on the half-pipe.
We got to be safe around here.
Wait, half-pipe?
Look, I know it's taking up
a lot of the yard, but it's gonna make
your house the coolest place
in the neighborhood.
I got a sound system, we got
a couple Go-Pros. That's Corey
from Red Bull over there.
Hey, Corey!
You got a sponsor for my backyard?
Hey, Mr. Mayron! You want next?
Nicholas, please, it's Dusty!
And, yes, I do. Brad, watch this run.
I'm gonna dedicate this run
to my future X-Games champs,
Dylan and Megan. This is for you!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(BLOWS)
Looks like you picked
the wrong leisure activity, buddy.
(ALL CHEERING)
Thank you.
- Oh, hey, Sara.
- Hi.
Okay. Who's got next?
BRAD: I do!
Look!
(ALL GASPING)
Some cute little tricks there, Dusty.
(LAUGHS)
Really adorable.
Brad?
Hey, who'd like to see
how we used to do it
back in the empty pools of Encino,
Castaic, Irvine, Long Beach?
Santa Clarita?
Santa Cruz?
Fremont?
Honey, no, please come down.
Oh, I intend to, sister.
Come on, Brad, it hasn't been that long.
Godspeed.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (GRUNTS)
- ALL: Whoa!
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! Brad!
Oh, no, it's best not to touch him.
Wait a second.
What do you mean, don't touch him?
He's in trouble.
Look, I know he's in trouble, okay?
But if there's a problem, who
do you want to be in charge?
You?
Okay. All right, guys,
we have an emergency situation.
And what's the first thing we do? Anybody?
- You! Redhead.
- Call 911.
Close. But wrong.
First thing we do is remain calm.
Yeah, that's good advice.
The 911 operator can't understand you
if you're hysterical, okay?
So let's all take a deep breath.
In for ten...
Are you kidding me right now? Help him!
Hey, that doesn't sound calm, Sara.
Now, please, call 911
and relate to the dispatcher
- what happened calmly, okay?
- Okay, yes.
Anybody know what we do next?
Check for pulse!
Nice! My star pupil! Come on up here.
All right! Okay, two fingers on the neck,
right below the ear.
- Good. You feel a heartbeat?
- Uh-uh.
Okay, now that means that
Brad here is now clinically... Anybody?
- You, Jean Jacket!
- Dead?
Attaboy, Jean Jacket. You're a smart kid.
He is dead.
All right, so what do we do?
Come on, we're losing him here.
Give him C.P.R.?
Yes! That's my girl.
Come on up here, sweetie.
All right! All right, lock your fingers like
this and press down hard right here.
- (GRUNTING)
- Oh, great job, sweetheart.
Dusty, hurry!
Okay, I'm going to go ahead
and take this one.
Okay? Watch closely now.
If you do your
chest compressions properly,
it shouldn't take long. Clear out, guys.
(WHIRRING)
(GASPING)
- I got him! I got him!
- (COUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING)
My dad can bring people
back from the dead!
(GROANING)
Mr. Whitaker's a zombie!
(MUTTERING)
Look, I'm okay, really.
I just got a little jolt.
You got a little killed
is what you got, Brad.
We thought we lost you.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I just got tired of being
the lame stepdad.
All the kids think he's Superman.
Well, now you know how I felt.
I always had to be the bad guy mom,
giving out the carrots
and the punishments,
and he would breeze in
from God only knows where
and get to be the cool, fun dad.
Honey. Look. (SIGHS)
I'll talk to him, okay?
I'll tell him to get his stuff
and get over to the Red Roof Inn. Pronto.
Great.
(TV PLAYING)
Wait. Prince Hans is actually the bad guy?
Man, I didn't see that coming at all.
He seemed like he really loved Anna.
MEGAN: I hate Prince Hans.
Dusty.
- Hey, how you feeling, Sparky?
- (CHUCKLES)
Sparky. That's hilarious.
DUSTY: Brad, have you seen this movie?
It's unbelievable, man.
There's these two sisters,
one of them has ice powers.
Yeah, I'm familiar with Frozen.
Listen, Dusty, I need to talk to you now.
I can't talk now, Brad.
Just pause the movie!
Can you guys talk out there, please?
Griff, man. You gotta pause it, man.
No! I don't want to ruin the momentum.
He won't... Dude, if another song
comes on, you got to pause it. Okay?
Am I supposed to pause my emotions?
Just pause the song, man.
What's up? What's up?
What's going on, Brad?
- This shouldn't take long.
- Okay, good.
Listen, um, I just think
that you're being here...
Yeah. No problem.
...and now there's Griff here,
it's presenting some obstacles...
(SOBBING)
Stupid helmet!
Honey, what happened?
They pushed me off my bike again!
- I'm so sick of it!
- (CLATTERING)
I want them dead, Brad. All right?
I want their parents dead.
And if they don't have parents, I want
their primary caregivers dead.
Do you understand me?
- Okay, okay.
- He's okay.
Megan's upstairs playing with him.
I am so pissed about this.
Was it the fourth graders again?
Fourth graders?
What, you knew about this, Brad?
Yeah. Dylan asked to speak
specifically to me about it.
- Really?
- So, we role-played
some conflict resolution dialogue.
Are you being serious right now, Brad?
What you need to be teaching him
is some ass-beating resolution.
Damn straight. You got to
make a statement. Set a tone.
It's kind of a family matter over here.
No, Dusty and Griff are right.
Those little punks need
their butts whooped.
Hey, you got any Miracle Whip?
Yeah, it's behind the... (SIGHS)
Here. Hold on. Let me just get it for you.
Guys, I know we're upset right now,
but here's the thing.
Violence never solved anything.
Hey, check your history books, buddy.
Almost everything is solved by violence.
There are better ways.
Okay. Name one. Besides dialoguing.
- Name one?
- Name one!
- What do you mean, name one?
- You said you could
solve problems with
things other than fighting.
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
Well, you said you knew!
You act like you knew!
- Fine, yes!
- What?
Dancing! Dancing.
Did you... Did you just say dancing, Brad?
It's very popular in youth culture
to resolve conflict through dancing.
They step up to each other and get served
by crunking, or popping and locking.
They call each other out, they take turns,
and it is no less intense
than a classic street brawl.
But, at the end of the day, no one's hurt.
And it's a great aerobic workout.
He's flailing a bit,
but he has a good point.
There's a rich history
of dance battles in film.
- You got Breakin' 1...
- I didn't even think of this.
...Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.
One of the rare cases
where the sequel was better
- than the original.
- Much better.
You got Step Up, Stomp the Yard.
He makes a solid point.
Honey, are you telling us that we
should teach Dylan to dance?
(SIGHS) No, I'm just saying that
teaching him to fight isn't the answer.
Okay, but maybe teaching him
to fight back isn't so bad?
BRAD: Okay.
There we go. Perfect.
That's good, right there.
Yeah. A lot of protection.
All right, Dylan. You ready, buddy?
- I guess.
- Oh, you're ready.
Brad, Griff. You guys be
the fourth graders.
- I'll be Dylan.
- Okay.
All right. Hey, buddy, the first thing you
want to do is call out the biggest one.
Hey! What's the matter?
You too much of a pussy to take me on
without your little *****es to back you up?
Wow. Okay, yes.
That cut right through me, there.
I'm filled with inner shame right now.
Saying to myself,
"Gosh, maybe I'm not behaving
"100% the way I want to."
Right? Is that same page?
No. What the kid's gonna think
is, "Now I can beat your ass
"all on my own." But now
you only got one bully to contend with.
Now bullies always open up
with some shoving first.
- Watch. Brad, give me a little shove.
- All right.
(YELPS)
Whoa, I didn't connect there, did I?
No. It was really close, though.
See what I did, buddy?
I turned my body just enough
to let his weight bring him in,
then I came right down Broadway.
- I'm not gonna hit you.
- Oh.
- Okay, relax. Okay?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Bam!
- (ALL GASP)
It's called the element of surprise.
Then you start punking his ass!
You want some more of that, *****, huh?
You like that, *****?
All right. Do we really
need to use that word?
- No.
- Honey, yes.
Unfortunately, we do. I'm sorry.
You have to make him a *****.
It's a fundamental step in
destroying a bully's psyche.
Now stay down, *****!
Then you kick that kid right in the nuts!
Kick him in the nuts, Dylan!
Wait! I thought you were in my gang.
Yeah, but once Dylan tuned you up,
I switched sides.
What do you think happens
out there on the playground, Brad?
All right, now come on, buddy.
It's your turn. All right?
I'll be the fourth grader.
Can I just go inside already, please?
Hey, buddy come on, this is easy.
You can do this.
I said, no! I don't like this stuff.
I'll just stay away from them
from now on. Mom?
Okay, come here, buddy.
- Come on. It's all right.
- Brad.
Help me out here. Come on.
Hey, wait.
Pal, listen...
I know what it's like
to be afraid to go to school.
Okay? When I was your age,
this group of older kids
started picking on me.
I ran and I cried
underneath the bleachers.
They bothered me every day,
because they knew
I was too afraid to face them.
Until one day, I'd had enough.
And I socked Jesse Hubbard
right in the nose.
Really? And they left you alone?
Damn right they did.
Brad. (SOFTLY) That was good.
Come here, buddy.
Hey, I'm proud of you. All right?
Now, look at me. I want you to punch them
right in the Adam's apple. Okay?
I want you to shatter their throat.
Hold on, hold on.
I'm sorry. Look, I'm having
a pang of guilt right now.
Full disclosure. Some of the elements
of my story weren't exactly true.
Um, the incessant crying, 100% true.
The constant bullying, absolutely,
it all happened, but I, uh...
I've never punched anyone in my life.
I could have told you that.
- Then what did you do?
- Yeah, what did you do?
Well, nothing at all.
In fact, sixth grade was so rough,
I changed my name to Devin Lacecock.
Why the hell would you tell him that?
I pretended to be blind for an entire
school year, just to elicit empathy.
Which was great until
they found me intently watching
an episode of MASH.
In fact, it got so bad,
my parents had to refinance
our house to put me in private school.
Let's just do that.
Can I go to private school, please?
No, Dylan, we can't do that.
Want to know why?
Because ever since that day,
I've always run away from conflict.
In fact, if I had a dad like Dusty
when I was your age, maybe
he could have taught me
how to stand up for myself.
So, wait. You're saying,
if I don't stick up for myself now,
I'll grow up to be a huge wussy like you?
Um, yes. That is the basic
gist of what I'm saying. Yes.
Okay. Then let's do this.
DUSTY: Come on, buddy, you got this.
Give me something. Come on.
Faster, harder, meaner, stronger.
You're fast, you're good.
You're a winner. You're a champion.
They got to let you off the leash, baby.
We got a little pit bull here.
That was really nice, you guys. Good job.
It was really fun to watch
the two of you working together
like a couple of great co-dads.
Yeah.
Co-dads. That's...
That's good stuff.
You know what?
In that same spirit of unity,
I want to show my gratitude
for your inviting me
to stay here and share moments like these.
Oh, about that, Dusty.
When I pulled you over there, actually...
No, what you've done here
does not go unnoticed.
And I repay my debts.
Look, Sara, I know how much
you want another child.
I think I can help
put a baby in there for you.
- Oh, my God!
- What are you saying?
- I mean I got a guy.
- Dusty, please! You got a guy?
Yes, I got a guy. A fertility doctor.
He's a buddy of mine.
I trained him for his first Ironman.
All right? Dr. Francisco is the real deal.
- Dr. Emilio Francisco?
- You've heard of him?
Oh, my God, yeah.
He's been on Dr. Oz like 10 times.
Yeah, he's one of the top five reproductive
endocrinologists in the country.
See? People wait years
to get an appointment with this guy.
Do you really think he would see us?
- Whoa, whoa, hold on.
- I know he would.
If anybody can help you
have a baby, he can.
Mommy's going to have a baby?
Cool! Can we name it Griff?
Oh, thanks, D-man.
Look, you guys,
I don't know if this is a good idea.
What, you don't wanna name your baby
after a black person?
- Is that it?
- No!
You probably want to name it something
really white, like Connor or Gordon.
Harland, or Scot with one T. Or Brad.
No, no, Griff is a lovely name.
I'm just saying,
I don't think it's a good
idea to get our hopes up,
because, in the end,
odds are, I'm going to let you down.
Okay, honey, but what if I promise,
promise, promise not to get my hopes up?
We could just try, right? It can't hurt.
Okay, sure.
But you can't get your hopes up.
No. I won't, I won't! Thank you!
I feel like you've already
gotten your hopes up.
- Where are you going?
- Nowhere!
- You calling your mother?
- No!
Okay, yes, but it's about something else.
It's not about something else.
Damn it, Brad, he set you up.
He used this fancy doctor
to get your wife back on the baby train.
When those test results come back
and prove that you can't give her a baby,
guess who's gonna be waiting
there cocked and loaded?
Well, I trust my wife, so we really don't
need to keep talking about it, okay?
Let me tell you a little story, Brad.
When Jeneane, my fourth, and I
were returning from our honeymoon,
she told me that
she had a 23-year-old kid.
Brazilian boy.
Said she had him real young.
So he moves in with us.
Doesn't speak a lick of English.
There are the usual tensions.
I try to assert my authority.
"Andreas, get your feet
off the furniture."
"Andreas, you're too old
to sleep in bed with Mommy."
"Andreas, you got to stay off the 'roids."
And he'd get mad,
and hit me with a car antenna.
Eh... Maybe that's the way kids are.
No. Not really.
So I adopt him,
help him get his citizenship.
The second the papers come through,
guess what happens?
I already know.
Bam! They shack up together in Barstow.
It turns out Andreas
- is her boyfriend, Brad.
- Mmm-hmm.
I did not see it coming.
I actually did, about one,
two words into your story.
The moral of this fable is,
it's good to know when you're beaten.
- You know I think the world of you, Brad.
- Thank you.
But if I'm being completely honest,
even I'm rooting for Dusty.
He's just so damn likeable.
You know, it's getting kind of late.
Shouldn't we just get back to work?
Okay, you win.
So where are we on The Panda Jam
numbers for next summer?
London, you still on the conference call?
Dusty Mayron, you crazy hijo de puta!
- (LAUGHS) Hey, what's up, Doc?
- (EXCLAIMING)
You look great, man. You still
rocking those Ironmans, huh?
Yeah, bro.
I just finished Brazil in 11:40.
- That's unbelievable.
- Yeah. Well, come on.
Ain't nothing on you, man.
Hey, my first race,
I'm limping across the finish line
when this ******* laps me.
I mean, come on, who wins an Ironman,
then decides to go around again?
Who does that?
It sounds exhausting.
Hey, I'm Dr. Francisco. You must be Sara.
Hi. (LAUGHS)
Dusty, you were not lying
about this one. Very nice.
And you weren't lying
about this one either.
You must be Chief Glowing Sack.
What? (LAUGHS)
Hey, come on,
I'm just lighting you up, man.
Come on, little hug.
Okay, come on back, y'all.
Let's take a look.
All right. So let's run it down.
I think we can safely say that your issue
has nothing to do with X-rays.
You know what, sweetheart, come here.
Let's see that pretty little hand.
Okay. Now put it right in here.
- Oh!
- Okay, you feel that?
- Yeah.
- Okay, that is not how you want
testicles to be shaped.
Really? It feels like all the other...
Hi.
Well, it cuts off blood flow, okay?
Limits potency.
You want them to...
You know what? Actually...
- Hey, Dusty!
- Hey.
- Why is he coming in here?
- Little help in here, please.
Oh, come on. You gotta put me
through this every time?
- Come on. Be a sport.
- All right.
Oh, my God! What are you doing?
Is this even ethical?
(GASPS) James and the Giant Peach.
(GULPS)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
It's okay, I gulp every time.
You see, this... This is what you want.
Plump and bulbous.
Glassy smooth, like
two Patrick Stewarts,
you know what I mean?
Don't embarrass me in front
of Sara like this anymore, okay?
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, sorry, bro.
So, ready to milk the cow,
see if we even got a sliver of hope here?
Hey, Dusty, come on, buddy. Want to
try to break your own record?
Oh, no, I'm good.
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, come on, man.
I'm doing you a favor here.
Give me something to brag
about at the next symposium.
All right, fine. You want to break
the record, I gotta break the record.
(LAUGHS) Yeah. Kid came to play.
Should I grab a big cup, too?
What? Stop screwing around.
Come on. We're burning daylight here.
(DOOR OPENS)
(WOMEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
(SIGHS)
(ALL GASPING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hello. Quick question.
How difficult would it be
for someone to whip up
a batch of your Cinnabons?
Would you need restaurant-grade ovens?
Bradsky. Could you
pass this along to Dusty?
It's his first resids check.
Disclaimer. It's more than you make.
- Don't get worried about it.
- How much more than...
Oh, and tell him, 8:30 sharp at my house.
He doesn't need to bring anything.
All right, buddy?
I've never been to your house.
No, you haven't.
SARA: Oh, my God, my hair, it looks awful.
Doesn't Mommy's hair look pretty?
- No. Next slide, please.
- DUSTY: Oh, okay.
- Slides. Fun.
- DUSTY: Aw...
Cool. You guys climbed that?
Yuck. Why are you guys kissing
in every single picture?
Oh, Mommy used to kiss Daddy a lot.
SARA: Married people kiss a lot.
DUSTY: Ready?
Wow, China.
I loved it there.
Dylan, you were created right
there on that wall, buddy.
- Really?
- Dusty, that's enough.
- DUSTY: Okay, next slide.
- (SARA LAUGHS)
That's where your mom and I met,
doing The King and I in summer stock.
SARA: God, that costume was so tight.
(LAUGHS)
Next slide, please.
Oh, my God.
- MEGAN: Is that baby me?
- SARA: Mmm-hmm.
All right, you guys, let's,
um, get ready for bed.
- Okay?
- DUSTY: It's story time, Mayron family!
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
MEGAN: We don't have to wait
for Mr. Whitaker, do we?
I really don't like you,
but that **** is heartbreaking.
(DOOR CLOSING)
MEGAN: Yay! Griff's home!
So the King raised his mighty sword
and rained steel down upon the Step King.
But the Step King
blocked it with his shield.
And swung his cat o'nine tails
into the King's smug face.
Which the King easily brushed aside
like the feather of a gull.
And then the King did counter
with a barrage of slashes
and thrusts so fast and precise
that the Step King had no way to parry.
BOTH: Yay!
But he did. He did.
He parried all of them.
- Easily. It was no big deal.
- BOTH: Aw.
Then he grabbed the King's
sword right out of his hand
and smashed it over his knee.
BOTH: Boo!
That's when the King pulled out
a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!
Which is completely anachronistic.
So if we're doing any time period,
then the Step King just happened to be
wearing Kevlar body armor.
- Concussion grenade!
- Hand grenade.
- Rocket launcher.
- Missile launcher.
- Air strike.
- Nuclear strike.
- Black hole.
- God.
We know what this comes down to.
The Step King was very upset
because when the real King
pulled out his sword,
it was long and shiny,
and the Step King
did shudder at the size of it.
And while the Step King acknowledged
that the King carried a mighty,
beautifully engraved broadsword,
all the maidens in the land
preferred the more average-sized
Step King's sword because
it knew how to listen.
- (SCOFFS)
- And the King needs to realize
he's a guest in his castle
and he better mind his P's and Q's
because the Step King
has had it up to here
with the King's bull****!
Brad said a naughty word.
Kids, I'm so sorry you had to hear
that inappropriate language.
Make sure you tell your mother.
Brad, can I talk to you
in the hall, please?
(SIGHS)
Brad, what just happened in there, man?
(WHISPERING) Look, the Step King
should not have
used inappropriate language in front of
the Prince and Princess, he admits that.
Why are you still saying it
like that, Brad?
We're out in the hall.
I don't know. I'm upset.
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- Hold on.
Oh-ho-ho! Hello?
Yeah, Brad's here, he's doing good.
Hey, it's Dr. Francisco.
He wants us all to come in tomorrow.
9:30 work for you?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Yeah,
we'll see you then.
All right, bud. Come on, man.
The doctor will be with you in a moment.
ALL: Thank you.
(SARA GRUNTING)
Hey, Brad, whatever happens
here, I just want you to know
that I'm proud of you for doing your best.
- Okay?
- Thank you.
Hello, hello. Okay.
I'm going to cut right to the chase.
Sara, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
Oh, God. That is a tough break. I'm sorry.
Damn, that is a real shame.
My heart is melting.
Yeah, it's a real shame, Sara.
A real shame that
you're gonna have to put up
with Brad here pounding away on you
over and over,
now that he's got a fighting chance
of getting you pregnant.
- (GASPING)
- What? Oh, my God!
- Holy moly!
- Oh, my God.
Hey, Doc, Doc, don't give them
a false sense of hope.
Remember what you said about
the blood flow and the screwy 'nads?
Yeah, well, Brad has you
to thank for that, Dusty.
Okay, in lab rats,
whenever another alpha male
comes around, it can spike testosterone,
driving up sperm counts.
Now, no guarantees, okay?
But with my help, Brad,
I think you got enough left in the tank
to make it all the way to baby town.
That's so wonderful. Thank you.
- BOTH: Thank you so much.
- Of course.
- Can we give you a hug?
- Oh, yeah. Come on in.
BRAD: Oh, my gosh.
- Did not expect this.
- Mmm...
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
You virile sea snake, you.
- I underestimated you, Brad.
- Yes, you did.
I can finally give Sara everything,
and it feels good.
Now, listen, this is what you need to do.
You need to go and pee outside
the room that Dusty sleeps in.
He's gonna smell your urine and know that
your virility is not to be taken lightly.
It's good advice.
I did it last year in the lobby.
Oh, I remember. It was a health hazard.
It scared the FedEx guy.
No, I'm going to take
the high road on this one.
Okay, fine, take the high road.
But jam a baby up in there
as quickly as you can, Brad.
Because, in the end, if Sara
does choose Dusty over you,
he has to be stepdad to your baby.
- How beautiful is that?
- (LAUGHS)
Come on, five it.
No. You know, it feels strange
to high-five over the custody
of my unborn child.
I've been on Dusty's team.
I'm trying to jump over
to the winning team Brad.
- Get on this.
- I'd really rather not.
I'm trying to share a moment
with you here. Please five me.
It feels... No, thanks.
- Got it!
- Wait. No.
- Sweet.
- It didn't count.
I love you, Brad.
It's not a binding high-five.
Fat beans in there.
- Dusty?
- Brad.
What can I do for you?
Oh, wow, that's some impressive up-downs.
Look, uh,
what you did for Sara and me,
that's a life-changer, and
I just wanted to say thank you.
And I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?
Well, here's the thing.
I mean, you show up,
here's this guy who's cool and exciting.
I guess I felt a little competitive, and
slightly insecure, and I start thinking,
well, maybe you want to challenge me.
But today you proved that
all you really care about
is our family's happiness.
Oh, man.
I'm humbled.
I mean it. And you know what?
You're right. I was challenging you, Brad.
- Yeah?
- The truth?
I see this new man in my kids' life.
He's kind and caring and successful,
and I don't even want to like you.
But I can't help it. I like you, Brad.
Really?
I was determined to push you out
and get my family back.
I was underhanded
and disingenuous about it.
I feel like a monster.
No. No, no, no.
(SIGHS)
At the risk of being disrespectful,
I want you to shut your mouth.
You are allowed
to have those feelings. Okay?
Heck, we're talking about
your own children here, for cripes' sake.
Clean slate?
Absolutely.
Come here.
(SIGHS)
You know what's funny?
You're not even sweating,
after doing all those push-ups.
That's exemplary.
(SIGHS)
Thank you, Dusty.
Thank you, Brad.
Oh, uh...
You know, all that stuff about pushing
me out and taking over my family,
I mean, we're through all that, right?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm here to defeat you
and take back my family.
That can't change.
But now I'll follow your noble example
and do it above board.
Honestly. Like a man. Like you.
But we just hugged. You said you like me.
Oh, I do like you, Brad, very much.
It doesn't make this any easier.
You know I'm gonna have to tell Sara
what you said in here today.
Of course.
It would be irresponsible not to.
She's not gonna like it.
She's gonna want you out.
You're right about that, Brad.
What the hell are you up to?
I just told you what I'm up to.
My head is spinning right now.
Hey, you got any sweet potatoes? Or yams?
Sweet potatoes or yams?
Griff, you know we have yams, all right?
You made me buy them for you.
I wanted to respect
your house by asking you
before I got them.
I didn't want to just go grab yams.
Okay, I appreciate that.
I'm dealing with something.
- Just go get the yams.
- All right.
Here's the thing. You're right, Dusty.
Yeah. I'm not going to tell Sara.
But I'm gonna prove to you
that I'm the best.
You can eat my dust, Dusty.
Christmas already?
Why didn't anybody tell me?
It's not. It's the middle of April.
- Daddy must have done this!
- BRAD: Ho, ho, ho, ho!
No, he didn't. (LAUGHS)
- Brad.
- Ho, ho!
Claus is the name.
Santa Claus, if you please.
But this Brad you speak of called me
all the way up at the North Pole.
He said his children were so sad because
their biological father had missed so many
Christmases and birthdays
and special family holidays,
so he asked me
to come here today so that Dusty
could experience one Christmas
with his kids before he leaves again.
Probably for a long, long time.
Ho, ho, ho!
Can we open presents?
You sure can, little girl.
I think they're from Brad.
In fact, all the presents are from Brad.
Let's see if any of the
presents are from Dusty.
Nope. Not one present from Dusty.
All from Brad.
Hey, kids, let's not forget
who got you a dog. Remember?
Hey, Tumor, quit humping Mrs. Claus!
(GROWLING)
Okay, I am officially worried about you.
Don't worry, Claus hasn't forgotten you.
Huh?
- For me?
- Yeah.
(GASPS)
Oh, my God, honey, it's beautiful.
I love it.
Wait, no! No! No, no. It's too much.
(TUMOR BARKS)
Oh, no, it looks like Tumor's
given away Megan's big gift.
(SCREAMING JOYFULLY)
A pony! A pony! A pony!
I know, it's a pony!
- Ho, ho, ho!
- (CONTINUES SCREAMING)
It's a pony, Dusty! A pony!
Can we name her Princess Elsa?
You can name him whatever you want,
because it's yours!
Brad, how can we afford a pony?
Where are we even going to put that thing?
I can clear out some stable
space in the garage.
Look, it's only half a horse.
Okay? Think of it like
a big dog, only a lot better.
Oh, what's this? What the heck?
It's tickets to tonight's
NBA playoff game...
- What?
- ...against Dylan's favorite team,
the Los Angeles Lakers?
Oh, thanks, Brad! You're the coolest!
I love you, Brad!
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Merry Christmas, Whitaker family!
GRIFF: Christmas?
How long was I asleep for?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
- You guys got enough candy?
- Yeah!
Remember, you can have anything
you want, 'cause it's Christmas!
No, it isn't. It's not Christmas, kids.
- BRAD: All right. Here we are.
- Oh, sick! We're this close?
Yeah. Pretty good, right?
Megan, you sit down right there.
Perfect. Dylan, you sit next to me.
And, Dusty, I'm so sorry. Yeah.
I could only get four in a row.
I couldn't get five.
So you're across the aisle,
next to that gentleman.
All right, guys, I'll be right here.
- We can still chat.
- Bye, Daddy.
Look, there's Kobe! It's him!
He's right there.
Thank you, Brad, this is the best present
I've ever gotten.
- You are so welcome.
- In my whole life.
I'm glad to hear it's the
best present you've ever got!
How much did these seats cost?
Not too much.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give a big welcome
to all the kids from Hearts of Courage.
Whoo! Hearts of Courage kids!
Proud of you, you're all miracles!
Whoo! I love kids!
All right, honey. That's plenty.
I just get excited
when I'm with my family!
Dusty! Dusty Mayron!
- Marco? Hey!
- (MARCO LAUGHS)
What's up, man? Are you coaching now?
Yeah, I'm the new strength
and conditioning coach.
- Oh, man.
- Check you out.
Hey, I played ball with him in Italy.
This is my family. My little guy, Dylan.
He's the biggest Kobe fan in the world.
Really? Well, come on down.
I'll introduce you.
- What?
- What? You hear that?
You want to meet Kobe?
MARCO: Bring the whole family down.
You guys can sit with the team.
Hey, this is my little girl, Megan.
She just invited me to her first
Daddy-Daughter Dance.
- So sweet.
- What did he just say?
What the hell did he just say?
Oh, sorry. He's okay.
No, I'm not okay. He's not okay.
- Honey, you need to calm down.
- No! I'm not gonna calm down.
She asked me first!
And now she's asking him?
No. It's not fair.
You know what, actually, it's very fair.
Okay? She has two dads.
She wants you both there.
You just have to accept that.
No, I'm not going to accept it. All right?
I do pick-up! I do drop-off!
Okay, I volunteer at school!
I listen to the tantrums and the crying
and the soundtrack of Frozen
that's on a goddamn loop all the time!
And he just waltzes in for a few days,
and now he gets to go as well? No!
No, she's got to choose.
It's either me or him!
- Megan, you got to choose!
- (SARA SHUSHING)
- You got to choose!
- SARA: Hey!
It's the biggest decision of your life!
Hey!
You know what? I'm going to pretend
you're not acting like a crazy person,
because I know you're very upset.
But you need to get over yourself. Okay?
Now go down there and
be happy with your kids.
No! A scalper gouged me 18 grand
for these seats. I'm not leaving them!
What?
- (STAMMERING)
- What did you just say?
Yeah. Nothing. Let's just... You're right.
(SIGHS) I'm so much more relaxed now.
Thank you.
Yeah. Let's just go down... Let's just...
No!
I think you should sit
in your $18,000 seats,
and think of all the better ways
your family could have used that money.
Sara.
The guy from the nuclear sub thing?
- Mayron! That's him.
- That's the guy?
Can I get some beers down here?
Can I get five beers?
Excuse me, some beers!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHEERING)
THE WHIP: What's up, everybody?
Let's make some noise!
Whoo-hoo!
Tonight, one lucky fan is going to
get a chance to shoot from half court
to win a family vacation to Disney World!
(ALL CHEERING)
And our lucky fan is sitting in
section 113,
row 6,
C-1. Where is he?
Let's see it. Where is he?
It's me. It's me, I win!
- There he is.
- I win.
I'm-a make it to Disneyland.
I'm-a make it all right.
- All right, Brad!
- Yay, Brad!
Yay, Brad!
All right, sir, how you doing?
What's your name?
First off, I love my kids.
He loves his kids! Let's give it up!
And if anyone was ever
to do anything to them,
- I would hurt them.
- Okay.
I would freakin' hurt them!
THE WHIP: Okay.
This guy over here is trying to take them!
Trying to steal my family.
He doesn't sweat!
Okay, you know what?
Why don't we just shoot...
But I got news for you, buddy!
Last night, while you were sleeping,
I made love to our wife!
- Okay.
- My wife!
BRAD: Sara, right over there!
Took my wiener out of my pants!
This is a family event, okay?
- Boo! Boo!
- All right.
So,
even if Sara does pick you,
you're going to have to be
the stepdad to my kid!
You see how you like it! Okay?
THE WHIP: Let's get somebody else
down here, all right? Somebody else...
Somebody else is going to win
a family trip!
Give me that ball, you.
This one's for Dylan and Megan
and Sara and Dylan.
Nothing but net.
THE WHIP: All right, he's going for it!
Nothing but net!
(GRUNTS)
- (GROANING)
- (ALL GASPING)
Do-over!
- That's a do-over!
- No do-over. No.
It's a do-over!
- (GROANS)
- (ALL GASPING)
(BRAD THUDDING)
(ALL APPLAUDING)
THE WHIP: I'm so sorry
you had to see that. I'm so sorry.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
SARA: Hey, kids, why don't you go inside
and put on your pajamas?
- What are you doing?
- I'm comforting you.
Sara, look... Sorry, too soon. I know.
But I just want you to know
that I'm here for you and the kids.
Oh, really? You want to be
a real parent now? Is that what this is?
Absolutely. I'm here now.
Dusty, I'm working crazy hours this week.
With Brad gone, the kids
are gonna have to be dropped off,
picked up, taken to swimming lessons.
Dylan has a play date with Eli on Tuesday,
and Megan has a dentist
appointment on Friday.
Sara, I know in the past
I've been unreliable,
but this is a new me. All right?
This is the new Dusty.
Well, you can't take them
to school on a motorcycle.
- You need a car.
- Done.
Okay.
Hey! You're not staying here!
Are you sure you don't need
company right now?
I mean, you're going through
a tough transition here.
Be here at 6:30 tomorrow morning.
Well, can I at least
come in and get my stuff?
No!
DUSTY: I'm gonna wait for a while,
in case you change your mind.
(SIGHS)
Hey.
Oh...
What did you throw Griff out for?
- This place is chaotic.
- (SCOFFS)
There's always some bull****
going on in that house.
God, man. Want to go to the Red Roof Inn?
Let's do it.
Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
(MUFFLED) Yes, sir.
DORIS: Okay. No running!
All right. Lindsey! Sloane!
Car's open right down there!
Okay, sir, inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Keep it inside...
That's right! Thank you.
(CAR ENGINE REVVING)
Hi. I see you've been picking up
Megan and Dylan these past few days.
Should I expect you from now on?
Um, yeah, I'm their real dad,
so yeah, from now on.
Terrific. I see that you also haven't
signed up to volunteer in the lane.
Brad was so good about
helping us out in the lane,
in the classroom, PTA, and so forth.
We could always count on him
for bake sales, Spring Sing,
costumes for Winter Pageant.
You know the drill.
I hope I can count on you
to be the new Brad.
Ah, sure, yeah. You can count on me.
I mean, I'm their real dad,
so, yeah, I'll be here every day.
Great. So, if your kids aren't out here,
I'm gonna need you to circle around
to the back of the line. Okay?
- No, I can't go around.
- Thanks.
I came ten minutes early
so I don't have to...
If your kids aren't here,
you have to go around!
I know. There's somebody
in front of me. Okay?
Just go around!
I can't just go over the
cones! I'm boxed in here!
- Go around!
- No, you can't! Okay?
She said stay in the cone, like ice cream!
- (HONKING)
- Go around!
DORIS: Inside the cones!
Amanda has got a recital!
I have to get there! You need to go!
(HORN HONKING CONTINUES)
(REVVING ENGINE)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
- DORIS: Hey!
We always stay inside the cones!
Cones! (GRUNTING)
Cones! Come on!
(MR. HOLT SIGHING)
Have you been living here
for the last few days, Brad?
No.
Then what's with the blankets
and the hot plate
and the B.O.?
I crapped in the wastebasket.
You know, Brad, two years
into my thing with Charlene,
her first husband showed up.
Oriental fellow.
You can't say that.
You cannot say "Oriental."
His name was Yu or Wu.
It could have been Javier.
Anyway, I get off early one day,
get home, and
there he is, stark naked in our bed.
I didn't know what to think.
Really? You didn't know what to think?
Six months later,
I wake up in a Chinese prison
with a tattoo on my lower back
of a golf ball rolling towards my butthole.
I can't hear these stories anymore.
I'm sorry. I know they're
supposed to help...
Griff! What are you doing here?
Thought you should know
Dusty came by the bar earlier.
He was talking about how
he can't do the daddy thing.
I tried to talk some sense into him, but
he seemed determined to get out of town.
What, he's leaving?
I don't think I have to tell you,
but little Megan's dance is tonight,
and she's not going to have a daddy.
That's fantastic. Brad, you win.
And Dusty, because of
an act of cowardice, loses.
I mean, you're the daddy again.
Come on, hit that.
(SIGHS)
No, I'm not her daddy.
I wish more than anything I was,
but I'm not.
Yeah, you're right, Brad. A real dad
wouldn't give up on his kids so easy.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Griff!
Wait!
He's still in the room, Brad.
Oh, hey.
Sorry. I thought you stormed out.
What you said sounded like a storm-out,
and then I heard the door close.
I just thought that ****
was getting kind of personal,
so it'd be good to close the door.
So extremely thoughtful. Thank you. Yeah.
And just so you know where my head was at,
I was going to chase you
down the hallway. Right?
You'd hear my footsteps and you're like,
"Is someone after... What's going on?"
Boom! It's me, and I'm like, "Griff, hey!
"You were right."
Holy ****! That would be so uplifting.
Can we do that?
Griff, can you storm out, and Brad,
you go after him?
I don't really want any part of that.
That sounds like pure nonsense to me.
I don't want... I'd rather not.
We could just try it, you know?
No, that sounds forced and weird to try to
recreate something. Not even recreate.
It would be creating. It didn't happen.
It's over-discussed at this point.
Shouldn't you go see your kid?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.
You guys go. Brad, can I come?
No.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Daddy's not coming, is he?
Oh, honey, he'll be here. He promised.
I see cupcakes over there.
I think you should go eat some. Go on.
Go eat a lot of sugar.
(VIBRATING)
Dusty.
- Nope.
- Come on, Dusty.
Where are you going?
I'd pay a billion dollars
to take her to that dance.
- You're just gonna leave?
- You take her then.
I can't take her. Okay?
I'm not welcome after I said
I was gonna put a spite baby
in her mother.
- I guess that's out, then.
- Yeah, that is out.
- So it's gotta be you.
- (SIGHS)
I'm sorry, Brad,
I just can't do it, all right?
What do you mean, you can't do it?
I can't stay inside the cones.
Look, Dusty, the cones are
there for everyone's safety.
- It's not about the cones.
- You just said it was.
The cones are a metaphor, Brad.
I'm not the domestic type, okay?
Dusty, come on.
What are you talking about?
You're organized, you're handy.
You make the best cinnamon rolls
I have ever tasted.
Those were Cinnabons, Brad. Come on.
You can't make rolls like that
in a conventional oven.
I knew it! I knew it.
I knew it from the beginning!
So you've been telling
some tall tales, huh?
- All that Special Ops stuff.
- No, just the Cinnabons!
Why would you lie about Cinnabons?
'Cause I wanted to win. All right?
I wanted to prove that
I was a good dad, too, but I'm not.
Okay? Are you happy?
Is that what you want to hear?
All the noise and the mess
and all the choices.
You do one thing wrong,
you can screw them up for life.
- Do you realize that?
- Yeah.
Dads have to make a lot of choices, okay?
And we blow most of them.
Yeah, and the other parents.
That kid, Eli. I was over there
for a play date. You know about this?
You can't just ride your bike
over to a friend's house,
to play Hot Wheels anymore,
now you got to make some kind of date?
- I know, it's a shame.
- Well, I'm over there,
and the kid's dad keeps
asking me if Dylan's gonna be
in the gifted program with Eli.
Like Dylan isn't as smart as
his little ball-scratcher kid.
I wanted to murder that smug prick.
Dusty, look, I hate that guy, too, okay?
But his son is Dylan's best friend,
so you suck it up.
(STUTTERING) I mean, that's most of
what dads do, is take ****.
I mean, that's what we do.
I can't do it, Brad.
I can't take **** like you do.
You take **** better than
anyone I've ever met,
and I mean that as a compliment
from the bottom of my heart.
- Thank you.
- But I'm sorry, Brad. I can't.
I can't do it, man.
You made a promise to Megan,
and you're gonna keep it.
Ow!
(GROANING)
Did you just punch me in the face, Brad?
Ow, yes.
Knowing full well I got no choice
but to bust you up now?
I really wish you wouldn't.
If I did, you'd take that beatdown
for those kids, wouldn't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I would.
- Come on.
- Good luck, Dusty.
What? No, no, you gotta come.
It's just... I can't see Sara
after what I said.
Sara loves you, Brad. All right?
I know just what to say to her.
You just stand there
and look lost without her.
- I am lost without her.
- Well, that's good. Then let's go.
- But I look terrible.
- Yeah, you do. Come here.
- What are you doing?
- I'm fixing you up, man.
Dusty, get your hands out of my pants.
Calm down. Think I want to
touch your little dinky?
I'm trying to fix you up.
All right. Let me see.
Wow. I look great.
Here you go.
- That's incredible.
- Come on.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
SARA: Hey, pumpkin.
Daddy wanted to be here,
I know he did. He just gets...
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Uh-oh.
She's doing her arms-folded thing.
You said she'd smile.
Maybe even start a slow clap.
Don't worry, I got this. Okay? Come on.
Oh, hey, look, it's the guy that
stranded his kids at school.
And look who he's with.
Did you get anybody pregnant
on your way over here, Brad?
No, I didn't.
- DUSTY: Sara, listen...
- No!
- Sara, please.
- No. I am not going to listen to you.
You know what? Your daughter's been
sitting there for two hours, heartbroken.
Sara, I am so sorry...
Oh, just, please. Will one of you idiots
just ask your daughter to dance?
- Really?
- SARA: Yes.
Neither one of you deserves her, but yes.
- Go ahead, Dusty.
- No, you take the first one.
You've earned it more than I have.
Dusty, please, she's your daughter.
What the hell did I miss?
I'll tell you what. I'll vouch for you
to the kids and I'll take the first dance.
I'll say my good-byes,
and then I'll get out of your hair.
Wait, wait. When you say
"get out of your hair,"
you mean leave, like leave-leave? Tonight?
Daddy! Brad! The fourth graders are here.
They're picking on Dylan again.
That's it.
Those little ****heads are dead.
Where are they?
DUSTY: Those are the fourth graders?
- They're girls.
- Uh-huh. They're so mean.
Why are you even here at
the Daddy-Daughter Dance?
Are you a daughter? Are you a girl?
Are you too scared to take me on
without your little friends?
- Oh, no, he's calling out the big one.
- Oh-oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
Come on!
Dylan!
- (ALL GASP)
- Yes!
- Dylan, what are you doing?
- Did you see? Did you see?
I punched her in the face,
just like you taught me.
- What?
- And then I kicked her right in the nuts.
You like that, *****? Huh?
- No, no, no!
- You want some more, *****?
Sweetheart, what happened?
What's going on here?
He punched me in the face.
Then he kicked me in the swimsuit area.
Then he called me the "B" word.
Who did, him?
He did. I saw it.
He said they taught him to hit girls.
No, no. We thought
your daughter was a boy.
- What?
- No, what he means is that
Dylan told us that a fourth grader
was picking on him,
but he didn't tell us it was a girl.
Yeah, and if you had, we'd have told you
it's never okay to hit a girl.
And that she's probably only bugging you
because she likes you, buddy.
I do not like him.
Oh, I think she likes him.
Ah, gross, whatever.
She totally does.
Are you calling my daughter a whore?
- What?
- They were implying it, Jerry.
Wait. That's quite a stretch.
Mrs. Troy, please. I got this.
Wait, first of all, which one
of you two is the kid's dad?
They both are.
(GASPS)
Oh, my gosh. Wow!
I'm sorry. That's the first time
he's ever referred to me as Dad.
It's something I've wanted to hear
for a long time, so it's a bit poignant.
I tend to cry a lot
when things get emotional.
They tease me all the time.
- I'm actually the stepdad.
- Oh, is that right?
So you're the real dad, huh!
Hey. You don't want to
embarrass yourself, buddy.
You threatening me now, tough guy?
- He's threatening you, Jerry.
- Nobody's threatening anybody.
But you're gonna want to
back that up, Jerry.
And you, Squidward tie.
Quit being an instigator,
or I'm gonna have to rap you in the mouth.
(YELPS)
Hey, hey, hey. Everyone just calm down.
We're at the Daddy-Daughter Dance.
You stay out of it, all right?
You don't count!
I want to talk to the real dad here.
Hey, Brad here is more of
a real dad than any of us.
You ever want to see how you should be
raising your kids, go look at this guy.
Here I go again. What did I tell you?
- Really? You mean that?
- Yes, I do, Brad.
You're a great dad.
(ALL GASPING)
- Like that?
- You shouldn't have done that.
Yeah? Why?
I'm pretty sure he kills people for a job.
He's been rather vague with me,
but that's what I'm kind of surmising.
- Are we gonna do this?
- DUSTY: Oh, we're gonna do it.
- Okay. You ready?
- DUSTY: Yeah, I'm ready.
- This is what you get.
- MEGAN: Daddy.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Want another one? Come on in.
What's going on?
Is this like some UFC ****?
DUSTY: Come on, Brad.
That's right. It's a dance, Jerry.
Yeah. So dance, Jerry!
Yeah! You just got served, Jerry!
You just got a piping hot serving.
I'm not getting served.
You're getting served!
You don't know this about me, Jerry,
but I like to move my body.
Get it, Brad!
(ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
Yeah! Yeah, Brad!
This is a dance! Let's go!
(ALL CHEERING)
(LAUGHING)
Am I the only one with my shirt off?
You know you can't leave, right?
You want me to stay?
These guys are growing up so fast.
You don't want to miss it.
You're sweating profusely.
- I know. I sweat a lot.
- That's cool.
Thank you.
BRAD: So Dusty did stay.
And with the huge amount of money
he was making as the voice of The Panda,
he built his own new castle
right down the street.
Hey!
But we kept Tumor because he didn't
get along with Dusty's new puppy.
(WHIMPERING)
It turns out Tumor was only five...
- (TUMOR GROWLING)
- ...so we're going to have him
for a long, long time.
- BRAD: Tumor!
- (DOORBELL RINGING)
And I was more than a little surprised
when Dusty showed up one day
with his new wife
and his new stepdaughter.
This is my stepdaughter, Adriana.
- Hey, Adriana. I'm Brad.
- Want to go play?
That's your brother and sister.
You guys play nice, okay?
Hey, hon. Who's at the door?
Oh, hey, Sara. This is my wife, Karen.
Oh, is it... Your wife?
SARA: That Karen, wow, she is so great.
It turns out she's
a doctor and a celebrated
novelist. I mean...
Hon, would you...
- Come here, Griff. Come here, Griff. Oh!
- KAREN: He's so cute.
SARA: And I was so surprised when
I found out that we're the same age.
I mean, she looks so young, right?
Good for her!
Honey, you look amazing tonight.
(LAUGHS) What are you talking about?
It's just my normal clothes.
That's how I look.
I just got ready really fast.
Hey, Griff. Hey, little Griffy.
You want to come to Daddy?
What, you think I'm going to
pick his pockets or something?
- BRAD: No.
- He doesn't carry a wallet.
Oh, sweetie, be careful
with that knife, okay?
You're not my dad.
DUSTY: Brad was right.
Being a stepdad isn't always easy.
But he was also right that it's worth it.
And he was right about the Ford Flex, too.
It's a great family car.
Got plenty of room for the kids,
gear, and plenty of pickup for me.
I got the Weekender package.
A few more bells and whistles than Brad's,
but Brad doesn't need to know that.
(MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING)
(GASPS) Daddy!
Sweetie, I've been waiting for you to...
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
I heard a gulp.
DUSTY: (STAMMERS)
Well, a little bit, maybe.
- BRAD: Sure.
- There you are.
BRAD: He's a lot bigger than you.
He's got legs for arms.
Little star, guess what?
I like him. I like him a lot.
Yeah. I bet you he's
going to like us, too.
- BRAD: Remember, Loving Fence.
- DUSTY: Yeah.
BRAD: Just go say hi.
Yeah, look, I got this, buddy. Watch.
Hey. You must be Roger.
Nope.
(TUNING RADIO)
DUSTY: (SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
JASON SINCLAIR: Caught Kenny G.
At the United Center this weekend.
Man, can that guy put on a show.
20,000 people on their feet
for the entire four hours.
You're listening to Jason Sinclair.
This is The Panda.BRAD: Here's a question for you.
What do kids need more? A father or a dad?
What's the difference?
The way I see it, darn near
anyone can be a father...
(ROARING)
...but not everyone has the patience
or the devotion to be a dad.
As for me...
Anybody caught a Monarch yet?
...I've always wanted to be a dad.
Let me tell you, I love it!
Yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
And I love my Ford Flex.
It treats me to a smooth ride,
and you know what?
It didn't break the bank.
Room enough for the whole family.
Yes, I love being a dad.
And I love these two adorable
little rays of sunshine.
Hey, Dylan! Good morning.
Whatever.
BRAD: Okay. I'm not their real dad.
Good morning, Mr. Whitaker.
- I'm their stepdad.
- Good morning, Megan.
Can you please put this on the fridge?
Well, sure. Did you do
another drawing of our family?
- Uh-huh.
- Huh?
That's me and Dylan and Mommy.
So great.
And over here, far, far away,
is you.
Oh? And am I wearing a baseball cap?
That's the knife in your head
'cause I was killing you in the eye.
Oh, I see.
Well, I love how you drew my hair.
That's poop.
Well, it's well-drawn.
And I'm guessing it's dog poop?
That's homeless man poop.
Oh.
All right. (SIGHING)
BRAD: I actually can't
father my own children,
ever since I hit a little
snafu at a dental office.
(MUFFLED) I've got
a little bit of a gag reflex.
Uh, close your eyes, breathe through
your nose, you'll be fine.
Oh. Okay.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(MACHINE SQUEAKING)
(BEEPS)
Oh, you got a really weird tongue.
You need to floss better.
BRAD: Ever since then, my testicles have
been more decorative than anything else.
Hey!
And I thought I'd never have a family.
Until I met a stunning mom named Sara.
Would you look at her?
I am one lucky so-and-so.
I hit the jackpot.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry I'm taking so long.
I have to show that Sixty West
building to those new clients.
- I know.
- (GASPS)
- Oh, my God! The kids' lunches.
- Already packed. I wrote them
little inspirational notes
to start them on their day.
They've already eaten their breakfasts,
and you look perfect.
You are amazing.
Look at this, huh? Another family drawing.
Oh, no. I am so sorry.
No, I think you're misunderstanding.
This is the first drawing
where I'm not dead already.
Sure, I've got a knife in my eye
and some homeless man poop on my head,
(SIGHING)
but this is showing real progress.
I think she's starting to accept me.
You can find the good
in just about anything.
I love that about you. You know that?
Thanks.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello. I'm home.
Hey.
How was the, uh...
What's wrong?
He won't talk to me.
He said he only wants to talk to you.
You want to talk to me?
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
- You mean me and your mom?
- Mmm-mmm.
- Just me? By myself?
- Mmm-hmm.
Sure. I'm...
I'm totally free. Let's go to the den.
We'll sit there.
We'll sit.
We can do it sitting or standing?
Doesn't matter. We're just gonna do it.
We're not gonna overthink it.
Yeah. Great. Okay, good.
Just the men, yeah.
A little rap session. Great.
(WHISPERING) Oh, my God.
I just want you to know that
I'm just here to listen. All right?
No judgments, no lectures,
just a compassionate ear.
- Well, there are these kids at school...
- Mmm-hmm.
...and they're bigger than me,
because they're fourth graders.
- (SHUTTER CLICKING)
- And...
Oh, was that weird?
I'm sorry, I'm just...
It's a big moment for me,
and I'm just trying to capture it.
It just came off awkward.
So, go ahead, continue telling
your story. Fourth graders.
Anyway, there are
these fourth graders, and...
He actually confided in me.
I mean, it was that father-son feeling
I've been dying for,
and it was even better than
I thought it was gonna be.
(SIGHS) I mean, he really needed me. Me.
That is so great, honey.
He even said not to tell you.
So I'm actually totally betraying
his trust right now. (CHUCKLES)
What are we gonna do about
those little snot-nosed fourth graders?
Oh, I think it's going to be fine.
He's going to try to do some
trust falls on the playground.
Really? You think that's gonna work?
As long as they catch him. Yeah.
Hey, Brad.
Yeah?
If I ask you something,
you promise you won't cry again?
Of course, sweetie. What is it?
Well, at school,
they told us about this thing,
and it's called a Daddy-Daughter Dance.
(GASPING)
So, do you want to go with me?
(SOBBING)
You said you wouldn't cry, Brad.
I'm not. Megan, yes. A million times yes.
I thought big people
weren't supposed to cry.
I think it's sweet that he's
crying like a little *****.
(GASPS) Megan!
You are not supposed
to call people that word.
You know what? It takes a real
man to show his emotions.
(SOBBING LOUDLY)
All right, that's a bit much.
VIZZINI: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
FEZZIK: Anybody want a peanut?
(ALL LAUGHING)
BRAD: We were finally becoming a family.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- I'll get it!
After being pushed away
and treated like an outsider,
I was finally becoming
the dad that I always knew I could...
Daddy!
Hi! Where are you?
Where's Cameroon?
Is that gunfire? Cool!
MEGAN: Daddy, Daddy!
I want to talk to Daddy.
Hi, Daddy.
Good.
- So your ex is calling, huh?
- (SIGHS) Yeah.
What a treat for the kids.
It's been a long time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
We're watching a really funny
movie with Mommy and Brad.
Oh, Brad is Mommy's new husband.
Wait. He doesn't know about me?
Well, I haven't talked to him
in six months.
We've been married eight months.
Brad, Daddy wants to talk to you.
- No! No, no. Don't, don't...
- I'm just going to say hi.
You don't need to do that. Brad, don't.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you, sweetie.
Hello, Dusty?
Super to make your acquaintance.
In fact, I just wish
I could shake your hand
and offer to buy you a cold one.
- Tomorrow?
- What?
BOTH: Daddy's coming! Yay!
Oh, yeah, I guess I could pick you up.
- (WHISPERS) No.
- Hmm?
It's Whitaker.
W-H-I-T-A-K-E-R. (CHUCKLES)
No, I'm not comfortable giving you
my Social Security number over the phone.
Uh, okay, yeah, my credit score is 752.
I'm very proud of that. (CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry? What sort of fighting styles
am I proficient in?
I don't know if I've ever been
asked that before.
Hello, Dusty, hello, hello? Hmm...
I lost him.
What just happened?
Did you just invite him to come here?
Is he coming tomorrow?
Well, I didn't know
he'd accept my offer so soon.
I mean, he really jumped at it.
Remember when I said he was like Jesse
James and Mick Jagger had a baby?
Yeah, I just thought maybe
he was really skinny and
jittery, and had like a little bit
of a British accent, or something.
He's wild and he's crazy.
That's why I fell in love with him.
Then you end up with two kids.
And I'm stuck there holding the bag and
he's nowhere to be found.
It doesn't matter how much love or passion,
or you can't breathe without each other.
All of that stuff is stupid in comparison.
When you have kids,
you have responsibilities.
He doesn't understand that.
Honey, this is actually a good thing.
- (SIGHS)
- I'll welcome Dusty into our home,
and we'll establish some kind
but firm boundaries.
All right? It's what Step-By-Stepdad
calls "setting up a Loving Fence."
A Loving Fence?
Wow, that sounds really great, honey.
But your self-help books
have never met Dusty Mayron.
He sounds like a rascal, but I don't
think it's anything I can't handle.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
PANDA SINGER: Check. Check, check.
Chinese Checkers,
Czech, Czech Republic, pop,
sibilance, sibilance, pop,
one, two, six, seven,
check, check, check, check.
What do you got for me, Brad?
Oh, Mr. Holt, hello. Well, hopefully
the new voice of The Panda.
Oh, listen.
I gotta leave early today. I gotta go
pick up my wife's ex at the airport.
Jesus, kid, how'd you
draw that **** detail?
Brad, why do you want
this deadbeat in your home?
Well, it's not that I want him in my home,
it's just that the better
stepparenting books
say that the worst thing you can do
for the kids is to push out the biological.
You're in the danger zone here,
Brad, and let me tell you why.
Kids that grow up without their dads
always end up obsessing over them.
Most of the hook-ups
that I've had in my adult life
have been with women
that had daddy issues.
I don't know if this is
an appropriate story.
Look, my wife would kill me
if she knew I was telling you this.
Well, then you shouldn't tell me this.
When I met her in Denver...
You're going to tell
the story, aren't you?
...she was a topless maid.
- Ninety-nine bucks an hour.
- Mmm-hmm.
Never met her father.
But who did she meet? Me.
And who did treat her like ****? Me.
I eventually loved her,
but every time she got out of line,
I'd just pull the Humvee over
and ask her to get out politely.
And then I'd drive away.
Guess what?
She showed up at home every time.
This story has no relevance
to my situation.
Oh, it doesn't at all.
It's just a good story.
So, Pete, are we going
to hear this guy, or what?
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
I'm sorry.
Keep it up, Brad.
You and I will fight in the parking lot.
BRAD: So today is the day I'm finally
meeting the father of my children.
Am I nervous? You're darn right I am.
But who wouldn't be? (SIGHS DEEPLY)
And here's the thing.
I mean, Pepe, you know, kids...
...they see through things and,
at the end of the day,
they know who's been around...
Holy balls!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I hope that's not him.
(GULPING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
There is no doubt this man
is your better in every way.
Well, you're kind to say that. Thank you.
Yeah, I feel pretty good.
- Hey, you Dusty?
- Nope.
What?
Are you sure?
Are you Dusty... No, you're not Dusty.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(ON RADIO) You've got
Jason Sinclair on The Panda,
the station everybody
in the office can agree on.
What is this?
Now if you're up in Wolf Trap this weekend,
do yourself a favor and check out...
(DOOR OPENING)
Hey! Where have you been?
I called you like 100 times.
(SIGHS) I know, my phone died. Look...
This motorcycle, is this...
Yes. He's here.
- He's here?
- Yes.
What's he doing inside there?
He's giving the kids
all kinds of Starbursts.
Starbursts? God damn it!
Sorry. Sorry. (EXHALES)
I'm a hot habanero pepper right now.
I got a few bullet points I want to
bring up with our friend Dusty,
starting with airport etiquette,
courtesy and expectation.
MEGAN: Oh, good story, Daddy!
You like that story? It's all true. Hey!
Who wants some more Starbursts and
a couple of uncirculated silver dollars?
So you are Dusty.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I sure am. You must be
the new and improved husband.
Bring it in, big guns.
I already met you at the airport.
No, I don't recall that, friend.
Yeah, I walked right up to you
and asked if you were Dusty.
I'm pretty sure I'd remember
a heavy hitter like yourself.
(SCOFFS)
Well, must have been my mistake.
All right, that was me at the airport.
- Yeah, I know that.
- The truth is,
I saw you before you saw me,
and I'm thinking,
"This is the guy who's raising my kids?"
"And damn it if he doesn't
look like the real deal."
I mean, look at you.
You figured it out, didn't you?
You cracked the code.
(CHUCKLES) I don't know about that.
Don't play that humble game with me.
He is so humble. He's just too humble.
Honey, you got it goin' on.
Everybody says so.
Yeah, I got it goin' way on.
So you can understand
why I panicked at the airport.
- I froze, Brad. I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
Look, these are tricky waters to navigate.
They sure are, man. I mean,
that is insightful.
You know, I thought it was weird Sara
didn't tell me about you before.
I thought, what's she hiding?
And now I know.
A champion.
Hey, Brad! Did you see Dad's motorcycle?
Isn't it cool?
BRAD: It sure is.
What is that, an Indian?
Yep.
I believe they're manufactured
in Minneapolis.
I've never been, but that's the setting
for The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
And... What's the other... Rhoda.
Which I want to say was a spin-off.
Damn! You really know
your bikes, Brad. You ride?
Uh-huh. Yeah!
- Really?
- BRAD: Yeah.
I mean, not anymore. I did, you know,
back in college. I had a, um...
I had a Kawa-saki? Kawasaki Nine.
Yeah.
With the fenders and the...
The broil joint. So...
Well, you should get on her, man. Come on!
Take her out, see what she can do.
She's got a lot of power.
Oh, no, no, no.
Yeah, Brad! Brad... Please!
No. Hey, come on, kids. It's time for bed.
It's way past your bedtime.
Let's brush your teeth.
All right, come on, guys,
listen to your mom. Hey, look...
(STUTTERS) I don't want to overstep, but
it would mean the world to me
if I could tuck in our two little blessings.
Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course.
They're your kids. Tuck away.
Oh, thank you for that, Brad.
The King messed up. He messed up bad.
He thought he could just
ride off to slay dragons,
and his Queen would always be
waiting for him.
And then one day the King received word
that his dominion was being ruled over
by some curly-headed Step King
with good credit?
Oh, no!
Well, the King rode hard up on his lands,
and when he arrived,
he did gaze fondly upon the Queen,
remembering their good times together,
for he had known her in her prime,
when she was down for anything,
and I do mean anything.
Psst...
Sounds like your dad's spinning
quite a yarn. Mind if I listen in?
Oh, actually, it's getting late.
You two need to get some sack time.
BOTH: No, we want more story, please!
Hey, I'd love to be in here all night,
but let's be respectful of Brad's rules,
no matter how arbitrary they seem.
All right?
Good night, my little golden treasures.
Good night, my little magical cherubs.
- Here comes some butterfly kisses.
- (GIGGLING)
And some Eskimo kisses.
Good night, buddy.
Sleep tight. Sleep tight.
Hey, who wants good-night tickles?
- BOTH: Me!
- (DUSTY CHUCKLES)
Good night, my little breath of God.
Good night, my little Jesus teardrop.
I almost forgot, my famous
good-night back scratches.
- Oh, so relaxing, so relaxing.
- (SIGHING)
Good night, sweetie bear.
Hey, who wants twenty bucks?
- BOTH: I do! Me!
- Twenty dollars?
- What?
- Oh, yeah.
One for you, and one for you.
I don't know if that's appropriate.
Ah, don't worry about it.
BRAD: Okay. Good night.
So, uh, if you want to, why don't you
come by tomorrow after school?
Might be a good time to...
What about the cold one?
The cold one?
You promised me
a cold one and a handshake.
Cold one. One cold one, coming up.
Great. I'll grab my jacket,
we'll go outside.
Perfect. All right.
Hey! Psst...
What are you doing?
What are you guys buddies now?
No. I mean, I offered him a cold one.
I really should honor
the cold one promise.
(SIGHS) Fine. You give him a cold one,
and then you get rid of him, okay?
You put up your Loving Fence,
- remember?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Then you come to bed.
- Okay.
- Will do.
- Okay.
DUSTY: What you got going on over here?
Oh, uh, that's a treehouse. A little, uh,
bonding project for Dylan and I.
Yeah, we've been at it
for about two months.
DUSTY: It's looking good.
BRAD: Thank you.
So, Dusty, how long do you think
you're going to be in town for?
Well, Brad, the truth is,
I'm wheels-up a week from tomorrow.
Time to get out there and
kick some ass for America.
Oh, I see. So you're a soldier?
Nope.
Oh, so you're a, uh...
Yep.
Yep, what?
(CHUCKLES) You don't want to know
any more than that, Brad.
Okay.
Um, listen, Dusty, I think that we should
set up a visitation schedule.
Right? That way, you feel like
you have ample time with the children...
Why don't we cut the ****, Brad?
No, we don't have to cut the ****.
You want to know what I'm doing here,
why don't you quit looking at
whatever you wrote on your hand?
Be a man and ask me, Brad.
Okay. What are you doing here?
Now, we both know kids need
a single primary male role model.
Sara's made her choice.
I'm man enough to
let that role model be you.
I will vouch for you with my children.
I will give them my sacred
permission to trust you.
To love you and to
call you Dad.
You'd do that for me?
No.
But I will do it for them.
That is what you want, isn't it, Brad?
More than anything in the world.
He played you.
You just got so played out there.
I know it looks that way, 'cause
I promised I would ask him to leave,
and then I invited him to stay for a week,
but he didn't play me.
You know what he did? He cut the ****.
- Oh, he did?
- And I gotta say, it was refreshing.
I think more of us could stand
to just cut the ****, you know.
- Right.
- In one conversation,
he just blew by
eight chapters in my stepdad book.
I mean, this is gonna be so good
for me and the kids.
Oh, baby, you have no idea
who you're dancing with.
Dusty gets into your head,
- that's what he does.
- (WHIRRING)
(MUFFLED) He has a very impressive,
rugged bravado,
there's no question. But I gotta say,
I think in here, there's
a soft, soft creamy center.
You know? I think he feels a lot.
He just... He needs
someone with this, a big ear.
And I got them. Mmm.
Oh, good morning, Dusty.
- Hey.
- You're up and at 'em.
- (OVEN TIMER DINGS)
- Yeah, I got up early
- and did a quick 20.
- Really?
- Twenty minutes of what?
- Oh, twenty miles.
Did a little light sparring,
then I whipped up
a pan of piping-hot
cinnamon rolls for my family.
And I made one for you, too.
Wow. That's very impressive, thank you.
- DUSTY: Good morning, gang!
- Ooh, it smells yummy!
Our real dad's a super,
super-duper good cook!
- Mmm-hmm.
- Here you go, guys.
Yeah, it looks an awful lot like Cinnabon.
Well, thank you, Brad.
What a nice thing to say.
Mmm, it tastes exactly like Cinnabon!
In fact, same shape,
same swirl, same frosting.
Now you're starting to embarrass me,
but I do appreciate the compliment.
Good morning, Sar-bear!
- Morning.
- Hey, listen, guys,
Brad and I had a talk last night
about the importance of family.
And now that everyone's here,
I wanted to say a few words, okay?
I think that would be great.
Hey, kids, you know, families can be
ever-growing and changing things.
And sometimes someone new
knocks on the door of your heart
and you're not sure if you
have room in there for one more.
But there's someone here now
that I hope you guys can learn to love.
Okay?
(WHISTLING)
- Come here, boy!
- (GROWLING)
BOTH: A doggy! Yay!
You brought a dog home?
Yeah. Is that a problem?
I mean, you seemed
really into it while I was teeing it up.
No, I thought you were talking about me.
- Oh, but you're not a dog, Brad.
- No... (SCOFFS)
Look, last night, when we talked...
Oh, yeah. Well, listen,
that's got to happen organically.
Why can't it happen now?
It just can't.
You're dirty.
SARA: Dusty, how old is that thing?
I'd guess him to be around 15.
I mean, I found him this morning,
living in a storm drain.
I named him Tumor,
because of how much he grows on you.
BOTH: Mommy, can we keep Tumor, please?
Oh, I'm gonna leave this one up to Brad.
BOTH: Please, Brad! Please!
Why is he looking at me like that?
- (GROWLING)
- He's only looking at me.
Maybe we just get a puppy instead?
A puppy, Brad? What are they
going to learn from a puppy?
An old dog like Tumor here's
been out in the world, man. Living free.
Fighting for survival and seeing things
we can only dream of.
Just look at the wisdom
in those cloudy eyes.
Besides, you know what happens
to old dogs at shelters.
He's gonna have to walk the green mile
as soon as he gets there.
No, Brad, no! Don't kill our dog!
I hate you!
Okay. Okay. Fine.
He can live out his few
remaining weeks with us.
Yay! Thanks, Brad.
I don't hate you anymore.
He's going potty!
SARA: Oh, my God.
We'll clean it up. We don't mind.
Look at that.
The dog's already
teaching them responsibility.
Hey, guys, when you got to
pick up the potty, use gloves.
- He's definitely got worms in his poo.
- (BOTH GROANING IN DISGUST)
(SIGHS)
SARA: Dusty!
Can you please move this thing?
I can't get my car out of the garage.
Hey, Brad, do you mind?
I want to grab a quick shower.
Yeah, sure, no problem.
- Hey, honey.
- Hi, sweetie.
It's blocking everything.
No, I know. I know, don't worry.
We're on top of it.
What are you doing? Brad, I don't...
Hey! Stay away from that, please.
(GRUNTS)
Honey, what are you doing?
- (ENGINE REVVING)
- (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
I don't know if that's a good idea, Brad.
Dusty!
It's vibrating up into my shoulders.
Hey, it's okay, Brad.
Look, she's a lot of bike, man.
No, I'm good. Why don't you go
back in and take that shower,
so you can get a shirt on?
Oh, you got it.
Hey, you look good on that, man.
Remember, one down, four up.
Dusty, everyone knows it's one down...
- (SCREAMING)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(CRASHING)
Did Brad just die?
I think we all need to prepare ourselves
for that possibility, pumpkin. Okay?
Brad!
Brad!
- (BRAD GROANING)
- (GASPING)
Oh, my God.
- (COUGHING)
- Brad, are you all right?
No, I'm not all right.
I'm in the wall. I'm scared.
Oh, honey.
Jeez, Brad, I thought you said
you could ride.
I can ride, okay.
Would you get a shirt on?
I think if you could ride, you wouldn't
be stuck in a wall right now, Brad.
SARA:
Yeah. I'm sorry to say it, but he's right.
You almost killed the kids!
DUSTY: Let's not beat up
on Brad here. Okay?
He was showboating for the kids
a little bit, and things got out of hand.
Let's all just be grateful
nobody got hurt. Okay?
I got hurt!
Okay, kids, listen up.
This is a good lesson
on why you never wanna lie
about your ability to do things
you clearly can't do, okay, huh?
I think my arm is stuck in the wall.
DUSTY: Brad, just stay still.
I'll get you out.
No, no, no, no, no. No, don't do anything.
And would you please
just go and get a shirt on?
Just calm down, all right?
- (SARA SCREAMING)
- (GROANING)
Hey, I'm really sorry about
what happened to your car.
Yeah, and I'm sorry about
what happened to your bike.
Oh, no damage. Not a scratch.
- Oh, not even one scratch?
- Unbelievable.
(LAUGHS) That's so good.
(ROOF THUDS)
Let's keep it going! Inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Morning, Jerry.
Got to keep it inside the cones!
No, Daddy! You're supposed
to stay in the cones!
Whoa, whoa! Inside the cones!
- Inside. Bring her in. That's better.
- (SIGHS)
Let's keep those kids safe today, okay?
Thank you, Brad.
Sorry, Doris.
It's okay. This whole drop-off line thing
can be a bit overwhelming
if you're not used to it.
Yeah, well, I've landed a chopper
in the middle of a Cuban prison riot,
Brad, I think I'm good.
(BEEPING)
Bye, guys! I love you guys so much.
Have a great day, okay?
- Bye, Daddy!
- Make sure you do all your work.
Bye, guys. Have the best day.
I love you so...
BRAD: Here's the exciting thing.
We just opened up in our 68th market,
making The Panda America's
number three smooth jazz station.
Wow.
And here it is. My, uh... My little nook.
Wow. Oh, man, I gotta admit,
this is more than I expected.
Wow.
I kind of envy you, Brad.
Oh, stop it.
Ah, it's true. I mean, you're a nice guy,
making a comfortable living,
and the most fantastic woman
in the world loves you dearly.
Really? Thanks for saying that.
I mean it. And that sacrifice
she's making for you... That's true love.
Sacrifice?
Well, sure, Brad.
You know how bad
that girl wants another baby.
She wants another baby?
For her to let that slip away
and marry a man she knew to be barren,
that's true love.
How do you know that I can't...
- Bradley.
- Yes.
Caroline says we're gonna hear some
new voice talent this a.m.?
Yes, sir, in about 15 minutes.
Okay. How'd it go
- with the ****bag ex-husband?
- Uh-uh.
You whip his ass with
that Loving Fence of yours?
(LAUGHS)
Well, actually it's interesting, Mr. Holt,
because I want you to meet Dusty Mayron.
Jesus in the morning.
She was married to him first?
Okay. Let's establish some
ground rules, pretty boy.
- Airborne?
- Huh?
Well, your lapel pin.
101st, that's one hell of a division, sir.
Oh, well, thank you, Dusty.
Are you Airborne?
Oh, no, sir, I'm afraid
I don't share that honor,
but I'm humbled to be in the
presence of anyone who does.
Airborne Division? Those guys love to fly.
Very nice to meet you, sir.
Thank you, thank you.
It's good to meet you.
My pleasure. It's an honor.
Fast friends over there. (CHUCKLES)
That's wonderful.
Come on! No way!
The whole time you're running guns
for the freedom fighters
right under the cartel's noses,
and they never suspected it was you once?
Well, I'm sure they started to suspect
once they were in a ball of fire
the size of four city blocks.
(LAUGHING)
That's great. I love that!
Holy buckets, Brad!
If this guy was my wife's ex,
I'd put a bullet in my skull.
(BOTH LAUGH)
DUSTY: Come on, Leo, cut it out.
Oh, uh... Sir, I think Barry's ready.
You're really going to like this guy.
Okay. Ready to listen.
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
All right. Mmm-hmm.
- You like him, Brad?
- I do.
I do. I mean, I think his voice
has a warm dependability
that all Panda listeners could trust.
What do you think, Duster?
(BRAD LAUGHS)
Does Dusty now work for The Panda?
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm not really into smooth jazz.
I shouldn't comment.
(SCOFFS) Nobody's into smooth jazz.
I'm into smooth jazz.
Of course you are, Brad.
So what do you think, Dusty?
I mean, it just seems a little flaccid.
I think you need a voice with some
virility and hope, that tells listeners,
"Hey! Maybe the next song
won't suck as bad as the last one."
Also, I think a strong ability
to be something like...
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
What...
What just happened?
He sang the tagline.
- Good boy, Tumor!
- (CAR HONKING)
BOTH: Daddy!
DUSTY: Hey!
Oh, perfect timing. Listen to this.
DUSTY ON RADIO: One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
- Is that you?
- Yeah!
SARA: That's you?
Why is that him?
I took him to work, and 15 minutes later
he's the new voice of The Panda.
Hey, you believe that? I record
one take at 9:30 this morning,
it's already run 11 times.
Do I really get 182 bucks
every time they play that?
Yes. Every time, yes.
Ooh! Money.
You see why I love America
even more than most people do?
Hey. What's this?
Just the handyman
I hired off Angie's List.
He's upstairs fixing the damage.
Your wife had to hire a man? For what?
Some framing, a little sheetrock repair,
some masonry and basic window glazing?
Come on, Brad.
We can bang that out tonight.
Yeah.
It's just basic sheetrock glazing
and, you know, little whatamajigs.
Get up there and
get in there and crank it out.
Dusty is pretty good with his hands.
Pretty good with my hands,
Brad, she knows.
Okay. Yeah, I'll just go
up there and I'll...
- Want me to do it? I'll tell him to screw.
- No, no, no, no.
No, no, no. That's okay.
I'll tell him,
- "Guess what, bub?"
- Tell him the men are here.
I'll say that.
I'll say, "The men are here."
- Let's do it.
- I don't want to imply to him
that he's not a man. But I'll just say,
"Hey, the boys are back in town." Right?
(HAMMERING)
Oh, hi.
I'm Brad. Uh... My wife hired you.
Nice to meet you, Brad.
I just came up here to say that you...
That, um, you should have good luck.
Thank you for your wishes of luck.
I'll be downstairs.
Well? What happened?
Oh, you know, I think it's...
He already started,
and I just think it feels wrong.
Why? Because he's black?
No. No, no.
Megan! Dylan!
- What are you doing? Huh?
- Teaching moment.
Guys, what would we call Brad
if he treated someone differently
just because of the color of their skin?
- (BOTH GASP)
- Brad's being racism?
Racist, honey. Brad is a racist.
- Honey.
- No, I mean... But not on purpose.
Is Brad a Klan person?
No. (LAUGHS)
So I'm a racist if I don't fire someone?
Well, yeah, you are.
Yeah, you are.
Sir, you're taking this all wrong.
Right. So you get one look
at the color of my skin,
and all of a sudden you're
Mr. Do It Yourself, huh?
No, not at all. Please, allow me
to pay you for your time and travel.
Don't do me any favors, Paula Deen.
(SIGHS)
I'm not a woman.
You did the right thing.
Boy, it doesn't feel that way.
Let's get cracking.
Where do you keep your tools?
I know where Brad keeps his tools.
In the credenza.
- Yeah.
- You keep your tools
- in the credenza, Brad?
- In the credenza. Mmm-hmm.
Just easier to get to.
- It's convenient.
- Yeah.
(CLATTERING)
This is a tackle box, Brad.
Are we going fishing?
No. Unless you want to go fishing.
What have you got in here?
A hammer, masking tape,
three C batteries and a tampon.
Yeah, well, a tampon's handy for...
Yeah, I know what they're handy for.
So are we not going to fix it?
Well, what do you want from me, Brad?
To buy all the gear we need
would cost more
than just hiring someone
off of Angie's List.
- (GROWLING)
- (GASPS)
And the King, he thought the Step King
seemed okay at first, a little soft, maybe,
but, heck, the Queen needed a meal ticket.
But the more the King learned about him,
the more he doubted the
Step King's ability to lead.
So the King decided
there was only one way to...
Psst... Hey. Good story?
Yeah. The King finally
came back to his castle.
But the evil Step King
wouldn't give him his crown back.
Oh, okay, yeah.
I think I've heard this story before.
Ah, it's a story as old as time, Brad.
Well, you know what? It turns out
the Step King wasn't evil at all.
He was a really good guy.
Fun at parties, great conversationalist,
affable. And he saw
that the beautiful Queen
and perfect Prince and Princess
were all alone, and he came
valiantly to their rescue.
Yeah, but wasn't the Queen sad because
the Step King couldn't give
her an heir to the throne?
Okay, you know what?
Now this is getting personal.
Hey, Brad, come on.
We're just doing fairy tales here.
All right. Well, the Queen wasn't sad,
just for the record. (STUTTERING)
The Step King was pretty sure
she was totally cool with it.
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm sure the Queen was thrilled. Right?
Right?
Yeah.
Honey,
what's the matter?
Are you still sad about
Dusty finding your tampon?
No. No, I mean,
this is a little embarrassing,
but it's just, I was...
Is there any chance
you still want another baby?
Oh, my God. What, did Dusty say something?
He's just trying to get in your head.
So it's not true then?
Okay. Maybe I did want another baby.
But it's not possible,
given what happened to your...
And I'm not blaming them. I love them.
They are my fuzzy little pals.
You don't have to say that.
They are.
I am 100% happy
with the family that I have.
The only reason I'm putting up with him is
because my kids are so happy to see him.
And I want them to have
a relationship with their father.
You know what?
I can't wait to see his face
when he figures out
how much you really do for his kids.
Yeah. I mean, I'm
involved. I'm emotionally available.
Yeah, you are.
You are darn right.
It's high time Dusty sees
how a real dad does it.
I am fired up!
(SIGHS)
Let's get some shut-eye.
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Hallelujah!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, dudes! Hey, T.J.!
Brad! Look what Dad did!
He finished the treehouse for you!
Hey, hey! B-man!
No, watch out, B!
(BRAD GROANING)
Hey, Brad. Sorry about that.
- You all right?
- (CONTINUES GROANING)
Brad, what do you think, man?
Wow. Pretty cool zipline.
You like that, huh? It's military grade.
You built all this today? With my tools?
Oh, no, you can't build a treehouse
with a tampon, Brad.
No, I had a little bit of help.
Yo, Dylan, PS4 is all hooked up.
- Thanks, Uncle Griff.
- No problem, buddy.
Uncle Griff?
Dude, I went out for a beer last night,
and who's tending bar but our man Griffy?
We get to talking and we just click.
You know what I mean?
He's a great dude, man. He really is.
I know how you feel about him,
but just give him a chance.
All right? He's having
a tough time at home,
and your firing him sure didn't help.
Well, I fired him because you made me!
- I made you?
- Yeah.
Am I in charge around here now?
Is my name on the mortgage?
Last time I checked,
you were the man of the house,
and me and Griffy were just staying here.
- He's not staying here.
- Because he's black?
No, not because of that.
Look, Griffy helped me
knock this out, all right?
So despite any prejudices
that you may or may not have...
I don't have any prejudices.
I said "may or may not."
- Well, it's may not.
- Well, that's good.
Because that's one of the ones I said.
Hey, kids, come on.
Helmets on the half-pipe.
We got to be safe around here.
Wait, half-pipe?
Look, I know it's taking up
a lot of the yard, but it's gonna make
your house the coolest place
in the neighborhood.
I got a sound system, we got
a couple Go-Pros. That's Corey
from Red Bull over there.
Hey, Corey!
You got a sponsor for my backyard?
Hey, Mr. Mayron! You want next?
Nicholas, please, it's Dusty!
And, yes, I do. Brad, watch this run.
I'm gonna dedicate this run
to my future X-Games champs,
Dylan and Megan. This is for you!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(BLOWS)
Looks like you picked
the wrong leisure activity, buddy.
(ALL CHEERING)
Thank you.
- Oh, hey, Sara.
- Hi.
Okay. Who's got next?
BRAD: I do!
Look!
(ALL GASPING)
Some cute little tricks there, Dusty.
(LAUGHS)
Really adorable.
Brad?
Hey, who'd like to see
how we used to do it
back in the empty pools of Encino,
Castaic, Irvine, Long Beach?
Santa Clarita?
Santa Cruz?
Fremont?
Honey, no, please come down.
Oh, I intend to, sister.
Come on, Brad, it hasn't been that long.
Godspeed.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (GRUNTS)
- ALL: Whoa!
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! Brad!
Oh, no, it's best not to touch him.
Wait a second.
What do you mean, don't touch him?
He's in trouble.
Look, I know he's in trouble, okay?
But if there's a problem, who
do you want to be in charge?
You?
Okay. All right, guys,
we have an emergency situation.
And what's the first thing we do? Anybody?
- You! Redhead.
- Call 911.
Close. But wrong.
First thing we do is remain calm.
Yeah, that's good advice.
The 911 operator can't understand you
if you're hysterical, okay?
So let's all take a deep breath.
In for ten...
Are you kidding me right now? Help him!
Hey, that doesn't sound calm, Sara.
Now, please, call 911
and relate to the dispatcher
- what happened calmly, okay?
- Okay, yes.
Anybody know what we do next?
Check for pulse!
Nice! My star pupil! Come on up here.
All right! Okay, two fingers on the neck,
right below the ear.
- Good. You feel a heartbeat?
- Uh-uh.
Okay, now that means that
Brad here is now clinically... Anybody?
- You, Jean Jacket!
- Dead?
Attaboy, Jean Jacket. You're a smart kid.
He is dead.
All right, so what do we do?
Come on, we're losing him here.
Give him C.P.R.?
Yes! That's my girl.
Come on up here, sweetie.
All right! All right, lock your fingers like
this and press down hard right here.
- (GRUNTING)
- Oh, great job, sweetheart.
Dusty, hurry!
Okay, I'm going to go ahead
and take this one.
Okay? Watch closely now.
If you do your
chest compressions properly,
it shouldn't take long. Clear out, guys.
(WHIRRING)
(GASPING)
- I got him! I got him!
- (COUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING)
My dad can bring people
back from the dead!
(GROANING)
Mr. Whitaker's a zombie!
(MUTTERING)
Look, I'm okay, really.
I just got a little jolt.
You got a little killed
is what you got, Brad.
We thought we lost you.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I just got tired of being
the lame stepdad.
All the kids think he's Superman.
Well, now you know how I felt.
I always had to be the bad guy mom,
giving out the carrots
and the punishments,
and he would breeze in
from God only knows where
and get to be the cool, fun dad.
Honey. Look. (SIGHS)
I'll talk to him, okay?
I'll tell him to get his stuff
and get over to the Red Roof Inn. Pronto.
Great.
(TV PLAYING)
Wait. Prince Hans is actually the bad guy?
Man, I didn't see that coming at all.
He seemed like he really loved Anna.
MEGAN: I hate Prince Hans.
Dusty.
- Hey, how you feeling, Sparky?
- (CHUCKLES)
Sparky. That's hilarious.
DUSTY: Brad, have you seen this movie?
It's unbelievable, man.
There's these two sisters,
one of them has ice powers.
Yeah, I'm familiar with Frozen.
Listen, Dusty, I need to talk to you now.
I can't talk now, Brad.
Just pause the movie!
Can you guys talk out there, please?
Griff, man. You gotta pause it, man.
No! I don't want to ruin the momentum.
He won't... Dude, if another song
comes on, you got to pause it. Okay?
Am I supposed to pause my emotions?
Just pause the song, man.
What's up? What's up?
What's going on, Brad?
- This shouldn't take long.
- Okay, good.
Listen, um, I just think
that you're being here...
Yeah. No problem.
...and now there's Griff here,
it's presenting some obstacles...
(SOBBING)
Stupid helmet!
Honey, what happened?
They pushed me off my bike again!
- I'm so sick of it!
- (CLATTERING)
I want them dead, Brad. All right?
I want their parents dead.
And if they don't have parents, I want
their primary caregivers dead.
Do you understand me?
- Okay, okay.
- He's okay.
Megan's upstairs playing with him.
I am so pissed about this.
Was it the fourth graders again?
Fourth graders?
What, you knew about this, Brad?
Yeah. Dylan asked to speak
specifically to me about it.
- Really?
- So, we role-played
some conflict resolution dialogue.
Are you being serious right now, Brad?
What you need to be teaching him
is some ass-beating resolution.
Damn straight. You got to
make a statement. Set a tone.
It's kind of a family matter over here.
No, Dusty and Griff are right.
Those little punks need
their butts whooped.
Hey, you got any Miracle Whip?
Yeah, it's behind the... (SIGHS)
Here. Hold on. Let me just get it for you.
Guys, I know we're upset right now,
but here's the thing.
Violence never solved anything.
Hey, check your history books, buddy.
Almost everything is solved by violence.
There are better ways.
Okay. Name one. Besides dialoguing.
- Name one?
- Name one!
- What do you mean, name one?
- You said you could
solve problems with
things other than fighting.
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
Well, you said you knew!
You act like you knew!
- Fine, yes!
- What?
Dancing! Dancing.
Did you... Did you just say dancing, Brad?
It's very popular in youth culture
to resolve conflict through dancing.
They step up to each other and get served
by crunking, or popping and locking.
They call each other out, they take turns,
and it is no less intense
than a classic street brawl.
But, at the end of the day, no one's hurt.
And it's a great aerobic workout.
He's flailing a bit,
but he has a good point.
There's a rich history
of dance battles in film.
- You got Breakin' 1...
- I didn't even think of this.
...Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.
One of the rare cases
where the sequel was better
- than the original.
- Much better.
You got Step Up, Stomp the Yard.
He makes a solid point.
Honey, are you telling us that we
should teach Dylan to dance?
(SIGHS) No, I'm just saying that
teaching him to fight isn't the answer.
Okay, but maybe teaching him
to fight back isn't so bad?
BRAD: Okay.
There we go. Perfect.
That's good, right there.
Yeah. A lot of protection.
All right, Dylan. You ready, buddy?
- I guess.
- Oh, you're ready.
Brad, Griff. You guys be
the fourth graders.
- I'll be Dylan.
- Okay.
All right. Hey, buddy, the first thing you
want to do is call out the biggest one.
Hey! What's the matter?
You too much of a pussy to take me on
without your little *****es to back you up?
Wow. Okay, yes.
That cut right through me, there.
I'm filled with inner shame right now.
Saying to myself,
"Gosh, maybe I'm not behaving
"100% the way I want to."
Right? Is that same page?
No. What the kid's gonna think
is, "Now I can beat your ass
"all on my own." But now
you only got one bully to contend with.
Now bullies always open up
with some shoving first.
- Watch. Brad, give me a little shove.
- All right.
(YELPS)
Whoa, I didn't connect there, did I?
No. It was really close, though.
See what I did, buddy?
I turned my body just enough
to let his weight bring him in,
then I came right down Broadway.
- I'm not gonna hit you.
- Oh.
- Okay, relax. Okay?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Bam!
- (ALL GASP)
It's called the element of surprise.
Then you start punking his ass!
You want some more of that, *****, huh?
You like that, *****?
All right. Do we really
need to use that word?
- No.
- Honey, yes.
Unfortunately, we do. I'm sorry.
You have to make him a *****.
It's a fundamental step in
destroying a bully's psyche.
Now stay down, *****!
Then you kick that kid right in the nuts!
Kick him in the nuts, Dylan!
Wait! I thought you were in my gang.
Yeah, but once Dylan tuned you up,
I switched sides.
What do you think happens
out there on the playground, Brad?
All right, now come on, buddy.
It's your turn. All right?
I'll be the fourth grader.
Can I just go inside already, please?
Hey, buddy come on, this is easy.
You can do this.
I said, no! I don't like this stuff.
I'll just stay away from them
from now on. Mom?
Okay, come here, buddy.
- Come on. It's all right.
- Brad.
Help me out here. Come on.
Hey, wait.
Pal, listen...
I know what it's like
to be afraid to go to school.
Okay? When I was your age,
this group of older kids
started picking on me.
I ran and I cried
underneath the bleachers.
They bothered me every day,
because they knew
I was too afraid to face them.
Until one day, I'd had enough.
And I socked Jesse Hubbard
right in the nose.
Really? And they left you alone?
Damn right they did.
Brad. (SOFTLY) That was good.
Come here, buddy.
Hey, I'm proud of you. All right?
Now, look at me. I want you to punch them
right in the Adam's apple. Okay?
I want you to shatter their throat.
Hold on, hold on.
I'm sorry. Look, I'm having
a pang of guilt right now.
Full disclosure. Some of the elements
of my story weren't exactly true.
Um, the incessant crying, 100% true.
The constant bullying, absolutely,
it all happened, but I, uh...
I've never punched anyone in my life.
I could have told you that.
- Then what did you do?
- Yeah, what did you do?
Well, nothing at all.
In fact, sixth grade was so rough,
I changed my name to Devin Lacecock.
Why the hell would you tell him that?
I pretended to be blind for an entire
school year, just to elicit empathy.
Which was great until
they found me intently watching
an episode of MASH.
In fact, it got so bad,
my parents had to refinance
our house to put me in private school.
Let's just do that.
Can I go to private school, please?
No, Dylan, we can't do that.
Want to know why?
Because ever since that day,
I've always run away from conflict.
In fact, if I had a dad like Dusty
when I was your age, maybe
he could have taught me
how to stand up for myself.
So, wait. You're saying,
if I don't stick up for myself now,
I'll grow up to be a huge wussy like you?
Um, yes. That is the basic
gist of what I'm saying. Yes.
Okay. Then let's do this.
DUSTY: Come on, buddy, you got this.
Give me something. Come on.
Faster, harder, meaner, stronger.
You're fast, you're good.
You're a winner. You're a champion.
They got to let you off the leash, baby.
We got a little pit bull here.
That was really nice, you guys. Good job.
It was really fun to watch
the two of you working together
like a couple of great co-dads.
Yeah.
Co-dads. That's...
That's good stuff.
You know what?
In that same spirit of unity,
I want to show my gratitude
for your inviting me
to stay here and share moments like these.
Oh, about that, Dusty.
When I pulled you over there, actually...
No, what you've done here
does not go unnoticed.
And I repay my debts.
Look, Sara, I know how much
you want another child.
I think I can help
put a baby in there for you.
- Oh, my God!
- What are you saying?
- I mean I got a guy.
- Dusty, please! You got a guy?
Yes, I got a guy. A fertility doctor.
He's a buddy of mine.
I trained him for his first Ironman.
All right? Dr. Francisco is the real deal.
- Dr. Emilio Francisco?
- You've heard of him?
Oh, my God, yeah.
He's been on Dr. Oz like 10 times.
Yeah, he's one of the top five reproductive
endocrinologists in the country.
See? People wait years
to get an appointment with this guy.
Do you really think he would see us?
- Whoa, whoa, hold on.
- I know he would.
If anybody can help you
have a baby, he can.
Mommy's going to have a baby?
Cool! Can we name it Griff?
Oh, thanks, D-man.
Look, you guys,
I don't know if this is a good idea.
What, you don't wanna name your baby
after a black person?
- Is that it?
- No!
You probably want to name it something
really white, like Connor or Gordon.
Harland, or Scot with one T. Or Brad.
No, no, Griff is a lovely name.
I'm just saying,
I don't think it's a good
idea to get our hopes up,
because, in the end,
odds are, I'm going to let you down.
Okay, honey, but what if I promise,
promise, promise not to get my hopes up?
We could just try, right? It can't hurt.
Okay, sure.
But you can't get your hopes up.
No. I won't, I won't! Thank you!
I feel like you've already
gotten your hopes up.
- Where are you going?
- Nowhere!
- You calling your mother?
- No!
Okay, yes, but it's about something else.
It's not about something else.
Damn it, Brad, he set you up.
He used this fancy doctor
to get your wife back on the baby train.
When those test results come back
and prove that you can't give her a baby,
guess who's gonna be waiting
there cocked and loaded?
Well, I trust my wife, so we really don't
need to keep talking about it, okay?
Let me tell you a little story, Brad.
When Jeneane, my fourth, and I
were returning from our honeymoon,
she told me that
she had a 23-year-old kid.
Brazilian boy.
Said she had him real young.
So he moves in with us.
Doesn't speak a lick of English.
There are the usual tensions.
I try to assert my authority.
"Andreas, get your feet
off the furniture."
"Andreas, you're too old
to sleep in bed with Mommy."
"Andreas, you got to stay off the 'roids."
And he'd get mad,
and hit me with a car antenna.
Eh... Maybe that's the way kids are.
No. Not really.
So I adopt him,
help him get his citizenship.
The second the papers come through,
guess what happens?
I already know.
Bam! They shack up together in Barstow.
It turns out Andreas
- is her boyfriend, Brad.
- Mmm-hmm.
I did not see it coming.
I actually did, about one,
two words into your story.
The moral of this fable is,
it's good to know when you're beaten.
- You know I think the world of you, Brad.
- Thank you.
But if I'm being completely honest,
even I'm rooting for Dusty.
He's just so damn likeable.
You know, it's getting kind of late.
Shouldn't we just get back to work?
Okay, you win.
So where are we on The Panda Jam
numbers for next summer?
London, you still on the conference call?
Dusty Mayron, you crazy hijo de puta!
- (LAUGHS) Hey, what's up, Doc?
- (EXCLAIMING)
You look great, man. You still
rocking those Ironmans, huh?
Yeah, bro.
I just finished Brazil in 11:40.
- That's unbelievable.
- Yeah. Well, come on.
Ain't nothing on you, man.
Hey, my first race,
I'm limping across the finish line
when this ******* laps me.
I mean, come on, who wins an Ironman,
then decides to go around again?
Who does that?
It sounds exhausting.
Hey, I'm Dr. Francisco. You must be Sara.
Hi. (LAUGHS)
Dusty, you were not lying
about this one. Very nice.
And you weren't lying
about this one either.
You must be Chief Glowing Sack.
What? (LAUGHS)
Hey, come on,
I'm just lighting you up, man.
Come on, little hug.
Okay, come on back, y'all.
Let's take a look.
All right. So let's run it down.
I think we can safely say that your issue
has nothing to do with X-rays.
You know what, sweetheart, come here.
Let's see that pretty little hand.
Okay. Now put it right in here.
- Oh!
- Okay, you feel that?
- Yeah.
- Okay, that is not how you want
testicles to be shaped.
Really? It feels like all the other...
Hi.
Well, it cuts off blood flow, okay?
Limits potency.
You want them to...
You know what? Actually...
- Hey, Dusty!
- Hey.
- Why is he coming in here?
- Little help in here, please.
Oh, come on. You gotta put me
through this every time?
- Come on. Be a sport.
- All right.
Oh, my God! What are you doing?
Is this even ethical?
(GASPS) James and the Giant Peach.
(GULPS)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
It's okay, I gulp every time.
You see, this... This is what you want.
Plump and bulbous.
Glassy smooth, like
two Patrick Stewarts,
you know what I mean?
Don't embarrass me in front
of Sara like this anymore, okay?
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, sorry, bro.
So, ready to milk the cow,
see if we even got a sliver of hope here?
Hey, Dusty, come on, buddy. Want to
try to break your own record?
Oh, no, I'm good.
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, come on, man.
I'm doing you a favor here.
Give me something to brag
about at the next symposium.
All right, fine. You want to break
the record, I gotta break the record.
(LAUGHS) Yeah. Kid came to play.
Should I grab a big cup, too?
What? Stop screwing around.
Come on. We're burning daylight here.
(DOOR OPENS)
(WOMEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
(SIGHS)
(ALL GASPING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hello. Quick question.
How difficult would it be
for someone to whip up
a batch of your Cinnabons?
Would you need restaurant-grade ovens?
Bradsky. Could you
pass this along to Dusty?
It's his first resids check.
Disclaimer. It's more than you make.
- Don't get worried about it.
- How much more than...
Oh, and tell him, 8:30 sharp at my house.
He doesn't need to bring anything.
All right, buddy?
I've never been to your house.
No, you haven't.
SARA: Oh, my God, my hair, it looks awful.
Doesn't Mommy's hair look pretty?
- No. Next slide, please.
- DUSTY: Oh, okay.
- Slides. Fun.
- DUSTY: Aw...
Cool. You guys climbed that?
Yuck. Why are you guys kissing
in every single picture?
Oh, Mommy used to kiss Daddy a lot.
SARA: Married people kiss a lot.
DUSTY: Ready?
Wow, China.
I loved it there.
Dylan, you were created right
there on that wall, buddy.
- Really?
- Dusty, that's enough.
- DUSTY: Okay, next slide.
- (SARA LAUGHS)
That's where your mom and I met,
doing The King and I in summer stock.
SARA: God, that costume was so tight.
(LAUGHS)
Next slide, please.
Oh, my God.
- MEGAN: Is that baby me?
- SARA: Mmm-hmm.
All right, you guys, let's,
um, get ready for bed.
- Okay?
- DUSTY: It's story time, Mayron family!
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
MEGAN: We don't have to wait
for Mr. Whitaker, do we?
I really don't like you,
but that **** is heartbreaking.
(DOOR CLOSING)
MEGAN: Yay! Griff's home!
So the King raised his mighty sword
and rained steel down upon the Step King.
But the Step King
blocked it with his shield.
And swung his cat o'nine tails
into the King's smug face.
Which the King easily brushed aside
like the feather of a gull.
And then the King did counter
with a barrage of slashes
and thrusts so fast and precise
that the Step King had no way to parry.
BOTH: Yay!
But he did. He did.
He parried all of them.
- Easily. It was no big deal.
- BOTH: Aw.
Then he grabbed the King's
sword right out of his hand
and smashed it over his knee.
BOTH: Boo!
That's when the King pulled out
a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!
Which is completely anachronistic.
So if we're doing any time period,
then the Step King just happened to be
wearing Kevlar body armor.
- Concussion grenade!
- Hand grenade.
- Rocket launcher.
- Missile launcher.
- Air strike.
- Nuclear strike.
- Black hole.
- God.
We know what this comes down to.
The Step King was very upset
because when the real King
pulled out his sword,
it was long and shiny,
and the Step King
did shudder at the size of it.
And while the Step King acknowledged
that the King carried a mighty,
beautifully engraved broadsword,
all the maidens in the land
preferred the more average-sized
Step King's sword because
it knew how to listen.
- (SCOFFS)
- And the King needs to realize
he's a guest in his castle
and he better mind his P's and Q's
because the Step King
has had it up to here
with the King's bull****!
Brad said a naughty word.
Kids, I'm so sorry you had to hear
that inappropriate language.
Make sure you tell your mother.
Brad, can I talk to you
in the hall, please?
(SIGHS)
Brad, what just happened in there, man?
(WHISPERING) Look, the Step King
should not have
used inappropriate language in front of
the Prince and Princess, he admits that.
Why are you still saying it
like that, Brad?
We're out in the hall.
I don't know. I'm upset.
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- Hold on.
Oh-ho-ho! Hello?
Yeah, Brad's here, he's doing good.
Hey, it's Dr. Francisco.
He wants us all to come in tomorrow.
9:30 work for you?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Yeah,
we'll see you then.
All right, bud. Come on, man.
The doctor will be with you in a moment.
ALL: Thank you.
(SARA GRUNTING)
Hey, Brad, whatever happens
here, I just want you to know
that I'm proud of you for doing your best.
- Okay?
- Thank you.
Hello, hello. Okay.
I'm going to cut right to the chase.
Sara, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
Oh, God. That is a tough break. I'm sorry.
Damn, that is a real shame.
My heart is melting.
Yeah, it's a real shame, Sara.
A real shame that
you're gonna have to put up
with Brad here pounding away on you
over and over,
now that he's got a fighting chance
of getting you pregnant.
- (GASPING)
- What? Oh, my God!
- Holy moly!
- Oh, my God.
Hey, Doc, Doc, don't give them
a false sense of hope.
Remember what you said about
the blood flow and the screwy 'nads?
Yeah, well, Brad has you
to thank for that, Dusty.
Okay, in lab rats,
whenever another alpha male
comes around, it can spike testosterone,
driving up sperm counts.
Now, no guarantees, okay?
But with my help, Brad,
I think you got enough left in the tank
to make it all the way to baby town.
That's so wonderful. Thank you.
- BOTH: Thank you so much.
- Of course.
- Can we give you a hug?
- Oh, yeah. Come on in.
BRAD: Oh, my gosh.
- Did not expect this.
- Mmm...
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
You virile sea snake, you.
- I underestimated you, Brad.
- Yes, you did.
I can finally give Sara everything,
and it feels good.
Now, listen, this is what you need to do.
You need to go and pee outside
the room that Dusty sleeps in.
He's gonna smell your urine and know that
your virility is not to be taken lightly.
It's good advice.
I did it last year in the lobby.
Oh, I remember. It was a health hazard.
It scared the FedEx guy.
No, I'm going to take
the high road on this one.
Okay, fine, take the high road.
But jam a baby up in there
as quickly as you can, Brad.
Because, in the end, if Sara
does choose Dusty over you,
he has to be stepdad to your baby.
- How beautiful is that?
- (LAUGHS)
Come on, five it.
No. You know, it feels strange
to high-five over the custody
of my unborn child.
I've been on Dusty's team.
I'm trying to jump over
to the winning team Brad.
- Get on this.
- I'd really rather not.
I'm trying to share a moment
with you here. Please five me.
It feels... No, thanks.
- Got it!
- Wait. No.
- Sweet.
- It didn't count.
I love you, Brad.
It's not a binding high-five.
Fat beans in there.
- Dusty?
- Brad.
What can I do for you?
Oh, wow, that's some impressive up-downs.
Look, uh,
what you did for Sara and me,
that's a life-changer, and
I just wanted to say thank you.
And I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?
Well, here's the thing.
I mean, you show up,
here's this guy who's cool and exciting.
I guess I felt a little competitive, and
slightly insecure, and I start thinking,
well, maybe you want to challenge me.
But today you proved that
all you really care about
is our family's happiness.
Oh, man.
I'm humbled.
I mean it. And you know what?
You're right. I was challenging you, Brad.
- Yeah?
- The truth?
I see this new man in my kids' life.
He's kind and caring and successful,
and I don't even want to like you.
But I can't help it. I like you, Brad.
Really?
I was determined to push you out
and get my family back.
I was underhanded
and disingenuous about it.
I feel like a monster.
No. No, no, no.
(SIGHS)
At the risk of being disrespectful,
I want you to shut your mouth.
You are allowed
to have those feelings. Okay?
Heck, we're talking about
your own children here, for cripes' sake.
Clean slate?
Absolutely.
Come here.
(SIGHS)
You know what's funny?
You're not even sweating,
after doing all those push-ups.
That's exemplary.
(SIGHS)
Thank you, Dusty.
Thank you, Brad.
Oh, uh...
You know, all that stuff about pushing
me out and taking over my family,
I mean, we're through all that, right?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm here to defeat you
and take back my family.
That can't change.
But now I'll follow your noble example
and do it above board.
Honestly. Like a man. Like you.
But we just hugged. You said you like me.
Oh, I do like you, Brad, very much.
It doesn't make this any easier.
You know I'm gonna have to tell Sara
what you said in here today.
Of course.
It would be irresponsible not to.
She's not gonna like it.
She's gonna want you out.
You're right about that, Brad.
What the hell are you up to?
I just told you what I'm up to.
My head is spinning right now.
Hey, you got any sweet potatoes? Or yams?
Sweet potatoes or yams?
Griff, you know we have yams, all right?
You made me buy them for you.
I wanted to respect
your house by asking you
before I got them.
I didn't want to just go grab yams.
Okay, I appreciate that.
I'm dealing with something.
- Just go get the yams.
- All right.
Here's the thing. You're right, Dusty.
Yeah. I'm not going to tell Sara.
But I'm gonna prove to you
that I'm the best.
You can eat my dust, Dusty.
Christmas already?
Why didn't anybody tell me?
It's not. It's the middle of April.
- Daddy must have done this!
- BRAD: Ho, ho, ho, ho!
No, he didn't. (LAUGHS)
- Brad.
- Ho, ho!
Claus is the name.
Santa Claus, if you please.
But this Brad you speak of called me
all the way up at the North Pole.
He said his children were so sad because
their biological father had missed so many
Christmases and birthdays
and special family holidays,
so he asked me
to come here today so that Dusty
could experience one Christmas
with his kids before he leaves again.
Probably for a long, long time.
Ho, ho, ho!
Can we open presents?
You sure can, little girl.
I think they're from Brad.
In fact, all the presents are from Brad.
Let's see if any of the
presents are from Dusty.
Nope. Not one present from Dusty.
All from Brad.
Hey, kids, let's not forget
who got you a dog. Remember?
Hey, Tumor, quit humping Mrs. Claus!
(GROWLING)
Okay, I am officially worried about you.
Don't worry, Claus hasn't forgotten you.
Huh?
- For me?
- Yeah.
(GASPS)
Oh, my God, honey, it's beautiful.
I love it.
Wait, no! No! No, no. It's too much.
(TUMOR BARKS)
Oh, no, it looks like Tumor's
given away Megan's big gift.
(SCREAMING JOYFULLY)
A pony! A pony! A pony!
I know, it's a pony!
- Ho, ho, ho!
- (CONTINUES SCREAMING)
It's a pony, Dusty! A pony!
Can we name her Princess Elsa?
You can name him whatever you want,
because it's yours!
Brad, how can we afford a pony?
Where are we even going to put that thing?
I can clear out some stable
space in the garage.
Look, it's only half a horse.
Okay? Think of it like
a big dog, only a lot better.
Oh, what's this? What the heck?
It's tickets to tonight's
NBA playoff game...
- What?
- ...against Dylan's favorite team,
the Los Angeles Lakers?
Oh, thanks, Brad! You're the coolest!
I love you, Brad!
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Merry Christmas, Whitaker family!
GRIFF: Christmas?
How long was I asleep for?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
- You guys got enough candy?
- Yeah!
Remember, you can have anything
you want, 'cause it's Christmas!
No, it isn't. It's not Christmas, kids.
- BRAD: All right. Here we are.
- Oh, sick! We're this close?
Yeah. Pretty good, right?
Megan, you sit down right there.
Perfect. Dylan, you sit next to me.
And, Dusty, I'm so sorry. Yeah.
I could only get four in a row.
I couldn't get five.
So you're across the aisle,
next to that gentleman.
All right, guys, I'll be right here.
- We can still chat.
- Bye, Daddy.
Look, there's Kobe! It's him!
He's right there.
Thank you, Brad, this is the best present
I've ever gotten.
- You are so welcome.
- In my whole life.
I'm glad to hear it's the
best present you've ever got!
How much did these seats cost?
Not too much.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give a big welcome
to all the kids from Hearts of Courage.
Whoo! Hearts of Courage kids!
Proud of you, you're all miracles!
Whoo! I love kids!
All right, honey. That's plenty.
I just get excited
when I'm with my family!
Dusty! Dusty Mayron!
- Marco? Hey!
- (MARCO LAUGHS)
What's up, man? Are you coaching now?
Yeah, I'm the new strength
and conditioning coach.
- Oh, man.
- Check you out.
Hey, I played ball with him in Italy.
This is my family. My little guy, Dylan.
He's the biggest Kobe fan in the world.
Really? Well, come on down.
I'll introduce you.
- What?
- What? You hear that?
You want to meet Kobe?
MARCO: Bring the whole family down.
You guys can sit with the team.
Hey, this is my little girl, Megan.
She just invited me to her first
Daddy-Daughter Dance.
- So sweet.
- What did he just say?
What the hell did he just say?
Oh, sorry. He's okay.
No, I'm not okay. He's not okay.
- Honey, you need to calm down.
- No! I'm not gonna calm down.
She asked me first!
And now she's asking him?
No. It's not fair.
You know what, actually, it's very fair.
Okay? She has two dads.
She wants you both there.
You just have to accept that.
No, I'm not going to accept it. All right?
I do pick-up! I do drop-off!
Okay, I volunteer at school!
I listen to the tantrums and the crying
and the soundtrack of Frozen
that's on a goddamn loop all the time!
And he just waltzes in for a few days,
and now he gets to go as well? No!
No, she's got to choose.
It's either me or him!
- Megan, you got to choose!
- (SARA SHUSHING)
- You got to choose!
- SARA: Hey!
It's the biggest decision of your life!
Hey!
You know what? I'm going to pretend
you're not acting like a crazy person,
because I know you're very upset.
But you need to get over yourself. Okay?
Now go down there and
be happy with your kids.
No! A scalper gouged me 18 grand
for these seats. I'm not leaving them!
What?
- (STAMMERING)
- What did you just say?
Yeah. Nothing. Let's just... You're right.
(SIGHS) I'm so much more relaxed now.
Thank you.
Yeah. Let's just go down... Let's just...
No!
I think you should sit
in your $18,000 seats,
and think of all the better ways
your family could have used that money.
Sara.
The guy from the nuclear sub thing?
- Mayron! That's him.
- That's the guy?
Can I get some beers down here?
Can I get five beers?
Excuse me, some beers!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHEERING)
THE WHIP: What's up, everybody?
Let's make some noise!
Whoo-hoo!
Tonight, one lucky fan is going to
get a chance to shoot from half court
to win a family vacation to Disney World!
(ALL CHEERING)
And our lucky fan is sitting in
section 113,
row 6,
C-1. Where is he?
Let's see it. Where is he?
It's me. It's me, I win!
- There he is.
- I win.
I'm-a make it to Disneyland.
I'm-a make it all right.
- All right, Brad!
- Yay, Brad!
Yay, Brad!
All right, sir, how you doing?
What's your name?
First off, I love my kids.
He loves his kids! Let's give it up!
And if anyone was ever
to do anything to them,
- I would hurt them.
- Okay.
I would freakin' hurt them!
THE WHIP: Okay.
This guy over here is trying to take them!
Trying to steal my family.
He doesn't sweat!
Okay, you know what?
Why don't we just shoot...
But I got news for you, buddy!
Last night, while you were sleeping,
I made love to our wife!
- Okay.
- My wife!
BRAD: Sara, right over there!
Took my wiener out of my pants!
This is a family event, okay?
- Boo! Boo!
- All right.
So,
even if Sara does pick you,
you're going to have to be
the stepdad to my kid!
You see how you like it! Okay?
THE WHIP: Let's get somebody else
down here, all right? Somebody else...
Somebody else is going to win
a family trip!
Give me that ball, you.
This one's for Dylan and Megan
and Sara and Dylan.
Nothing but net.
THE WHIP: All right, he's going for it!
Nothing but net!
(GRUNTS)
- (GROANING)
- (ALL GASPING)
Do-over!
- That's a do-over!
- No do-over. No.
It's a do-over!
- (GROANS)
- (ALL GASPING)
(BRAD THUDDING)
(ALL APPLAUDING)
THE WHIP: I'm so sorry
you had to see that. I'm so sorry.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
SARA: Hey, kids, why don't you go inside
and put on your pajamas?
- What are you doing?
- I'm comforting you.
Sara, look... Sorry, too soon. I know.
But I just want you to know
that I'm here for you and the kids.
Oh, really? You want to be
a real parent now? Is that what this is?
Absolutely. I'm here now.
Dusty, I'm working crazy hours this week.
With Brad gone, the kids
are gonna have to be dropped off,
picked up, taken to swimming lessons.
Dylan has a play date with Eli on Tuesday,
and Megan has a dentist
appointment on Friday.
Sara, I know in the past
I've been unreliable,
but this is a new me. All right?
This is the new Dusty.
Well, you can't take them
to school on a motorcycle.
- You need a car.
- Done.
Okay.
Hey! You're not staying here!
Are you sure you don't need
company right now?
I mean, you're going through
a tough transition here.
Be here at 6:30 tomorrow morning.
Well, can I at least
come in and get my stuff?
No!
DUSTY: I'm gonna wait for a while,
in case you change your mind.
(SIGHS)
Hey.
Oh...
What did you throw Griff out for?
- This place is chaotic.
- (SCOFFS)
There's always some bull****
going on in that house.
God, man. Want to go to the Red Roof Inn?
Let's do it.
Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
(MUFFLED) Yes, sir.
DORIS: Okay. No running!
All right. Lindsey! Sloane!
Car's open right down there!
Okay, sir, inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Keep it inside...
That's right! Thank you.
(CAR ENGINE REVVING)
Hi. I see you've been picking up
Megan and Dylan these past few days.
Should I expect you from now on?
Um, yeah, I'm their real dad,
so yeah, from now on.
Terrific. I see that you also haven't
signed up to volunteer in the lane.
Brad was so good about
helping us out in the lane,
in the classroom, PTA, and so forth.
We could always count on him
for bake sales, Spring Sing,
costumes for Winter Pageant.
You know the drill.
I hope I can count on you
to be the new Brad.
Ah, sure, yeah. You can count on me.
I mean, I'm their real dad,
so, yeah, I'll be here every day.
Great. So, if your kids aren't out here,
I'm gonna need you to circle around
to the back of the line. Okay?
- No, I can't go around.
- Thanks.
I came ten minutes early
so I don't have to...
If your kids aren't here,
you have to go around!
I know. There's somebody
in front of me. Okay?
Just go around!
I can't just go over the
cones! I'm boxed in here!
- Go around!
- No, you can't! Okay?
She said stay in the cone, like ice cream!
- (HONKING)
- Go around!
DORIS: Inside the cones!
Amanda has got a recital!
I have to get there! You need to go!
(HORN HONKING CONTINUES)
(REVVING ENGINE)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
- DORIS: Hey!
We always stay inside the cones!
Cones! (GRUNTING)
Cones! Come on!
(MR. HOLT SIGHING)
Have you been living here
for the last few days, Brad?
No.
Then what's with the blankets
and the hot plate
and the B.O.?
I crapped in the wastebasket.
You know, Brad, two years
into my thing with Charlene,
her first husband showed up.
Oriental fellow.
You can't say that.
You cannot say "Oriental."
His name was Yu or Wu.
It could have been Javier.
Anyway, I get off early one day,
get home, and
there he is, stark naked in our bed.
I didn't know what to think.
Really? You didn't know what to think?
Six months later,
I wake up in a Chinese prison
with a tattoo on my lower back
of a golf ball rolling towards my butthole.
I can't hear these stories anymore.
I'm sorry. I know they're
supposed to help...
Griff! What are you doing here?
Thought you should know
Dusty came by the bar earlier.
He was talking about how
he can't do the daddy thing.
I tried to talk some sense into him, but
he seemed determined to get out of town.
What, he's leaving?
I don't think I have to tell you,
but little Megan's dance is tonight,
and she's not going to have a daddy.
That's fantastic. Brad, you win.
And Dusty, because of
an act of cowardice, loses.
I mean, you're the daddy again.
Come on, hit that.
(SIGHS)
No, I'm not her daddy.
I wish more than anything I was,
but I'm not.
Yeah, you're right, Brad. A real dad
wouldn't give up on his kids so easy.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Griff!
Wait!
He's still in the room, Brad.
Oh, hey.
Sorry. I thought you stormed out.
What you said sounded like a storm-out,
and then I heard the door close.
I just thought that ****
was getting kind of personal,
so it'd be good to close the door.
So extremely thoughtful. Thank you. Yeah.
And just so you know where my head was at,
I was going to chase you
down the hallway. Right?
You'd hear my footsteps and you're like,
"Is someone after... What's going on?"
Boom! It's me, and I'm like, "Griff, hey!
"You were right."
Holy ****! That would be so uplifting.
Can we do that?
Griff, can you storm out, and Brad,
you go after him?
I don't really want any part of that.
That sounds like pure nonsense to me.
I don't want... I'd rather not.
We could just try it, you know?
No, that sounds forced and weird to try to
recreate something. Not even recreate.
It would be creating. It didn't happen.
It's over-discussed at this point.
Shouldn't you go see your kid?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.
You guys go. Brad, can I come?
No.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Daddy's not coming, is he?
Oh, honey, he'll be here. He promised.
I see cupcakes over there.
I think you should go eat some. Go on.
Go eat a lot of sugar.
(VIBRATING)
Dusty.
- Nope.
- Come on, Dusty.
Where are you going?
I'd pay a billion dollars
to take her to that dance.
- You're just gonna leave?
- You take her then.
I can't take her. Okay?
I'm not welcome after I said
I was gonna put a spite baby
in her mother.
- I guess that's out, then.
- Yeah, that is out.
- So it's gotta be you.
- (SIGHS)
I'm sorry, Brad,
I just can't do it, all right?
What do you mean, you can't do it?
I can't stay inside the cones.
Look, Dusty, the cones are
there for everyone's safety.
- It's not about the cones.
- You just said it was.
The cones are a metaphor, Brad.
I'm not the domestic type, okay?
Dusty, come on.
What are you talking about?
You're organized, you're handy.
You make the best cinnamon rolls
I have ever tasted.
Those were Cinnabons, Brad. Come on.
You can't make rolls like that
in a conventional oven.
I knew it! I knew it.
I knew it from the beginning!
So you've been telling
some tall tales, huh?
- All that Special Ops stuff.
- No, just the Cinnabons!
Why would you lie about Cinnabons?
'Cause I wanted to win. All right?
I wanted to prove that
I was a good dad, too, but I'm not.
Okay? Are you happy?
Is that what you want to hear?
All the noise and the mess
and all the choices.
You do one thing wrong,
you can screw them up for life.
- Do you realize that?
- Yeah.
Dads have to make a lot of choices, okay?
And we blow most of them.
Yeah, and the other parents.
That kid, Eli. I was over there
for a play date. You know about this?
You can't just ride your bike
over to a friend's house,
to play Hot Wheels anymore,
now you got to make some kind of date?
- I know, it's a shame.
- Well, I'm over there,
and the kid's dad keeps
asking me if Dylan's gonna be
in the gifted program with Eli.
Like Dylan isn't as smart as
his little ball-scratcher kid.
I wanted to murder that smug prick.
Dusty, look, I hate that guy, too, okay?
But his son is Dylan's best friend,
so you suck it up.
(STUTTERING) I mean, that's most of
what dads do, is take ****.
I mean, that's what we do.
I can't do it, Brad.
I can't take **** like you do.
You take **** better than
anyone I've ever met,
and I mean that as a compliment
from the bottom of my heart.
- Thank you.
- But I'm sorry, Brad. I can't.
I can't do it, man.
You made a promise to Megan,
and you're gonna keep it.
Ow!
(GROANING)
Did you just punch me in the face, Brad?
Ow, yes.
Knowing full well I got no choice
but to bust you up now?
I really wish you wouldn't.
If I did, you'd take that beatdown
for those kids, wouldn't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I would.
- Come on.
- Good luck, Dusty.
What? No, no, you gotta come.
It's just... I can't see Sara
after what I said.
Sara loves you, Brad. All right?
I know just what to say to her.
You just stand there
and look lost without her.
- I am lost without her.
- Well, that's good. Then let's go.
- But I look terrible.
- Yeah, you do. Come here.
- What are you doing?
- I'm fixing you up, man.
Dusty, get your hands out of my pants.
Calm down. Think I want to
touch your little dinky?
I'm trying to fix you up.
All right. Let me see.
Wow. I look great.
Here you go.
- That's incredible.
- Come on.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
SARA: Hey, pumpkin.
Daddy wanted to be here,
I know he did. He just gets...
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Uh-oh.
She's doing her arms-folded thing.
You said she'd smile.
Maybe even start a slow clap.
Don't worry, I got this. Okay? Come on.
Oh, hey, look, it's the guy that
stranded his kids at school.
And look who he's with.
Did you get anybody pregnant
on your way over here, Brad?
No, I didn't.
- DUSTY: Sara, listen...
- No!
- Sara, please.
- No. I am not going to listen to you.
You know what? Your daughter's been
sitting there for two hours, heartbroken.
Sara, I am so sorry...
Oh, just, please. Will one of you idiots
just ask your daughter to dance?
- Really?
- SARA: Yes.
Neither one of you deserves her, but yes.
- Go ahead, Dusty.
- No, you take the first one.
You've earned it more than I have.
Dusty, please, she's your daughter.
What the hell did I miss?
I'll tell you what. I'll vouch for you
to the kids and I'll take the first dance.
I'll say my good-byes,
and then I'll get out of your hair.
Wait, wait. When you say
"get out of your hair,"
you mean leave, like leave-leave? Tonight?
Daddy! Brad! The fourth graders are here.
They're picking on Dylan again.
That's it.
Those little ****heads are dead.
Where are they?
DUSTY: Those are the fourth graders?
- They're girls.
- Uh-huh. They're so mean.
Why are you even here at
the Daddy-Daughter Dance?
Are you a daughter? Are you a girl?
Are you too scared to take me on
without your little friends?
- Oh, no, he's calling out the big one.
- Oh-oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
Come on!
Dylan!
- (ALL GASP)
- Yes!
- Dylan, what are you doing?
- Did you see? Did you see?
I punched her in the face,
just like you taught me.
- What?
- And then I kicked her right in the nuts.
You like that, *****? Huh?
- No, no, no!
- You want some more, *****?
Sweetheart, what happened?
What's going on here?
He punched me in the face.
Then he kicked me in the swimsuit area.
Then he called me the "B" word.
Who did, him?
He did. I saw it.
He said they taught him to hit girls.
No, no. We thought
your daughter was a boy.
- What?
- No, what he means is that
Dylan told us that a fourth grader
was picking on him,
but he didn't tell us it was a girl.
Yeah, and if you had, we'd have told you
it's never okay to hit a girl.
And that she's probably only bugging you
because she likes you, buddy.
I do not like him.
Oh, I think she likes him.
Ah, gross, whatever.
She totally does.
Are you calling my daughter a whore?
- What?
- They were implying it, Jerry.
Wait. That's quite a stretch.
Mrs. Troy, please. I got this.
Wait, first of all, which one
of you two is the kid's dad?
They both are.
(GASPS)
Oh, my gosh. Wow!
I'm sorry. That's the first time
he's ever referred to me as Dad.
It's something I've wanted to hear
for a long time, so it's a bit poignant.
I tend to cry a lot
when things get emotional.
They tease me all the time.
- I'm actually the stepdad.
- Oh, is that right?
So you're the real dad, huh!
Hey. You don't want to
embarrass yourself, buddy.
You threatening me now, tough guy?
- He's threatening you, Jerry.
- Nobody's threatening anybody.
But you're gonna want to
back that up, Jerry.
And you, Squidward tie.
Quit being an instigator,
or I'm gonna have to rap you in the mouth.
(YELPS)
Hey, hey, hey. Everyone just calm down.
We're at the Daddy-Daughter Dance.
You stay out of it, all right?
You don't count!
I want to talk to the real dad here.
Hey, Brad here is more of
a real dad than any of us.
You ever want to see how you should be
raising your kids, go look at this guy.
Here I go again. What did I tell you?
- Really? You mean that?
- Yes, I do, Brad.
You're a great dad.
(ALL GASPING)
- Like that?
- You shouldn't have done that.
Yeah? Why?
I'm pretty sure he kills people for a job.
He's been rather vague with me,
but that's what I'm kind of surmising.
- Are we gonna do this?
- DUSTY: Oh, we're gonna do it.
- Okay. You ready?
- DUSTY: Yeah, I'm ready.
- This is what you get.
- MEGAN: Daddy.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Want another one? Come on in.
What's going on?
Is this like some UFC ****?
DUSTY: Come on, Brad.
That's right. It's a dance, Jerry.
Yeah. So dance, Jerry!
Yeah! You just got served, Jerry!
You just got a piping hot serving.
I'm not getting served.
You're getting served!
You don't know this about me, Jerry,
but I like to move my body.
Get it, Brad!
(ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
Yeah! Yeah, Brad!
This is a dance! Let's go!
(ALL CHEERING)
(LAUGHING)
Am I the only one with my shirt off?
You know you can't leave, right?
You want me to stay?
These guys are growing up so fast.
You don't want to miss it.
You're sweating profusely.
- I know. I sweat a lot.
- That's cool.
Thank you.
BRAD: So Dusty did stay.
And with the huge amount of money
he was making as the voice of The Panda,
he built his own new castle
right down the street.
Hey!
But we kept Tumor because he didn't
get along with Dusty's new puppy.
(WHIMPERING)
It turns out Tumor was only five...
- (TUMOR GROWLING)
- ...so we're going to have him
for a long, long time.
- BRAD: Tumor!
- (DOORBELL RINGING)
And I was more than a little surprised
when Dusty showed up one day
with his new wife
and his new stepdaughter.
This is my stepdaughter, Adriana.
- Hey, Adriana. I'm Brad.
- Want to go play?
That's your brother and sister.
You guys play nice, okay?
Hey, hon. Who's at the door?
Oh, hey, Sara. This is my wife, Karen.
Oh, is it... Your wife?
SARA: That Karen, wow, she is so great.
It turns out she's
a doctor and a celebrated
novelist. I mean...
Hon, would you...
- Come here, Griff. Come here, Griff. Oh!
- KAREN: He's so cute.
SARA: And I was so surprised when
I found out that we're the same age.
I mean, she looks so young, right?
Good for her!
Honey, you look amazing tonight.
(LAUGHS) What are you talking about?
It's just my normal clothes.
That's how I look.
I just got ready really fast.
Hey, Griff. Hey, little Griffy.
You want to come to Daddy?
What, you think I'm going to
pick his pockets or something?
- BRAD: No.
- He doesn't carry a wallet.
Oh, sweetie, be careful
with that knife, okay?
You're not my dad.
DUSTY: Brad was right.
Being a stepdad isn't always easy.
But he was also right that it's worth it.
And he was right about the Ford Flex, too.
It's a great family car.
Got plenty of room for the kids,
gear, and plenty of pickup for me.
I got the Weekender package.
A few more bells and whistles than Brad's,
but Brad doesn't need to know that.
(MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING)
(GASPS) Daddy!
Sweetie, I've been waiting for you to...
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
I heard a gulp.
DUSTY: (STAMMERS)
Well, a little bit, maybe.
- BRAD: Sure.
- There you are.
BRAD: He's a lot bigger than you.
He's got legs for arms.
Little star, guess what?
I like him. I like him a lot.
Yeah. I bet you he's
going to like us, too.
- BRAD: Remember, Loving Fence.
- DUSTY: Yeah.
BRAD: Just go say hi.
Yeah, look, I got this, buddy. Watch.
Hey. You must be Roger.
Nope.
(TUNING RADIO)
DUSTY: (SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
JASON SINCLAIR: Caught Kenny G.
At the United Center this weekend.
Man, can that guy put on a show.
20,000 people on their feet
for the entire four hours.
You're listening to Jason Sinclair.
This is The Panda.BRAD: Here's a question for you.
What do kids need more? A father or a dad?
What's the difference?
The way I see it, darn near
anyone can be a father...
(ROARING)
...but not everyone has the patience
or the devotion to be a dad.
As for me...
Anybody caught a Monarch yet?
...I've always wanted to be a dad.
Let me tell you, I love it!
Yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
And I love my Ford Flex.
It treats me to a smooth ride,
and you know what?
It didn't break the bank.
Room enough for the whole family.
Yes, I love being a dad.
And I love these two adorable
little rays of sunshine.
Hey, Dylan! Good morning.
Whatever.
BRAD: Okay. I'm not their real dad.
Good morning, Mr. Whitaker.
- I'm their stepdad.
- Good morning, Megan.
Can you please put this on the fridge?
Well, sure. Did you do
another drawing of our family?
- Uh-huh.
- Huh?
That's me and Dylan and Mommy.
So great.
And over here, far, far away,
is you.
Oh? And am I wearing a baseball cap?
That's the knife in your head
'cause I was killing you in the eye.
Oh, I see.
Well, I love how you drew my hair.
That's poop.
Well, it's well-drawn.
And I'm guessing it's dog poop?
That's homeless man poop.
Oh.
All right. (SIGHING)
BRAD: I actually can't
father my own children,
ever since I hit a little
snafu at a dental office.
(MUFFLED) I've got
a little bit of a gag reflex.
Uh, close your eyes, breathe through
your nose, you'll be fine.
Oh. Okay.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(MACHINE SQUEAKING)
(BEEPS)
Oh, you got a really weird tongue.
You need to floss better.
BRAD: Ever since then, my testicles have
been more decorative than anything else.
Hey!
And I thought I'd never have a family.
Until I met a stunning mom named Sara.
Would you look at her?
I am one lucky so-and-so.
I hit the jackpot.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry I'm taking so long.
I have to show that Sixty West
building to those new clients.
- I know.
- (GASPS)
- Oh, my God! The kids' lunches.
- Already packed. I wrote them
little inspirational notes
to start them on their day.
They've already eaten their breakfasts,
and you look perfect.
You are amazing.
Look at this, huh? Another family drawing.
Oh, no. I am so sorry.
No, I think you're misunderstanding.
This is the first drawing
where I'm not dead already.
Sure, I've got a knife in my eye
and some homeless man poop on my head,
(SIGHING)
but this is showing real progress.
I think she's starting to accept me.
You can find the good
in just about anything.
I love that about you. You know that?
Thanks.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello. I'm home.
Hey.
How was the, uh...
What's wrong?
He won't talk to me.
He said he only wants to talk to you.
You want to talk to me?
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
- You mean me and your mom?
- Mmm-mmm.
- Just me? By myself?
- Mmm-hmm.
Sure. I'm...
I'm totally free. Let's go to the den.
We'll sit there.
We'll sit.
We can do it sitting or standing?
Doesn't matter. We're just gonna do it.
We're not gonna overthink it.
Yeah. Great. Okay, good.
Just the men, yeah.
A little rap session. Great.
(WHISPERING) Oh, my God.
I just want you to know that
I'm just here to listen. All right?
No judgments, no lectures,
just a compassionate ear.
- Well, there are these kids at school...
- Mmm-hmm.
...and they're bigger than me,
because they're fourth graders.
- (SHUTTER CLICKING)
- And...
Oh, was that weird?
I'm sorry, I'm just...
It's a big moment for me,
and I'm just trying to capture it.
It just came off awkward.
So, go ahead, continue telling
your story. Fourth graders.
Anyway, there are
these fourth graders, and...
He actually confided in me.
I mean, it was that father-son feeling
I've been dying for,
and it was even better than
I thought it was gonna be.
(SIGHS) I mean, he really needed me. Me.
That is so great, honey.
He even said not to tell you.
So I'm actually totally betraying
his trust right now. (CHUCKLES)
What are we gonna do about
those little snot-nosed fourth graders?
Oh, I think it's going to be fine.
He's going to try to do some
trust falls on the playground.
Really? You think that's gonna work?
As long as they catch him. Yeah.
Hey, Brad.
Yeah?
If I ask you something,
you promise you won't cry again?
Of course, sweetie. What is it?
Well, at school,
they told us about this thing,
and it's called a Daddy-Daughter Dance.
(GASPING)
So, do you want to go with me?
(SOBBING)
You said you wouldn't cry, Brad.
I'm not. Megan, yes. A million times yes.
I thought big people
weren't supposed to cry.
I think it's sweet that he's
crying like a little *****.
(GASPS) Megan!
You are not supposed
to call people that word.
You know what? It takes a real
man to show his emotions.
(SOBBING LOUDLY)
All right, that's a bit much.
VIZZINI: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
FEZZIK: Anybody want a peanut?
(ALL LAUGHING)
BRAD: We were finally becoming a family.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- I'll get it!
After being pushed away
and treated like an outsider,
I was finally becoming
the dad that I always knew I could...
Daddy!
Hi! Where are you?
Where's Cameroon?
Is that gunfire? Cool!
MEGAN: Daddy, Daddy!
I want to talk to Daddy.
Hi, Daddy.
Good.
- So your ex is calling, huh?
- (SIGHS) Yeah.
What a treat for the kids.
It's been a long time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
We're watching a really funny
movie with Mommy and Brad.
Oh, Brad is Mommy's new husband.
Wait. He doesn't know about me?
Well, I haven't talked to him
in six months.
We've been married eight months.
Brad, Daddy wants to talk to you.
- No! No, no. Don't, don't...
- I'm just going to say hi.
You don't need to do that. Brad, don't.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you, sweetie.
Hello, Dusty?
Super to make your acquaintance.
In fact, I just wish
I could shake your hand
and offer to buy you a cold one.
- Tomorrow?
- What?
BOTH: Daddy's coming! Yay!
Oh, yeah, I guess I could pick you up.
- (WHISPERS) No.
- Hmm?
It's Whitaker.
W-H-I-T-A-K-E-R. (CHUCKLES)
No, I'm not comfortable giving you
my Social Security number over the phone.
Uh, okay, yeah, my credit score is 752.
I'm very proud of that. (CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry? What sort of fighting styles
am I proficient in?
I don't know if I've ever been
asked that before.
Hello, Dusty, hello, hello? Hmm...
I lost him.
What just happened?
Did you just invite him to come here?
Is he coming tomorrow?
Well, I didn't know
he'd accept my offer so soon.
I mean, he really jumped at it.
Remember when I said he was like Jesse
James and Mick Jagger had a baby?
Yeah, I just thought maybe
he was really skinny and
jittery, and had like a little bit
of a British accent, or something.
He's wild and he's crazy.
That's why I fell in love with him.
Then you end up with two kids.
And I'm stuck there holding the bag and
he's nowhere to be found.
It doesn't matter how much love or passion,
or you can't breathe without each other.
All of that stuff is stupid in comparison.
When you have kids,
you have responsibilities.
He doesn't understand that.
Honey, this is actually a good thing.
- (SIGHS)
- I'll welcome Dusty into our home,
and we'll establish some kind
but firm boundaries.
All right? It's what Step-By-Stepdad
calls "setting up a Loving Fence."
A Loving Fence?
Wow, that sounds really great, honey.
But your self-help books
have never met Dusty Mayron.
He sounds like a rascal, but I don't
think it's anything I can't handle.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
PANDA SINGER: Check. Check, check.
Chinese Checkers,
Czech, Czech Republic, pop,
sibilance, sibilance, pop,
one, two, six, seven,
check, check, check, check.
What do you got for me, Brad?
Oh, Mr. Holt, hello. Well, hopefully
the new voice of The Panda.
Oh, listen.
I gotta leave early today. I gotta go
pick up my wife's ex at the airport.
Jesus, kid, how'd you
draw that **** detail?
Brad, why do you want
this deadbeat in your home?
Well, it's not that I want him in my home,
it's just that the better
stepparenting books
say that the worst thing you can do
for the kids is to push out the biological.
You're in the danger zone here,
Brad, and let me tell you why.
Kids that grow up without their dads
always end up obsessing over them.
Most of the hook-ups
that I've had in my adult life
have been with women
that had daddy issues.
I don't know if this is
an appropriate story.
Look, my wife would kill me
if she knew I was telling you this.
Well, then you shouldn't tell me this.
When I met her in Denver...
You're going to tell
the story, aren't you?
...she was a topless maid.
- Ninety-nine bucks an hour.
- Mmm-hmm.
Never met her father.
But who did she meet? Me.
And who did treat her like ****? Me.
I eventually loved her,
but every time she got out of line,
I'd just pull the Humvee over
and ask her to get out politely.
And then I'd drive away.
Guess what?
She showed up at home every time.
This story has no relevance
to my situation.
Oh, it doesn't at all.
It's just a good story.
So, Pete, are we going
to hear this guy, or what?
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
I'm sorry.
Keep it up, Brad.
You and I will fight in the parking lot.
BRAD: So today is the day I'm finally
meeting the father of my children.
Am I nervous? You're darn right I am.
But who wouldn't be? (SIGHS DEEPLY)
And here's the thing.
I mean, Pepe, you know, kids...
...they see through things and,
at the end of the day,
they know who's been around...
Holy balls!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I hope that's not him.
(GULPING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
There is no doubt this man
is your better in every way.
Well, you're kind to say that. Thank you.
Yeah, I feel pretty good.
- Hey, you Dusty?
- Nope.
What?
Are you sure?
Are you Dusty... No, you're not Dusty.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(ON RADIO) You've got
Jason Sinclair on The Panda,
the station everybody
in the office can agree on.
What is this?
Now if you're up in Wolf Trap this weekend,
do yourself a favor and check out...
(DOOR OPENING)
Hey! Where have you been?
I called you like 100 times.
(SIGHS) I know, my phone died. Look...
This motorcycle, is this...
Yes. He's here.
- He's here?
- Yes.
What's he doing inside there?
He's giving the kids
all kinds of Starbursts.
Starbursts? God damn it!
Sorry. Sorry. (EXHALES)
I'm a hot habanero pepper right now.
I got a few bullet points I want to
bring up with our friend Dusty,
starting with airport etiquette,
courtesy and expectation.
MEGAN: Oh, good story, Daddy!
You like that story? It's all true. Hey!
Who wants some more Starbursts and
a couple of uncirculated silver dollars?
So you are Dusty.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I sure am. You must be
the new and improved husband.
Bring it in, big guns.
I already met you at the airport.
No, I don't recall that, friend.
Yeah, I walked right up to you
and asked if you were Dusty.
I'm pretty sure I'd remember
a heavy hitter like yourself.
(SCOFFS)
Well, must have been my mistake.
All right, that was me at the airport.
- Yeah, I know that.
- The truth is,
I saw you before you saw me,
and I'm thinking,
"This is the guy who's raising my kids?"
"And damn it if he doesn't
look like the real deal."
I mean, look at you.
You figured it out, didn't you?
You cracked the code.
(CHUCKLES) I don't know about that.
Don't play that humble game with me.
He is so humble. He's just too humble.
Honey, you got it goin' on.
Everybody says so.
Yeah, I got it goin' way on.
So you can understand
why I panicked at the airport.
- I froze, Brad. I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
Look, these are tricky waters to navigate.
They sure are, man. I mean,
that is insightful.
You know, I thought it was weird Sara
didn't tell me about you before.
I thought, what's she hiding?
And now I know.
A champion.
Hey, Brad! Did you see Dad's motorcycle?
Isn't it cool?
BRAD: It sure is.
What is that, an Indian?
Yep.
I believe they're manufactured
in Minneapolis.
I've never been, but that's the setting
for The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
And... What's the other... Rhoda.
Which I want to say was a spin-off.
Damn! You really know
your bikes, Brad. You ride?
Uh-huh. Yeah!
- Really?
- BRAD: Yeah.
I mean, not anymore. I did, you know,
back in college. I had a, um...
I had a Kawa-saki? Kawasaki Nine.
Yeah.
With the fenders and the...
The broil joint. So...
Well, you should get on her, man. Come on!
Take her out, see what she can do.
She's got a lot of power.
Oh, no, no, no.
Yeah, Brad! Brad... Please!
No. Hey, come on, kids. It's time for bed.
It's way past your bedtime.
Let's brush your teeth.
All right, come on, guys,
listen to your mom. Hey, look...
(STUTTERS) I don't want to overstep, but
it would mean the world to me
if I could tuck in our two little blessings.
Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course.
They're your kids. Tuck away.
Oh, thank you for that, Brad.
The King messed up. He messed up bad.
He thought he could just
ride off to slay dragons,
and his Queen would always be
waiting for him.
And then one day the King received word
that his dominion was being ruled over
by some curly-headed Step King
with good credit?
Oh, no!
Well, the King rode hard up on his lands,
and when he arrived,
he did gaze fondly upon the Queen,
remembering their good times together,
for he had known her in her prime,
when she was down for anything,
and I do mean anything.
Psst...
Sounds like your dad's spinning
quite a yarn. Mind if I listen in?
Oh, actually, it's getting late.
You two need to get some sack time.
BOTH: No, we want more story, please!
Hey, I'd love to be in here all night,
but let's be respectful of Brad's rules,
no matter how arbitrary they seem.
All right?
Good night, my little golden treasures.
Good night, my little magical cherubs.
- Here comes some butterfly kisses.
- (GIGGLING)
And some Eskimo kisses.
Good night, buddy.
Sleep tight. Sleep tight.
Hey, who wants good-night tickles?
- BOTH: Me!
- (DUSTY CHUCKLES)
Good night, my little breath of God.
Good night, my little Jesus teardrop.
I almost forgot, my famous
good-night back scratches.
- Oh, so relaxing, so relaxing.
- (SIGHING)
Good night, sweetie bear.
Hey, who wants twenty bucks?
- BOTH: I do! Me!
- Twenty dollars?
- What?
- Oh, yeah.
One for you, and one for you.
I don't know if that's appropriate.
Ah, don't worry about it.
BRAD: Okay. Good night.
So, uh, if you want to, why don't you
come by tomorrow after school?
Might be a good time to...
What about the cold one?
The cold one?
You promised me
a cold one and a handshake.
Cold one. One cold one, coming up.
Great. I'll grab my jacket,
we'll go outside.
Perfect. All right.
Hey! Psst...
What are you doing?
What are you guys buddies now?
No. I mean, I offered him a cold one.
I really should honor
the cold one promise.
(SIGHS) Fine. You give him a cold one,
and then you get rid of him, okay?
You put up your Loving Fence,
- remember?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Then you come to bed.
- Okay.
- Will do.
- Okay.
DUSTY: What you got going on over here?
Oh, uh, that's a treehouse. A little, uh,
bonding project for Dylan and I.
Yeah, we've been at it
for about two months.
DUSTY: It's looking good.
BRAD: Thank you.
So, Dusty, how long do you think
you're going to be in town for?
Well, Brad, the truth is,
I'm wheels-up a week from tomorrow.
Time to get out there and
kick some ass for America.
Oh, I see. So you're a soldier?
Nope.
Oh, so you're a, uh...
Yep.
Yep, what?
(CHUCKLES) You don't want to know
any more than that, Brad.
Okay.
Um, listen, Dusty, I think that we should
set up a visitation schedule.
Right? That way, you feel like
you have ample time with the children...
Why don't we cut the ****, Brad?
No, we don't have to cut the ****.
You want to know what I'm doing here,
why don't you quit looking at
whatever you wrote on your hand?
Be a man and ask me, Brad.
Okay. What are you doing here?
Now, we both know kids need
a single primary male role model.
Sara's made her choice.
I'm man enough to
let that role model be you.
I will vouch for you with my children.
I will give them my sacred
permission to trust you.
To love you and to
call you Dad.
You'd do that for me?
No.
But I will do it for them.
That is what you want, isn't it, Brad?
More than anything in the world.
He played you.
You just got so played out there.
I know it looks that way, 'cause
I promised I would ask him to leave,
and then I invited him to stay for a week,
but he didn't play me.
You know what he did? He cut the ****.
- Oh, he did?
- And I gotta say, it was refreshing.
I think more of us could stand
to just cut the ****, you know.
- Right.
- In one conversation,
he just blew by
eight chapters in my stepdad book.
I mean, this is gonna be so good
for me and the kids.
Oh, baby, you have no idea
who you're dancing with.
Dusty gets into your head,
- that's what he does.
- (WHIRRING)
(MUFFLED) He has a very impressive,
rugged bravado,
there's no question. But I gotta say,
I think in here, there's
a soft, soft creamy center.
You know? I think he feels a lot.
He just... He needs
someone with this, a big ear.
And I got them. Mmm.
Oh, good morning, Dusty.
- Hey.
- You're up and at 'em.
- (OVEN TIMER DINGS)
- Yeah, I got up early
- and did a quick 20.
- Really?
- Twenty minutes of what?
- Oh, twenty miles.
Did a little light sparring,
then I whipped up
a pan of piping-hot
cinnamon rolls for my family.
And I made one for you, too.
Wow. That's very impressive, thank you.
- DUSTY: Good morning, gang!
- Ooh, it smells yummy!
Our real dad's a super,
super-duper good cook!
- Mmm-hmm.
- Here you go, guys.
Yeah, it looks an awful lot like Cinnabon.
Well, thank you, Brad.
What a nice thing to say.
Mmm, it tastes exactly like Cinnabon!
In fact, same shape,
same swirl, same frosting.
Now you're starting to embarrass me,
but I do appreciate the compliment.
Good morning, Sar-bear!
- Morning.
- Hey, listen, guys,
Brad and I had a talk last night
about the importance of family.
And now that everyone's here,
I wanted to say a few words, okay?
I think that would be great.
Hey, kids, you know, families can be
ever-growing and changing things.
And sometimes someone new
knocks on the door of your heart
and you're not sure if you
have room in there for one more.
But there's someone here now
that I hope you guys can learn to love.
Okay?
(WHISTLING)
- Come here, boy!
- (GROWLING)
BOTH: A doggy! Yay!
You brought a dog home?
Yeah. Is that a problem?
I mean, you seemed
really into it while I was teeing it up.
No, I thought you were talking about me.
- Oh, but you're not a dog, Brad.
- No... (SCOFFS)
Look, last night, when we talked...
Oh, yeah. Well, listen,
that's got to happen organically.
Why can't it happen now?
It just can't.
You're dirty.
SARA: Dusty, how old is that thing?
I'd guess him to be around 15.
I mean, I found him this morning,
living in a storm drain.
I named him Tumor,
because of how much he grows on you.
BOTH: Mommy, can we keep Tumor, please?
Oh, I'm gonna leave this one up to Brad.
BOTH: Please, Brad! Please!
Why is he looking at me like that?
- (GROWLING)
- He's only looking at me.
Maybe we just get a puppy instead?
A puppy, Brad? What are they
going to learn from a puppy?
An old dog like Tumor here's
been out in the world, man. Living free.
Fighting for survival and seeing things
we can only dream of.
Just look at the wisdom
in those cloudy eyes.
Besides, you know what happens
to old dogs at shelters.
He's gonna have to walk the green mile
as soon as he gets there.
No, Brad, no! Don't kill our dog!
I hate you!
Okay. Okay. Fine.
He can live out his few
remaining weeks with us.
Yay! Thanks, Brad.
I don't hate you anymore.
He's going potty!
SARA: Oh, my God.
We'll clean it up. We don't mind.
Look at that.
The dog's already
teaching them responsibility.
Hey, guys, when you got to
pick up the potty, use gloves.
- He's definitely got worms in his poo.
- (BOTH GROANING IN DISGUST)
(SIGHS)
SARA: Dusty!
Can you please move this thing?
I can't get my car out of the garage.
Hey, Brad, do you mind?
I want to grab a quick shower.
Yeah, sure, no problem.
- Hey, honey.
- Hi, sweetie.
It's blocking everything.
No, I know. I know, don't worry.
We're on top of it.
What are you doing? Brad, I don't...
Hey! Stay away from that, please.
(GRUNTS)
Honey, what are you doing?
- (ENGINE REVVING)
- (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
I don't know if that's a good idea, Brad.
Dusty!
It's vibrating up into my shoulders.
Hey, it's okay, Brad.
Look, she's a lot of bike, man.
No, I'm good. Why don't you go
back in and take that shower,
so you can get a shirt on?
Oh, you got it.
Hey, you look good on that, man.
Remember, one down, four up.
Dusty, everyone knows it's one down...
- (SCREAMING)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(CRASHING)
Did Brad just die?
I think we all need to prepare ourselves
for that possibility, pumpkin. Okay?
Brad!
Brad!
- (BRAD GROANING)
- (GASPING)
Oh, my God.
- (COUGHING)
- Brad, are you all right?
No, I'm not all right.
I'm in the wall. I'm scared.
Oh, honey.
Jeez, Brad, I thought you said
you could ride.
I can ride, okay.
Would you get a shirt on?
I think if you could ride, you wouldn't
be stuck in a wall right now, Brad.
SARA:
Yeah. I'm sorry to say it, but he's right.
You almost killed the kids!
DUSTY: Let's not beat up
on Brad here. Okay?
He was showboating for the kids
a little bit, and things got out of hand.
Let's all just be grateful
nobody got hurt. Okay?
I got hurt!
Okay, kids, listen up.
This is a good lesson
on why you never wanna lie
about your ability to do things
you clearly can't do, okay, huh?
I think my arm is stuck in the wall.
DUSTY: Brad, just stay still.
I'll get you out.
No, no, no, no, no. No, don't do anything.
And would you please
just go and get a shirt on?
Just calm down, all right?
- (SARA SCREAMING)
- (GROANING)
Hey, I'm really sorry about
what happened to your car.
Yeah, and I'm sorry about
what happened to your bike.
Oh, no damage. Not a scratch.
- Oh, not even one scratch?
- Unbelievable.
(LAUGHS) That's so good.
(ROOF THUDS)
Let's keep it going! Inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Morning, Jerry.
Got to keep it inside the cones!
No, Daddy! You're supposed
to stay in the cones!
Whoa, whoa! Inside the cones!
- Inside. Bring her in. That's better.
- (SIGHS)
Let's keep those kids safe today, okay?
Thank you, Brad.
Sorry, Doris.
It's okay. This whole drop-off line thing
can be a bit overwhelming
if you're not used to it.
Yeah, well, I've landed a chopper
in the middle of a Cuban prison riot,
Brad, I think I'm good.
(BEEPING)
Bye, guys! I love you guys so much.
Have a great day, okay?
- Bye, Daddy!
- Make sure you do all your work.
Bye, guys. Have the best day.
I love you so...
BRAD: Here's the exciting thing.
We just opened up in our 68th market,
making The Panda America's
number three smooth jazz station.
Wow.
And here it is. My, uh... My little nook.
Wow. Oh, man, I gotta admit,
this is more than I expected.
Wow.
I kind of envy you, Brad.
Oh, stop it.
Ah, it's true. I mean, you're a nice guy,
making a comfortable living,
and the most fantastic woman
in the world loves you dearly.
Really? Thanks for saying that.
I mean it. And that sacrifice
she's making for you... That's true love.
Sacrifice?
Well, sure, Brad.
You know how bad
that girl wants another baby.
She wants another baby?
For her to let that slip away
and marry a man she knew to be barren,
that's true love.
How do you know that I can't...
- Bradley.
- Yes.
Caroline says we're gonna hear some
new voice talent this a.m.?
Yes, sir, in about 15 minutes.
Okay. How'd it go
- with the ****bag ex-husband?
- Uh-uh.
You whip his ass with
that Loving Fence of yours?
(LAUGHS)
Well, actually it's interesting, Mr. Holt,
because I want you to meet Dusty Mayron.
Jesus in the morning.
She was married to him first?
Okay. Let's establish some
ground rules, pretty boy.
- Airborne?
- Huh?
Well, your lapel pin.
101st, that's one hell of a division, sir.
Oh, well, thank you, Dusty.
Are you Airborne?
Oh, no, sir, I'm afraid
I don't share that honor,
but I'm humbled to be in the
presence of anyone who does.
Airborne Division? Those guys love to fly.
Very nice to meet you, sir.
Thank you, thank you.
It's good to meet you.
My pleasure. It's an honor.
Fast friends over there. (CHUCKLES)
That's wonderful.
Come on! No way!
The whole time you're running guns
for the freedom fighters
right under the cartel's noses,
and they never suspected it was you once?
Well, I'm sure they started to suspect
once they were in a ball of fire
the size of four city blocks.
(LAUGHING)
That's great. I love that!
Holy buckets, Brad!
If this guy was my wife's ex,
I'd put a bullet in my skull.
(BOTH LAUGH)
DUSTY: Come on, Leo, cut it out.
Oh, uh... Sir, I think Barry's ready.
You're really going to like this guy.
Okay. Ready to listen.
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
All right. Mmm-hmm.
- You like him, Brad?
- I do.
I do. I mean, I think his voice
has a warm dependability
that all Panda listeners could trust.
What do you think, Duster?
(BRAD LAUGHS)
Does Dusty now work for The Panda?
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm not really into smooth jazz.
I shouldn't comment.
(SCOFFS) Nobody's into smooth jazz.
I'm into smooth jazz.
Of course you are, Brad.
So what do you think, Dusty?
I mean, it just seems a little flaccid.
I think you need a voice with some
virility and hope, that tells listeners,
"Hey! Maybe the next song
won't suck as bad as the last one."
Also, I think a strong ability
to be something like...
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
What...
What just happened?
He sang the tagline.
- Good boy, Tumor!
- (CAR HONKING)
BOTH: Daddy!
DUSTY: Hey!
Oh, perfect timing. Listen to this.
DUSTY ON RADIO: One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
- Is that you?
- Yeah!
SARA: That's you?
Why is that him?
I took him to work, and 15 minutes later
he's the new voice of The Panda.
Hey, you believe that? I record
one take at 9:30 this morning,
it's already run 11 times.
Do I really get 182 bucks
every time they play that?
Yes. Every time, yes.
Ooh! Money.
You see why I love America
even more than most people do?
Hey. What's this?
Just the handyman
I hired off Angie's List.
He's upstairs fixing the damage.
Your wife had to hire a man? For what?
Some framing, a little sheetrock repair,
some masonry and basic window glazing?
Come on, Brad.
We can bang that out tonight.
Yeah.
It's just basic sheetrock glazing
and, you know, little whatamajigs.
Get up there and
get in there and crank it out.
Dusty is pretty good with his hands.
Pretty good with my hands,
Brad, she knows.
Okay. Yeah, I'll just go
up there and I'll...
- Want me to do it? I'll tell him to screw.
- No, no, no, no.
No, no, no. That's okay.
I'll tell him,
- "Guess what, bub?"
- Tell him the men are here.
I'll say that.
I'll say, "The men are here."
- Let's do it.
- I don't want to imply to him
that he's not a man. But I'll just say,
"Hey, the boys are back in town." Right?
(HAMMERING)
Oh, hi.
I'm Brad. Uh... My wife hired you.
Nice to meet you, Brad.
I just came up here to say that you...
That, um, you should have good luck.
Thank you for your wishes of luck.
I'll be downstairs.
Well? What happened?
Oh, you know, I think it's...
He already started,
and I just think it feels wrong.
Why? Because he's black?
No. No, no.
Megan! Dylan!
- What are you doing? Huh?
- Teaching moment.
Guys, what would we call Brad
if he treated someone differently
just because of the color of their skin?
- (BOTH GASP)
- Brad's being racism?
Racist, honey. Brad is a racist.
- Honey.
- No, I mean... But not on purpose.
Is Brad a Klan person?
No. (LAUGHS)
So I'm a racist if I don't fire someone?
Well, yeah, you are.
Yeah, you are.
Sir, you're taking this all wrong.
Right. So you get one look
at the color of my skin,
and all of a sudden you're
Mr. Do It Yourself, huh?
No, not at all. Please, allow me
to pay you for your time and travel.
Don't do me any favors, Paula Deen.
(SIGHS)
I'm not a woman.
You did the right thing.
Boy, it doesn't feel that way.
Let's get cracking.
Where do you keep your tools?
I know where Brad keeps his tools.
In the credenza.
- Yeah.
- You keep your tools
- in the credenza, Brad?
- In the credenza. Mmm-hmm.
Just easier to get to.
- It's convenient.
- Yeah.
(CLATTERING)
This is a tackle box, Brad.
Are we going fishing?
No. Unless you want to go fishing.
What have you got in here?
A hammer, masking tape,
three C batteries and a tampon.
Yeah, well, a tampon's handy for...
Yeah, I know what they're handy for.
So are we not going to fix it?
Well, what do you want from me, Brad?
To buy all the gear we need
would cost more
than just hiring someone
off of Angie's List.
- (GROWLING)
- (GASPS)
And the King, he thought the Step King
seemed okay at first, a little soft, maybe,
but, heck, the Queen needed a meal ticket.
But the more the King learned about him,
the more he doubted the
Step King's ability to lead.
So the King decided
there was only one way to...
Psst... Hey. Good story?
Yeah. The King finally
came back to his castle.
But the evil Step King
wouldn't give him his crown back.
Oh, okay, yeah.
I think I've heard this story before.
Ah, it's a story as old as time, Brad.
Well, you know what? It turns out
the Step King wasn't evil at all.
He was a really good guy.
Fun at parties, great conversationalist,
affable. And he saw
that the beautiful Queen
and perfect Prince and Princess
were all alone, and he came
valiantly to their rescue.
Yeah, but wasn't the Queen sad because
the Step King couldn't give
her an heir to the throne?
Okay, you know what?
Now this is getting personal.
Hey, Brad, come on.
We're just doing fairy tales here.
All right. Well, the Queen wasn't sad,
just for the record. (STUTTERING)
The Step King was pretty sure
she was totally cool with it.
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm sure the Queen was thrilled. Right?
Right?
Yeah.
Honey,
what's the matter?
Are you still sad about
Dusty finding your tampon?
No. No, I mean,
this is a little embarrassing,
but it's just, I was...
Is there any chance
you still want another baby?
Oh, my God. What, did Dusty say something?
He's just trying to get in your head.
So it's not true then?
Okay. Maybe I did want another baby.
But it's not possible,
given what happened to your...
And I'm not blaming them. I love them.
They are my fuzzy little pals.
You don't have to say that.
They are.
I am 100% happy
with the family that I have.
The only reason I'm putting up with him is
because my kids are so happy to see him.
And I want them to have
a relationship with their father.
You know what?
I can't wait to see his face
when he figures out
how much you really do for his kids.
Yeah. I mean, I'm
involved. I'm emotionally available.
Yeah, you are.
You are darn right.
It's high time Dusty sees
how a real dad does it.
I am fired up!
(SIGHS)
Let's get some shut-eye.
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Hallelujah!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, dudes! Hey, T.J.!
Brad! Look what Dad did!
He finished the treehouse for you!
Hey, hey! B-man!
No, watch out, B!
(BRAD GROANING)
Hey, Brad. Sorry about that.
- You all right?
- (CONTINUES GROANING)
Brad, what do you think, man?
Wow. Pretty cool zipline.
You like that, huh? It's military grade.
You built all this today? With my tools?
Oh, no, you can't build a treehouse
with a tampon, Brad.
No, I had a little bit of help.
Yo, Dylan, PS4 is all hooked up.
- Thanks, Uncle Griff.
- No problem, buddy.
Uncle Griff?
Dude, I went out for a beer last night,
and who's tending bar but our man Griffy?
We get to talking and we just click.
You know what I mean?
He's a great dude, man. He really is.
I know how you feel about him,
but just give him a chance.
All right? He's having
a tough time at home,
and your firing him sure didn't help.
Well, I fired him because you made me!
- I made you?
- Yeah.
Am I in charge around here now?
Is my name on the mortgage?
Last time I checked,
you were the man of the house,
and me and Griffy were just staying here.
- He's not staying here.
- Because he's black?
No, not because of that.
Look, Griffy helped me
knock this out, all right?
So despite any prejudices
that you may or may not have...
I don't have any prejudices.
I said "may or may not."
- Well, it's may not.
- Well, that's good.
Because that's one of the ones I said.
Hey, kids, come on.
Helmets on the half-pipe.
We got to be safe around here.
Wait, half-pipe?
Look, I know it's taking up
a lot of the yard, but it's gonna make
your house the coolest place
in the neighborhood.
I got a sound system, we got
a couple Go-Pros. That's Corey
from Red Bull over there.
Hey, Corey!
You got a sponsor for my backyard?
Hey, Mr. Mayron! You want next?
Nicholas, please, it's Dusty!
And, yes, I do. Brad, watch this run.
I'm gonna dedicate this run
to my future X-Games champs,
Dylan and Megan. This is for you!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(BLOWS)
Looks like you picked
the wrong leisure activity, buddy.
(ALL CHEERING)
Thank you.
- Oh, hey, Sara.
- Hi.
Okay. Who's got next?
BRAD: I do!
Look!
(ALL GASPING)
Some cute little tricks there, Dusty.
(LAUGHS)
Really adorable.
Brad?
Hey, who'd like to see
how we used to do it
back in the empty pools of Encino,
Castaic, Irvine, Long Beach?
Santa Clarita?
Santa Cruz?
Fremont?
Honey, no, please come down.
Oh, I intend to, sister.
Come on, Brad, it hasn't been that long.
Godspeed.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (GRUNTS)
- ALL: Whoa!
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! Brad!
Oh, no, it's best not to touch him.
Wait a second.
What do you mean, don't touch him?
He's in trouble.
Look, I know he's in trouble, okay?
But if there's a problem, who
do you want to be in charge?
You?
Okay. All right, guys,
we have an emergency situation.
And what's the first thing we do? Anybody?
- You! Redhead.
- Call 911.
Close. But wrong.
First thing we do is remain calm.
Yeah, that's good advice.
The 911 operator can't understand you
if you're hysterical, okay?
So let's all take a deep breath.
In for ten...
Are you kidding me right now? Help him!
Hey, that doesn't sound calm, Sara.
Now, please, call 911
and relate to the dispatcher
- what happened calmly, okay?
- Okay, yes.
Anybody know what we do next?
Check for pulse!
Nice! My star pupil! Come on up here.
All right! Okay, two fingers on the neck,
right below the ear.
- Good. You feel a heartbeat?
- Uh-uh.
Okay, now that means that
Brad here is now clinically... Anybody?
- You, Jean Jacket!
- Dead?
Attaboy, Jean Jacket. You're a smart kid.
He is dead.
All right, so what do we do?
Come on, we're losing him here.
Give him C.P.R.?
Yes! That's my girl.
Come on up here, sweetie.
All right! All right, lock your fingers like
this and press down hard right here.
- (GRUNTING)
- Oh, great job, sweetheart.
Dusty, hurry!
Okay, I'm going to go ahead
and take this one.
Okay? Watch closely now.
If you do your
chest compressions properly,
it shouldn't take long. Clear out, guys.
(WHIRRING)
(GASPING)
- I got him! I got him!
- (COUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING)
My dad can bring people
back from the dead!
(GROANING)
Mr. Whitaker's a zombie!
(MUTTERING)
Look, I'm okay, really.
I just got a little jolt.
You got a little killed
is what you got, Brad.
We thought we lost you.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I just got tired of being
the lame stepdad.
All the kids think he's Superman.
Well, now you know how I felt.
I always had to be the bad guy mom,
giving out the carrots
and the punishments,
and he would breeze in
from God only knows where
and get to be the cool, fun dad.
Honey. Look. (SIGHS)
I'll talk to him, okay?
I'll tell him to get his stuff
and get over to the Red Roof Inn. Pronto.
Great.
(TV PLAYING)
Wait. Prince Hans is actually the bad guy?
Man, I didn't see that coming at all.
He seemed like he really loved Anna.
MEGAN: I hate Prince Hans.
Dusty.
- Hey, how you feeling, Sparky?
- (CHUCKLES)
Sparky. That's hilarious.
DUSTY: Brad, have you seen this movie?
It's unbelievable, man.
There's these two sisters,
one of them has ice powers.
Yeah, I'm familiar with Frozen.
Listen, Dusty, I need to talk to you now.
I can't talk now, Brad.
Just pause the movie!
Can you guys talk out there, please?
Griff, man. You gotta pause it, man.
No! I don't want to ruin the momentum.
He won't... Dude, if another song
comes on, you got to pause it. Okay?
Am I supposed to pause my emotions?
Just pause the song, man.
What's up? What's up?
What's going on, Brad?
- This shouldn't take long.
- Okay, good.
Listen, um, I just think
that you're being here...
Yeah. No problem.
...and now there's Griff here,
it's presenting some obstacles...
(SOBBING)
Stupid helmet!
Honey, what happened?
They pushed me off my bike again!
- I'm so sick of it!
- (CLATTERING)
I want them dead, Brad. All right?
I want their parents dead.
And if they don't have parents, I want
their primary caregivers dead.
Do you understand me?
- Okay, okay.
- He's okay.
Megan's upstairs playing with him.
I am so pissed about this.
Was it the fourth graders again?
Fourth graders?
What, you knew about this, Brad?
Yeah. Dylan asked to speak
specifically to me about it.
- Really?
- So, we role-played
some conflict resolution dialogue.
Are you being serious right now, Brad?
What you need to be teaching him
is some ass-beating resolution.
Damn straight. You got to
make a statement. Set a tone.
It's kind of a family matter over here.
No, Dusty and Griff are right.
Those little punks need
their butts whooped.
Hey, you got any Miracle Whip?
Yeah, it's behind the... (SIGHS)
Here. Hold on. Let me just get it for you.
Guys, I know we're upset right now,
but here's the thing.
Violence never solved anything.
Hey, check your history books, buddy.
Almost everything is solved by violence.
There are better ways.
Okay. Name one. Besides dialoguing.
- Name one?
- Name one!
- What do you mean, name one?
- You said you could
solve problems with
things other than fighting.
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
Well, you said you knew!
You act like you knew!
- Fine, yes!
- What?
Dancing! Dancing.
Did you... Did you just say dancing, Brad?
It's very popular in youth culture
to resolve conflict through dancing.
They step up to each other and get served
by crunking, or popping and locking.
They call each other out, they take turns,
and it is no less intense
than a classic street brawl.
But, at the end of the day, no one's hurt.
And it's a great aerobic workout.
He's flailing a bit,
but he has a good point.
There's a rich history
of dance battles in film.
- You got Breakin' 1...
- I didn't even think of this.
...Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.
One of the rare cases
where the sequel was better
- than the original.
- Much better.
You got Step Up, Stomp the Yard.
He makes a solid point.
Honey, are you telling us that we
should teach Dylan to dance?
(SIGHS) No, I'm just saying that
teaching him to fight isn't the answer.
Okay, but maybe teaching him
to fight back isn't so bad?
BRAD: Okay.
There we go. Perfect.
That's good, right there.
Yeah. A lot of protection.
All right, Dylan. You ready, buddy?
- I guess.
- Oh, you're ready.
Brad, Griff. You guys be
the fourth graders.
- I'll be Dylan.
- Okay.
All right. Hey, buddy, the first thing you
want to do is call out the biggest one.
Hey! What's the matter?
You too much of a pussy to take me on
without your little *****es to back you up?
Wow. Okay, yes.
That cut right through me, there.
I'm filled with inner shame right now.
Saying to myself,
"Gosh, maybe I'm not behaving
"100% the way I want to."
Right? Is that same page?
No. What the kid's gonna think
is, "Now I can beat your ass
"all on my own." But now
you only got one bully to contend with.
Now bullies always open up
with some shoving first.
- Watch. Brad, give me a little shove.
- All right.
(YELPS)
Whoa, I didn't connect there, did I?
No. It was really close, though.
See what I did, buddy?
I turned my body just enough
to let his weight bring him in,
then I came right down Broadway.
- I'm not gonna hit you.
- Oh.
- Okay, relax. Okay?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Bam!
- (ALL GASP)
It's called the element of surprise.
Then you start punking his ass!
You want some more of that, *****, huh?
You like that, *****?
All right. Do we really
need to use that word?
- No.
- Honey, yes.
Unfortunately, we do. I'm sorry.
You have to make him a *****.
It's a fundamental step in
destroying a bully's psyche.
Now stay down, *****!
Then you kick that kid right in the nuts!
Kick him in the nuts, Dylan!
Wait! I thought you were in my gang.
Yeah, but once Dylan tuned you up,
I switched sides.
What do you think happens
out there on the playground, Brad?
All right, now come on, buddy.
It's your turn. All right?
I'll be the fourth grader.
Can I just go inside already, please?
Hey, buddy come on, this is easy.
You can do this.
I said, no! I don't like this stuff.
I'll just stay away from them
from now on. Mom?
Okay, come here, buddy.
- Come on. It's all right.
- Brad.
Help me out here. Come on.
Hey, wait.
Pal, listen...
I know what it's like
to be afraid to go to school.
Okay? When I was your age,
this group of older kids
started picking on me.
I ran and I cried
underneath the bleachers.
They bothered me every day,
because they knew
I was too afraid to face them.
Until one day, I'd had enough.
And I socked Jesse Hubbard
right in the nose.
Really? And they left you alone?
Damn right they did.
Brad. (SOFTLY) That was good.
Come here, buddy.
Hey, I'm proud of you. All right?
Now, look at me. I want you to punch them
right in the Adam's apple. Okay?
I want you to shatter their throat.
Hold on, hold on.
I'm sorry. Look, I'm having
a pang of guilt right now.
Full disclosure. Some of the elements
of my story weren't exactly true.
Um, the incessant crying, 100% true.
The constant bullying, absolutely,
it all happened, but I, uh...
I've never punched anyone in my life.
I could have told you that.
- Then what did you do?
- Yeah, what did you do?
Well, nothing at all.
In fact, sixth grade was so rough,
I changed my name to Devin Lacecock.
Why the hell would you tell him that?
I pretended to be blind for an entire
school year, just to elicit empathy.
Which was great until
they found me intently watching
an episode of MASH.
In fact, it got so bad,
my parents had to refinance
our house to put me in private school.
Let's just do that.
Can I go to private school, please?
No, Dylan, we can't do that.
Want to know why?
Because ever since that day,
I've always run away from conflict.
In fact, if I had a dad like Dusty
when I was your age, maybe
he could have taught me
how to stand up for myself.
So, wait. You're saying,
if I don't stick up for myself now,
I'll grow up to be a huge wussy like you?
Um, yes. That is the basic
gist of what I'm saying. Yes.
Okay. Then let's do this.
DUSTY: Come on, buddy, you got this.
Give me something. Come on.
Faster, harder, meaner, stronger.
You're fast, you're good.
You're a winner. You're a champion.
They got to let you off the leash, baby.
We got a little pit bull here.
That was really nice, you guys. Good job.
It was really fun to watch
the two of you working together
like a couple of great co-dads.
Yeah.
Co-dads. That's...
That's good stuff.
You know what?
In that same spirit of unity,
I want to show my gratitude
for your inviting me
to stay here and share moments like these.
Oh, about that, Dusty.
When I pulled you over there, actually...
No, what you've done here
does not go unnoticed.
And I repay my debts.
Look, Sara, I know how much
you want another child.
I think I can help
put a baby in there for you.
- Oh, my God!
- What are you saying?
- I mean I got a guy.
- Dusty, please! You got a guy?
Yes, I got a guy. A fertility doctor.
He's a buddy of mine.
I trained him for his first Ironman.
All right? Dr. Francisco is the real deal.
- Dr. Emilio Francisco?
- You've heard of him?
Oh, my God, yeah.
He's been on Dr. Oz like 10 times.
Yeah, he's one of the top five reproductive
endocrinologists in the country.
See? People wait years
to get an appointment with this guy.
Do you really think he would see us?
- Whoa, whoa, hold on.
- I know he would.
If anybody can help you
have a baby, he can.
Mommy's going to have a baby?
Cool! Can we name it Griff?
Oh, thanks, D-man.
Look, you guys,
I don't know if this is a good idea.
What, you don't wanna name your baby
after a black person?
- Is that it?
- No!
You probably want to name it something
really white, like Connor or Gordon.
Harland, or Scot with one T. Or Brad.
No, no, Griff is a lovely name.
I'm just saying,
I don't think it's a good
idea to get our hopes up,
because, in the end,
odds are, I'm going to let you down.
Okay, honey, but what if I promise,
promise, promise not to get my hopes up?
We could just try, right? It can't hurt.
Okay, sure.
But you can't get your hopes up.
No. I won't, I won't! Thank you!
I feel like you've already
gotten your hopes up.
- Where are you going?
- Nowhere!
- You calling your mother?
- No!
Okay, yes, but it's about something else.
It's not about something else.
Damn it, Brad, he set you up.
He used this fancy doctor
to get your wife back on the baby train.
When those test results come back
and prove that you can't give her a baby,
guess who's gonna be waiting
there cocked and loaded?
Well, I trust my wife, so we really don't
need to keep talking about it, okay?
Let me tell you a little story, Brad.
When Jeneane, my fourth, and I
were returning from our honeymoon,
she told me that
she had a 23-year-old kid.
Brazilian boy.
Said she had him real young.
So he moves in with us.
Doesn't speak a lick of English.
There are the usual tensions.
I try to assert my authority.
"Andreas, get your feet
off the furniture."
"Andreas, you're too old
to sleep in bed with Mommy."
"Andreas, you got to stay off the 'roids."
And he'd get mad,
and hit me with a car antenna.
Eh... Maybe that's the way kids are.
No. Not really.
So I adopt him,
help him get his citizenship.
The second the papers come through,
guess what happens?
I already know.
Bam! They shack up together in Barstow.
It turns out Andreas
- is her boyfriend, Brad.
- Mmm-hmm.
I did not see it coming.
I actually did, about one,
two words into your story.
The moral of this fable is,
it's good to know when you're beaten.
- You know I think the world of you, Brad.
- Thank you.
But if I'm being completely honest,
even I'm rooting for Dusty.
He's just so damn likeable.
You know, it's getting kind of late.
Shouldn't we just get back to work?
Okay, you win.
So where are we on The Panda Jam
numbers for next summer?
London, you still on the conference call?
Dusty Mayron, you crazy hijo de puta!
- (LAUGHS) Hey, what's up, Doc?
- (EXCLAIMING)
You look great, man. You still
rocking those Ironmans, huh?
Yeah, bro.
I just finished Brazil in 11:40.
- That's unbelievable.
- Yeah. Well, come on.
Ain't nothing on you, man.
Hey, my first race,
I'm limping across the finish line
when this ******* laps me.
I mean, come on, who wins an Ironman,
then decides to go around again?
Who does that?
It sounds exhausting.
Hey, I'm Dr. Francisco. You must be Sara.
Hi. (LAUGHS)
Dusty, you were not lying
about this one. Very nice.
And you weren't lying
about this one either.
You must be Chief Glowing Sack.
What? (LAUGHS)
Hey, come on,
I'm just lighting you up, man.
Come on, little hug.
Okay, come on back, y'all.
Let's take a look.
All right. So let's run it down.
I think we can safely say that your issue
has nothing to do with X-rays.
You know what, sweetheart, come here.
Let's see that pretty little hand.
Okay. Now put it right in here.
- Oh!
- Okay, you feel that?
- Yeah.
- Okay, that is not how you want
testicles to be shaped.
Really? It feels like all the other...
Hi.
Well, it cuts off blood flow, okay?
Limits potency.
You want them to...
You know what? Actually...
- Hey, Dusty!
- Hey.
- Why is he coming in here?
- Little help in here, please.
Oh, come on. You gotta put me
through this every time?
- Come on. Be a sport.
- All right.
Oh, my God! What are you doing?
Is this even ethical?
(GASPS) James and the Giant Peach.
(GULPS)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
It's okay, I gulp every time.
You see, this... This is what you want.
Plump and bulbous.
Glassy smooth, like
two Patrick Stewarts,
you know what I mean?
Don't embarrass me in front
of Sara like this anymore, okay?
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, sorry, bro.
So, ready to milk the cow,
see if we even got a sliver of hope here?
Hey, Dusty, come on, buddy. Want to
try to break your own record?
Oh, no, I'm good.
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, come on, man.
I'm doing you a favor here.
Give me something to brag
about at the next symposium.
All right, fine. You want to break
the record, I gotta break the record.
(LAUGHS) Yeah. Kid came to play.
Should I grab a big cup, too?
What? Stop screwing around.
Come on. We're burning daylight here.
(DOOR OPENS)
(WOMEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
(SIGHS)
(ALL GASPING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hello. Quick question.
How difficult would it be
for someone to whip up
a batch of your Cinnabons?
Would you need restaurant-grade ovens?
Bradsky. Could you
pass this along to Dusty?
It's his first resids check.
Disclaimer. It's more than you make.
- Don't get worried about it.
- How much more than...
Oh, and tell him, 8:30 sharp at my house.
He doesn't need to bring anything.
All right, buddy?
I've never been to your house.
No, you haven't.
SARA: Oh, my God, my hair, it looks awful.
Doesn't Mommy's hair look pretty?
- No. Next slide, please.
- DUSTY: Oh, okay.
- Slides. Fun.
- DUSTY: Aw...
Cool. You guys climbed that?
Yuck. Why are you guys kissing
in every single picture?
Oh, Mommy used to kiss Daddy a lot.
SARA: Married people kiss a lot.
DUSTY: Ready?
Wow, China.
I loved it there.
Dylan, you were created right
there on that wall, buddy.
- Really?
- Dusty, that's enough.
- DUSTY: Okay, next slide.
- (SARA LAUGHS)
That's where your mom and I met,
doing The King and I in summer stock.
SARA: God, that costume was so tight.
(LAUGHS)
Next slide, please.
Oh, my God.
- MEGAN: Is that baby me?
- SARA: Mmm-hmm.
All right, you guys, let's,
um, get ready for bed.
- Okay?
- DUSTY: It's story time, Mayron family!
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
MEGAN: We don't have to wait
for Mr. Whitaker, do we?
I really don't like you,
but that **** is heartbreaking.
(DOOR CLOSING)
MEGAN: Yay! Griff's home!
So the King raised his mighty sword
and rained steel down upon the Step King.
But the Step King
blocked it with his shield.
And swung his cat o'nine tails
into the King's smug face.
Which the King easily brushed aside
like the feather of a gull.
And then the King did counter
with a barrage of slashes
and thrusts so fast and precise
that the Step King had no way to parry.
BOTH: Yay!
But he did. He did.
He parried all of them.
- Easily. It was no big deal.
- BOTH: Aw.
Then he grabbed the King's
sword right out of his hand
and smashed it over his knee.
BOTH: Boo!
That's when the King pulled out
a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!
Which is completely anachronistic.
So if we're doing any time period,
then the Step King just happened to be
wearing Kevlar body armor.
- Concussion grenade!
- Hand grenade.
- Rocket launcher.
- Missile launcher.
- Air strike.
- Nuclear strike.
- Black hole.
- God.
We know what this comes down to.
The Step King was very upset
because when the real King
pulled out his sword,
it was long and shiny,
and the Step King
did shudder at the size of it.
And while the Step King acknowledged
that the King carried a mighty,
beautifully engraved broadsword,
all the maidens in the land
preferred the more average-sized
Step King's sword because
it knew how to listen.
- (SCOFFS)
- And the King needs to realize
he's a guest in his castle
and he better mind his P's and Q's
because the Step King
has had it up to here
with the King's bull****!
Brad said a naughty word.
Kids, I'm so sorry you had to hear
that inappropriate language.
Make sure you tell your mother.
Brad, can I talk to you
in the hall, please?
(SIGHS)
Brad, what just happened in there, man?
(WHISPERING) Look, the Step King
should not have
used inappropriate language in front of
the Prince and Princess, he admits that.
Why are you still saying it
like that, Brad?
We're out in the hall.
I don't know. I'm upset.
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- Hold on.
Oh-ho-ho! Hello?
Yeah, Brad's here, he's doing good.
Hey, it's Dr. Francisco.
He wants us all to come in tomorrow.
9:30 work for you?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Yeah,
we'll see you then.
All right, bud. Come on, man.
The doctor will be with you in a moment.
ALL: Thank you.
(SARA GRUNTING)
Hey, Brad, whatever happens
here, I just want you to know
that I'm proud of you for doing your best.
- Okay?
- Thank you.
Hello, hello. Okay.
I'm going to cut right to the chase.
Sara, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
Oh, God. That is a tough break. I'm sorry.
Damn, that is a real shame.
My heart is melting.
Yeah, it's a real shame, Sara.
A real shame that
you're gonna have to put up
with Brad here pounding away on you
over and over,
now that he's got a fighting chance
of getting you pregnant.
- (GASPING)
- What? Oh, my God!
- Holy moly!
- Oh, my God.
Hey, Doc, Doc, don't give them
a false sense of hope.
Remember what you said about
the blood flow and the screwy 'nads?
Yeah, well, Brad has you
to thank for that, Dusty.
Okay, in lab rats,
whenever another alpha male
comes around, it can spike testosterone,
driving up sperm counts.
Now, no guarantees, okay?
But with my help, Brad,
I think you got enough left in the tank
to make it all the way to baby town.
That's so wonderful. Thank you.
- BOTH: Thank you so much.
- Of course.
- Can we give you a hug?
- Oh, yeah. Come on in.
BRAD: Oh, my gosh.
- Did not expect this.
- Mmm...
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
You virile sea snake, you.
- I underestimated you, Brad.
- Yes, you did.
I can finally give Sara everything,
and it feels good.
Now, listen, this is what you need to do.
You need to go and pee outside
the room that Dusty sleeps in.
He's gonna smell your urine and know that
your virility is not to be taken lightly.
It's good advice.
I did it last year in the lobby.
Oh, I remember. It was a health hazard.
It scared the FedEx guy.
No, I'm going to take
the high road on this one.
Okay, fine, take the high road.
But jam a baby up in there
as quickly as you can, Brad.
Because, in the end, if Sara
does choose Dusty over you,
he has to be stepdad to your baby.
- How beautiful is that?
- (LAUGHS)
Come on, five it.
No. You know, it feels strange
to high-five over the custody
of my unborn child.
I've been on Dusty's team.
I'm trying to jump over
to the winning team Brad.
- Get on this.
- I'd really rather not.
I'm trying to share a moment
with you here. Please five me.
It feels... No, thanks.
- Got it!
- Wait. No.
- Sweet.
- It didn't count.
I love you, Brad.
It's not a binding high-five.
Fat beans in there.
- Dusty?
- Brad.
What can I do for you?
Oh, wow, that's some impressive up-downs.
Look, uh,
what you did for Sara and me,
that's a life-changer, and
I just wanted to say thank you.
And I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?
Well, here's the thing.
I mean, you show up,
here's this guy who's cool and exciting.
I guess I felt a little competitive, and
slightly insecure, and I start thinking,
well, maybe you want to challenge me.
But today you proved that
all you really care about
is our family's happiness.
Oh, man.
I'm humbled.
I mean it. And you know what?
You're right. I was challenging you, Brad.
- Yeah?
- The truth?
I see this new man in my kids' life.
He's kind and caring and successful,
and I don't even want to like you.
But I can't help it. I like you, Brad.
Really?
I was determined to push you out
and get my family back.
I was underhanded
and disingenuous about it.
I feel like a monster.
No. No, no, no.
(SIGHS)
At the risk of being disrespectful,
I want you to shut your mouth.
You are allowed
to have those feelings. Okay?
Heck, we're talking about
your own children here, for cripes' sake.
Clean slate?
Absolutely.
Come here.
(SIGHS)
You know what's funny?
You're not even sweating,
after doing all those push-ups.
That's exemplary.
(SIGHS)
Thank you, Dusty.
Thank you, Brad.
Oh, uh...
You know, all that stuff about pushing
me out and taking over my family,
I mean, we're through all that, right?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm here to defeat you
and take back my family.
That can't change.
But now I'll follow your noble example
and do it above board.
Honestly. Like a man. Like you.
But we just hugged. You said you like me.
Oh, I do like you, Brad, very much.
It doesn't make this any easier.
You know I'm gonna have to tell Sara
what you said in here today.
Of course.
It would be irresponsible not to.
She's not gonna like it.
She's gonna want you out.
You're right about that, Brad.
What the hell are you up to?
I just told you what I'm up to.
My head is spinning right now.
Hey, you got any sweet potatoes? Or yams?
Sweet potatoes or yams?
Griff, you know we have yams, all right?
You made me buy them for you.
I wanted to respect
your house by asking you
before I got them.
I didn't want to just go grab yams.
Okay, I appreciate that.
I'm dealing with something.
- Just go get the yams.
- All right.
Here's the thing. You're right, Dusty.
Yeah. I'm not going to tell Sara.
But I'm gonna prove to you
that I'm the best.
You can eat my dust, Dusty.
Christmas already?
Why didn't anybody tell me?
It's not. It's the middle of April.
- Daddy must have done this!
- BRAD: Ho, ho, ho, ho!
No, he didn't. (LAUGHS)
- Brad.
- Ho, ho!
Claus is the name.
Santa Claus, if you please.
But this Brad you speak of called me
all the way up at the North Pole.
He said his children were so sad because
their biological father had missed so many
Christmases and birthdays
and special family holidays,
so he asked me
to come here today so that Dusty
could experience one Christmas
with his kids before he leaves again.
Probably for a long, long time.
Ho, ho, ho!
Can we open presents?
You sure can, little girl.
I think they're from Brad.
In fact, all the presents are from Brad.
Let's see if any of the
presents are from Dusty.
Nope. Not one present from Dusty.
All from Brad.
Hey, kids, let's not forget
who got you a dog. Remember?
Hey, Tumor, quit humping Mrs. Claus!
(GROWLING)
Okay, I am officially worried about you.
Don't worry, Claus hasn't forgotten you.
Huh?
- For me?
- Yeah.
(GASPS)
Oh, my God, honey, it's beautiful.
I love it.
Wait, no! No! No, no. It's too much.
(TUMOR BARKS)
Oh, no, it looks like Tumor's
given away Megan's big gift.
(SCREAMING JOYFULLY)
A pony! A pony! A pony!
I know, it's a pony!
- Ho, ho, ho!
- (CONTINUES SCREAMING)
It's a pony, Dusty! A pony!
Can we name her Princess Elsa?
You can name him whatever you want,
because it's yours!
Brad, how can we afford a pony?
Where are we even going to put that thing?
I can clear out some stable
space in the garage.
Look, it's only half a horse.
Okay? Think of it like
a big dog, only a lot better.
Oh, what's this? What the heck?
It's tickets to tonight's
NBA playoff game...
- What?
- ...against Dylan's favorite team,
the Los Angeles Lakers?
Oh, thanks, Brad! You're the coolest!
I love you, Brad!
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Merry Christmas, Whitaker family!
GRIFF: Christmas?
How long was I asleep for?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
- You guys got enough candy?
- Yeah!
Remember, you can have anything
you want, 'cause it's Christmas!
No, it isn't. It's not Christmas, kids.
- BRAD: All right. Here we are.
- Oh, sick! We're this close?
Yeah. Pretty good, right?
Megan, you sit down right there.
Perfect. Dylan, you sit next to me.
And, Dusty, I'm so sorry. Yeah.
I could only get four in a row.
I couldn't get five.
So you're across the aisle,
next to that gentleman.
All right, guys, I'll be right here.
- We can still chat.
- Bye, Daddy.
Look, there's Kobe! It's him!
He's right there.
Thank you, Brad, this is the best present
I've ever gotten.
- You are so welcome.
- In my whole life.
I'm glad to hear it's the
best present you've ever got!
How much did these seats cost?
Not too much.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give a big welcome
to all the kids from Hearts of Courage.
Whoo! Hearts of Courage kids!
Proud of you, you're all miracles!
Whoo! I love kids!
All right, honey. That's plenty.
I just get excited
when I'm with my family!
Dusty! Dusty Mayron!
- Marco? Hey!
- (MARCO LAUGHS)
What's up, man? Are you coaching now?
Yeah, I'm the new strength
and conditioning coach.
- Oh, man.
- Check you out.
Hey, I played ball with him in Italy.
This is my family. My little guy, Dylan.
He's the biggest Kobe fan in the world.
Really? Well, come on down.
I'll introduce you.
- What?
- What? You hear that?
You want to meet Kobe?
MARCO: Bring the whole family down.
You guys can sit with the team.
Hey, this is my little girl, Megan.
She just invited me to her first
Daddy-Daughter Dance.
- So sweet.
- What did he just say?
What the hell did he just say?
Oh, sorry. He's okay.
No, I'm not okay. He's not okay.
- Honey, you need to calm down.
- No! I'm not gonna calm down.
She asked me first!
And now she's asking him?
No. It's not fair.
You know what, actually, it's very fair.
Okay? She has two dads.
She wants you both there.
You just have to accept that.
No, I'm not going to accept it. All right?
I do pick-up! I do drop-off!
Okay, I volunteer at school!
I listen to the tantrums and the crying
and the soundtrack of Frozen
that's on a goddamn loop all the time!
And he just waltzes in for a few days,
and now he gets to go as well? No!
No, she's got to choose.
It's either me or him!
- Megan, you got to choose!
- (SARA SHUSHING)
- You got to choose!
- SARA: Hey!
It's the biggest decision of your life!
Hey!
You know what? I'm going to pretend
you're not acting like a crazy person,
because I know you're very upset.
But you need to get over yourself. Okay?
Now go down there and
be happy with your kids.
No! A scalper gouged me 18 grand
for these seats. I'm not leaving them!
What?
- (STAMMERING)
- What did you just say?
Yeah. Nothing. Let's just... You're right.
(SIGHS) I'm so much more relaxed now.
Thank you.
Yeah. Let's just go down... Let's just...
No!
I think you should sit
in your $18,000 seats,
and think of all the better ways
your family could have used that money.
Sara.
The guy from the nuclear sub thing?
- Mayron! That's him.
- That's the guy?
Can I get some beers down here?
Can I get five beers?
Excuse me, some beers!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHEERING)
THE WHIP: What's up, everybody?
Let's make some noise!
Whoo-hoo!
Tonight, one lucky fan is going to
get a chance to shoot from half court
to win a family vacation to Disney World!
(ALL CHEERING)
And our lucky fan is sitting in
section 113,
row 6,
C-1. Where is he?
Let's see it. Where is he?
It's me. It's me, I win!
- There he is.
- I win.
I'm-a make it to Disneyland.
I'm-a make it all right.
- All right, Brad!
- Yay, Brad!
Yay, Brad!
All right, sir, how you doing?
What's your name?
First off, I love my kids.
He loves his kids! Let's give it up!
And if anyone was ever
to do anything to them,
- I would hurt them.
- Okay.
I would freakin' hurt them!
THE WHIP: Okay.
This guy over here is trying to take them!
Trying to steal my family.
He doesn't sweat!
Okay, you know what?
Why don't we just shoot...
But I got news for you, buddy!
Last night, while you were sleeping,
I made love to our wife!
- Okay.
- My wife!
BRAD: Sara, right over there!
Took my wiener out of my pants!
This is a family event, okay?
- Boo! Boo!
- All right.
So,
even if Sara does pick you,
you're going to have to be
the stepdad to my kid!
You see how you like it! Okay?
THE WHIP: Let's get somebody else
down here, all right? Somebody else...
Somebody else is going to win
a family trip!
Give me that ball, you.
This one's for Dylan and Megan
and Sara and Dylan.
Nothing but net.
THE WHIP: All right, he's going for it!
Nothing but net!
(GRUNTS)
- (GROANING)
- (ALL GASPING)
Do-over!
- That's a do-over!
- No do-over. No.
It's a do-over!
- (GROANS)
- (ALL GASPING)
(BRAD THUDDING)
(ALL APPLAUDING)
THE WHIP: I'm so sorry
you had to see that. I'm so sorry.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
SARA: Hey, kids, why don't you go inside
and put on your pajamas?
- What are you doing?
- I'm comforting you.
Sara, look... Sorry, too soon. I know.
But I just want you to know
that I'm here for you and the kids.
Oh, really? You want to be
a real parent now? Is that what this is?
Absolutely. I'm here now.
Dusty, I'm working crazy hours this week.
With Brad gone, the kids
are gonna have to be dropped off,
picked up, taken to swimming lessons.
Dylan has a play date with Eli on Tuesday,
and Megan has a dentist
appointment on Friday.
Sara, I know in the past
I've been unreliable,
but this is a new me. All right?
This is the new Dusty.
Well, you can't take them
to school on a motorcycle.
- You need a car.
- Done.
Okay.
Hey! You're not staying here!
Are you sure you don't need
company right now?
I mean, you're going through
a tough transition here.
Be here at 6:30 tomorrow morning.
Well, can I at least
come in and get my stuff?
No!
DUSTY: I'm gonna wait for a while,
in case you change your mind.
(SIGHS)
Hey.
Oh...
What did you throw Griff out for?
- This place is chaotic.
- (SCOFFS)
There's always some bull****
going on in that house.
God, man. Want to go to the Red Roof Inn?
Let's do it.
Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
(MUFFLED) Yes, sir.
DORIS: Okay. No running!
All right. Lindsey! Sloane!
Car's open right down there!
Okay, sir, inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Keep it inside...
That's right! Thank you.
(CAR ENGINE REVVING)
Hi. I see you've been picking up
Megan and Dylan these past few days.
Should I expect you from now on?
Um, yeah, I'm their real dad,
so yeah, from now on.
Terrific. I see that you also haven't
signed up to volunteer in the lane.
Brad was so good about
helping us out in the lane,
in the classroom, PTA, and so forth.
We could always count on him
for bake sales, Spring Sing,
costumes for Winter Pageant.
You know the drill.
I hope I can count on you
to be the new Brad.
Ah, sure, yeah. You can count on me.
I mean, I'm their real dad,
so, yeah, I'll be here every day.
Great. So, if your kids aren't out here,
I'm gonna need you to circle around
to the back of the line. Okay?
- No, I can't go around.
- Thanks.
I came ten minutes early
so I don't have to...
If your kids aren't here,
you have to go around!
I know. There's somebody
in front of me. Okay?
Just go around!
I can't just go over the
cones! I'm boxed in here!
- Go around!
- No, you can't! Okay?
She said stay in the cone, like ice cream!
- (HONKING)
- Go around!
DORIS: Inside the cones!
Amanda has got a recital!
I have to get there! You need to go!
(HORN HONKING CONTINUES)
(REVVING ENGINE)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
- DORIS: Hey!
We always stay inside the cones!
Cones! (GRUNTING)
Cones! Come on!
(MR. HOLT SIGHING)
Have you been living here
for the last few days, Brad?
No.
Then what's with the blankets
and the hot plate
and the B.O.?
I crapped in the wastebasket.
You know, Brad, two years
into my thing with Charlene,
her first husband showed up.
Oriental fellow.
You can't say that.
You cannot say "Oriental."
His name was Yu or Wu.
It could have been Javier.
Anyway, I get off early one day,
get home, and
there he is, stark naked in our bed.
I didn't know what to think.
Really? You didn't know what to think?
Six months later,
I wake up in a Chinese prison
with a tattoo on my lower back
of a golf ball rolling towards my butthole.
I can't hear these stories anymore.
I'm sorry. I know they're
supposed to help...
Griff! What are you doing here?
Thought you should know
Dusty came by the bar earlier.
He was talking about how
he can't do the daddy thing.
I tried to talk some sense into him, but
he seemed determined to get out of town.
What, he's leaving?
I don't think I have to tell you,
but little Megan's dance is tonight,
and she's not going to have a daddy.
That's fantastic. Brad, you win.
And Dusty, because of
an act of cowardice, loses.
I mean, you're the daddy again.
Come on, hit that.
(SIGHS)
No, I'm not her daddy.
I wish more than anything I was,
but I'm not.
Yeah, you're right, Brad. A real dad
wouldn't give up on his kids so easy.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Griff!
Wait!
He's still in the room, Brad.
Oh, hey.
Sorry. I thought you stormed out.
What you said sounded like a storm-out,
and then I heard the door close.
I just thought that ****
was getting kind of personal,
so it'd be good to close the door.
So extremely thoughtful. Thank you. Yeah.
And just so you know where my head was at,
I was going to chase you
down the hallway. Right?
You'd hear my footsteps and you're like,
"Is someone after... What's going on?"
Boom! It's me, and I'm like, "Griff, hey!
"You were right."
Holy ****! That would be so uplifting.
Can we do that?
Griff, can you storm out, and Brad,
you go after him?
I don't really want any part of that.
That sounds like pure nonsense to me.
I don't want... I'd rather not.
We could just try it, you know?
No, that sounds forced and weird to try to
recreate something. Not even recreate.
It would be creating. It didn't happen.
It's over-discussed at this point.
Shouldn't you go see your kid?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.
You guys go. Brad, can I come?
No.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Daddy's not coming, is he?
Oh, honey, he'll be here. He promised.
I see cupcakes over there.
I think you should go eat some. Go on.
Go eat a lot of sugar.
(VIBRATING)
Dusty.
- Nope.
- Come on, Dusty.
Where are you going?
I'd pay a billion dollars
to take her to that dance.
- You're just gonna leave?
- You take her then.
I can't take her. Okay?
I'm not welcome after I said
I was gonna put a spite baby
in her mother.
- I guess that's out, then.
- Yeah, that is out.
- So it's gotta be you.
- (SIGHS)
I'm sorry, Brad,
I just can't do it, all right?
What do you mean, you can't do it?
I can't stay inside the cones.
Look, Dusty, the cones are
there for everyone's safety.
- It's not about the cones.
- You just said it was.
The cones are a metaphor, Brad.
I'm not the domestic type, okay?
Dusty, come on.
What are you talking about?
You're organized, you're handy.
You make the best cinnamon rolls
I have ever tasted.
Those were Cinnabons, Brad. Come on.
You can't make rolls like that
in a conventional oven.
I knew it! I knew it.
I knew it from the beginning!
So you've been telling
some tall tales, huh?
- All that Special Ops stuff.
- No, just the Cinnabons!
Why would you lie about Cinnabons?
'Cause I wanted to win. All right?
I wanted to prove that
I was a good dad, too, but I'm not.
Okay? Are you happy?
Is that what you want to hear?
All the noise and the mess
and all the choices.
You do one thing wrong,
you can screw them up for life.
- Do you realize that?
- Yeah.
Dads have to make a lot of choices, okay?
And we blow most of them.
Yeah, and the other parents.
That kid, Eli. I was over there
for a play date. You know about this?
You can't just ride your bike
over to a friend's house,
to play Hot Wheels anymore,
now you got to make some kind of date?
- I know, it's a shame.
- Well, I'm over there,
and the kid's dad keeps
asking me if Dylan's gonna be
in the gifted program with Eli.
Like Dylan isn't as smart as
his little ball-scratcher kid.
I wanted to murder that smug prick.
Dusty, look, I hate that guy, too, okay?
But his son is Dylan's best friend,
so you suck it up.
(STUTTERING) I mean, that's most of
what dads do, is take ****.
I mean, that's what we do.
I can't do it, Brad.
I can't take **** like you do.
You take **** better than
anyone I've ever met,
and I mean that as a compliment
from the bottom of my heart.
- Thank you.
- But I'm sorry, Brad. I can't.
I can't do it, man.
You made a promise to Megan,
and you're gonna keep it.
Ow!
(GROANING)
Did you just punch me in the face, Brad?
Ow, yes.
Knowing full well I got no choice
but to bust you up now?
I really wish you wouldn't.
If I did, you'd take that beatdown
for those kids, wouldn't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I would.
- Come on.
- Good luck, Dusty.
What? No, no, you gotta come.
It's just... I can't see Sara
after what I said.
Sara loves you, Brad. All right?
I know just what to say to her.
You just stand there
and look lost without her.
- I am lost without her.
- Well, that's good. Then let's go.
- But I look terrible.
- Yeah, you do. Come here.
- What are you doing?
- I'm fixing you up, man.
Dusty, get your hands out of my pants.
Calm down. Think I want to
touch your little dinky?
I'm trying to fix you up.
All right. Let me see.
Wow. I look great.
Here you go.
- That's incredible.
- Come on.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
SARA: Hey, pumpkin.
Daddy wanted to be here,
I know he did. He just gets...
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Uh-oh.
She's doing her arms-folded thing.
You said she'd smile.
Maybe even start a slow clap.
Don't worry, I got this. Okay? Come on.
Oh, hey, look, it's the guy that
stranded his kids at school.
And look who he's with.
Did you get anybody pregnant
on your way over here, Brad?
No, I didn't.
- DUSTY: Sara, listen...
- No!
- Sara, please.
- No. I am not going to listen to you.
You know what? Your daughter's been
sitting there for two hours, heartbroken.
Sara, I am so sorry...
Oh, just, please. Will one of you idiots
just ask your daughter to dance?
- Really?
- SARA: Yes.
Neither one of you deserves her, but yes.
- Go ahead, Dusty.
- No, you take the first one.
You've earned it more than I have.
Dusty, please, she's your daughter.
What the hell did I miss?
I'll tell you what. I'll vouch for you
to the kids and I'll take the first dance.
I'll say my good-byes,
and then I'll get out of your hair.
Wait, wait. When you say
"get out of your hair,"
you mean leave, like leave-leave? Tonight?
Daddy! Brad! The fourth graders are here.
They're picking on Dylan again.
That's it.
Those little ****heads are dead.
Where are they?
DUSTY: Those are the fourth graders?
- They're girls.
- Uh-huh. They're so mean.
Why are you even here at
the Daddy-Daughter Dance?
Are you a daughter? Are you a girl?
Are you too scared to take me on
without your little friends?
- Oh, no, he's calling out the big one.
- Oh-oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
Come on!
Dylan!
- (ALL GASP)
- Yes!
- Dylan, what are you doing?
- Did you see? Did you see?
I punched her in the face,
just like you taught me.
- What?
- And then I kicked her right in the nuts.
You like that, *****? Huh?
- No, no, no!
- You want some more, *****?
Sweetheart, what happened?
What's going on here?
He punched me in the face.
Then he kicked me in the swimsuit area.
Then he called me the "B" word.
Who did, him?
He did. I saw it.
He said they taught him to hit girls.
No, no. We thought
your daughter was a boy.
- What?
- No, what he means is that
Dylan told us that a fourth grader
was picking on him,
but he didn't tell us it was a girl.
Yeah, and if you had, we'd have told you
it's never okay to hit a girl.
And that she's probably only bugging you
because she likes you, buddy.
I do not like him.
Oh, I think she likes him.
Ah, gross, whatever.
She totally does.
Are you calling my daughter a whore?
- What?
- They were implying it, Jerry.
Wait. That's quite a stretch.
Mrs. Troy, please. I got this.
Wait, first of all, which one
of you two is the kid's dad?
They both are.
(GASPS)
Oh, my gosh. Wow!
I'm sorry. That's the first time
he's ever referred to me as Dad.
It's something I've wanted to hear
for a long time, so it's a bit poignant.
I tend to cry a lot
when things get emotional.
They tease me all the time.
- I'm actually the stepdad.
- Oh, is that right?
So you're the real dad, huh!
Hey. You don't want to
embarrass yourself, buddy.
You threatening me now, tough guy?
- He's threatening you, Jerry.
- Nobody's threatening anybody.
But you're gonna want to
back that up, Jerry.
And you, Squidward tie.
Quit being an instigator,
or I'm gonna have to rap you in the mouth.
(YELPS)
Hey, hey, hey. Everyone just calm down.
We're at the Daddy-Daughter Dance.
You stay out of it, all right?
You don't count!
I want to talk to the real dad here.
Hey, Brad here is more of
a real dad than any of us.
You ever want to see how you should be
raising your kids, go look at this guy.
Here I go again. What did I tell you?
- Really? You mean that?
- Yes, I do, Brad.
You're a great dad.
(ALL GASPING)
- Like that?
- You shouldn't have done that.
Yeah? Why?
I'm pretty sure he kills people for a job.
He's been rather vague with me,
but that's what I'm kind of surmising.
- Are we gonna do this?
- DUSTY: Oh, we're gonna do it.
- Okay. You ready?
- DUSTY: Yeah, I'm ready.
- This is what you get.
- MEGAN: Daddy.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Want another one? Come on in.
What's going on?
Is this like some UFC ****?
DUSTY: Come on, Brad.
That's right. It's a dance, Jerry.
Yeah. So dance, Jerry!
Yeah! You just got served, Jerry!
You just got a piping hot serving.
I'm not getting served.
You're getting served!
You don't know this about me, Jerry,
but I like to move my body.
Get it, Brad!
(ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
Yeah! Yeah, Brad!
This is a dance! Let's go!
(ALL CHEERING)
(LAUGHING)
Am I the only one with my shirt off?
You know you can't leave, right?
You want me to stay?
These guys are growing up so fast.
You don't want to miss it.
You're sweating profusely.
- I know. I sweat a lot.
- That's cool.
Thank you.
BRAD: So Dusty did stay.
And with the huge amount of money
he was making as the voice of The Panda,
he built his own new castle
right down the street.
Hey!
But we kept Tumor because he didn't
get along with Dusty's new puppy.
(WHIMPERING)
It turns out Tumor was only five...
- (TUMOR GROWLING)
- ...so we're going to have him
for a long, long time.
- BRAD: Tumor!
- (DOORBELL RINGING)
And I was more than a little surprised
when Dusty showed up one day
with his new wife
and his new stepdaughter.
This is my stepdaughter, Adriana.
- Hey, Adriana. I'm Brad.
- Want to go play?
That's your brother and sister.
You guys play nice, okay?
Hey, hon. Who's at the door?
Oh, hey, Sara. This is my wife, Karen.
Oh, is it... Your wife?
SARA: That Karen, wow, she is so great.
It turns out she's
a doctor and a celebrated
novelist. I mean...
Hon, would you...
- Come here, Griff. Come here, Griff. Oh!
- KAREN: He's so cute.
SARA: And I was so surprised when
I found out that we're the same age.
I mean, she looks so young, right?
Good for her!
Honey, you look amazing tonight.
(LAUGHS) What are you talking about?
It's just my normal clothes.
That's how I look.
I just got ready really fast.
Hey, Griff. Hey, little Griffy.
You want to come to Daddy?
What, you think I'm going to
pick his pockets or something?
- BRAD: No.
- He doesn't carry a wallet.
Oh, sweetie, be careful
with that knife, okay?
You're not my dad.
DUSTY: Brad was right.
Being a stepdad isn't always easy.
But he was also right that it's worth it.
And he was right about the Ford Flex, too.
It's a great family car.
Got plenty of room for the kids,
gear, and plenty of pickup for me.
I got the Weekender package.
A few more bells and whistles than Brad's,
but Brad doesn't need to know that.
(MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING)
(GASPS) Daddy!
Sweetie, I've been waiting for you to...
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
I heard a gulp.
DUSTY: (STAMMERS)
Well, a little bit, maybe.
- BRAD: Sure.
- There you are.
BRAD: He's a lot bigger than you.
He's got legs for arms.
Little star, guess what?
I like him. I like him a lot.
Yeah. I bet you he's
going to like us, too.
- BRAD: Remember, Loving Fence.
- DUSTY: Yeah.
BRAD: Just go say hi.
Yeah, look, I got this, buddy. Watch.
Hey. You must be Roger.
Nope.
(TUNING RADIO)
DUSTY: (SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
JASON SINCLAIR: Caught Kenny G.
At the United Center this weekend.
Man, can that guy put on a show.
20,000 people on their feet
for the entire four hours.
You're listening to Jason Sinclair.
This is The Panda.BRAD: Here's a question for you.
What do kids need more? A father or a dad?
What's the difference?
The way I see it, darn near
anyone can be a father...
(ROARING)
...but not everyone has the patience
or the devotion to be a dad.
As for me...
Anybody caught a Monarch yet?
...I've always wanted to be a dad.
Let me tell you, I love it!
Yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
And I love my Ford Flex.
It treats me to a smooth ride,
and you know what?
It didn't break the bank.
Room enough for the whole family.
Yes, I love being a dad.
And I love these two adorable
little rays of sunshine.
Hey, Dylan! Good morning.
Whatever.
BRAD: Okay. I'm not their real dad.
Good morning, Mr. Whitaker.
- I'm their stepdad.
- Good morning, Megan.
Can you please put this on the fridge?
Well, sure. Did you do
another drawing of our family?
- Uh-huh.
- Huh?
That's me and Dylan and Mommy.
So great.
And over here, far, far away,
is you.
Oh? And am I wearing a baseball cap?
That's the knife in your head
'cause I was killing you in the eye.
Oh, I see.
Well, I love how you drew my hair.
That's poop.
Well, it's well-drawn.
And I'm guessing it's dog poop?
That's homeless man poop.
Oh.
All right. (SIGHING)
BRAD: I actually can't
father my own children,
ever since I hit a little
snafu at a dental office.
(MUFFLED) I've got
a little bit of a gag reflex.
Uh, close your eyes, breathe through
your nose, you'll be fine.
Oh. Okay.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(MACHINE SQUEAKING)
(BEEPS)
Oh, you got a really weird tongue.
You need to floss better.
BRAD: Ever since then, my testicles have
been more decorative than anything else.
Hey!
And I thought I'd never have a family.
Until I met a stunning mom named Sara.
Would you look at her?
I am one lucky so-and-so.
I hit the jackpot.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry I'm taking so long.
I have to show that Sixty West
building to those new clients.
- I know.
- (GASPS)
- Oh, my God! The kids' lunches.
- Already packed. I wrote them
little inspirational notes
to start them on their day.
They've already eaten their breakfasts,
and you look perfect.
You are amazing.
Look at this, huh? Another family drawing.
Oh, no. I am so sorry.
No, I think you're misunderstanding.
This is the first drawing
where I'm not dead already.
Sure, I've got a knife in my eye
and some homeless man poop on my head,
(SIGHING)
but this is showing real progress.
I think she's starting to accept me.
You can find the good
in just about anything.
I love that about you. You know that?
Thanks.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello. I'm home.
Hey.
How was the, uh...
What's wrong?
He won't talk to me.
He said he only wants to talk to you.
You want to talk to me?
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
- You mean me and your mom?
- Mmm-mmm.
- Just me? By myself?
- Mmm-hmm.
Sure. I'm...
I'm totally free. Let's go to the den.
We'll sit there.
We'll sit.
We can do it sitting or standing?
Doesn't matter. We're just gonna do it.
We're not gonna overthink it.
Yeah. Great. Okay, good.
Just the men, yeah.
A little rap session. Great.
(WHISPERING) Oh, my God.
I just want you to know that
I'm just here to listen. All right?
No judgments, no lectures,
just a compassionate ear.
- Well, there are these kids at school...
- Mmm-hmm.
...and they're bigger than me,
because they're fourth graders.
- (SHUTTER CLICKING)
- And...
Oh, was that weird?
I'm sorry, I'm just...
It's a big moment for me,
and I'm just trying to capture it.
It just came off awkward.
So, go ahead, continue telling
your story. Fourth graders.
Anyway, there are
these fourth graders, and...
He actually confided in me.
I mean, it was that father-son feeling
I've been dying for,
and it was even better than
I thought it was gonna be.
(SIGHS) I mean, he really needed me. Me.
That is so great, honey.
He even said not to tell you.
So I'm actually totally betraying
his trust right now. (CHUCKLES)
What are we gonna do about
those little snot-nosed fourth graders?
Oh, I think it's going to be fine.
He's going to try to do some
trust falls on the playground.
Really? You think that's gonna work?
As long as they catch him. Yeah.
Hey, Brad.
Yeah?
If I ask you something,
you promise you won't cry again?
Of course, sweetie. What is it?
Well, at school,
they told us about this thing,
and it's called a Daddy-Daughter Dance.
(GASPING)
So, do you want to go with me?
(SOBBING)
You said you wouldn't cry, Brad.
I'm not. Megan, yes. A million times yes.
I thought big people
weren't supposed to cry.
I think it's sweet that he's
crying like a little *****.
(GASPS) Megan!
You are not supposed
to call people that word.
You know what? It takes a real
man to show his emotions.
(SOBBING LOUDLY)
All right, that's a bit much.
VIZZINI: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
FEZZIK: Anybody want a peanut?
(ALL LAUGHING)
BRAD: We were finally becoming a family.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- I'll get it!
After being pushed away
and treated like an outsider,
I was finally becoming
the dad that I always knew I could...
Daddy!
Hi! Where are you?
Where's Cameroon?
Is that gunfire? Cool!
MEGAN: Daddy, Daddy!
I want to talk to Daddy.
Hi, Daddy.
Good.
- So your ex is calling, huh?
- (SIGHS) Yeah.
What a treat for the kids.
It's been a long time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
We're watching a really funny
movie with Mommy and Brad.
Oh, Brad is Mommy's new husband.
Wait. He doesn't know about me?
Well, I haven't talked to him
in six months.
We've been married eight months.
Brad, Daddy wants to talk to you.
- No! No, no. Don't, don't...
- I'm just going to say hi.
You don't need to do that. Brad, don't.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you, sweetie.
Hello, Dusty?
Super to make your acquaintance.
In fact, I just wish
I could shake your hand
and offer to buy you a cold one.
- Tomorrow?
- What?
BOTH: Daddy's coming! Yay!
Oh, yeah, I guess I could pick you up.
- (WHISPERS) No.
- Hmm?
It's Whitaker.
W-H-I-T-A-K-E-R. (CHUCKLES)
No, I'm not comfortable giving you
my Social Security number over the phone.
Uh, okay, yeah, my credit score is 752.
I'm very proud of that. (CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry? What sort of fighting styles
am I proficient in?
I don't know if I've ever been
asked that before.
Hello, Dusty, hello, hello? Hmm...
I lost him.
What just happened?
Did you just invite him to come here?
Is he coming tomorrow?
Well, I didn't know
he'd accept my offer so soon.
I mean, he really jumped at it.
Remember when I said he was like Jesse
James and Mick Jagger had a baby?
Yeah, I just thought maybe
he was really skinny and
jittery, and had like a little bit
of a British accent, or something.
He's wild and he's crazy.
That's why I fell in love with him.
Then you end up with two kids.
And I'm stuck there holding the bag and
he's nowhere to be found.
It doesn't matter how much love or passion,
or you can't breathe without each other.
All of that stuff is stupid in comparison.
When you have kids,
you have responsibilities.
He doesn't understand that.
Honey, this is actually a good thing.
- (SIGHS)
- I'll welcome Dusty into our home,
and we'll establish some kind
but firm boundaries.
All right? It's what Step-By-Stepdad
calls "setting up a Loving Fence."
A Loving Fence?
Wow, that sounds really great, honey.
But your self-help books
have never met Dusty Mayron.
He sounds like a rascal, but I don't
think it's anything I can't handle.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
PANDA SINGER: Check. Check, check.
Chinese Checkers,
Czech, Czech Republic, pop,
sibilance, sibilance, pop,
one, two, six, seven,
check, check, check, check.
What do you got for me, Brad?
Oh, Mr. Holt, hello. Well, hopefully
the new voice of The Panda.
Oh, listen.
I gotta leave early today. I gotta go
pick up my wife's ex at the airport.
Jesus, kid, how'd you
draw that **** detail?
Brad, why do you want
this deadbeat in your home?
Well, it's not that I want him in my home,
it's just that the better
stepparenting books
say that the worst thing you can do
for the kids is to push out the biological.
You're in the danger zone here,
Brad, and let me tell you why.
Kids that grow up without their dads
always end up obsessing over them.
Most of the hook-ups
that I've had in my adult life
have been with women
that had daddy issues.
I don't know if this is
an appropriate story.
Look, my wife would kill me
if she knew I was telling you this.
Well, then you shouldn't tell me this.
When I met her in Denver...
You're going to tell
the story, aren't you?
...she was a topless maid.
- Ninety-nine bucks an hour.
- Mmm-hmm.
Never met her father.
But who did she meet? Me.
And who did treat her like ****? Me.
I eventually loved her,
but every time she got out of line,
I'd just pull the Humvee over
and ask her to get out politely.
And then I'd drive away.
Guess what?
She showed up at home every time.
This story has no relevance
to my situation.
Oh, it doesn't at all.
It's just a good story.
So, Pete, are we going
to hear this guy, or what?
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
I'm sorry.
Keep it up, Brad.
You and I will fight in the parking lot.
BRAD: So today is the day I'm finally
meeting the father of my children.
Am I nervous? You're darn right I am.
But who wouldn't be? (SIGHS DEEPLY)
And here's the thing.
I mean, Pepe, you know, kids...
...they see through things and,
at the end of the day,
they know who's been around...
Holy balls!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I hope that's not him.
(GULPING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
There is no doubt this man
is your better in every way.
Well, you're kind to say that. Thank you.
Yeah, I feel pretty good.
- Hey, you Dusty?
- Nope.
What?
Are you sure?
Are you Dusty... No, you're not Dusty.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(ON RADIO) You've got
Jason Sinclair on The Panda,
the station everybody
in the office can agree on.
What is this?
Now if you're up in Wolf Trap this weekend,
do yourself a favor and check out...
(DOOR OPENING)
Hey! Where have you been?
I called you like 100 times.
(SIGHS) I know, my phone died. Look...
This motorcycle, is this...
Yes. He's here.
- He's here?
- Yes.
What's he doing inside there?
He's giving the kids
all kinds of Starbursts.
Starbursts? God damn it!
Sorry. Sorry. (EXHALES)
I'm a hot habanero pepper right now.
I got a few bullet points I want to
bring up with our friend Dusty,
starting with airport etiquette,
courtesy and expectation.
MEGAN: Oh, good story, Daddy!
You like that story? It's all true. Hey!
Who wants some more Starbursts and
a couple of uncirculated silver dollars?
So you are Dusty.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I sure am. You must be
the new and improved husband.
Bring it in, big guns.
I already met you at the airport.
No, I don't recall that, friend.
Yeah, I walked right up to you
and asked if you were Dusty.
I'm pretty sure I'd remember
a heavy hitter like yourself.
(SCOFFS)
Well, must have been my mistake.
All right, that was me at the airport.
- Yeah, I know that.
- The truth is,
I saw you before you saw me,
and I'm thinking,
"This is the guy who's raising my kids?"
"And damn it if he doesn't
look like the real deal."
I mean, look at you.
You figured it out, didn't you?
You cracked the code.
(CHUCKLES) I don't know about that.
Don't play that humble game with me.
He is so humble. He's just too humble.
Honey, you got it goin' on.
Everybody says so.
Yeah, I got it goin' way on.
So you can understand
why I panicked at the airport.
- I froze, Brad. I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
Look, these are tricky waters to navigate.
They sure are, man. I mean,
that is insightful.
You know, I thought it was weird Sara
didn't tell me about you before.
I thought, what's she hiding?
And now I know.
A champion.
Hey, Brad! Did you see Dad's motorcycle?
Isn't it cool?
BRAD: It sure is.
What is that, an Indian?
Yep.
I believe they're manufactured
in Minneapolis.
I've never been, but that's the setting
for The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
And... What's the other... Rhoda.
Which I want to say was a spin-off.
Damn! You really know
your bikes, Brad. You ride?
Uh-huh. Yeah!
- Really?
- BRAD: Yeah.
I mean, not anymore. I did, you know,
back in college. I had a, um...
I had a Kawa-saki? Kawasaki Nine.
Yeah.
With the fenders and the...
The broil joint. So...
Well, you should get on her, man. Come on!
Take her out, see what she can do.
She's got a lot of power.
Oh, no, no, no.
Yeah, Brad! Brad... Please!
No. Hey, come on, kids. It's time for bed.
It's way past your bedtime.
Let's brush your teeth.
All right, come on, guys,
listen to your mom. Hey, look...
(STUTTERS) I don't want to overstep, but
it would mean the world to me
if I could tuck in our two little blessings.
Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course.
They're your kids. Tuck away.
Oh, thank you for that, Brad.
The King messed up. He messed up bad.
He thought he could just
ride off to slay dragons,
and his Queen would always be
waiting for him.
And then one day the King received word
that his dominion was being ruled over
by some curly-headed Step King
with good credit?
Oh, no!
Well, the King rode hard up on his lands,
and when he arrived,
he did gaze fondly upon the Queen,
remembering their good times together,
for he had known her in her prime,
when she was down for anything,
and I do mean anything.
Psst...
Sounds like your dad's spinning
quite a yarn. Mind if I listen in?
Oh, actually, it's getting late.
You two need to get some sack time.
BOTH: No, we want more story, please!
Hey, I'd love to be in here all night,
but let's be respectful of Brad's rules,
no matter how arbitrary they seem.
All right?
Good night, my little golden treasures.
Good night, my little magical cherubs.
- Here comes some butterfly kisses.
- (GIGGLING)
And some Eskimo kisses.
Good night, buddy.
Sleep tight. Sleep tight.
Hey, who wants good-night tickles?
- BOTH: Me!
- (DUSTY CHUCKLES)
Good night, my little breath of God.
Good night, my little Jesus teardrop.
I almost forgot, my famous
good-night back scratches.
- Oh, so relaxing, so relaxing.
- (SIGHING)
Good night, sweetie bear.
Hey, who wants twenty bucks?
- BOTH: I do! Me!
- Twenty dollars?
- What?
- Oh, yeah.
One for you, and one for you.
I don't know if that's appropriate.
Ah, don't worry about it.
BRAD: Okay. Good night.
So, uh, if you want to, why don't you
come by tomorrow after school?
Might be a good time to...
What about the cold one?
The cold one?
You promised me
a cold one and a handshake.
Cold one. One cold one, coming up.
Great. I'll grab my jacket,
we'll go outside.
Perfect. All right.
Hey! Psst...
What are you doing?
What are you guys buddies now?
No. I mean, I offered him a cold one.
I really should honor
the cold one promise.
(SIGHS) Fine. You give him a cold one,
and then you get rid of him, okay?
You put up your Loving Fence,
- remember?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Then you come to bed.
- Okay.
- Will do.
- Okay.
DUSTY: What you got going on over here?
Oh, uh, that's a treehouse. A little, uh,
bonding project for Dylan and I.
Yeah, we've been at it
for about two months.
DUSTY: It's looking good.
BRAD: Thank you.
So, Dusty, how long do you think
you're going to be in town for?
Well, Brad, the truth is,
I'm wheels-up a week from tomorrow.
Time to get out there and
kick some ass for America.
Oh, I see. So you're a soldier?
Nope.
Oh, so you're a, uh...
Yep.
Yep, what?
(CHUCKLES) You don't want to know
any more than that, Brad.
Okay.
Um, listen, Dusty, I think that we should
set up a visitation schedule.
Right? That way, you feel like
you have ample time with the children...
Why don't we cut the ****, Brad?
No, we don't have to cut the ****.
You want to know what I'm doing here,
why don't you quit looking at
whatever you wrote on your hand?
Be a man and ask me, Brad.
Okay. What are you doing here?
Now, we both know kids need
a single primary male role model.
Sara's made her choice.
I'm man enough to
let that role model be you.
I will vouch for you with my children.
I will give them my sacred
permission to trust you.
To love you and to
call you Dad.
You'd do that for me?
No.
But I will do it for them.
That is what you want, isn't it, Brad?
More than anything in the world.
He played you.
You just got so played out there.
I know it looks that way, 'cause
I promised I would ask him to leave,
and then I invited him to stay for a week,
but he didn't play me.
You know what he did? He cut the ****.
- Oh, he did?
- And I gotta say, it was refreshing.
I think more of us could stand
to just cut the ****, you know.
- Right.
- In one conversation,
he just blew by
eight chapters in my stepdad book.
I mean, this is gonna be so good
for me and the kids.
Oh, baby, you have no idea
who you're dancing with.
Dusty gets into your head,
- that's what he does.
- (WHIRRING)
(MUFFLED) He has a very impressive,
rugged bravado,
there's no question. But I gotta say,
I think in here, there's
a soft, soft creamy center.
You know? I think he feels a lot.
He just... He needs
someone with this, a big ear.
And I got them. Mmm.
Oh, good morning, Dusty.
- Hey.
- You're up and at 'em.
- (OVEN TIMER DINGS)
- Yeah, I got up early
- and did a quick 20.
- Really?
- Twenty minutes of what?
- Oh, twenty miles.
Did a little light sparring,
then I whipped up
a pan of piping-hot
cinnamon rolls for my family.
And I made one for you, too.
Wow. That's very impressive, thank you.
- DUSTY: Good morning, gang!
- Ooh, it smells yummy!
Our real dad's a super,
super-duper good cook!
- Mmm-hmm.
- Here you go, guys.
Yeah, it looks an awful lot like Cinnabon.
Well, thank you, Brad.
What a nice thing to say.
Mmm, it tastes exactly like Cinnabon!
In fact, same shape,
same swirl, same frosting.
Now you're starting to embarrass me,
but I do appreciate the compliment.
Good morning, Sar-bear!
- Morning.
- Hey, listen, guys,
Brad and I had a talk last night
about the importance of family.
And now that everyone's here,
I wanted to say a few words, okay?
I think that would be great.
Hey, kids, you know, families can be
ever-growing and changing things.
And sometimes someone new
knocks on the door of your heart
and you're not sure if you
have room in there for one more.
But there's someone here now
that I hope you guys can learn to love.
Okay?
(WHISTLING)
- Come here, boy!
- (GROWLING)
BOTH: A doggy! Yay!
You brought a dog home?
Yeah. Is that a problem?
I mean, you seemed
really into it while I was teeing it up.
No, I thought you were talking about me.
- Oh, but you're not a dog, Brad.
- No... (SCOFFS)
Look, last night, when we talked...
Oh, yeah. Well, listen,
that's got to happen organically.
Why can't it happen now?
It just can't.
You're dirty.
SARA: Dusty, how old is that thing?
I'd guess him to be around 15.
I mean, I found him this morning,
living in a storm drain.
I named him Tumor,
because of how much he grows on you.
BOTH: Mommy, can we keep Tumor, please?
Oh, I'm gonna leave this one up to Brad.
BOTH: Please, Brad! Please!
Why is he looking at me like that?
- (GROWLING)
- He's only looking at me.
Maybe we just get a puppy instead?
A puppy, Brad? What are they
going to learn from a puppy?
An old dog like Tumor here's
been out in the world, man. Living free.
Fighting for survival and seeing things
we can only dream of.
Just look at the wisdom
in those cloudy eyes.
Besides, you know what happens
to old dogs at shelters.
He's gonna have to walk the green mile
as soon as he gets there.
No, Brad, no! Don't kill our dog!
I hate you!
Okay. Okay. Fine.
He can live out his few
remaining weeks with us.
Yay! Thanks, Brad.
I don't hate you anymore.
He's going potty!
SARA: Oh, my God.
We'll clean it up. We don't mind.
Look at that.
The dog's already
teaching them responsibility.
Hey, guys, when you got to
pick up the potty, use gloves.
- He's definitely got worms in his poo.
- (BOTH GROANING IN DISGUST)
(SIGHS)
SARA: Dusty!
Can you please move this thing?
I can't get my car out of the garage.
Hey, Brad, do you mind?
I want to grab a quick shower.
Yeah, sure, no problem.
- Hey, honey.
- Hi, sweetie.
It's blocking everything.
No, I know. I know, don't worry.
We're on top of it.
What are you doing? Brad, I don't...
Hey! Stay away from that, please.
(GRUNTS)
Honey, what are you doing?
- (ENGINE REVVING)
- (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
I don't know if that's a good idea, Brad.
Dusty!
It's vibrating up into my shoulders.
Hey, it's okay, Brad.
Look, she's a lot of bike, man.
No, I'm good. Why don't you go
back in and take that shower,
so you can get a shirt on?
Oh, you got it.
Hey, you look good on that, man.
Remember, one down, four up.
Dusty, everyone knows it's one down...
- (SCREAMING)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(CRASHING)
Did Brad just die?
I think we all need to prepare ourselves
for that possibility, pumpkin. Okay?
Brad!
Brad!
- (BRAD GROANING)
- (GASPING)
Oh, my God.
- (COUGHING)
- Brad, are you all right?
No, I'm not all right.
I'm in the wall. I'm scared.
Oh, honey.
Jeez, Brad, I thought you said
you could ride.
I can ride, okay.
Would you get a shirt on?
I think if you could ride, you wouldn't
be stuck in a wall right now, Brad.
SARA:
Yeah. I'm sorry to say it, but he's right.
You almost killed the kids!
DUSTY: Let's not beat up
on Brad here. Okay?
He was showboating for the kids
a little bit, and things got out of hand.
Let's all just be grateful
nobody got hurt. Okay?
I got hurt!
Okay, kids, listen up.
This is a good lesson
on why you never wanna lie
about your ability to do things
you clearly can't do, okay, huh?
I think my arm is stuck in the wall.
DUSTY: Brad, just stay still.
I'll get you out.
No, no, no, no, no. No, don't do anything.
And would you please
just go and get a shirt on?
Just calm down, all right?
- (SARA SCREAMING)
- (GROANING)
Hey, I'm really sorry about
what happened to your car.
Yeah, and I'm sorry about
what happened to your bike.
Oh, no damage. Not a scratch.
- Oh, not even one scratch?
- Unbelievable.
(LAUGHS) That's so good.
(ROOF THUDS)
Let's keep it going! Inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Morning, Jerry.
Got to keep it inside the cones!
No, Daddy! You're supposed
to stay in the cones!
Whoa, whoa! Inside the cones!
- Inside. Bring her in. That's better.
- (SIGHS)
Let's keep those kids safe today, okay?
Thank you, Brad.
Sorry, Doris.
It's okay. This whole drop-off line thing
can be a bit overwhelming
if you're not used to it.
Yeah, well, I've landed a chopper
in the middle of a Cuban prison riot,
Brad, I think I'm good.
(BEEPING)
Bye, guys! I love you guys so much.
Have a great day, okay?
- Bye, Daddy!
- Make sure you do all your work.
Bye, guys. Have the best day.
I love you so...
BRAD: Here's the exciting thing.
We just opened up in our 68th market,
making The Panda America's
number three smooth jazz station.
Wow.
And here it is. My, uh... My little nook.
Wow. Oh, man, I gotta admit,
this is more than I expected.
Wow.
I kind of envy you, Brad.
Oh, stop it.
Ah, it's true. I mean, you're a nice guy,
making a comfortable living,
and the most fantastic woman
in the world loves you dearly.
Really? Thanks for saying that.
I mean it. And that sacrifice
she's making for you... That's true love.
Sacrifice?
Well, sure, Brad.
You know how bad
that girl wants another baby.
She wants another baby?
For her to let that slip away
and marry a man she knew to be barren,
that's true love.
How do you know that I can't...
- Bradley.
- Yes.
Caroline says we're gonna hear some
new voice talent this a.m.?
Yes, sir, in about 15 minutes.
Okay. How'd it go
- with the ****bag ex-husband?
- Uh-uh.
You whip his ass with
that Loving Fence of yours?
(LAUGHS)
Well, actually it's interesting, Mr. Holt,
because I want you to meet Dusty Mayron.
Jesus in the morning.
She was married to him first?
Okay. Let's establish some
ground rules, pretty boy.
- Airborne?
- Huh?
Well, your lapel pin.
101st, that's one hell of a division, sir.
Oh, well, thank you, Dusty.
Are you Airborne?
Oh, no, sir, I'm afraid
I don't share that honor,
but I'm humbled to be in the
presence of anyone who does.
Airborne Division? Those guys love to fly.
Very nice to meet you, sir.
Thank you, thank you.
It's good to meet you.
My pleasure. It's an honor.
Fast friends over there. (CHUCKLES)
That's wonderful.
Come on! No way!
The whole time you're running guns
for the freedom fighters
right under the cartel's noses,
and they never suspected it was you once?
Well, I'm sure they started to suspect
once they were in a ball of fire
the size of four city blocks.
(LAUGHING)
That's great. I love that!
Holy buckets, Brad!
If this guy was my wife's ex,
I'd put a bullet in my skull.
(BOTH LAUGH)
DUSTY: Come on, Leo, cut it out.
Oh, uh... Sir, I think Barry's ready.
You're really going to like this guy.
Okay. Ready to listen.
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
All right. Mmm-hmm.
- You like him, Brad?
- I do.
I do. I mean, I think his voice
has a warm dependability
that all Panda listeners could trust.
What do you think, Duster?
(BRAD LAUGHS)
Does Dusty now work for The Panda?
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm not really into smooth jazz.
I shouldn't comment.
(SCOFFS) Nobody's into smooth jazz.
I'm into smooth jazz.
Of course you are, Brad.
So what do you think, Dusty?
I mean, it just seems a little flaccid.
I think you need a voice with some
virility and hope, that tells listeners,
"Hey! Maybe the next song
won't suck as bad as the last one."
Also, I think a strong ability
to be something like...
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
What...
What just happened?
He sang the tagline.
- Good boy, Tumor!
- (CAR HONKING)
BOTH: Daddy!
DUSTY: Hey!
Oh, perfect timing. Listen to this.
DUSTY ON RADIO: One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
- Is that you?
- Yeah!
SARA: That's you?
Why is that him?
I took him to work, and 15 minutes later
he's the new voice of The Panda.
Hey, you believe that? I record
one take at 9:30 this morning,
it's already run 11 times.
Do I really get 182 bucks
every time they play that?
Yes. Every time, yes.
Ooh! Money.
You see why I love America
even more than most people do?
Hey. What's this?
Just the handyman
I hired off Angie's List.
He's upstairs fixing the damage.
Your wife had to hire a man? For what?
Some framing, a little sheetrock repair,
some masonry and basic window glazing?
Come on, Brad.
We can bang that out tonight.
Yeah.
It's just basic sheetrock glazing
and, you know, little whatamajigs.
Get up there and
get in there and crank it out.
Dusty is pretty good with his hands.
Pretty good with my hands,
Brad, she knows.
Okay. Yeah, I'll just go
up there and I'll...
- Want me to do it? I'll tell him to screw.
- No, no, no, no.
No, no, no. That's okay.
I'll tell him,
- "Guess what, bub?"
- Tell him the men are here.
I'll say that.
I'll say, "The men are here."
- Let's do it.
- I don't want to imply to him
that he's not a man. But I'll just say,
"Hey, the boys are back in town." Right?
(HAMMERING)
Oh, hi.
I'm Brad. Uh... My wife hired you.
Nice to meet you, Brad.
I just came up here to say that you...
That, um, you should have good luck.
Thank you for your wishes of luck.
I'll be downstairs.
Well? What happened?
Oh, you know, I think it's...
He already started,
and I just think it feels wrong.
Why? Because he's black?
No. No, no.
Megan! Dylan!
- What are you doing? Huh?
- Teaching moment.
Guys, what would we call Brad
if he treated someone differently
just because of the color of their skin?
- (BOTH GASP)
- Brad's being racism?
Racist, honey. Brad is a racist.
- Honey.
- No, I mean... But not on purpose.
Is Brad a Klan person?
No. (LAUGHS)
So I'm a racist if I don't fire someone?
Well, yeah, you are.
Yeah, you are.
Sir, you're taking this all wrong.
Right. So you get one look
at the color of my skin,
and all of a sudden you're
Mr. Do It Yourself, huh?
No, not at all. Please, allow me
to pay you for your time and travel.
Don't do me any favors, Paula Deen.
(SIGHS)
I'm not a woman.
You did the right thing.
Boy, it doesn't feel that way.
Let's get cracking.
Where do you keep your tools?
I know where Brad keeps his tools.
In the credenza.
- Yeah.
- You keep your tools
- in the credenza, Brad?
- In the credenza. Mmm-hmm.
Just easier to get to.
- It's convenient.
- Yeah.
(CLATTERING)
This is a tackle box, Brad.
Are we going fishing?
No. Unless you want to go fishing.
What have you got in here?
A hammer, masking tape,
three C batteries and a tampon.
Yeah, well, a tampon's handy for...
Yeah, I know what they're handy for.
So are we not going to fix it?
Well, what do you want from me, Brad?
To buy all the gear we need
would cost more
than just hiring someone
off of Angie's List.
- (GROWLING)
- (GASPS)
And the King, he thought the Step King
seemed okay at first, a little soft, maybe,
but, heck, the Queen needed a meal ticket.
But the more the King learned about him,
the more he doubted the
Step King's ability to lead.
So the King decided
there was only one way to...
Psst... Hey. Good story?
Yeah. The King finally
came back to his castle.
But the evil Step King
wouldn't give him his crown back.
Oh, okay, yeah.
I think I've heard this story before.
Ah, it's a story as old as time, Brad.
Well, you know what? It turns out
the Step King wasn't evil at all.
He was a really good guy.
Fun at parties, great conversationalist,
affable. And he saw
that the beautiful Queen
and perfect Prince and Princess
were all alone, and he came
valiantly to their rescue.
Yeah, but wasn't the Queen sad because
the Step King couldn't give
her an heir to the throne?
Okay, you know what?
Now this is getting personal.
Hey, Brad, come on.
We're just doing fairy tales here.
All right. Well, the Queen wasn't sad,
just for the record. (STUTTERING)
The Step King was pretty sure
she was totally cool with it.
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm sure the Queen was thrilled. Right?
Right?
Yeah.
Honey,
what's the matter?
Are you still sad about
Dusty finding your tampon?
No. No, I mean,
this is a little embarrassing,
but it's just, I was...
Is there any chance
you still want another baby?
Oh, my God. What, did Dusty say something?
He's just trying to get in your head.
So it's not true then?
Okay. Maybe I did want another baby.
But it's not possible,
given what happened to your...
And I'm not blaming them. I love them.
They are my fuzzy little pals.
You don't have to say that.
They are.
I am 100% happy
with the family that I have.
The only reason I'm putting up with him is
because my kids are so happy to see him.
And I want them to have
a relationship with their father.
You know what?
I can't wait to see his face
when he figures out
how much you really do for his kids.
Yeah. I mean, I'm
involved. I'm emotionally available.
Yeah, you are.
You are darn right.
It's high time Dusty sees
how a real dad does it.
I am fired up!
(SIGHS)
Let's get some shut-eye.
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Hallelujah!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, dudes! Hey, T.J.!
Brad! Look what Dad did!
He finished the treehouse for you!
Hey, hey! B-man!
No, watch out, B!
(BRAD GROANING)
Hey, Brad. Sorry about that.
- You all right?
- (CONTINUES GROANING)
Brad, what do you think, man?
Wow. Pretty cool zipline.
You like that, huh? It's military grade.
You built all this today? With my tools?
Oh, no, you can't build a treehouse
with a tampon, Brad.
No, I had a little bit of help.
Yo, Dylan, PS4 is all hooked up.
- Thanks, Uncle Griff.
- No problem, buddy.
Uncle Griff?
Dude, I went out for a beer last night,
and who's tending bar but our man Griffy?
We get to talking and we just click.
You know what I mean?
He's a great dude, man. He really is.
I know how you feel about him,
but just give him a chance.
All right? He's having
a tough time at home,
and your firing him sure didn't help.
Well, I fired him because you made me!
- I made you?
- Yeah.
Am I in charge around here now?
Is my name on the mortgage?
Last time I checked,
you were the man of the house,
and me and Griffy were just staying here.
- He's not staying here.
- Because he's black?
No, not because of that.
Look, Griffy helped me
knock this out, all right?
So despite any prejudices
that you may or may not have...
I don't have any prejudices.
I said "may or may not."
- Well, it's may not.
- Well, that's good.
Because that's one of the ones I said.
Hey, kids, come on.
Helmets on the half-pipe.
We got to be safe around here.
Wait, half-pipe?
Look, I know it's taking up
a lot of the yard, but it's gonna make
your house the coolest place
in the neighborhood.
I got a sound system, we got
a couple Go-Pros. That's Corey
from Red Bull over there.
Hey, Corey!
You got a sponsor for my backyard?
Hey, Mr. Mayron! You want next?
Nicholas, please, it's Dusty!
And, yes, I do. Brad, watch this run.
I'm gonna dedicate this run
to my future X-Games champs,
Dylan and Megan. This is for you!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(BLOWS)
Looks like you picked
the wrong leisure activity, buddy.
(ALL CHEERING)
Thank you.
- Oh, hey, Sara.
- Hi.
Okay. Who's got next?
BRAD: I do!
Look!
(ALL GASPING)
Some cute little tricks there, Dusty.
(LAUGHS)
Really adorable.
Brad?
Hey, who'd like to see
how we used to do it
back in the empty pools of Encino,
Castaic, Irvine, Long Beach?
Santa Clarita?
Santa Cruz?
Fremont?
Honey, no, please come down.
Oh, I intend to, sister.
Come on, Brad, it hasn't been that long.
Godspeed.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (GRUNTS)
- ALL: Whoa!
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! Brad!
Oh, no, it's best not to touch him.
Wait a second.
What do you mean, don't touch him?
He's in trouble.
Look, I know he's in trouble, okay?
But if there's a problem, who
do you want to be in charge?
You?
Okay. All right, guys,
we have an emergency situation.
And what's the first thing we do? Anybody?
- You! Redhead.
- Call 911.
Close. But wrong.
First thing we do is remain calm.
Yeah, that's good advice.
The 911 operator can't understand you
if you're hysterical, okay?
So let's all take a deep breath.
In for ten...
Are you kidding me right now? Help him!
Hey, that doesn't sound calm, Sara.
Now, please, call 911
and relate to the dispatcher
- what happened calmly, okay?
- Okay, yes.
Anybody know what we do next?
Check for pulse!
Nice! My star pupil! Come on up here.
All right! Okay, two fingers on the neck,
right below the ear.
- Good. You feel a heartbeat?
- Uh-uh.
Okay, now that means that
Brad here is now clinically... Anybody?
- You, Jean Jacket!
- Dead?
Attaboy, Jean Jacket. You're a smart kid.
He is dead.
All right, so what do we do?
Come on, we're losing him here.
Give him C.P.R.?
Yes! That's my girl.
Come on up here, sweetie.
All right! All right, lock your fingers like
this and press down hard right here.
- (GRUNTING)
- Oh, great job, sweetheart.
Dusty, hurry!
Okay, I'm going to go ahead
and take this one.
Okay? Watch closely now.
If you do your
chest compressions properly,
it shouldn't take long. Clear out, guys.
(WHIRRING)
(GASPING)
- I got him! I got him!
- (COUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING)
My dad can bring people
back from the dead!
(GROANING)
Mr. Whitaker's a zombie!
(MUTTERING)
Look, I'm okay, really.
I just got a little jolt.
You got a little killed
is what you got, Brad.
We thought we lost you.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I just got tired of being
the lame stepdad.
All the kids think he's Superman.
Well, now you know how I felt.
I always had to be the bad guy mom,
giving out the carrots
and the punishments,
and he would breeze in
from God only knows where
and get to be the cool, fun dad.
Honey. Look. (SIGHS)
I'll talk to him, okay?
I'll tell him to get his stuff
and get over to the Red Roof Inn. Pronto.
Great.
(TV PLAYING)
Wait. Prince Hans is actually the bad guy?
Man, I didn't see that coming at all.
He seemed like he really loved Anna.
MEGAN: I hate Prince Hans.
Dusty.
- Hey, how you feeling, Sparky?
- (CHUCKLES)
Sparky. That's hilarious.
DUSTY: Brad, have you seen this movie?
It's unbelievable, man.
There's these two sisters,
one of them has ice powers.
Yeah, I'm familiar with Frozen.
Listen, Dusty, I need to talk to you now.
I can't talk now, Brad.
Just pause the movie!
Can you guys talk out there, please?
Griff, man. You gotta pause it, man.
No! I don't want to ruin the momentum.
He won't... Dude, if another song
comes on, you got to pause it. Okay?
Am I supposed to pause my emotions?
Just pause the song, man.
What's up? What's up?
What's going on, Brad?
- This shouldn't take long.
- Okay, good.
Listen, um, I just think
that you're being here...
Yeah. No problem.
...and now there's Griff here,
it's presenting some obstacles...
(SOBBING)
Stupid helmet!
Honey, what happened?
They pushed me off my bike again!
- I'm so sick of it!
- (CLATTERING)
I want them dead, Brad. All right?
I want their parents dead.
And if they don't have parents, I want
their primary caregivers dead.
Do you understand me?
- Okay, okay.
- He's okay.
Megan's upstairs playing with him.
I am so pissed about this.
Was it the fourth graders again?
Fourth graders?
What, you knew about this, Brad?
Yeah. Dylan asked to speak
specifically to me about it.
- Really?
- So, we role-played
some conflict resolution dialogue.
Are you being serious right now, Brad?
What you need to be teaching him
is some ass-beating resolution.
Damn straight. You got to
make a statement. Set a tone.
It's kind of a family matter over here.
No, Dusty and Griff are right.
Those little punks need
their butts whooped.
Hey, you got any Miracle Whip?
Yeah, it's behind the... (SIGHS)
Here. Hold on. Let me just get it for you.
Guys, I know we're upset right now,
but here's the thing.
Violence never solved anything.
Hey, check your history books, buddy.
Almost everything is solved by violence.
There are better ways.
Okay. Name one. Besides dialoguing.
- Name one?
- Name one!
- What do you mean, name one?
- You said you could
solve problems with
things other than fighting.
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
Well, you said you knew!
You act like you knew!
- Fine, yes!
- What?
Dancing! Dancing.
Did you... Did you just say dancing, Brad?
It's very popular in youth culture
to resolve conflict through dancing.
They step up to each other and get served
by crunking, or popping and locking.
They call each other out, they take turns,
and it is no less intense
than a classic street brawl.
But, at the end of the day, no one's hurt.
And it's a great aerobic workout.
He's flailing a bit,
but he has a good point.
There's a rich history
of dance battles in film.
- You got Breakin' 1...
- I didn't even think of this.
...Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.
One of the rare cases
where the sequel was better
- than the original.
- Much better.
You got Step Up, Stomp the Yard.
He makes a solid point.
Honey, are you telling us that we
should teach Dylan to dance?
(SIGHS) No, I'm just saying that
teaching him to fight isn't the answer.
Okay, but maybe teaching him
to fight back isn't so bad?
BRAD: Okay.
There we go. Perfect.
That's good, right there.
Yeah. A lot of protection.
All right, Dylan. You ready, buddy?
- I guess.
- Oh, you're ready.
Brad, Griff. You guys be
the fourth graders.
- I'll be Dylan.
- Okay.
All right. Hey, buddy, the first thing you
want to do is call out the biggest one.
Hey! What's the matter?
You too much of a pussy to take me on
without your little *****es to back you up?
Wow. Okay, yes.
That cut right through me, there.
I'm filled with inner shame right now.
Saying to myself,
"Gosh, maybe I'm not behaving
"100% the way I want to."
Right? Is that same page?
No. What the kid's gonna think
is, "Now I can beat your ass
"all on my own." But now
you only got one bully to contend with.
Now bullies always open up
with some shoving first.
- Watch. Brad, give me a little shove.
- All right.
(YELPS)
Whoa, I didn't connect there, did I?
No. It was really close, though.
See what I did, buddy?
I turned my body just enough
to let his weight bring him in,
then I came right down Broadway.
- I'm not gonna hit you.
- Oh.
- Okay, relax. Okay?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Bam!
- (ALL GASP)
It's called the element of surprise.
Then you start punking his ass!
You want some more of that, *****, huh?
You like that, *****?
All right. Do we really
need to use that word?
- No.
- Honey, yes.
Unfortunately, we do. I'm sorry.
You have to make him a *****.
It's a fundamental step in
destroying a bully's psyche.
Now stay down, *****!
Then you kick that kid right in the nuts!
Kick him in the nuts, Dylan!
Wait! I thought you were in my gang.
Yeah, but once Dylan tuned you up,
I switched sides.
What do you think happens
out there on the playground, Brad?
All right, now come on, buddy.
It's your turn. All right?
I'll be the fourth grader.
Can I just go inside already, please?
Hey, buddy come on, this is easy.
You can do this.
I said, no! I don't like this stuff.
I'll just stay away from them
from now on. Mom?
Okay, come here, buddy.
- Come on. It's all right.
- Brad.
Help me out here. Come on.
Hey, wait.
Pal, listen...
I know what it's like
to be afraid to go to school.
Okay? When I was your age,
this group of older kids
started picking on me.
I ran and I cried
underneath the bleachers.
They bothered me every day,
because they knew
I was too afraid to face them.
Until one day, I'd had enough.
And I socked Jesse Hubbard
right in the nose.
Really? And they left you alone?
Damn right they did.
Brad. (SOFTLY) That was good.
Come here, buddy.
Hey, I'm proud of you. All right?
Now, look at me. I want you to punch them
right in the Adam's apple. Okay?
I want you to shatter their throat.
Hold on, hold on.
I'm sorry. Look, I'm having
a pang of guilt right now.
Full disclosure. Some of the elements
of my story weren't exactly true.
Um, the incessant crying, 100% true.
The constant bullying, absolutely,
it all happened, but I, uh...
I've never punched anyone in my life.
I could have told you that.
- Then what did you do?
- Yeah, what did you do?
Well, nothing at all.
In fact, sixth grade was so rough,
I changed my name to Devin Lacecock.
Why the hell would you tell him that?
I pretended to be blind for an entire
school year, just to elicit empathy.
Which was great until
they found me intently watching
an episode of MASH.
In fact, it got so bad,
my parents had to refinance
our house to put me in private school.
Let's just do that.
Can I go to private school, please?
No, Dylan, we can't do that.
Want to know why?
Because ever since that day,
I've always run away from conflict.
In fact, if I had a dad like Dusty
when I was your age, maybe
he could have taught me
how to stand up for myself.
So, wait. You're saying,
if I don't stick up for myself now,
I'll grow up to be a huge wussy like you?
Um, yes. That is the basic
gist of what I'm saying. Yes.
Okay. Then let's do this.
DUSTY: Come on, buddy, you got this.
Give me something. Come on.
Faster, harder, meaner, stronger.
You're fast, you're good.
You're a winner. You're a champion.
They got to let you off the leash, baby.
We got a little pit bull here.
That was really nice, you guys. Good job.
It was really fun to watch
the two of you working together
like a couple of great co-dads.
Yeah.
Co-dads. That's...
That's good stuff.
You know what?
In that same spirit of unity,
I want to show my gratitude
for your inviting me
to stay here and share moments like these.
Oh, about that, Dusty.
When I pulled you over there, actually...
No, what you've done here
does not go unnoticed.
And I repay my debts.
Look, Sara, I know how much
you want another child.
I think I can help
put a baby in there for you.
- Oh, my God!
- What are you saying?
- I mean I got a guy.
- Dusty, please! You got a guy?
Yes, I got a guy. A fertility doctor.
He's a buddy of mine.
I trained him for his first Ironman.
All right? Dr. Francisco is the real deal.
- Dr. Emilio Francisco?
- You've heard of him?
Oh, my God, yeah.
He's been on Dr. Oz like 10 times.
Yeah, he's one of the top five reproductive
endocrinologists in the country.
See? People wait years
to get an appointment with this guy.
Do you really think he would see us?
- Whoa, whoa, hold on.
- I know he would.
If anybody can help you
have a baby, he can.
Mommy's going to have a baby?
Cool! Can we name it Griff?
Oh, thanks, D-man.
Look, you guys,
I don't know if this is a good idea.
What, you don't wanna name your baby
after a black person?
- Is that it?
- No!
You probably want to name it something
really white, like Connor or Gordon.
Harland, or Scot with one T. Or Brad.
No, no, Griff is a lovely name.
I'm just saying,
I don't think it's a good
idea to get our hopes up,
because, in the end,
odds are, I'm going to let you down.
Okay, honey, but what if I promise,
promise, promise not to get my hopes up?
We could just try, right? It can't hurt.
Okay, sure.
But you can't get your hopes up.
No. I won't, I won't! Thank you!
I feel like you've already
gotten your hopes up.
- Where are you going?
- Nowhere!
- You calling your mother?
- No!
Okay, yes, but it's about something else.
It's not about something else.
Damn it, Brad, he set you up.
He used this fancy doctor
to get your wife back on the baby train.
When those test results come back
and prove that you can't give her a baby,
guess who's gonna be waiting
there cocked and loaded?
Well, I trust my wife, so we really don't
need to keep talking about it, okay?
Let me tell you a little story, Brad.
When Jeneane, my fourth, and I
were returning from our honeymoon,
she told me that
she had a 23-year-old kid.
Brazilian boy.
Said she had him real young.
So he moves in with us.
Doesn't speak a lick of English.
There are the usual tensions.
I try to assert my authority.
"Andreas, get your feet
off the furniture."
"Andreas, you're too old
to sleep in bed with Mommy."
"Andreas, you got to stay off the 'roids."
And he'd get mad,
and hit me with a car antenna.
Eh... Maybe that's the way kids are.
No. Not really.
So I adopt him,
help him get his citizenship.
The second the papers come through,
guess what happens?
I already know.
Bam! They shack up together in Barstow.
It turns out Andreas
- is her boyfriend, Brad.
- Mmm-hmm.
I did not see it coming.
I actually did, about one,
two words into your story.
The moral of this fable is,
it's good to know when you're beaten.
- You know I think the world of you, Brad.
- Thank you.
But if I'm being completely honest,
even I'm rooting for Dusty.
He's just so damn likeable.
You know, it's getting kind of late.
Shouldn't we just get back to work?
Okay, you win.
So where are we on The Panda Jam
numbers for next summer?
London, you still on the conference call?
Dusty Mayron, you crazy hijo de puta!
- (LAUGHS) Hey, what's up, Doc?
- (EXCLAIMING)
You look great, man. You still
rocking those Ironmans, huh?
Yeah, bro.
I just finished Brazil in 11:40.
- That's unbelievable.
- Yeah. Well, come on.
Ain't nothing on you, man.
Hey, my first race,
I'm limping across the finish line
when this ******* laps me.
I mean, come on, who wins an Ironman,
then decides to go around again?
Who does that?
It sounds exhausting.
Hey, I'm Dr. Francisco. You must be Sara.
Hi. (LAUGHS)
Dusty, you were not lying
about this one. Very nice.
And you weren't lying
about this one either.
You must be Chief Glowing Sack.
What? (LAUGHS)
Hey, come on,
I'm just lighting you up, man.
Come on, little hug.
Okay, come on back, y'all.
Let's take a look.
All right. So let's run it down.
I think we can safely say that your issue
has nothing to do with X-rays.
You know what, sweetheart, come here.
Let's see that pretty little hand.
Okay. Now put it right in here.
- Oh!
- Okay, you feel that?
- Yeah.
- Okay, that is not how you want
testicles to be shaped.
Really? It feels like all the other...
Hi.
Well, it cuts off blood flow, okay?
Limits potency.
You want them to...
You know what? Actually...
- Hey, Dusty!
- Hey.
- Why is he coming in here?
- Little help in here, please.
Oh, come on. You gotta put me
through this every time?
- Come on. Be a sport.
- All right.
Oh, my God! What are you doing?
Is this even ethical?
(GASPS) James and the Giant Peach.
(GULPS)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
It's okay, I gulp every time.
You see, this... This is what you want.
Plump and bulbous.
Glassy smooth, like
two Patrick Stewarts,
you know what I mean?
Don't embarrass me in front
of Sara like this anymore, okay?
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, sorry, bro.
So, ready to milk the cow,
see if we even got a sliver of hope here?
Hey, Dusty, come on, buddy. Want to
try to break your own record?
Oh, no, I'm good.
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, come on, man.
I'm doing you a favor here.
Give me something to brag
about at the next symposium.
All right, fine. You want to break
the record, I gotta break the record.
(LAUGHS) Yeah. Kid came to play.
Should I grab a big cup, too?
What? Stop screwing around.
Come on. We're burning daylight here.
(DOOR OPENS)
(WOMEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
(SIGHS)
(ALL GASPING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hello. Quick question.
How difficult would it be
for someone to whip up
a batch of your Cinnabons?
Would you need restaurant-grade ovens?
Bradsky. Could you
pass this along to Dusty?
It's his first resids check.
Disclaimer. It's more than you make.
- Don't get worried about it.
- How much more than...
Oh, and tell him, 8:30 sharp at my house.
He doesn't need to bring anything.
All right, buddy?
I've never been to your house.
No, you haven't.
SARA: Oh, my God, my hair, it looks awful.
Doesn't Mommy's hair look pretty?
- No. Next slide, please.
- DUSTY: Oh, okay.
- Slides. Fun.
- DUSTY: Aw...
Cool. You guys climbed that?
Yuck. Why are you guys kissing
in every single picture?
Oh, Mommy used to kiss Daddy a lot.
SARA: Married people kiss a lot.
DUSTY: Ready?
Wow, China.
I loved it there.
Dylan, you were created right
there on that wall, buddy.
- Really?
- Dusty, that's enough.
- DUSTY: Okay, next slide.
- (SARA LAUGHS)
That's where your mom and I met,
doing The King and I in summer stock.
SARA: God, that costume was so tight.
(LAUGHS)
Next slide, please.
Oh, my God.
- MEGAN: Is that baby me?
- SARA: Mmm-hmm.
All right, you guys, let's,
um, get ready for bed.
- Okay?
- DUSTY: It's story time, Mayron family!
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
MEGAN: We don't have to wait
for Mr. Whitaker, do we?
I really don't like you,
but that **** is heartbreaking.
(DOOR CLOSING)
MEGAN: Yay! Griff's home!
So the King raised his mighty sword
and rained steel down upon the Step King.
But the Step King
blocked it with his shield.
And swung his cat o'nine tails
into the King's smug face.
Which the King easily brushed aside
like the feather of a gull.
And then the King did counter
with a barrage of slashes
and thrusts so fast and precise
that the Step King had no way to parry.
BOTH: Yay!
But he did. He did.
He parried all of them.
- Easily. It was no big deal.
- BOTH: Aw.
Then he grabbed the King's
sword right out of his hand
and smashed it over his knee.
BOTH: Boo!
That's when the King pulled out
a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!
Which is completely anachronistic.
So if we're doing any time period,
then the Step King just happened to be
wearing Kevlar body armor.
- Concussion grenade!
- Hand grenade.
- Rocket launcher.
- Missile launcher.
- Air strike.
- Nuclear strike.
- Black hole.
- God.
We know what this comes down to.
The Step King was very upset
because when the real King
pulled out his sword,
it was long and shiny,
and the Step King
did shudder at the size of it.
And while the Step King acknowledged
that the King carried a mighty,
beautifully engraved broadsword,
all the maidens in the land
preferred the more average-sized
Step King's sword because
it knew how to listen.
- (SCOFFS)
- And the King needs to realize
he's a guest in his castle
and he better mind his P's and Q's
because the Step King
has had it up to here
with the King's bull****!
Brad said a naughty word.
Kids, I'm so sorry you had to hear
that inappropriate language.
Make sure you tell your mother.
Brad, can I talk to you
in the hall, please?
(SIGHS)
Brad, what just happened in there, man?
(WHISPERING) Look, the Step King
should not have
used inappropriate language in front of
the Prince and Princess, he admits that.
Why are you still saying it
like that, Brad?
We're out in the hall.
I don't know. I'm upset.
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- Hold on.
Oh-ho-ho! Hello?
Yeah, Brad's here, he's doing good.
Hey, it's Dr. Francisco.
He wants us all to come in tomorrow.
9:30 work for you?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Yeah,
we'll see you then.
All right, bud. Come on, man.
The doctor will be with you in a moment.
ALL: Thank you.
(SARA GRUNTING)
Hey, Brad, whatever happens
here, I just want you to know
that I'm proud of you for doing your best.
- Okay?
- Thank you.
Hello, hello. Okay.
I'm going to cut right to the chase.
Sara, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
Oh, God. That is a tough break. I'm sorry.
Damn, that is a real shame.
My heart is melting.
Yeah, it's a real shame, Sara.
A real shame that
you're gonna have to put up
with Brad here pounding away on you
over and over,
now that he's got a fighting chance
of getting you pregnant.
- (GASPING)
- What? Oh, my God!
- Holy moly!
- Oh, my God.
Hey, Doc, Doc, don't give them
a false sense of hope.
Remember what you said about
the blood flow and the screwy 'nads?
Yeah, well, Brad has you
to thank for that, Dusty.
Okay, in lab rats,
whenever another alpha male
comes around, it can spike testosterone,
driving up sperm counts.
Now, no guarantees, okay?
But with my help, Brad,
I think you got enough left in the tank
to make it all the way to baby town.
That's so wonderful. Thank you.
- BOTH: Thank you so much.
- Of course.
- Can we give you a hug?
- Oh, yeah. Come on in.
BRAD: Oh, my gosh.
- Did not expect this.
- Mmm...
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
You virile sea snake, you.
- I underestimated you, Brad.
- Yes, you did.
I can finally give Sara everything,
and it feels good.
Now, listen, this is what you need to do.
You need to go and pee outside
the room that Dusty sleeps in.
He's gonna smell your urine and know that
your virility is not to be taken lightly.
It's good advice.
I did it last year in the lobby.
Oh, I remember. It was a health hazard.
It scared the FedEx guy.
No, I'm going to take
the high road on this one.
Okay, fine, take the high road.
But jam a baby up in there
as quickly as you can, Brad.
Because, in the end, if Sara
does choose Dusty over you,
he has to be stepdad to your baby.
- How beautiful is that?
- (LAUGHS)
Come on, five it.
No. You know, it feels strange
to high-five over the custody
of my unborn child.
I've been on Dusty's team.
I'm trying to jump over
to the winning team Brad.
- Get on this.
- I'd really rather not.
I'm trying to share a moment
with you here. Please five me.
It feels... No, thanks.
- Got it!
- Wait. No.
- Sweet.
- It didn't count.
I love you, Brad.
It's not a binding high-five.
Fat beans in there.
- Dusty?
- Brad.
What can I do for you?
Oh, wow, that's some impressive up-downs.
Look, uh,
what you did for Sara and me,
that's a life-changer, and
I just wanted to say thank you.
And I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?
Well, here's the thing.
I mean, you show up,
here's this guy who's cool and exciting.
I guess I felt a little competitive, and
slightly insecure, and I start thinking,
well, maybe you want to challenge me.
But today you proved that
all you really care about
is our family's happiness.
Oh, man.
I'm humbled.
I mean it. And you know what?
You're right. I was challenging you, Brad.
- Yeah?
- The truth?
I see this new man in my kids' life.
He's kind and caring and successful,
and I don't even want to like you.
But I can't help it. I like you, Brad.
Really?
I was determined to push you out
and get my family back.
I was underhanded
and disingenuous about it.
I feel like a monster.
No. No, no, no.
(SIGHS)
At the risk of being disrespectful,
I want you to shut your mouth.
You are allowed
to have those feelings. Okay?
Heck, we're talking about
your own children here, for cripes' sake.
Clean slate?
Absolutely.
Come here.
(SIGHS)
You know what's funny?
You're not even sweating,
after doing all those push-ups.
That's exemplary.
(SIGHS)
Thank you, Dusty.
Thank you, Brad.
Oh, uh...
You know, all that stuff about pushing
me out and taking over my family,
I mean, we're through all that, right?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm here to defeat you
and take back my family.
That can't change.
But now I'll follow your noble example
and do it above board.
Honestly. Like a man. Like you.
But we just hugged. You said you like me.
Oh, I do like you, Brad, very much.
It doesn't make this any easier.
You know I'm gonna have to tell Sara
what you said in here today.
Of course.
It would be irresponsible not to.
She's not gonna like it.
She's gonna want you out.
You're right about that, Brad.
What the hell are you up to?
I just told you what I'm up to.
My head is spinning right now.
Hey, you got any sweet potatoes? Or yams?
Sweet potatoes or yams?
Griff, you know we have yams, all right?
You made me buy them for you.
I wanted to respect
your house by asking you
before I got them.
I didn't want to just go grab yams.
Okay, I appreciate that.
I'm dealing with something.
- Just go get the yams.
- All right.
Here's the thing. You're right, Dusty.
Yeah. I'm not going to tell Sara.
But I'm gonna prove to you
that I'm the best.
You can eat my dust, Dusty.
Christmas already?
Why didn't anybody tell me?
It's not. It's the middle of April.
- Daddy must have done this!
- BRAD: Ho, ho, ho, ho!
No, he didn't. (LAUGHS)
- Brad.
- Ho, ho!
Claus is the name.
Santa Claus, if you please.
But this Brad you speak of called me
all the way up at the North Pole.
He said his children were so sad because
their biological father had missed so many
Christmases and birthdays
and special family holidays,
so he asked me
to come here today so that Dusty
could experience one Christmas
with his kids before he leaves again.
Probably for a long, long time.
Ho, ho, ho!
Can we open presents?
You sure can, little girl.
I think they're from Brad.
In fact, all the presents are from Brad.
Let's see if any of the
presents are from Dusty.
Nope. Not one present from Dusty.
All from Brad.
Hey, kids, let's not forget
who got you a dog. Remember?
Hey, Tumor, quit humping Mrs. Claus!
(GROWLING)
Okay, I am officially worried about you.
Don't worry, Claus hasn't forgotten you.
Huh?
- For me?
- Yeah.
(GASPS)
Oh, my God, honey, it's beautiful.
I love it.
Wait, no! No! No, no. It's too much.
(TUMOR BARKS)
Oh, no, it looks like Tumor's
given away Megan's big gift.
(SCREAMING JOYFULLY)
A pony! A pony! A pony!
I know, it's a pony!
- Ho, ho, ho!
- (CONTINUES SCREAMING)
It's a pony, Dusty! A pony!
Can we name her Princess Elsa?
You can name him whatever you want,
because it's yours!
Brad, how can we afford a pony?
Where are we even going to put that thing?
I can clear out some stable
space in the garage.
Look, it's only half a horse.
Okay? Think of it like
a big dog, only a lot better.
Oh, what's this? What the heck?
It's tickets to tonight's
NBA playoff game...
- What?
- ...against Dylan's favorite team,
the Los Angeles Lakers?
Oh, thanks, Brad! You're the coolest!
I love you, Brad!
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Merry Christmas, Whitaker family!
GRIFF: Christmas?
How long was I asleep for?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
- You guys got enough candy?
- Yeah!
Remember, you can have anything
you want, 'cause it's Christmas!
No, it isn't. It's not Christmas, kids.
- BRAD: All right. Here we are.
- Oh, sick! We're this close?
Yeah. Pretty good, right?
Megan, you sit down right there.
Perfect. Dylan, you sit next to me.
And, Dusty, I'm so sorry. Yeah.
I could only get four in a row.
I couldn't get five.
So you're across the aisle,
next to that gentleman.
All right, guys, I'll be right here.
- We can still chat.
- Bye, Daddy.
Look, there's Kobe! It's him!
He's right there.
Thank you, Brad, this is the best present
I've ever gotten.
- You are so welcome.
- In my whole life.
I'm glad to hear it's the
best present you've ever got!
How much did these seats cost?
Not too much.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give a big welcome
to all the kids from Hearts of Courage.
Whoo! Hearts of Courage kids!
Proud of you, you're all miracles!
Whoo! I love kids!
All right, honey. That's plenty.
I just get excited
when I'm with my family!
Dusty! Dusty Mayron!
- Marco? Hey!
- (MARCO LAUGHS)
What's up, man? Are you coaching now?
Yeah, I'm the new strength
and conditioning coach.
- Oh, man.
- Check you out.
Hey, I played ball with him in Italy.
This is my family. My little guy, Dylan.
He's the biggest Kobe fan in the world.
Really? Well, come on down.
I'll introduce you.
- What?
- What? You hear that?
You want to meet Kobe?
MARCO: Bring the whole family down.
You guys can sit with the team.
Hey, this is my little girl, Megan.
She just invited me to her first
Daddy-Daughter Dance.
- So sweet.
- What did he just say?
What the hell did he just say?
Oh, sorry. He's okay.
No, I'm not okay. He's not okay.
- Honey, you need to calm down.
- No! I'm not gonna calm down.
She asked me first!
And now she's asking him?
No. It's not fair.
You know what, actually, it's very fair.
Okay? She has two dads.
She wants you both there.
You just have to accept that.
No, I'm not going to accept it. All right?
I do pick-up! I do drop-off!
Okay, I volunteer at school!
I listen to the tantrums and the crying
and the soundtrack of Frozen
that's on a goddamn loop all the time!
And he just waltzes in for a few days,
and now he gets to go as well? No!
No, she's got to choose.
It's either me or him!
- Megan, you got to choose!
- (SARA SHUSHING)
- You got to choose!
- SARA: Hey!
It's the biggest decision of your life!
Hey!
You know what? I'm going to pretend
you're not acting like a crazy person,
because I know you're very upset.
But you need to get over yourself. Okay?
Now go down there and
be happy with your kids.
No! A scalper gouged me 18 grand
for these seats. I'm not leaving them!
What?
- (STAMMERING)
- What did you just say?
Yeah. Nothing. Let's just... You're right.
(SIGHS) I'm so much more relaxed now.
Thank you.
Yeah. Let's just go down... Let's just...
No!
I think you should sit
in your $18,000 seats,
and think of all the better ways
your family could have used that money.
Sara.
The guy from the nuclear sub thing?
- Mayron! That's him.
- That's the guy?
Can I get some beers down here?
Can I get five beers?
Excuse me, some beers!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHEERING)
THE WHIP: What's up, everybody?
Let's make some noise!
Whoo-hoo!
Tonight, one lucky fan is going to
get a chance to shoot from half court
to win a family vacation to Disney World!
(ALL CHEERING)
And our lucky fan is sitting in
section 113,
row 6,
C-1. Where is he?
Let's see it. Where is he?
It's me. It's me, I win!
- There he is.
- I win.
I'm-a make it to Disneyland.
I'm-a make it all right.
- All right, Brad!
- Yay, Brad!
Yay, Brad!
All right, sir, how you doing?
What's your name?
First off, I love my kids.
He loves his kids! Let's give it up!
And if anyone was ever
to do anything to them,
- I would hurt them.
- Okay.
I would freakin' hurt them!
THE WHIP: Okay.
This guy over here is trying to take them!
Trying to steal my family.
He doesn't sweat!
Okay, you know what?
Why don't we just shoot...
But I got news for you, buddy!
Last night, while you were sleeping,
I made love to our wife!
- Okay.
- My wife!
BRAD: Sara, right over there!
Took my wiener out of my pants!
This is a family event, okay?
- Boo! Boo!
- All right.
So,
even if Sara does pick you,
you're going to have to be
the stepdad to my kid!
You see how you like it! Okay?
THE WHIP: Let's get somebody else
down here, all right? Somebody else...
Somebody else is going to win
a family trip!
Give me that ball, you.
This one's for Dylan and Megan
and Sara and Dylan.
Nothing but net.
THE WHIP: All right, he's going for it!
Nothing but net!
(GRUNTS)
- (GROANING)
- (ALL GASPING)
Do-over!
- That's a do-over!
- No do-over. No.
It's a do-over!
- (GROANS)
- (ALL GASPING)
(BRAD THUDDING)
(ALL APPLAUDING)
THE WHIP: I'm so sorry
you had to see that. I'm so sorry.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
SARA: Hey, kids, why don't you go inside
and put on your pajamas?
- What are you doing?
- I'm comforting you.
Sara, look... Sorry, too soon. I know.
But I just want you to know
that I'm here for you and the kids.
Oh, really? You want to be
a real parent now? Is that what this is?
Absolutely. I'm here now.
Dusty, I'm working crazy hours this week.
With Brad gone, the kids
are gonna have to be dropped off,
picked up, taken to swimming lessons.
Dylan has a play date with Eli on Tuesday,
and Megan has a dentist
appointment on Friday.
Sara, I know in the past
I've been unreliable,
but this is a new me. All right?
This is the new Dusty.
Well, you can't take them
to school on a motorcycle.
- You need a car.
- Done.
Okay.
Hey! You're not staying here!
Are you sure you don't need
company right now?
I mean, you're going through
a tough transition here.
Be here at 6:30 tomorrow morning.
Well, can I at least
come in and get my stuff?
No!
DUSTY: I'm gonna wait for a while,
in case you change your mind.
(SIGHS)
Hey.
Oh...
What did you throw Griff out for?
- This place is chaotic.
- (SCOFFS)
There's always some bull****
going on in that house.
God, man. Want to go to the Red Roof Inn?
Let's do it.
Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
(MUFFLED) Yes, sir.
DORIS: Okay. No running!
All right. Lindsey! Sloane!
Car's open right down there!
Okay, sir, inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Keep it inside...
That's right! Thank you.
(CAR ENGINE REVVING)
Hi. I see you've been picking up
Megan and Dylan these past few days.
Should I expect you from now on?
Um, yeah, I'm their real dad,
so yeah, from now on.
Terrific. I see that you also haven't
signed up to volunteer in the lane.
Brad was so good about
helping us out in the lane,
in the classroom, PTA, and so forth.
We could always count on him
for bake sales, Spring Sing,
costumes for Winter Pageant.
You know the drill.
I hope I can count on you
to be the new Brad.
Ah, sure, yeah. You can count on me.
I mean, I'm their real dad,
so, yeah, I'll be here every day.
Great. So, if your kids aren't out here,
I'm gonna need you to circle around
to the back of the line. Okay?
- No, I can't go around.
- Thanks.
I came ten minutes early
so I don't have to...
If your kids aren't here,
you have to go around!
I know. There's somebody
in front of me. Okay?
Just go around!
I can't just go over the
cones! I'm boxed in here!
- Go around!
- No, you can't! Okay?
She said stay in the cone, like ice cream!
- (HONKING)
- Go around!
DORIS: Inside the cones!
Amanda has got a recital!
I have to get there! You need to go!
(HORN HONKING CONTINUES)
(REVVING ENGINE)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
- DORIS: Hey!
We always stay inside the cones!
Cones! (GRUNTING)
Cones! Come on!
(MR. HOLT SIGHING)
Have you been living here
for the last few days, Brad?
No.
Then what's with the blankets
and the hot plate
and the B.O.?
I crapped in the wastebasket.
You know, Brad, two years
into my thing with Charlene,
her first husband showed up.
Oriental fellow.
You can't say that.
You cannot say "Oriental."
His name was Yu or Wu.
It could have been Javier.
Anyway, I get off early one day,
get home, and
there he is, stark naked in our bed.
I didn't know what to think.
Really? You didn't know what to think?
Six months later,
I wake up in a Chinese prison
with a tattoo on my lower back
of a golf ball rolling towards my butthole.
I can't hear these stories anymore.
I'm sorry. I know they're
supposed to help...
Griff! What are you doing here?
Thought you should know
Dusty came by the bar earlier.
He was talking about how
he can't do the daddy thing.
I tried to talk some sense into him, but
he seemed determined to get out of town.
What, he's leaving?
I don't think I have to tell you,
but little Megan's dance is tonight,
and she's not going to have a daddy.
That's fantastic. Brad, you win.
And Dusty, because of
an act of cowardice, loses.
I mean, you're the daddy again.
Come on, hit that.
(SIGHS)
No, I'm not her daddy.
I wish more than anything I was,
but I'm not.
Yeah, you're right, Brad. A real dad
wouldn't give up on his kids so easy.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Griff!
Wait!
He's still in the room, Brad.
Oh, hey.
Sorry. I thought you stormed out.
What you said sounded like a storm-out,
and then I heard the door close.
I just thought that ****
was getting kind of personal,
so it'd be good to close the door.
So extremely thoughtful. Thank you. Yeah.
And just so you know where my head was at,
I was going to chase you
down the hallway. Right?
You'd hear my footsteps and you're like,
"Is someone after... What's going on?"
Boom! It's me, and I'm like, "Griff, hey!
"You were right."
Holy ****! That would be so uplifting.
Can we do that?
Griff, can you storm out, and Brad,
you go after him?
I don't really want any part of that.
That sounds like pure nonsense to me.
I don't want... I'd rather not.
We could just try it, you know?
No, that sounds forced and weird to try to
recreate something. Not even recreate.
It would be creating. It didn't happen.
It's over-discussed at this point.
Shouldn't you go see your kid?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.
You guys go. Brad, can I come?
No.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Daddy's not coming, is he?
Oh, honey, he'll be here. He promised.
I see cupcakes over there.
I think you should go eat some. Go on.
Go eat a lot of sugar.
(VIBRATING)
Dusty.
- Nope.
- Come on, Dusty.
Where are you going?
I'd pay a billion dollars
to take her to that dance.
- You're just gonna leave?
- You take her then.
I can't take her. Okay?
I'm not welcome after I said
I was gonna put a spite baby
in her mother.
- I guess that's out, then.
- Yeah, that is out.
- So it's gotta be you.
- (SIGHS)
I'm sorry, Brad,
I just can't do it, all right?
What do you mean, you can't do it?
I can't stay inside the cones.
Look, Dusty, the cones are
there for everyone's safety.
- It's not about the cones.
- You just said it was.
The cones are a metaphor, Brad.
I'm not the domestic type, okay?
Dusty, come on.
What are you talking about?
You're organized, you're handy.
You make the best cinnamon rolls
I have ever tasted.
Those were Cinnabons, Brad. Come on.
You can't make rolls like that
in a conventional oven.
I knew it! I knew it.
I knew it from the beginning!
So you've been telling
some tall tales, huh?
- All that Special Ops stuff.
- No, just the Cinnabons!
Why would you lie about Cinnabons?
'Cause I wanted to win. All right?
I wanted to prove that
I was a good dad, too, but I'm not.
Okay? Are you happy?
Is that what you want to hear?
All the noise and the mess
and all the choices.
You do one thing wrong,
you can screw them up for life.
- Do you realize that?
- Yeah.
Dads have to make a lot of choices, okay?
And we blow most of them.
Yeah, and the other parents.
That kid, Eli. I was over there
for a play date. You know about this?
You can't just ride your bike
over to a friend's house,
to play Hot Wheels anymore,
now you got to make some kind of date?
- I know, it's a shame.
- Well, I'm over there,
and the kid's dad keeps
asking me if Dylan's gonna be
in the gifted program with Eli.
Like Dylan isn't as smart as
his little ball-scratcher kid.
I wanted to murder that smug prick.
Dusty, look, I hate that guy, too, okay?
But his son is Dylan's best friend,
so you suck it up.
(STUTTERING) I mean, that's most of
what dads do, is take ****.
I mean, that's what we do.
I can't do it, Brad.
I can't take **** like you do.
You take **** better than
anyone I've ever met,
and I mean that as a compliment
from the bottom of my heart.
- Thank you.
- But I'm sorry, Brad. I can't.
I can't do it, man.
You made a promise to Megan,
and you're gonna keep it.
Ow!
(GROANING)
Did you just punch me in the face, Brad?
Ow, yes.
Knowing full well I got no choice
but to bust you up now?
I really wish you wouldn't.
If I did, you'd take that beatdown
for those kids, wouldn't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I would.
- Come on.
- Good luck, Dusty.
What? No, no, you gotta come.
It's just... I can't see Sara
after what I said.
Sara loves you, Brad. All right?
I know just what to say to her.
You just stand there
and look lost without her.
- I am lost without her.
- Well, that's good. Then let's go.
- But I look terrible.
- Yeah, you do. Come here.
- What are you doing?
- I'm fixing you up, man.
Dusty, get your hands out of my pants.
Calm down. Think I want to
touch your little dinky?
I'm trying to fix you up.
All right. Let me see.
Wow. I look great.
Here you go.
- That's incredible.
- Come on.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
SARA: Hey, pumpkin.
Daddy wanted to be here,
I know he did. He just gets...
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Uh-oh.
She's doing her arms-folded thing.
You said she'd smile.
Maybe even start a slow clap.
Don't worry, I got this. Okay? Come on.
Oh, hey, look, it's the guy that
stranded his kids at school.
And look who he's with.
Did you get anybody pregnant
on your way over here, Brad?
No, I didn't.
- DUSTY: Sara, listen...
- No!
- Sara, please.
- No. I am not going to listen to you.
You know what? Your daughter's been
sitting there for two hours, heartbroken.
Sara, I am so sorry...
Oh, just, please. Will one of you idiots
just ask your daughter to dance?
- Really?
- SARA: Yes.
Neither one of you deserves her, but yes.
- Go ahead, Dusty.
- No, you take the first one.
You've earned it more than I have.
Dusty, please, she's your daughter.
What the hell did I miss?
I'll tell you what. I'll vouch for you
to the kids and I'll take the first dance.
I'll say my good-byes,
and then I'll get out of your hair.
Wait, wait. When you say
"get out of your hair,"
you mean leave, like leave-leave? Tonight?
Daddy! Brad! The fourth graders are here.
They're picking on Dylan again.
That's it.
Those little ****heads are dead.
Where are they?
DUSTY: Those are the fourth graders?
- They're girls.
- Uh-huh. They're so mean.
Why are you even here at
the Daddy-Daughter Dance?
Are you a daughter? Are you a girl?
Are you too scared to take me on
without your little friends?
- Oh, no, he's calling out the big one.
- Oh-oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
Come on!
Dylan!
- (ALL GASP)
- Yes!
- Dylan, what are you doing?
- Did you see? Did you see?
I punched her in the face,
just like you taught me.
- What?
- And then I kicked her right in the nuts.
You like that, *****? Huh?
- No, no, no!
- You want some more, *****?
Sweetheart, what happened?
What's going on here?
He punched me in the face.
Then he kicked me in the swimsuit area.
Then he called me the "B" word.
Who did, him?
He did. I saw it.
He said they taught him to hit girls.
No, no. We thought
your daughter was a boy.
- What?
- No, what he means is that
Dylan told us that a fourth grader
was picking on him,
but he didn't tell us it was a girl.
Yeah, and if you had, we'd have told you
it's never okay to hit a girl.
And that she's probably only bugging you
because she likes you, buddy.
I do not like him.
Oh, I think she likes him.
Ah, gross, whatever.
She totally does.
Are you calling my daughter a whore?
- What?
- They were implying it, Jerry.
Wait. That's quite a stretch.
Mrs. Troy, please. I got this.
Wait, first of all, which one
of you two is the kid's dad?
They both are.
(GASPS)
Oh, my gosh. Wow!
I'm sorry. That's the first time
he's ever referred to me as Dad.
It's something I've wanted to hear
for a long time, so it's a bit poignant.
I tend to cry a lot
when things get emotional.
They tease me all the time.
- I'm actually the stepdad.
- Oh, is that right?
So you're the real dad, huh!
Hey. You don't want to
embarrass yourself, buddy.
You threatening me now, tough guy?
- He's threatening you, Jerry.
- Nobody's threatening anybody.
But you're gonna want to
back that up, Jerry.
And you, Squidward tie.
Quit being an instigator,
or I'm gonna have to rap you in the mouth.
(YELPS)
Hey, hey, hey. Everyone just calm down.
We're at the Daddy-Daughter Dance.
You stay out of it, all right?
You don't count!
I want to talk to the real dad here.
Hey, Brad here is more of
a real dad than any of us.
You ever want to see how you should be
raising your kids, go look at this guy.
Here I go again. What did I tell you?
- Really? You mean that?
- Yes, I do, Brad.
You're a great dad.
(ALL GASPING)
- Like that?
- You shouldn't have done that.
Yeah? Why?
I'm pretty sure he kills people for a job.
He's been rather vague with me,
but that's what I'm kind of surmising.
- Are we gonna do this?
- DUSTY: Oh, we're gonna do it.
- Okay. You ready?
- DUSTY: Yeah, I'm ready.
- This is what you get.
- MEGAN: Daddy.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Want another one? Come on in.
What's going on?
Is this like some UFC ****?
DUSTY: Come on, Brad.
That's right. It's a dance, Jerry.
Yeah. So dance, Jerry!
Yeah! You just got served, Jerry!
You just got a piping hot serving.
I'm not getting served.
You're getting served!
You don't know this about me, Jerry,
but I like to move my body.
Get it, Brad!
(ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
Yeah! Yeah, Brad!
This is a dance! Let's go!
(ALL CHEERING)
(LAUGHING)
Am I the only one with my shirt off?
You know you can't leave, right?
You want me to stay?
These guys are growing up so fast.
You don't want to miss it.
You're sweating profusely.
- I know. I sweat a lot.
- That's cool.
Thank you.
BRAD: So Dusty did stay.
And with the huge amount of money
he was making as the voice of The Panda,
he built his own new castle
right down the street.
Hey!
But we kept Tumor because he didn't
get along with Dusty's new puppy.
(WHIMPERING)
It turns out Tumor was only five...
- (TUMOR GROWLING)
- ...so we're going to have him
for a long, long time.
- BRAD: Tumor!
- (DOORBELL RINGING)
And I was more than a little surprised
when Dusty showed up one day
with his new wife
and his new stepdaughter.
This is my stepdaughter, Adriana.
- Hey, Adriana. I'm Brad.
- Want to go play?
That's your brother and sister.
You guys play nice, okay?
Hey, hon. Who's at the door?
Oh, hey, Sara. This is my wife, Karen.
Oh, is it... Your wife?
SARA: That Karen, wow, she is so great.
It turns out she's
a doctor and a celebrated
novelist. I mean...
Hon, would you...
- Come here, Griff. Come here, Griff. Oh!
- KAREN: He's so cute.
SARA: And I was so surprised when
I found out that we're the same age.
I mean, she looks so young, right?
Good for her!
Honey, you look amazing tonight.
(LAUGHS) What are you talking about?
It's just my normal clothes.
That's how I look.
I just got ready really fast.
Hey, Griff. Hey, little Griffy.
You want to come to Daddy?
What, you think I'm going to
pick his pockets or something?
- BRAD: No.
- He doesn't carry a wallet.
Oh, sweetie, be careful
with that knife, okay?
You're not my dad.
DUSTY: Brad was right.
Being a stepdad isn't always easy.
But he was also right that it's worth it.
And he was right about the Ford Flex, too.
It's a great family car.
Got plenty of room for the kids,
gear, and plenty of pickup for me.
I got the Weekender package.
A few more bells and whistles than Brad's,
but Brad doesn't need to know that.
(MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING)
(GASPS) Daddy!
Sweetie, I've been waiting for you to...
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
I heard a gulp.
DUSTY: (STAMMERS)
Well, a little bit, maybe.
- BRAD: Sure.
- There you are.
BRAD: He's a lot bigger than you.
He's got legs for arms.
Little star, guess what?
I like him. I like him a lot.
Yeah. I bet you he's
going to like us, too.
- BRAD: Remember, Loving Fence.
- DUSTY: Yeah.
BRAD: Just go say hi.
Yeah, look, I got this, buddy. Watch.
Hey. You must be Roger.
Nope.
(TUNING RADIO)
DUSTY: (SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
JASON SINCLAIR: Caught Kenny G.
At the United Center this weekend.
Man, can that guy put on a show.
20,000 people on their feet
for the entire four hours.
You're listening to Jason Sinclair.
This is The Panda.BRAD: Here's a question for you.
What do kids need more? A father or a dad?
What's the difference?
The way I see it, darn near
anyone can be a father...
(ROARING)
...but not everyone has the patience
or the devotion to be a dad.
As for me...
Anybody caught a Monarch yet?
...I've always wanted to be a dad.
Let me tell you, I love it!
Yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
And I love my Ford Flex.
It treats me to a smooth ride,
and you know what?
It didn't break the bank.
Room enough for the whole family.
Yes, I love being a dad.
And I love these two adorable
little rays of sunshine.
Hey, Dylan! Good morning.
Whatever.
BRAD: Okay. I'm not their real dad.
Good morning, Mr. Whitaker.
- I'm their stepdad.
- Good morning, Megan.
Can you please put this on the fridge?
Well, sure. Did you do
another drawing of our family?
- Uh-huh.
- Huh?
That's me and Dylan and Mommy.
So great.
And over here, far, far away,
is you.
Oh? And am I wearing a baseball cap?
That's the knife in your head
'cause I was killing you in the eye.
Oh, I see.
Well, I love how you drew my hair.
That's poop.
Well, it's well-drawn.
And I'm guessing it's dog poop?
That's homeless man poop.
Oh.
All right. (SIGHING)
BRAD: I actually can't
father my own children,
ever since I hit a little
snafu at a dental office.
(MUFFLED) I've got
a little bit of a gag reflex.
Uh, close your eyes, breathe through
your nose, you'll be fine.
Oh. Okay.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(MACHINE SQUEAKING)
(BEEPS)
Oh, you got a really weird tongue.
You need to floss better.
BRAD: Ever since then, my testicles have
been more decorative than anything else.
Hey!
And I thought I'd never have a family.
Until I met a stunning mom named Sara.
Would you look at her?
I am one lucky so-and-so.
I hit the jackpot.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry I'm taking so long.
I have to show that Sixty West
building to those new clients.
- I know.
- (GASPS)
- Oh, my God! The kids' lunches.
- Already packed. I wrote them
little inspirational notes
to start them on their day.
They've already eaten their breakfasts,
and you look perfect.
You are amazing.
Look at this, huh? Another family drawing.
Oh, no. I am so sorry.
No, I think you're misunderstanding.
This is the first drawing
where I'm not dead already.
Sure, I've got a knife in my eye
and some homeless man poop on my head,
(SIGHING)
but this is showing real progress.
I think she's starting to accept me.
You can find the good
in just about anything.
I love that about you. You know that?
Thanks.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello. I'm home.
Hey.
How was the, uh...
What's wrong?
He won't talk to me.
He said he only wants to talk to you.
You want to talk to me?
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
- You mean me and your mom?
- Mmm-mmm.
- Just me? By myself?
- Mmm-hmm.
Sure. I'm...
I'm totally free. Let's go to the den.
We'll sit there.
We'll sit.
We can do it sitting or standing?
Doesn't matter. We're just gonna do it.
We're not gonna overthink it.
Yeah. Great. Okay, good.
Just the men, yeah.
A little rap session. Great.
(WHISPERING) Oh, my God.
I just want you to know that
I'm just here to listen. All right?
No judgments, no lectures,
just a compassionate ear.
- Well, there are these kids at school...
- Mmm-hmm.
...and they're bigger than me,
because they're fourth graders.
- (SHUTTER CLICKING)
- And...
Oh, was that weird?
I'm sorry, I'm just...
It's a big moment for me,
and I'm just trying to capture it.
It just came off awkward.
So, go ahead, continue telling
your story. Fourth graders.
Anyway, there are
these fourth graders, and...
He actually confided in me.
I mean, it was that father-son feeling
I've been dying for,
and it was even better than
I thought it was gonna be.
(SIGHS) I mean, he really needed me. Me.
That is so great, honey.
He even said not to tell you.
So I'm actually totally betraying
his trust right now. (CHUCKLES)
What are we gonna do about
those little snot-nosed fourth graders?
Oh, I think it's going to be fine.
He's going to try to do some
trust falls on the playground.
Really? You think that's gonna work?
As long as they catch him. Yeah.
Hey, Brad.
Yeah?
If I ask you something,
you promise you won't cry again?
Of course, sweetie. What is it?
Well, at school,
they told us about this thing,
and it's called a Daddy-Daughter Dance.
(GASPING)
So, do you want to go with me?
(SOBBING)
You said you wouldn't cry, Brad.
I'm not. Megan, yes. A million times yes.
I thought big people
weren't supposed to cry.
I think it's sweet that he's
crying like a little *****.
(GASPS) Megan!
You are not supposed
to call people that word.
You know what? It takes a real
man to show his emotions.
(SOBBING LOUDLY)
All right, that's a bit much.
VIZZINI: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
FEZZIK: Anybody want a peanut?
(ALL LAUGHING)
BRAD: We were finally becoming a family.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- I'll get it!
After being pushed away
and treated like an outsider,
I was finally becoming
the dad that I always knew I could...
Daddy!
Hi! Where are you?
Where's Cameroon?
Is that gunfire? Cool!
MEGAN: Daddy, Daddy!
I want to talk to Daddy.
Hi, Daddy.
Good.
- So your ex is calling, huh?
- (SIGHS) Yeah.
What a treat for the kids.
It's been a long time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
We're watching a really funny
movie with Mommy and Brad.
Oh, Brad is Mommy's new husband.
Wait. He doesn't know about me?
Well, I haven't talked to him
in six months.
We've been married eight months.
Brad, Daddy wants to talk to you.
- No! No, no. Don't, don't...
- I'm just going to say hi.
You don't need to do that. Brad, don't.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you, sweetie.
Hello, Dusty?
Super to make your acquaintance.
In fact, I just wish
I could shake your hand
and offer to buy you a cold one.
- Tomorrow?
- What?
BOTH: Daddy's coming! Yay!
Oh, yeah, I guess I could pick you up.
- (WHISPERS) No.
- Hmm?
It's Whitaker.
W-H-I-T-A-K-E-R. (CHUCKLES)
No, I'm not comfortable giving you
my Social Security number over the phone.
Uh, okay, yeah, my credit score is 752.
I'm very proud of that. (CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry? What sort of fighting styles
am I proficient in?
I don't know if I've ever been
asked that before.
Hello, Dusty, hello, hello? Hmm...
I lost him.
What just happened?
Did you just invite him to come here?
Is he coming tomorrow?
Well, I didn't know
he'd accept my offer so soon.
I mean, he really jumped at it.
Remember when I said he was like Jesse
James and Mick Jagger had a baby?
Yeah, I just thought maybe
he was really skinny and
jittery, and had like a little bit
of a British accent, or something.
He's wild and he's crazy.
That's why I fell in love with him.
Then you end up with two kids.
And I'm stuck there holding the bag and
he's nowhere to be found.
It doesn't matter how much love or passion,
or you can't breathe without each other.
All of that stuff is stupid in comparison.
When you have kids,
you have responsibilities.
He doesn't understand that.
Honey, this is actually a good thing.
- (SIGHS)
- I'll welcome Dusty into our home,
and we'll establish some kind
but firm boundaries.
All right? It's what Step-By-Stepdad
calls "setting up a Loving Fence."
A Loving Fence?
Wow, that sounds really great, honey.
But your self-help books
have never met Dusty Mayron.
He sounds like a rascal, but I don't
think it's anything I can't handle.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
PANDA SINGER: Check. Check, check.
Chinese Checkers,
Czech, Czech Republic, pop,
sibilance, sibilance, pop,
one, two, six, seven,
check, check, check, check.
What do you got for me, Brad?
Oh, Mr. Holt, hello. Well, hopefully
the new voice of The Panda.
Oh, listen.
I gotta leave early today. I gotta go
pick up my wife's ex at the airport.
Jesus, kid, how'd you
draw that **** detail?
Brad, why do you want
this deadbeat in your home?
Well, it's not that I want him in my home,
it's just that the better
stepparenting books
say that the worst thing you can do
for the kids is to push out the biological.
You're in the danger zone here,
Brad, and let me tell you why.
Kids that grow up without their dads
always end up obsessing over them.
Most of the hook-ups
that I've had in my adult life
have been with women
that had daddy issues.
I don't know if this is
an appropriate story.
Look, my wife would kill me
if she knew I was telling you this.
Well, then you shouldn't tell me this.
When I met her in Denver...
You're going to tell
the story, aren't you?
...she was a topless maid.
- Ninety-nine bucks an hour.
- Mmm-hmm.
Never met her father.
But who did she meet? Me.
And who did treat her like ****? Me.
I eventually loved her,
but every time she got out of line,
I'd just pull the Humvee over
and ask her to get out politely.
And then I'd drive away.
Guess what?
She showed up at home every time.
This story has no relevance
to my situation.
Oh, it doesn't at all.
It's just a good story.
So, Pete, are we going
to hear this guy, or what?
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
I'm sorry.
Keep it up, Brad.
You and I will fight in the parking lot.
BRAD: So today is the day I'm finally
meeting the father of my children.
Am I nervous? You're darn right I am.
But who wouldn't be? (SIGHS DEEPLY)
And here's the thing.
I mean, Pepe, you know, kids...
...they see through things and,
at the end of the day,
they know who's been around...
Holy balls!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I hope that's not him.
(GULPING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
There is no doubt this man
is your better in every way.
Well, you're kind to say that. Thank you.
Yeah, I feel pretty good.
- Hey, you Dusty?
- Nope.
What?
Are you sure?
Are you Dusty... No, you're not Dusty.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(ON RADIO) You've got
Jason Sinclair on The Panda,
the station everybody
in the office can agree on.
What is this?
Now if you're up in Wolf Trap this weekend,
do yourself a favor and check out...
(DOOR OPENING)
Hey! Where have you been?
I called you like 100 times.
(SIGHS) I know, my phone died. Look...
This motorcycle, is this...
Yes. He's here.
- He's here?
- Yes.
What's he doing inside there?
He's giving the kids
all kinds of Starbursts.
Starbursts? God damn it!
Sorry. Sorry. (EXHALES)
I'm a hot habanero pepper right now.
I got a few bullet points I want to
bring up with our friend Dusty,
starting with airport etiquette,
courtesy and expectation.
MEGAN: Oh, good story, Daddy!
You like that story? It's all true. Hey!
Who wants some more Starbursts and
a couple of uncirculated silver dollars?
So you are Dusty.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I sure am. You must be
the new and improved husband.
Bring it in, big guns.
I already met you at the airport.
No, I don't recall that, friend.
Yeah, I walked right up to you
and asked if you were Dusty.
I'm pretty sure I'd remember
a heavy hitter like yourself.
(SCOFFS)
Well, must have been my mistake.
All right, that was me at the airport.
- Yeah, I know that.
- The truth is,
I saw you before you saw me,
and I'm thinking,
"This is the guy who's raising my kids?"
"And damn it if he doesn't
look like the real deal."
I mean, look at you.
You figured it out, didn't you?
You cracked the code.
(CHUCKLES) I don't know about that.
Don't play that humble game with me.
He is so humble. He's just too humble.
Honey, you got it goin' on.
Everybody says so.
Yeah, I got it goin' way on.
So you can understand
why I panicked at the airport.
- I froze, Brad. I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
Look, these are tricky waters to navigate.
They sure are, man. I mean,
that is insightful.
You know, I thought it was weird Sara
didn't tell me about you before.
I thought, what's she hiding?
And now I know.
A champion.
Hey, Brad! Did you see Dad's motorcycle?
Isn't it cool?
BRAD: It sure is.
What is that, an Indian?
Yep.
I believe they're manufactured
in Minneapolis.
I've never been, but that's the setting
for The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
And... What's the other... Rhoda.
Which I want to say was a spin-off.
Damn! You really know
your bikes, Brad. You ride?
Uh-huh. Yeah!
- Really?
- BRAD: Yeah.
I mean, not anymore. I did, you know,
back in college. I had a, um...
I had a Kawa-saki? Kawasaki Nine.
Yeah.
With the fenders and the...
The broil joint. So...
Well, you should get on her, man. Come on!
Take her out, see what she can do.
She's got a lot of power.
Oh, no, no, no.
Yeah, Brad! Brad... Please!
No. Hey, come on, kids. It's time for bed.
It's way past your bedtime.
Let's brush your teeth.
All right, come on, guys,
listen to your mom. Hey, look...
(STUTTERS) I don't want to overstep, but
it would mean the world to me
if I could tuck in our two little blessings.
Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course.
They're your kids. Tuck away.
Oh, thank you for that, Brad.
The King messed up. He messed up bad.
He thought he could just
ride off to slay dragons,
and his Queen would always be
waiting for him.
And then one day the King received word
that his dominion was being ruled over
by some curly-headed Step King
with good credit?
Oh, no!
Well, the King rode hard up on his lands,
and when he arrived,
he did gaze fondly upon the Queen,
remembering their good times together,
for he had known her in her prime,
when she was down for anything,
and I do mean anything.
Psst...
Sounds like your dad's spinning
quite a yarn. Mind if I listen in?
Oh, actually, it's getting late.
You two need to get some sack time.
BOTH: No, we want more story, please!
Hey, I'd love to be in here all night,
but let's be respectful of Brad's rules,
no matter how arbitrary they seem.
All right?
Good night, my little golden treasures.
Good night, my little magical cherubs.
- Here comes some butterfly kisses.
- (GIGGLING)
And some Eskimo kisses.
Good night, buddy.
Sleep tight. Sleep tight.
Hey, who wants good-night tickles?
- BOTH: Me!
- (DUSTY CHUCKLES)
Good night, my little breath of God.
Good night, my little Jesus teardrop.
I almost forgot, my famous
good-night back scratches.
- Oh, so relaxing, so relaxing.
- (SIGHING)
Good night, sweetie bear.
Hey, who wants twenty bucks?
- BOTH: I do! Me!
- Twenty dollars?
- What?
- Oh, yeah.
One for you, and one for you.
I don't know if that's appropriate.
Ah, don't worry about it.
BRAD: Okay. Good night.
So, uh, if you want to, why don't you
come by tomorrow after school?
Might be a good time to...
What about the cold one?
The cold one?
You promised me
a cold one and a handshake.
Cold one. One cold one, coming up.
Great. I'll grab my jacket,
we'll go outside.
Perfect. All right.
Hey! Psst...
What are you doing?
What are you guys buddies now?
No. I mean, I offered him a cold one.
I really should honor
the cold one promise.
(SIGHS) Fine. You give him a cold one,
and then you get rid of him, okay?
You put up your Loving Fence,
- remember?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Then you come to bed.
- Okay.
- Will do.
- Okay.
DUSTY: What you got going on over here?
Oh, uh, that's a treehouse. A little, uh,
bonding project for Dylan and I.
Yeah, we've been at it
for about two months.
DUSTY: It's looking good.
BRAD: Thank you.
So, Dusty, how long do you think
you're going to be in town for?
Well, Brad, the truth is,
I'm wheels-up a week from tomorrow.
Time to get out there and
kick some ass for America.
Oh, I see. So you're a soldier?
Nope.
Oh, so you're a, uh...
Yep.
Yep, what?
(CHUCKLES) You don't want to know
any more than that, Brad.
Okay.
Um, listen, Dusty, I think that we should
set up a visitation schedule.
Right? That way, you feel like
you have ample time with the children...
Why don't we cut the ****, Brad?
No, we don't have to cut the ****.
You want to know what I'm doing here,
why don't you quit looking at
whatever you wrote on your hand?
Be a man and ask me, Brad.
Okay. What are you doing here?
Now, we both know kids need
a single primary male role model.
Sara's made her choice.
I'm man enough to
let that role model be you.
I will vouch for you with my children.
I will give them my sacred
permission to trust you.
To love you and to
call you Dad.
You'd do that for me?
No.
But I will do it for them.
That is what you want, isn't it, Brad?
More than anything in the world.
He played you.
You just got so played out there.
I know it looks that way, 'cause
I promised I would ask him to leave,
and then I invited him to stay for a week,
but he didn't play me.
You know what he did? He cut the ****.
- Oh, he did?
- And I gotta say, it was refreshing.
I think more of us could stand
to just cut the ****, you know.
- Right.
- In one conversation,
he just blew by
eight chapters in my stepdad book.
I mean, this is gonna be so good
for me and the kids.
Oh, baby, you have no idea
who you're dancing with.
Dusty gets into your head,
- that's what he does.
- (WHIRRING)
(MUFFLED) He has a very impressive,
rugged bravado,
there's no question. But I gotta say,
I think in here, there's
a soft, soft creamy center.
You know? I think he feels a lot.
He just... He needs
someone with this, a big ear.
And I got them. Mmm.
Oh, good morning, Dusty.
- Hey.
- You're up and at 'em.
- (OVEN TIMER DINGS)
- Yeah, I got up early
- and did a quick 20.
- Really?
- Twenty minutes of what?
- Oh, twenty miles.
Did a little light sparring,
then I whipped up
a pan of piping-hot
cinnamon rolls for my family.
And I made one for you, too.
Wow. That's very impressive, thank you.
- DUSTY: Good morning, gang!
- Ooh, it smells yummy!
Our real dad's a super,
super-duper good cook!
- Mmm-hmm.
- Here you go, guys.
Yeah, it looks an awful lot like Cinnabon.
Well, thank you, Brad.
What a nice thing to say.
Mmm, it tastes exactly like Cinnabon!
In fact, same shape,
same swirl, same frosting.
Now you're starting to embarrass me,
but I do appreciate the compliment.
Good morning, Sar-bear!
- Morning.
- Hey, listen, guys,
Brad and I had a talk last night
about the importance of family.
And now that everyone's here,
I wanted to say a few words, okay?
I think that would be great.
Hey, kids, you know, families can be
ever-growing and changing things.
And sometimes someone new
knocks on the door of your heart
and you're not sure if you
have room in there for one more.
But there's someone here now
that I hope you guys can learn to love.
Okay?
(WHISTLING)
- Come here, boy!
- (GROWLING)
BOTH: A doggy! Yay!
You brought a dog home?
Yeah. Is that a problem?
I mean, you seemed
really into it while I was teeing it up.
No, I thought you were talking about me.
- Oh, but you're not a dog, Brad.
- No... (SCOFFS)
Look, last night, when we talked...
Oh, yeah. Well, listen,
that's got to happen organically.
Why can't it happen now?
It just can't.
You're dirty.
SARA: Dusty, how old is that thing?
I'd guess him to be around 15.
I mean, I found him this morning,
living in a storm drain.
I named him Tumor,
because of how much he grows on you.
BOTH: Mommy, can we keep Tumor, please?
Oh, I'm gonna leave this one up to Brad.
BOTH: Please, Brad! Please!
Why is he looking at me like that?
- (GROWLING)
- He's only looking at me.
Maybe we just get a puppy instead?
A puppy, Brad? What are they
going to learn from a puppy?
An old dog like Tumor here's
been out in the world, man. Living free.
Fighting for survival and seeing things
we can only dream of.
Just look at the wisdom
in those cloudy eyes.
Besides, you know what happens
to old dogs at shelters.
He's gonna have to walk the green mile
as soon as he gets there.
No, Brad, no! Don't kill our dog!
I hate you!
Okay. Okay. Fine.
He can live out his few
remaining weeks with us.
Yay! Thanks, Brad.
I don't hate you anymore.
He's going potty!
SARA: Oh, my God.
We'll clean it up. We don't mind.
Look at that.
The dog's already
teaching them responsibility.
Hey, guys, when you got to
pick up the potty, use gloves.
- He's definitely got worms in his poo.
- (BOTH GROANING IN DISGUST)
(SIGHS)
SARA: Dusty!
Can you please move this thing?
I can't get my car out of the garage.
Hey, Brad, do you mind?
I want to grab a quick shower.
Yeah, sure, no problem.
- Hey, honey.
- Hi, sweetie.
It's blocking everything.
No, I know. I know, don't worry.
We're on top of it.
What are you doing? Brad, I don't...
Hey! Stay away from that, please.
(GRUNTS)
Honey, what are you doing?
- (ENGINE REVVING)
- (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
I don't know if that's a good idea, Brad.
Dusty!
It's vibrating up into my shoulders.
Hey, it's okay, Brad.
Look, she's a lot of bike, man.
No, I'm good. Why don't you go
back in and take that shower,
so you can get a shirt on?
Oh, you got it.
Hey, you look good on that, man.
Remember, one down, four up.
Dusty, everyone knows it's one down...
- (SCREAMING)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(CRASHING)
Did Brad just die?
I think we all need to prepare ourselves
for that possibility, pumpkin. Okay?
Brad!
Brad!
- (BRAD GROANING)
- (GASPING)
Oh, my God.
- (COUGHING)
- Brad, are you all right?
No, I'm not all right.
I'm in the wall. I'm scared.
Oh, honey.
Jeez, Brad, I thought you said
you could ride.
I can ride, okay.
Would you get a shirt on?
I think if you could ride, you wouldn't
be stuck in a wall right now, Brad.
SARA:
Yeah. I'm sorry to say it, but he's right.
You almost killed the kids!
DUSTY: Let's not beat up
on Brad here. Okay?
He was showboating for the kids
a little bit, and things got out of hand.
Let's all just be grateful
nobody got hurt. Okay?
I got hurt!
Okay, kids, listen up.
This is a good lesson
on why you never wanna lie
about your ability to do things
you clearly can't do, okay, huh?
I think my arm is stuck in the wall.
DUSTY: Brad, just stay still.
I'll get you out.
No, no, no, no, no. No, don't do anything.
And would you please
just go and get a shirt on?
Just calm down, all right?
- (SARA SCREAMING)
- (GROANING)
Hey, I'm really sorry about
what happened to your car.
Yeah, and I'm sorry about
what happened to your bike.
Oh, no damage. Not a scratch.
- Oh, not even one scratch?
- Unbelievable.
(LAUGHS) That's so good.
(ROOF THUDS)
Let's keep it going! Inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Morning, Jerry.
Got to keep it inside the cones!
No, Daddy! You're supposed
to stay in the cones!
Whoa, whoa! Inside the cones!
- Inside. Bring her in. That's better.
- (SIGHS)
Let's keep those kids safe today, okay?
Thank you, Brad.
Sorry, Doris.
It's okay. This whole drop-off line thing
can be a bit overwhelming
if you're not used to it.
Yeah, well, I've landed a chopper
in the middle of a Cuban prison riot,
Brad, I think I'm good.
(BEEPING)
Bye, guys! I love you guys so much.
Have a great day, okay?
- Bye, Daddy!
- Make sure you do all your work.
Bye, guys. Have the best day.
I love you so...
BRAD: Here's the exciting thing.
We just opened up in our 68th market,
making The Panda America's
number three smooth jazz station.
Wow.
And here it is. My, uh... My little nook.
Wow. Oh, man, I gotta admit,
this is more than I expected.
Wow.
I kind of envy you, Brad.
Oh, stop it.
Ah, it's true. I mean, you're a nice guy,
making a comfortable living,
and the most fantastic woman
in the world loves you dearly.
Really? Thanks for saying that.
I mean it. And that sacrifice
she's making for you... That's true love.
Sacrifice?
Well, sure, Brad.
You know how bad
that girl wants another baby.
She wants another baby?
For her to let that slip away
and marry a man she knew to be barren,
that's true love.
How do you know that I can't...
- Bradley.
- Yes.
Caroline says we're gonna hear some
new voice talent this a.m.?
Yes, sir, in about 15 minutes.
Okay. How'd it go
- with the ****bag ex-husband?
- Uh-uh.
You whip his ass with
that Loving Fence of yours?
(LAUGHS)
Well, actually it's interesting, Mr. Holt,
because I want you to meet Dusty Mayron.
Jesus in the morning.
She was married to him first?
Okay. Let's establish some
ground rules, pretty boy.
- Airborne?
- Huh?
Well, your lapel pin.
101st, that's one hell of a division, sir.
Oh, well, thank you, Dusty.
Are you Airborne?
Oh, no, sir, I'm afraid
I don't share that honor,
but I'm humbled to be in the
presence of anyone who does.
Airborne Division? Those guys love to fly.
Very nice to meet you, sir.
Thank you, thank you.
It's good to meet you.
My pleasure. It's an honor.
Fast friends over there. (CHUCKLES)
That's wonderful.
Come on! No way!
The whole time you're running guns
for the freedom fighters
right under the cartel's noses,
and they never suspected it was you once?
Well, I'm sure they started to suspect
once they were in a ball of fire
the size of four city blocks.
(LAUGHING)
That's great. I love that!
Holy buckets, Brad!
If this guy was my wife's ex,
I'd put a bullet in my skull.
(BOTH LAUGH)
DUSTY: Come on, Leo, cut it out.
Oh, uh... Sir, I think Barry's ready.
You're really going to like this guy.
Okay. Ready to listen.
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
All right. Mmm-hmm.
- You like him, Brad?
- I do.
I do. I mean, I think his voice
has a warm dependability
that all Panda listeners could trust.
What do you think, Duster?
(BRAD LAUGHS)
Does Dusty now work for The Panda?
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm not really into smooth jazz.
I shouldn't comment.
(SCOFFS) Nobody's into smooth jazz.
I'm into smooth jazz.
Of course you are, Brad.
So what do you think, Dusty?
I mean, it just seems a little flaccid.
I think you need a voice with some
virility and hope, that tells listeners,
"Hey! Maybe the next song
won't suck as bad as the last one."
Also, I think a strong ability
to be something like...
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
What...
What just happened?
He sang the tagline.
- Good boy, Tumor!
- (CAR HONKING)
BOTH: Daddy!
DUSTY: Hey!
Oh, perfect timing. Listen to this.
DUSTY ON RADIO: One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
- Is that you?
- Yeah!
SARA: That's you?
Why is that him?
I took him to work, and 15 minutes later
he's the new voice of The Panda.
Hey, you believe that? I record
one take at 9:30 this morning,
it's already run 11 times.
Do I really get 182 bucks
every time they play that?
Yes. Every time, yes.
Ooh! Money.
You see why I love America
even more than most people do?
Hey. What's this?
Just the handyman
I hired off Angie's List.
He's upstairs fixing the damage.
Your wife had to hire a man? For what?
Some framing, a little sheetrock repair,
some masonry and basic window glazing?
Come on, Brad.
We can bang that out tonight.
Yeah.
It's just basic sheetrock glazing
and, you know, little whatamajigs.
Get up there and
get in there and crank it out.
Dusty is pretty good with his hands.
Pretty good with my hands,
Brad, she knows.
Okay. Yeah, I'll just go
up there and I'll...
- Want me to do it? I'll tell him to screw.
- No, no, no, no.
No, no, no. That's okay.
I'll tell him,
- "Guess what, bub?"
- Tell him the men are here.
I'll say that.
I'll say, "The men are here."
- Let's do it.
- I don't want to imply to him
that he's not a man. But I'll just say,
"Hey, the boys are back in town." Right?
(HAMMERING)
Oh, hi.
I'm Brad. Uh... My wife hired you.
Nice to meet you, Brad.
I just came up here to say that you...
That, um, you should have good luck.
Thank you for your wishes of luck.
I'll be downstairs.
Well? What happened?
Oh, you know, I think it's...
He already started,
and I just think it feels wrong.
Why? Because he's black?
No. No, no.
Megan! Dylan!
- What are you doing? Huh?
- Teaching moment.
Guys, what would we call Brad
if he treated someone differently
just because of the color of their skin?
- (BOTH GASP)
- Brad's being racism?
Racist, honey. Brad is a racist.
- Honey.
- No, I mean... But not on purpose.
Is Brad a Klan person?
No. (LAUGHS)
So I'm a racist if I don't fire someone?
Well, yeah, you are.
Yeah, you are.
Sir, you're taking this all wrong.
Right. So you get one look
at the color of my skin,
and all of a sudden you're
Mr. Do It Yourself, huh?
No, not at all. Please, allow me
to pay you for your time and travel.
Don't do me any favors, Paula Deen.
(SIGHS)
I'm not a woman.
You did the right thing.
Boy, it doesn't feel that way.
Let's get cracking.
Where do you keep your tools?
I know where Brad keeps his tools.
In the credenza.
- Yeah.
- You keep your tools
- in the credenza, Brad?
- In the credenza. Mmm-hmm.
Just easier to get to.
- It's convenient.
- Yeah.
(CLATTERING)
This is a tackle box, Brad.
Are we going fishing?
No. Unless you want to go fishing.
What have you got in here?
A hammer, masking tape,
three C batteries and a tampon.
Yeah, well, a tampon's handy for...
Yeah, I know what they're handy for.
So are we not going to fix it?
Well, what do you want from me, Brad?
To buy all the gear we need
would cost more
than just hiring someone
off of Angie's List.
- (GROWLING)
- (GASPS)
And the King, he thought the Step King
seemed okay at first, a little soft, maybe,
but, heck, the Queen needed a meal ticket.
But the more the King learned about him,
the more he doubted the
Step King's ability to lead.
So the King decided
there was only one way to...
Psst... Hey. Good story?
Yeah. The King finally
came back to his castle.
But the evil Step King
wouldn't give him his crown back.
Oh, okay, yeah.
I think I've heard this story before.
Ah, it's a story as old as time, Brad.
Well, you know what? It turns out
the Step King wasn't evil at all.
He was a really good guy.
Fun at parties, great conversationalist,
affable. And he saw
that the beautiful Queen
and perfect Prince and Princess
were all alone, and he came
valiantly to their rescue.
Yeah, but wasn't the Queen sad because
the Step King couldn't give
her an heir to the throne?
Okay, you know what?
Now this is getting personal.
Hey, Brad, come on.
We're just doing fairy tales here.
All right. Well, the Queen wasn't sad,
just for the record. (STUTTERING)
The Step King was pretty sure
she was totally cool with it.
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm sure the Queen was thrilled. Right?
Right?
Yeah.
Honey,
what's the matter?
Are you still sad about
Dusty finding your tampon?
No. No, I mean,
this is a little embarrassing,
but it's just, I was...
Is there any chance
you still want another baby?
Oh, my God. What, did Dusty say something?
He's just trying to get in your head.
So it's not true then?
Okay. Maybe I did want another baby.
But it's not possible,
given what happened to your...
And I'm not blaming them. I love them.
They are my fuzzy little pals.
You don't have to say that.
They are.
I am 100% happy
with the family that I have.
The only reason I'm putting up with him is
because my kids are so happy to see him.
And I want them to have
a relationship with their father.
You know what?
I can't wait to see his face
when he figures out
how much you really do for his kids.
Yeah. I mean, I'm
involved. I'm emotionally available.
Yeah, you are.
You are darn right.
It's high time Dusty sees
how a real dad does it.
I am fired up!
(SIGHS)
Let's get some shut-eye.
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Hallelujah!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, dudes! Hey, T.J.!
Brad! Look what Dad did!
He finished the treehouse for you!
Hey, hey! B-man!
No, watch out, B!
(BRAD GROANING)
Hey, Brad. Sorry about that.
- You all right?
- (CONTINUES GROANING)
Brad, what do you think, man?
Wow. Pretty cool zipline.
You like that, huh? It's military grade.
You built all this today? With my tools?
Oh, no, you can't build a treehouse
with a tampon, Brad.
No, I had a little bit of help.
Yo, Dylan, PS4 is all hooked up.
- Thanks, Uncle Griff.
- No problem, buddy.
Uncle Griff?
Dude, I went out for a beer last night,
and who's tending bar but our man Griffy?
We get to talking and we just click.
You know what I mean?
He's a great dude, man. He really is.
I know how you feel about him,
but just give him a chance.
All right? He's having
a tough time at home,
and your firing him sure didn't help.
Well, I fired him because you made me!
- I made you?
- Yeah.
Am I in charge around here now?
Is my name on the mortgage?
Last time I checked,
you were the man of the house,
and me and Griffy were just staying here.
- He's not staying here.
- Because he's black?
No, not because of that.
Look, Griffy helped me
knock this out, all right?
So despite any prejudices
that you may or may not have...
I don't have any prejudices.
I said "may or may not."
- Well, it's may not.
- Well, that's good.
Because that's one of the ones I said.
Hey, kids, come on.
Helmets on the half-pipe.
We got to be safe around here.
Wait, half-pipe?
Look, I know it's taking up
a lot of the yard, but it's gonna make
your house the coolest place
in the neighborhood.
I got a sound system, we got
a couple Go-Pros. That's Corey
from Red Bull over there.
Hey, Corey!
You got a sponsor for my backyard?
Hey, Mr. Mayron! You want next?
Nicholas, please, it's Dusty!
And, yes, I do. Brad, watch this run.
I'm gonna dedicate this run
to my future X-Games champs,
Dylan and Megan. This is for you!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(BLOWS)
Looks like you picked
the wrong leisure activity, buddy.
(ALL CHEERING)
Thank you.
- Oh, hey, Sara.
- Hi.
Okay. Who's got next?
BRAD: I do!
Look!
(ALL GASPING)
Some cute little tricks there, Dusty.
(LAUGHS)
Really adorable.
Brad?
Hey, who'd like to see
how we used to do it
back in the empty pools of Encino,
Castaic, Irvine, Long Beach?
Santa Clarita?
Santa Cruz?
Fremont?
Honey, no, please come down.
Oh, I intend to, sister.
Come on, Brad, it hasn't been that long.
Godspeed.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (GRUNTS)
- ALL: Whoa!
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! Brad!
Oh, no, it's best not to touch him.
Wait a second.
What do you mean, don't touch him?
He's in trouble.
Look, I know he's in trouble, okay?
But if there's a problem, who
do you want to be in charge?
You?
Okay. All right, guys,
we have an emergency situation.
And what's the first thing we do? Anybody?
- You! Redhead.
- Call 911.
Close. But wrong.
First thing we do is remain calm.
Yeah, that's good advice.
The 911 operator can't understand you
if you're hysterical, okay?
So let's all take a deep breath.
In for ten...
Are you kidding me right now? Help him!
Hey, that doesn't sound calm, Sara.
Now, please, call 911
and relate to the dispatcher
- what happened calmly, okay?
- Okay, yes.
Anybody know what we do next?
Check for pulse!
Nice! My star pupil! Come on up here.
All right! Okay, two fingers on the neck,
right below the ear.
- Good. You feel a heartbeat?
- Uh-uh.
Okay, now that means that
Brad here is now clinically... Anybody?
- You, Jean Jacket!
- Dead?
Attaboy, Jean Jacket. You're a smart kid.
He is dead.
All right, so what do we do?
Come on, we're losing him here.
Give him C.P.R.?
Yes! That's my girl.
Come on up here, sweetie.
All right! All right, lock your fingers like
this and press down hard right here.
- (GRUNTING)
- Oh, great job, sweetheart.
Dusty, hurry!
Okay, I'm going to go ahead
and take this one.
Okay? Watch closely now.
If you do your
chest compressions properly,
it shouldn't take long. Clear out, guys.
(WHIRRING)
(GASPING)
- I got him! I got him!
- (COUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING)
My dad can bring people
back from the dead!
(GROANING)
Mr. Whitaker's a zombie!
(MUTTERING)
Look, I'm okay, really.
I just got a little jolt.
You got a little killed
is what you got, Brad.
We thought we lost you.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I just got tired of being
the lame stepdad.
All the kids think he's Superman.
Well, now you know how I felt.
I always had to be the bad guy mom,
giving out the carrots
and the punishments,
and he would breeze in
from God only knows where
and get to be the cool, fun dad.
Honey. Look. (SIGHS)
I'll talk to him, okay?
I'll tell him to get his stuff
and get over to the Red Roof Inn. Pronto.
Great.
(TV PLAYING)
Wait. Prince Hans is actually the bad guy?
Man, I didn't see that coming at all.
He seemed like he really loved Anna.
MEGAN: I hate Prince Hans.
Dusty.
- Hey, how you feeling, Sparky?
- (CHUCKLES)
Sparky. That's hilarious.
DUSTY: Brad, have you seen this movie?
It's unbelievable, man.
There's these two sisters,
one of them has ice powers.
Yeah, I'm familiar with Frozen.
Listen, Dusty, I need to talk to you now.
I can't talk now, Brad.
Just pause the movie!
Can you guys talk out there, please?
Griff, man. You gotta pause it, man.
No! I don't want to ruin the momentum.
He won't... Dude, if another song
comes on, you got to pause it. Okay?
Am I supposed to pause my emotions?
Just pause the song, man.
What's up? What's up?
What's going on, Brad?
- This shouldn't take long.
- Okay, good.
Listen, um, I just think
that you're being here...
Yeah. No problem.
...and now there's Griff here,
it's presenting some obstacles...
(SOBBING)
Stupid helmet!
Honey, what happened?
They pushed me off my bike again!
- I'm so sick of it!
- (CLATTERING)
I want them dead, Brad. All right?
I want their parents dead.
And if they don't have parents, I want
their primary caregivers dead.
Do you understand me?
- Okay, okay.
- He's okay.
Megan's upstairs playing with him.
I am so pissed about this.
Was it the fourth graders again?
Fourth graders?
What, you knew about this, Brad?
Yeah. Dylan asked to speak
specifically to me about it.
- Really?
- So, we role-played
some conflict resolution dialogue.
Are you being serious right now, Brad?
What you need to be teaching him
is some ass-beating resolution.
Damn straight. You got to
make a statement. Set a tone.
It's kind of a family matter over here.
No, Dusty and Griff are right.
Those little punks need
their butts whooped.
Hey, you got any Miracle Whip?
Yeah, it's behind the... (SIGHS)
Here. Hold on. Let me just get it for you.
Guys, I know we're upset right now,
but here's the thing.
Violence never solved anything.
Hey, check your history books, buddy.
Almost everything is solved by violence.
There are better ways.
Okay. Name one. Besides dialoguing.
- Name one?
- Name one!
- What do you mean, name one?
- You said you could
solve problems with
things other than fighting.
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
Well, you said you knew!
You act like you knew!
- Fine, yes!
- What?
Dancing! Dancing.
Did you... Did you just say dancing, Brad?
It's very popular in youth culture
to resolve conflict through dancing.
They step up to each other and get served
by crunking, or popping and locking.
They call each other out, they take turns,
and it is no less intense
than a classic street brawl.
But, at the end of the day, no one's hurt.
And it's a great aerobic workout.
He's flailing a bit,
but he has a good point.
There's a rich history
of dance battles in film.
- You got Breakin' 1...
- I didn't even think of this.
...Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.
One of the rare cases
where the sequel was better
- than the original.
- Much better.
You got Step Up, Stomp the Yard.
He makes a solid point.
Honey, are you telling us that we
should teach Dylan to dance?
(SIGHS) No, I'm just saying that
teaching him to fight isn't the answer.
Okay, but maybe teaching him
to fight back isn't so bad?
BRAD: Okay.
There we go. Perfect.
That's good, right there.
Yeah. A lot of protection.
All right, Dylan. You ready, buddy?
- I guess.
- Oh, you're ready.
Brad, Griff. You guys be
the fourth graders.
- I'll be Dylan.
- Okay.
All right. Hey, buddy, the first thing you
want to do is call out the biggest one.
Hey! What's the matter?
You too much of a pussy to take me on
without your little *****es to back you up?
Wow. Okay, yes.
That cut right through me, there.
I'm filled with inner shame right now.
Saying to myself,
"Gosh, maybe I'm not behaving
"100% the way I want to."
Right? Is that same page?
No. What the kid's gonna think
is, "Now I can beat your ass
"all on my own." But now
you only got one bully to contend with.
Now bullies always open up
with some shoving first.
- Watch. Brad, give me a little shove.
- All right.
(YELPS)
Whoa, I didn't connect there, did I?
No. It was really close, though.
See what I did, buddy?
I turned my body just enough
to let his weight bring him in,
then I came right down Broadway.
- I'm not gonna hit you.
- Oh.
- Okay, relax. Okay?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Bam!
- (ALL GASP)
It's called the element of surprise.
Then you start punking his ass!
You want some more of that, *****, huh?
You like that, *****?
All right. Do we really
need to use that word?
- No.
- Honey, yes.
Unfortunately, we do. I'm sorry.
You have to make him a *****.
It's a fundamental step in
destroying a bully's psyche.
Now stay down, *****!
Then you kick that kid right in the nuts!
Kick him in the nuts, Dylan!
Wait! I thought you were in my gang.
Yeah, but once Dylan tuned you up,
I switched sides.
What do you think happens
out there on the playground, Brad?
All right, now come on, buddy.
It's your turn. All right?
I'll be the fourth grader.
Can I just go inside already, please?
Hey, buddy come on, this is easy.
You can do this.
I said, no! I don't like this stuff.
I'll just stay away from them
from now on. Mom?
Okay, come here, buddy.
- Come on. It's all right.
- Brad.
Help me out here. Come on.
Hey, wait.
Pal, listen...
I know what it's like
to be afraid to go to school.
Okay? When I was your age,
this group of older kids
started picking on me.
I ran and I cried
underneath the bleachers.
They bothered me every day,
because they knew
I was too afraid to face them.
Until one day, I'd had enough.
And I socked Jesse Hubbard
right in the nose.
Really? And they left you alone?
Damn right they did.
Brad. (SOFTLY) That was good.
Come here, buddy.
Hey, I'm proud of you. All right?
Now, look at me. I want you to punch them
right in the Adam's apple. Okay?
I want you to shatter their throat.
Hold on, hold on.
I'm sorry. Look, I'm having
a pang of guilt right now.
Full disclosure. Some of the elements
of my story weren't exactly true.
Um, the incessant crying, 100% true.
The constant bullying, absolutely,
it all happened, but I, uh...
I've never punched anyone in my life.
I could have told you that.
- Then what did you do?
- Yeah, what did you do?
Well, nothing at all.
In fact, sixth grade was so rough,
I changed my name to Devin Lacecock.
Why the hell would you tell him that?
I pretended to be blind for an entire
school year, just to elicit empathy.
Which was great until
they found me intently watching
an episode of MASH.
In fact, it got so bad,
my parents had to refinance
our house to put me in private school.
Let's just do that.
Can I go to private school, please?
No, Dylan, we can't do that.
Want to know why?
Because ever since that day,
I've always run away from conflict.
In fact, if I had a dad like Dusty
when I was your age, maybe
he could have taught me
how to stand up for myself.
So, wait. You're saying,
if I don't stick up for myself now,
I'll grow up to be a huge wussy like you?
Um, yes. That is the basic
gist of what I'm saying. Yes.
Okay. Then let's do this.
DUSTY: Come on, buddy, you got this.
Give me something. Come on.
Faster, harder, meaner, stronger.
You're fast, you're good.
You're a winner. You're a champion.
They got to let you off the leash, baby.
We got a little pit bull here.
That was really nice, you guys. Good job.
It was really fun to watch
the two of you working together
like a couple of great co-dads.
Yeah.
Co-dads. That's...
That's good stuff.
You know what?
In that same spirit of unity,
I want to show my gratitude
for your inviting me
to stay here and share moments like these.
Oh, about that, Dusty.
When I pulled you over there, actually...
No, what you've done here
does not go unnoticed.
And I repay my debts.
Look, Sara, I know how much
you want another child.
I think I can help
put a baby in there for you.
- Oh, my God!
- What are you saying?
- I mean I got a guy.
- Dusty, please! You got a guy?
Yes, I got a guy. A fertility doctor.
He's a buddy of mine.
I trained him for his first Ironman.
All right? Dr. Francisco is the real deal.
- Dr. Emilio Francisco?
- You've heard of him?
Oh, my God, yeah.
He's been on Dr. Oz like 10 times.
Yeah, he's one of the top five reproductive
endocrinologists in the country.
See? People wait years
to get an appointment with this guy.
Do you really think he would see us?
- Whoa, whoa, hold on.
- I know he would.
If anybody can help you
have a baby, he can.
Mommy's going to have a baby?
Cool! Can we name it Griff?
Oh, thanks, D-man.
Look, you guys,
I don't know if this is a good idea.
What, you don't wanna name your baby
after a black person?
- Is that it?
- No!
You probably want to name it something
really white, like Connor or Gordon.
Harland, or Scot with one T. Or Brad.
No, no, Griff is a lovely name.
I'm just saying,
I don't think it's a good
idea to get our hopes up,
because, in the end,
odds are, I'm going to let you down.
Okay, honey, but what if I promise,
promise, promise not to get my hopes up?
We could just try, right? It can't hurt.
Okay, sure.
But you can't get your hopes up.
No. I won't, I won't! Thank you!
I feel like you've already
gotten your hopes up.
- Where are you going?
- Nowhere!
- You calling your mother?
- No!
Okay, yes, but it's about something else.
It's not about something else.
Damn it, Brad, he set you up.
He used this fancy doctor
to get your wife back on the baby train.
When those test results come back
and prove that you can't give her a baby,
guess who's gonna be waiting
there cocked and loaded?
Well, I trust my wife, so we really don't
need to keep talking about it, okay?
Let me tell you a little story, Brad.
When Jeneane, my fourth, and I
were returning from our honeymoon,
she told me that
she had a 23-year-old kid.
Brazilian boy.
Said she had him real young.
So he moves in with us.
Doesn't speak a lick of English.
There are the usual tensions.
I try to assert my authority.
"Andreas, get your feet
off the furniture."
"Andreas, you're too old
to sleep in bed with Mommy."
"Andreas, you got to stay off the 'roids."
And he'd get mad,
and hit me with a car antenna.
Eh... Maybe that's the way kids are.
No. Not really.
So I adopt him,
help him get his citizenship.
The second the papers come through,
guess what happens?
I already know.
Bam! They shack up together in Barstow.
It turns out Andreas
- is her boyfriend, Brad.
- Mmm-hmm.
I did not see it coming.
I actually did, about one,
two words into your story.
The moral of this fable is,
it's good to know when you're beaten.
- You know I think the world of you, Brad.
- Thank you.
But if I'm being completely honest,
even I'm rooting for Dusty.
He's just so damn likeable.
You know, it's getting kind of late.
Shouldn't we just get back to work?
Okay, you win.
So where are we on The Panda Jam
numbers for next summer?
London, you still on the conference call?
Dusty Mayron, you crazy hijo de puta!
- (LAUGHS) Hey, what's up, Doc?
- (EXCLAIMING)
You look great, man. You still
rocking those Ironmans, huh?
Yeah, bro.
I just finished Brazil in 11:40.
- That's unbelievable.
- Yeah. Well, come on.
Ain't nothing on you, man.
Hey, my first race,
I'm limping across the finish line
when this ******* laps me.
I mean, come on, who wins an Ironman,
then decides to go around again?
Who does that?
It sounds exhausting.
Hey, I'm Dr. Francisco. You must be Sara.
Hi. (LAUGHS)
Dusty, you were not lying
about this one. Very nice.
And you weren't lying
about this one either.
You must be Chief Glowing Sack.
What? (LAUGHS)
Hey, come on,
I'm just lighting you up, man.
Come on, little hug.
Okay, come on back, y'all.
Let's take a look.
All right. So let's run it down.
I think we can safely say that your issue
has nothing to do with X-rays.
You know what, sweetheart, come here.
Let's see that pretty little hand.
Okay. Now put it right in here.
- Oh!
- Okay, you feel that?
- Yeah.
- Okay, that is not how you want
testicles to be shaped.
Really? It feels like all the other...
Hi.
Well, it cuts off blood flow, okay?
Limits potency.
You want them to...
You know what? Actually...
- Hey, Dusty!
- Hey.
- Why is he coming in here?
- Little help in here, please.
Oh, come on. You gotta put me
through this every time?
- Come on. Be a sport.
- All right.
Oh, my God! What are you doing?
Is this even ethical?
(GASPS) James and the Giant Peach.
(GULPS)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
It's okay, I gulp every time.
You see, this... This is what you want.
Plump and bulbous.
Glassy smooth, like
two Patrick Stewarts,
you know what I mean?
Don't embarrass me in front
of Sara like this anymore, okay?
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, sorry, bro.
So, ready to milk the cow,
see if we even got a sliver of hope here?
Hey, Dusty, come on, buddy. Want to
try to break your own record?
Oh, no, I'm good.
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, come on, man.
I'm doing you a favor here.
Give me something to brag
about at the next symposium.
All right, fine. You want to break
the record, I gotta break the record.
(LAUGHS) Yeah. Kid came to play.
Should I grab a big cup, too?
What? Stop screwing around.
Come on. We're burning daylight here.
(DOOR OPENS)
(WOMEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
(SIGHS)
(ALL GASPING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hello. Quick question.
How difficult would it be
for someone to whip up
a batch of your Cinnabons?
Would you need restaurant-grade ovens?
Bradsky. Could you
pass this along to Dusty?
It's his first resids check.
Disclaimer. It's more than you make.
- Don't get worried about it.
- How much more than...
Oh, and tell him, 8:30 sharp at my house.
He doesn't need to bring anything.
All right, buddy?
I've never been to your house.
No, you haven't.
SARA: Oh, my God, my hair, it looks awful.
Doesn't Mommy's hair look pretty?
- No. Next slide, please.
- DUSTY: Oh, okay.
- Slides. Fun.
- DUSTY: Aw...
Cool. You guys climbed that?
Yuck. Why are you guys kissing
in every single picture?
Oh, Mommy used to kiss Daddy a lot.
SARA: Married people kiss a lot.
DUSTY: Ready?
Wow, China.
I loved it there.
Dylan, you were created right
there on that wall, buddy.
- Really?
- Dusty, that's enough.
- DUSTY: Okay, next slide.
- (SARA LAUGHS)
That's where your mom and I met,
doing The King and I in summer stock.
SARA: God, that costume was so tight.
(LAUGHS)
Next slide, please.
Oh, my God.
- MEGAN: Is that baby me?
- SARA: Mmm-hmm.
All right, you guys, let's,
um, get ready for bed.
- Okay?
- DUSTY: It's story time, Mayron family!
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
MEGAN: We don't have to wait
for Mr. Whitaker, do we?
I really don't like you,
but that **** is heartbreaking.
(DOOR CLOSING)
MEGAN: Yay! Griff's home!
So the King raised his mighty sword
and rained steel down upon the Step King.
But the Step King
blocked it with his shield.
And swung his cat o'nine tails
into the King's smug face.
Which the King easily brushed aside
like the feather of a gull.
And then the King did counter
with a barrage of slashes
and thrusts so fast and precise
that the Step King had no way to parry.
BOTH: Yay!
But he did. He did.
He parried all of them.
- Easily. It was no big deal.
- BOTH: Aw.
Then he grabbed the King's
sword right out of his hand
and smashed it over his knee.
BOTH: Boo!
That's when the King pulled out
a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!
Which is completely anachronistic.
So if we're doing any time period,
then the Step King just happened to be
wearing Kevlar body armor.
- Concussion grenade!
- Hand grenade.
- Rocket launcher.
- Missile launcher.
- Air strike.
- Nuclear strike.
- Black hole.
- God.
We know what this comes down to.
The Step King was very upset
because when the real King
pulled out his sword,
it was long and shiny,
and the Step King
did shudder at the size of it.
And while the Step King acknowledged
that the King carried a mighty,
beautifully engraved broadsword,
all the maidens in the land
preferred the more average-sized
Step King's sword because
it knew how to listen.
- (SCOFFS)
- And the King needs to realize
he's a guest in his castle
and he better mind his P's and Q's
because the Step King
has had it up to here
with the King's bull****!
Brad said a naughty word.
Kids, I'm so sorry you had to hear
that inappropriate language.
Make sure you tell your mother.
Brad, can I talk to you
in the hall, please?
(SIGHS)
Brad, what just happened in there, man?
(WHISPERING) Look, the Step King
should not have
used inappropriate language in front of
the Prince and Princess, he admits that.
Why are you still saying it
like that, Brad?
We're out in the hall.
I don't know. I'm upset.
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- Hold on.
Oh-ho-ho! Hello?
Yeah, Brad's here, he's doing good.
Hey, it's Dr. Francisco.
He wants us all to come in tomorrow.
9:30 work for you?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Yeah,
we'll see you then.
All right, bud. Come on, man.
The doctor will be with you in a moment.
ALL: Thank you.
(SARA GRUNTING)
Hey, Brad, whatever happens
here, I just want you to know
that I'm proud of you for doing your best.
- Okay?
- Thank you.
Hello, hello. Okay.
I'm going to cut right to the chase.
Sara, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
Oh, God. That is a tough break. I'm sorry.
Damn, that is a real shame.
My heart is melting.
Yeah, it's a real shame, Sara.
A real shame that
you're gonna have to put up
with Brad here pounding away on you
over and over,
now that he's got a fighting chance
of getting you pregnant.
- (GASPING)
- What? Oh, my God!
- Holy moly!
- Oh, my God.
Hey, Doc, Doc, don't give them
a false sense of hope.
Remember what you said about
the blood flow and the screwy 'nads?
Yeah, well, Brad has you
to thank for that, Dusty.
Okay, in lab rats,
whenever another alpha male
comes around, it can spike testosterone,
driving up sperm counts.
Now, no guarantees, okay?
But with my help, Brad,
I think you got enough left in the tank
to make it all the way to baby town.
That's so wonderful. Thank you.
- BOTH: Thank you so much.
- Of course.
- Can we give you a hug?
- Oh, yeah. Come on in.
BRAD: Oh, my gosh.
- Did not expect this.
- Mmm...
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
You virile sea snake, you.
- I underestimated you, Brad.
- Yes, you did.
I can finally give Sara everything,
and it feels good.
Now, listen, this is what you need to do.
You need to go and pee outside
the room that Dusty sleeps in.
He's gonna smell your urine and know that
your virility is not to be taken lightly.
It's good advice.
I did it last year in the lobby.
Oh, I remember. It was a health hazard.
It scared the FedEx guy.
No, I'm going to take
the high road on this one.
Okay, fine, take the high road.
But jam a baby up in there
as quickly as you can, Brad.
Because, in the end, if Sara
does choose Dusty over you,
he has to be stepdad to your baby.
- How beautiful is that?
- (LAUGHS)
Come on, five it.
No. You know, it feels strange
to high-five over the custody
of my unborn child.
I've been on Dusty's team.
I'm trying to jump over
to the winning team Brad.
- Get on this.
- I'd really rather not.
I'm trying to share a moment
with you here. Please five me.
It feels... No, thanks.
- Got it!
- Wait. No.
- Sweet.
- It didn't count.
I love you, Brad.
It's not a binding high-five.
Fat beans in there.
- Dusty?
- Brad.
What can I do for you?
Oh, wow, that's some impressive up-downs.
Look, uh,
what you did for Sara and me,
that's a life-changer, and
I just wanted to say thank you.
And I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?
Well, here's the thing.
I mean, you show up,
here's this guy who's cool and exciting.
I guess I felt a little competitive, and
slightly insecure, and I start thinking,
well, maybe you want to challenge me.
But today you proved that
all you really care about
is our family's happiness.
Oh, man.
I'm humbled.
I mean it. And you know what?
You're right. I was challenging you, Brad.
- Yeah?
- The truth?
I see this new man in my kids' life.
He's kind and caring and successful,
and I don't even want to like you.
But I can't help it. I like you, Brad.
Really?
I was determined to push you out
and get my family back.
I was underhanded
and disingenuous about it.
I feel like a monster.
No. No, no, no.
(SIGHS)
At the risk of being disrespectful,
I want you to shut your mouth.
You are allowed
to have those feelings. Okay?
Heck, we're talking about
your own children here, for cripes' sake.
Clean slate?
Absolutely.
Come here.
(SIGHS)
You know what's funny?
You're not even sweating,
after doing all those push-ups.
That's exemplary.
(SIGHS)
Thank you, Dusty.
Thank you, Brad.
Oh, uh...
You know, all that stuff about pushing
me out and taking over my family,
I mean, we're through all that, right?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm here to defeat you
and take back my family.
That can't change.
But now I'll follow your noble example
and do it above board.
Honestly. Like a man. Like you.
But we just hugged. You said you like me.
Oh, I do like you, Brad, very much.
It doesn't make this any easier.
You know I'm gonna have to tell Sara
what you said in here today.
Of course.
It would be irresponsible not to.
She's not gonna like it.
She's gonna want you out.
You're right about that, Brad.
What the hell are you up to?
I just told you what I'm up to.
My head is spinning right now.
Hey, you got any sweet potatoes? Or yams?
Sweet potatoes or yams?
Griff, you know we have yams, all right?
You made me buy them for you.
I wanted to respect
your house by asking you
before I got them.
I didn't want to just go grab yams.
Okay, I appreciate that.
I'm dealing with something.
- Just go get the yams.
- All right.
Here's the thing. You're right, Dusty.
Yeah. I'm not going to tell Sara.
But I'm gonna prove to you
that I'm the best.
You can eat my dust, Dusty.
Christmas already?
Why didn't anybody tell me?
It's not. It's the middle of April.
- Daddy must have done this!
- BRAD: Ho, ho, ho, ho!
No, he didn't. (LAUGHS)
- Brad.
- Ho, ho!
Claus is the name.
Santa Claus, if you please.
But this Brad you speak of called me
all the way up at the North Pole.
He said his children were so sad because
their biological father had missed so many
Christmases and birthdays
and special family holidays,
so he asked me
to come here today so that Dusty
could experience one Christmas
with his kids before he leaves again.
Probably for a long, long time.
Ho, ho, ho!
Can we open presents?
You sure can, little girl.
I think they're from Brad.
In fact, all the presents are from Brad.
Let's see if any of the
presents are from Dusty.
Nope. Not one present from Dusty.
All from Brad.
Hey, kids, let's not forget
who got you a dog. Remember?
Hey, Tumor, quit humping Mrs. Claus!
(GROWLING)
Okay, I am officially worried about you.
Don't worry, Claus hasn't forgotten you.
Huh?
- For me?
- Yeah.
(GASPS)
Oh, my God, honey, it's beautiful.
I love it.
Wait, no! No! No, no. It's too much.
(TUMOR BARKS)
Oh, no, it looks like Tumor's
given away Megan's big gift.
(SCREAMING JOYFULLY)
A pony! A pony! A pony!
I know, it's a pony!
- Ho, ho, ho!
- (CONTINUES SCREAMING)
It's a pony, Dusty! A pony!
Can we name her Princess Elsa?
You can name him whatever you want,
because it's yours!
Brad, how can we afford a pony?
Where are we even going to put that thing?
I can clear out some stable
space in the garage.
Look, it's only half a horse.
Okay? Think of it like
a big dog, only a lot better.
Oh, what's this? What the heck?
It's tickets to tonight's
NBA playoff game...
- What?
- ...against Dylan's favorite team,
the Los Angeles Lakers?
Oh, thanks, Brad! You're the coolest!
I love you, Brad!
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Merry Christmas, Whitaker family!
GRIFF: Christmas?
How long was I asleep for?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
- You guys got enough candy?
- Yeah!
Remember, you can have anything
you want, 'cause it's Christmas!
No, it isn't. It's not Christmas, kids.
- BRAD: All right. Here we are.
- Oh, sick! We're this close?
Yeah. Pretty good, right?
Megan, you sit down right there.
Perfect. Dylan, you sit next to me.
And, Dusty, I'm so sorry. Yeah.
I could only get four in a row.
I couldn't get five.
So you're across the aisle,
next to that gentleman.
All right, guys, I'll be right here.
- We can still chat.
- Bye, Daddy.
Look, there's Kobe! It's him!
He's right there.
Thank you, Brad, this is the best present
I've ever gotten.
- You are so welcome.
- In my whole life.
I'm glad to hear it's the
best present you've ever got!
How much did these seats cost?
Not too much.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give a big welcome
to all the kids from Hearts of Courage.
Whoo! Hearts of Courage kids!
Proud of you, you're all miracles!
Whoo! I love kids!
All right, honey. That's plenty.
I just get excited
when I'm with my family!
Dusty! Dusty Mayron!
- Marco? Hey!
- (MARCO LAUGHS)
What's up, man? Are you coaching now?
Yeah, I'm the new strength
and conditioning coach.
- Oh, man.
- Check you out.
Hey, I played ball with him in Italy.
This is my family. My little guy, Dylan.
He's the biggest Kobe fan in the world.
Really? Well, come on down.
I'll introduce you.
- What?
- What? You hear that?
You want to meet Kobe?
MARCO: Bring the whole family down.
You guys can sit with the team.
Hey, this is my little girl, Megan.
She just invited me to her first
Daddy-Daughter Dance.
- So sweet.
- What did he just say?
What the hell did he just say?
Oh, sorry. He's okay.
No, I'm not okay. He's not okay.
- Honey, you need to calm down.
- No! I'm not gonna calm down.
She asked me first!
And now she's asking him?
No. It's not fair.
You know what, actually, it's very fair.
Okay? She has two dads.
She wants you both there.
You just have to accept that.
No, I'm not going to accept it. All right?
I do pick-up! I do drop-off!
Okay, I volunteer at school!
I listen to the tantrums and the crying
and the soundtrack of Frozen
that's on a goddamn loop all the time!
And he just waltzes in for a few days,
and now he gets to go as well? No!
No, she's got to choose.
It's either me or him!
- Megan, you got to choose!
- (SARA SHUSHING)
- You got to choose!
- SARA: Hey!
It's the biggest decision of your life!
Hey!
You know what? I'm going to pretend
you're not acting like a crazy person,
because I know you're very upset.
But you need to get over yourself. Okay?
Now go down there and
be happy with your kids.
No! A scalper gouged me 18 grand
for these seats. I'm not leaving them!
What?
- (STAMMERING)
- What did you just say?
Yeah. Nothing. Let's just... You're right.
(SIGHS) I'm so much more relaxed now.
Thank you.
Yeah. Let's just go down... Let's just...
No!
I think you should sit
in your $18,000 seats,
and think of all the better ways
your family could have used that money.
Sara.
The guy from the nuclear sub thing?
- Mayron! That's him.
- That's the guy?
Can I get some beers down here?
Can I get five beers?
Excuse me, some beers!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHEERING)
THE WHIP: What's up, everybody?
Let's make some noise!
Whoo-hoo!
Tonight, one lucky fan is going to
get a chance to shoot from half court
to win a family vacation to Disney World!
(ALL CHEERING)
And our lucky fan is sitting in
section 113,
row 6,
C-1. Where is he?
Let's see it. Where is he?
It's me. It's me, I win!
- There he is.
- I win.
I'm-a make it to Disneyland.
I'm-a make it all right.
- All right, Brad!
- Yay, Brad!
Yay, Brad!
All right, sir, how you doing?
What's your name?
First off, I love my kids.
He loves his kids! Let's give it up!
And if anyone was ever
to do anything to them,
- I would hurt them.
- Okay.
I would freakin' hurt them!
THE WHIP: Okay.
This guy over here is trying to take them!
Trying to steal my family.
He doesn't sweat!
Okay, you know what?
Why don't we just shoot...
But I got news for you, buddy!
Last night, while you were sleeping,
I made love to our wife!
- Okay.
- My wife!
BRAD: Sara, right over there!
Took my wiener out of my pants!
This is a family event, okay?
- Boo! Boo!
- All right.
So,
even if Sara does pick you,
you're going to have to be
the stepdad to my kid!
You see how you like it! Okay?
THE WHIP: Let's get somebody else
down here, all right? Somebody else...
Somebody else is going to win
a family trip!
Give me that ball, you.
This one's for Dylan and Megan
and Sara and Dylan.
Nothing but net.
THE WHIP: All right, he's going for it!
Nothing but net!
(GRUNTS)
- (GROANING)
- (ALL GASPING)
Do-over!
- That's a do-over!
- No do-over. No.
It's a do-over!
- (GROANS)
- (ALL GASPING)
(BRAD THUDDING)
(ALL APPLAUDING)
THE WHIP: I'm so sorry
you had to see that. I'm so sorry.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
SARA: Hey, kids, why don't you go inside
and put on your pajamas?
- What are you doing?
- I'm comforting you.
Sara, look... Sorry, too soon. I know.
But I just want you to know
that I'm here for you and the kids.
Oh, really? You want to be
a real parent now? Is that what this is?
Absolutely. I'm here now.
Dusty, I'm working crazy hours this week.
With Brad gone, the kids
are gonna have to be dropped off,
picked up, taken to swimming lessons.
Dylan has a play date with Eli on Tuesday,
and Megan has a dentist
appointment on Friday.
Sara, I know in the past
I've been unreliable,
but this is a new me. All right?
This is the new Dusty.
Well, you can't take them
to school on a motorcycle.
- You need a car.
- Done.
Okay.
Hey! You're not staying here!
Are you sure you don't need
company right now?
I mean, you're going through
a tough transition here.
Be here at 6:30 tomorrow morning.
Well, can I at least
come in and get my stuff?
No!
DUSTY: I'm gonna wait for a while,
in case you change your mind.
(SIGHS)
Hey.
Oh...
What did you throw Griff out for?
- This place is chaotic.
- (SCOFFS)
There's always some bull****
going on in that house.
God, man. Want to go to the Red Roof Inn?
Let's do it.
Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
(MUFFLED) Yes, sir.
DORIS: Okay. No running!
All right. Lindsey! Sloane!
Car's open right down there!
Okay, sir, inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Keep it inside...
That's right! Thank you.
(CAR ENGINE REVVING)
Hi. I see you've been picking up
Megan and Dylan these past few days.
Should I expect you from now on?
Um, yeah, I'm their real dad,
so yeah, from now on.
Terrific. I see that you also haven't
signed up to volunteer in the lane.
Brad was so good about
helping us out in the lane,
in the classroom, PTA, and so forth.
We could always count on him
for bake sales, Spring Sing,
costumes for Winter Pageant.
You know the drill.
I hope I can count on you
to be the new Brad.
Ah, sure, yeah. You can count on me.
I mean, I'm their real dad,
so, yeah, I'll be here every day.
Great. So, if your kids aren't out here,
I'm gonna need you to circle around
to the back of the line. Okay?
- No, I can't go around.
- Thanks.
I came ten minutes early
so I don't have to...
If your kids aren't here,
you have to go around!
I know. There's somebody
in front of me. Okay?
Just go around!
I can't just go over the
cones! I'm boxed in here!
- Go around!
- No, you can't! Okay?
She said stay in the cone, like ice cream!
- (HONKING)
- Go around!
DORIS: Inside the cones!
Amanda has got a recital!
I have to get there! You need to go!
(HORN HONKING CONTINUES)
(REVVING ENGINE)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
- DORIS: Hey!
We always stay inside the cones!
Cones! (GRUNTING)
Cones! Come on!
(MR. HOLT SIGHING)
Have you been living here
for the last few days, Brad?
No.
Then what's with the blankets
and the hot plate
and the B.O.?
I crapped in the wastebasket.
You know, Brad, two years
into my thing with Charlene,
her first husband showed up.
Oriental fellow.
You can't say that.
You cannot say "Oriental."
His name was Yu or Wu.
It could have been Javier.
Anyway, I get off early one day,
get home, and
there he is, stark naked in our bed.
I didn't know what to think.
Really? You didn't know what to think?
Six months later,
I wake up in a Chinese prison
with a tattoo on my lower back
of a golf ball rolling towards my butthole.
I can't hear these stories anymore.
I'm sorry. I know they're
supposed to help...
Griff! What are you doing here?
Thought you should know
Dusty came by the bar earlier.
He was talking about how
he can't do the daddy thing.
I tried to talk some sense into him, but
he seemed determined to get out of town.
What, he's leaving?
I don't think I have to tell you,
but little Megan's dance is tonight,
and she's not going to have a daddy.
That's fantastic. Brad, you win.
And Dusty, because of
an act of cowardice, loses.
I mean, you're the daddy again.
Come on, hit that.
(SIGHS)
No, I'm not her daddy.
I wish more than anything I was,
but I'm not.
Yeah, you're right, Brad. A real dad
wouldn't give up on his kids so easy.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Griff!
Wait!
He's still in the room, Brad.
Oh, hey.
Sorry. I thought you stormed out.
What you said sounded like a storm-out,
and then I heard the door close.
I just thought that ****
was getting kind of personal,
so it'd be good to close the door.
So extremely thoughtful. Thank you. Yeah.
And just so you know where my head was at,
I was going to chase you
down the hallway. Right?
You'd hear my footsteps and you're like,
"Is someone after... What's going on?"
Boom! It's me, and I'm like, "Griff, hey!
"You were right."
Holy ****! That would be so uplifting.
Can we do that?
Griff, can you storm out, and Brad,
you go after him?
I don't really want any part of that.
That sounds like pure nonsense to me.
I don't want... I'd rather not.
We could just try it, you know?
No, that sounds forced and weird to try to
recreate something. Not even recreate.
It would be creating. It didn't happen.
It's over-discussed at this point.
Shouldn't you go see your kid?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.
You guys go. Brad, can I come?
No.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Daddy's not coming, is he?
Oh, honey, he'll be here. He promised.
I see cupcakes over there.
I think you should go eat some. Go on.
Go eat a lot of sugar.
(VIBRATING)
Dusty.
- Nope.
- Come on, Dusty.
Where are you going?
I'd pay a billion dollars
to take her to that dance.
- You're just gonna leave?
- You take her then.
I can't take her. Okay?
I'm not welcome after I said
I was gonna put a spite baby
in her mother.
- I guess that's out, then.
- Yeah, that is out.
- So it's gotta be you.
- (SIGHS)
I'm sorry, Brad,
I just can't do it, all right?
What do you mean, you can't do it?
I can't stay inside the cones.
Look, Dusty, the cones are
there for everyone's safety.
- It's not about the cones.
- You just said it was.
The cones are a metaphor, Brad.
I'm not the domestic type, okay?
Dusty, come on.
What are you talking about?
You're organized, you're handy.
You make the best cinnamon rolls
I have ever tasted.
Those were Cinnabons, Brad. Come on.
You can't make rolls like that
in a conventional oven.
I knew it! I knew it.
I knew it from the beginning!
So you've been telling
some tall tales, huh?
- All that Special Ops stuff.
- No, just the Cinnabons!
Why would you lie about Cinnabons?
'Cause I wanted to win. All right?
I wanted to prove that
I was a good dad, too, but I'm not.
Okay? Are you happy?
Is that what you want to hear?
All the noise and the mess
and all the choices.
You do one thing wrong,
you can screw them up for life.
- Do you realize that?
- Yeah.
Dads have to make a lot of choices, okay?
And we blow most of them.
Yeah, and the other parents.
That kid, Eli. I was over there
for a play date. You know about this?
You can't just ride your bike
over to a friend's house,
to play Hot Wheels anymore,
now you got to make some kind of date?
- I know, it's a shame.
- Well, I'm over there,
and the kid's dad keeps
asking me if Dylan's gonna be
in the gifted program with Eli.
Like Dylan isn't as smart as
his little ball-scratcher kid.
I wanted to murder that smug prick.
Dusty, look, I hate that guy, too, okay?
But his son is Dylan's best friend,
so you suck it up.
(STUTTERING) I mean, that's most of
what dads do, is take ****.
I mean, that's what we do.
I can't do it, Brad.
I can't take **** like you do.
You take **** better than
anyone I've ever met,
and I mean that as a compliment
from the bottom of my heart.
- Thank you.
- But I'm sorry, Brad. I can't.
I can't do it, man.
You made a promise to Megan,
and you're gonna keep it.
Ow!
(GROANING)
Did you just punch me in the face, Brad?
Ow, yes.
Knowing full well I got no choice
but to bust you up now?
I really wish you wouldn't.
If I did, you'd take that beatdown
for those kids, wouldn't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I would.
- Come on.
- Good luck, Dusty.
What? No, no, you gotta come.
It's just... I can't see Sara
after what I said.
Sara loves you, Brad. All right?
I know just what to say to her.
You just stand there
and look lost without her.
- I am lost without her.
- Well, that's good. Then let's go.
- But I look terrible.
- Yeah, you do. Come here.
- What are you doing?
- I'm fixing you up, man.
Dusty, get your hands out of my pants.
Calm down. Think I want to
touch your little dinky?
I'm trying to fix you up.
All right. Let me see.
Wow. I look great.
Here you go.
- That's incredible.
- Come on.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
SARA: Hey, pumpkin.
Daddy wanted to be here,
I know he did. He just gets...
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Uh-oh.
She's doing her arms-folded thing.
You said she'd smile.
Maybe even start a slow clap.
Don't worry, I got this. Okay? Come on.
Oh, hey, look, it's the guy that
stranded his kids at school.
And look who he's with.
Did you get anybody pregnant
on your way over here, Brad?
No, I didn't.
- DUSTY: Sara, listen...
- No!
- Sara, please.
- No. I am not going to listen to you.
You know what? Your daughter's been
sitting there for two hours, heartbroken.
Sara, I am so sorry...
Oh, just, please. Will one of you idiots
just ask your daughter to dance?
- Really?
- SARA: Yes.
Neither one of you deserves her, but yes.
- Go ahead, Dusty.
- No, you take the first one.
You've earned it more than I have.
Dusty, please, she's your daughter.
What the hell did I miss?
I'll tell you what. I'll vouch for you
to the kids and I'll take the first dance.
I'll say my good-byes,
and then I'll get out of your hair.
Wait, wait. When you say
"get out of your hair,"
you mean leave, like leave-leave? Tonight?
Daddy! Brad! The fourth graders are here.
They're picking on Dylan again.
That's it.
Those little ****heads are dead.
Where are they?
DUSTY: Those are the fourth graders?
- They're girls.
- Uh-huh. They're so mean.
Why are you even here at
the Daddy-Daughter Dance?
Are you a daughter? Are you a girl?
Are you too scared to take me on
without your little friends?
- Oh, no, he's calling out the big one.
- Oh-oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
Come on!
Dylan!
- (ALL GASP)
- Yes!
- Dylan, what are you doing?
- Did you see? Did you see?
I punched her in the face,
just like you taught me.
- What?
- And then I kicked her right in the nuts.
You like that, *****? Huh?
- No, no, no!
- You want some more, *****?
Sweetheart, what happened?
What's going on here?
He punched me in the face.
Then he kicked me in the swimsuit area.
Then he called me the "B" word.
Who did, him?
He did. I saw it.
He said they taught him to hit girls.
No, no. We thought
your daughter was a boy.
- What?
- No, what he means is that
Dylan told us that a fourth grader
was picking on him,
but he didn't tell us it was a girl.
Yeah, and if you had, we'd have told you
it's never okay to hit a girl.
And that she's probably only bugging you
because she likes you, buddy.
I do not like him.
Oh, I think she likes him.
Ah, gross, whatever.
She totally does.
Are you calling my daughter a whore?
- What?
- They were implying it, Jerry.
Wait. That's quite a stretch.
Mrs. Troy, please. I got this.
Wait, first of all, which one
of you two is the kid's dad?
They both are.
(GASPS)
Oh, my gosh. Wow!
I'm sorry. That's the first time
he's ever referred to me as Dad.
It's something I've wanted to hear
for a long time, so it's a bit poignant.
I tend to cry a lot
when things get emotional.
They tease me all the time.
- I'm actually the stepdad.
- Oh, is that right?
So you're the real dad, huh!
Hey. You don't want to
embarrass yourself, buddy.
You threatening me now, tough guy?
- He's threatening you, Jerry.
- Nobody's threatening anybody.
But you're gonna want to
back that up, Jerry.
And you, Squidward tie.
Quit being an instigator,
or I'm gonna have to rap you in the mouth.
(YELPS)
Hey, hey, hey. Everyone just calm down.
We're at the Daddy-Daughter Dance.
You stay out of it, all right?
You don't count!
I want to talk to the real dad here.
Hey, Brad here is more of
a real dad than any of us.
You ever want to see how you should be
raising your kids, go look at this guy.
Here I go again. What did I tell you?
- Really? You mean that?
- Yes, I do, Brad.
You're a great dad.
(ALL GASPING)
- Like that?
- You shouldn't have done that.
Yeah? Why?
I'm pretty sure he kills people for a job.
He's been rather vague with me,
but that's what I'm kind of surmising.
- Are we gonna do this?
- DUSTY: Oh, we're gonna do it.
- Okay. You ready?
- DUSTY: Yeah, I'm ready.
- This is what you get.
- MEGAN: Daddy.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Want another one? Come on in.
What's going on?
Is this like some UFC ****?
DUSTY: Come on, Brad.
That's right. It's a dance, Jerry.
Yeah. So dance, Jerry!
Yeah! You just got served, Jerry!
You just got a piping hot serving.
I'm not getting served.
You're getting served!
You don't know this about me, Jerry,
but I like to move my body.
Get it, Brad!
(ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
Yeah! Yeah, Brad!
This is a dance! Let's go!
(ALL CHEERING)
(LAUGHING)
Am I the only one with my shirt off?
You know you can't leave, right?
You want me to stay?
These guys are growing up so fast.
You don't want to miss it.
You're sweating profusely.
- I know. I sweat a lot.
- That's cool.
Thank you.
BRAD: So Dusty did stay.
And with the huge amount of money
he was making as the voice of The Panda,
he built his own new castle
right down the street.
Hey!
But we kept Tumor because he didn't
get along with Dusty's new puppy.
(WHIMPERING)
It turns out Tumor was only five...
- (TUMOR GROWLING)
- ...so we're going to have him
for a long, long time.
- BRAD: Tumor!
- (DOORBELL RINGING)
And I was more than a little surprised
when Dusty showed up one day
with his new wife
and his new stepdaughter.
This is my stepdaughter, Adriana.
- Hey, Adriana. I'm Brad.
- Want to go play?
That's your brother and sister.
You guys play nice, okay?
Hey, hon. Who's at the door?
Oh, hey, Sara. This is my wife, Karen.
Oh, is it... Your wife?
SARA: That Karen, wow, she is so great.
It turns out she's
a doctor and a celebrated
novelist. I mean...
Hon, would you...
- Come here, Griff. Come here, Griff. Oh!
- KAREN: He's so cute.
SARA: And I was so surprised when
I found out that we're the same age.
I mean, she looks so young, right?
Good for her!
Honey, you look amazing tonight.
(LAUGHS) What are you talking about?
It's just my normal clothes.
That's how I look.
I just got ready really fast.
Hey, Griff. Hey, little Griffy.
You want to come to Daddy?
What, you think I'm going to
pick his pockets or something?
- BRAD: No.
- He doesn't carry a wallet.
Oh, sweetie, be careful
with that knife, okay?
You're not my dad.
DUSTY: Brad was right.
Being a stepdad isn't always easy.
But he was also right that it's worth it.
And he was right about the Ford Flex, too.
It's a great family car.
Got plenty of room for the kids,
gear, and plenty of pickup for me.
I got the Weekender package.
A few more bells and whistles than Brad's,
but Brad doesn't need to know that.
(MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING)
(GASPS) Daddy!
Sweetie, I've been waiting for you to...
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
I heard a gulp.
DUSTY: (STAMMERS)
Well, a little bit, maybe.
- BRAD: Sure.
- There you are.
BRAD: He's a lot bigger than you.
He's got legs for arms.
Little star, guess what?
I like him. I like him a lot.
Yeah. I bet you he's
going to like us, too.
- BRAD: Remember, Loving Fence.
- DUSTY: Yeah.
BRAD: Just go say hi.
Yeah, look, I got this, buddy. Watch.
Hey. You must be Roger.
Nope.
(TUNING RADIO)
DUSTY: (SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
JASON SINCLAIR: Caught Kenny G.
At the United Center this weekend.
Man, can that guy put on a show.
20,000 people on their feet
for the entire four hours.
You're listening to Jason Sinclair.
This is The Panda.
(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING)
(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING)
(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING)
(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING)
(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING)
(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING)Spring Shamrock
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Gift received at 09-09-2014, 08:00 AM from painchri589
    Wow @.@ - they are targeting the content rather than the comments, really?? Holy guacamole.

    I found this article that explains what's happening : http://gizmodo.com/youtubes-restrict...ent-1793382337 :

    The video [shown in article] is among those that is hidden in restricted mode, and Gizmodo verified that other channels had LGBT-related videos that disappeared on restricted mode. Other restricted videos include a video of a lesbian couple reading each other their wedding vows.

    Ellis told Gizmodo that while she doesn’t know why this is happening, it’s troubling regardless, because it implies “there is a bias somewhere within that process equating LGBTQ+ with ‘not family friendly.’” Regardless of “how innocent or unintentional the ‘hows’ or ‘whys’ are, the effects cannot be ignored,” she added.

    According to Rowan Ellis, the fact that innocuous LGBT videos are being hidden is troubling, because it implies there’s something inherently offensive about being LGBT. “Videos about LGBTQ+ life, love, history, friendships etc are no more inappropriate than videos with straight couples or telling the history of straight figures,” she told Gizmodo. “Yet they are apparently being treated differently.

    And :

    While the [google] spokesperson noted that the feature is fully optional, the feature’s own help page warns that “Computers in libraries, universities, and other public institutions may have Restricted Mode enabled by the system administrator.” That could pose a problem for kids whose main access to the internet is through computers at school.

    *headdesk*
    Last edited by amanda1983; 03-19-2017 at 06:45 PM.

  5. #5
    Jester. Trickster. Fiend. DarkDesertFox's Avatar
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Gift received at 09-10-2014, 06:15 PM from Sholee
    So? Maybe parents don't want their kids to be exposed to that kind of thing. Just keep it off if it bugs you.
    Signature and animation made by me.

  6. #6
    That's no Moon! FreeHelium's Avatar
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Gift received at 12-21-2016, 03:03 PM from Flare
Message: [dog barks]

  
[ Gwen Stefani featuring Eve:
Rich Girl]

  
She's on her way.

  
[woman] Good morning, Viv.

  
Hello, Willow. Lovely to see you.

  
- [woman] Here she comes!
- [man] Is that the new Louis Vuitton?

  
[man 2] I might've known
she'd be the first.

  
[woman 2] Fabulous bag. She's so chic.

  
Sorry I'm late.
We had to do a little shopping.

  
Now that's the way to travel.
I'm so jealous.

  
Faboo!

  
Louis Vuitton never looked so good.

  
Mmm. Tell me the stones
in that collar are not real.

  
Aren't they gorgeous?
Viv said I had to have it.

  
[dogs barking]

  
- Sorry keep you waiting.
- Armand, it's fine.

  
A brush and a seaweed wrap,
but I need her by noon.

  
- We're having lunch with my niece.
- She'll be ready.

  
I know, sweetheart. I'm going to miss
you, too. You take good care of her.

  
- No waxing, OK?
- OK, no waxing for her.

  
I hope she gives me a red bow.
I want to look my best today.

  
- Bimini has a date with Scooter.
- Nice pedigree.

  
Please! The dog chases parked cars.

  
- He's crazier than a Labradoodle.
- I give it a week, tops.

  
- Hey! Talk to the paw.
- [Chloe] Good for you, Bimini.

  
It's not easy to find a mate with
papers. Let alone one you could love.

  
Me, I'd be happy with
one who's not... fixed.

  
[chuckles]

  
- [whistles]
- [Chloe laughs]

  
Down, boy.

  
[ Kylie Minogue:
Wow]

  
[woman] All right, what's next?

  
- What do you think?
- Please. She wears Harry Winston.

  
Viv?

  
Fabulous. I'll take two.
You should see Chloe.

  
I'll need at least two days at corporate
in New York to meet with buyers.

  
- You have a little beret?
- Perfection.

  
[speaks Italian]

  
Who needs sleep? It's Italy.

  
Preppy little beauty.

  
- This just came in.
- She's allergic to wool. No.

  
- Love that.
- [Viv] Oh! Fabulous!

  
- Viv.
- I love it. And do you love it?

  
You may have it.
I'll get you anything you want.

  
Yes, I will. No, not you, Patrick.

  
Hello, Jackie O.

  
- Love the smell of dirt in the morning.
- Sam, the garden looks gorgeous.

  
And I love the new designs
for the waterfall that you did.

  
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

  
For everything. For giving me
a chance to prove myself.

  
Oh, good job, Papi. Very symmetrical.

  
[Sam speaks Spanish]

  
Ciao. Ciao, Papi.

  
Yes, yes. We did it, Papi.
Yes. Yes!

  
Go on, take a break, Papi.
You're doing great, buddy.

  
Hello, beautiful.

  
You're blocking my sun.

  
 Mi corazón, you shine
much brighter than the sun

  
 Why won't you be my one 

  
- What's that smell?
- Which one?

  
The sweat of my labor
or the mint patch I rolled in for you?

  
- Neither.
- Then it must be the fertilizer.

  
Gross! You're covered in it.

  
Of course. I am a landscaper.

  
Grasshopper, mi corazón?

  
I caught it myself. Very tasty.

  
Papi, that's so... disgusting.

  
I see you're tempted. I'll leave it here
in case you change your mind.

  
- [doorbell rings]
- Excuse me. We have guests.

  
Guests? You got guests... OK.

  
You want to go have a drink later?
There's a great puddle by the garage.

  
OK, never mind.

  
Aunt Viv! I'm here!

  
[Chloe] An hour late, as usual.

  
- Aunt Viv, hello!
- [barking]

  
How do you keep a job?
Oh, that's right, you don't.

  
Where's Aunt Viv?
Where's Aunt Viv? Chloe, go find her.

  
- Go on. Go find her.
- Who am I, Lassie?

  
You're so completely useless.

  
Of course I understand.

  
[Viv] It's just that I'm headed to
Europe to promote my new cosmetic line.

  
No, this is wonderful news.
It's the best news.

  
Yes, yes. OK. Wonderful. Bye.

  
- Is everything OK, Aunt Viv?
- I don't know what I'm going to do.

  
I am getting on a plane at 4:00,
and I gave the staff the week off...

  
and Chloe's dog nanny just
had her baby three weeks early.

  
- You're not taking Chloe with you?
- No, no.

  
Obviously if it was a vacation,
of course, but this is a business trip.

  
Four cities in ten days.

  
She's much too delicate for that kind
of travel. Plus she hates Berlin.

  
- What about a kennel?
- [Chloe] Kennel?

  
No.

  
No, no. I could never leave her
in the hands of strangers.

  
Never in a million years.

  
But you're not a stranger.

  
- What?
- What?

  
Here is Chloe's schedule.
Try to stay to it as much as possible.

  
I could skip the dog park on Wednesday

  
because Chloe's friend, Stella,
came down with fleas.

  
I'm about to entrust you with
my greatest treasure.

  
Take good care.

  
I love you, sweetheart.

  
I love you so much.
Mommy loves you so much.

  
Bye-bye! Have fun, you two!

  
- OK. Bye!
- [doorbell rings]

  
Playdate?

  
[ Right Said Fred:
I'm Too Sexy]

  
Here you go. Good luck.

  
[ball squeaking]

  
[dogs barking]

  
Don't worry, Chloe.
Viv will be back before you know it.

  
Rachel doesn't look so bad.

  
You don't know the half of it.

  
[girl] They all look so cute
in their little outfits.

  
You didn't have to dress her.
She's so picky.

  
- You're talking about a Chihuahua.
- She's not any Chihuahua, Angela.

  
She's a bossy, arrogant, manipulative,
Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

  
She has no direction. She can't keep
a job. She's never on time.

  
I'm going to be late to my appointments.

  
Don't get me started on her schedule.

  
Shiatsu massages, doggy birthday
parties, couture fittings.

  
I have to change
her outfit four times a day.

  
I mean, look at her.

  
[both] She's so...

  
...irresponsible.
...spoiled.

  
- Woof.
- [sighs]

  
- I need to cool off.
- Dive in, girl.

  
Whoa!

  
Hi, mami.

  
Oh!

  
Who is that hunk
of Chihuahua over there?

  
- [Bimini] Nice.
- Mi corazón!

  
The gardener.

  
You are more lovely...

  
- than the dawn.
- Wow.

  
Mi corazón!

  
You are more lovely...
than the dawn!

  
So embarrassing. Maybe he'll go away.

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
I only...

  
Excuse me while I bravely defend
your garden against that dangerous bird.

  
Hey, bird!

  
That is one hot dog.

  
Excuse me.
Coming through. Nice legs.

  
Mud all over me.

  
Hey, hey! Excuse me!

  
Excuse me! Excuse me, señor?
Gardener guy?

  
Your dog is muy bad.
Muy, muy, muy bad. Mucho naughty.

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
Can you get... your...

  
...doggie-o out of here?

  
Perdóname, por favor,
but my heart must speak.

  
I only wish to say...

  
that if you ever need someone
to lick inside your ears...

  
or chew the hard to reach places...

  
or share your slumber in the sun...

  
I would be most honored
to be that special someone.

  
- Woof.
- Put your tongue back in your mouth.

  
Oh. I don't think so, Papi.

  
You mean, not now.

  
I mean... not ever.

  
I see. Of course. Well...

  
This thing.

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
Papi! [whistles]

  
Duty calls! Please have
a most wonderful day.

  
Cool. Thanks a lot.

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
[barking]

  
Rachel, wake up.
I've got a mani-pedi at 11:00,

  
and you have to make my waffles.

  
- Get up!
- [phone ringing]

  
[crashing]

  
[barking]

  
Aunt Viv's.

  
- Hi, Angela.
- [dog toy squeaks]

  
What?

  
You're a genius.

  
Yes, I can be ready
in 30 minutes. OK, bye!

  
Pack your swimsuit, Chloe.
We're going on a trip.

  
A trip? Ooh, where are we going?

  
[girls] Mexico! Yeah!

  
[ Buster Poindexter:
Hot Hot Hot]

  
I love this town!

  
- Let's check it out.
- Surfer boys, hi!

  
Hi.

  
I love this town!

  
I could totally live here.
Isn't this great?

  
I'm starting to get the feeling
there's no Four Seasons here.

  
Whoo!

  
- Third floor, baby.
- Woo!

  
Hello? Somebody forget something?

  
- I'm walking by myself.
- [Rachel] Chloe!

  
I'm starving.
What's taking them so long?

  
Wait. What time are
we supposed to meet the guys?

  
Right now, at that club.

  
Wait a minute. I forgot
the name of the club.

  
- Cayuca Club!
- Right. Cayuca!

  
Be right back.

  
- Dinner time!
- Finally.

  
You should dance with Bryan, Rache.

  
- I'm gonna dance with him.
- He's cute!

  
You'd better be making me
either prime rib or reservations.

  
There you go.

  
You're joking, right?

  
I am ready to dance all night!

  
There's only one thing this is good for.

  
- Try this on for size.
- Come on, let's go!

  
Chloe!

  
That's a bad dog!
That's a very bad dog!

  
[Chloe whining]

  
Rachel. What did you do to her?

  
Nothing! She's faking! Let's go.

  
- You silly girl.
- She's so cute.

  
- We should take her with us.
- Yes! Take me out for food.

  
- I'm not taking the dog dancing.
- Cayuca!

  
Hey! Wait!

  
Come back here! Oops.

  
Just add that to the bill.

  
[both speak Spanish]

  
Hello?

  
Hola and adiós.

  
You want to dance, Rachel? Let's dance.

  
OK. Guy with a giant knife. Moving on.

  
[people banging drums, playing music]

  
If I wasn't starving,
this might actually be fun.

  
Oh! There you are.

  
You are in so much troub...

  
Put me down! Who are you?

  
Rachel, help me! Somebody, please.
I'm being dognapped!

  
[indistinct Spanish]

  
Rachel!

  
- So... good night.
- Seriously?

  
No kiss?

  
Chloe!

  
Chloe, come out.

  
I'm not kidding. I mean it. Stop hiding.

  
Chloe?
I'm sorry I gave you dog food.

  
Chloe?

  
I'll order you room service
for breakfast in the morning!

  
- Chloe?
- What's up, love bug?

  
Chloe's missing.

  
I don't know where she would go.
She doesn't like to walk anywhere,

  
- let alone run.
- Well...

  
- What?
- Las peleas de perros were in town.

  
Dogfights. They're criminals.
Always on the move.

  
How do I find them?

  
I have heard rumors.

  
Mexico City?

  
Then there's nothing more you can do.

  
You've done everything you can.

  
Why don't you go
put your suit on and join us?

  
I'm going to keep looking for Chloe.

  
And if I can't find her,
I'm going to Mexico City.

  
Rache...

  
[Rachel] Chloe!

  
[dogs barking]

  
Where am I?

  
You're in the dogfights.

  
Dogfights? What?

  
This is outrageous.

  
I was born to shop, not fight.
Unless it's at a sales rack.

  
- Quit whining, princesa.
- Chloe Winthrop Ashe does not whine.

  
[Speaks Spanish]
A delusional Chihuahua.

  
You won't get any sympathy from Delgado,
señorita. He's a gladiator.

  
A gladiator?

  
You know. A fighter.
Delgado is the best of the best.

  
Don't listen to Rafa, chica.
El Diablo's the meanest dog in the fights.

  
Word is they fought once before,
and Delgado did not come out on top.

  
[praying in Spanish]

  
What's he saying?

  
Ay, bendito, he always
prays before a fight.

  
Don't you speak any Spanish,
chica?

  
The name's Chloe, not chica.
And why would I speak Spanish?

  
- Hello! You're a Chihuahua, mi hija!
- So?

  
I'm from Beverly Hills. You know, 90210,
the shopping capital of the world?

  
She's a gringa from California.

  
That's right. The only reason
I'm here is because I was stolen.

  
- You think I volunteered for this?
- [Chloe] But I'm an heiress.

  
- A hairless?
- No, an heiress.

  
- I have a trust fund.
- Look.

  
If you're worth something,
they'll ransom you.

  
And if they ransom you,
they won't fight you.

  
- Guess you have nothing to worry about.
- Well, that's a relief.

  
I am so glad you feel better.
Now can we get a little quiet?

  
I can't wait until Viv finds out
what Rachel's done.

  
 Mi corazón,
I think of you day and night 

  
[sniffing] Hold your tacos.

  
These scents are old.

  
[Sam] Papi? Time to go home!

  
Where is she? Where is my Chloe?

  
Whoa!

  
What's going on?
[barks]

  
Hey, Papi, come on. Let's go.

  
- Hi. Hola.
- Hi.

  
I'm Rachel's friend, and...
you're the gardener, right?

  
- I'm Sam.
- Your garden is muy bonita.

  
And when I get a casa,
I'm so calling you to be my gardener...

  
- because it's...
- Thank you very much.

  
- Where's Rachel?
- Forget her, dude. Where's Chloe?

  
And what are you hiding there?

  
Chloe's lost in Mexico.
Rachel stayed to find her.

  
The love of my life
is out there in trouble?

  
She wants me to e-mail
this to her in Mexico City.

  
So...

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
[ George Thorogood and The Destroyers:
Bad To The Bone]

  
Señoras y señores!

  
You know him, you love him.

  
El campeón, El Diablo!

  
Oh. It's about time someone's
upgrading my accommodations.

  
And now, the challenger.

  
Weighing in at a whopping six pounds.

  
I give you Chi-Chihuahua!

  
Hey!

  
[laughter]

  
Thank you.

  
Thank you. You're too kind, really.

  
This is so much nicer
than that stinky corral.

  
Oh! I'm sorry.
I thought I was alone.

  
- Mister...
- They call me El Diablo.

  
It's certainly nice to meet you.
Clearly I'm in the wrong place.

  
So perhaps we could
speak to the concierge or someone.

  
Stop talking!

  
You know, I've got a dentist who could
do something about that yellowing.

  
- What?
- I get the idea that teeth...

  
- are important in your line of work.
- You don't like my smile?

  
- [barking]
- Watch it! Say it, don't spray it!

  
- [mumbling] What am I going to do?
- Sounds like he's closing in.

  
Dog that size?
Won't be much left of her.

  
[mumbling] Gringa, gringa.

  
She's adiós. She's bye-bye.

  
Poor little hairless.

  
[praying in Spanish]

  
OK, that's it.

  
Delgado? What are you doing?

  
Huh?

  
- What's going on?
- Where are you going?

  
- How do you do that?
- Bro, give me the combination!

  
- Yeah, save us!
- Save us, Delgado!

  
- Don't leave us!
- Come back!

  
This is highly inappropriate.
Hey, hey, hey! That's cashmere!

  
Ow!

  
- Vámonos!
- Hasta la bye-bye!

  
Let go before it... rips.

  
I know it's rude to leave early,
but I really must be going now.

  
The show's over for you, chica.

  
You know, "dog eat dog" is
just an expression!

  
- Not this time, Diablo!
- Delgado!

  
- Move it!
- OK.

  
You'll pay for this, Delgado!
I'll find you!

  
[indistinct chattering]

  
Wait, wait!
Slow down, you guys! Slow down!

  
- What's wrong?
- I told you, it wasn't my fault!

  
Where'd the dogs go? Go, go!

  
[Vasquez] I want that Chihuahua!

  
[barking]

  
[indistinct Spanish]

  
- [Chloe] English, please!
- [Delgado] Move it! Let's go!

  
- This way! This way!
- OK.

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
[panting]

  
- My bootie!
- Your what?

  
- My bootie!
- Forget it!

  
- Forget it?
- Forget it!

  
- The Chihuahua!
- That's Italian leather, mister!

  
[Chloe] Look out!

  
Go! Go!

  
One at a time!

  
[Chloe] Hey! Wait a minute!
You won't fit!

  
I got it!

  
Oh, no. I lost another bootie.

  
I am sure I locked those cages, sir.

  
I want that Chihuahua!

  
Why?

  
She's worth something.

  
[Vasquez] Judging by the diamonds
around her neck, it's a lot.

  
Look out.

  
- [upbeat mariachi music]
- [cheering]

  
What is all of this?

  
[Spanish]

  
The Day of the Dead.

  
This is so beautiful.

  
It's what humans do
to honor their ancestors.

  
It keeps them... alive in their hearts.

  
Helps them remember who they are,
where they came from.

  
Wow!

  
- You're my dog!
- Delgado, gracias, bro.

  
- I'm out of here!
- I'll see ya, kid.

  
Wait! Wait... Delgado!

  
[Chloe] "See ya?" That's it?

  
Number one rule of the streets,
princesa. Every dog for himself.

  
Now, get lost.

  
My name is not "Princesa." It's Chloe.

  
And I am lost. And I want to be found.

  
[Spanish]

  
Look, princesa...
I mean... look, kid.

  
I got my own problems.

  
I can't go back to the fights.
I got to get out of town.

  
- How does Beverly Hills sound?
- Too far.

  
Come on! If you could
figure out a way back,

  
you could live with us on our estate.

  
If you haven't noticed,
I'm a little large for a lapdog.

  
But you're the perfect size
for a guard dog.

  
Our old one... Papi, he... ran off.

  
You had a guard dog named Papi?

  
[mumbles in Spanish]

  
- What hotel you staying in?
- You'll do it?

  
Answer the question
before I change my mind!

  
I don't know the name, but believe me,
it was no Carthay Hotel.

  
The Carthay? There's one here.
Would they know you?

  
They should. We're preferred guests.
We have a gold card.

  
Why me? Of all the dogs in Mexico.

  
Why me? All I need,
Chihuahua with booties.

  
This'll be fun! You'll see.

  
Here's the GPS.

  
We're hot.

  
Diablo, you go get me that Chihuahua.

  
Go! Go!

  
[dog howling]

  
- Hold up a second.
- Uh...

  
What's that sound?

  
- Hmm. Hold your breath.
- [Chloe shrieks]

  
- What did you do that for?
- El Diablo's got your scent.

  
Of course he does. It's Chanel No. 5.

  
- Congratulations.
- Now I've lost another bootie...

  
- and I stink.
- I don't smell anything.

  
Are you kidding? I smell like a wet dog.

  
You are a wet dog.

  
[police siren]

  
- Look... señorita...
- Ashe.

  
Ashe. I'm sorry.

  
We're already trying to stop the fights.

  
And we don't have time to look
for every lost dog in Mexico.

  
This is not just any dog.

  
This is my Aunt Viv's dog.
Chloe means everything to her.

  
I'll tell you what.

  
Go back to your hotel, download
that photo you were telling me about

  
and I will see what I can do.

  
- Gracias.
- You're welcome!

  
[Mexican Hat Dance ringtone]

  
- Hi, Aunt Viv.
- Ciao, Rachel.

  
Yes, Capri's fantastic.

  
I was trying the house earlier.
I was worried because nobody was there.

  
Yeah, we went out for Mexican.

  
Could I talk to her just a second?

  
Um... I'll put her on.

  
[imitates barking]

  
Hi, baby! How's my little baby?

  
[continues barking]

  
I miss you, too! I miss you, too!

  
[more barking]

  
OK, here you are,
Your Highness. Carthay Hotel.

  
[sighs] I feel like I'm home already!

  
- Thank you, Delgado. Thank you!
- All in a day's work.

  
But... maybe you should wait out here.

  
- Yeah, whatever.
- I don't mean it like it sounds,

  
but they can be a little particular
about the dogs they let in.

  
Knock yourself out.

  
We'll be eating gourmet food in no time.

  
- Bienvenidos al Hotel Carthay.
- [Chloe] Thank you.

  
Excuse me. Would you be so kind
as to look at my collar?

  
You'll find my owner's
name and number.

  
[barking]

  
Tshh! Get out!

  
Hello! Ew!

  
It touched me!

  
Get this mutt out of here.

  
- Mutt? How dare you!
- [concierge] Edgar!

  
I've been a preferred customer
at this hotel for years!

  
Don't you dare!

  
- I'm sorry.
- You are making a big mistake. Huge.

  
Really! [shrieks]

  
Oh, no.

  
I'm...

  
I'm... hideous.

  
What's taking her so long?

  
Hmm. Figures.

  
What did I expect...
de una princesa?

  
Delgado, it was so humiliating.
You won't believe...

  
Delgado?

  
Delgado.

  
[ Megan McCauley:
Porcelain Doll]

  
[bells jingling]

  
Excuse me. I'm here to see
Detective Ramirez.

  
Detective Ramirez is already with someone,
señorita. Five minutes, please.

  
[door buzzes]

  
Psst. Don't look now,
Hannah Montana, three o'clock.

  
What are you doing here?
I mean, qué are you doing here?

  
Isn't it obvious? To find Chloe.

  
Angela told me everything.

  
Why did you pretend
you couldn't speak English?

  
I didn't. You just assumed.

  
Thought you'd let me go along
and make a fool of myself?

  
Didn't need any help with that.

  
What makes you think
I need help from a gardener?

  
Oh, no, she didn't.

  
It's not that I have a
problem with that word, but,

  
actually, I am a landscaper.

  
And I'm not here for you.

  
I'm here for Vivian,
because she's like family to me.

  
[clears throat]

  
I e-mailed a description
of the dog's collar to all our stations.

  
Chloe's collar. It's worth a fortune.

  
You're welcome.

  
Maybe a picture of the collar
might be even more helpful.

  
Yeah, a lot. Gracias.

  
So what should we do now?

  
We? Nothing.

  
You go back to
your hotel and wait. Please.

  
He's right. There's nothing you can do.

  
What? We're Mexi-can, not Mexi-can't!

  
I'm not going to stop looking.
He only cares about the collar.

  
I need the dog.

  
I'm with her, amigo.
My Chloe's in trouble.

  
Hey! Papi! Hey!

  
- Come on, fool. Let's go!
- Papi, where're you going?

  
[ Tag Team:
Whoomp (There It Is]

  
I cannot believe Chloe's missing this.

  
Sebastian! Thank you.

  
Going to be on the cover
of Purebred Monthly.

  
- Oh.
- Whoo hoo!

  
This party is off the leash!

  
Whoa! Party!

  
So Scooter.

  
- Come here, Birthday Dog.
- No, Whiskey.

  
No, that really isn't necessary.

  
OK. Thank you, thank you.

  
Ooh.

  
Hey, you guys don't think
Chloe's in trouble, do you?

  
Paa-lease. I bet Rachel whisked her
off to some faboo place.

  
If I know Chloe...

  
she's sitting under a palm tree
being waited on by some hunky husky.

  
Oh! Thank you!

  
[groans] I must be starving.

  
- Yeah. That's our churro.
- Sí, our churro.

  
Excuse me, but... I saw it first!

  
- Better back off, muchachos.
- [laughing]

  
Looks like we have
one of those Chihuahua warriors!

  
Now look, I've been dognapped,
lost my favorite cashmere sweater...

  
slept in a box and I'm starting another
in a series of bad hair days.

  
So don't... push me!

  
- Let's get out of here, man.
- Sorry... sorry.

  
That's what I thought. Ha!

  
It's time to pay the piper,
perra pequeña.

  
- Where were we?
- [Delgado] Hang on, kid!

  
[El Diablo] Still trying to be the hero!
I'll smell you out, Delgado.

  
[ Los Pericos:
Caliente]

  
The Aztec Empire's heart
was right here in Chapultepec Park.

  
Once used by the kings
as a royal retreat.

  
[crowd screams]

  
[barking]

  
- Move it! Hurry up!
- I am!

  
- Come on! Two at a time!
- I have four-inch legs.

  
Come on. This way.

  
Not this way.

  
- Where to now?
- Now we're trapped.

  
- Now what?
- I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

  
Why did you abandon me?

  
I've already been abandoned once.

  
You left me, I didn't leave you!

  
I saw you in there
getting pampered, and eating...

  
The closest I came to food
was a used churro.

  
[barking]

  
Come on, let's go.

  
- Where are we going?
- I'm taking you to Puerto Vallarta.

  
- Somebody there can help us.
- That on the way to Beverly Hills?

  
Over here. Jump in.

  
- Delgado?
- What?

  
Why is El Diablo after me?

  
Vasquez must have sent him.

  
Who's Vasquez?

  
He runs the dog fights and anything
else he can make a quick buck at.

  
The police have been after him
for years, but he's slippery.

  
How do you know all that?

  
Were you a criminal or something?

  
Or something. Get some sleep.

  
It's a long ride
and tomorrow's a big day.

  
What did El Diablo mean by,
"Still trying to be the hero?"

  
[sighs]

  
Never mind.

  
[truck engine starts]

  
[mariachi music playing]

  
[sniffing] What the...
What's this? That's Chloe's bootie!

  
Hey, lady!

  
What? What is it?
Chloe's bootie. Good job.

  
She is near. I can feel it.

  
Hey, wait for me!

  
[Spanish]

  
[Sam] He said...

  
he saw a white Chihuahua
with a bunch of dogs run through here.

  
She was being carried
by a German Shepherd...

  
- German Shepherd carried my Chloe?
- Let's go!

  
I'm going to kick some tail. Papi style!

  
- [phone ringing]
- Yes?

  
[Rafferty] Someone else
is looking for that dog.

  
There is a lot of money riding on
this Chihuahua, do you understand?

  
They cannot find her before we do.

  
- I'm on it.
- Good.

  
Come on, baby.

  
Come on, Diablo.

  
[ The Cat Empire:
Hello]

  
OK, this is us. We're here.
Shake your last bootie and let's go.

  
- [Chloe] What's your plan?
- [Delgado] OK, here's the deal.

  
Plant your paws here, keep your muzzle
shut, and wait for me to come back.

  
But... where are you going?
Delgado?

  
You're very withholding, you know that?

  
I guess this is my day at the spa.

  
Ahh.

  
Much better.

  
There she is.
Now, you remember the con, right?

  
I don't really have to eat you, do I?

  
Only swallow my legs.
OK, here we go. Easy on the teeth.

  
- Act scary.
- OK.

  
Help! Help, please help me!

  
- Help me, somebody! Help!
- You're choking me.

  
Keep your tongue to yourself.

  
Help me! Somebody, please!

  
This is just like Animal Planet.
What do I do?

  
Something! Anything! Help!

  
Shoo, lizard. Shoo, shoo.
Regurgitate that rat!

  
Ew.

  
Oh, my gosh. Are you all right? Hello?

  
Are you an angel? Am I dead?

  
No. And I'm not an angel.

  
And yet you're wearing a halo.

  
This? This is my collar
from Harry Winston.

  
- Is that in heaven?
- [Chloe] Well...

  
Sort of. Beverly Hills.

  
Ahh.

  
Beverly Hills.
You're a long way from home.

  
Perhaps I can be of assistance.
I am Manuel.

  
I work on a luxury cruise ship
as a porter...

  
tending to the discriminating needs
of refined, upscale dogs like yourself.

  
Really? Do you think you
could help me get home?

  
Well, you saved my life.
It's the very least I can do.

  
[chuckles]

  
[indistinct Spanish]
[barking]

  
Delgado?

  
Delgado?

  
- Hey, Tomas.
- It's really you, cuz?

  
What happened? Where you been?
Nobody's seen you since...

  
You know, a while.

  
Look... I'm doing this
little security gig.

  
I'm taking a rich Chihuahua
back to Beverly Hills.

  
She's got a tag
on her collar.

  
So take her to a rescue shelter.

  
- They'll read it and call the owner.
- Not that simple.

  
Vasquez is looking for her,
he's got informants everywhere.

  
He's even got El Diablo after her.

  
El Diablo. That's why you're doing it?

  
That delincuente is behind me.

  
It's just a job. Can you get
Officer Mendez to call her tag?

  
Yeah, OK. Bring it to me.

  
- I'll see what I can do.
- Gracias.

  
Come on, let's go.
I found someone to read your tag.

  
- Really? So did I.
- Where's your collar?

  
You're not the only one
who can get things done.

  
- What?
- I gave my collar to Manuel...

  
He is taking it to
the ship's captain to read.

  
Manuel? Who's Manuel?

  
The kindly pack rat
who's helping me out.

  
I saved him from
being eaten by an iguana.

  
An iguana? An iguana!

  
That is the oldest con in the book!
Iguanas are vegetarians!

  
I'm sorry. I don't meet
many iguanas on Rodeo Drive.

  
Without your ID tag...

  
there's nothing to separate you
from any collarless stray on the street!

  
But... Well...

  
Manuel promised me
he'd be right back from the ship.

  
What ship? That ship?

  
What happened to the
"don't talk to strangers"?

  
You said nothing about iguanas.

  
[Spanish]

  
[Manuel] then I said, "Are you an
angel?" American dogs are so gullible.

  
[laughs] Chico, who is the
greatest con man in Mexico?

  
You are. And now,
can we steal some lunch? I'm hungry.

  
- Where did you get that?
- Please don't eat me, man!

  
I got a wife and 300 kids to feed.

  
- Eat him first!
- Where is the Chihuahua?

  
Chihuahua? I don't know any Chihuahua.
I'm from the Yucatán.

  
Of course if you'd like to meet one,
I could arrange it for the right price.

  
You're about to be lunch.

  
That's the right price.
How'd you know?

  
Do something, Manuel.

  
You're trying my patience,
chaparrito.

  
Stop trying his patience.

  
- Where is she?
- By the fountain, near the docks.

  
I didn't know she was a friend of yours.
I was just borrowing it.

  
Please don't hurt me.

  
[short growl]

  
Hmm. Hmm.

  
[Manuel] Ha! That's dog's lucky
I didn't cha-cha on his chest.

  
You know, Manuel, I don't think
that dog was a friend of hers.

  
It's not our problem, Chico.

  
Come on, let's go raid a piñata.
I feel like feeding my sweet tooth.

  
Leave me out of this, Manuel.
Where there's a piñata, there's a stick.

  
- Uh, Delgado?
- Yeah?

  
What are we doing here?

  
- This is where we meet the coyote.
- A coyote?

  
A smuggler. They sneak collarless dogs
like us across the border.

  
You used to be a police dog, didn't you?

  
That's how you know Sergeant Tomas.
That's how you can do all those things.

  
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Did you quit? Did you get fired?

  
Did you do something wrong?

  
Yes, I did something wrong, OK?
You satisfied?

  
Now, just drop it.

  
OK. OK.

  
There he is. We're on. Follow me.

  
- And no more questions.
- OK. OK.

  
- But what was it? Was someone hurt?
- [Delgado] Drop it! Just drop it!

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
You're driving me crazy.

  
You're not exactly the most charming
traveling companion either.

  
- Good, because we're parting ways.
- What?

  
Wait, wait! What are you doing?

  
This train will take you to Tijuana.

  
- But...
- But nothing.

  
The coyote will take you
over the border.

  
- Buenos Días.
- Wha...

  
Make yourself at home. [laughs]

  
Best of luck.

  
But... you promised.

  
Delgado...

  
[sighs]

  
Don't turn around. Don't turn around.

  
Don't... What am I doing?

  
- Delgado!
- Chloe!

  
- Delgado!
- Chloe!

  
Come on. Jump!

  
It's a fast train!

  
You can do it! Jump!

  
That hurt.

  
OK, good.

  
- I could use a little help.
- I'll pull you up.

  
[Chloe shrieks]

  
- Don't help. Don't help.
- [shrieks]

  
[heavy breathing]

  
[sighs]

  
What can I say? A promise is a promise.

  
Sure thing, Delgado.

  
[Rachel] Sam! How do you say
"lost" in Spanish?

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
[sniffs]

  
Chloe.

  
Wait, he's got something.

  
Papi! Papi!

  
You! That scent.
Where did you get that scent?

  
Maybe you haven't noticed,

  
but I'm currently napping
in a sewage pipe.

  
You mean the moldy taco?

  
No, fool. The perfume. It's Chloe's.

  
She's an American Chihuahua.

  
Her ears are as pink as seashells...

  
and her nose is like a raspberry.

  
- You serious, bro?
- Eh? A berry?

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
Is she kind of uppity?
Wears matching clothes?

  
- You know her? Where is she?
- Last we saw her...

  
- she was with Delgado on the run.
- Yeah.

  
- Mm-hm.
- Delgado? Who is this Delgado?

  
I want to hear more. Come with me.

  
Looks like he found a couple of friends.

  
Just what we need, stray dogs.

  
Papi was a stray dog.
I saved him from the pound.

  
Hey, buddy.

  
He inspires me every day.
What inspires you, Rachel?

  
Get back to you on that.

  
- [whimpers]
- Hey.

  
Look at that. How you doing? Hello.

  
I guess he is kind of cute.
We could take them with us,

  
but you have to give them a bath,
they stink.

  
I can handle that.

  
- You stink! Oh!
- You just need a bath.

  
Oh, I love this!

  
I think I'm in love
with the gringa.

  
[ Los Lonely Boys:
Heaven]

  
- I think he likes it.
- I think he likes you.

  
Where you going? Wait for me!

  
- [splashing]
- [screaming]

  
Oh, yeah. Mira, I'm clean.
I'm clean. I never knew clean.

  
I know clean now.

  
I have never had
my teeth brushed before.

  
It's... minty.

  
[chuckles] It's weird.

  
Papi, this is great!

  
- We should call room service.
- Let's order a movie.

  
Have we found a home, Papi?

  
I don't know, but they'll make sure
you're safe.

  
Sam did it for me.

  
See you tomorrow.

  
- Come on.
- No, they can stay with me.

  
I take responsibility.

  
[Sam] Cool.

  
Papi, what do you see, compa?

  
It's a big place, my little friend.

  
I may be small, but I am fighting...

  
for something... bigger than all of it.

  
Mi Corazón.

  
[ Enrique Iglesias:
Hero]

  
Excuse me. Where are you from?

  
- I'm from Beverly Hills.
- [puppy] Where is that?

  
Well... it feels like
a long way from here.

  
Señorita, what is that?

  
It's a bootie. I lost the others.

  
All the dogs in Beverly Hills
wear them to protect their feet.

  
It must be very dirty there.

  
[chuckles] No. Actually, it's probably
the cleanest place I know.

  
Then that's pretty silly
to wear a bootie.

  
Pedro, be polite.

  
You know something, Pedro?

  
You're right.

  
[yawns]

  
[train horn blows]

  
[barking]

  
- [knocking on door]
- [Sam] Rachel.

  
Rachel.

  
Come on, Sleeping Beauty, let's go.

  
[Sam] Detective Ramirez called.

  
A white Chihuahua and a German
Shepherd were seen in Puerto Vallarta.

  
They're not sure if it was her,
she wasn't wearing her collar.

  
What? Someone stole Chloe's collar?

  
I'm going to go
all kinds of Mexican on him.

  
Chico, I have this pain
in the pit of my stomach.

  
- Must have been the Pop Rocks.
- Or it could be... guilt.

  
We should have never
stolen that chica's collar.

  
Now she'll never get home.

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
[both screaming]

  
Let's get out of here!

  
[makes donkey-like sounds]

  
[panting]

  
Make a left, make a left.

  
Aisle four, tortillas on the floor.

  
- I feel naked.
- Every man for himself!

  
- My head!
- Go through his legs!

  
This way. Come on!

  
Back the other way!

  
Get off me!

  
Hey, Chico! We're home free!

  
Back up, back up!

  
That's what you get!

  
Hey! He's got my diamonds!

  
- Our diamonds.
- Whatever.

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
[train horn blows]

  
Wake up! The conductor's coming!
Hide! Rápido, hide!

  
[indistinct chatter]

  
What's going on?

  
- Delgado, what's happening?
- We got trouble.

  
Hide behind the crate.
I'll distract him.

  
Don't come out,
no matter what happens.

  
But, Delgado...

  
Don't come out,
no matter what happens.

  
- What are you gonna do?
- Something crazy.

  
- [screaming]
- [crashing]

  
Well, that used to be easier.

  
Just my luck.

  
Delgado!

  
- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, my back.

  
- Did you see that?
- Yes.

  
I just jumped off a train!
By myself! And it was moving.

  
I told you to stay onboard.

  
But we're in this together.
I couldn't leave you here.

  
I've never had a friend like you.

  
You should have stayed, kid.
Look around.

  
You should have stayed.

  
I told the local police
I found the collar on a rat.

  
But they didn't believe me.

  
I went to turn the diamonds in,
and they tried to arrest me.

  
Sorry for the confusion, señor.

  
The rat, he's clever.

  
Oye, this hombre
needs help.

  
I set traps to keep him out,
but he always gets in!

  
Sneaky, sneaky mouse.

  
You know what you need?

  
- [barks]
- A guard dog.

  
- He's a stray.
- Yeah, he's a stray...

  
but he's a really good dog.

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
[Rachel] Thanks for
returning Chloe's collar.

  
Congratulations, amigo.
You have a home.

  
Gracias, Rafa.
It will happen for you, too.

  
Stay brown, brother.

  
Come on.
Ain't nothing to it but to do it.

  
- Adiós
- Adiós, Chucho.

  
Hey, don't chew the furniture.

  
- Good luck finding your dog.
- [Sam] Thank you.

  
I just got off
with the Puerto Vallarta police.

  
There was some dog trouble
on the northbound train this morning.

  
A German Shepherd jumped off.

  
Chloe.

  
- Thank you.
- Call me if you find out anything.

  
- [Rachel] Follow the tracks north.
- [Sam] Through the Sonoran Desert.

  
[Rachel] This will be great.

  
She's getting away with my diamonds.

  
[Chico] I think that that's like...
karma, man.

  
See, you steal it,
and eventually it is stolen from you.

  
And I steal it back.

  
- How you going to do that?
- Quiet!

  
[ War:
Low Rider]

  
[Chloe] So, Bimini says that
she's going out with Scooter...

  
who I happen to know
is completely crazy.

  
[Delgado] Please, make it stop.

  
[Chloe] I can't say that to her.
I have to be supportive, right?

  
Wait a minute. Haven't we
passed this tree before?

  
No, you're mistaken.
We've been walking for hours.

  
- But I tinkled there.
- You what?

  
You tinkled?

  
Can't you tell?

  
Oh, my... You can't smell, can you?

  
[groans]

  
- No.
- What happened?

  
It's OK, you can tell me.

  
I didn't... quit the police force.

  
They let me go because
I could no longer follow a scent.

  
Now we're out here walking in circles.

  
I'm sorry, kid.

  
[distant growling]

  
- What's that?
- Mountain lions!

  
- I'm scared, Delgado.
- I know.

  
We better get moving.
We got to get out of the open.

  
- OK.
- Let's go. Double time.

  
Delgado, what happened to you?

  
Why can't you smell anything?

  
Well...

  
My partner and I...
we were on a major bust.

  
I was on point.

  
Before I knew it I was blind-sided.
Then it all went bad.

  
While I was down,
my partner got hurt.

  
He was never the same after that.
And neither was I.

  
I should have sensed him coming.

  
Next day I woke up
and couldn't smell a thing.

  
Were you hurt?

  
No. They say it's all in my head.

  
In my head.

  
[growl]

  
They found us!

  
I'll hold them off as long as I can
while you run. Understand?

  
They're just cats.
You could take them.

  
[growl]

  
We need a miracle. Run when I say run!

  
- Come on! Take them!
- [growls]

  
Yeah, you can do it!

  
Don't be afraid!

  
Go, Delgado! Go, Delgado!

  
- Run, kid! Run, now!
- OK, OK.

  
- Run and hide!
- Here. I'm here.

  
This is not hiding.

  
[rumbling]

  
[rumbling stops]

  
[dogs growling]

  
Say hello to my little friends.

  
[barking]

  
- [cats shriek]
- [barking]

  
Whoa! That's some bark you guys got.

  
I am Montezuma!
Come with us if you want to live.

  
Yeah, I want to live.

  
Now I've seen it all.

  
[Chloe] Can you help us get back
to civilization, Montezuma?

  
[Montezuma] Of course.

  
But it is too dangerous
to travel these canyons after dark.

  
You will spend the night here with us.

  
[Chloe] Where are we?

  
You are in Chihuahua.
Birthplace of our mighty breed.

  
I was born in Beverly Hills.

  
Sí, but your ancestors
came from here.

  
The Aztec people left long ago,
but we remain.

  
Wow.

  
[ Luis Oliveira and His Bandodalua Boys:
Chihuahua]

  
Did you hear what he said, Delgado?

  
- I come from a mighty breed.
- Yeah, mighty annoying.

  
You're just mad because
we were saved by little dogs.

  
Very little dogs.

  
Tonight we celebrate your arrival.

  
Thank you, Montezuma.

  
Please, call me Monte.

  
- [Chloe sighs]
- [Delgado] Ay yi yi.

  
[barking]

  
[Chloe] Wow! All this for me, Monte?

  
[Monte] Yes, Chloe.

  
When a Chihuahua comes home,
it is cause for celebration.

  
[Chloe] Even a Beverly Hills Chihuahua?

  
[Monte] Of course. No matter where
you come from, you are one of us.

  
Tiny but mighty.

  
Mighty? But I'm just... a lapdog.

  
A lapdog? No.

  
Do not insult yourself. Do not insult
the Chihuahua race.

  
- [all] No más.
- [Chloe] No más?

  
Sí, it means "no more."

  
We Chihuahuas are not toys
or fashion accessories.

  
[all] No más.

  
We were not bred to wear silly hats
and ride in purses!

  
[all] No más.

  
We will no longer
be spoken to with baby talk.

  
We have been called "teacup"
and "tiny toy" for too long.

  
[puppy] No más!

  
Names like Fifi, Foo-Foo...

  
Pookie, Pumpkin, or Squirt.

  
[all] No más!

  
Yes, we Chihuahuas shake, but not for
the amusement of humans.

  
We shake because we know the power
of our inner strength. Our bark.

  
[all] No más!

  
Yes, we are tiny, but we are mighty!

  
[all] No más! No más! No más!

  
Join with us, Chloe.
Embrace no más. Find your bark.

  
My bark?

  
Sí! That which makes you mighty.

  
That which makes you... you.

  
We are Chihuahuas, hear us roar.

  
[all barking]

  
- [bark]
- [Chloe squeaks]

  
- [bark]
- [squeak]

  
[squeak]

  
That was embarrassing.

  
Don't worry, little one. Your bark will
come when you need it most.

  
[all barking]

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
Last one in the house is a chew toy!

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
They have room.

  
[Manuel] Come on. Little more.

  
- You got it now. Now pull.
- [Chico] I got it, I got it.

  
- Sweet smell of success.
- I'm smelling something else.

  
There's the bag. There's the bag that's
got my diamonds. Hey, watch your nose!

  
I don't feel right about this.

  
Look, my neck flap is swelling up.

  
Stop with the guilt.
Iguanas are supposed to be cold-blooded.

  
You know I was born in captivity.
I grew up under a heat lamp.

  
Snap out of it. We got a job to do.

  
Ah-hah! You're the pack rat
who stole the collar!

  
See? You're so busted, Manuel.

  
Hey, dude, you got me mixed up with
another rat. You know we all look alike.

  
- No, no. It's him. He did it.
- What?

  
Now the love of my life
is out there in trouble.

  
- Not because of us.
- No?

  
- We were trying to... save her.
- Yeah.

  
From the demon dog that's hunting her.

  
Tell me about this demon dog.

  
[low growl]

  
[bleeping]

  
Chloe, you can always stay here with us.

  
This place is amazing, Monte.

  
But there's someone at home who's
probably worried and missing me...

  
and I miss him.

  
Your corazón?

  
Mi corazón. What does that mean?

  
My heart.

  
I never even gave him a chance.

  
We Chihuahuas come
in many shapes and colors...

  
but when you look not with your eyes,
but with your soul,

  
there we're all the same.

  
Listen... back there with the lions...

  
...uh... uh... thanks.

  
But of course. We are Chihuahuas.

  
Ah! Civilization at last.
We made it, Delgado.

  
- Delgado!
- Just keep paddling!

  
[Chloe] Whoa!
[screams]

  
- That was fun!
- Yeah, you're a real aquatic goddess.

  
- Delgado, look!
- What?

  
Is that you? Nice toga.

  
I can't believe Rachel's looking for me.

  
Let's get some help.

  
[both barking]

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
- Chloe.
- Sí.

  
[both speak Spanish]

  
We always kept a dog
when my husband was alive.

  
He'd make a great companion.
You guys are perfect for each other.

  
Somebody's got a lady friend.

  
I have a home.

  
We're on our way. Hey, Rachel,
that was Ramirez. They found Chloe.

  
[screams]

  
Whoa. Awkward.

  
We should go.
Ramirez is going to meet us there.

  
I told you,
everything's going to be fine.

  
[ The Pinker Tones:
Whistling Song]

  
[Rachel] This is the place.

  
Chloe!

  
Hello?

  
OK, how about here?
You American dogs are so picky.

  
OK, go. What?

  
Ah. Excuse me, señorita.
Please, please, go.

  
I've seen that gringo before.

  
[sniffs]

  
Oye, that van.
My Chloe's been there.

  
Right on, Mighty Dog. Power to the Papi.

  
- Now go get her!
- [Chico] Go get your princesa.

  
- ¡Mi corazón!
- [Chico] So romantic.

  
Man, I thought we'd
never get rid of him.

  
- Come on.
- Now I'll finally get my diamonds.

  
[Chico] For the love of a banana,
hurry. Ow!

  
Señora?

  
Oh, no. No!

  
[shouts in Spanish]

  
Chloe!

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
- [Delgado] Turn me loose!
- What did he say?

  
- Don't worry, we're going to find her.
- What?

  
Oh!

  
I'm going to look for her.

  
Kid!

  
[sniffing]

  
Kid! Where are you? Chloe!

  
[gasping] Where are you taking me?

  
Good job, Diablo. Good job.

  
You've been a lot of trouble, huh?
I hope you're worth it.

  
I need to call the owners,
so get the dog in the van.

  
[man] Yes, sir.

  
Surprise!

  
- [crunch]
- [man screams]

  
Don't mess with a Chihuahua!

  
Papi! What are you doing here!

  
Rescuing you. Run!

  
- Come on.
- I'm coming.

  
Go! Diablo, go!

  
- [Vasquez] Get that Chihuahua!
- [Rafferty] Which one?

  
- The mean one!
- Papi!

  
- We're trapped!
- I will protect you, mi corazón.

  
Hold on, Chloe!

  
Come on, little brat.

  
[screams]

  
[both grunt]

  
[Manuel] Ow!

  
Oh, my back. I need an aspirin.

  
- Doesn't that hurt?
- You see a tooth around?

  
You two! What are you doing here?

  
It's not what you think.

  
Look... we're not trying
to steal this collar.

  
- Right.
- Maybe we are.

  
Look, what my partner's
trying to say is, if you hurry,

  
- you can pick up her scent using this.
- Yeah.

  
- I can't.
- What?

  
I make this noble gesture,
you're not even going to try?

  
What's the point of having that
thing on the end of your face?

  
[sniffs]

  
- I can't!
- She needs you, man.

  
- What part don't you understand?
- She needs you, man!

  
You can do it! Smell.

  
- That's it.
- You can do it, Delgado. Come on.

  
Smell.

  
I'm getting something. Pack rat.

  
Old nachos.

  
Chanel No. 5.

  
He's got it!

  
I have a Chihuahua to save.

  
- He's got my collar!
- Yeah, he's got it.

  
You did a good thing, Manuel.
You know you did a good thing.

  
- [Manuel laughs]
- You're blushing. You're blushing.

  
[men speaking Spanish]

  
[Rachel] That's Chloe's collar.

  
He wants to lead us
to the Chihuahua. Let's go.

  
Be careful.
The whole structure is crumbling.

  
[Vasquez] Rafferty,
there's no sign of the dog.

  
[Papi] Hey, tough guy,
you're lucky I'm locked in.

  
[Vasquez] Rafferty, come in.

  
[Papi] You look confused.

  
Hey, man, where you going?
To find the rest of your tail?

  
[Vasquez] Rafferty, come in.

  
I know you're here, chica.
I can smell you.

  
[Vasquez] Rafferty, come in, come in.

  
- Rafferty.
- Sorry, you're breaking up, boss.

  
[Delgado squeaks]

  
I'm going to get you now, you rat.

  
Hello. One down.

  
Rafferty, what's going on?
Talk to me. What's going on?

  
- Chloe, you're okay.
- Shhh.

  
Come in. I cannot hear you. Come on.

  
[straining]

  
- Who you been hanging around with?
- Diablo, let's get out...

  
- Get them. Get them!
- [Chloe] Run!

  
- Follow me!
- [Papi] We can do it!

  
Whoa, you heard the man.
Come on, get me.

  
[Papi] Too slow, gotta go!

  
- [Chloe shrieks]
- [grunting]

  
Come here. Come here!

  
[Papi] You better watch out, dog.
I'm going to beat you like a piñata!

  
They don't call me
Papi Loco for nothing!

  
Come on, little rat. Come on!

  
- Whoa!
- Papi!

  
Say goodbye to your corazón.

  
No... más. [squeaks]

  
No más. [squeaks]

  
It's over.

  
- Chloe!
- No más!

  
[loud bark]

  
[gasps]

  
Wow! That's my bark.

  
[bark]

  
I barked!

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
I barked!

  
Two down.

  
He's all yours, Officer.

  
[Officer] Señor Vasquez.

  
- Did you see that?
- Wow.

  
I barked!

  
Ai, Mami! Nice set of pipes!

  
- [growling]
- [Chloe] Run!

  
It's time to finish what I started.

  
You don't scare me anymore!

  
Then why are you shaking?

  
Because I am a Chihuahua!

  
[growling] Diablo!

  
Big mistake.

  
Leave him alone!

  
- Chloe, what are you doing?
- [Chloe] You owe me a cashmere sweater.

  
- Hang on, Chloe!
- [Delgado] Kid, hang on.

  
- How dare you!
- [Papi] Chloe, watch out!

  
[Chloe screams]

  
[howling]

  
It's over, Diablo! It is over!

  
You took everything from me.

  
- Now, we're even.
- [gulps]

  
[Papi] Chloe?

  
Mi corazón?

  
[distant growl]

  
Kid?

  
She's... gone.

  
Wake up, mi corazón.

  
It's me. Your Papi.

  
Speak to me.

  
Fill my ears with your beautiful voice.

  
Without you, the sun
will have no warmth...

  
the flowers, no beauty.

  
Chloe, my tail will have no wag.

  
Come back to Beverly Hills with me,
and I will tend your garden forever.

  
Your love is the rain
that falls upon my earth.

  
Don't stop now. It's just getting good.

  
Ai Chihuahua!

  
Papi, that was beautiful.

  
Chloe, you're back. You're back.

  
[Rachel] Chloe?

  
[Papi] She's back!

  
You're OK.

  
Chloe, where have you been?

  
Rachel, you missed all the fun.

  
[Delgado] You are one tough Chihuahua.

  
Tiny but mighty.

  
[Rachel] Hi, Chloe.

  
Hi. Hi.

  
[police siren]

  
[grunts]

  
[Delgado] So you're the... guard dog.

  
No, man. I'm a landscaper.

  
- [laughs] Oops.
- Right.

  
Well, adiós, kid.

  
Oh, uh... Delgado.

  
You know,
Vivian could still use a guard dog.

  
Thanks for the offer,
but someone has to go after El Diablo.

  
Besides, princesa, I think you
can take care of things yourself now.

  
I'll miss you.

  
Yeah, I'll miss you, too, kid.
But this isn't goodbye.

  
I'm sure we'll be
seeing each other again.

  
[sighs]

  
Don't turn around. Don't turn around.

  
Maybe you could use
a little extra help on the force.

  
Where do you think
you are going, officer?

  
Ready to get back on the job?

  
[barks]

  
Officer!

  
[both bark]

  
Yeah. Good boy. Good boy.

  
[Rachel] Chloe! Papi! Let's go home.

  
We gotta get home before Aunt Viv does.

  
Hey, come here.

  
Goodbye, my friends. [speaks Spanish]

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
- Adiós, amigo.
- [Delgado] Adiós, kid.

  
Muchas gracias, Delgado.

  
Thank you, Chloe.
I've never had a friend like you.

  
Great, she's not home yet.
She'll be here any minute.

  
- Can you get the bags?
- Yeah, I'll get the bags.

  
- I'll put her in the tub.
- Go, go, go.

  
Hurry up!

  
Come on. We're going to make it.

  
Oh-oh. Think fast, amigo.

  
Hi! How are you? Welcome.

  
- Welcome. Hi.
- What a surprise. Hello.

  
I took photographs
of the most wonderful gardens.

  
You're not going to believe.
First, I want to go see Chloe.

  
- Actually, I need you to see something.
- That's the best you can do?

  
- Something you're gonna love.
- Should I bite her leg?

  
By the way, you look exhausted.
You've been working too hard.

  
Chloe? Chloe.

  
- Sam, put my bags over there, please?
- Yes.

  
Chloe? Rachel?

  
- Hi, Aunt Viv.
- Hi.

  
- Hi.
- Hi.

  
Your hair is all wet.

  
I was in a bath.

  
- Oh. Where's my Chloe?
- There she is.

  
Hi, sweetheart.

  
Hi. Come here.
Hi, sweetheart.

  
My baby girl. My sweet angel.

  
I missed you so much. I did.

  
Yes, I did.

  
What's that smell? What's that...

  
[Viv] It's sort of... urban and...

  
kind of earthy... and it's fabulous.

  
That's Mexico No. 5.

  
I can't believe I'm running over
a pond in my best dress.

  
So does this mean you're no longer a
prissy Beverly Hills Chihuahua?

  
Beverly Hills, sí. Prissy,
no más.

  
How do you say "What are you doing
on Friday night" in Spanish?

  
[both speak Spanish]

  
Me? Nothing. And you?

  
- Nada.
- Bueno, let's...

  
After the way I treated you,

  
I can't believe you came after me.

  
How could I not?

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
I think I'm... going to cry.

  
[whimpers]

  
Oh, Chloe. [laughs]

  
[chuckles] Papi likes.

  
[Papi] In case
you were wondering, amigos.

  
Delgado received the medal of honor for
capturing his archnemesis, El Diablo.

  
Shortly after entering the pound,

  
El Diablo was adopted by a rich lady
with a passion for fashion.

  
Rafa became the official
spokesdog for Minty Mutt.

  
For that doggy fresh breath
all day long.

  
Bimini, Sebastian, and Delta
landed a dream spot

  
on TV's hottest new reality show,

  
So You Think You Can Prance. Hey!

  
Chico and Manuel
stowed away to Beverly Hills...

  
where they learned
a new English word...

  
..."bling."

  
This was Chloe and
me on our first date.

  
And who knows? Maybe there are
a few taquitos in our future.

  
Let's just say
mi corazón puts the "wow" in...

  
... Chihuahua!

  
[ Ali Dee:
Chihuahua]

  
[ Heitor Pereira:
Llama ("Chloe's Theme")]
    Welcome to the internet, where nothing is perfect.
    Toy Soldier is my spirit toy.
    Currently Watching: Dragon Ball

  7. #7
    kid cat best cat opalskiies's Avatar
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Gift received at 11-07-2016, 01:15 AM from gyroPumpkin Cupcake
Gift received at 10-31-2015, 03:01 PM from SamansuCake
Gift received at 02-01-2014, 12:46 AM from Truffle
Message: :)
    Quote Originally Posted by DarkDesertFox View Post
    So? Maybe parents don't want their kids to be exposed to that kind of thing. Just keep it off if it bugs you.
    parents don't want their kids exposed to normal love? lmao

    - - - Post Merge - - -

    i mean, i get the intense, sexual LGBT videos (Anything sexual should be censored for kids), but like... lesbians reading wedding vows? really? why should kids not see something as simple and sweet as that
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  8. #8
    That's no Moon! FreeHelium's Avatar
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Gift received at 12-21-2016, 03:03 PM from Flare
Message: [dog barks]

  
[ Gwen Stefani featuring Eve:
Rich Girl]

  
She's on her way.

  
[woman] Good morning, Viv.

  
Hello, Willow. Lovely to see you.

  
- [woman] Here she comes!
- [man] Is that the new Louis Vuitton?

  
[man 2] I might've known
she'd be the first.

  
[woman 2] Fabulous bag. She's so chic.

  
Sorry I'm late.
We had to do a little shopping.

  
Now that's the way to travel.
I'm so jealous.

  
Faboo!

  
Louis Vuitton never looked so good.

  
Mmm. Tell me the stones
in that collar are not real.

  
Aren't they gorgeous?
Viv said I had to have it.

  
[dogs barking]

  
- Sorry keep you waiting.
- Armand, it's fine.

  
A brush and a seaweed wrap,
but I need her by noon.

  
- We're having lunch with my niece.
- She'll be ready.

  
I know, sweetheart. I'm going to miss
you, too. You take good care of her.

  
- No waxing, OK?
- OK, no waxing for her.

  
I hope she gives me a red bow.
I want to look my best today.

  
- Bimini has a date with Scooter.
- Nice pedigree.

  
Please! The dog chases parked cars.

  
- He's crazier than a Labradoodle.
- I give it a week, tops.

  
- Hey! Talk to the paw.
- [Chloe] Good for you, Bimini.

  
It's not easy to find a mate with
papers. Let alone one you could love.

  
Me, I'd be happy with
one who's not... fixed.

  
[chuckles]

  
- [whistles]
- [Chloe laughs]

  
Down, boy.

  
[ Kylie Minogue:
Wow]

  
[woman] All right, what's next?

  
- What do you think?
- Please. She wears Harry Winston.

  
Viv?

  
Fabulous. I'll take two.
You should see Chloe.

  
I'll need at least two days at corporate
in New York to meet with buyers.

  
- You have a little beret?
- Perfection.

  
[speaks Italian]

  
Who needs sleep? It's Italy.

  
Preppy little beauty.

  
- This just came in.
- She's allergic to wool. No.

  
- Love that.
- [Viv] Oh! Fabulous!

  
- Viv.
- I love it. And do you love it?

  
You may have it.
I'll get you anything you want.

  
Yes, I will. No, not you, Patrick.

  
Hello, Jackie O.

  
- Love the smell of dirt in the morning.
- Sam, the garden looks gorgeous.

  
And I love the new designs
for the waterfall that you did.

  
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

  
For everything. For giving me
a chance to prove myself.

  
Oh, good job, Papi. Very symmetrical.

  
[Sam speaks Spanish]

  
Ciao. Ciao, Papi.

  
Yes, yes. We did it, Papi.
Yes. Yes!

  
Go on, take a break, Papi.
You're doing great, buddy.

  
Hello, beautiful.

  
You're blocking my sun.

  
 Mi corazón, you shine
much brighter than the sun

  
 Why won't you be my one 

  
- What's that smell?
- Which one?

  
The sweat of my labor
or the mint patch I rolled in for you?

  
- Neither.
- Then it must be the fertilizer.

  
Gross! You're covered in it.

  
Of course. I am a landscaper.

  
Grasshopper, mi corazón?

  
I caught it myself. Very tasty.

  
Papi, that's so... disgusting.

  
I see you're tempted. I'll leave it here
in case you change your mind.

  
- [doorbell rings]
- Excuse me. We have guests.

  
Guests? You got guests... OK.

  
You want to go have a drink later?
There's a great puddle by the garage.

  
OK, never mind.

  
Aunt Viv! I'm here!

  
[Chloe] An hour late, as usual.

  
- Aunt Viv, hello!
- [barking]

  
How do you keep a job?
Oh, that's right, you don't.

  
Where's Aunt Viv?
Where's Aunt Viv? Chloe, go find her.

  
- Go on. Go find her.
- Who am I, Lassie?

  
You're so completely useless.

  
Of course I understand.

  
[Viv] It's just that I'm headed to
Europe to promote my new cosmetic line.

  
No, this is wonderful news.
It's the best news.

  
Yes, yes. OK. Wonderful. Bye.

  
- Is everything OK, Aunt Viv?
- I don't know what I'm going to do.

  
I am getting on a plane at 4:00,
and I gave the staff the week off...

  
and Chloe's dog nanny just
had her baby three weeks early.

  
- You're not taking Chloe with you?
- No, no.

  
Obviously if it was a vacation,
of course, but this is a business trip.

  
Four cities in ten days.

  
She's much too delicate for that kind
of travel. Plus she hates Berlin.

  
- What about a kennel?
- [Chloe] Kennel?

  
No.

  
No, no. I could never leave her
in the hands of strangers.

  
Never in a million years.

  
But you're not a stranger.

  
- What?
- What?

  
Here is Chloe's schedule.
Try to stay to it as much as possible.

  
I could skip the dog park on Wednesday

  
because Chloe's friend, Stella,
came down with fleas.

  
I'm about to entrust you with
my greatest treasure.

  
Take good care.

  
I love you, sweetheart.

  
I love you so much.
Mommy loves you so much.

  
Bye-bye! Have fun, you two!

  
- OK. Bye!
- [doorbell rings]

  
Playdate?

  
[ Right Said Fred:
I'm Too Sexy]

  
Here you go. Good luck.

  
[ball squeaking]

  
[dogs barking]

  
Don't worry, Chloe.
Viv will be back before you know it.

  
Rachel doesn't look so bad.

  
You don't know the half of it.

  
[girl] They all look so cute
in their little outfits.

  
You didn't have to dress her.
She's so picky.

  
- You're talking about a Chihuahua.
- She's not any Chihuahua, Angela.

  
She's a bossy, arrogant, manipulative,
Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

  
She has no direction. She can't keep
a job. She's never on time.

  
I'm going to be late to my appointments.

  
Don't get me started on her schedule.

  
Shiatsu massages, doggy birthday
parties, couture fittings.

  
I have to change
her outfit four times a day.

  
I mean, look at her.

  
[both] She's so...

  
...irresponsible.
...spoiled.

  
- Woof.
- [sighs]

  
- I need to cool off.
- Dive in, girl.

  
Whoa!

  
Hi, mami.

  
Oh!

  
Who is that hunk
of Chihuahua over there?

  
- [Bimini] Nice.
- Mi corazón!

  
The gardener.

  
You are more lovely...

  
- than the dawn.
- Wow.

  
Mi corazón!

  
You are more lovely...
than the dawn!

  
So embarrassing. Maybe he'll go away.

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
I only...

  
Excuse me while I bravely defend
your garden against that dangerous bird.

  
Hey, bird!

  
That is one hot dog.

  
Excuse me.
Coming through. Nice legs.

  
Mud all over me.

  
Hey, hey! Excuse me!

  
Excuse me! Excuse me, señor?
Gardener guy?

  
Your dog is muy bad.
Muy, muy, muy bad. Mucho naughty.

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
Can you get... your...

  
...doggie-o out of here?

  
Perdóname, por favor,
but my heart must speak.

  
I only wish to say...

  
that if you ever need someone
to lick inside your ears...

  
or chew the hard to reach places...

  
or share your slumber in the sun...

  
I would be most honored
to be that special someone.

  
- Woof.
- Put your tongue back in your mouth.

  
Oh. I don't think so, Papi.

  
You mean, not now.

  
I mean... not ever.

  
I see. Of course. Well...

  
This thing.

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
Papi! [whistles]

  
Duty calls! Please have
a most wonderful day.

  
Cool. Thanks a lot.

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
[barking]

  
Rachel, wake up.
I've got a mani-pedi at 11:00,

  
and you have to make my waffles.

  
- Get up!
- [phone ringing]

  
[crashing]

  
[barking]

  
Aunt Viv's.

  
- Hi, Angela.
- [dog toy squeaks]

  
What?

  
You're a genius.

  
Yes, I can be ready
in 30 minutes. OK, bye!

  
Pack your swimsuit, Chloe.
We're going on a trip.

  
A trip? Ooh, where are we going?

  
[girls] Mexico! Yeah!

  
[ Buster Poindexter:
Hot Hot Hot]

  
I love this town!

  
- Let's check it out.
- Surfer boys, hi!

  
Hi.

  
I love this town!

  
I could totally live here.
Isn't this great?

  
I'm starting to get the feeling
there's no Four Seasons here.

  
Whoo!

  
- Third floor, baby.
- Woo!

  
Hello? Somebody forget something?

  
- I'm walking by myself.
- [Rachel] Chloe!

  
I'm starving.
What's taking them so long?

  
Wait. What time are
we supposed to meet the guys?

  
Right now, at that club.

  
Wait a minute. I forgot
the name of the club.

  
- Cayuca Club!
- Right. Cayuca!

  
Be right back.

  
- Dinner time!
- Finally.

  
You should dance with Bryan, Rache.

  
- I'm gonna dance with him.
- He's cute!

  
You'd better be making me
either prime rib or reservations.

  
There you go.

  
You're joking, right?

  
I am ready to dance all night!

  
There's only one thing this is good for.

  
- Try this on for size.
- Come on, let's go!

  
Chloe!

  
That's a bad dog!
That's a very bad dog!

  
[Chloe whining]

  
Rachel. What did you do to her?

  
Nothing! She's faking! Let's go.

  
- You silly girl.
- She's so cute.

  
- We should take her with us.
- Yes! Take me out for food.

  
- I'm not taking the dog dancing.
- Cayuca!

  
Hey! Wait!

  
Come back here! Oops.

  
Just add that to the bill.

  
[both speak Spanish]

  
Hello?

  
Hola and adiós.

  
You want to dance, Rachel? Let's dance.

  
OK. Guy with a giant knife. Moving on.

  
[people banging drums, playing music]

  
If I wasn't starving,
this might actually be fun.

  
Oh! There you are.

  
You are in so much troub...

  
Put me down! Who are you?

  
Rachel, help me! Somebody, please.
I'm being dognapped!

  
[indistinct Spanish]

  
Rachel!

  
- So... good night.
- Seriously?

  
No kiss?

  
Chloe!

  
Chloe, come out.

  
I'm not kidding. I mean it. Stop hiding.

  
Chloe?
I'm sorry I gave you dog food.

  
Chloe?

  
I'll order you room service
for breakfast in the morning!

  
- Chloe?
- What's up, love bug?

  
Chloe's missing.

  
I don't know where she would go.
She doesn't like to walk anywhere,

  
- let alone run.
- Well...

  
- What?
- Las peleas de perros were in town.

  
Dogfights. They're criminals.
Always on the move.

  
How do I find them?

  
I have heard rumors.

  
Mexico City?

  
Then there's nothing more you can do.

  
You've done everything you can.

  
Why don't you go
put your suit on and join us?

  
I'm going to keep looking for Chloe.

  
And if I can't find her,
I'm going to Mexico City.

  
Rache...

  
[Rachel] Chloe!

  
[dogs barking]

  
Where am I?

  
You're in the dogfights.

  
Dogfights? What?

  
This is outrageous.

  
I was born to shop, not fight.
Unless it's at a sales rack.

  
- Quit whining, princesa.
- Chloe Winthrop Ashe does not whine.

  
[Speaks Spanish]
A delusional Chihuahua.

  
You won't get any sympathy from Delgado,
señorita. He's a gladiator.

  
A gladiator?

  
You know. A fighter.
Delgado is the best of the best.

  
Don't listen to Rafa, chica.
El Diablo's the meanest dog in the fights.

  
Word is they fought once before,
and Delgado did not come out on top.

  
[praying in Spanish]

  
What's he saying?

  
Ay, bendito, he always
prays before a fight.

  
Don't you speak any Spanish,
chica?

  
The name's Chloe, not chica.
And why would I speak Spanish?

  
- Hello! You're a Chihuahua, mi hija!
- So?

  
I'm from Beverly Hills. You know, 90210,
the shopping capital of the world?

  
She's a gringa from California.

  
That's right. The only reason
I'm here is because I was stolen.

  
- You think I volunteered for this?
- [Chloe] But I'm an heiress.

  
- A hairless?
- No, an heiress.

  
- I have a trust fund.
- Look.

  
If you're worth something,
they'll ransom you.

  
And if they ransom you,
they won't fight you.

  
- Guess you have nothing to worry about.
- Well, that's a relief.

  
I am so glad you feel better.
Now can we get a little quiet?

  
I can't wait until Viv finds out
what Rachel's done.

  
 Mi corazón,
I think of you day and night 

  
[sniffing] Hold your tacos.

  
These scents are old.

  
[Sam] Papi? Time to go home!

  
Where is she? Where is my Chloe?

  
Whoa!

  
What's going on?
[barks]

  
Hey, Papi, come on. Let's go.

  
- Hi. Hola.
- Hi.

  
I'm Rachel's friend, and...
you're the gardener, right?

  
- I'm Sam.
- Your garden is muy bonita.

  
And when I get a casa,
I'm so calling you to be my gardener...

  
- because it's...
- Thank you very much.

  
- Where's Rachel?
- Forget her, dude. Where's Chloe?

  
And what are you hiding there?

  
Chloe's lost in Mexico.
Rachel stayed to find her.

  
The love of my life
is out there in trouble?

  
She wants me to e-mail
this to her in Mexico City.

  
So...

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
[ George Thorogood and The Destroyers:
Bad To The Bone]

  
Señoras y señores!

  
You know him, you love him.

  
El campeón, El Diablo!

  
Oh. It's about time someone's
upgrading my accommodations.

  
And now, the challenger.

  
Weighing in at a whopping six pounds.

  
I give you Chi-Chihuahua!

  
Hey!

  
[laughter]

  
Thank you.

  
Thank you. You're too kind, really.

  
This is so much nicer
than that stinky corral.

  
Oh! I'm sorry.
I thought I was alone.

  
- Mister...
- They call me El Diablo.

  
It's certainly nice to meet you.
Clearly I'm in the wrong place.

  
So perhaps we could
speak to the concierge or someone.

  
Stop talking!

  
You know, I've got a dentist who could
do something about that yellowing.

  
- What?
- I get the idea that teeth...

  
- are important in your line of work.
- You don't like my smile?

  
- [barking]
- Watch it! Say it, don't spray it!

  
- [mumbling] What am I going to do?
- Sounds like he's closing in.

  
Dog that size?
Won't be much left of her.

  
[mumbling] Gringa, gringa.

  
She's adiós. She's bye-bye.

  
Poor little hairless.

  
[praying in Spanish]

  
OK, that's it.

  
Delgado? What are you doing?

  
Huh?

  
- What's going on?
- Where are you going?

  
- How do you do that?
- Bro, give me the combination!

  
- Yeah, save us!
- Save us, Delgado!

  
- Don't leave us!
- Come back!

  
This is highly inappropriate.
Hey, hey, hey! That's cashmere!

  
Ow!

  
- Vámonos!
- Hasta la bye-bye!

  
Let go before it... rips.

  
I know it's rude to leave early,
but I really must be going now.

  
The show's over for you, chica.

  
You know, "dog eat dog" is
just an expression!

  
- Not this time, Diablo!
- Delgado!

  
- Move it!
- OK.

  
You'll pay for this, Delgado!
I'll find you!

  
[indistinct chattering]

  
Wait, wait!
Slow down, you guys! Slow down!

  
- What's wrong?
- I told you, it wasn't my fault!

  
Where'd the dogs go? Go, go!

  
[Vasquez] I want that Chihuahua!

  
[barking]

  
[indistinct Spanish]

  
- [Chloe] English, please!
- [Delgado] Move it! Let's go!

  
- This way! This way!
- OK.

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
[panting]

  
- My bootie!
- Your what?

  
- My bootie!
- Forget it!

  
- Forget it?
- Forget it!

  
- The Chihuahua!
- That's Italian leather, mister!

  
[Chloe] Look out!

  
Go! Go!

  
One at a time!

  
[Chloe] Hey! Wait a minute!
You won't fit!

  
I got it!

  
Oh, no. I lost another bootie.

  
I am sure I locked those cages, sir.

  
I want that Chihuahua!

  
Why?

  
She's worth something.

  
[Vasquez] Judging by the diamonds
around her neck, it's a lot.

  
Look out.

  
- [upbeat mariachi music]
- [cheering]

  
What is all of this?

  
[Spanish]

  
The Day of the Dead.

  
This is so beautiful.

  
It's what humans do
to honor their ancestors.

  
It keeps them... alive in their hearts.

  
Helps them remember who they are,
where they came from.

  
Wow!

  
- You're my dog!
- Delgado, gracias, bro.

  
- I'm out of here!
- I'll see ya, kid.

  
Wait! Wait... Delgado!

  
[Chloe] "See ya?" That's it?

  
Number one rule of the streets,
princesa. Every dog for himself.

  
Now, get lost.

  
My name is not "Princesa." It's Chloe.

  
And I am lost. And I want to be found.

  
[Spanish]

  
Look, princesa...
I mean... look, kid.

  
I got my own problems.

  
I can't go back to the fights.
I got to get out of town.

  
- How does Beverly Hills sound?
- Too far.

  
Come on! If you could
figure out a way back,

  
you could live with us on our estate.

  
If you haven't noticed,
I'm a little large for a lapdog.

  
But you're the perfect size
for a guard dog.

  
Our old one... Papi, he... ran off.

  
You had a guard dog named Papi?

  
[mumbles in Spanish]

  
- What hotel you staying in?
- You'll do it?

  
Answer the question
before I change my mind!

  
I don't know the name, but believe me,
it was no Carthay Hotel.

  
The Carthay? There's one here.
Would they know you?

  
They should. We're preferred guests.
We have a gold card.

  
Why me? Of all the dogs in Mexico.

  
Why me? All I need,
Chihuahua with booties.

  
This'll be fun! You'll see.

  
Here's the GPS.

  
We're hot.

  
Diablo, you go get me that Chihuahua.

  
Go! Go!

  
[dog howling]

  
- Hold up a second.
- Uh...

  
What's that sound?

  
- Hmm. Hold your breath.
- [Chloe shrieks]

  
- What did you do that for?
- El Diablo's got your scent.

  
Of course he does. It's Chanel No. 5.

  
- Congratulations.
- Now I've lost another bootie...

  
- and I stink.
- I don't smell anything.

  
Are you kidding? I smell like a wet dog.

  
You are a wet dog.

  
[police siren]

  
- Look... señorita...
- Ashe.

  
Ashe. I'm sorry.

  
We're already trying to stop the fights.

  
And we don't have time to look
for every lost dog in Mexico.

  
This is not just any dog.

  
This is my Aunt Viv's dog.
Chloe means everything to her.

  
I'll tell you what.

  
Go back to your hotel, download
that photo you were telling me about

  
and I will see what I can do.

  
- Gracias.
- You're welcome!

  
[Mexican Hat Dance ringtone]

  
- Hi, Aunt Viv.
- Ciao, Rachel.

  
Yes, Capri's fantastic.

  
I was trying the house earlier.
I was worried because nobody was there.

  
Yeah, we went out for Mexican.

  
Could I talk to her just a second?

  
Um... I'll put her on.

  
[imitates barking]

  
Hi, baby! How's my little baby?

  
[continues barking]

  
I miss you, too! I miss you, too!

  
[more barking]

  
OK, here you are,
Your Highness. Carthay Hotel.

  
[sighs] I feel like I'm home already!

  
- Thank you, Delgado. Thank you!
- All in a day's work.

  
But... maybe you should wait out here.

  
- Yeah, whatever.
- I don't mean it like it sounds,

  
but they can be a little particular
about the dogs they let in.

  
Knock yourself out.

  
We'll be eating gourmet food in no time.

  
- Bienvenidos al Hotel Carthay.
- [Chloe] Thank you.

  
Excuse me. Would you be so kind
as to look at my collar?

  
You'll find my owner's
name and number.

  
[barking]

  
Tshh! Get out!

  
Hello! Ew!

  
It touched me!

  
Get this mutt out of here.

  
- Mutt? How dare you!
- [concierge] Edgar!

  
I've been a preferred customer
at this hotel for years!

  
Don't you dare!

  
- I'm sorry.
- You are making a big mistake. Huge.

  
Really! [shrieks]

  
Oh, no.

  
I'm...

  
I'm... hideous.

  
What's taking her so long?

  
Hmm. Figures.

  
What did I expect...
de una princesa?

  
Delgado, it was so humiliating.
You won't believe...

  
Delgado?

  
Delgado.

  
[ Megan McCauley:
Porcelain Doll]

  
[bells jingling]

  
Excuse me. I'm here to see
Detective Ramirez.

  
Detective Ramirez is already with someone,
señorita. Five minutes, please.

  
[door buzzes]

  
Psst. Don't look now,
Hannah Montana, three o'clock.

  
What are you doing here?
I mean, qué are you doing here?

  
Isn't it obvious? To find Chloe.

  
Angela told me everything.

  
Why did you pretend
you couldn't speak English?

  
I didn't. You just assumed.

  
Thought you'd let me go along
and make a fool of myself?

  
Didn't need any help with that.

  
What makes you think
I need help from a gardener?

  
Oh, no, she didn't.

  
It's not that I have a
problem with that word, but,

  
actually, I am a landscaper.

  
And I'm not here for you.

  
I'm here for Vivian,
because she's like family to me.

  
[clears throat]

  
I e-mailed a description
of the dog's collar to all our stations.

  
Chloe's collar. It's worth a fortune.

  
You're welcome.

  
Maybe a picture of the collar
might be even more helpful.

  
Yeah, a lot. Gracias.

  
So what should we do now?

  
We? Nothing.

  
You go back to
your hotel and wait. Please.

  
He's right. There's nothing you can do.

  
What? We're Mexi-can, not Mexi-can't!

  
I'm not going to stop looking.
He only cares about the collar.

  
I need the dog.

  
I'm with her, amigo.
My Chloe's in trouble.

  
Hey! Papi! Hey!

  
- Come on, fool. Let's go!
- Papi, where're you going?

  
[ Tag Team:
Whoomp (There It Is]

  
I cannot believe Chloe's missing this.

  
Sebastian! Thank you.

  
Going to be on the cover
of Purebred Monthly.

  
- Oh.
- Whoo hoo!

  
This party is off the leash!

  
Whoa! Party!

  
So Scooter.

  
- Come here, Birthday Dog.
- No, Whiskey.

  
No, that really isn't necessary.

  
OK. Thank you, thank you.

  
Ooh.

  
Hey, you guys don't think
Chloe's in trouble, do you?

  
Paa-lease. I bet Rachel whisked her
off to some faboo place.

  
If I know Chloe...

  
she's sitting under a palm tree
being waited on by some hunky husky.

  
Oh! Thank you!

  
[groans] I must be starving.

  
- Yeah. That's our churro.
- Sí, our churro.

  
Excuse me, but... I saw it first!

  
- Better back off, muchachos.
- [laughing]

  
Looks like we have
one of those Chihuahua warriors!

  
Now look, I've been dognapped,
lost my favorite cashmere sweater...

  
slept in a box and I'm starting another
in a series of bad hair days.

  
So don't... push me!

  
- Let's get out of here, man.
- Sorry... sorry.

  
That's what I thought. Ha!

  
It's time to pay the piper,
perra pequeña.

  
- Where were we?
- [Delgado] Hang on, kid!

  
[El Diablo] Still trying to be the hero!
I'll smell you out, Delgado.

  
[ Los Pericos:
Caliente]

  
The Aztec Empire's heart
was right here in Chapultepec Park.

  
Once used by the kings
as a royal retreat.

  
[crowd screams]

  
[barking]

  
- Move it! Hurry up!
- I am!

  
- Come on! Two at a time!
- I have four-inch legs.

  
Come on. This way.

  
Not this way.

  
- Where to now?
- Now we're trapped.

  
- Now what?
- I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

  
Why did you abandon me?

  
I've already been abandoned once.

  
You left me, I didn't leave you!

  
I saw you in there
getting pampered, and eating...

  
The closest I came to food
was a used churro.

  
[barking]

  
Come on, let's go.

  
- Where are we going?
- I'm taking you to Puerto Vallarta.

  
- Somebody there can help us.
- That on the way to Beverly Hills?

  
Over here. Jump in.

  
- Delgado?
- What?

  
Why is El Diablo after me?

  
Vasquez must have sent him.

  
Who's Vasquez?

  
He runs the dog fights and anything
else he can make a quick buck at.

  
The police have been after him
for years, but he's slippery.

  
How do you know all that?

  
Were you a criminal or something?

  
Or something. Get some sleep.

  
It's a long ride
and tomorrow's a big day.

  
What did El Diablo mean by,
"Still trying to be the hero?"

  
[sighs]

  
Never mind.

  
[truck engine starts]

  
[mariachi music playing]

  
[sniffing] What the...
What's this? That's Chloe's bootie!

  
Hey, lady!

  
What? What is it?
Chloe's bootie. Good job.

  
She is near. I can feel it.

  
Hey, wait for me!

  
[Spanish]

  
[Sam] He said...

  
he saw a white Chihuahua
with a bunch of dogs run through here.

  
She was being carried
by a German Shepherd...

  
- German Shepherd carried my Chloe?
- Let's go!

  
I'm going to kick some tail. Papi style!

  
- [phone ringing]
- Yes?

  
[Rafferty] Someone else
is looking for that dog.

  
There is a lot of money riding on
this Chihuahua, do you understand?

  
They cannot find her before we do.

  
- I'm on it.
- Good.

  
Come on, baby.

  
Come on, Diablo.

  
[ The Cat Empire:
Hello]

  
OK, this is us. We're here.
Shake your last bootie and let's go.

  
- [Chloe] What's your plan?
- [Delgado] OK, here's the deal.

  
Plant your paws here, keep your muzzle
shut, and wait for me to come back.

  
But... where are you going?
Delgado?

  
You're very withholding, you know that?

  
I guess this is my day at the spa.

  
Ahh.

  
Much better.

  
There she is.
Now, you remember the con, right?

  
I don't really have to eat you, do I?

  
Only swallow my legs.
OK, here we go. Easy on the teeth.

  
- Act scary.
- OK.

  
Help! Help, please help me!

  
- Help me, somebody! Help!
- You're choking me.

  
Keep your tongue to yourself.

  
Help me! Somebody, please!

  
This is just like Animal Planet.
What do I do?

  
Something! Anything! Help!

  
Shoo, lizard. Shoo, shoo.
Regurgitate that rat!

  
Ew.

  
Oh, my gosh. Are you all right? Hello?

  
Are you an angel? Am I dead?

  
No. And I'm not an angel.

  
And yet you're wearing a halo.

  
This? This is my collar
from Harry Winston.

  
- Is that in heaven?
- [Chloe] Well...

  
Sort of. Beverly Hills.

  
Ahh.

  
Beverly Hills.
You're a long way from home.

  
Perhaps I can be of assistance.
I am Manuel.

  
I work on a luxury cruise ship
as a porter...

  
tending to the discriminating needs
of refined, upscale dogs like yourself.

  
Really? Do you think you
could help me get home?

  
Well, you saved my life.
It's the very least I can do.

  
[chuckles]

  
[indistinct Spanish]
[barking]

  
Delgado?

  
Delgado?

  
- Hey, Tomas.
- It's really you, cuz?

  
What happened? Where you been?
Nobody's seen you since...

  
You know, a while.

  
Look... I'm doing this
little security gig.

  
I'm taking a rich Chihuahua
back to Beverly Hills.

  
She's got a tag
on her collar.

  
So take her to a rescue shelter.

  
- They'll read it and call the owner.
- Not that simple.

  
Vasquez is looking for her,
he's got informants everywhere.

  
He's even got El Diablo after her.

  
El Diablo. That's why you're doing it?

  
That delincuente is behind me.

  
It's just a job. Can you get
Officer Mendez to call her tag?

  
Yeah, OK. Bring it to me.

  
- I'll see what I can do.
- Gracias.

  
Come on, let's go.
I found someone to read your tag.

  
- Really? So did I.
- Where's your collar?

  
You're not the only one
who can get things done.

  
- What?
- I gave my collar to Manuel...

  
He is taking it to
the ship's captain to read.

  
Manuel? Who's Manuel?

  
The kindly pack rat
who's helping me out.

  
I saved him from
being eaten by an iguana.

  
An iguana? An iguana!

  
That is the oldest con in the book!
Iguanas are vegetarians!

  
I'm sorry. I don't meet
many iguanas on Rodeo Drive.

  
Without your ID tag...

  
there's nothing to separate you
from any collarless stray on the street!

  
But... Well...

  
Manuel promised me
he'd be right back from the ship.

  
What ship? That ship?

  
What happened to the
"don't talk to strangers"?

  
You said nothing about iguanas.

  
[Spanish]

  
[Manuel] then I said, "Are you an
angel?" American dogs are so gullible.

  
[laughs] Chico, who is the
greatest con man in Mexico?

  
You are. And now,
can we steal some lunch? I'm hungry.

  
- Where did you get that?
- Please don't eat me, man!

  
I got a wife and 300 kids to feed.

  
- Eat him first!
- Where is the Chihuahua?

  
Chihuahua? I don't know any Chihuahua.
I'm from the Yucatán.

  
Of course if you'd like to meet one,
I could arrange it for the right price.

  
You're about to be lunch.

  
That's the right price.
How'd you know?

  
Do something, Manuel.

  
You're trying my patience,
chaparrito.

  
Stop trying his patience.

  
- Where is she?
- By the fountain, near the docks.

  
I didn't know she was a friend of yours.
I was just borrowing it.

  
Please don't hurt me.

  
[short growl]

  
Hmm. Hmm.

  
[Manuel] Ha! That's dog's lucky
I didn't cha-cha on his chest.

  
You know, Manuel, I don't think
that dog was a friend of hers.

  
It's not our problem, Chico.

  
Come on, let's go raid a piñata.
I feel like feeding my sweet tooth.

  
Leave me out of this, Manuel.
Where there's a piñata, there's a stick.

  
- Uh, Delgado?
- Yeah?

  
What are we doing here?

  
- This is where we meet the coyote.
- A coyote?

  
A smuggler. They sneak collarless dogs
like us across the border.

  
You used to be a police dog, didn't you?

  
That's how you know Sergeant Tomas.
That's how you can do all those things.

  
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Did you quit? Did you get fired?

  
Did you do something wrong?

  
Yes, I did something wrong, OK?
You satisfied?

  
Now, just drop it.

  
OK. OK.

  
There he is. We're on. Follow me.

  
- And no more questions.
- OK. OK.

  
- But what was it? Was someone hurt?
- [Delgado] Drop it! Just drop it!

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
You're driving me crazy.

  
You're not exactly the most charming
traveling companion either.

  
- Good, because we're parting ways.
- What?

  
Wait, wait! What are you doing?

  
This train will take you to Tijuana.

  
- But...
- But nothing.

  
The coyote will take you
over the border.

  
- Buenos Días.
- Wha...

  
Make yourself at home. [laughs]

  
Best of luck.

  
But... you promised.

  
Delgado...

  
[sighs]

  
Don't turn around. Don't turn around.

  
Don't... What am I doing?

  
- Delgado!
- Chloe!

  
- Delgado!
- Chloe!

  
Come on. Jump!

  
It's a fast train!

  
You can do it! Jump!

  
That hurt.

  
OK, good.

  
- I could use a little help.
- I'll pull you up.

  
[Chloe shrieks]

  
- Don't help. Don't help.
- [shrieks]

  
[heavy breathing]

  
[sighs]

  
What can I say? A promise is a promise.

  
Sure thing, Delgado.

  
[Rachel] Sam! How do you say
"lost" in Spanish?

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
[sniffs]

  
Chloe.

  
Wait, he's got something.

  
Papi! Papi!

  
You! That scent.
Where did you get that scent?

  
Maybe you haven't noticed,

  
but I'm currently napping
in a sewage pipe.

  
You mean the moldy taco?

  
No, fool. The perfume. It's Chloe's.

  
She's an American Chihuahua.

  
Her ears are as pink as seashells...

  
and her nose is like a raspberry.

  
- You serious, bro?
- Eh? A berry?

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
Is she kind of uppity?
Wears matching clothes?

  
- You know her? Where is she?
- Last we saw her...

  
- she was with Delgado on the run.
- Yeah.

  
- Mm-hm.
- Delgado? Who is this Delgado?

  
I want to hear more. Come with me.

  
Looks like he found a couple of friends.

  
Just what we need, stray dogs.

  
Papi was a stray dog.
I saved him from the pound.

  
Hey, buddy.

  
He inspires me every day.
What inspires you, Rachel?

  
Get back to you on that.

  
- [whimpers]
- Hey.

  
Look at that. How you doing? Hello.

  
I guess he is kind of cute.
We could take them with us,

  
but you have to give them a bath,
they stink.

  
I can handle that.

  
- You stink! Oh!
- You just need a bath.

  
Oh, I love this!

  
I think I'm in love
with the gringa.

  
[ Los Lonely Boys:
Heaven]

  
- I think he likes it.
- I think he likes you.

  
Where you going? Wait for me!

  
- [splashing]
- [screaming]

  
Oh, yeah. Mira, I'm clean.
I'm clean. I never knew clean.

  
I know clean now.

  
I have never had
my teeth brushed before.

  
It's... minty.

  
[chuckles] It's weird.

  
Papi, this is great!

  
- We should call room service.
- Let's order a movie.

  
Have we found a home, Papi?

  
I don't know, but they'll make sure
you're safe.

  
Sam did it for me.

  
See you tomorrow.

  
- Come on.
- No, they can stay with me.

  
I take responsibility.

  
[Sam] Cool.

  
Papi, what do you see, compa?

  
It's a big place, my little friend.

  
I may be small, but I am fighting...

  
for something... bigger than all of it.

  
Mi Corazón.

  
[ Enrique Iglesias:
Hero]

  
Excuse me. Where are you from?

  
- I'm from Beverly Hills.
- [puppy] Where is that?

  
Well... it feels like
a long way from here.

  
Señorita, what is that?

  
It's a bootie. I lost the others.

  
All the dogs in Beverly Hills
wear them to protect their feet.

  
It must be very dirty there.

  
[chuckles] No. Actually, it's probably
the cleanest place I know.

  
Then that's pretty silly
to wear a bootie.

  
Pedro, be polite.

  
You know something, Pedro?

  
You're right.

  
[yawns]

  
[train horn blows]

  
[barking]

  
- [knocking on door]
- [Sam] Rachel.

  
Rachel.

  
Come on, Sleeping Beauty, let's go.

  
[Sam] Detective Ramirez called.

  
A white Chihuahua and a German
Shepherd were seen in Puerto Vallarta.

  
They're not sure if it was her,
she wasn't wearing her collar.

  
What? Someone stole Chloe's collar?

  
I'm going to go
all kinds of Mexican on him.

  
Chico, I have this pain
in the pit of my stomach.

  
- Must have been the Pop Rocks.
- Or it could be... guilt.

  
We should have never
stolen that chica's collar.

  
Now she'll never get home.

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
[both screaming]

  
Let's get out of here!

  
[makes donkey-like sounds]

  
[panting]

  
Make a left, make a left.

  
Aisle four, tortillas on the floor.

  
- I feel naked.
- Every man for himself!

  
- My head!
- Go through his legs!

  
This way. Come on!

  
Back the other way!

  
Get off me!

  
Hey, Chico! We're home free!

  
Back up, back up!

  
That's what you get!

  
Hey! He's got my diamonds!

  
- Our diamonds.
- Whatever.

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
[train horn blows]

  
Wake up! The conductor's coming!
Hide! Rápido, hide!

  
[indistinct chatter]

  
What's going on?

  
- Delgado, what's happening?
- We got trouble.

  
Hide behind the crate.
I'll distract him.

  
Don't come out,
no matter what happens.

  
But, Delgado...

  
Don't come out,
no matter what happens.

  
- What are you gonna do?
- Something crazy.

  
- [screaming]
- [crashing]

  
Well, that used to be easier.

  
Just my luck.

  
Delgado!

  
- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, my back.

  
- Did you see that?
- Yes.

  
I just jumped off a train!
By myself! And it was moving.

  
I told you to stay onboard.

  
But we're in this together.
I couldn't leave you here.

  
I've never had a friend like you.

  
You should have stayed, kid.
Look around.

  
You should have stayed.

  
I told the local police
I found the collar on a rat.

  
But they didn't believe me.

  
I went to turn the diamonds in,
and they tried to arrest me.

  
Sorry for the confusion, señor.

  
The rat, he's clever.

  
Oye, this hombre
needs help.

  
I set traps to keep him out,
but he always gets in!

  
Sneaky, sneaky mouse.

  
You know what you need?

  
- [barks]
- A guard dog.

  
- He's a stray.
- Yeah, he's a stray...

  
but he's a really good dog.

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
[Rachel] Thanks for
returning Chloe's collar.

  
Congratulations, amigo.
You have a home.

  
Gracias, Rafa.
It will happen for you, too.

  
Stay brown, brother.

  
Come on.
Ain't nothing to it but to do it.

  
- Adiós
- Adiós, Chucho.

  
Hey, don't chew the furniture.

  
- Good luck finding your dog.
- [Sam] Thank you.

  
I just got off
with the Puerto Vallarta police.

  
There was some dog trouble
on the northbound train this morning.

  
A German Shepherd jumped off.

  
Chloe.

  
- Thank you.
- Call me if you find out anything.

  
- [Rachel] Follow the tracks north.
- [Sam] Through the Sonoran Desert.

  
[Rachel] This will be great.

  
She's getting away with my diamonds.

  
[Chico] I think that that's like...
karma, man.

  
See, you steal it,
and eventually it is stolen from you.

  
And I steal it back.

  
- How you going to do that?
- Quiet!

  
[ War:
Low Rider]

  
[Chloe] So, Bimini says that
she's going out with Scooter...

  
who I happen to know
is completely crazy.

  
[Delgado] Please, make it stop.

  
[Chloe] I can't say that to her.
I have to be supportive, right?

  
Wait a minute. Haven't we
passed this tree before?

  
No, you're mistaken.
We've been walking for hours.

  
- But I tinkled there.
- You what?

  
You tinkled?

  
Can't you tell?

  
Oh, my... You can't smell, can you?

  
[groans]

  
- No.
- What happened?

  
It's OK, you can tell me.

  
I didn't... quit the police force.

  
They let me go because
I could no longer follow a scent.

  
Now we're out here walking in circles.

  
I'm sorry, kid.

  
[distant growling]

  
- What's that?
- Mountain lions!

  
- I'm scared, Delgado.
- I know.

  
We better get moving.
We got to get out of the open.

  
- OK.
- Let's go. Double time.

  
Delgado, what happened to you?

  
Why can't you smell anything?

  
Well...

  
My partner and I...
we were on a major bust.

  
I was on point.

  
Before I knew it I was blind-sided.
Then it all went bad.

  
While I was down,
my partner got hurt.

  
He was never the same after that.
And neither was I.

  
I should have sensed him coming.

  
Next day I woke up
and couldn't smell a thing.

  
Were you hurt?

  
No. They say it's all in my head.

  
In my head.

  
[growl]

  
They found us!

  
I'll hold them off as long as I can
while you run. Understand?

  
They're just cats.
You could take them.

  
[growl]

  
We need a miracle. Run when I say run!

  
- Come on! Take them!
- [growls]

  
Yeah, you can do it!

  
Don't be afraid!

  
Go, Delgado! Go, Delgado!

  
- Run, kid! Run, now!
- OK, OK.

  
- Run and hide!
- Here. I'm here.

  
This is not hiding.

  
[rumbling]

  
[rumbling stops]

  
[dogs growling]

  
Say hello to my little friends.

  
[barking]

  
- [cats shriek]
- [barking]

  
Whoa! That's some bark you guys got.

  
I am Montezuma!
Come with us if you want to live.

  
Yeah, I want to live.

  
Now I've seen it all.

  
[Chloe] Can you help us get back
to civilization, Montezuma?

  
[Montezuma] Of course.

  
But it is too dangerous
to travel these canyons after dark.

  
You will spend the night here with us.

  
[Chloe] Where are we?

  
You are in Chihuahua.
Birthplace of our mighty breed.

  
I was born in Beverly Hills.

  
Sí, but your ancestors
came from here.

  
The Aztec people left long ago,
but we remain.

  
Wow.

  
[ Luis Oliveira and His Bandodalua Boys:
Chihuahua]

  
Did you hear what he said, Delgado?

  
- I come from a mighty breed.
- Yeah, mighty annoying.

  
You're just mad because
we were saved by little dogs.

  
Very little dogs.

  
Tonight we celebrate your arrival.

  
Thank you, Montezuma.

  
Please, call me Monte.

  
- [Chloe sighs]
- [Delgado] Ay yi yi.

  
[barking]

  
[Chloe] Wow! All this for me, Monte?

  
[Monte] Yes, Chloe.

  
When a Chihuahua comes home,
it is cause for celebration.

  
[Chloe] Even a Beverly Hills Chihuahua?

  
[Monte] Of course. No matter where
you come from, you are one of us.

  
Tiny but mighty.

  
Mighty? But I'm just... a lapdog.

  
A lapdog? No.

  
Do not insult yourself. Do not insult
the Chihuahua race.

  
- [all] No más.
- [Chloe] No más?

  
Sí, it means "no more."

  
We Chihuahuas are not toys
or fashion accessories.

  
[all] No más.

  
We were not bred to wear silly hats
and ride in purses!

  
[all] No más.

  
We will no longer
be spoken to with baby talk.

  
We have been called "teacup"
and "tiny toy" for too long.

  
[puppy] No más!

  
Names like Fifi, Foo-Foo...

  
Pookie, Pumpkin, or Squirt.

  
[all] No más!

  
Yes, we Chihuahuas shake, but not for
the amusement of humans.

  
We shake because we know the power
of our inner strength. Our bark.

  
[all] No más!

  
Yes, we are tiny, but we are mighty!

  
[all] No más! No más! No más!

  
Join with us, Chloe.
Embrace no más. Find your bark.

  
My bark?

  
Sí! That which makes you mighty.

  
That which makes you... you.

  
We are Chihuahuas, hear us roar.

  
[all barking]

  
- [bark]
- [Chloe squeaks]

  
- [bark]
- [squeak]

  
[squeak]

  
That was embarrassing.

  
Don't worry, little one. Your bark will
come when you need it most.

  
[all barking]

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
Last one in the house is a chew toy!

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
They have room.

  
[Manuel] Come on. Little more.

  
- You got it now. Now pull.
- [Chico] I got it, I got it.

  
- Sweet smell of success.
- I'm smelling something else.

  
There's the bag. There's the bag that's
got my diamonds. Hey, watch your nose!

  
I don't feel right about this.

  
Look, my neck flap is swelling up.

  
Stop with the guilt.
Iguanas are supposed to be cold-blooded.

  
You know I was born in captivity.
I grew up under a heat lamp.

  
Snap out of it. We got a job to do.

  
Ah-hah! You're the pack rat
who stole the collar!

  
See? You're so busted, Manuel.

  
Hey, dude, you got me mixed up with
another rat. You know we all look alike.

  
- No, no. It's him. He did it.
- What?

  
Now the love of my life
is out there in trouble.

  
- Not because of us.
- No?

  
- We were trying to... save her.
- Yeah.

  
From the demon dog that's hunting her.

  
Tell me about this demon dog.

  
[low growl]

  
[bleeping]

  
Chloe, you can always stay here with us.

  
This place is amazing, Monte.

  
But there's someone at home who's
probably worried and missing me...

  
and I miss him.

  
Your corazón?

  
Mi corazón. What does that mean?

  
My heart.

  
I never even gave him a chance.

  
We Chihuahuas come
in many shapes and colors...

  
but when you look not with your eyes,
but with your soul,

  
there we're all the same.

  
Listen... back there with the lions...

  
...uh... uh... thanks.

  
But of course. We are Chihuahuas.

  
Ah! Civilization at last.
We made it, Delgado.

  
- Delgado!
- Just keep paddling!

  
[Chloe] Whoa!
[screams]

  
- That was fun!
- Yeah, you're a real aquatic goddess.

  
- Delgado, look!
- What?

  
Is that you? Nice toga.

  
I can't believe Rachel's looking for me.

  
Let's get some help.

  
[both barking]

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
- Chloe.
- Sí.

  
[both speak Spanish]

  
We always kept a dog
when my husband was alive.

  
He'd make a great companion.
You guys are perfect for each other.

  
Somebody's got a lady friend.

  
I have a home.

  
We're on our way. Hey, Rachel,
that was Ramirez. They found Chloe.

  
[screams]

  
Whoa. Awkward.

  
We should go.
Ramirez is going to meet us there.

  
I told you,
everything's going to be fine.

  
[ The Pinker Tones:
Whistling Song]

  
[Rachel] This is the place.

  
Chloe!

  
Hello?

  
OK, how about here?
You American dogs are so picky.

  
OK, go. What?

  
Ah. Excuse me, señorita.
Please, please, go.

  
I've seen that gringo before.

  
[sniffs]

  
Oye, that van.
My Chloe's been there.

  
Right on, Mighty Dog. Power to the Papi.

  
- Now go get her!
- [Chico] Go get your princesa.

  
- ¡Mi corazón!
- [Chico] So romantic.

  
Man, I thought we'd
never get rid of him.

  
- Come on.
- Now I'll finally get my diamonds.

  
[Chico] For the love of a banana,
hurry. Ow!

  
Señora?

  
Oh, no. No!

  
[shouts in Spanish]

  
Chloe!

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
- [Delgado] Turn me loose!
- What did he say?

  
- Don't worry, we're going to find her.
- What?

  
Oh!

  
I'm going to look for her.

  
Kid!

  
[sniffing]

  
Kid! Where are you? Chloe!

  
[gasping] Where are you taking me?

  
Good job, Diablo. Good job.

  
You've been a lot of trouble, huh?
I hope you're worth it.

  
I need to call the owners,
so get the dog in the van.

  
[man] Yes, sir.

  
Surprise!

  
- [crunch]
- [man screams]

  
Don't mess with a Chihuahua!

  
Papi! What are you doing here!

  
Rescuing you. Run!

  
- Come on.
- I'm coming.

  
Go! Diablo, go!

  
- [Vasquez] Get that Chihuahua!
- [Rafferty] Which one?

  
- The mean one!
- Papi!

  
- We're trapped!
- I will protect you, mi corazón.

  
Hold on, Chloe!

  
Come on, little brat.

  
[screams]

  
[both grunt]

  
[Manuel] Ow!

  
Oh, my back. I need an aspirin.

  
- Doesn't that hurt?
- You see a tooth around?

  
You two! What are you doing here?

  
It's not what you think.

  
Look... we're not trying
to steal this collar.

  
- Right.
- Maybe we are.

  
Look, what my partner's
trying to say is, if you hurry,

  
- you can pick up her scent using this.
- Yeah.

  
- I can't.
- What?

  
I make this noble gesture,
you're not even going to try?

  
What's the point of having that
thing on the end of your face?

  
[sniffs]

  
- I can't!
- She needs you, man.

  
- What part don't you understand?
- She needs you, man!

  
You can do it! Smell.

  
- That's it.
- You can do it, Delgado. Come on.

  
Smell.

  
I'm getting something. Pack rat.

  
Old nachos.

  
Chanel No. 5.

  
He's got it!

  
I have a Chihuahua to save.

  
- He's got my collar!
- Yeah, he's got it.

  
You did a good thing, Manuel.
You know you did a good thing.

  
- [Manuel laughs]
- You're blushing. You're blushing.

  
[men speaking Spanish]

  
[Rachel] That's Chloe's collar.

  
He wants to lead us
to the Chihuahua. Let's go.

  
Be careful.
The whole structure is crumbling.

  
[Vasquez] Rafferty,
there's no sign of the dog.

  
[Papi] Hey, tough guy,
you're lucky I'm locked in.

  
[Vasquez] Rafferty, come in.

  
[Papi] You look confused.

  
Hey, man, where you going?
To find the rest of your tail?

  
[Vasquez] Rafferty, come in.

  
I know you're here, chica.
I can smell you.

  
[Vasquez] Rafferty, come in, come in.

  
- Rafferty.
- Sorry, you're breaking up, boss.

  
[Delgado squeaks]

  
I'm going to get you now, you rat.

  
Hello. One down.

  
Rafferty, what's going on?
Talk to me. What's going on?

  
- Chloe, you're okay.
- Shhh.

  
Come in. I cannot hear you. Come on.

  
[straining]

  
- Who you been hanging around with?
- Diablo, let's get out...

  
- Get them. Get them!
- [Chloe] Run!

  
- Follow me!
- [Papi] We can do it!

  
Whoa, you heard the man.
Come on, get me.

  
[Papi] Too slow, gotta go!

  
- [Chloe shrieks]
- [grunting]

  
Come here. Come here!

  
[Papi] You better watch out, dog.
I'm going to beat you like a piñata!

  
They don't call me
Papi Loco for nothing!

  
Come on, little rat. Come on!

  
- Whoa!
- Papi!

  
Say goodbye to your corazón.

  
No... más. [squeaks]

  
No más. [squeaks]

  
It's over.

  
- Chloe!
- No más!

  
[loud bark]

  
[gasps]

  
Wow! That's my bark.

  
[bark]

  
I barked!

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
I barked!

  
Two down.

  
He's all yours, Officer.

  
[Officer] Señor Vasquez.

  
- Did you see that?
- Wow.

  
I barked!

  
Ai, Mami! Nice set of pipes!

  
- [growling]
- [Chloe] Run!

  
It's time to finish what I started.

  
You don't scare me anymore!

  
Then why are you shaking?

  
Because I am a Chihuahua!

  
[growling] Diablo!

  
Big mistake.

  
Leave him alone!

  
- Chloe, what are you doing?
- [Chloe] You owe me a cashmere sweater.

  
- Hang on, Chloe!
- [Delgado] Kid, hang on.

  
- How dare you!
- [Papi] Chloe, watch out!

  
[Chloe screams]

  
[howling]

  
It's over, Diablo! It is over!

  
You took everything from me.

  
- Now, we're even.
- [gulps]

  
[Papi] Chloe?

  
Mi corazón?

  
[distant growl]

  
Kid?

  
She's... gone.

  
Wake up, mi corazón.

  
It's me. Your Papi.

  
Speak to me.

  
Fill my ears with your beautiful voice.

  
Without you, the sun
will have no warmth...

  
the flowers, no beauty.

  
Chloe, my tail will have no wag.

  
Come back to Beverly Hills with me,
and I will tend your garden forever.

  
Your love is the rain
that falls upon my earth.

  
Don't stop now. It's just getting good.

  
Ai Chihuahua!

  
Papi, that was beautiful.

  
Chloe, you're back. You're back.

  
[Rachel] Chloe?

  
[Papi] She's back!

  
You're OK.

  
Chloe, where have you been?

  
Rachel, you missed all the fun.

  
[Delgado] You are one tough Chihuahua.

  
Tiny but mighty.

  
[Rachel] Hi, Chloe.

  
Hi. Hi.

  
[police siren]

  
[grunts]

  
[Delgado] So you're the... guard dog.

  
No, man. I'm a landscaper.

  
- [laughs] Oops.
- Right.

  
Well, adiós, kid.

  
Oh, uh... Delgado.

  
You know,
Vivian could still use a guard dog.

  
Thanks for the offer,
but someone has to go after El Diablo.

  
Besides, princesa, I think you
can take care of things yourself now.

  
I'll miss you.

  
Yeah, I'll miss you, too, kid.
But this isn't goodbye.

  
I'm sure we'll be
seeing each other again.

  
[sighs]

  
Don't turn around. Don't turn around.

  
Maybe you could use
a little extra help on the force.

  
Where do you think
you are going, officer?

  
Ready to get back on the job?

  
[barks]

  
Officer!

  
[both bark]

  
Yeah. Good boy. Good boy.

  
[Rachel] Chloe! Papi! Let's go home.

  
We gotta get home before Aunt Viv does.

  
Hey, come here.

  
Goodbye, my friends. [speaks Spanish]

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
- Adiós, amigo.
- [Delgado] Adiós, kid.

  
Muchas gracias, Delgado.

  
Thank you, Chloe.
I've never had a friend like you.

  
Great, she's not home yet.
She'll be here any minute.

  
- Can you get the bags?
- Yeah, I'll get the bags.

  
- I'll put her in the tub.
- Go, go, go.

  
Hurry up!

  
Come on. We're going to make it.

  
Oh-oh. Think fast, amigo.

  
Hi! How are you? Welcome.

  
- Welcome. Hi.
- What a surprise. Hello.

  
I took photographs
of the most wonderful gardens.

  
You're not going to believe.
First, I want to go see Chloe.

  
- Actually, I need you to see something.
- That's the best you can do?

  
- Something you're gonna love.
- Should I bite her leg?

  
By the way, you look exhausted.
You've been working too hard.

  
Chloe? Chloe.

  
- Sam, put my bags over there, please?
- Yes.

  
Chloe? Rachel?

  
- Hi, Aunt Viv.
- Hi.

  
- Hi.
- Hi.

  
Your hair is all wet.

  
I was in a bath.

  
- Oh. Where's my Chloe?
- There she is.

  
Hi, sweetheart.

  
Hi. Come here.
Hi, sweetheart.

  
My baby girl. My sweet angel.

  
I missed you so much. I did.

  
Yes, I did.

  
What's that smell? What's that...

  
[Viv] It's sort of... urban and...

  
kind of earthy... and it's fabulous.

  
That's Mexico No. 5.

  
I can't believe I'm running over
a pond in my best dress.

  
So does this mean you're no longer a
prissy Beverly Hills Chihuahua?

  
Beverly Hills, sí. Prissy,
no más.

  
How do you say "What are you doing
on Friday night" in Spanish?

  
[both speak Spanish]

  
Me? Nothing. And you?

  
- Nada.
- Bueno, let's...

  
After the way I treated you,

  
I can't believe you came after me.

  
How could I not?

  
[speaks Spanish]

  
I think I'm... going to cry.

  
[whimpers]

  
Oh, Chloe. [laughs]

  
[chuckles] Papi likes.

  
[Papi] In case
you were wondering, amigos.

  
Delgado received the medal of honor for
capturing his archnemesis, El Diablo.

  
Shortly after entering the pound,

  
El Diablo was adopted by a rich lady
with a passion for fashion.

  
Rafa became the official
spokesdog for Minty Mutt.

  
For that doggy fresh breath
all day long.

  
Bimini, Sebastian, and Delta
landed a dream spot

  
on TV's hottest new reality show,

  
So You Think You Can Prance. Hey!

  
Chico and Manuel
stowed away to Beverly Hills...

  
where they learned
a new English word...

  
..."bling."

  
This was Chloe and
me on our first date.

  
And who knows? Maybe there are
a few taquitos in our future.

  
Let's just say
mi corazón puts the "wow" in...

  
... Chihuahua!

  
[ Ali Dee:
Chihuahua]

  
[ Heitor Pereira:
Llama ("Chloe's Theme")]
    Quote Originally Posted by opalskiies View Post
    parents don't want their kids exposed to normal love? lmao
    Wouldn't shock me, especially since Christianity is still a big thing.
    Toy Soldier is my spirit toy.
    Currently Watching: Dragon Ball

  9. #9
    #ivyleague boujee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by opalskiies View Post
    parents don't want their kids exposed to normal love? lmao

    - - - Post Merge - - -

    i mean, i get the intense, sexual LGBT videos (Anything sexual should be censored for kids), but like... lesbians reading wedding vows? really? why should kids not see something as simple and sweet as that
    why would a kid look up lesbians reading wedding vows?

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    Synthesis Bahamut's Avatar
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    ah youtube going crazy again, it's getting old

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