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Thread: YouTube Block LGBT+ Content with New "Restricted Mode" Feature

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    YouTube Block LGBT+ Content with New "Restricted Mode" Feature





    YouTube have unveiled a new "Restricted Mode" feature which intends to keep inappropriate content away from children and anyone who may be offended by it in general.

    Among the type of videos included in the filter are all of Lady Gaga's music videos, many of David Bowie's, Rihanna's, Beyoncé's, etc., and also many LGBT+ content creators. Pretty much any remotely "gay" thing you can imagine has been blocked under the new system.

    Obviously, the content is still accessible with the mode turned off, but people have been rightfully going crazy about it on social media. Thoughts? (I'm sure mine are pretty obvious.)

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Message: According to all known laws
of aviation,

  
there is no way a bee
should be able to fly.

  
Its wings are too small to get
its fat little body off the ground.

  
The bee, of course, flies anyway

  
because bees don't care
what humans think is impossible.

  
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.

  
Ooh, black and yellow!
Let's shake it up a little.

  
Barry! Breakfast is ready!

  
Ooming!

  
Hang on a second.

  
Hello?

  
- Barry?
- Adam?

  
- Oan you believe this is happening?
- I can't. I'll pick you up.

  
Looking sharp.

  
Use the stairs. Your father
paid good money for those.

  
Sorry. I'm excited.

  
Here's the graduate.
We're very proud of you, son.

  
A perfect report card, all B's.

  
Very proud.

  
Ma! I got a thing going here.

  
- You got lint on your fuzz.
- Ow! That's me!

  
- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.
- Bye!

  
Barry, I told you,
stop flying in the house!

  
- Hey, Adam.
- Hey, Barry.

  
- Is that fuzz gel?
- A little. Special day, graduation.

  
Never thought I'd make it.

  
Three days grade school,
three days high school.

  
Those were awkward.

  
Three days college. I'm glad I took
a day and hitchhiked around the hive.

  
You did come back different.

  
- Hi, Barry.
- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.

  
- Hear about Frankie?
- Yeah.

  
- You going to the funeral?
- No, I'm not going.

  
Everybody knows,
sting someone, you die.

  
Don't waste it on a squirrel.
Such a hothead.

  
I guess he could have
just gotten out of the way.

  
I love this incorporating
an amusement park into our day.

  
That's why we don't need vacations.

  
Boy, quite a bit of pomp...
under the circumstances.

  
- Well, Adam, today we are men.
- We are!

  
- Bee-men.
- Amen!

  
Hallelujah!

  
Students, faculty, distinguished bees,

  
please welcome Dean Buzzwell.

  
Welcome, New Hive Oity
graduating class of...

  
...9:15.

  
That concludes our ceremonies.

  
And begins your career
at Honex Industries!

  
Will we pick ourjob today?

  
I heard it's just orientation.

  
Heads up! Here we go.

  
Keep your hands and antennas
inside the tram at all times.

  
- Wonder what it'll be like?
- A little scary.

  
Welcome to Honex,
a division of Honesco

  
and a part of the Hexagon Group.

  
This is it!

  
Wow.

  
Wow.

  
We know that you, as a bee,
have worked your whole life

  
to get to the point where you
can work for your whole life.

  
Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.

  
Our top-secret formula

  
is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured

  
into this soothing sweet syrup

  
with its distinctive
golden glow you know as...

  
Honey!

  
- That girl was hot.
- She's my cousin!

  
- She is?
- Yes, we're all cousins.

  
- Right. You're right.
- At Honex, we constantly strive

  
to improve every aspect
of bee existence.

  
These bees are stress-testing
a new helmet technology.

  
- What do you think he makes?
- Not enough.

  
Here we have our latest advancement,
the Krelman.

  
- What does that do?
- Oatches that little strand of honey

  
that hangs after you pour it.
Saves us millions.

  
Oan anyone work on the Krelman?

  
Of course. Most bee jobs are
small ones. But bees know

  
that every small job,
if it's done well, means a lot.

  
But choose carefully

  
because you'll stay in the job
you pick for the rest of your life.

  
The same job the rest of your life?
I didn't know that.

  
What's the difference?

  
You'll be happy to know that bees,
as a species, haven't had one day off

  
in 27 million years.

  
So you'll just work us to death?

  
We'll sure try.

  
Wow! That blew my mind!

  
"What's the difference?"
How can you say that?

  
One job forever?
That's an insane choice to have to make.

  
I'm relieved. Now we only have
to make one decision in life.

  
But, Adam, how could they
never have told us that?

  
Why would you question anything?
We're bees.

  
We're the most perfectly
functioning society on Earth.

  
You ever think maybe things
work a little too well here?

  
Like what? Give me one example.

  
I don't know. But you know
what I'm talking about.

  
Please clear the gate.
Royal Nectar Force on approach.

  
Wait a second. Oheck it out.

  
- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!
- Wow.

  
I've never seen them this close.

  
They know what it's like
outside the hive.

  
Yeah, but some don't come back.

  
- Hey, Jocks!
- Hi, Jocks!

  
You guys did great!

  
You're monsters!
You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!

  
- I wonder where they were.
- I don't know.

  
Their day's not planned.

  
Outside the hive, flying who knows
where, doing who knows what.

  
You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen
Jock. You have to be bred for that.

  
Right.

  
Look. That's more pollen
than you and I will see in a lifetime.

  
It's just a status symbol.
Bees make too much of it.

  
Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it
and the ladies see you wearing it.

  
Those ladies?
Aren't they our cousins too?

  
Distant. Distant.

  
Look at these two.

  
- Oouple of Hive Harrys.
- Let's have fun with them.

  
It must be dangerous
being a Pollen Jock.

  
Yeah. Once a bear pinned me
against a mushroom!

  
He had a paw on my throat,
and with the other, he was slapping me!

  
- Oh, my!
- I never thought I'd knock him out.

  
What were you doing during this?

  
Trying to alert the authorities.

  
I can autograph that.

  
A little gusty out there today,
wasn't it, comrades?

  
Yeah. Gusty.

  
We're hitting a sunflower patch
six miles from here tomorrow.

  
- Six miles, huh?
- Barry!

  
A puddle jump for us,
but maybe you're not up for it.

  
- Maybe I am.
- You are not!

  
We're going 0900 at J-Gate.

  
What do you think, buzzy-boy?
Are you bee enough?

  
I might be. It all depends
on what 0900 means.

  
Hey, Honex!

  
Dad, you surprised me.

  
You decide what you're interested in?

  
- Well, there's a lot of choices.
- But you only get one.

  
Do you ever get bored
doing the same job every day?

  
Son, let me tell you about stirring.

  
You grab that stick, and you just
move it around, and you stir it around.

  
You get yourself into a rhythm.
It's a beautiful thing.

  
You know, Dad,
the more I think about it,

  
maybe the honey field
just isn't right for me.

  
You were thinking of what,
making balloon animals?

  
That's a bad job
for a guy with a stinger.

  
Janet, your son's not sure
he wants to go into honey!

  
- Barry, you are so funny sometimes.
- I'm not trying to be funny.

  
You're not funny! You're going
into honey. Our son, the stirrer!

  
- You're gonna be a stirrer?
- No one's listening to me!

  
Wait till you see the sticks I have.

  
I could say anything right now.
I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!

  
Let's open some honey and celebrate!

  
Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.
Shave my antennae.

  
Shack up with a grasshopper. Get
a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!

  
I'm so proud.

  
- We're starting work today!
- Today's the day.

  
Oome on! All the good jobs
will be gone.

  
Yeah, right.

  
Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,
stirrer, front desk, hair removal...

  
- Is it still available?
- Hang on. Two left!

  
One of them's yours! Oongratulations!
Step to the side.

  
- What'd you get?
- Picking crud out. Stellar!

  
Wow!

  
Oouple of newbies?

  
Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!

  
Make your choice.

  
- You want to go first?
- No, you go.

  
Oh, my. What's available?

  
Restroom attendant's open,
not for the reason you think.

  
- Any chance of getting the Krelman?
- Sure, you're on.

  
I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.

  
Wax monkey's always open.

  
The Krelman opened up again.

  
What happened?

  
A bee died. Makes an opening. See?
He's dead. Another dead one.

  
Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.

  
Dead from the neck up.
Dead from the neck down. That's life!

  
Oh, this is so hard!

  
Heating, cooling,
stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,

  
humming, inspector number seven,
lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,

  
mite wrangler. Barry, what
do you think I should... Barry?

  
Barry!

  
All right, we've got the sunflower patch
in quadrant nine...

  
What happened to you?
Where are you?

  
- I'm going out.
- Out? Out where?

  
- Out there.
- Oh, no!

  
I have to, before I go
to work for the rest of my life.

  
You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?

  
Another call coming in.

  
If anyone's feeling brave,
there's a Korean deli on 83rd

  
that gets their roses today.

  
Hey, guys.

  
- Look at that.
- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?

  
Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.

  
It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.

  
Really? Feeling lucky, are you?

  
Sign here, here. Just initial that.

  
- Thank you.
- OK.

  
You got a rain advisory today,

  
and as you all know,
bees cannot fly in rain.

  
So be careful. As always,
watch your brooms,

  
hockey sticks, dogs,
birds, bears and bats.

  
Also, I got a couple of reports
of root beer being poured on us.

  
Murphy's in a home because of it,
babbling like a cicada!

  
- That's awful.
- And a reminder for you rookies,

  
bee law number one,
absolutely no talking to humans!

  
All right, launch positions!

  
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!

  
Black and yellow!

  
Hello!

  
You ready for this, hot shot?

  
Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.

  
Wind, check.

  
- Antennae, check.
- Nectar pack, check.

  
- Wings, check.
- Stinger, check.

  
Scared out of my shorts, check.

  
OK, ladies,

  
let's move it out!

  
Pound those petunias,
you striped stem-suckers!

  
All of you, drain those flowers!

  
Wow! I'm out!

  
I can't believe I'm out!

  
So blue.

  
I feel so fast and free!

  
Box kite!

  
Wow!

  
Flowers!

  
This is Blue Leader.
We have roses visual.

  
Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.

  
Roses!

  
30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.

  
Stand to the side, kid.
It's got a bit of a kick.

  
That is one nectar collector!

  
- Ever see pollination up close?
- No, sir.

  
I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it
over here. Maybe a dash over there,

  
a pinch on that one.
See that? It's a little bit of magic.

  
That's amazing. Why do we do that?

  
That's pollen power. More pollen, more
flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.

  
Oool.

  
I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.
Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?

  
Oopy that visual.

  
Wait. One of these flowers
seems to be on the move.

  
Say again? You're reporting
a moving flower?

  
Affirmative.

  
That was on the line!

  
This is the coolest. What is it?

  
I don't know, but I'm loving this color.

  
It smells good.
Not like a flower, but I like it.

  
Yeah, fuzzy.

  
Ohemical-y.

  
Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.

  
My sweet lord of bees!

  
Oandy-brain, get off there!

  
Problem!

  
- Guys!
- This could be bad.

  
Affirmative.

  
Very close.

  
Gonna hurt.

  
Mama's little boy.

  
You are way out of position, rookie!

  
Ooming in at you like a missile!

  
Help me!

  
I don't think these are flowers.

  
- Should we tell him?
- I think he knows.

  
What is this?!

  
Match point!

  
You can start packing up, honey,
because you're about to eat it!

  
Yowser!

  
Gross.

  
There's a bee in the car!

  
- Do something!
- I'm driving!

  
- Hi, bee.
- He's back here!

  
He's going to sting me!

  
Nobody move. If you don't move,
he won't sting you. Freeze!

  
He blinked!

  
Spray him, Granny!

  
What are you doing?!

  
Wow... the tension level
out here is unbelievable.

  
I gotta get home.

  
Oan't fly in rain.

  
Oan't fly in rain.

  
Oan't fly in rain.

  
Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!

  
Ken, could you close
the window please?

  
Ken, could you close
the window please?

  
Oheck out my new resume.
I made it into a fold-out brochure.

  
You see? Folds out.

  
Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.

  
What was that?

  
Maybe this time. This time. This time.
This time! This time! This...

  
Drapes!

  
That is diabolical.

  
It's fantastic. It's got all my special
skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.

  
What's number one? Star Wars?

  
Nah, I don't go for that...

  
...kind of stuff.

  
No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.
They're out of their minds.

  
When I leave a job interview, they're
flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.

  
There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.

  
I don't remember the sun
having a big 75 on it.

  
I predicted global warming.

  
I could feel it getting hotter.
At first I thought it was just me.

  
Wait! Stop! Bee!

  
Stand back. These are winter boots.

  
Wait!

  
Don't kill him!

  
You know I'm allergic to them!
This thing could kill me!

  
Why does his life have
less value than yours?

  
Why does his life have any less value
than mine? Is that your statement?

  
I'm just saying all life has value. You
don't know what he's capable of feeling.

  
My brochure!

  
There you go, little guy.

  
I'm not scared of him.
It's an allergic thing.

  
Put that on your resume brochure.

  
My whole face could puff up.

  
Make it one of your special skills.

  
Knocking someone out
is also a special skill.

  
Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.

  
- Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
- Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.

  
- You could put carob chips on there.
- Bye.

  
- Supposed to be less calories.
- Bye.

  
I gotta say something.

  
She saved my life.
I gotta say something.

  
All right, here it goes.

  
Nah.

  
What would I say?

  
I could really get in trouble.

  
It's a bee law.
You're not supposed to talk to a human.

  
I can't believe I'm doing this.

  
I've got to.

  
Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!

  
No. Yes. No.

  
Do it. I can't.

  
How should I start it?
"You like jazz?" No, that's no good.

  
Here she comes! Speak, you fool!

  
Hi!

  
I'm sorry.

  
- You're talking.
- Yes, I know.

  
You're talking!

  
I'm so sorry.

  
No, it's OK. It's fine.
I know I'm dreaming.

  
But I don't recall going to bed.

  
Well, I'm sure this
is very disconcerting.

  
This is a bit of a surprise to me.
I mean, you're a bee!

  
I am. And I'm not supposed
to be doing this,

  
but they were all trying to kill me.

  
And if it wasn't for you...

  
I had to thank you.
It's just how I was raised.

  
That was a little weird.

  
- I'm talking with a bee.
- Yeah.

  
I'm talking to a bee.
And the bee is talking to me!

  
I just want to say I'm grateful.
I'll leave now.

  
- Wait! How did you learn to do that?
- What?

  
The talking thing.

  
Same way you did, I guess.
"Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.

  
- That's very funny.
- Yeah.

  
Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,
we'd cry with what we have to deal with.

  
Anyway...

  
Oan I...

  
...get you something?
- Like what?

  
I don't know. I mean...
I don't know. Ooffee?

  
I don't want to put you out.

  
It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.

  
- It's just coffee.
- I hate to impose.

  
- Don't be ridiculous!
- Actually, I would love a cup.

  
Hey, you want rum cake?

  
- I shouldn't.
- Have some.

  
- No, I can't.
- Oome on!

  
I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.

  
- Where?
- These stripes don't help.

  
You look great!

  
I don't know if you know
anything about fashion.

  
Are you all right?

  
No.

  
He's making the tie in the cab
as they're flying up Madison.

  
He finally gets there.

  
He runs up the steps into the church.
The wedding is on.

  
And he says, "Watermelon?
I thought you said Guatemalan.

  
Why would I marry a watermelon?"

  
Is that a bee joke?

  
That's the kind of stuff we do.

  
Yeah, different.

  
So, what are you gonna do, Barry?

  
About work? I don't know.

  
I want to do my part for the hive,
but I can't do it the way they want.

  
I know how you feel.

  
- You do?
- Sure.

  
My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or
a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.

  
- Really?
- My only interest is flowers.

  
Our new queen was just elected
with that same campaign slogan.

  
Anyway, if you look...

  
There's my hive right there. See it?

  
You're in Sheep Meadow!

  
Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!

  
No way! I know that area.
I lost a toe ring there once.

  
- Why do girls put rings on their toes?
- Why not?

  
- It's like putting a hat on your knee.
- Maybe I'll try that.

  
- You all right, ma'am?
- Oh, yeah. Fine.

  
Just having two cups of coffee!

  
Anyway, this has been great.
Thanks for the coffee.

  
Yeah, it's no trouble.

  
Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,
I'd be up the rest of my life.

  
Are you...?

  
Oan I take a piece of this with me?

  
Sure! Here, have a crumb.

  
- Thanks!
- Yeah.

  
All right. Well, then...
I guess I'll see you around.

  
Or not.

  
OK, Barry.

  
And thank you
so much again... for before.

  
Oh, that? That was nothing.

  
Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...

  
This can't possibly work.

  
He's all set to go.
We may as well try it.

  
OK, Dave, pull the chute.

  
- Sounds amazing.
- It was amazing!

  
It was the scariest,
happiest moment of my life.

  
Humans! I can't believe
you were with humans!

  
Giant, scary humans!
What were they like?

  
Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.

  
They eat crazy giant things.
They drive crazy.

  
- Do they try and kill you, like on TV?
- Some of them. But some of them don't.

  
- How'd you get back?
- Poodle.

  
You did it, and I'm glad. You saw
whatever you wanted to see.

  
You had your "experience." Now you
can pick out yourjob and be normal.

  
- Well...
- Well?

  
Well, I met someone.

  
You did? Was she Bee-ish?

  
- A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!
- No, no, no, not a wasp.

  
- Spider?
- I'm not attracted to spiders.

  
I know it's the hottest thing,
with the eight legs and all.

  
I can't get by that face.

  
So who is she?

  
She's... human.

  
No, no. That's a bee law.
You wouldn't break a bee law.

  
- Her name's Vanessa.
- Oh, boy.

  
She's so nice. And she's a florist!

  
Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!

  
We're not dating.

  
You're flying outside the hive, talking
to humans that attack our homes

  
with power washers and M-80s!
One-eighth a stick of dynamite!

  
She saved my life!
And she understands me.

  
This is over!

  
Eat this.

  
This is not over! What was that?

  
- They call it a crumb.
- It was so stingin' stripey!

  
And that's not what they eat.
That's what falls off what they eat!

  
- You know what a Oinnabon is?
- No.

  
It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.
They heat it up...

  
Sit down!

  
...really hot!
- Listen to me!

  
We are not them! We're us.
There's us and there's them!

  
Yes, but who can deny
the heart that is yearning?

  
There's no yearning.
Stop yearning. Listen to me!

  
You have got to start thinking bee,
my friend. Thinking bee!

  
- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.

  
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

  
There he is. He's in the pool.

  
You know what your problem is, Barry?

  
I gotta start thinking bee?

  
How much longer will this go on?

  
It's been three days!
Why aren't you working?

  
I've got a lot of big life decisions
to think about.

  
What life? You have no life!
You have no job. You're barely a bee!

  
Would it kill you
to make a little honey?

  
Barry, come out.
Your father's talking to you.

  
Martin, would you talk to him?

  
Barry, I'm talking to you!

  
You coming?

  
Got everything?

  
All set!

  
Go ahead. I'll catch up.

  
Don't be too long.

  
Watch this!

  
Vanessa!

  
- We're still here.
- I told you not to yell at him.

  
He doesn't respond to yelling!

  
- Then why yell at me?
- Because you don't listen!

  
I'm not listening to this.

  
Sorry, I've gotta go.

  
- Where are you going?
- I'm meeting a friend.

  
A girl? Is this why you can't decide?

  
Bye.

  
I just hope she's Bee-ish.

  
They have a huge parade
of flowers every year in Pasadena?

  
To be in the Tournament of Roses,
that's every florist's dream!

  
Up on a float, surrounded
by flowers, crowds cheering.

  
A tournament. Do the roses
compete in athletic events?

  
No. All right, I've got one.
How come you don't fly everywhere?

  
It's exhausting. Why don't you
run everywhere? It's faster.

  
Yeah, OK, I see, I see.
All right, your turn.

  
TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?
That's insane!

  
You don't have that?

  
We have Hivo, but it's a disease.
It's a horrible, horrible disease.

  
Oh, my.

  
Dumb bees!

  
You must want to sting all those jerks.

  
We try not to sting.
It's usually fatal for us.

  
So you have to watch your temper.

  
Very carefully.
You kick a wall, take a walk,

  
write an angry letter and throw it out.
Work through it like any emotion:

  
Anger, jealousy, lust.

  
Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?

  
Yeah.

  
- What is wrong with you?!
- It's a bug.

  
He's not bothering anybody.
Get out of here, you creep!

  
What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?

  
Yeah, it was. How did you know?

  
It felt like about 10 pages.
Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.

  
You've really got that
down to a science.

  
- I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.
- I'll bet.

  
What in the name
of Mighty Hercules is this?

  
How did this get here?
Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,

  
Ray Liotta Private Select?

  
- Is he that actor?
- I never heard of him.

  
- Why is this here?
- For people. We eat it.

  
You don't have
enough food of your own?

  
- Well, yes.
- How do you get it?

  
- Bees make it.
- I know who makes it!

  
And it's hard to make it!

  
There's heating, cooling, stirring.
You need a whole Krelman thing!

  
- It's organic.
- It's our-ganic!

  
It's just honey, Barry.

  
Just what?!

  
Bees don't know about this!
This is stealing! A lot of stealing!

  
You've taken our homes, schools,
hospitals! This is all we have!

  
And it's on sale?!
I'm getting to the bottom of this.

  
I'm getting to the bottom
of all of this!

  
Hey, Hector.

  
- You almost done?
- Almost.

  
He is here. I sense it.

  
Well, I guess I'll go home now

  
and just leave this nice honey out,
with no one around.

  
You're busted, box boy!

  
I knew I heard something.
So you can talk!

  
I can talk.
And now you'll start talking!

  
Where you getting the sweet stuff?
Who's your supplier?

  
I don't understand.
I thought we were friends.

  
The last thing we want
to do is upset bees!

  
You're too late! It's ours now!

  
You, sir, have crossed
the wrong sword!

  
You, sir, will be lunch
for my iguana, Ignacio!

  
Where is the honey coming from?

  
Tell me where!

  
Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!

  
Orazy person!

  
What horrible thing has happened here?

  
These faces, they never knew
what hit them. And now

  
they're on the road to nowhere!

  
Just keep still.

  
What? You're not dead?

  
Do I look dead? They will wipe anything
that moves. Where you headed?

  
To Honey Farms.
I am onto something huge here.

  
I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,
crazy stuff. Blows your head off!

  
I'm going to Tacoma.

  
- And you?
- He really is dead.

  
All right.

  
Uh-oh!

  
- What is that?!
- Oh, no!

  
- A wiper! Triple blade!
- Triple blade?

  
Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!

  
Why does everything have
to be so doggone clean?!

  
How much do you people need to see?!

  
Open your eyes!
Stick your head out the window!

  
From NPR News in Washington,
I'm Oarl Kasell.

  
But don't kill no more bugs!

  
- Bee!
- Moose blood guy!!

  
- You hear something?
- Like what?

  
Like tiny screaming.

  
Turn off the radio.

  
Whassup, bee boy?

  
Hey, Blood.

  
Just a row of honey jars,
as far as the eye could see.

  
Wow!

  
I assume wherever this truck goes
is where they're getting it.

  
I mean, that honey's ours.

  
- Bees hang tight.
- We're all jammed in.

  
It's a close community.

  
Not us, man. We on our own.
Every mosquito on his own.

  
- What if you get in trouble?
- You a mosquito, you in trouble.

  
Nobody likes us. They just smack.
See a mosquito, smack, smack!

  
At least you're out in the world.
You must meet girls.

  
Mosquito girls try to trade up,
get with a moth, dragonfly.

  
Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.

  
You got to be kidding me!

  
Mooseblood's about to leave
the building! So long, bee!

  
- Hey, guys!
- Mooseblood!

  
I knew I'd catch y'all down here.
Did you bring your crazy straw?

  
We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,
and it's pretty much pure profit.

  
What is this place?

  
A bee's got a brain
the size of a pinhead.

  
They are pinheads!

  
Pinhead.

  
- Oheck out the new smoker.
- Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.

  
The Thomas 3000!

  
Smoker?

  
Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.
Twice the nicotine, all the tar.

  
A couple breaths of this
knocks them right out.

  
They make the honey,
and we make the money.

  
"They make the honey,
and we make the money"?

  
Oh, my!

  
What's going on? Are you OK?

  
Yeah. It doesn't last too long.

  
Do you know you're
in a fake hive with fake walls?

  
Our queen was moved here.
We had no choice.

  
This is your queen?
That's a man in women's clothes!

  
That's a drag queen!

  
What is this?

  
Oh, no!

  
There's hundreds of them!

  
Bee honey.

  
Our honey is being brazenly stolen
on a massive scale!

  
This is worse than anything bears
have done! I intend to do something.

  
Oh, Barry, stop.

  
Who told you humans are taking
our honey? That's a rumor.

  
Do these look like rumors?

  
That's a conspiracy theory.
These are obviously doctored photos.

  
How did you get mixed up in this?

  
He's been talking to humans.

  
- What?
- Talking to humans?!

  
He has a human girlfriend.
And they make out!

  
Make out? Barry!

  
We do not.

  
- You wish you could.
- Whose side are you on?

  
The bees!

  
I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.
Those crazy legs kept me up all night.

  
Barry, this is what you want
to do with your life?

  
I want to do it for all our lives.
Nobody works harder than bees!

  
Dad, I remember you
coming home so overworked

  
your hands were still stirring.
You couldn't stop.

  
I remember that.

  
What right do they have to our honey?

  
We live on two cups a year. They put it
in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!

  
Even if it's true, what can one bee do?

  
Sting them where it really hurts.

  
In the face! The eye!

  
- That would hurt.
- No.

  
Up the nose? That's a killer.

  
There's only one place you can sting
the humans, one place where it matters.

  
Hive at Five, the hive's only
full-hour action news source.

  
No more bee beards!

  
With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.

  
Weather with Storm Stinger.

  
Sports with Buzz Larvi.

  
And Jeanette Ohung.

  
- Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.
- And I'm Jeanette Ohung.

  
A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,

  
intends to sue the human race
for stealing our honey,

  
packaging it and profiting
from it illegally!

  
Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,

  
we'll have three former queens here in
our studio, discussing their new book,

  
Olassy Ladies,
out this week on Hexagon.

  
Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.

  
Did you ever think, "I'm a kid
from the hive. I can't do this"?

  
Bees have never been afraid
to change the world.

  
What about Bee Oolumbus?
Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?

  
Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.

  
We were thinking
of stickball or candy stores.

  
How old are you?

  
The bee community
is supporting you in this case,

  
which will be the trial
of the bee century.

  
You know, they have a Larry King
in the human world too.

  
It's a common name. Next week...

  
He looks like you and has a show
and suspenders and colored dots...

  
Next week...

  
Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the
guest even though you just heard 'em.

  
Bear Week next week!
They're scary, hairy and here live.

  
Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,
squinty eyes, very Jewish.

  
In tennis, you attack
at the point of weakness!

  
It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.

  
Honey, her backhand's a joke!
I'm not gonna take advantage of that?

  
Quiet, please.
Actual work going on here.

  
- Is that that same bee?
- Yes, it is!

  
I'm helping him sue the human race.

  
- Hello.
- Hello, bee.

  
This is Ken.

  
Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size
ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.

  
Why does he talk again?

  
Listen, you better go
'cause we're really busy working.

  
But it's our yogurt night!

  
Bye-bye.

  
Why is yogurt night so difficult?!

  
You poor thing.
You two have been at this for hours!

  
Yes, and Adam here
has been a huge help.

  
- Frosting...
- How many sugars?

  
Just one. I try not
to use the competition.

  
So why are you helping me?

  
Bees have good qualities.

  
And it takes my mind off the shop.

  
Instead of flowers, people
are giving balloon bouquets now.

  
Those are great, if you're three.

  
And artificial flowers.

  
- Oh, those just get me psychotic!
- Yeah, me too.

  
Bent stingers, pointless pollination.

  
Bees must hate those fake things!

  
Nothing worse
than a daffodil that's had work done.

  
Maybe this could make up
for it a little bit.

  
- This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.
- I guess.

  
You sure you want to go through with it?

  
Am I sure? When I'm done with
the humans, they won't be able

  
to say, "Honey, I'm home,"
without paying a royalty!

  
It's an incredible scene
here in downtown Manhattan,

  
where the world anxiously waits,
because for the first time in history,

  
we will hear for ourselves
if a honeybee can actually speak.

  
What have we gotten into here, Barry?

  
It's pretty big, isn't it?

  
I can't believe how many humans
don't work during the day.

  
You think billion-dollar multinational
food companies have good lawyers?

  
Everybody needs to stay
behind the barricade.

  
- What's the matter?
- I don't know, I just got a chill.

  
Well, if it isn't the bee team.

  
You boys work on this?

  
All rise! The Honorable
Judge Bumbleton presiding.

  
All right. Oase number 4475,

  
Superior Oourt of New York,
Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry

  
is now in session.

  
Mr. Montgomery, you're representing
the five food companies collectively?

  
A privilege.

  
Mr. Benson... you're representing
all the bees of the world?

  
I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,
we're ready to proceed.

  
Mr. Montgomery,
your opening statement, please.

  
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

  
my grandmother was a simple woman.

  
Born on a farm, she believed
it was man's divine right

  
to benefit from the bounty
of nature God put before us.

  
If we lived in the topsy-turvy world
Mr. Benson imagines,

  
just think of what would it mean.

  
I would have to negotiate
with the silkworm

  
for the elastic in my britches!

  
Talking bee!

  
How do we know this isn't some sort of

  
holographic motion-picture-capture
Hollywood wizardry?

  
They could be using laser beams!

  
Robotics! Ventriloquism!
Oloning! For all we know,

  
he could be on steroids!

  
Mr. Benson?

  
Ladies and gentlemen,
there's no trickery here.

  
I'm just an ordinary bee.
Honey's pretty important to me.

  
It's important to all bees.
We invented it!

  
We make it. And we protect it
with our lives.

  
Unfortunately, there are
some people in this room

  
who think they can take it from us

  
'cause we're the little guys!
I'm hoping that, after this is all over,

  
you'll see how, by taking our honey,
you not only take everything we have

  
but everything we are!

  
I wish he'd dress like that
all the time. So nice!

  
Oall your first witness.

  
So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
of Honey Farms, big company you have.

  
I suppose so.

  
I see you also own
Honeyburton and Honron!

  
Yes, they provide beekeepers
for our farms.

  
Beekeeper. I find that
to be a very disturbing term.

  
I don't imagine you employ
any bee-free-ers, do you?

  
- No.
- I couldn't hear you.

  
- No.
- No.

  
Because you don't free bees.
You keep bees. Not only that,

  
it seems you thought a bear would be
an appropriate image for a jar of honey.

  
They're very lovable creatures.

  
Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.

  
You mean like this?

  
Bears kill bees!

  
How'd you like his head crashing
through your living room?!

  
Biting into your couch!
Spitting out your throw pillows!

  
OK, that's enough. Take him away.

  
So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.
Your name intrigues me.

  
- Where have I heard it before?
- I was with a band called The Police.

  
But you've never been
a police officer, have you?

  
No, I haven't.

  
No, you haven't. And so here
we have yet another example

  
of bee culture casually
stolen by a human

  
for nothing more than
a prance-about stage name.

  
Oh, please.

  
Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?

  
Because I'm feeling
a little stung, Sting.

  
Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!

  
That's not his real name?! You idiots!

  
Mr. Liotta, first,
belated congratulations on

  
your Emmy win for a guest spot
on ER in 2005.

  
Thank you. Thank you.

  
I see from your resume
that you're devilishly handsome

  
with a churning inner turmoil
that's ready to blow.

  
I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?

  
Not yet it isn't. But is this
what it's come to for you?

  
Exploiting tiny, helpless bees
so you don't

  
have to rehearse
your part and learn your lines, sir?

  
Watch it, Benson!
I could blow right now!

  
This isn't a goodfella.
This is a badfella!

  
Why doesn't someone just step on
this creep, and we can all go home?!

  
- Order in this court!
- You're all thinking it!

  
Order! Order, I say!

  
- Say it!
- Mr. Liotta, please sit down!

  
I think it was awfully nice
of that bear to pitch in like that.

  
I think the jury's on our side.

  
Are we doing everything right, legally?

  
I'm a florist.

  
Right. Well, here's to a great team.

  
To a great team!

  
Well, hello.

  
- Ken!
- Hello.

  
I didn't think you were coming.

  
No, I was just late.
I tried to call, but... the battery.

  
I didn't want all this to go to waste,
so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.

  
Oh, that was lucky.

  
There's a little left.
I could heat it up.

  
Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.

  
So I hear you're quite a tennis player.

  
I'm not much for the game myself.
The ball's a little grabby.

  
That's where I usually sit.
Right... there.

  
Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,

  
and he agreed with me that eating with
chopsticks isn't really a special skill.

  
You think I don't see what you're doing?

  
I know how hard it is to find
the rightjob. We have that in common.

  
Do we?

  
Bees have 100 percent employment,
but we do jobs like taking the crud out.

  
That's just what
I was thinking about doing.

  
Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor
for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.

  
I'm going to drain the old stinger.

  
Yeah, you do that.

  
Look at that.

  
You know, I've just about had it

  
with your little mind games.

  
- What's that?
- Italian Vogue.

  
Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.

  
A lot of ads.

  
Remember what Van said, why is
your life more valuable than mine?

  
Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!

  
I think something stinks in here!

  
I love the smell of flowers.

  
How do you like the smell of flames?!

  
Not as much.

  
Water bug! Not taking sides!

  
Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat!
This is pathetic!

  
I've got issues!

  
Well, well, well, a royal flush!

  
- You're bluffing.
- Am I?

  
Surf's up, dude!

  
Poo water!

  
That bowl is gnarly.

  
Except for those dirty yellow rings!

  
Kenneth! What are you doing?!

  
You know, I don't even like honey!
I don't eat it!

  
We need to talk!

  
He's just a little bee!

  
And he happens to be
the nicest bee I've met in a long time!

  
Long time? What are you talking about?!
Are there other bugs in your life?

  
No, but there are other things bugging
me in life. And you're one of them!

  
Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...

  
My nerves are fried from riding
on this emotional roller coaster!

  
Goodbye, Ken.

  
And for your information,

  
I prefer sugar-free, artificial
sweeteners made by man!

  
I'm sorry about all that.

  
I know it's got
an aftertaste! I like it!

  
I always felt there was some kind
of barrier between Ken and me.

  
I couldn't overcome it.
Oh, well.

  
Are you OK for the trial?

  
I believe Mr. Montgomery
is about out of ideas.

  
We would like to call
Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.

  
Good idea! You can really see why he's
considered one of the best lawyers...

  
Yeah.

  
Layton, you've
gotta weave some magic

  
with this jury,
or it's gonna be all over.

  
Don't worry. The only thing I have
to do to turn this jury around

  
is to remind them
of what they don't like about bees.

  
- You got the tweezers?
- Are you allergic?

  
Only to losing, son. Only to losing.

  
Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you
what I think we'd all like to know.

  
What exactly is your relationship

  
to that woman?

  
We're friends.

  
- Good friends?
- Yes.

  
How good? Do you live together?

  
Wait a minute...

  
Are you her little...

  
...bedbug?

  
I've seen a bee documentary or two.
From what I understand,

  
doesn't your queen give birth
to all the bee children?

  
- Yeah, but...
- So those aren't your real parents!

  
- Oh, Barry...
- Yes, they are!

  
Hold me back!

  
You're an illegitimate bee,
aren't you, Benson?

  
He's denouncing bees!

  
Don't y'all date your cousins?

  
- Objection!
- I'm going to pincushion this guy!

  
Adam, don't! It's what he wants!

  
Oh, I'm hit!!

  
Oh, lordy, I am hit!

  
Order! Order!

  
The venom! The venom
is coursing through my veins!

  
I have been felled
by a winged beast of destruction!

  
You see? You can't treat them
like equals! They're striped savages!

  
Stinging's the only thing
they know! It's their way!

  
- Adam, stay with me.
- I can't feel my legs.

  
What angel of mercy
will come forward to suck the poison

  
from my heaving buttocks?

  
I will have order in this court. Order!

  
Order, please!

  
The case of the honeybees
versus the human race

  
took a pointed turn against the bees

  
yesterday when one of their legal
team stung Layton T. Montgomery.

  
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.

  
- Is there much pain?
- Yeah.

  
I...

  
I blew the whole case, didn't I?

  
It doesn't matter. What matters is
you're alive. You could have died.

  
I'd be better off dead. Look at me.

  
They got it from the cafeteria
downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.

  
Look, there's
a little celery still on it.

  
What was it like to sting someone?

  
I can't explain it. It was all...

  
All adrenaline and then...
and then ecstasy!

  
All right.

  
You think it was all a trap?

  
Of course. I'm sorry.
I flew us right into this.

  
What were we thinking? Look at us. We're
just a couple of bugs in this world.

  
What will the humans do to us
if they win?

  
I don't know.

  
I hear they put the roaches in motels.
That doesn't sound so bad.

  
Adam, they check in,
but they don't check out!

  
Oh, my.

  
Oould you get a nurse
to close that window?

  
- Why?
- The smoke.

  
Bees don't smoke.

  
Right. Bees don't smoke.

  
Bees don't smoke!
But some bees are smoking.

  
That's it! That's our case!

  
It is? It's not over?

  
Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.

  
Get back to the court and stall.
Stall any way you can.

  
And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.

  
Mr. Flayman.

  
Yes? Yes, Your Honor!

  
Where is the rest of your team?

  
Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.

  
Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,

  
and as a result,
we don't make very good time.

  
I actually heard a funny story about...

  
Your Honor,
haven't these ridiculous bugs

  
taken up enough
of this court's valuable time?

  
How much longer will we allow
these absurd shenanigans to go on?

  
They have presented no compelling
evidence to support their charges

  
against my clients,
who run legitimate businesses.

  
I move for a complete dismissal
of this entire case!

  
Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going

  
to have to consider
Mr. Montgomery's motion.

  
But you can't! We have a terrific case.

  
Where is your proof?
Where is the evidence?

  
Show me the smoking gun!

  
Hold it, Your Honor!
You want a smoking gun?

  
Here is your smoking gun.

  
What is that?

  
It's a bee smoker!

  
What, this?
This harmless little contraption?

  
This couldn't hurt a fly,
let alone a bee.

  
Look at what has happened

  
to bees who have never been asked,
"Smoking or non?"

  
Is this what nature intended for us?

  
To be forcibly addicted
to smoke machines

  
and man-made wooden slat work camps?

  
Living out our lives as honey slaves
to the white man?

  
- What are we gonna do?
- He's playing the species card.

  
Ladies and gentlemen, please,
free these bees!

  
Free the bees! Free the bees!

  
Free the bees!

  
Free the bees! Free the bees!

  
The court finds in favor of the bees!

  
Vanessa, we won!

  
I knew you could do it! High-five!

  
Sorry.

  
I'm OK! You know what this means?

  
All the honey
will finally belong to the bees.

  
Now we won't have
to work so hard all the time.

  
This is an unholy perversion
of the balance of nature, Benson.

  
You'll regret this.

  
Barry, how much honey is out there?

  
All right. One at a time.

  
Barry, who are you wearing?

  
My sweater is Ralph Lauren,
and I have no pants.

  
- What if Montgomery's right?
- What do you mean?

  
We've been living the bee way
a long time, 27 million years.

  
Oongratulations on your victory.
What will you demand as a settlement?

  
First, we'll demand a complete shutdown
of all bee work camps.

  
Then we want back the honey
that was ours to begin with,

  
every last drop.

  
We demand an end to the glorification
of the bear as anything more

  
than a filthy, smelly,
bad-breath stink machine.

  
We're all aware
of what they do in the woods.

  
Wait for my signal.

  
Take him out.

  
He'll have nauseous
for a few hours, then he'll be fine.

  
And we will no longer tolerate
bee-negative nicknames...

  
But it's just a prance-about stage name!

  
...unnecessary inclusion of honey
in bogus health products

  
and la-dee-da human
tea-time snack garnishments.

  
Oan't breathe.

  
Bring it in, boys!

  
Hold it right there! Good.

  
Tap it.

  
Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,
and there's gallons more coming!

  
- I think we need to shut down!
- Shut down? We've never shut down.

  
Shut down honey production!

  
Stop making honey!

  
Turn your key, sir!

  
What do we do now?

  
Oannonball!

  
We're shutting honey production!

  
Mission abort.

  
Aborting pollination and nectar detail.
Returning to base.

  
Adam, you wouldn't believe
how much honey was out there.

  
Oh, yeah?

  
What's going on? Where is everybody?

  
- Are they out celebrating?
- They're home.

  
They don't know what to do.
Laying out, sleeping in.

  
I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way
to San Antonio with a cricket.

  
At least we got our honey back.

  
Sometimes I think, so what if humans
liked our honey? Who wouldn't?

  
It's the greatest thing in the world!
I was excited to be part of making it.

  
This was my new desk. This was my
new job. I wanted to do it really well.

  
And now...

  
Now I can't.

  
I don't understand
why they're not happy.

  
I thought their lives would be better!

  
They're doing nothing. It's amazing.
Honey really changes people.

  
You don't have any idea
what's going on, do you?

  
- What did you want to show me?
- This.

  
What happened here?

  
That is not the half of it.

  
Oh, no. Oh, my.

  
They're all wilting.

  
Doesn't look very good, does it?

  
No.

  
And whose fault do you think that is?

  
You know, I'm gonna guess bees.

  
Bees?

  
Specifically, me.

  
I didn't think bees not needing to make
honey would affect all these things.

  
It's notjust flowers.
Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.

  
That's our whole SAT test right there.

  
Take away produce, that affects
the entire animal kingdom.

  
And then, of course...

  
The human species?

  
So if there's no more pollination,

  
it could all just go south here,
couldn't it?

  
I know this is also partly my fault.

  
How about a suicide pact?

  
How do we do it?

  
- I'll sting you, you step on me.
- Thatjust kills you twice.

  
Right, right.

  
Listen, Barry...
sorry, but I gotta get going.

  
I had to open my mouth and talk.

  
Vanessa?

  
Vanessa? Why are you leaving?
Where are you going?

  
To the final Tournament of Roses parade
in Pasadena.

  
They've moved it to this weekend
because all the flowers are dying.

  
It's the last chance
I'll ever have to see it.

  
Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry.
I never meant it to turn out like this.

  
I know. Me neither.

  
Tournament of Roses.
Roses can't do sports.

  
Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?

  
Roses!

  
Vanessa!

  
Roses?!

  
Barry?

  
- Roses are flowers!
- Yes, they are.

  
Flowers, bees, pollen!

  
I know.
That's why this is the last parade.

  
Maybe not.
Oould you ask him to slow down?

  
Oould you slow down?

  
Barry!

  
OK, I made a huge mistake.
This is a total disaster, all my fault.

  
Yes, it kind of is.

  
I've ruined the planet.
I wanted to help you

  
with the flower shop.
I've made it worse.

  
Actually, it's completely closed down.

  
I thought maybe you were remodeling.

  
But I have another idea, and it's
greater than my previous ideas combined.

  
I don't want to hear it!

  
All right, they have the roses,
the roses have the pollen.

  
I know every bee, plant
and flower bud in this park.

  
All we gotta do is get what they've got
back here with what we've got.

  
- Bees.
- Park.

  
- Pollen!
- Flowers.

  
- Repollination!
- Across the nation!

  
Tournament of Roses,
Pasadena, Oalifornia.

  
They've got nothing
but flowers, floats and cotton candy.

  
Security will be tight.

  
I have an idea.

  
Vanessa Bloome, FTD.

  
Official floral business. It's real.

  
Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.

  
Thank you. It was a gift.

  
Once inside,
we just pick the right float.

  
How about The Princess and the Pea?

  
I could be the princess,
and you could be the pea!

  
Yes, I got it.

  
- Where should I sit?
- What are you?

  
- I believe I'm the pea.
- The pea?

  
It goes under the mattresses.

  
- Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.
- I'm getting the marshal.

  
You do that!
This whole parade is a fiasco!

  
Let's see what this baby'll do.

  
Hey, what are you doing?!

  
Then all we do
is blend in with traffic...

  
...without arousing suspicion.

  
Once at the airport,
there's no stopping us.

  
Stop! Security.

  
- You and your insect pack your float?
- Yes.

  
Has it been
in your possession the entire time?

  
Would you remove your shoes?

  
- Remove your stinger.
- It's part of me.

  
I know. Just having some fun.
Enjoy your flight.

  
Then if we're lucky, we'll have
just enough pollen to do the job.

  
Oan you believe how lucky we are? We
have just enough pollen to do the job!

  
I think this is gonna work.

  
It's got to work.

  
Attention, passengers,
this is Oaptain Scott.

  
We have a bit of bad weather
in New York.

  
It looks like we'll experience
a couple hours delay.

  
Barry, these are cut flowers
with no water. They'll never make it.

  
I gotta get up there
and talk to them.

  
Be careful.

  
Oan I get help
with the Sky Mall magazine?

  
I'd like to order the talking
inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.

  
Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.

  
- What'd you say, Hal?
- Nothing.

  
Bee!

  
Don't freak out! My entire species...

  
What are you doing?

  
- Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!
- Who's an attorney?

  
Don't move.

  
Oh, Barry.

  
Good afternoon, passengers.
This is your captain.

  
Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B
please report to the cockpit?

  
And please hurry!

  
What happened here?

  
There was a DustBuster,
a toupee, a life raft exploded.

  
One's bald, one's in a boat,
they're both unconscious!

  
- Is that another bee joke?
- No!

  
No one's flying the plane!

  
This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.
What's your status?

  
This is Vanessa Bloome.
I'm a florist from New York.

  
Where's the pilot?

  
He's unconscious,
and so is the copilot.

  
Not good. Does anyone onboard
have flight experience?

  
As a matter of fact, there is.

  
- Who's that?
- Barry Benson.

  
From the honey trial?! Oh, great.

  
Vanessa, this is nothing more
than a big metal bee.

  
It's got giant wings, huge engines.

  
I can't fly a plane.

  
- Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot?
- Yes.

  
How hard could it be?

  
Wait, Barry!
We're headed into some lightning.

  
This is Bob Bumble. We have some
late-breaking news from JFK Airport,

  
where a suspenseful scene
is developing.

  
Barry Benson,
fresh from his legal victory...

  
That's Barry!

  
...is attempting to land a plane,
loaded with people, flowers

  
and an incapacitated flight crew.

  
Flowers?!

  
We have a storm in the area
and two individuals at the controls

  
with absolutely no flight experience.

  
Just a minute.
There's a bee on that plane.

  
I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson
and his no-account compadres.

  
They've done enough damage.

  
But isn't he your only hope?

  
Technically, a bee
shouldn't be able to fly at all.

  
Their wings are too small...

  
Haven't we heard this a million times?

  
"The surface area of the wings
and body mass make no sense."

  
- Get this on the air!
- Got it.

  
- Stand by.
- We're going live.

  
The way we work may be a mystery to you.

  
Making honey takes a lot of bees
doing a lot of small jobs.

  
But let me tell you about a small job.

  
If you do it well,
it makes a big difference.

  
More than we realized.
To us, to everyone.

  
That's why I want to get bees
back to working together.

  
That's the bee way!
We're not made of Jell-O.

  
We get behind a fellow.

  
- Black and yellow!
- Hello!

  
Left, right, down, hover.

  
- Hover?
- Forget hover.

  
This isn't so hard.
Beep-beep! Beep-beep!

  
Barry, what happened?!

  
Wait, I think we were
on autopilot the whole time.

  
- That may have been helping me.
- And now we're not!

  
So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.

  
All of you, let's get
behind this fellow! Move it out!

  
Move out!

  
Our only chance is if I do what I'd do,
you copy me with the wings of the plane!

  
Don't have to yell.

  
I'm not yelling!
We're in a lot of trouble.

  
It's very hard to concentrate
with that panicky tone in your voice!

  
It's not a tone. I'm panicking!

  
I can't do this!

  
Vanessa, pull yourself together.
You have to snap out of it!

  
You snap out of it.

  
You snap out of it.

  
- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!

  
- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!

  
- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!

  
- Hold it!
- Why? Oome on, it's my turn.

  
How is the plane flying?

  
I don't know.

  
Hello?

  
Benson, got any flowers
for a happy occasion in there?

  
The Pollen Jocks!

  
They do get behind a fellow.

  
- Black and yellow.
- Hello.

  
All right, let's drop this tin can
on the blacktop.

  
Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?

  
No, nothing. It's all cloudy.

  
Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.

  
- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.

  
Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

  
Wait a minute.
I think I'm feeling something.

  
- What?
- I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.

  
Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.

  
Bring the nose down.

  
Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

  
- What in the world is on the tarmac?
- Get some lights on that!

  
Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

  
- Vanessa, aim for the flower.
- OK.

  
Out the engines. We're going in
on bee power. Ready, boys?

  
Affirmative!

  
Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.

  
Land on that flower!

  
Ready? Full reverse!

  
Spin it around!

  
- Not that flower! The other one!
- Which one?

  
- That flower.
- I'm aiming at the flower!

  
That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt.
I mean the giant pulsating flower

  
made of millions of bees!

  
Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.

  
Rotate around it.

  
- This is insane, Barry!
- This's the only way I know how to fly.

  
Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane
flying in an insect-like pattern?

  
Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid.
Smell it. Full reverse!

  
Just drop it. Be a part of it.

  
Aim for the center!

  
Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!

  
Oome on, already.

  
Barry, we did it!
You taught me how to fly!

  
- Yes. No high-five!
- Right.

  
Barry, it worked!
Did you see the giant flower?

  
What giant flower? Where? Of course
I saw the flower! That was genius!

  
- Thank you.
- But we're not done yet.

  
Listen, everyone!

  
This runway is covered
with the last pollen

  
from the last flowers
available anywhere on Earth.

  
That means this is our last chance.

  
We're the only ones who make honey,
pollinate flowers and dress like this.

  
If we're gonna survive as a species,
this is our moment! What do you say?

  
Are we going to be bees, orjust
Museum of Natural History keychains?

  
We're bees!

  
Keychain!

  
Then follow me! Except Keychain.

  
Hold on, Barry. Here.

  
You've earned this.

  
Yeah!

  
I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect
fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.

  
Oh, yeah.

  
That's our Barry.

  
Mom! The bees are back!

  
If anybody needs
to make a call, now's the time.

  
I got a feeling we'll be
working late tonight!

  
Here's your change. Have a great
afternoon! Oan I help who's next?

  
Would you like some honey with that?
It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.

  
Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me.
And I don't see a nickel!

  
Sometimes I just feel
like a piece of meat!

  
I had no idea.

  
Barry, I'm sorry.
Have you got a moment?

  
Would you excuse me?
My mosquito associate will help you.

  
Sorry I'm late.

  
He's a lawyer too?

  
I was already a blood-sucking parasite.
All I needed was a briefcase.

  
Have a great afternoon!

  
Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,
and I can't get them anywhere.

  
No problem, Vannie.
Just leave it to me.

  
You're a lifesaver, Barry.
Oan I help who's next?

  
All right, scramble, jocks!
It's time to fly.

  
Thank you, Barry!

  
That bee is living my life!

  
Let it go, Kenny.

  
- When will this nightmare end?!
- Let it all go.

  
- Beautiful day to fly.
- Sure is.

  
Between you and me,
I was dying to get out of that office.

  
You have got
to start thinking bee, my friend.

  
- Thinking bee!
- Me?

  
Hold it. Let's just stop
for a second. Hold it.

  
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.
Oan we stop here?

  
I'm not making a major life decision
during a production number!

  
All right. Take ten, everybody.
Wrap it up, guys.

  
I had virtually no rehearsal for that.Tasty Cake
    gosh whatever will we do

  4. #4
    Senior Member amanda1983's Avatar
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Message: BRAD: Here's a question for you.
What do kids need more? A father or a dad?
What's the difference?
The way I see it, darn near
anyone can be a father...
(ROARING)
...but not everyone has the patience
or the devotion to be a dad.
As for me...
Anybody caught a Monarch yet?
...I've always wanted to be a dad.
Let me tell you, I love it!
Yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
And I love my Ford Flex.
It treats me to a smooth ride,
and you know what?
It didn't break the bank.
Room enough for the whole family.
Yes, I love being a dad.
And I love these two adorable
little rays of sunshine.
Hey, Dylan! Good morning.
Whatever.
BRAD: Okay. I'm not their real dad.
Good morning, Mr. Whitaker.
- I'm their stepdad.
- Good morning, Megan.
Can you please put this on the fridge?
Well, sure. Did you do
another drawing of our family?
- Uh-huh.
- Huh?
That's me and Dylan and Mommy.
So great.
And over here, far, far away,
is you.
Oh? And am I wearing a baseball cap?
That's the knife in your head
'cause I was killing you in the eye.
Oh, I see.
Well, I love how you drew my hair.
That's poop.
Well, it's well-drawn.
And I'm guessing it's dog poop?
That's homeless man poop.
Oh.
All right. (SIGHING)
BRAD: I actually can't
father my own children,
ever since I hit a little
snafu at a dental office.
(MUFFLED) I've got
a little bit of a gag reflex.
Uh, close your eyes, breathe through
your nose, you'll be fine.
Oh. Okay.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(MACHINE SQUEAKING)
(BEEPS)
Oh, you got a really weird tongue.
You need to floss better.
BRAD: Ever since then, my testicles have
been more decorative than anything else.
Hey!
And I thought I'd never have a family.
Until I met a stunning mom named Sara.
Would you look at her?
I am one lucky so-and-so.
I hit the jackpot.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry I'm taking so long.
I have to show that Sixty West
building to those new clients.
- I know.
- (GASPS)
- Oh, my God! The kids' lunches.
- Already packed. I wrote them
little inspirational notes
to start them on their day.
They've already eaten their breakfasts,
and you look perfect.
You are amazing.
Look at this, huh? Another family drawing.
Oh, no. I am so sorry.
No, I think you're misunderstanding.
This is the first drawing
where I'm not dead already.
Sure, I've got a knife in my eye
and some homeless man poop on my head,
(SIGHING)
but this is showing real progress.
I think she's starting to accept me.
You can find the good
in just about anything.
I love that about you. You know that?
Thanks.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello. I'm home.
Hey.
How was the, uh...
What's wrong?
He won't talk to me.
He said he only wants to talk to you.
You want to talk to me?
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
- You mean me and your mom?
- Mmm-mmm.
- Just me? By myself?
- Mmm-hmm.
Sure. I'm...
I'm totally free. Let's go to the den.
We'll sit there.
We'll sit.
We can do it sitting or standing?
Doesn't matter. We're just gonna do it.
We're not gonna overthink it.
Yeah. Great. Okay, good.
Just the men, yeah.
A little rap session. Great.
(WHISPERING) Oh, my God.
I just want you to know that
I'm just here to listen. All right?
No judgments, no lectures,
just a compassionate ear.
- Well, there are these kids at school...
- Mmm-hmm.
...and they're bigger than me,
because they're fourth graders.
- (SHUTTER CLICKING)
- And...
Oh, was that weird?
I'm sorry, I'm just...
It's a big moment for me,
and I'm just trying to capture it.
It just came off awkward.
So, go ahead, continue telling
your story. Fourth graders.
Anyway, there are
these fourth graders, and...
He actually confided in me.
I mean, it was that father-son feeling
I've been dying for,
and it was even better than
I thought it was gonna be.
(SIGHS) I mean, he really needed me. Me.
That is so great, honey.
He even said not to tell you.
So I'm actually totally betraying
his trust right now. (CHUCKLES)
What are we gonna do about
those little snot-nosed fourth graders?
Oh, I think it's going to be fine.
He's going to try to do some
trust falls on the playground.
Really? You think that's gonna work?
As long as they catch him. Yeah.
Hey, Brad.
Yeah?
If I ask you something,
you promise you won't cry again?
Of course, sweetie. What is it?
Well, at school,
they told us about this thing,
and it's called a Daddy-Daughter Dance.
(GASPING)
So, do you want to go with me?
(SOBBING)
You said you wouldn't cry, Brad.
I'm not. Megan, yes. A million times yes.
I thought big people
weren't supposed to cry.
I think it's sweet that he's
crying like a little *****.
(GASPS) Megan!
You are not supposed
to call people that word.
You know what? It takes a real
man to show his emotions.
(SOBBING LOUDLY)
All right, that's a bit much.
VIZZINI: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
FEZZIK: Anybody want a peanut?
(ALL LAUGHING)
BRAD: We were finally becoming a family.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- I'll get it!
After being pushed away
and treated like an outsider,
I was finally becoming
the dad that I always knew I could...
Daddy!
Hi! Where are you?
Where's Cameroon?
Is that gunfire? Cool!
MEGAN: Daddy, Daddy!
I want to talk to Daddy.
Hi, Daddy.
Good.
- So your ex is calling, huh?
- (SIGHS) Yeah.
What a treat for the kids.
It's been a long time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
We're watching a really funny
movie with Mommy and Brad.
Oh, Brad is Mommy's new husband.
Wait. He doesn't know about me?
Well, I haven't talked to him
in six months.
We've been married eight months.
Brad, Daddy wants to talk to you.
- No! No, no. Don't, don't...
- I'm just going to say hi.
You don't need to do that. Brad, don't.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you, sweetie.
Hello, Dusty?
Super to make your acquaintance.
In fact, I just wish
I could shake your hand
and offer to buy you a cold one.
- Tomorrow?
- What?
BOTH: Daddy's coming! Yay!
Oh, yeah, I guess I could pick you up.
- (WHISPERS) No.
- Hmm?
It's Whitaker.
W-H-I-T-A-K-E-R. (CHUCKLES)
No, I'm not comfortable giving you
my Social Security number over the phone.
Uh, okay, yeah, my credit score is 752.
I'm very proud of that. (CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry? What sort of fighting styles
am I proficient in?
I don't know if I've ever been
asked that before.
Hello, Dusty, hello, hello? Hmm...
I lost him.
What just happened?
Did you just invite him to come here?
Is he coming tomorrow?
Well, I didn't know
he'd accept my offer so soon.
I mean, he really jumped at it.
Remember when I said he was like Jesse
James and Mick Jagger had a baby?
Yeah, I just thought maybe
he was really skinny and
jittery, and had like a little bit
of a British accent, or something.
He's wild and he's crazy.
That's why I fell in love with him.
Then you end up with two kids.
And I'm stuck there holding the bag and
he's nowhere to be found.
It doesn't matter how much love or passion,
or you can't breathe without each other.
All of that stuff is stupid in comparison.
When you have kids,
you have responsibilities.
He doesn't understand that.
Honey, this is actually a good thing.
- (SIGHS)
- I'll welcome Dusty into our home,
and we'll establish some kind
but firm boundaries.
All right? It's what Step-By-Stepdad
calls "setting up a Loving Fence."
A Loving Fence?
Wow, that sounds really great, honey.
But your self-help books
have never met Dusty Mayron.
He sounds like a rascal, but I don't
think it's anything I can't handle.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
PANDA SINGER: Check. Check, check.
Chinese Checkers,
Czech, Czech Republic, pop,
sibilance, sibilance, pop,
one, two, six, seven,
check, check, check, check.
What do you got for me, Brad?
Oh, Mr. Holt, hello. Well, hopefully
the new voice of The Panda.
Oh, listen.
I gotta leave early today. I gotta go
pick up my wife's ex at the airport.
Jesus, kid, how'd you
draw that **** detail?
Brad, why do you want
this deadbeat in your home?
Well, it's not that I want him in my home,
it's just that the better
stepparenting books
say that the worst thing you can do
for the kids is to push out the biological.
You're in the danger zone here,
Brad, and let me tell you why.
Kids that grow up without their dads
always end up obsessing over them.
Most of the hook-ups
that I've had in my adult life
have been with women
that had daddy issues.
I don't know if this is
an appropriate story.
Look, my wife would kill me
if she knew I was telling you this.
Well, then you shouldn't tell me this.
When I met her in Denver...
You're going to tell
the story, aren't you?
...she was a topless maid.
- Ninety-nine bucks an hour.
- Mmm-hmm.
Never met her father.
But who did she meet? Me.
And who did treat her like ****? Me.
I eventually loved her,
but every time she got out of line,
I'd just pull the Humvee over
and ask her to get out politely.
And then I'd drive away.
Guess what?
She showed up at home every time.
This story has no relevance
to my situation.
Oh, it doesn't at all.
It's just a good story.
So, Pete, are we going
to hear this guy, or what?
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
I'm sorry.
Keep it up, Brad.
You and I will fight in the parking lot.
BRAD: So today is the day I'm finally
meeting the father of my children.
Am I nervous? You're darn right I am.
But who wouldn't be? (SIGHS DEEPLY)
And here's the thing.
I mean, Pepe, you know, kids...
...they see through things and,
at the end of the day,
they know who's been around...
Holy balls!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I hope that's not him.
(GULPING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
There is no doubt this man
is your better in every way.
Well, you're kind to say that. Thank you.
Yeah, I feel pretty good.
- Hey, you Dusty?
- Nope.
What?
Are you sure?
Are you Dusty... No, you're not Dusty.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(ON RADIO) You've got
Jason Sinclair on The Panda,
the station everybody
in the office can agree on.
What is this?
Now if you're up in Wolf Trap this weekend,
do yourself a favor and check out...
(DOOR OPENING)
Hey! Where have you been?
I called you like 100 times.
(SIGHS) I know, my phone died. Look...
This motorcycle, is this...
Yes. He's here.
- He's here?
- Yes.
What's he doing inside there?
He's giving the kids
all kinds of Starbursts.
Starbursts? God damn it!
Sorry. Sorry. (EXHALES)
I'm a hot habanero pepper right now.
I got a few bullet points I want to
bring up with our friend Dusty,
starting with airport etiquette,
courtesy and expectation.
MEGAN: Oh, good story, Daddy!
You like that story? It's all true. Hey!
Who wants some more Starbursts and
a couple of uncirculated silver dollars?
So you are Dusty.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I sure am. You must be
the new and improved husband.
Bring it in, big guns.
I already met you at the airport.
No, I don't recall that, friend.
Yeah, I walked right up to you
and asked if you were Dusty.
I'm pretty sure I'd remember
a heavy hitter like yourself.
(SCOFFS)
Well, must have been my mistake.
All right, that was me at the airport.
- Yeah, I know that.
- The truth is,
I saw you before you saw me,
and I'm thinking,
"This is the guy who's raising my kids?"
"And damn it if he doesn't
look like the real deal."
I mean, look at you.
You figured it out, didn't you?
You cracked the code.
(CHUCKLES) I don't know about that.
Don't play that humble game with me.
He is so humble. He's just too humble.
Honey, you got it goin' on.
Everybody says so.
Yeah, I got it goin' way on.
So you can understand
why I panicked at the airport.
- I froze, Brad. I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
Look, these are tricky waters to navigate.
They sure are, man. I mean,
that is insightful.
You know, I thought it was weird Sara
didn't tell me about you before.
I thought, what's she hiding?
And now I know.
A champion.
Hey, Brad! Did you see Dad's motorcycle?
Isn't it cool?
BRAD: It sure is.
What is that, an Indian?
Yep.
I believe they're manufactured
in Minneapolis.
I've never been, but that's the setting
for The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
And... What's the other... Rhoda.
Which I want to say was a spin-off.
Damn! You really know
your bikes, Brad. You ride?
Uh-huh. Yeah!
- Really?
- BRAD: Yeah.
I mean, not anymore. I did, you know,
back in college. I had a, um...
I had a Kawa-saki? Kawasaki Nine.
Yeah.
With the fenders and the...
The broil joint. So...
Well, you should get on her, man. Come on!
Take her out, see what she can do.
She's got a lot of power.
Oh, no, no, no.
Yeah, Brad! Brad... Please!
No. Hey, come on, kids. It's time for bed.
It's way past your bedtime.
Let's brush your teeth.
All right, come on, guys,
listen to your mom. Hey, look...
(STUTTERS) I don't want to overstep, but
it would mean the world to me
if I could tuck in our two little blessings.
Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course.
They're your kids. Tuck away.
Oh, thank you for that, Brad.
The King messed up. He messed up bad.
He thought he could just
ride off to slay dragons,
and his Queen would always be
waiting for him.
And then one day the King received word
that his dominion was being ruled over
by some curly-headed Step King
with good credit?
Oh, no!
Well, the King rode hard up on his lands,
and when he arrived,
he did gaze fondly upon the Queen,
remembering their good times together,
for he had known her in her prime,
when she was down for anything,
and I do mean anything.
Psst...
Sounds like your dad's spinning
quite a yarn. Mind if I listen in?
Oh, actually, it's getting late.
You two need to get some sack time.
BOTH: No, we want more story, please!
Hey, I'd love to be in here all night,
but let's be respectful of Brad's rules,
no matter how arbitrary they seem.
All right?
Good night, my little golden treasures.
Good night, my little magical cherubs.
- Here comes some butterfly kisses.
- (GIGGLING)
And some Eskimo kisses.
Good night, buddy.
Sleep tight. Sleep tight.
Hey, who wants good-night tickles?
- BOTH: Me!
- (DUSTY CHUCKLES)
Good night, my little breath of God.
Good night, my little Jesus teardrop.
I almost forgot, my famous
good-night back scratches.
- Oh, so relaxing, so relaxing.
- (SIGHING)
Good night, sweetie bear.
Hey, who wants twenty bucks?
- BOTH: I do! Me!
- Twenty dollars?
- What?
- Oh, yeah.
One for you, and one for you.
I don't know if that's appropriate.
Ah, don't worry about it.
BRAD: Okay. Good night.
So, uh, if you want to, why don't you
come by tomorrow after school?
Might be a good time to...
What about the cold one?
The cold one?
You promised me
a cold one and a handshake.
Cold one. One cold one, coming up.
Great. I'll grab my jacket,
we'll go outside.
Perfect. All right.
Hey! Psst...
What are you doing?
What are you guys buddies now?
No. I mean, I offered him a cold one.
I really should honor
the cold one promise.
(SIGHS) Fine. You give him a cold one,
and then you get rid of him, okay?
You put up your Loving Fence,
- remember?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Then you come to bed.
- Okay.
- Will do.
- Okay.
DUSTY: What you got going on over here?
Oh, uh, that's a treehouse. A little, uh,
bonding project for Dylan and I.
Yeah, we've been at it
for about two months.
DUSTY: It's looking good.
BRAD: Thank you.
So, Dusty, how long do you think
you're going to be in town for?
Well, Brad, the truth is,
I'm wheels-up a week from tomorrow.
Time to get out there and
kick some ass for America.
Oh, I see. So you're a soldier?
Nope.
Oh, so you're a, uh...
Yep.
Yep, what?
(CHUCKLES) You don't want to know
any more than that, Brad.
Okay.
Um, listen, Dusty, I think that we should
set up a visitation schedule.
Right? That way, you feel like
you have ample time with the children...
Why don't we cut the ****, Brad?
No, we don't have to cut the ****.
You want to know what I'm doing here,
why don't you quit looking at
whatever you wrote on your hand?
Be a man and ask me, Brad.
Okay. What are you doing here?
Now, we both know kids need
a single primary male role model.
Sara's made her choice.
I'm man enough to
let that role model be you.
I will vouch for you with my children.
I will give them my sacred
permission to trust you.
To love you and to
call you Dad.
You'd do that for me?
No.
But I will do it for them.
That is what you want, isn't it, Brad?
More than anything in the world.
He played you.
You just got so played out there.
I know it looks that way, 'cause
I promised I would ask him to leave,
and then I invited him to stay for a week,
but he didn't play me.
You know what he did? He cut the ****.
- Oh, he did?
- And I gotta say, it was refreshing.
I think more of us could stand
to just cut the ****, you know.
- Right.
- In one conversation,
he just blew by
eight chapters in my stepdad book.
I mean, this is gonna be so good
for me and the kids.
Oh, baby, you have no idea
who you're dancing with.
Dusty gets into your head,
- that's what he does.
- (WHIRRING)
(MUFFLED) He has a very impressive,
rugged bravado,
there's no question. But I gotta say,
I think in here, there's
a soft, soft creamy center.
You know? I think he feels a lot.
He just... He needs
someone with this, a big ear.
And I got them. Mmm.
Oh, good morning, Dusty.
- Hey.
- You're up and at 'em.
- (OVEN TIMER DINGS)
- Yeah, I got up early
- and did a quick 20.
- Really?
- Twenty minutes of what?
- Oh, twenty miles.
Did a little light sparring,
then I whipped up
a pan of piping-hot
cinnamon rolls for my family.
And I made one for you, too.
Wow. That's very impressive, thank you.
- DUSTY: Good morning, gang!
- Ooh, it smells yummy!
Our real dad's a super,
super-duper good cook!
- Mmm-hmm.
- Here you go, guys.
Yeah, it looks an awful lot like Cinnabon.
Well, thank you, Brad.
What a nice thing to say.
Mmm, it tastes exactly like Cinnabon!
In fact, same shape,
same swirl, same frosting.
Now you're starting to embarrass me,
but I do appreciate the compliment.
Good morning, Sar-bear!
- Morning.
- Hey, listen, guys,
Brad and I had a talk last night
about the importance of family.
And now that everyone's here,
I wanted to say a few words, okay?
I think that would be great.
Hey, kids, you know, families can be
ever-growing and changing things.
And sometimes someone new
knocks on the door of your heart
and you're not sure if you
have room in there for one more.
But there's someone here now
that I hope you guys can learn to love.
Okay?
(WHISTLING)
- Come here, boy!
- (GROWLING)
BOTH: A doggy! Yay!
You brought a dog home?
Yeah. Is that a problem?
I mean, you seemed
really into it while I was teeing it up.
No, I thought you were talking about me.
- Oh, but you're not a dog, Brad.
- No... (SCOFFS)
Look, last night, when we talked...
Oh, yeah. Well, listen,
that's got to happen organically.
Why can't it happen now?
It just can't.
You're dirty.
SARA: Dusty, how old is that thing?
I'd guess him to be around 15.
I mean, I found him this morning,
living in a storm drain.
I named him Tumor,
because of how much he grows on you.
BOTH: Mommy, can we keep Tumor, please?
Oh, I'm gonna leave this one up to Brad.
BOTH: Please, Brad! Please!
Why is he looking at me like that?
- (GROWLING)
- He's only looking at me.
Maybe we just get a puppy instead?
A puppy, Brad? What are they
going to learn from a puppy?
An old dog like Tumor here's
been out in the world, man. Living free.
Fighting for survival and seeing things
we can only dream of.
Just look at the wisdom
in those cloudy eyes.
Besides, you know what happens
to old dogs at shelters.
He's gonna have to walk the green mile
as soon as he gets there.
No, Brad, no! Don't kill our dog!
I hate you!
Okay. Okay. Fine.
He can live out his few
remaining weeks with us.
Yay! Thanks, Brad.
I don't hate you anymore.
He's going potty!
SARA: Oh, my God.
We'll clean it up. We don't mind.
Look at that.
The dog's already
teaching them responsibility.
Hey, guys, when you got to
pick up the potty, use gloves.
- He's definitely got worms in his poo.
- (BOTH GROANING IN DISGUST)
(SIGHS)
SARA: Dusty!
Can you please move this thing?
I can't get my car out of the garage.
Hey, Brad, do you mind?
I want to grab a quick shower.
Yeah, sure, no problem.
- Hey, honey.
- Hi, sweetie.
It's blocking everything.
No, I know. I know, don't worry.
We're on top of it.
What are you doing? Brad, I don't...
Hey! Stay away from that, please.
(GRUNTS)
Honey, what are you doing?
- (ENGINE REVVING)
- (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
I don't know if that's a good idea, Brad.
Dusty!
It's vibrating up into my shoulders.
Hey, it's okay, Brad.
Look, she's a lot of bike, man.
No, I'm good. Why don't you go
back in and take that shower,
so you can get a shirt on?
Oh, you got it.
Hey, you look good on that, man.
Remember, one down, four up.
Dusty, everyone knows it's one down...
- (SCREAMING)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(CRASHING)
Did Brad just die?
I think we all need to prepare ourselves
for that possibility, pumpkin. Okay?
Brad!
Brad!
- (BRAD GROANING)
- (GASPING)
Oh, my God.
- (COUGHING)
- Brad, are you all right?
No, I'm not all right.
I'm in the wall. I'm scared.
Oh, honey.
Jeez, Brad, I thought you said
you could ride.
I can ride, okay.
Would you get a shirt on?
I think if you could ride, you wouldn't
be stuck in a wall right now, Brad.
SARA:
Yeah. I'm sorry to say it, but he's right.
You almost killed the kids!
DUSTY: Let's not beat up
on Brad here. Okay?
He was showboating for the kids
a little bit, and things got out of hand.
Let's all just be grateful
nobody got hurt. Okay?
I got hurt!
Okay, kids, listen up.
This is a good lesson
on why you never wanna lie
about your ability to do things
you clearly can't do, okay, huh?
I think my arm is stuck in the wall.
DUSTY: Brad, just stay still.
I'll get you out.
No, no, no, no, no. No, don't do anything.
And would you please
just go and get a shirt on?
Just calm down, all right?
- (SARA SCREAMING)
- (GROANING)
Hey, I'm really sorry about
what happened to your car.
Yeah, and I'm sorry about
what happened to your bike.
Oh, no damage. Not a scratch.
- Oh, not even one scratch?
- Unbelievable.
(LAUGHS) That's so good.
(ROOF THUDS)
Let's keep it going! Inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Morning, Jerry.
Got to keep it inside the cones!
No, Daddy! You're supposed
to stay in the cones!
Whoa, whoa! Inside the cones!
- Inside. Bring her in. That's better.
- (SIGHS)
Let's keep those kids safe today, okay?
Thank you, Brad.
Sorry, Doris.
It's okay. This whole drop-off line thing
can be a bit overwhelming
if you're not used to it.
Yeah, well, I've landed a chopper
in the middle of a Cuban prison riot,
Brad, I think I'm good.
(BEEPING)
Bye, guys! I love you guys so much.
Have a great day, okay?
- Bye, Daddy!
- Make sure you do all your work.
Bye, guys. Have the best day.
I love you so...
BRAD: Here's the exciting thing.
We just opened up in our 68th market,
making The Panda America's
number three smooth jazz station.
Wow.
And here it is. My, uh... My little nook.
Wow. Oh, man, I gotta admit,
this is more than I expected.
Wow.
I kind of envy you, Brad.
Oh, stop it.
Ah, it's true. I mean, you're a nice guy,
making a comfortable living,
and the most fantastic woman
in the world loves you dearly.
Really? Thanks for saying that.
I mean it. And that sacrifice
she's making for you... That's true love.
Sacrifice?
Well, sure, Brad.
You know how bad
that girl wants another baby.
She wants another baby?
For her to let that slip away
and marry a man she knew to be barren,
that's true love.
How do you know that I can't...
- Bradley.
- Yes.
Caroline says we're gonna hear some
new voice talent this a.m.?
Yes, sir, in about 15 minutes.
Okay. How'd it go
- with the ****bag ex-husband?
- Uh-uh.
You whip his ass with
that Loving Fence of yours?
(LAUGHS)
Well, actually it's interesting, Mr. Holt,
because I want you to meet Dusty Mayron.
Jesus in the morning.
She was married to him first?
Okay. Let's establish some
ground rules, pretty boy.
- Airborne?
- Huh?
Well, your lapel pin.
101st, that's one hell of a division, sir.
Oh, well, thank you, Dusty.
Are you Airborne?
Oh, no, sir, I'm afraid
I don't share that honor,
but I'm humbled to be in the
presence of anyone who does.
Airborne Division? Those guys love to fly.
Very nice to meet you, sir.
Thank you, thank you.
It's good to meet you.
My pleasure. It's an honor.
Fast friends over there. (CHUCKLES)
That's wonderful.
Come on! No way!
The whole time you're running guns
for the freedom fighters
right under the cartel's noses,
and they never suspected it was you once?
Well, I'm sure they started to suspect
once they were in a ball of fire
the size of four city blocks.
(LAUGHING)
That's great. I love that!
Holy buckets, Brad!
If this guy was my wife's ex,
I'd put a bullet in my skull.
(BOTH LAUGH)
DUSTY: Come on, Leo, cut it out.
Oh, uh... Sir, I think Barry's ready.
You're really going to like this guy.
Okay. Ready to listen.
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
All right. Mmm-hmm.
- You like him, Brad?
- I do.
I do. I mean, I think his voice
has a warm dependability
that all Panda listeners could trust.
What do you think, Duster?
(BRAD LAUGHS)
Does Dusty now work for The Panda?
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm not really into smooth jazz.
I shouldn't comment.
(SCOFFS) Nobody's into smooth jazz.
I'm into smooth jazz.
Of course you are, Brad.
So what do you think, Dusty?
I mean, it just seems a little flaccid.
I think you need a voice with some
virility and hope, that tells listeners,
"Hey! Maybe the next song
won't suck as bad as the last one."
Also, I think a strong ability
to be something like...
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
What...
What just happened?
He sang the tagline.
- Good boy, Tumor!
- (CAR HONKING)
BOTH: Daddy!
DUSTY: Hey!
Oh, perfect timing. Listen to this.
DUSTY ON RADIO: One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
- Is that you?
- Yeah!
SARA: That's you?
Why is that him?
I took him to work, and 15 minutes later
he's the new voice of The Panda.
Hey, you believe that? I record
one take at 9:30 this morning,
it's already run 11 times.
Do I really get 182 bucks
every time they play that?
Yes. Every time, yes.
Ooh! Money.
You see why I love America
even more than most people do?
Hey. What's this?
Just the handyman
I hired off Angie's List.
He's upstairs fixing the damage.
Your wife had to hire a man? For what?
Some framing, a little sheetrock repair,
some masonry and basic window glazing?
Come on, Brad.
We can bang that out tonight.
Yeah.
It's just basic sheetrock glazing
and, you know, little whatamajigs.
Get up there and
get in there and crank it out.
Dusty is pretty good with his hands.
Pretty good with my hands,
Brad, she knows.
Okay. Yeah, I'll just go
up there and I'll...
- Want me to do it? I'll tell him to screw.
- No, no, no, no.
No, no, no. That's okay.
I'll tell him,
- "Guess what, bub?"
- Tell him the men are here.
I'll say that.
I'll say, "The men are here."
- Let's do it.
- I don't want to imply to him
that he's not a man. But I'll just say,
"Hey, the boys are back in town." Right?
(HAMMERING)
Oh, hi.
I'm Brad. Uh... My wife hired you.
Nice to meet you, Brad.
I just came up here to say that you...
That, um, you should have good luck.
Thank you for your wishes of luck.
I'll be downstairs.
Well? What happened?
Oh, you know, I think it's...
He already started,
and I just think it feels wrong.
Why? Because he's black?
No. No, no.
Megan! Dylan!
- What are you doing? Huh?
- Teaching moment.
Guys, what would we call Brad
if he treated someone differently
just because of the color of their skin?
- (BOTH GASP)
- Brad's being racism?
Racist, honey. Brad is a racist.
- Honey.
- No, I mean... But not on purpose.
Is Brad a Klan person?
No. (LAUGHS)
So I'm a racist if I don't fire someone?
Well, yeah, you are.
Yeah, you are.
Sir, you're taking this all wrong.
Right. So you get one look
at the color of my skin,
and all of a sudden you're
Mr. Do It Yourself, huh?
No, not at all. Please, allow me
to pay you for your time and travel.
Don't do me any favors, Paula Deen.
(SIGHS)
I'm not a woman.
You did the right thing.
Boy, it doesn't feel that way.
Let's get cracking.
Where do you keep your tools?
I know where Brad keeps his tools.
In the credenza.
- Yeah.
- You keep your tools
- in the credenza, Brad?
- In the credenza. Mmm-hmm.
Just easier to get to.
- It's convenient.
- Yeah.
(CLATTERING)
This is a tackle box, Brad.
Are we going fishing?
No. Unless you want to go fishing.
What have you got in here?
A hammer, masking tape,
three C batteries and a tampon.
Yeah, well, a tampon's handy for...
Yeah, I know what they're handy for.
So are we not going to fix it?
Well, what do you want from me, Brad?
To buy all the gear we need
would cost more
than just hiring someone
off of Angie's List.
- (GROWLING)
- (GASPS)
And the King, he thought the Step King
seemed okay at first, a little soft, maybe,
but, heck, the Queen needed a meal ticket.
But the more the King learned about him,
the more he doubted the
Step King's ability to lead.
So the King decided
there was only one way to...
Psst... Hey. Good story?
Yeah. The King finally
came back to his castle.
But the evil Step King
wouldn't give him his crown back.
Oh, okay, yeah.
I think I've heard this story before.
Ah, it's a story as old as time, Brad.
Well, you know what? It turns out
the Step King wasn't evil at all.
He was a really good guy.
Fun at parties, great conversationalist,
affable. And he saw
that the beautiful Queen
and perfect Prince and Princess
were all alone, and he came
valiantly to their rescue.
Yeah, but wasn't the Queen sad because
the Step King couldn't give
her an heir to the throne?
Okay, you know what?
Now this is getting personal.
Hey, Brad, come on.
We're just doing fairy tales here.
All right. Well, the Queen wasn't sad,
just for the record. (STUTTERING)
The Step King was pretty sure
she was totally cool with it.
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm sure the Queen was thrilled. Right?
Right?
Yeah.
Honey,
what's the matter?
Are you still sad about
Dusty finding your tampon?
No. No, I mean,
this is a little embarrassing,
but it's just, I was...
Is there any chance
you still want another baby?
Oh, my God. What, did Dusty say something?
He's just trying to get in your head.
So it's not true then?
Okay. Maybe I did want another baby.
But it's not possible,
given what happened to your...
And I'm not blaming them. I love them.
They are my fuzzy little pals.
You don't have to say that.
They are.
I am 100% happy
with the family that I have.
The only reason I'm putting up with him is
because my kids are so happy to see him.
And I want them to have
a relationship with their father.
You know what?
I can't wait to see his face
when he figures out
how much you really do for his kids.
Yeah. I mean, I'm
involved. I'm emotionally available.
Yeah, you are.
You are darn right.
It's high time Dusty sees
how a real dad does it.
I am fired up!
(SIGHS)
Let's get some shut-eye.
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Hallelujah!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, dudes! Hey, T.J.!
Brad! Look what Dad did!
He finished the treehouse for you!
Hey, hey! B-man!
No, watch out, B!
(BRAD GROANING)
Hey, Brad. Sorry about that.
- You all right?
- (CONTINUES GROANING)
Brad, what do you think, man?
Wow. Pretty cool zipline.
You like that, huh? It's military grade.
You built all this today? With my tools?
Oh, no, you can't build a treehouse
with a tampon, Brad.
No, I had a little bit of help.
Yo, Dylan, PS4 is all hooked up.
- Thanks, Uncle Griff.
- No problem, buddy.
Uncle Griff?
Dude, I went out for a beer last night,
and who's tending bar but our man Griffy?
We get to talking and we just click.
You know what I mean?
He's a great dude, man. He really is.
I know how you feel about him,
but just give him a chance.
All right? He's having
a tough time at home,
and your firing him sure didn't help.
Well, I fired him because you made me!
- I made you?
- Yeah.
Am I in charge around here now?
Is my name on the mortgage?
Last time I checked,
you were the man of the house,
and me and Griffy were just staying here.
- He's not staying here.
- Because he's black?
No, not because of that.
Look, Griffy helped me
knock this out, all right?
So despite any prejudices
that you may or may not have...
I don't have any prejudices.
I said "may or may not."
- Well, it's may not.
- Well, that's good.
Because that's one of the ones I said.
Hey, kids, come on.
Helmets on the half-pipe.
We got to be safe around here.
Wait, half-pipe?
Look, I know it's taking up
a lot of the yard, but it's gonna make
your house the coolest place
in the neighborhood.
I got a sound system, we got
a couple Go-Pros. That's Corey
from Red Bull over there.
Hey, Corey!
You got a sponsor for my backyard?
Hey, Mr. Mayron! You want next?
Nicholas, please, it's Dusty!
And, yes, I do. Brad, watch this run.
I'm gonna dedicate this run
to my future X-Games champs,
Dylan and Megan. This is for you!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(BLOWS)
Looks like you picked
the wrong leisure activity, buddy.
(ALL CHEERING)
Thank you.
- Oh, hey, Sara.
- Hi.
Okay. Who's got next?
BRAD: I do!
Look!
(ALL GASPING)
Some cute little tricks there, Dusty.
(LAUGHS)
Really adorable.
Brad?
Hey, who'd like to see
how we used to do it
back in the empty pools of Encino,
Castaic, Irvine, Long Beach?
Santa Clarita?
Santa Cruz?
Fremont?
Honey, no, please come down.
Oh, I intend to, sister.
Come on, Brad, it hasn't been that long.
Godspeed.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (GRUNTS)
- ALL: Whoa!
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! Brad!
Oh, no, it's best not to touch him.
Wait a second.
What do you mean, don't touch him?
He's in trouble.
Look, I know he's in trouble, okay?
But if there's a problem, who
do you want to be in charge?
You?
Okay. All right, guys,
we have an emergency situation.
And what's the first thing we do? Anybody?
- You! Redhead.
- Call 911.
Close. But wrong.
First thing we do is remain calm.
Yeah, that's good advice.
The 911 operator can't understand you
if you're hysterical, okay?
So let's all take a deep breath.
In for ten...
Are you kidding me right now? Help him!
Hey, that doesn't sound calm, Sara.
Now, please, call 911
and relate to the dispatcher
- what happened calmly, okay?
- Okay, yes.
Anybody know what we do next?
Check for pulse!
Nice! My star pupil! Come on up here.
All right! Okay, two fingers on the neck,
right below the ear.
- Good. You feel a heartbeat?
- Uh-uh.
Okay, now that means that
Brad here is now clinically... Anybody?
- You, Jean Jacket!
- Dead?
Attaboy, Jean Jacket. You're a smart kid.
He is dead.
All right, so what do we do?
Come on, we're losing him here.
Give him C.P.R.?
Yes! That's my girl.
Come on up here, sweetie.
All right! All right, lock your fingers like
this and press down hard right here.
- (GRUNTING)
- Oh, great job, sweetheart.
Dusty, hurry!
Okay, I'm going to go ahead
and take this one.
Okay? Watch closely now.
If you do your
chest compressions properly,
it shouldn't take long. Clear out, guys.
(WHIRRING)
(GASPING)
- I got him! I got him!
- (COUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING)
My dad can bring people
back from the dead!
(GROANING)
Mr. Whitaker's a zombie!
(MUTTERING)
Look, I'm okay, really.
I just got a little jolt.
You got a little killed
is what you got, Brad.
We thought we lost you.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I just got tired of being
the lame stepdad.
All the kids think he's Superman.
Well, now you know how I felt.
I always had to be the bad guy mom,
giving out the carrots
and the punishments,
and he would breeze in
from God only knows where
and get to be the cool, fun dad.
Honey. Look. (SIGHS)
I'll talk to him, okay?
I'll tell him to get his stuff
and get over to the Red Roof Inn. Pronto.
Great.
(TV PLAYING)
Wait. Prince Hans is actually the bad guy?
Man, I didn't see that coming at all.
He seemed like he really loved Anna.
MEGAN: I hate Prince Hans.
Dusty.
- Hey, how you feeling, Sparky?
- (CHUCKLES)
Sparky. That's hilarious.
DUSTY: Brad, have you seen this movie?
It's unbelievable, man.
There's these two sisters,
one of them has ice powers.
Yeah, I'm familiar with Frozen.
Listen, Dusty, I need to talk to you now.
I can't talk now, Brad.
Just pause the movie!
Can you guys talk out there, please?
Griff, man. You gotta pause it, man.
No! I don't want to ruin the momentum.
He won't... Dude, if another song
comes on, you got to pause it. Okay?
Am I supposed to pause my emotions?
Just pause the song, man.
What's up? What's up?
What's going on, Brad?
- This shouldn't take long.
- Okay, good.
Listen, um, I just think
that you're being here...
Yeah. No problem.
...and now there's Griff here,
it's presenting some obstacles...
(SOBBING)
Stupid helmet!
Honey, what happened?
They pushed me off my bike again!
- I'm so sick of it!
- (CLATTERING)
I want them dead, Brad. All right?
I want their parents dead.
And if they don't have parents, I want
their primary caregivers dead.
Do you understand me?
- Okay, okay.
- He's okay.
Megan's upstairs playing with him.
I am so pissed about this.
Was it the fourth graders again?
Fourth graders?
What, you knew about this, Brad?
Yeah. Dylan asked to speak
specifically to me about it.
- Really?
- So, we role-played
some conflict resolution dialogue.
Are you being serious right now, Brad?
What you need to be teaching him
is some ass-beating resolution.
Damn straight. You got to
make a statement. Set a tone.
It's kind of a family matter over here.
No, Dusty and Griff are right.
Those little punks need
their butts whooped.
Hey, you got any Miracle Whip?
Yeah, it's behind the... (SIGHS)
Here. Hold on. Let me just get it for you.
Guys, I know we're upset right now,
but here's the thing.
Violence never solved anything.
Hey, check your history books, buddy.
Almost everything is solved by violence.
There are better ways.
Okay. Name one. Besides dialoguing.
- Name one?
- Name one!
- What do you mean, name one?
- You said you could
solve problems with
things other than fighting.
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
Well, you said you knew!
You act like you knew!
- Fine, yes!
- What?
Dancing! Dancing.
Did you... Did you just say dancing, Brad?
It's very popular in youth culture
to resolve conflict through dancing.
They step up to each other and get served
by crunking, or popping and locking.
They call each other out, they take turns,
and it is no less intense
than a classic street brawl.
But, at the end of the day, no one's hurt.
And it's a great aerobic workout.
He's flailing a bit,
but he has a good point.
There's a rich history
of dance battles in film.
- You got Breakin' 1...
- I didn't even think of this.
...Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.
One of the rare cases
where the sequel was better
- than the original.
- Much better.
You got Step Up, Stomp the Yard.
He makes a solid point.
Honey, are you telling us that we
should teach Dylan to dance?
(SIGHS) No, I'm just saying that
teaching him to fight isn't the answer.
Okay, but maybe teaching him
to fight back isn't so bad?
BRAD: Okay.
There we go. Perfect.
That's good, right there.
Yeah. A lot of protection.
All right, Dylan. You ready, buddy?
- I guess.
- Oh, you're ready.
Brad, Griff. You guys be
the fourth graders.
- I'll be Dylan.
- Okay.
All right. Hey, buddy, the first thing you
want to do is call out the biggest one.
Hey! What's the matter?
You too much of a pussy to take me on
without your little *****es to back you up?
Wow. Okay, yes.
That cut right through me, there.
I'm filled with inner shame right now.
Saying to myself,
"Gosh, maybe I'm not behaving
"100% the way I want to."
Right? Is that same page?
No. What the kid's gonna think
is, "Now I can beat your ass
"all on my own." But now
you only got one bully to contend with.
Now bullies always open up
with some shoving first.
- Watch. Brad, give me a little shove.
- All right.
(YELPS)
Whoa, I didn't connect there, did I?
No. It was really close, though.
See what I did, buddy?
I turned my body just enough
to let his weight bring him in,
then I came right down Broadway.
- I'm not gonna hit you.
- Oh.
- Okay, relax. Okay?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Bam!
- (ALL GASP)
It's called the element of surprise.
Then you start punking his ass!
You want some more of that, *****, huh?
You like that, *****?
All right. Do we really
need to use that word?
- No.
- Honey, yes.
Unfortunately, we do. I'm sorry.
You have to make him a *****.
It's a fundamental step in
destroying a bully's psyche.
Now stay down, *****!
Then you kick that kid right in the nuts!
Kick him in the nuts, Dylan!
Wait! I thought you were in my gang.
Yeah, but once Dylan tuned you up,
I switched sides.
What do you think happens
out there on the playground, Brad?
All right, now come on, buddy.
It's your turn. All right?
I'll be the fourth grader.
Can I just go inside already, please?
Hey, buddy come on, this is easy.
You can do this.
I said, no! I don't like this stuff.
I'll just stay away from them
from now on. Mom?
Okay, come here, buddy.
- Come on. It's all right.
- Brad.
Help me out here. Come on.
Hey, wait.
Pal, listen...
I know what it's like
to be afraid to go to school.
Okay? When I was your age,
this group of older kids
started picking on me.
I ran and I cried
underneath the bleachers.
They bothered me every day,
because they knew
I was too afraid to face them.
Until one day, I'd had enough.
And I socked Jesse Hubbard
right in the nose.
Really? And they left you alone?
Damn right they did.
Brad. (SOFTLY) That was good.
Come here, buddy.
Hey, I'm proud of you. All right?
Now, look at me. I want you to punch them
right in the Adam's apple. Okay?
I want you to shatter their throat.
Hold on, hold on.
I'm sorry. Look, I'm having
a pang of guilt right now.
Full disclosure. Some of the elements
of my story weren't exactly true.
Um, the incessant crying, 100% true.
The constant bullying, absolutely,
it all happened, but I, uh...
I've never punched anyone in my life.
I could have told you that.
- Then what did you do?
- Yeah, what did you do?
Well, nothing at all.
In fact, sixth grade was so rough,
I changed my name to Devin Lacecock.
Why the hell would you tell him that?
I pretended to be blind for an entire
school year, just to elicit empathy.
Which was great until
they found me intently watching
an episode of MASH.
In fact, it got so bad,
my parents had to refinance
our house to put me in private school.
Let's just do that.
Can I go to private school, please?
No, Dylan, we can't do that.
Want to know why?
Because ever since that day,
I've always run away from conflict.
In fact, if I had a dad like Dusty
when I was your age, maybe
he could have taught me
how to stand up for myself.
So, wait. You're saying,
if I don't stick up for myself now,
I'll grow up to be a huge wussy like you?
Um, yes. That is the basic
gist of what I'm saying. Yes.
Okay. Then let's do this.
DUSTY: Come on, buddy, you got this.
Give me something. Come on.
Faster, harder, meaner, stronger.
You're fast, you're good.
You're a winner. You're a champion.
They got to let you off the leash, baby.
We got a little pit bull here.
That was really nice, you guys. Good job.
It was really fun to watch
the two of you working together
like a couple of great co-dads.
Yeah.
Co-dads. That's...
That's good stuff.
You know what?
In that same spirit of unity,
I want to show my gratitude
for your inviting me
to stay here and share moments like these.
Oh, about that, Dusty.
When I pulled you over there, actually...
No, what you've done here
does not go unnoticed.
And I repay my debts.
Look, Sara, I know how much
you want another child.
I think I can help
put a baby in there for you.
- Oh, my God!
- What are you saying?
- I mean I got a guy.
- Dusty, please! You got a guy?
Yes, I got a guy. A fertility doctor.
He's a buddy of mine.
I trained him for his first Ironman.
All right? Dr. Francisco is the real deal.
- Dr. Emilio Francisco?
- You've heard of him?
Oh, my God, yeah.
He's been on Dr. Oz like 10 times.
Yeah, he's one of the top five reproductive
endocrinologists in the country.
See? People wait years
to get an appointment with this guy.
Do you really think he would see us?
- Whoa, whoa, hold on.
- I know he would.
If anybody can help you
have a baby, he can.
Mommy's going to have a baby?
Cool! Can we name it Griff?
Oh, thanks, D-man.
Look, you guys,
I don't know if this is a good idea.
What, you don't wanna name your baby
after a black person?
- Is that it?
- No!
You probably want to name it something
really white, like Connor or Gordon.
Harland, or Scot with one T. Or Brad.
No, no, Griff is a lovely name.
I'm just saying,
I don't think it's a good
idea to get our hopes up,
because, in the end,
odds are, I'm going to let you down.
Okay, honey, but what if I promise,
promise, promise not to get my hopes up?
We could just try, right? It can't hurt.
Okay, sure.
But you can't get your hopes up.
No. I won't, I won't! Thank you!
I feel like you've already
gotten your hopes up.
- Where are you going?
- Nowhere!
- You calling your mother?
- No!
Okay, yes, but it's about something else.
It's not about something else.
Damn it, Brad, he set you up.
He used this fancy doctor
to get your wife back on the baby train.
When those test results come back
and prove that you can't give her a baby,
guess who's gonna be waiting
there cocked and loaded?
Well, I trust my wife, so we really don't
need to keep talking about it, okay?
Let me tell you a little story, Brad.
When Jeneane, my fourth, and I
were returning from our honeymoon,
she told me that
she had a 23-year-old kid.
Brazilian boy.
Said she had him real young.
So he moves in with us.
Doesn't speak a lick of English.
There are the usual tensions.
I try to assert my authority.
"Andreas, get your feet
off the furniture."
"Andreas, you're too old
to sleep in bed with Mommy."
"Andreas, you got to stay off the 'roids."
And he'd get mad,
and hit me with a car antenna.
Eh... Maybe that's the way kids are.
No. Not really.
So I adopt him,
help him get his citizenship.
The second the papers come through,
guess what happens?
I already know.
Bam! They shack up together in Barstow.
It turns out Andreas
- is her boyfriend, Brad.
- Mmm-hmm.
I did not see it coming.
I actually did, about one,
two words into your story.
The moral of this fable is,
it's good to know when you're beaten.
- You know I think the world of you, Brad.
- Thank you.
But if I'm being completely honest,
even I'm rooting for Dusty.
He's just so damn likeable.
You know, it's getting kind of late.
Shouldn't we just get back to work?
Okay, you win.
So where are we on The Panda Jam
numbers for next summer?
London, you still on the conference call?
Dusty Mayron, you crazy hijo de puta!
- (LAUGHS) Hey, what's up, Doc?
- (EXCLAIMING)
You look great, man. You still
rocking those Ironmans, huh?
Yeah, bro.
I just finished Brazil in 11:40.
- That's unbelievable.
- Yeah. Well, come on.
Ain't nothing on you, man.
Hey, my first race,
I'm limping across the finish line
when this ******* laps me.
I mean, come on, who wins an Ironman,
then decides to go around again?
Who does that?
It sounds exhausting.
Hey, I'm Dr. Francisco. You must be Sara.
Hi. (LAUGHS)
Dusty, you were not lying
about this one. Very nice.
And you weren't lying
about this one either.
You must be Chief Glowing Sack.
What? (LAUGHS)
Hey, come on,
I'm just lighting you up, man.
Come on, little hug.
Okay, come on back, y'all.
Let's take a look.
All right. So let's run it down.
I think we can safely say that your issue
has nothing to do with X-rays.
You know what, sweetheart, come here.
Let's see that pretty little hand.
Okay. Now put it right in here.
- Oh!
- Okay, you feel that?
- Yeah.
- Okay, that is not how you want
testicles to be shaped.
Really? It feels like all the other...
Hi.
Well, it cuts off blood flow, okay?
Limits potency.
You want them to...
You know what? Actually...
- Hey, Dusty!
- Hey.
- Why is he coming in here?
- Little help in here, please.
Oh, come on. You gotta put me
through this every time?
- Come on. Be a sport.
- All right.
Oh, my God! What are you doing?
Is this even ethical?
(GASPS) James and the Giant Peach.
(GULPS)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
It's okay, I gulp every time.
You see, this... This is what you want.
Plump and bulbous.
Glassy smooth, like
two Patrick Stewarts,
you know what I mean?
Don't embarrass me in front
of Sara like this anymore, okay?
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, sorry, bro.
So, ready to milk the cow,
see if we even got a sliver of hope here?
Hey, Dusty, come on, buddy. Want to
try to break your own record?
Oh, no, I'm good.
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, come on, man.
I'm doing you a favor here.
Give me something to brag
about at the next symposium.
All right, fine. You want to break
the record, I gotta break the record.
(LAUGHS) Yeah. Kid came to play.
Should I grab a big cup, too?
What? Stop screwing around.
Come on. We're burning daylight here.
(DOOR OPENS)
(WOMEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
(SIGHS)
(ALL GASPING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hello. Quick question.
How difficult would it be
for someone to whip up
a batch of your Cinnabons?
Would you need restaurant-grade ovens?
Bradsky. Could you
pass this along to Dusty?
It's his first resids check.
Disclaimer. It's more than you make.
- Don't get worried about it.
- How much more than...
Oh, and tell him, 8:30 sharp at my house.
He doesn't need to bring anything.
All right, buddy?
I've never been to your house.
No, you haven't.
SARA: Oh, my God, my hair, it looks awful.
Doesn't Mommy's hair look pretty?
- No. Next slide, please.
- DUSTY: Oh, okay.
- Slides. Fun.
- DUSTY: Aw...
Cool. You guys climbed that?
Yuck. Why are you guys kissing
in every single picture?
Oh, Mommy used to kiss Daddy a lot.
SARA: Married people kiss a lot.
DUSTY: Ready?
Wow, China.
I loved it there.
Dylan, you were created right
there on that wall, buddy.
- Really?
- Dusty, that's enough.
- DUSTY: Okay, next slide.
- (SARA LAUGHS)
That's where your mom and I met,
doing The King and I in summer stock.
SARA: God, that costume was so tight.
(LAUGHS)
Next slide, please.
Oh, my God.
- MEGAN: Is that baby me?
- SARA: Mmm-hmm.
All right, you guys, let's,
um, get ready for bed.
- Okay?
- DUSTY: It's story time, Mayron family!
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
MEGAN: We don't have to wait
for Mr. Whitaker, do we?
I really don't like you,
but that **** is heartbreaking.
(DOOR CLOSING)
MEGAN: Yay! Griff's home!
So the King raised his mighty sword
and rained steel down upon the Step King.
But the Step King
blocked it with his shield.
And swung his cat o'nine tails
into the King's smug face.
Which the King easily brushed aside
like the feather of a gull.
And then the King did counter
with a barrage of slashes
and thrusts so fast and precise
that the Step King had no way to parry.
BOTH: Yay!
But he did. He did.
He parried all of them.
- Easily. It was no big deal.
- BOTH: Aw.
Then he grabbed the King's
sword right out of his hand
and smashed it over his knee.
BOTH: Boo!
That's when the King pulled out
a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!
Which is completely anachronistic.
So if we're doing any time period,
then the Step King just happened to be
wearing Kevlar body armor.
- Concussion grenade!
- Hand grenade.
- Rocket launcher.
- Missile launcher.
- Air strike.
- Nuclear strike.
- Black hole.
- God.
We know what this comes down to.
The Step King was very upset
because when the real King
pulled out his sword,
it was long and shiny,
and the Step King
did shudder at the size of it.
And while the Step King acknowledged
that the King carried a mighty,
beautifully engraved broadsword,
all the maidens in the land
preferred the more average-sized
Step King's sword because
it knew how to listen.
- (SCOFFS)
- And the King needs to realize
he's a guest in his castle
and he better mind his P's and Q's
because the Step King
has had it up to here
with the King's bull****!
Brad said a naughty word.
Kids, I'm so sorry you had to hear
that inappropriate language.
Make sure you tell your mother.
Brad, can I talk to you
in the hall, please?
(SIGHS)
Brad, what just happened in there, man?
(WHISPERING) Look, the Step King
should not have
used inappropriate language in front of
the Prince and Princess, he admits that.
Why are you still saying it
like that, Brad?
We're out in the hall.
I don't know. I'm upset.
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- Hold on.
Oh-ho-ho! Hello?
Yeah, Brad's here, he's doing good.
Hey, it's Dr. Francisco.
He wants us all to come in tomorrow.
9:30 work for you?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Yeah,
we'll see you then.
All right, bud. Come on, man.
The doctor will be with you in a moment.
ALL: Thank you.
(SARA GRUNTING)
Hey, Brad, whatever happens
here, I just want you to know
that I'm proud of you for doing your best.
- Okay?
- Thank you.
Hello, hello. Okay.
I'm going to cut right to the chase.
Sara, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
Oh, God. That is a tough break. I'm sorry.
Damn, that is a real shame.
My heart is melting.
Yeah, it's a real shame, Sara.
A real shame that
you're gonna have to put up
with Brad here pounding away on you
over and over,
now that he's got a fighting chance
of getting you pregnant.
- (GASPING)
- What? Oh, my God!
- Holy moly!
- Oh, my God.
Hey, Doc, Doc, don't give them
a false sense of hope.
Remember what you said about
the blood flow and the screwy 'nads?
Yeah, well, Brad has you
to thank for that, Dusty.
Okay, in lab rats,
whenever another alpha male
comes around, it can spike testosterone,
driving up sperm counts.
Now, no guarantees, okay?
But with my help, Brad,
I think you got enough left in the tank
to make it all the way to baby town.
That's so wonderful. Thank you.
- BOTH: Thank you so much.
- Of course.
- Can we give you a hug?
- Oh, yeah. Come on in.
BRAD: Oh, my gosh.
- Did not expect this.
- Mmm...
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
You virile sea snake, you.
- I underestimated you, Brad.
- Yes, you did.
I can finally give Sara everything,
and it feels good.
Now, listen, this is what you need to do.
You need to go and pee outside
the room that Dusty sleeps in.
He's gonna smell your urine and know that
your virility is not to be taken lightly.
It's good advice.
I did it last year in the lobby.
Oh, I remember. It was a health hazard.
It scared the FedEx guy.
No, I'm going to take
the high road on this one.
Okay, fine, take the high road.
But jam a baby up in there
as quickly as you can, Brad.
Because, in the end, if Sara
does choose Dusty over you,
he has to be stepdad to your baby.
- How beautiful is that?
- (LAUGHS)
Come on, five it.
No. You know, it feels strange
to high-five over the custody
of my unborn child.
I've been on Dusty's team.
I'm trying to jump over
to the winning team Brad.
- Get on this.
- I'd really rather not.
I'm trying to share a moment
with you here. Please five me.
It feels... No, thanks.
- Got it!
- Wait. No.
- Sweet.
- It didn't count.
I love you, Brad.
It's not a binding high-five.
Fat beans in there.
- Dusty?
- Brad.
What can I do for you?
Oh, wow, that's some impressive up-downs.
Look, uh,
what you did for Sara and me,
that's a life-changer, and
I just wanted to say thank you.
And I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?
Well, here's the thing.
I mean, you show up,
here's this guy who's cool and exciting.
I guess I felt a little competitive, and
slightly insecure, and I start thinking,
well, maybe you want to challenge me.
But today you proved that
all you really care about
is our family's happiness.
Oh, man.
I'm humbled.
I mean it. And you know what?
You're right. I was challenging you, Brad.
- Yeah?
- The truth?
I see this new man in my kids' life.
He's kind and caring and successful,
and I don't even want to like you.
But I can't help it. I like you, Brad.
Really?
I was determined to push you out
and get my family back.
I was underhanded
and disingenuous about it.
I feel like a monster.
No. No, no, no.
(SIGHS)
At the risk of being disrespectful,
I want you to shut your mouth.
You are allowed
to have those feelings. Okay?
Heck, we're talking about
your own children here, for cripes' sake.
Clean slate?
Absolutely.
Come here.
(SIGHS)
You know what's funny?
You're not even sweating,
after doing all those push-ups.
That's exemplary.
(SIGHS)
Thank you, Dusty.
Thank you, Brad.
Oh, uh...
You know, all that stuff about pushing
me out and taking over my family,
I mean, we're through all that, right?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm here to defeat you
and take back my family.
That can't change.
But now I'll follow your noble example
and do it above board.
Honestly. Like a man. Like you.
But we just hugged. You said you like me.
Oh, I do like you, Brad, very much.
It doesn't make this any easier.
You know I'm gonna have to tell Sara
what you said in here today.
Of course.
It would be irresponsible not to.
She's not gonna like it.
She's gonna want you out.
You're right about that, Brad.
What the hell are you up to?
I just told you what I'm up to.
My head is spinning right now.
Hey, you got any sweet potatoes? Or yams?
Sweet potatoes or yams?
Griff, you know we have yams, all right?
You made me buy them for you.
I wanted to respect
your house by asking you
before I got them.
I didn't want to just go grab yams.
Okay, I appreciate that.
I'm dealing with something.
- Just go get the yams.
- All right.
Here's the thing. You're right, Dusty.
Yeah. I'm not going to tell Sara.
But I'm gonna prove to you
that I'm the best.
You can eat my dust, Dusty.
Christmas already?
Why didn't anybody tell me?
It's not. It's the middle of April.
- Daddy must have done this!
- BRAD: Ho, ho, ho, ho!
No, he didn't. (LAUGHS)
- Brad.
- Ho, ho!
Claus is the name.
Santa Claus, if you please.
But this Brad you speak of called me
all the way up at the North Pole.
He said his children were so sad because
their biological father had missed so many
Christmases and birthdays
and special family holidays,
so he asked me
to come here today so that Dusty
could experience one Christmas
with his kids before he leaves again.
Probably for a long, long time.
Ho, ho, ho!
Can we open presents?
You sure can, little girl.
I think they're from Brad.
In fact, all the presents are from Brad.
Let's see if any of the
presents are from Dusty.
Nope. Not one present from Dusty.
All from Brad.
Hey, kids, let's not forget
who got you a dog. Remember?
Hey, Tumor, quit humping Mrs. Claus!
(GROWLING)
Okay, I am officially worried about you.
Don't worry, Claus hasn't forgotten you.
Huh?
- For me?
- Yeah.
(GASPS)
Oh, my God, honey, it's beautiful.
I love it.
Wait, no! No! No, no. It's too much.
(TUMOR BARKS)
Oh, no, it looks like Tumor's
given away Megan's big gift.
(SCREAMING JOYFULLY)
A pony! A pony! A pony!
I know, it's a pony!
- Ho, ho, ho!
- (CONTINUES SCREAMING)
It's a pony, Dusty! A pony!
Can we name her Princess Elsa?
You can name him whatever you want,
because it's yours!
Brad, how can we afford a pony?
Where are we even going to put that thing?
I can clear out some stable
space in the garage.
Look, it's only half a horse.
Okay? Think of it like
a big dog, only a lot better.
Oh, what's this? What the heck?
It's tickets to tonight's
NBA playoff game...
- What?
- ...against Dylan's favorite team,
the Los Angeles Lakers?
Oh, thanks, Brad! You're the coolest!
I love you, Brad!
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Merry Christmas, Whitaker family!
GRIFF: Christmas?
How long was I asleep for?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
- You guys got enough candy?
- Yeah!
Remember, you can have anything
you want, 'cause it's Christmas!
No, it isn't. It's not Christmas, kids.
- BRAD: All right. Here we are.
- Oh, sick! We're this close?
Yeah. Pretty good, right?
Megan, you sit down right there.
Perfect. Dylan, you sit next to me.
And, Dusty, I'm so sorry. Yeah.
I could only get four in a row.
I couldn't get five.
So you're across the aisle,
next to that gentleman.
All right, guys, I'll be right here.
- We can still chat.
- Bye, Daddy.
Look, there's Kobe! It's him!
He's right there.
Thank you, Brad, this is the best present
I've ever gotten.
- You are so welcome.
- In my whole life.
I'm glad to hear it's the
best present you've ever got!
How much did these seats cost?
Not too much.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give a big welcome
to all the kids from Hearts of Courage.
Whoo! Hearts of Courage kids!
Proud of you, you're all miracles!
Whoo! I love kids!
All right, honey. That's plenty.
I just get excited
when I'm with my family!
Dusty! Dusty Mayron!
- Marco? Hey!
- (MARCO LAUGHS)
What's up, man? Are you coaching now?
Yeah, I'm the new strength
and conditioning coach.
- Oh, man.
- Check you out.
Hey, I played ball with him in Italy.
This is my family. My little guy, Dylan.
He's the biggest Kobe fan in the world.
Really? Well, come on down.
I'll introduce you.
- What?
- What? You hear that?
You want to meet Kobe?
MARCO: Bring the whole family down.
You guys can sit with the team.
Hey, this is my little girl, Megan.
She just invited me to her first
Daddy-Daughter Dance.
- So sweet.
- What did he just say?
What the hell did he just say?
Oh, sorry. He's okay.
No, I'm not okay. He's not okay.
- Honey, you need to calm down.
- No! I'm not gonna calm down.
She asked me first!
And now she's asking him?
No. It's not fair.
You know what, actually, it's very fair.
Okay? She has two dads.
She wants you both there.
You just have to accept that.
No, I'm not going to accept it. All right?
I do pick-up! I do drop-off!
Okay, I volunteer at school!
I listen to the tantrums and the crying
and the soundtrack of Frozen
that's on a goddamn loop all the time!
And he just waltzes in for a few days,
and now he gets to go as well? No!
No, she's got to choose.
It's either me or him!
- Megan, you got to choose!
- (SARA SHUSHING)
- You got to choose!
- SARA: Hey!
It's the biggest decision of your life!
Hey!
You know what? I'm going to pretend
you're not acting like a crazy person,
because I know you're very upset.
But you need to get over yourself. Okay?
Now go down there and
be happy with your kids.
No! A scalper gouged me 18 grand
for these seats. I'm not leaving them!
What?
- (STAMMERING)
- What did you just say?
Yeah. Nothing. Let's just... You're right.
(SIGHS) I'm so much more relaxed now.
Thank you.
Yeah. Let's just go down... Let's just...
No!
I think you should sit
in your $18,000 seats,
and think of all the better ways
your family could have used that money.
Sara.
The guy from the nuclear sub thing?
- Mayron! That's him.
- That's the guy?
Can I get some beers down here?
Can I get five beers?
Excuse me, some beers!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHEERING)
THE WHIP: What's up, everybody?
Let's make some noise!
Whoo-hoo!
Tonight, one lucky fan is going to
get a chance to shoot from half court
to win a family vacation to Disney World!
(ALL CHEERING)
And our lucky fan is sitting in
section 113,
row 6,
C-1. Where is he?
Let's see it. Where is he?
It's me. It's me, I win!
- There he is.
- I win.
I'm-a make it to Disneyland.
I'm-a make it all right.
- All right, Brad!
- Yay, Brad!
Yay, Brad!
All right, sir, how you doing?
What's your name?
First off, I love my kids.
He loves his kids! Let's give it up!
And if anyone was ever
to do anything to them,
- I would hurt them.
- Okay.
I would freakin' hurt them!
THE WHIP: Okay.
This guy over here is trying to take them!
Trying to steal my family.
He doesn't sweat!
Okay, you know what?
Why don't we just shoot...
But I got news for you, buddy!
Last night, while you were sleeping,
I made love to our wife!
- Okay.
- My wife!
BRAD: Sara, right over there!
Took my wiener out of my pants!
This is a family event, okay?
- Boo! Boo!
- All right.
So,
even if Sara does pick you,
you're going to have to be
the stepdad to my kid!
You see how you like it! Okay?
THE WHIP: Let's get somebody else
down here, all right? Somebody else...
Somebody else is going to win
a family trip!
Give me that ball, you.
This one's for Dylan and Megan
and Sara and Dylan.
Nothing but net.
THE WHIP: All right, he's going for it!
Nothing but net!
(GRUNTS)
- (GROANING)
- (ALL GASPING)
Do-over!
- That's a do-over!
- No do-over. No.
It's a do-over!
- (GROANS)
- (ALL GASPING)
(BRAD THUDDING)
(ALL APPLAUDING)
THE WHIP: I'm so sorry
you had to see that. I'm so sorry.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
SARA: Hey, kids, why don't you go inside
and put on your pajamas?
- What are you doing?
- I'm comforting you.
Sara, look... Sorry, too soon. I know.
But I just want you to know
that I'm here for you and the kids.
Oh, really? You want to be
a real parent now? Is that what this is?
Absolutely. I'm here now.
Dusty, I'm working crazy hours this week.
With Brad gone, the kids
are gonna have to be dropped off,
picked up, taken to swimming lessons.
Dylan has a play date with Eli on Tuesday,
and Megan has a dentist
appointment on Friday.
Sara, I know in the past
I've been unreliable,
but this is a new me. All right?
This is the new Dusty.
Well, you can't take them
to school on a motorcycle.
- You need a car.
- Done.
Okay.
Hey! You're not staying here!
Are you sure you don't need
company right now?
I mean, you're going through
a tough transition here.
Be here at 6:30 tomorrow morning.
Well, can I at least
come in and get my stuff?
No!
DUSTY: I'm gonna wait for a while,
in case you change your mind.
(SIGHS)
Hey.
Oh...
What did you throw Griff out for?
- This place is chaotic.
- (SCOFFS)
There's always some bull****
going on in that house.
God, man. Want to go to the Red Roof Inn?
Let's do it.
Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
(MUFFLED) Yes, sir.
DORIS: Okay. No running!
All right. Lindsey! Sloane!
Car's open right down there!
Okay, sir, inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Keep it inside...
That's right! Thank you.
(CAR ENGINE REVVING)
Hi. I see you've been picking up
Megan and Dylan these past few days.
Should I expect you from now on?
Um, yeah, I'm their real dad,
so yeah, from now on.
Terrific. I see that you also haven't
signed up to volunteer in the lane.
Brad was so good about
helping us out in the lane,
in the classroom, PTA, and so forth.
We could always count on him
for bake sales, Spring Sing,
costumes for Winter Pageant.
You know the drill.
I hope I can count on you
to be the new Brad.
Ah, sure, yeah. You can count on me.
I mean, I'm their real dad,
so, yeah, I'll be here every day.
Great. So, if your kids aren't out here,
I'm gonna need you to circle around
to the back of the line. Okay?
- No, I can't go around.
- Thanks.
I came ten minutes early
so I don't have to...
If your kids aren't here,
you have to go around!
I know. There's somebody
in front of me. Okay?
Just go around!
I can't just go over the
cones! I'm boxed in here!
- Go around!
- No, you can't! Okay?
She said stay in the cone, like ice cream!
- (HONKING)
- Go around!
DORIS: Inside the cones!
Amanda has got a recital!
I have to get there! You need to go!
(HORN HONKING CONTINUES)
(REVVING ENGINE)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
- DORIS: Hey!
We always stay inside the cones!
Cones! (GRUNTING)
Cones! Come on!
(MR. HOLT SIGHING)
Have you been living here
for the last few days, Brad?
No.
Then what's with the blankets
and the hot plate
and the B.O.?
I crapped in the wastebasket.
You know, Brad, two years
into my thing with Charlene,
her first husband showed up.
Oriental fellow.
You can't say that.
You cannot say "Oriental."
His name was Yu or Wu.
It could have been Javier.
Anyway, I get off early one day,
get home, and
there he is, stark naked in our bed.
I didn't know what to think.
Really? You didn't know what to think?
Six months later,
I wake up in a Chinese prison
with a tattoo on my lower back
of a golf ball rolling towards my butthole.
I can't hear these stories anymore.
I'm sorry. I know they're
supposed to help...
Griff! What are you doing here?
Thought you should know
Dusty came by the bar earlier.
He was talking about how
he can't do the daddy thing.
I tried to talk some sense into him, but
he seemed determined to get out of town.
What, he's leaving?
I don't think I have to tell you,
but little Megan's dance is tonight,
and she's not going to have a daddy.
That's fantastic. Brad, you win.
And Dusty, because of
an act of cowardice, loses.
I mean, you're the daddy again.
Come on, hit that.
(SIGHS)
No, I'm not her daddy.
I wish more than anything I was,
but I'm not.
Yeah, you're right, Brad. A real dad
wouldn't give up on his kids so easy.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Griff!
Wait!
He's still in the room, Brad.
Oh, hey.
Sorry. I thought you stormed out.
What you said sounded like a storm-out,
and then I heard the door close.
I just thought that ****
was getting kind of personal,
so it'd be good to close the door.
So extremely thoughtful. Thank you. Yeah.
And just so you know where my head was at,
I was going to chase you
down the hallway. Right?
You'd hear my footsteps and you're like,
"Is someone after... What's going on?"
Boom! It's me, and I'm like, "Griff, hey!
"You were right."
Holy ****! That would be so uplifting.
Can we do that?
Griff, can you storm out, and Brad,
you go after him?
I don't really want any part of that.
That sounds like pure nonsense to me.
I don't want... I'd rather not.
We could just try it, you know?
No, that sounds forced and weird to try to
recreate something. Not even recreate.
It would be creating. It didn't happen.
It's over-discussed at this point.
Shouldn't you go see your kid?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.
You guys go. Brad, can I come?
No.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Daddy's not coming, is he?
Oh, honey, he'll be here. He promised.
I see cupcakes over there.
I think you should go eat some. Go on.
Go eat a lot of sugar.
(VIBRATING)
Dusty.
- Nope.
- Come on, Dusty.
Where are you going?
I'd pay a billion dollars
to take her to that dance.
- You're just gonna leave?
- You take her then.
I can't take her. Okay?
I'm not welcome after I said
I was gonna put a spite baby
in her mother.
- I guess that's out, then.
- Yeah, that is out.
- So it's gotta be you.
- (SIGHS)
I'm sorry, Brad,
I just can't do it, all right?
What do you mean, you can't do it?
I can't stay inside the cones.
Look, Dusty, the cones are
there for everyone's safety.
- It's not about the cones.
- You just said it was.
The cones are a metaphor, Brad.
I'm not the domestic type, okay?
Dusty, come on.
What are you talking about?
You're organized, you're handy.
You make the best cinnamon rolls
I have ever tasted.
Those were Cinnabons, Brad. Come on.
You can't make rolls like that
in a conventional oven.
I knew it! I knew it.
I knew it from the beginning!
So you've been telling
some tall tales, huh?
- All that Special Ops stuff.
- No, just the Cinnabons!
Why would you lie about Cinnabons?
'Cause I wanted to win. All right?
I wanted to prove that
I was a good dad, too, but I'm not.
Okay? Are you happy?
Is that what you want to hear?
All the noise and the mess
and all the choices.
You do one thing wrong,
you can screw them up for life.
- Do you realize that?
- Yeah.
Dads have to make a lot of choices, okay?
And we blow most of them.
Yeah, and the other parents.
That kid, Eli. I was over there
for a play date. You know about this?
You can't just ride your bike
over to a friend's house,
to play Hot Wheels anymore,
now you got to make some kind of date?
- I know, it's a shame.
- Well, I'm over there,
and the kid's dad keeps
asking me if Dylan's gonna be
in the gifted program with Eli.
Like Dylan isn't as smart as
his little ball-scratcher kid.
I wanted to murder that smug prick.
Dusty, look, I hate that guy, too, okay?
But his son is Dylan's best friend,
so you suck it up.
(STUTTERING) I mean, that's most of
what dads do, is take ****.
I mean, that's what we do.
I can't do it, Brad.
I can't take **** like you do.
You take **** better than
anyone I've ever met,
and I mean that as a compliment
from the bottom of my heart.
- Thank you.
- But I'm sorry, Brad. I can't.
I can't do it, man.
You made a promise to Megan,
and you're gonna keep it.
Ow!
(GROANING)
Did you just punch me in the face, Brad?
Ow, yes.
Knowing full well I got no choice
but to bust you up now?
I really wish you wouldn't.
If I did, you'd take that beatdown
for those kids, wouldn't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I would.
- Come on.
- Good luck, Dusty.
What? No, no, you gotta come.
It's just... I can't see Sara
after what I said.
Sara loves you, Brad. All right?
I know just what to say to her.
You just stand there
and look lost without her.
- I am lost without her.
- Well, that's good. Then let's go.
- But I look terrible.
- Yeah, you do. Come here.
- What are you doing?
- I'm fixing you up, man.
Dusty, get your hands out of my pants.
Calm down. Think I want to
touch your little dinky?
I'm trying to fix you up.
All right. Let me see.
Wow. I look great.
Here you go.
- That's incredible.
- Come on.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
SARA: Hey, pumpkin.
Daddy wanted to be here,
I know he did. He just gets...
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Uh-oh.
She's doing her arms-folded thing.
You said she'd smile.
Maybe even start a slow clap.
Don't worry, I got this. Okay? Come on.
Oh, hey, look, it's the guy that
stranded his kids at school.
And look who he's with.
Did you get anybody pregnant
on your way over here, Brad?
No, I didn't.
- DUSTY: Sara, listen...
- No!
- Sara, please.
- No. I am not going to listen to you.
You know what? Your daughter's been
sitting there for two hours, heartbroken.
Sara, I am so sorry...
Oh, just, please. Will one of you idiots
just ask your daughter to dance?
- Really?
- SARA: Yes.
Neither one of you deserves her, but yes.
- Go ahead, Dusty.
- No, you take the first one.
You've earned it more than I have.
Dusty, please, she's your daughter.
What the hell did I miss?
I'll tell you what. I'll vouch for you
to the kids and I'll take the first dance.
I'll say my good-byes,
and then I'll get out of your hair.
Wait, wait. When you say
"get out of your hair,"
you mean leave, like leave-leave? Tonight?
Daddy! Brad! The fourth graders are here.
They're picking on Dylan again.
That's it.
Those little ****heads are dead.
Where are they?
DUSTY: Those are the fourth graders?
- They're girls.
- Uh-huh. They're so mean.
Why are you even here at
the Daddy-Daughter Dance?
Are you a daughter? Are you a girl?
Are you too scared to take me on
without your little friends?
- Oh, no, he's calling out the big one.
- Oh-oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
Come on!
Dylan!
- (ALL GASP)
- Yes!
- Dylan, what are you doing?
- Did you see? Did you see?
I punched her in the face,
just like you taught me.
- What?
- And then I kicked her right in the nuts.
You like that, *****? Huh?
- No, no, no!
- You want some more, *****?
Sweetheart, what happened?
What's going on here?
He punched me in the face.
Then he kicked me in the swimsuit area.
Then he called me the "B" word.
Who did, him?
He did. I saw it.
He said they taught him to hit girls.
No, no. We thought
your daughter was a boy.
- What?
- No, what he means is that
Dylan told us that a fourth grader
was picking on him,
but he didn't tell us it was a girl.
Yeah, and if you had, we'd have told you
it's never okay to hit a girl.
And that she's probably only bugging you
because she likes you, buddy.
I do not like him.
Oh, I think she likes him.
Ah, gross, whatever.
She totally does.
Are you calling my daughter a whore?
- What?
- They were implying it, Jerry.
Wait. That's quite a stretch.
Mrs. Troy, please. I got this.
Wait, first of all, which one
of you two is the kid's dad?
They both are.
(GASPS)
Oh, my gosh. Wow!
I'm sorry. That's the first time
he's ever referred to me as Dad.
It's something I've wanted to hear
for a long time, so it's a bit poignant.
I tend to cry a lot
when things get emotional.
They tease me all the time.
- I'm actually the stepdad.
- Oh, is that right?
So you're the real dad, huh!
Hey. You don't want to
embarrass yourself, buddy.
You threatening me now, tough guy?
- He's threatening you, Jerry.
- Nobody's threatening anybody.
But you're gonna want to
back that up, Jerry.
And you, Squidward tie.
Quit being an instigator,
or I'm gonna have to rap you in the mouth.
(YELPS)
Hey, hey, hey. Everyone just calm down.
We're at the Daddy-Daughter Dance.
You stay out of it, all right?
You don't count!
I want to talk to the real dad here.
Hey, Brad here is more of
a real dad than any of us.
You ever want to see how you should be
raising your kids, go look at this guy.
Here I go again. What did I tell you?
- Really? You mean that?
- Yes, I do, Brad.
You're a great dad.
(ALL GASPING)
- Like that?
- You shouldn't have done that.
Yeah? Why?
I'm pretty sure he kills people for a job.
He's been rather vague with me,
but that's what I'm kind of surmising.
- Are we gonna do this?
- DUSTY: Oh, we're gonna do it.
- Okay. You ready?
- DUSTY: Yeah, I'm ready.
- This is what you get.
- MEGAN: Daddy.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Want another one? Come on in.
What's going on?
Is this like some UFC ****?
DUSTY: Come on, Brad.
That's right. It's a dance, Jerry.
Yeah. So dance, Jerry!
Yeah! You just got served, Jerry!
You just got a piping hot serving.
I'm not getting served.
You're getting served!
You don't know this about me, Jerry,
but I like to move my body.
Get it, Brad!
(ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
Yeah! Yeah, Brad!
This is a dance! Let's go!
(ALL CHEERING)
(LAUGHING)
Am I the only one with my shirt off?
You know you can't leave, right?
You want me to stay?
These guys are growing up so fast.
You don't want to miss it.
You're sweating profusely.
- I know. I sweat a lot.
- That's cool.
Thank you.
BRAD: So Dusty did stay.
And with the huge amount of money
he was making as the voice of The Panda,
he built his own new castle
right down the street.
Hey!
But we kept Tumor because he didn't
get along with Dusty's new puppy.
(WHIMPERING)
It turns out Tumor was only five...
- (TUMOR GROWLING)
- ...so we're going to have him
for a long, long time.
- BRAD: Tumor!
- (DOORBELL RINGING)
And I was more than a little surprised
when Dusty showed up one day
with his new wife
and his new stepdaughter.
This is my stepdaughter, Adriana.
- Hey, Adriana. I'm Brad.
- Want to go play?
That's your brother and sister.
You guys play nice, okay?
Hey, hon. Who's at the door?
Oh, hey, Sara. This is my wife, Karen.
Oh, is it... Your wife?
SARA: That Karen, wow, she is so great.
It turns out she's
a doctor and a celebrated
novelist. I mean...
Hon, would you...
- Come here, Griff. Come here, Griff. Oh!
- KAREN: He's so cute.
SARA: And I was so surprised when
I found out that we're the same age.
I mean, she looks so young, right?
Good for her!
Honey, you look amazing tonight.
(LAUGHS) What are you talking about?
It's just my normal clothes.
That's how I look.
I just got ready really fast.
Hey, Griff. Hey, little Griffy.
You want to come to Daddy?
What, you think I'm going to
pick his pockets or something?
- BRAD: No.
- He doesn't carry a wallet.
Oh, sweetie, be careful
with that knife, okay?
You're not my dad.
DUSTY: Brad was right.
Being a stepdad isn't always easy.
But he was also right that it's worth it.
And he was right about the Ford Flex, too.
It's a great family car.
Got plenty of room for the kids,
gear, and plenty of pickup for me.
I got the Weekender package.
A few more bells and whistles than Brad's,
but Brad doesn't need to know that.
(MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING)
(GASPS) Daddy!
Sweetie, I've been waiting for you to...
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
I heard a gulp.
DUSTY: (STAMMERS)
Well, a little bit, maybe.
- BRAD: Sure.
- There you are.
BRAD: He's a lot bigger than you.
He's got legs for arms.
Little star, guess what?
I like him. I like him a lot.
Yeah. I bet you he's
going to like us, too.
- BRAD: Remember, Loving Fence.
- DUSTY: Yeah.
BRAD: Just go say hi.
Yeah, look, I got this, buddy. Watch.
Hey. You must be Roger.
Nope.
(TUNING RADIO)
DUSTY: (SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
JASON SINCLAIR: Caught Kenny G.
At the United Center this weekend.
Man, can that guy put on a show.
20,000 people on their feet
for the entire four hours.
You're listening to Jason Sinclair.
This is The Panda.BRAD: Here's a question for you.
What do kids need more? A father or a dad?
What's the difference?
The way I see it, darn near
anyone can be a father...
(ROARING)
...but not everyone has the patience
or the devotion to be a dad.
As for me...
Anybody caught a Monarch yet?
...I've always wanted to be a dad.
Let me tell you, I love it!
Yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
And I love my Ford Flex.
It treats me to a smooth ride,
and you know what?
It didn't break the bank.
Room enough for the whole family.
Yes, I love being a dad.
And I love these two adorable
little rays of sunshine.
Hey, Dylan! Good morning.
Whatever.
BRAD: Okay. I'm not their real dad.
Good morning, Mr. Whitaker.
- I'm their stepdad.
- Good morning, Megan.
Can you please put this on the fridge?
Well, sure. Did you do
another drawing of our family?
- Uh-huh.
- Huh?
That's me and Dylan and Mommy.
So great.
And over here, far, far away,
is you.
Oh? And am I wearing a baseball cap?
That's the knife in your head
'cause I was killing you in the eye.
Oh, I see.
Well, I love how you drew my hair.
That's poop.
Well, it's well-drawn.
And I'm guessing it's dog poop?
That's homeless man poop.
Oh.
All right. (SIGHING)
BRAD: I actually can't
father my own children,
ever since I hit a little
snafu at a dental office.
(MUFFLED) I've got
a little bit of a gag reflex.
Uh, close your eyes, breathe through
your nose, you'll be fine.
Oh. Okay.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(MACHINE SQUEAKING)
(BEEPS)
Oh, you got a really weird tongue.
You need to floss better.
BRAD: Ever since then, my testicles have
been more decorative than anything else.
Hey!
And I thought I'd never have a family.
Until I met a stunning mom named Sara.
Would you look at her?
I am one lucky so-and-so.
I hit the jackpot.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry I'm taking so long.
I have to show that Sixty West
building to those new clients.
- I know.
- (GASPS)
- Oh, my God! The kids' lunches.
- Already packed. I wrote them
little inspirational notes
to start them on their day.
They've already eaten their breakfasts,
and you look perfect.
You are amazing.
Look at this, huh? Another family drawing.
Oh, no. I am so sorry.
No, I think you're misunderstanding.
This is the first drawing
where I'm not dead already.
Sure, I've got a knife in my eye
and some homeless man poop on my head,
(SIGHING)
but this is showing real progress.
I think she's starting to accept me.
You can find the good
in just about anything.
I love that about you. You know that?
Thanks.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello. I'm home.
Hey.
How was the, uh...
What's wrong?
He won't talk to me.
He said he only wants to talk to you.
You want to talk to me?
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
- You mean me and your mom?
- Mmm-mmm.
- Just me? By myself?
- Mmm-hmm.
Sure. I'm...
I'm totally free. Let's go to the den.
We'll sit there.
We'll sit.
We can do it sitting or standing?
Doesn't matter. We're just gonna do it.
We're not gonna overthink it.
Yeah. Great. Okay, good.
Just the men, yeah.
A little rap session. Great.
(WHISPERING) Oh, my God.
I just want you to know that
I'm just here to listen. All right?
No judgments, no lectures,
just a compassionate ear.
- Well, there are these kids at school...
- Mmm-hmm.
...and they're bigger than me,
because they're fourth graders.
- (SHUTTER CLICKING)
- And...
Oh, was that weird?
I'm sorry, I'm just...
It's a big moment for me,
and I'm just trying to capture it.
It just came off awkward.
So, go ahead, continue telling
your story. Fourth graders.
Anyway, there are
these fourth graders, and...
He actually confided in me.
I mean, it was that father-son feeling
I've been dying for,
and it was even better than
I thought it was gonna be.
(SIGHS) I mean, he really needed me. Me.
That is so great, honey.
He even said not to tell you.
So I'm actually totally betraying
his trust right now. (CHUCKLES)
What are we gonna do about
those little snot-nosed fourth graders?
Oh, I think it's going to be fine.
He's going to try to do some
trust falls on the playground.
Really? You think that's gonna work?
As long as they catch him. Yeah.
Hey, Brad.
Yeah?
If I ask you something,
you promise you won't cry again?
Of course, sweetie. What is it?
Well, at school,
they told us about this thing,
and it's called a Daddy-Daughter Dance.
(GASPING)
So, do you want to go with me?
(SOBBING)
You said you wouldn't cry, Brad.
I'm not. Megan, yes. A million times yes.
I thought big people
weren't supposed to cry.
I think it's sweet that he's
crying like a little *****.
(GASPS) Megan!
You are not supposed
to call people that word.
You know what? It takes a real
man to show his emotions.
(SOBBING LOUDLY)
All right, that's a bit much.
VIZZINI: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
FEZZIK: Anybody want a peanut?
(ALL LAUGHING)
BRAD: We were finally becoming a family.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- I'll get it!
After being pushed away
and treated like an outsider,
I was finally becoming
the dad that I always knew I could...
Daddy!
Hi! Where are you?
Where's Cameroon?
Is that gunfire? Cool!
MEGAN: Daddy, Daddy!
I want to talk to Daddy.
Hi, Daddy.
Good.
- So your ex is calling, huh?
- (SIGHS) Yeah.
What a treat for the kids.
It's been a long time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
We're watching a really funny
movie with Mommy and Brad.
Oh, Brad is Mommy's new husband.
Wait. He doesn't know about me?
Well, I haven't talked to him
in six months.
We've been married eight months.
Brad, Daddy wants to talk to you.
- No! No, no. Don't, don't...
- I'm just going to say hi.
You don't need to do that. Brad, don't.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you, sweetie.
Hello, Dusty?
Super to make your acquaintance.
In fact, I just wish
I could shake your hand
and offer to buy you a cold one.
- Tomorrow?
- What?
BOTH: Daddy's coming! Yay!
Oh, yeah, I guess I could pick you up.
- (WHISPERS) No.
- Hmm?
It's Whitaker.
W-H-I-T-A-K-E-R. (CHUCKLES)
No, I'm not comfortable giving you
my Social Security number over the phone.
Uh, okay, yeah, my credit score is 752.
I'm very proud of that. (CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry? What sort of fighting styles
am I proficient in?
I don't know if I've ever been
asked that before.
Hello, Dusty, hello, hello? Hmm...
I lost him.
What just happened?
Did you just invite him to come here?
Is he coming tomorrow?
Well, I didn't know
he'd accept my offer so soon.
I mean, he really jumped at it.
Remember when I said he was like Jesse
James and Mick Jagger had a baby?
Yeah, I just thought maybe
he was really skinny and
jittery, and had like a little bit
of a British accent, or something.
He's wild and he's crazy.
That's why I fell in love with him.
Then you end up with two kids.
And I'm stuck there holding the bag and
he's nowhere to be found.
It doesn't matter how much love or passion,
or you can't breathe without each other.
All of that stuff is stupid in comparison.
When you have kids,
you have responsibilities.
He doesn't understand that.
Honey, this is actually a good thing.
- (SIGHS)
- I'll welcome Dusty into our home,
and we'll establish some kind
but firm boundaries.
All right? It's what Step-By-Stepdad
calls "setting up a Loving Fence."
A Loving Fence?
Wow, that sounds really great, honey.
But your self-help books
have never met Dusty Mayron.
He sounds like a rascal, but I don't
think it's anything I can't handle.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
PANDA SINGER: Check. Check, check.
Chinese Checkers,
Czech, Czech Republic, pop,
sibilance, sibilance, pop,
one, two, six, seven,
check, check, check, check.
What do you got for me, Brad?
Oh, Mr. Holt, hello. Well, hopefully
the new voice of The Panda.
Oh, listen.
I gotta leave early today. I gotta go
pick up my wife's ex at the airport.
Jesus, kid, how'd you
draw that **** detail?
Brad, why do you want
this deadbeat in your home?
Well, it's not that I want him in my home,
it's just that the better
stepparenting books
say that the worst thing you can do
for the kids is to push out the biological.
You're in the danger zone here,
Brad, and let me tell you why.
Kids that grow up without their dads
always end up obsessing over them.
Most of the hook-ups
that I've had in my adult life
have been with women
that had daddy issues.
I don't know if this is
an appropriate story.
Look, my wife would kill me
if she knew I was telling you this.
Well, then you shouldn't tell me this.
When I met her in Denver...
You're going to tell
the story, aren't you?
...she was a topless maid.
- Ninety-nine bucks an hour.
- Mmm-hmm.
Never met her father.
But who did she meet? Me.
And who did treat her like ****? Me.
I eventually loved her,
but every time she got out of line,
I'd just pull the Humvee over
and ask her to get out politely.
And then I'd drive away.
Guess what?
She showed up at home every time.
This story has no relevance
to my situation.
Oh, it doesn't at all.
It's just a good story.
So, Pete, are we going
to hear this guy, or what?
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
I'm sorry.
Keep it up, Brad.
You and I will fight in the parking lot.
BRAD: So today is the day I'm finally
meeting the father of my children.
Am I nervous? You're darn right I am.
But who wouldn't be? (SIGHS DEEPLY)
And here's the thing.
I mean, Pepe, you know, kids...
...they see through things and,
at the end of the day,
they know who's been around...
Holy balls!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I hope that's not him.
(GULPING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
There is no doubt this man
is your better in every way.
Well, you're kind to say that. Thank you.
Yeah, I feel pretty good.
- Hey, you Dusty?
- Nope.
What?
Are you sure?
Are you Dusty... No, you're not Dusty.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(ON RADIO) You've got
Jason Sinclair on The Panda,
the station everybody
in the office can agree on.
What is this?
Now if you're up in Wolf Trap this weekend,
do yourself a favor and check out...
(DOOR OPENING)
Hey! Where have you been?
I called you like 100 times.
(SIGHS) I know, my phone died. Look...
This motorcycle, is this...
Yes. He's here.
- He's here?
- Yes.
What's he doing inside there?
He's giving the kids
all kinds of Starbursts.
Starbursts? God damn it!
Sorry. Sorry. (EXHALES)
I'm a hot habanero pepper right now.
I got a few bullet points I want to
bring up with our friend Dusty,
starting with airport etiquette,
courtesy and expectation.
MEGAN: Oh, good story, Daddy!
You like that story? It's all true. Hey!
Who wants some more Starbursts and
a couple of uncirculated silver dollars?
So you are Dusty.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I sure am. You must be
the new and improved husband.
Bring it in, big guns.
I already met you at the airport.
No, I don't recall that, friend.
Yeah, I walked right up to you
and asked if you were Dusty.
I'm pretty sure I'd remember
a heavy hitter like yourself.
(SCOFFS)
Well, must have been my mistake.
All right, that was me at the airport.
- Yeah, I know that.
- The truth is,
I saw you before you saw me,
and I'm thinking,
"This is the guy who's raising my kids?"
"And damn it if he doesn't
look like the real deal."
I mean, look at you.
You figured it out, didn't you?
You cracked the code.
(CHUCKLES) I don't know about that.
Don't play that humble game with me.
He is so humble. He's just too humble.
Honey, you got it goin' on.
Everybody says so.
Yeah, I got it goin' way on.
So you can understand
why I panicked at the airport.
- I froze, Brad. I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
Look, these are tricky waters to navigate.
They sure are, man. I mean,
that is insightful.
You know, I thought it was weird Sara
didn't tell me about you before.
I thought, what's she hiding?
And now I know.
A champion.
Hey, Brad! Did you see Dad's motorcycle?
Isn't it cool?
BRAD: It sure is.
What is that, an Indian?
Yep.
I believe they're manufactured
in Minneapolis.
I've never been, but that's the setting
for The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
And... What's the other... Rhoda.
Which I want to say was a spin-off.
Damn! You really know
your bikes, Brad. You ride?
Uh-huh. Yeah!
- Really?
- BRAD: Yeah.
I mean, not anymore. I did, you know,
back in college. I had a, um...
I had a Kawa-saki? Kawasaki Nine.
Yeah.
With the fenders and the...
The broil joint. So...
Well, you should get on her, man. Come on!
Take her out, see what she can do.
She's got a lot of power.
Oh, no, no, no.
Yeah, Brad! Brad... Please!
No. Hey, come on, kids. It's time for bed.
It's way past your bedtime.
Let's brush your teeth.
All right, come on, guys,
listen to your mom. Hey, look...
(STUTTERS) I don't want to overstep, but
it would mean the world to me
if I could tuck in our two little blessings.
Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course.
They're your kids. Tuck away.
Oh, thank you for that, Brad.
The King messed up. He messed up bad.
He thought he could just
ride off to slay dragons,
and his Queen would always be
waiting for him.
And then one day the King received word
that his dominion was being ruled over
by some curly-headed Step King
with good credit?
Oh, no!
Well, the King rode hard up on his lands,
and when he arrived,
he did gaze fondly upon the Queen,
remembering their good times together,
for he had known her in her prime,
when she was down for anything,
and I do mean anything.
Psst...
Sounds like your dad's spinning
quite a yarn. Mind if I listen in?
Oh, actually, it's getting late.
You two need to get some sack time.
BOTH: No, we want more story, please!
Hey, I'd love to be in here all night,
but let's be respectful of Brad's rules,
no matter how arbitrary they seem.
All right?
Good night, my little golden treasures.
Good night, my little magical cherubs.
- Here comes some butterfly kisses.
- (GIGGLING)
And some Eskimo kisses.
Good night, buddy.
Sleep tight. Sleep tight.
Hey, who wants good-night tickles?
- BOTH: Me!
- (DUSTY CHUCKLES)
Good night, my little breath of God.
Good night, my little Jesus teardrop.
I almost forgot, my famous
good-night back scratches.
- Oh, so relaxing, so relaxing.
- (SIGHING)
Good night, sweetie bear.
Hey, who wants twenty bucks?
- BOTH: I do! Me!
- Twenty dollars?
- What?
- Oh, yeah.
One for you, and one for you.
I don't know if that's appropriate.
Ah, don't worry about it.
BRAD: Okay. Good night.
So, uh, if you want to, why don't you
come by tomorrow after school?
Might be a good time to...
What about the cold one?
The cold one?
You promised me
a cold one and a handshake.
Cold one. One cold one, coming up.
Great. I'll grab my jacket,
we'll go outside.
Perfect. All right.
Hey! Psst...
What are you doing?
What are you guys buddies now?
No. I mean, I offered him a cold one.
I really should honor
the cold one promise.
(SIGHS) Fine. You give him a cold one,
and then you get rid of him, okay?
You put up your Loving Fence,
- remember?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Then you come to bed.
- Okay.
- Will do.
- Okay.
DUSTY: What you got going on over here?
Oh, uh, that's a treehouse. A little, uh,
bonding project for Dylan and I.
Yeah, we've been at it
for about two months.
DUSTY: It's looking good.
BRAD: Thank you.
So, Dusty, how long do you think
you're going to be in town for?
Well, Brad, the truth is,
I'm wheels-up a week from tomorrow.
Time to get out there and
kick some ass for America.
Oh, I see. So you're a soldier?
Nope.
Oh, so you're a, uh...
Yep.
Yep, what?
(CHUCKLES) You don't want to know
any more than that, Brad.
Okay.
Um, listen, Dusty, I think that we should
set up a visitation schedule.
Right? That way, you feel like
you have ample time with the children...
Why don't we cut the ****, Brad?
No, we don't have to cut the ****.
You want to know what I'm doing here,
why don't you quit looking at
whatever you wrote on your hand?
Be a man and ask me, Brad.
Okay. What are you doing here?
Now, we both know kids need
a single primary male role model.
Sara's made her choice.
I'm man enough to
let that role model be you.
I will vouch for you with my children.
I will give them my sacred
permission to trust you.
To love you and to
call you Dad.
You'd do that for me?
No.
But I will do it for them.
That is what you want, isn't it, Brad?
More than anything in the world.
He played you.
You just got so played out there.
I know it looks that way, 'cause
I promised I would ask him to leave,
and then I invited him to stay for a week,
but he didn't play me.
You know what he did? He cut the ****.
- Oh, he did?
- And I gotta say, it was refreshing.
I think more of us could stand
to just cut the ****, you know.
- Right.
- In one conversation,
he just blew by
eight chapters in my stepdad book.
I mean, this is gonna be so good
for me and the kids.
Oh, baby, you have no idea
who you're dancing with.
Dusty gets into your head,
- that's what he does.
- (WHIRRING)
(MUFFLED) He has a very impressive,
rugged bravado,
there's no question. But I gotta say,
I think in here, there's
a soft, soft creamy center.
You know? I think he feels a lot.
He just... He needs
someone with this, a big ear.
And I got them. Mmm.
Oh, good morning, Dusty.
- Hey.
- You're up and at 'em.
- (OVEN TIMER DINGS)
- Yeah, I got up early
- and did a quick 20.
- Really?
- Twenty minutes of what?
- Oh, twenty miles.
Did a little light sparring,
then I whipped up
a pan of piping-hot
cinnamon rolls for my family.
And I made one for you, too.
Wow. That's very impressive, thank you.
- DUSTY: Good morning, gang!
- Ooh, it smells yummy!
Our real dad's a super,
super-duper good cook!
- Mmm-hmm.
- Here you go, guys.
Yeah, it looks an awful lot like Cinnabon.
Well, thank you, Brad.
What a nice thing to say.
Mmm, it tastes exactly like Cinnabon!
In fact, same shape,
same swirl, same frosting.
Now you're starting to embarrass me,
but I do appreciate the compliment.
Good morning, Sar-bear!
- Morning.
- Hey, listen, guys,
Brad and I had a talk last night
about the importance of family.
And now that everyone's here,
I wanted to say a few words, okay?
I think that would be great.
Hey, kids, you know, families can be
ever-growing and changing things.
And sometimes someone new
knocks on the door of your heart
and you're not sure if you
have room in there for one more.
But there's someone here now
that I hope you guys can learn to love.
Okay?
(WHISTLING)
- Come here, boy!
- (GROWLING)
BOTH: A doggy! Yay!
You brought a dog home?
Yeah. Is that a problem?
I mean, you seemed
really into it while I was teeing it up.
No, I thought you were talking about me.
- Oh, but you're not a dog, Brad.
- No... (SCOFFS)
Look, last night, when we talked...
Oh, yeah. Well, listen,
that's got to happen organically.
Why can't it happen now?
It just can't.
You're dirty.
SARA: Dusty, how old is that thing?
I'd guess him to be around 15.
I mean, I found him this morning,
living in a storm drain.
I named him Tumor,
because of how much he grows on you.
BOTH: Mommy, can we keep Tumor, please?
Oh, I'm gonna leave this one up to Brad.
BOTH: Please, Brad! Please!
Why is he looking at me like that?
- (GROWLING)
- He's only looking at me.
Maybe we just get a puppy instead?
A puppy, Brad? What are they
going to learn from a puppy?
An old dog like Tumor here's
been out in the world, man. Living free.
Fighting for survival and seeing things
we can only dream of.
Just look at the wisdom
in those cloudy eyes.
Besides, you know what happens
to old dogs at shelters.
He's gonna have to walk the green mile
as soon as he gets there.
No, Brad, no! Don't kill our dog!
I hate you!
Okay. Okay. Fine.
He can live out his few
remaining weeks with us.
Yay! Thanks, Brad.
I don't hate you anymore.
He's going potty!
SARA: Oh, my God.
We'll clean it up. We don't mind.
Look at that.
The dog's already
teaching them responsibility.
Hey, guys, when you got to
pick up the potty, use gloves.
- He's definitely got worms in his poo.
- (BOTH GROANING IN DISGUST)
(SIGHS)
SARA: Dusty!
Can you please move this thing?
I can't get my car out of the garage.
Hey, Brad, do you mind?
I want to grab a quick shower.
Yeah, sure, no problem.
- Hey, honey.
- Hi, sweetie.
It's blocking everything.
No, I know. I know, don't worry.
We're on top of it.
What are you doing? Brad, I don't...
Hey! Stay away from that, please.
(GRUNTS)
Honey, what are you doing?
- (ENGINE REVVING)
- (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
I don't know if that's a good idea, Brad.
Dusty!
It's vibrating up into my shoulders.
Hey, it's okay, Brad.
Look, she's a lot of bike, man.
No, I'm good. Why don't you go
back in and take that shower,
so you can get a shirt on?
Oh, you got it.
Hey, you look good on that, man.
Remember, one down, four up.
Dusty, everyone knows it's one down...
- (SCREAMING)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(CRASHING)
Did Brad just die?
I think we all need to prepare ourselves
for that possibility, pumpkin. Okay?
Brad!
Brad!
- (BRAD GROANING)
- (GASPING)
Oh, my God.
- (COUGHING)
- Brad, are you all right?
No, I'm not all right.
I'm in the wall. I'm scared.
Oh, honey.
Jeez, Brad, I thought you said
you could ride.
I can ride, okay.
Would you get a shirt on?
I think if you could ride, you wouldn't
be stuck in a wall right now, Brad.
SARA:
Yeah. I'm sorry to say it, but he's right.
You almost killed the kids!
DUSTY: Let's not beat up
on Brad here. Okay?
He was showboating for the kids
a little bit, and things got out of hand.
Let's all just be grateful
nobody got hurt. Okay?
I got hurt!
Okay, kids, listen up.
This is a good lesson
on why you never wanna lie
about your ability to do things
you clearly can't do, okay, huh?
I think my arm is stuck in the wall.
DUSTY: Brad, just stay still.
I'll get you out.
No, no, no, no, no. No, don't do anything.
And would you please
just go and get a shirt on?
Just calm down, all right?
- (SARA SCREAMING)
- (GROANING)
Hey, I'm really sorry about
what happened to your car.
Yeah, and I'm sorry about
what happened to your bike.
Oh, no damage. Not a scratch.
- Oh, not even one scratch?
- Unbelievable.
(LAUGHS) That's so good.
(ROOF THUDS)
Let's keep it going! Inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Morning, Jerry.
Got to keep it inside the cones!
No, Daddy! You're supposed
to stay in the cones!
Whoa, whoa! Inside the cones!
- Inside. Bring her in. That's better.
- (SIGHS)
Let's keep those kids safe today, okay?
Thank you, Brad.
Sorry, Doris.
It's okay. This whole drop-off line thing
can be a bit overwhelming
if you're not used to it.
Yeah, well, I've landed a chopper
in the middle of a Cuban prison riot,
Brad, I think I'm good.
(BEEPING)
Bye, guys! I love you guys so much.
Have a great day, okay?
- Bye, Daddy!
- Make sure you do all your work.
Bye, guys. Have the best day.
I love you so...
BRAD: Here's the exciting thing.
We just opened up in our 68th market,
making The Panda America's
number three smooth jazz station.
Wow.
And here it is. My, uh... My little nook.
Wow. Oh, man, I gotta admit,
this is more than I expected.
Wow.
I kind of envy you, Brad.
Oh, stop it.
Ah, it's true. I mean, you're a nice guy,
making a comfortable living,
and the most fantastic woman
in the world loves you dearly.
Really? Thanks for saying that.
I mean it. And that sacrifice
she's making for you... That's true love.
Sacrifice?
Well, sure, Brad.
You know how bad
that girl wants another baby.
She wants another baby?
For her to let that slip away
and marry a man she knew to be barren,
that's true love.
How do you know that I can't...
- Bradley.
- Yes.
Caroline says we're gonna hear some
new voice talent this a.m.?
Yes, sir, in about 15 minutes.
Okay. How'd it go
- with the ****bag ex-husband?
- Uh-uh.
You whip his ass with
that Loving Fence of yours?
(LAUGHS)
Well, actually it's interesting, Mr. Holt,
because I want you to meet Dusty Mayron.
Jesus in the morning.
She was married to him first?
Okay. Let's establish some
ground rules, pretty boy.
- Airborne?
- Huh?
Well, your lapel pin.
101st, that's one hell of a division, sir.
Oh, well, thank you, Dusty.
Are you Airborne?
Oh, no, sir, I'm afraid
I don't share that honor,
but I'm humbled to be in the
presence of anyone who does.
Airborne Division? Those guys love to fly.
Very nice to meet you, sir.
Thank you, thank you.
It's good to meet you.
My pleasure. It's an honor.
Fast friends over there. (CHUCKLES)
That's wonderful.
Come on! No way!
The whole time you're running guns
for the freedom fighters
right under the cartel's noses,
and they never suspected it was you once?
Well, I'm sure they started to suspect
once they were in a ball of fire
the size of four city blocks.
(LAUGHING)
That's great. I love that!
Holy buckets, Brad!
If this guy was my wife's ex,
I'd put a bullet in my skull.
(BOTH LAUGH)
DUSTY: Come on, Leo, cut it out.
Oh, uh... Sir, I think Barry's ready.
You're really going to like this guy.
Okay. Ready to listen.
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
All right. Mmm-hmm.
- You like him, Brad?
- I do.
I do. I mean, I think his voice
has a warm dependability
that all Panda listeners could trust.
What do you think, Duster?
(BRAD LAUGHS)
Does Dusty now work for The Panda?
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm not really into smooth jazz.
I shouldn't comment.
(SCOFFS) Nobody's into smooth jazz.
I'm into smooth jazz.
Of course you are, Brad.
So what do you think, Dusty?
I mean, it just seems a little flaccid.
I think you need a voice with some
virility and hope, that tells listeners,
"Hey! Maybe the next song
won't suck as bad as the last one."
Also, I think a strong ability
to be something like...
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
What...
What just happened?
He sang the tagline.
- Good boy, Tumor!
- (CAR HONKING)
BOTH: Daddy!
DUSTY: Hey!
Oh, perfect timing. Listen to this.
DUSTY ON RADIO: One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
- Is that you?
- Yeah!
SARA: That's you?
Why is that him?
I took him to work, and 15 minutes later
he's the new voice of The Panda.
Hey, you believe that? I record
one take at 9:30 this morning,
it's already run 11 times.
Do I really get 182 bucks
every time they play that?
Yes. Every time, yes.
Ooh! Money.
You see why I love America
even more than most people do?
Hey. What's this?
Just the handyman
I hired off Angie's List.
He's upstairs fixing the damage.
Your wife had to hire a man? For what?
Some framing, a little sheetrock repair,
some masonry and basic window glazing?
Come on, Brad.
We can bang that out tonight.
Yeah.
It's just basic sheetrock glazing
and, you know, little whatamajigs.
Get up there and
get in there and crank it out.
Dusty is pretty good with his hands.
Pretty good with my hands,
Brad, she knows.
Okay. Yeah, I'll just go
up there and I'll...
- Want me to do it? I'll tell him to screw.
- No, no, no, no.
No, no, no. That's okay.
I'll tell him,
- "Guess what, bub?"
- Tell him the men are here.
I'll say that.
I'll say, "The men are here."
- Let's do it.
- I don't want to imply to him
that he's not a man. But I'll just say,
"Hey, the boys are back in town." Right?
(HAMMERING)
Oh, hi.
I'm Brad. Uh... My wife hired you.
Nice to meet you, Brad.
I just came up here to say that you...
That, um, you should have good luck.
Thank you for your wishes of luck.
I'll be downstairs.
Well? What happened?
Oh, you know, I think it's...
He already started,
and I just think it feels wrong.
Why? Because he's black?
No. No, no.
Megan! Dylan!
- What are you doing? Huh?
- Teaching moment.
Guys, what would we call Brad
if he treated someone differently
just because of the color of their skin?
- (BOTH GASP)
- Brad's being racism?
Racist, honey. Brad is a racist.
- Honey.
- No, I mean... But not on purpose.
Is Brad a Klan person?
No. (LAUGHS)
So I'm a racist if I don't fire someone?
Well, yeah, you are.
Yeah, you are.
Sir, you're taking this all wrong.
Right. So you get one look
at the color of my skin,
and all of a sudden you're
Mr. Do It Yourself, huh?
No, not at all. Please, allow me
to pay you for your time and travel.
Don't do me any favors, Paula Deen.
(SIGHS)
I'm not a woman.
You did the right thing.
Boy, it doesn't feel that way.
Let's get cracking.
Where do you keep your tools?
I know where Brad keeps his tools.
In the credenza.
- Yeah.
- You keep your tools
- in the credenza, Brad?
- In the credenza. Mmm-hmm.
Just easier to get to.
- It's convenient.
- Yeah.
(CLATTERING)
This is a tackle box, Brad.
Are we going fishing?
No. Unless you want to go fishing.
What have you got in here?
A hammer, masking tape,
three C batteries and a tampon.
Yeah, well, a tampon's handy for...
Yeah, I know what they're handy for.
So are we not going to fix it?
Well, what do you want from me, Brad?
To buy all the gear we need
would cost more
than just hiring someone
off of Angie's List.
- (GROWLING)
- (GASPS)
And the King, he thought the Step King
seemed okay at first, a little soft, maybe,
but, heck, the Queen needed a meal ticket.
But the more the King learned about him,
the more he doubted the
Step King's ability to lead.
So the King decided
there was only one way to...
Psst... Hey. Good story?
Yeah. The King finally
came back to his castle.
But the evil Step King
wouldn't give him his crown back.
Oh, okay, yeah.
I think I've heard this story before.
Ah, it's a story as old as time, Brad.
Well, you know what? It turns out
the Step King wasn't evil at all.
He was a really good guy.
Fun at parties, great conversationalist,
affable. And he saw
that the beautiful Queen
and perfect Prince and Princess
were all alone, and he came
valiantly to their rescue.
Yeah, but wasn't the Queen sad because
the Step King couldn't give
her an heir to the throne?
Okay, you know what?
Now this is getting personal.
Hey, Brad, come on.
We're just doing fairy tales here.
All right. Well, the Queen wasn't sad,
just for the record. (STUTTERING)
The Step King was pretty sure
she was totally cool with it.
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm sure the Queen was thrilled. Right?
Right?
Yeah.
Honey,
what's the matter?
Are you still sad about
Dusty finding your tampon?
No. No, I mean,
this is a little embarrassing,
but it's just, I was...
Is there any chance
you still want another baby?
Oh, my God. What, did Dusty say something?
He's just trying to get in your head.
So it's not true then?
Okay. Maybe I did want another baby.
But it's not possible,
given what happened to your...
And I'm not blaming them. I love them.
They are my fuzzy little pals.
You don't have to say that.
They are.
I am 100% happy
with the family that I have.
The only reason I'm putting up with him is
because my kids are so happy to see him.
And I want them to have
a relationship with their father.
You know what?
I can't wait to see his face
when he figures out
how much you really do for his kids.
Yeah. I mean, I'm
involved. I'm emotionally available.
Yeah, you are.
You are darn right.
It's high time Dusty sees
how a real dad does it.
I am fired up!
(SIGHS)
Let's get some shut-eye.
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Hallelujah!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, dudes! Hey, T.J.!
Brad! Look what Dad did!
He finished the treehouse for you!
Hey, hey! B-man!
No, watch out, B!
(BRAD GROANING)
Hey, Brad. Sorry about that.
- You all right?
- (CONTINUES GROANING)
Brad, what do you think, man?
Wow. Pretty cool zipline.
You like that, huh? It's military grade.
You built all this today? With my tools?
Oh, no, you can't build a treehouse
with a tampon, Brad.
No, I had a little bit of help.
Yo, Dylan, PS4 is all hooked up.
- Thanks, Uncle Griff.
- No problem, buddy.
Uncle Griff?
Dude, I went out for a beer last night,
and who's tending bar but our man Griffy?
We get to talking and we just click.
You know what I mean?
He's a great dude, man. He really is.
I know how you feel about him,
but just give him a chance.
All right? He's having
a tough time at home,
and your firing him sure didn't help.
Well, I fired him because you made me!
- I made you?
- Yeah.
Am I in charge around here now?
Is my name on the mortgage?
Last time I checked,
you were the man of the house,
and me and Griffy were just staying here.
- He's not staying here.
- Because he's black?
No, not because of that.
Look, Griffy helped me
knock this out, all right?
So despite any prejudices
that you may or may not have...
I don't have any prejudices.
I said "may or may not."
- Well, it's may not.
- Well, that's good.
Because that's one of the ones I said.
Hey, kids, come on.
Helmets on the half-pipe.
We got to be safe around here.
Wait, half-pipe?
Look, I know it's taking up
a lot of the yard, but it's gonna make
your house the coolest place
in the neighborhood.
I got a sound system, we got
a couple Go-Pros. That's Corey
from Red Bull over there.
Hey, Corey!
You got a sponsor for my backyard?
Hey, Mr. Mayron! You want next?
Nicholas, please, it's Dusty!
And, yes, I do. Brad, watch this run.
I'm gonna dedicate this run
to my future X-Games champs,
Dylan and Megan. This is for you!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(BLOWS)
Looks like you picked
the wrong leisure activity, buddy.
(ALL CHEERING)
Thank you.
- Oh, hey, Sara.
- Hi.
Okay. Who's got next?
BRAD: I do!
Look!
(ALL GASPING)
Some cute little tricks there, Dusty.
(LAUGHS)
Really adorable.
Brad?
Hey, who'd like to see
how we used to do it
back in the empty pools of Encino,
Castaic, Irvine, Long Beach?
Santa Clarita?
Santa Cruz?
Fremont?
Honey, no, please come down.
Oh, I intend to, sister.
Come on, Brad, it hasn't been that long.
Godspeed.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (GRUNTS)
- ALL: Whoa!
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! Brad!
Oh, no, it's best not to touch him.
Wait a second.
What do you mean, don't touch him?
He's in trouble.
Look, I know he's in trouble, okay?
But if there's a problem, who
do you want to be in charge?
You?
Okay. All right, guys,
we have an emergency situation.
And what's the first thing we do? Anybody?
- You! Redhead.
- Call 911.
Close. But wrong.
First thing we do is remain calm.
Yeah, that's good advice.
The 911 operator can't understand you
if you're hysterical, okay?
So let's all take a deep breath.
In for ten...
Are you kidding me right now? Help him!
Hey, that doesn't sound calm, Sara.
Now, please, call 911
and relate to the dispatcher
- what happened calmly, okay?
- Okay, yes.
Anybody know what we do next?
Check for pulse!
Nice! My star pupil! Come on up here.
All right! Okay, two fingers on the neck,
right below the ear.
- Good. You feel a heartbeat?
- Uh-uh.
Okay, now that means that
Brad here is now clinically... Anybody?
- You, Jean Jacket!
- Dead?
Attaboy, Jean Jacket. You're a smart kid.
He is dead.
All right, so what do we do?
Come on, we're losing him here.
Give him C.P.R.?
Yes! That's my girl.
Come on up here, sweetie.
All right! All right, lock your fingers like
this and press down hard right here.
- (GRUNTING)
- Oh, great job, sweetheart.
Dusty, hurry!
Okay, I'm going to go ahead
and take this one.
Okay? Watch closely now.
If you do your
chest compressions properly,
it shouldn't take long. Clear out, guys.
(WHIRRING)
(GASPING)
- I got him! I got him!
- (COUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING)
My dad can bring people
back from the dead!
(GROANING)
Mr. Whitaker's a zombie!
(MUTTERING)
Look, I'm okay, really.
I just got a little jolt.
You got a little killed
is what you got, Brad.
We thought we lost you.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I just got tired of being
the lame stepdad.
All the kids think he's Superman.
Well, now you know how I felt.
I always had to be the bad guy mom,
giving out the carrots
and the punishments,
and he would breeze in
from God only knows where
and get to be the cool, fun dad.
Honey. Look. (SIGHS)
I'll talk to him, okay?
I'll tell him to get his stuff
and get over to the Red Roof Inn. Pronto.
Great.
(TV PLAYING)
Wait. Prince Hans is actually the bad guy?
Man, I didn't see that coming at all.
He seemed like he really loved Anna.
MEGAN: I hate Prince Hans.
Dusty.
- Hey, how you feeling, Sparky?
- (CHUCKLES)
Sparky. That's hilarious.
DUSTY: Brad, have you seen this movie?
It's unbelievable, man.
There's these two sisters,
one of them has ice powers.
Yeah, I'm familiar with Frozen.
Listen, Dusty, I need to talk to you now.
I can't talk now, Brad.
Just pause the movie!
Can you guys talk out there, please?
Griff, man. You gotta pause it, man.
No! I don't want to ruin the momentum.
He won't... Dude, if another song
comes on, you got to pause it. Okay?
Am I supposed to pause my emotions?
Just pause the song, man.
What's up? What's up?
What's going on, Brad?
- This shouldn't take long.
- Okay, good.
Listen, um, I just think
that you're being here...
Yeah. No problem.
...and now there's Griff here,
it's presenting some obstacles...
(SOBBING)
Stupid helmet!
Honey, what happened?
They pushed me off my bike again!
- I'm so sick of it!
- (CLATTERING)
I want them dead, Brad. All right?
I want their parents dead.
And if they don't have parents, I want
their primary caregivers dead.
Do you understand me?
- Okay, okay.
- He's okay.
Megan's upstairs playing with him.
I am so pissed about this.
Was it the fourth graders again?
Fourth graders?
What, you knew about this, Brad?
Yeah. Dylan asked to speak
specifically to me about it.
- Really?
- So, we role-played
some conflict resolution dialogue.
Are you being serious right now, Brad?
What you need to be teaching him
is some ass-beating resolution.
Damn straight. You got to
make a statement. Set a tone.
It's kind of a family matter over here.
No, Dusty and Griff are right.
Those little punks need
their butts whooped.
Hey, you got any Miracle Whip?
Yeah, it's behind the... (SIGHS)
Here. Hold on. Let me just get it for you.
Guys, I know we're upset right now,
but here's the thing.
Violence never solved anything.
Hey, check your history books, buddy.
Almost everything is solved by violence.
There are better ways.
Okay. Name one. Besides dialoguing.
- Name one?
- Name one!
- What do you mean, name one?
- You said you could
solve problems with
things other than fighting.
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
Well, you said you knew!
You act like you knew!
- Fine, yes!
- What?
Dancing! Dancing.
Did you... Did you just say dancing, Brad?
It's very popular in youth culture
to resolve conflict through dancing.
They step up to each other and get served
by crunking, or popping and locking.
They call each other out, they take turns,
and it is no less intense
than a classic street brawl.
But, at the end of the day, no one's hurt.
And it's a great aerobic workout.
He's flailing a bit,
but he has a good point.
There's a rich history
of dance battles in film.
- You got Breakin' 1...
- I didn't even think of this.
...Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.
One of the rare cases
where the sequel was better
- than the original.
- Much better.
You got Step Up, Stomp the Yard.
He makes a solid point.
Honey, are you telling us that we
should teach Dylan to dance?
(SIGHS) No, I'm just saying that
teaching him to fight isn't the answer.
Okay, but maybe teaching him
to fight back isn't so bad?
BRAD: Okay.
There we go. Perfect.
That's good, right there.
Yeah. A lot of protection.
All right, Dylan. You ready, buddy?
- I guess.
- Oh, you're ready.
Brad, Griff. You guys be
the fourth graders.
- I'll be Dylan.
- Okay.
All right. Hey, buddy, the first thing you
want to do is call out the biggest one.
Hey! What's the matter?
You too much of a pussy to take me on
without your little *****es to back you up?
Wow. Okay, yes.
That cut right through me, there.
I'm filled with inner shame right now.
Saying to myself,
"Gosh, maybe I'm not behaving
"100% the way I want to."
Right? Is that same page?
No. What the kid's gonna think
is, "Now I can beat your ass
"all on my own." But now
you only got one bully to contend with.
Now bullies always open up
with some shoving first.
- Watch. Brad, give me a little shove.
- All right.
(YELPS)
Whoa, I didn't connect there, did I?
No. It was really close, though.
See what I did, buddy?
I turned my body just enough
to let his weight bring him in,
then I came right down Broadway.
- I'm not gonna hit you.
- Oh.
- Okay, relax. Okay?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Bam!
- (ALL GASP)
It's called the element of surprise.
Then you start punking his ass!
You want some more of that, *****, huh?
You like that, *****?
All right. Do we really
need to use that word?
- No.
- Honey, yes.
Unfortunately, we do. I'm sorry.
You have to make him a *****.
It's a fundamental step in
destroying a bully's psyche.
Now stay down, *****!
Then you kick that kid right in the nuts!
Kick him in the nuts, Dylan!
Wait! I thought you were in my gang.
Yeah, but once Dylan tuned you up,
I switched sides.
What do you think happens
out there on the playground, Brad?
All right, now come on, buddy.
It's your turn. All right?
I'll be the fourth grader.
Can I just go inside already, please?
Hey, buddy come on, this is easy.
You can do this.
I said, no! I don't like this stuff.
I'll just stay away from them
from now on. Mom?
Okay, come here, buddy.
- Come on. It's all right.
- Brad.
Help me out here. Come on.
Hey, wait.
Pal, listen...
I know what it's like
to be afraid to go to school.
Okay? When I was your age,
this group of older kids
started picking on me.
I ran and I cried
underneath the bleachers.
They bothered me every day,
because they knew
I was too afraid to face them.
Until one day, I'd had enough.
And I socked Jesse Hubbard
right in the nose.
Really? And they left you alone?
Damn right they did.
Brad. (SOFTLY) That was good.
Come here, buddy.
Hey, I'm proud of you. All right?
Now, look at me. I want you to punch them
right in the Adam's apple. Okay?
I want you to shatter their throat.
Hold on, hold on.
I'm sorry. Look, I'm having
a pang of guilt right now.
Full disclosure. Some of the elements
of my story weren't exactly true.
Um, the incessant crying, 100% true.
The constant bullying, absolutely,
it all happened, but I, uh...
I've never punched anyone in my life.
I could have told you that.
- Then what did you do?
- Yeah, what did you do?
Well, nothing at all.
In fact, sixth grade was so rough,
I changed my name to Devin Lacecock.
Why the hell would you tell him that?
I pretended to be blind for an entire
school year, just to elicit empathy.
Which was great until
they found me intently watching
an episode of MASH.
In fact, it got so bad,
my parents had to refinance
our house to put me in private school.
Let's just do that.
Can I go to private school, please?
No, Dylan, we can't do that.
Want to know why?
Because ever since that day,
I've always run away from conflict.
In fact, if I had a dad like Dusty
when I was your age, maybe
he could have taught me
how to stand up for myself.
So, wait. You're saying,
if I don't stick up for myself now,
I'll grow up to be a huge wussy like you?
Um, yes. That is the basic
gist of what I'm saying. Yes.
Okay. Then let's do this.
DUSTY: Come on, buddy, you got this.
Give me something. Come on.
Faster, harder, meaner, stronger.
You're fast, you're good.
You're a winner. You're a champion.
They got to let you off the leash, baby.
We got a little pit bull here.
That was really nice, you guys. Good job.
It was really fun to watch
the two of you working together
like a couple of great co-dads.
Yeah.
Co-dads. That's...
That's good stuff.
You know what?
In that same spirit of unity,
I want to show my gratitude
for your inviting me
to stay here and share moments like these.
Oh, about that, Dusty.
When I pulled you over there, actually...
No, what you've done here
does not go unnoticed.
And I repay my debts.
Look, Sara, I know how much
you want another child.
I think I can help
put a baby in there for you.
- Oh, my God!
- What are you saying?
- I mean I got a guy.
- Dusty, please! You got a guy?
Yes, I got a guy. A fertility doctor.
He's a buddy of mine.
I trained him for his first Ironman.
All right? Dr. Francisco is the real deal.
- Dr. Emilio Francisco?
- You've heard of him?
Oh, my God, yeah.
He's been on Dr. Oz like 10 times.
Yeah, he's one of the top five reproductive
endocrinologists in the country.
See? People wait years
to get an appointment with this guy.
Do you really think he would see us?
- Whoa, whoa, hold on.
- I know he would.
If anybody can help you
have a baby, he can.
Mommy's going to have a baby?
Cool! Can we name it Griff?
Oh, thanks, D-man.
Look, you guys,
I don't know if this is a good idea.
What, you don't wanna name your baby
after a black person?
- Is that it?
- No!
You probably want to name it something
really white, like Connor or Gordon.
Harland, or Scot with one T. Or Brad.
No, no, Griff is a lovely name.
I'm just saying,
I don't think it's a good
idea to get our hopes up,
because, in the end,
odds are, I'm going to let you down.
Okay, honey, but what if I promise,
promise, promise not to get my hopes up?
We could just try, right? It can't hurt.
Okay, sure.
But you can't get your hopes up.
No. I won't, I won't! Thank you!
I feel like you've already
gotten your hopes up.
- Where are you going?
- Nowhere!
- You calling your mother?
- No!
Okay, yes, but it's about something else.
It's not about something else.
Damn it, Brad, he set you up.
He used this fancy doctor
to get your wife back on the baby train.
When those test results come back
and prove that you can't give her a baby,
guess who's gonna be waiting
there cocked and loaded?
Well, I trust my wife, so we really don't
need to keep talking about it, okay?
Let me tell you a little story, Brad.
When Jeneane, my fourth, and I
were returning from our honeymoon,
she told me that
she had a 23-year-old kid.
Brazilian boy.
Said she had him real young.
So he moves in with us.
Doesn't speak a lick of English.
There are the usual tensions.
I try to assert my authority.
"Andreas, get your feet
off the furniture."
"Andreas, you're too old
to sleep in bed with Mommy."
"Andreas, you got to stay off the 'roids."
And he'd get mad,
and hit me with a car antenna.
Eh... Maybe that's the way kids are.
No. Not really.
So I adopt him,
help him get his citizenship.
The second the papers come through,
guess what happens?
I already know.
Bam! They shack up together in Barstow.
It turns out Andreas
- is her boyfriend, Brad.
- Mmm-hmm.
I did not see it coming.
I actually did, about one,
two words into your story.
The moral of this fable is,
it's good to know when you're beaten.
- You know I think the world of you, Brad.
- Thank you.
But if I'm being completely honest,
even I'm rooting for Dusty.
He's just so damn likeable.
You know, it's getting kind of late.
Shouldn't we just get back to work?
Okay, you win.
So where are we on The Panda Jam
numbers for next summer?
London, you still on the conference call?
Dusty Mayron, you crazy hijo de puta!
- (LAUGHS) Hey, what's up, Doc?
- (EXCLAIMING)
You look great, man. You still
rocking those Ironmans, huh?
Yeah, bro.
I just finished Brazil in 11:40.
- That's unbelievable.
- Yeah. Well, come on.
Ain't nothing on you, man.
Hey, my first race,
I'm limping across the finish line
when this ******* laps me.
I mean, come on, who wins an Ironman,
then decides to go around again?
Who does that?
It sounds exhausting.
Hey, I'm Dr. Francisco. You must be Sara.
Hi. (LAUGHS)
Dusty, you were not lying
about this one. Very nice.
And you weren't lying
about this one either.
You must be Chief Glowing Sack.
What? (LAUGHS)
Hey, come on,
I'm just lighting you up, man.
Come on, little hug.
Okay, come on back, y'all.
Let's take a look.
All right. So let's run it down.
I think we can safely say that your issue
has nothing to do with X-rays.
You know what, sweetheart, come here.
Let's see that pretty little hand.
Okay. Now put it right in here.
- Oh!
- Okay, you feel that?
- Yeah.
- Okay, that is not how you want
testicles to be shaped.
Really? It feels like all the other...
Hi.
Well, it cuts off blood flow, okay?
Limits potency.
You want them to...
You know what? Actually...
- Hey, Dusty!
- Hey.
- Why is he coming in here?
- Little help in here, please.
Oh, come on. You gotta put me
through this every time?
- Come on. Be a sport.
- All right.
Oh, my God! What are you doing?
Is this even ethical?
(GASPS) James and the Giant Peach.
(GULPS)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
It's okay, I gulp every time.
You see, this... This is what you want.
Plump and bulbous.
Glassy smooth, like
two Patrick Stewarts,
you know what I mean?
Don't embarrass me in front
of Sara like this anymore, okay?
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, sorry, bro.
So, ready to milk the cow,
see if we even got a sliver of hope here?
Hey, Dusty, come on, buddy. Want to
try to break your own record?
Oh, no, I'm good.
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, come on, man.
I'm doing you a favor here.
Give me something to brag
about at the next symposium.
All right, fine. You want to break
the record, I gotta break the record.
(LAUGHS) Yeah. Kid came to play.
Should I grab a big cup, too?
What? Stop screwing around.
Come on. We're burning daylight here.
(DOOR OPENS)
(WOMEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
(SIGHS)
(ALL GASPING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hello. Quick question.
How difficult would it be
for someone to whip up
a batch of your Cinnabons?
Would you need restaurant-grade ovens?
Bradsky. Could you
pass this along to Dusty?
It's his first resids check.
Disclaimer. It's more than you make.
- Don't get worried about it.
- How much more than...
Oh, and tell him, 8:30 sharp at my house.
He doesn't need to bring anything.
All right, buddy?
I've never been to your house.
No, you haven't.
SARA: Oh, my God, my hair, it looks awful.
Doesn't Mommy's hair look pretty?
- No. Next slide, please.
- DUSTY: Oh, okay.
- Slides. Fun.
- DUSTY: Aw...
Cool. You guys climbed that?
Yuck. Why are you guys kissing
in every single picture?
Oh, Mommy used to kiss Daddy a lot.
SARA: Married people kiss a lot.
DUSTY: Ready?
Wow, China.
I loved it there.
Dylan, you were created right
there on that wall, buddy.
- Really?
- Dusty, that's enough.
- DUSTY: Okay, next slide.
- (SARA LAUGHS)
That's where your mom and I met,
doing The King and I in summer stock.
SARA: God, that costume was so tight.
(LAUGHS)
Next slide, please.
Oh, my God.
- MEGAN: Is that baby me?
- SARA: Mmm-hmm.
All right, you guys, let's,
um, get ready for bed.
- Okay?
- DUSTY: It's story time, Mayron family!
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
MEGAN: We don't have to wait
for Mr. Whitaker, do we?
I really don't like you,
but that **** is heartbreaking.
(DOOR CLOSING)
MEGAN: Yay! Griff's home!
So the King raised his mighty sword
and rained steel down upon the Step King.
But the Step King
blocked it with his shield.
And swung his cat o'nine tails
into the King's smug face.
Which the King easily brushed aside
like the feather of a gull.
And then the King did counter
with a barrage of slashes
and thrusts so fast and precise
that the Step King had no way to parry.
BOTH: Yay!
But he did. He did.
He parried all of them.
- Easily. It was no big deal.
- BOTH: Aw.
Then he grabbed the King's
sword right out of his hand
and smashed it over his knee.
BOTH: Boo!
That's when the King pulled out
a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!
Which is completely anachronistic.
So if we're doing any time period,
then the Step King just happened to be
wearing Kevlar body armor.
- Concussion grenade!
- Hand grenade.
- Rocket launcher.
- Missile launcher.
- Air strike.
- Nuclear strike.
- Black hole.
- God.
We know what this comes down to.
The Step King was very upset
because when the real King
pulled out his sword,
it was long and shiny,
and the Step King
did shudder at the size of it.
And while the Step King acknowledged
that the King carried a mighty,
beautifully engraved broadsword,
all the maidens in the land
preferred the more average-sized
Step King's sword because
it knew how to listen.
- (SCOFFS)
- And the King needs to realize
he's a guest in his castle
and he better mind his P's and Q's
because the Step King
has had it up to here
with the King's bull****!
Brad said a naughty word.
Kids, I'm so sorry you had to hear
that inappropriate language.
Make sure you tell your mother.
Brad, can I talk to you
in the hall, please?
(SIGHS)
Brad, what just happened in there, man?
(WHISPERING) Look, the Step King
should not have
used inappropriate language in front of
the Prince and Princess, he admits that.
Why are you still saying it
like that, Brad?
We're out in the hall.
I don't know. I'm upset.
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- Hold on.
Oh-ho-ho! Hello?
Yeah, Brad's here, he's doing good.
Hey, it's Dr. Francisco.
He wants us all to come in tomorrow.
9:30 work for you?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Yeah,
we'll see you then.
All right, bud. Come on, man.
The doctor will be with you in a moment.
ALL: Thank you.
(SARA GRUNTING)
Hey, Brad, whatever happens
here, I just want you to know
that I'm proud of you for doing your best.
- Okay?
- Thank you.
Hello, hello. Okay.
I'm going to cut right to the chase.
Sara, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
Oh, God. That is a tough break. I'm sorry.
Damn, that is a real shame.
My heart is melting.
Yeah, it's a real shame, Sara.
A real shame that
you're gonna have to put up
with Brad here pounding away on you
over and over,
now that he's got a fighting chance
of getting you pregnant.
- (GASPING)
- What? Oh, my God!
- Holy moly!
- Oh, my God.
Hey, Doc, Doc, don't give them
a false sense of hope.
Remember what you said about
the blood flow and the screwy 'nads?
Yeah, well, Brad has you
to thank for that, Dusty.
Okay, in lab rats,
whenever another alpha male
comes around, it can spike testosterone,
driving up sperm counts.
Now, no guarantees, okay?
But with my help, Brad,
I think you got enough left in the tank
to make it all the way to baby town.
That's so wonderful. Thank you.
- BOTH: Thank you so much.
- Of course.
- Can we give you a hug?
- Oh, yeah. Come on in.
BRAD: Oh, my gosh.
- Did not expect this.
- Mmm...
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
You virile sea snake, you.
- I underestimated you, Brad.
- Yes, you did.
I can finally give Sara everything,
and it feels good.
Now, listen, this is what you need to do.
You need to go and pee outside
the room that Dusty sleeps in.
He's gonna smell your urine and know that
your virility is not to be taken lightly.
It's good advice.
I did it last year in the lobby.
Oh, I remember. It was a health hazard.
It scared the FedEx guy.
No, I'm going to take
the high road on this one.
Okay, fine, take the high road.
But jam a baby up in there
as quickly as you can, Brad.
Because, in the end, if Sara
does choose Dusty over you,
he has to be stepdad to your baby.
- How beautiful is that?
- (LAUGHS)
Come on, five it.
No. You know, it feels strange
to high-five over the custody
of my unborn child.
I've been on Dusty's team.
I'm trying to jump over
to the winning team Brad.
- Get on this.
- I'd really rather not.
I'm trying to share a moment
with you here. Please five me.
It feels... No, thanks.
- Got it!
- Wait. No.
- Sweet.
- It didn't count.
I love you, Brad.
It's not a binding high-five.
Fat beans in there.
- Dusty?
- Brad.
What can I do for you?
Oh, wow, that's some impressive up-downs.
Look, uh,
what you did for Sara and me,
that's a life-changer, and
I just wanted to say thank you.
And I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?
Well, here's the thing.
I mean, you show up,
here's this guy who's cool and exciting.
I guess I felt a little competitive, and
slightly insecure, and I start thinking,
well, maybe you want to challenge me.
But today you proved that
all you really care about
is our family's happiness.
Oh, man.
I'm humbled.
I mean it. And you know what?
You're right. I was challenging you, Brad.
- Yeah?
- The truth?
I see this new man in my kids' life.
He's kind and caring and successful,
and I don't even want to like you.
But I can't help it. I like you, Brad.
Really?
I was determined to push you out
and get my family back.
I was underhanded
and disingenuous about it.
I feel like a monster.
No. No, no, no.
(SIGHS)
At the risk of being disrespectful,
I want you to shut your mouth.
You are allowed
to have those feelings. Okay?
Heck, we're talking about
your own children here, for cripes' sake.
Clean slate?
Absolutely.
Come here.
(SIGHS)
You know what's funny?
You're not even sweating,
after doing all those push-ups.
That's exemplary.
(SIGHS)
Thank you, Dusty.
Thank you, Brad.
Oh, uh...
You know, all that stuff about pushing
me out and taking over my family,
I mean, we're through all that, right?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm here to defeat you
and take back my family.
That can't change.
But now I'll follow your noble example
and do it above board.
Honestly. Like a man. Like you.
But we just hugged. You said you like me.
Oh, I do like you, Brad, very much.
It doesn't make this any easier.
You know I'm gonna have to tell Sara
what you said in here today.
Of course.
It would be irresponsible not to.
She's not gonna like it.
She's gonna want you out.
You're right about that, Brad.
What the hell are you up to?
I just told you what I'm up to.
My head is spinning right now.
Hey, you got any sweet potatoes? Or yams?
Sweet potatoes or yams?
Griff, you know we have yams, all right?
You made me buy them for you.
I wanted to respect
your house by asking you
before I got them.
I didn't want to just go grab yams.
Okay, I appreciate that.
I'm dealing with something.
- Just go get the yams.
- All right.
Here's the thing. You're right, Dusty.
Yeah. I'm not going to tell Sara.
But I'm gonna prove to you
that I'm the best.
You can eat my dust, Dusty.
Christmas already?
Why didn't anybody tell me?
It's not. It's the middle of April.
- Daddy must have done this!
- BRAD: Ho, ho, ho, ho!
No, he didn't. (LAUGHS)
- Brad.
- Ho, ho!
Claus is the name.
Santa Claus, if you please.
But this Brad you speak of called me
all the way up at the North Pole.
He said his children were so sad because
their biological father had missed so many
Christmases and birthdays
and special family holidays,
so he asked me
to come here today so that Dusty
could experience one Christmas
with his kids before he leaves again.
Probably for a long, long time.
Ho, ho, ho!
Can we open presents?
You sure can, little girl.
I think they're from Brad.
In fact, all the presents are from Brad.
Let's see if any of the
presents are from Dusty.
Nope. Not one present from Dusty.
All from Brad.
Hey, kids, let's not forget
who got you a dog. Remember?
Hey, Tumor, quit humping Mrs. Claus!
(GROWLING)
Okay, I am officially worried about you.
Don't worry, Claus hasn't forgotten you.
Huh?
- For me?
- Yeah.
(GASPS)
Oh, my God, honey, it's beautiful.
I love it.
Wait, no! No! No, no. It's too much.
(TUMOR BARKS)
Oh, no, it looks like Tumor's
given away Megan's big gift.
(SCREAMING JOYFULLY)
A pony! A pony! A pony!
I know, it's a pony!
- Ho, ho, ho!
- (CONTINUES SCREAMING)
It's a pony, Dusty! A pony!
Can we name her Princess Elsa?
You can name him whatever you want,
because it's yours!
Brad, how can we afford a pony?
Where are we even going to put that thing?
I can clear out some stable
space in the garage.
Look, it's only half a horse.
Okay? Think of it like
a big dog, only a lot better.
Oh, what's this? What the heck?
It's tickets to tonight's
NBA playoff game...
- What?
- ...against Dylan's favorite team,
the Los Angeles Lakers?
Oh, thanks, Brad! You're the coolest!
I love you, Brad!
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Merry Christmas, Whitaker family!
GRIFF: Christmas?
How long was I asleep for?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
- You guys got enough candy?
- Yeah!
Remember, you can have anything
you want, 'cause it's Christmas!
No, it isn't. It's not Christmas, kids.
- BRAD: All right. Here we are.
- Oh, sick! We're this close?
Yeah. Pretty good, right?
Megan, you sit down right there.
Perfect. Dylan, you sit next to me.
And, Dusty, I'm so sorry. Yeah.
I could only get four in a row.
I couldn't get five.
So you're across the aisle,
next to that gentleman.
All right, guys, I'll be right here.
- We can still chat.
- Bye, Daddy.
Look, there's Kobe! It's him!
He's right there.
Thank you, Brad, this is the best present
I've ever gotten.
- You are so welcome.
- In my whole life.
I'm glad to hear it's the
best present you've ever got!
How much did these seats cost?
Not too much.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give a big welcome
to all the kids from Hearts of Courage.
Whoo! Hearts of Courage kids!
Proud of you, you're all miracles!
Whoo! I love kids!
All right, honey. That's plenty.
I just get excited
when I'm with my family!
Dusty! Dusty Mayron!
- Marco? Hey!
- (MARCO LAUGHS)
What's up, man? Are you coaching now?
Yeah, I'm the new strength
and conditioning coach.
- Oh, man.
- Check you out.
Hey, I played ball with him in Italy.
This is my family. My little guy, Dylan.
He's the biggest Kobe fan in the world.
Really? Well, come on down.
I'll introduce you.
- What?
- What? You hear that?
You want to meet Kobe?
MARCO: Bring the whole family down.
You guys can sit with the team.
Hey, this is my little girl, Megan.
She just invited me to her first
Daddy-Daughter Dance.
- So sweet.
- What did he just say?
What the hell did he just say?
Oh, sorry. He's okay.
No, I'm not okay. He's not okay.
- Honey, you need to calm down.
- No! I'm not gonna calm down.
She asked me first!
And now she's asking him?
No. It's not fair.
You know what, actually, it's very fair.
Okay? She has two dads.
She wants you both there.
You just have to accept that.
No, I'm not going to accept it. All right?
I do pick-up! I do drop-off!
Okay, I volunteer at school!
I listen to the tantrums and the crying
and the soundtrack of Frozen
that's on a goddamn loop all the time!
And he just waltzes in for a few days,
and now he gets to go as well? No!
No, she's got to choose.
It's either me or him!
- Megan, you got to choose!
- (SARA SHUSHING)
- You got to choose!
- SARA: Hey!
It's the biggest decision of your life!
Hey!
You know what? I'm going to pretend
you're not acting like a crazy person,
because I know you're very upset.
But you need to get over yourself. Okay?
Now go down there and
be happy with your kids.
No! A scalper gouged me 18 grand
for these seats. I'm not leaving them!
What?
- (STAMMERING)
- What did you just say?
Yeah. Nothing. Let's just... You're right.
(SIGHS) I'm so much more relaxed now.
Thank you.
Yeah. Let's just go down... Let's just...
No!
I think you should sit
in your $18,000 seats,
and think of all the better ways
your family could have used that money.
Sara.
The guy from the nuclear sub thing?
- Mayron! That's him.
- That's the guy?
Can I get some beers down here?
Can I get five beers?
Excuse me, some beers!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHEERING)
THE WHIP: What's up, everybody?
Let's make some noise!
Whoo-hoo!
Tonight, one lucky fan is going to
get a chance to shoot from half court
to win a family vacation to Disney World!
(ALL CHEERING)
And our lucky fan is sitting in
section 113,
row 6,
C-1. Where is he?
Let's see it. Where is he?
It's me. It's me, I win!
- There he is.
- I win.
I'm-a make it to Disneyland.
I'm-a make it all right.
- All right, Brad!
- Yay, Brad!
Yay, Brad!
All right, sir, how you doing?
What's your name?
First off, I love my kids.
He loves his kids! Let's give it up!
And if anyone was ever
to do anything to them,
- I would hurt them.
- Okay.
I would freakin' hurt them!
THE WHIP: Okay.
This guy over here is trying to take them!
Trying to steal my family.
He doesn't sweat!
Okay, you know what?
Why don't we just shoot...
But I got news for you, buddy!
Last night, while you were sleeping,
I made love to our wife!
- Okay.
- My wife!
BRAD: Sara, right over there!
Took my wiener out of my pants!
This is a family event, okay?
- Boo! Boo!
- All right.
So,
even if Sara does pick you,
you're going to have to be
the stepdad to my kid!
You see how you like it! Okay?
THE WHIP: Let's get somebody else
down here, all right? Somebody else...
Somebody else is going to win
a family trip!
Give me that ball, you.
This one's for Dylan and Megan
and Sara and Dylan.
Nothing but net.
THE WHIP: All right, he's going for it!
Nothing but net!
(GRUNTS)
- (GROANING)
- (ALL GASPING)
Do-over!
- That's a do-over!
- No do-over. No.
It's a do-over!
- (GROANS)
- (ALL GASPING)
(BRAD THUDDING)
(ALL APPLAUDING)
THE WHIP: I'm so sorry
you had to see that. I'm so sorry.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
SARA: Hey, kids, why don't you go inside
and put on your pajamas?
- What are you doing?
- I'm comforting you.
Sara, look... Sorry, too soon. I know.
But I just want you to know
that I'm here for you and the kids.
Oh, really? You want to be
a real parent now? Is that what this is?
Absolutely. I'm here now.
Dusty, I'm working crazy hours this week.
With Brad gone, the kids
are gonna have to be dropped off,
picked up, taken to swimming lessons.
Dylan has a play date with Eli on Tuesday,
and Megan has a dentist
appointment on Friday.
Sara, I know in the past
I've been unreliable,
but this is a new me. All right?
This is the new Dusty.
Well, you can't take them
to school on a motorcycle.
- You need a car.
- Done.
Okay.
Hey! You're not staying here!
Are you sure you don't need
company right now?
I mean, you're going through
a tough transition here.
Be here at 6:30 tomorrow morning.
Well, can I at least
come in and get my stuff?
No!
DUSTY: I'm gonna wait for a while,
in case you change your mind.
(SIGHS)
Hey.
Oh...
What did you throw Griff out for?
- This place is chaotic.
- (SCOFFS)
There's always some bull****
going on in that house.
God, man. Want to go to the Red Roof Inn?
Let's do it.
Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
(MUFFLED) Yes, sir.
DORIS: Okay. No running!
All right. Lindsey! Sloane!
Car's open right down there!
Okay, sir, inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Keep it inside...
That's right! Thank you.
(CAR ENGINE REVVING)
Hi. I see you've been picking up
Megan and Dylan these past few days.
Should I expect you from now on?
Um, yeah, I'm their real dad,
so yeah, from now on.
Terrific. I see that you also haven't
signed up to volunteer in the lane.
Brad was so good about
helping us out in the lane,
in the classroom, PTA, and so forth.
We could always count on him
for bake sales, Spring Sing,
costumes for Winter Pageant.
You know the drill.
I hope I can count on you
to be the new Brad.
Ah, sure, yeah. You can count on me.
I mean, I'm their real dad,
so, yeah, I'll be here every day.
Great. So, if your kids aren't out here,
I'm gonna need you to circle around
to the back of the line. Okay?
- No, I can't go around.
- Thanks.
I came ten minutes early
so I don't have to...
If your kids aren't here,
you have to go around!
I know. There's somebody
in front of me. Okay?
Just go around!
I can't just go over the
cones! I'm boxed in here!
- Go around!
- No, you can't! Okay?
She said stay in the cone, like ice cream!
- (HONKING)
- Go around!
DORIS: Inside the cones!
Amanda has got a recital!
I have to get there! You need to go!
(HORN HONKING CONTINUES)
(REVVING ENGINE)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
- DORIS: Hey!
We always stay inside the cones!
Cones! (GRUNTING)
Cones! Come on!
(MR. HOLT SIGHING)
Have you been living here
for the last few days, Brad?
No.
Then what's with the blankets
and the hot plate
and the B.O.?
I crapped in the wastebasket.
You know, Brad, two years
into my thing with Charlene,
her first husband showed up.
Oriental fellow.
You can't say that.
You cannot say "Oriental."
His name was Yu or Wu.
It could have been Javier.
Anyway, I get off early one day,
get home, and
there he is, stark naked in our bed.
I didn't know what to think.
Really? You didn't know what to think?
Six months later,
I wake up in a Chinese prison
with a tattoo on my lower back
of a golf ball rolling towards my butthole.
I can't hear these stories anymore.
I'm sorry. I know they're
supposed to help...
Griff! What are you doing here?
Thought you should know
Dusty came by the bar earlier.
He was talking about how
he can't do the daddy thing.
I tried to talk some sense into him, but
he seemed determined to get out of town.
What, he's leaving?
I don't think I have to tell you,
but little Megan's dance is tonight,
and she's not going to have a daddy.
That's fantastic. Brad, you win.
And Dusty, because of
an act of cowardice, loses.
I mean, you're the daddy again.
Come on, hit that.
(SIGHS)
No, I'm not her daddy.
I wish more than anything I was,
but I'm not.
Yeah, you're right, Brad. A real dad
wouldn't give up on his kids so easy.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Griff!
Wait!
He's still in the room, Brad.
Oh, hey.
Sorry. I thought you stormed out.
What you said sounded like a storm-out,
and then I heard the door close.
I just thought that ****
was getting kind of personal,
so it'd be good to close the door.
So extremely thoughtful. Thank you. Yeah.
And just so you know where my head was at,
I was going to chase you
down the hallway. Right?
You'd hear my footsteps and you're like,
"Is someone after... What's going on?"
Boom! It's me, and I'm like, "Griff, hey!
"You were right."
Holy ****! That would be so uplifting.
Can we do that?
Griff, can you storm out, and Brad,
you go after him?
I don't really want any part of that.
That sounds like pure nonsense to me.
I don't want... I'd rather not.
We could just try it, you know?
No, that sounds forced and weird to try to
recreate something. Not even recreate.
It would be creating. It didn't happen.
It's over-discussed at this point.
Shouldn't you go see your kid?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.
You guys go. Brad, can I come?
No.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Daddy's not coming, is he?
Oh, honey, he'll be here. He promised.
I see cupcakes over there.
I think you should go eat some. Go on.
Go eat a lot of sugar.
(VIBRATING)
Dusty.
- Nope.
- Come on, Dusty.
Where are you going?
I'd pay a billion dollars
to take her to that dance.
- You're just gonna leave?
- You take her then.
I can't take her. Okay?
I'm not welcome after I said
I was gonna put a spite baby
in her mother.
- I guess that's out, then.
- Yeah, that is out.
- So it's gotta be you.
- (SIGHS)
I'm sorry, Brad,
I just can't do it, all right?
What do you mean, you can't do it?
I can't stay inside the cones.
Look, Dusty, the cones are
there for everyone's safety.
- It's not about the cones.
- You just said it was.
The cones are a metaphor, Brad.
I'm not the domestic type, okay?
Dusty, come on.
What are you talking about?
You're organized, you're handy.
You make the best cinnamon rolls
I have ever tasted.
Those were Cinnabons, Brad. Come on.
You can't make rolls like that
in a conventional oven.
I knew it! I knew it.
I knew it from the beginning!
So you've been telling
some tall tales, huh?
- All that Special Ops stuff.
- No, just the Cinnabons!
Why would you lie about Cinnabons?
'Cause I wanted to win. All right?
I wanted to prove that
I was a good dad, too, but I'm not.
Okay? Are you happy?
Is that what you want to hear?
All the noise and the mess
and all the choices.
You do one thing wrong,
you can screw them up for life.
- Do you realize that?
- Yeah.
Dads have to make a lot of choices, okay?
And we blow most of them.
Yeah, and the other parents.
That kid, Eli. I was over there
for a play date. You know about this?
You can't just ride your bike
over to a friend's house,
to play Hot Wheels anymore,
now you got to make some kind of date?
- I know, it's a shame.
- Well, I'm over there,
and the kid's dad keeps
asking me if Dylan's gonna be
in the gifted program with Eli.
Like Dylan isn't as smart as
his little ball-scratcher kid.
I wanted to murder that smug prick.
Dusty, look, I hate that guy, too, okay?
But his son is Dylan's best friend,
so you suck it up.
(STUTTERING) I mean, that's most of
what dads do, is take ****.
I mean, that's what we do.
I can't do it, Brad.
I can't take **** like you do.
You take **** better than
anyone I've ever met,
and I mean that as a compliment
from the bottom of my heart.
- Thank you.
- But I'm sorry, Brad. I can't.
I can't do it, man.
You made a promise to Megan,
and you're gonna keep it.
Ow!
(GROANING)
Did you just punch me in the face, Brad?
Ow, yes.
Knowing full well I got no choice
but to bust you up now?
I really wish you wouldn't.
If I did, you'd take that beatdown
for those kids, wouldn't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I would.
- Come on.
- Good luck, Dusty.
What? No, no, you gotta come.
It's just... I can't see Sara
after what I said.
Sara loves you, Brad. All right?
I know just what to say to her.
You just stand there
and look lost without her.
- I am lost without her.
- Well, that's good. Then let's go.
- But I look terrible.
- Yeah, you do. Come here.
- What are you doing?
- I'm fixing you up, man.
Dusty, get your hands out of my pants.
Calm down. Think I want to
touch your little dinky?
I'm trying to fix you up.
All right. Let me see.
Wow. I look great.
Here you go.
- That's incredible.
- Come on.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
SARA: Hey, pumpkin.
Daddy wanted to be here,
I know he did. He just gets...
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Uh-oh.
She's doing her arms-folded thing.
You said she'd smile.
Maybe even start a slow clap.
Don't worry, I got this. Okay? Come on.
Oh, hey, look, it's the guy that
stranded his kids at school.
And look who he's with.
Did you get anybody pregnant
on your way over here, Brad?
No, I didn't.
- DUSTY: Sara, listen...
- No!
- Sara, please.
- No. I am not going to listen to you.
You know what? Your daughter's been
sitting there for two hours, heartbroken.
Sara, I am so sorry...
Oh, just, please. Will one of you idiots
just ask your daughter to dance?
- Really?
- SARA: Yes.
Neither one of you deserves her, but yes.
- Go ahead, Dusty.
- No, you take the first one.
You've earned it more than I have.
Dusty, please, she's your daughter.
What the hell did I miss?
I'll tell you what. I'll vouch for you
to the kids and I'll take the first dance.
I'll say my good-byes,
and then I'll get out of your hair.
Wait, wait. When you say
"get out of your hair,"
you mean leave, like leave-leave? Tonight?
Daddy! Brad! The fourth graders are here.
They're picking on Dylan again.
That's it.
Those little ****heads are dead.
Where are they?
DUSTY: Those are the fourth graders?
- They're girls.
- Uh-huh. They're so mean.
Why are you even here at
the Daddy-Daughter Dance?
Are you a daughter? Are you a girl?
Are you too scared to take me on
without your little friends?
- Oh, no, he's calling out the big one.
- Oh-oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
Come on!
Dylan!
- (ALL GASP)
- Yes!
- Dylan, what are you doing?
- Did you see? Did you see?
I punched her in the face,
just like you taught me.
- What?
- And then I kicked her right in the nuts.
You like that, *****? Huh?
- No, no, no!
- You want some more, *****?
Sweetheart, what happened?
What's going on here?
He punched me in the face.
Then he kicked me in the swimsuit area.
Then he called me the "B" word.
Who did, him?
He did. I saw it.
He said they taught him to hit girls.
No, no. We thought
your daughter was a boy.
- What?
- No, what he means is that
Dylan told us that a fourth grader
was picking on him,
but he didn't tell us it was a girl.
Yeah, and if you had, we'd have told you
it's never okay to hit a girl.
And that she's probably only bugging you
because she likes you, buddy.
I do not like him.
Oh, I think she likes him.
Ah, gross, whatever.
She totally does.
Are you calling my daughter a whore?
- What?
- They were implying it, Jerry.
Wait. That's quite a stretch.
Mrs. Troy, please. I got this.
Wait, first of all, which one
of you two is the kid's dad?
They both are.
(GASPS)
Oh, my gosh. Wow!
I'm sorry. That's the first time
he's ever referred to me as Dad.
It's something I've wanted to hear
for a long time, so it's a bit poignant.
I tend to cry a lot
when things get emotional.
They tease me all the time.
- I'm actually the stepdad.
- Oh, is that right?
So you're the real dad, huh!
Hey. You don't want to
embarrass yourself, buddy.
You threatening me now, tough guy?
- He's threatening you, Jerry.
- Nobody's threatening anybody.
But you're gonna want to
back that up, Jerry.
And you, Squidward tie.
Quit being an instigator,
or I'm gonna have to rap you in the mouth.
(YELPS)
Hey, hey, hey. Everyone just calm down.
We're at the Daddy-Daughter Dance.
You stay out of it, all right?
You don't count!
I want to talk to the real dad here.
Hey, Brad here is more of
a real dad than any of us.
You ever want to see how you should be
raising your kids, go look at this guy.
Here I go again. What did I tell you?
- Really? You mean that?
- Yes, I do, Brad.
You're a great dad.
(ALL GASPING)
- Like that?
- You shouldn't have done that.
Yeah? Why?
I'm pretty sure he kills people for a job.
He's been rather vague with me,
but that's what I'm kind of surmising.
- Are we gonna do this?
- DUSTY: Oh, we're gonna do it.
- Okay. You ready?
- DUSTY: Yeah, I'm ready.
- This is what you get.
- MEGAN: Daddy.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Want another one? Come on in.
What's going on?
Is this like some UFC ****?
DUSTY: Come on, Brad.
That's right. It's a dance, Jerry.
Yeah. So dance, Jerry!
Yeah! You just got served, Jerry!
You just got a piping hot serving.
I'm not getting served.
You're getting served!
You don't know this about me, Jerry,
but I like to move my body.
Get it, Brad!
(ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
Yeah! Yeah, Brad!
This is a dance! Let's go!
(ALL CHEERING)
(LAUGHING)
Am I the only one with my shirt off?
You know you can't leave, right?
You want me to stay?
These guys are growing up so fast.
You don't want to miss it.
You're sweating profusely.
- I know. I sweat a lot.
- That's cool.
Thank you.
BRAD: So Dusty did stay.
And with the huge amount of money
he was making as the voice of The Panda,
he built his own new castle
right down the street.
Hey!
But we kept Tumor because he didn't
get along with Dusty's new puppy.
(WHIMPERING)
It turns out Tumor was only five...
- (TUMOR GROWLING)
- ...so we're going to have him
for a long, long time.
- BRAD: Tumor!
- (DOORBELL RINGING)
And I was more than a little surprised
when Dusty showed up one day
with his new wife
and his new stepdaughter.
This is my stepdaughter, Adriana.
- Hey, Adriana. I'm Brad.
- Want to go play?
That's your brother and sister.
You guys play nice, okay?
Hey, hon. Who's at the door?
Oh, hey, Sara. This is my wife, Karen.
Oh, is it... Your wife?
SARA: That Karen, wow, she is so great.
It turns out she's
a doctor and a celebrated
novelist. I mean...
Hon, would you...
- Come here, Griff. Come here, Griff. Oh!
- KAREN: He's so cute.
SARA: And I was so surprised when
I found out that we're the same age.
I mean, she looks so young, right?
Good for her!
Honey, you look amazing tonight.
(LAUGHS) What are you talking about?
It's just my normal clothes.
That's how I look.
I just got ready really fast.
Hey, Griff. Hey, little Griffy.
You want to come to Daddy?
What, you think I'm going to
pick his pockets or something?
- BRAD: No.
- He doesn't carry a wallet.
Oh, sweetie, be careful
with that knife, okay?
You're not my dad.
DUSTY: Brad was right.
Being a stepdad isn't always easy.
But he was also right that it's worth it.
And he was right about the Ford Flex, too.
It's a great family car.
Got plenty of room for the kids,
gear, and plenty of pickup for me.
I got the Weekender package.
A few more bells and whistles than Brad's,
but Brad doesn't need to know that.
(MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING)
(GASPS) Daddy!
Sweetie, I've been waiting for you to...
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
I heard a gulp.
DUSTY: (STAMMERS)
Well, a little bit, maybe.
- BRAD: Sure.
- There you are.
BRAD: He's a lot bigger than you.
He's got legs for arms.
Little star, guess what?
I like him. I like him a lot.
Yeah. I bet you he's
going to like us, too.
- BRAD: Remember, Loving Fence.
- DUSTY: Yeah.
BRAD: Just go say hi.
Yeah, look, I got this, buddy. Watch.
Hey. You must be Roger.
Nope.
(TUNING RADIO)
DUSTY: (SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
JASON SINCLAIR: Caught Kenny G.
At the United Center this weekend.
Man, can that guy put on a show.
20,000 people on their feet
for the entire four hours.
You're listening to Jason Sinclair.
This is The Panda.BRAD: Here's a question for you.
What do kids need more? A father or a dad?
What's the difference?
The way I see it, darn near
anyone can be a father...
(ROARING)
...but not everyone has the patience
or the devotion to be a dad.
As for me...
Anybody caught a Monarch yet?
...I've always wanted to be a dad.
Let me tell you, I love it!
Yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
And I love my Ford Flex.
It treats me to a smooth ride,
and you know what?
It didn't break the bank.
Room enough for the whole family.
Yes, I love being a dad.
And I love these two adorable
little rays of sunshine.
Hey, Dylan! Good morning.
Whatever.
BRAD: Okay. I'm not their real dad.
Good morning, Mr. Whitaker.
- I'm their stepdad.
- Good morning, Megan.
Can you please put this on the fridge?
Well, sure. Did you do
another drawing of our family?
- Uh-huh.
- Huh?
That's me and Dylan and Mommy.
So great.
And over here, far, far away,
is you.
Oh? And am I wearing a baseball cap?
That's the knife in your head
'cause I was killing you in the eye.
Oh, I see.
Well, I love how you drew my hair.
That's poop.
Well, it's well-drawn.
And I'm guessing it's dog poop?
That's homeless man poop.
Oh.
All right. (SIGHING)
BRAD: I actually can't
father my own children,
ever since I hit a little
snafu at a dental office.
(MUFFLED) I've got
a little bit of a gag reflex.
Uh, close your eyes, breathe through
your nose, you'll be fine.
Oh. Okay.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(MACHINE SQUEAKING)
(BEEPS)
Oh, you got a really weird tongue.
You need to floss better.
BRAD: Ever since then, my testicles have
been more decorative than anything else.
Hey!
And I thought I'd never have a family.
Until I met a stunning mom named Sara.
Would you look at her?
I am one lucky so-and-so.
I hit the jackpot.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry I'm taking so long.
I have to show that Sixty West
building to those new clients.
- I know.
- (GASPS)
- Oh, my God! The kids' lunches.
- Already packed. I wrote them
little inspirational notes
to start them on their day.
They've already eaten their breakfasts,
and you look perfect.
You are amazing.
Look at this, huh? Another family drawing.
Oh, no. I am so sorry.
No, I think you're misunderstanding.
This is the first drawing
where I'm not dead already.
Sure, I've got a knife in my eye
and some homeless man poop on my head,
(SIGHING)
but this is showing real progress.
I think she's starting to accept me.
You can find the good
in just about anything.
I love that about you. You know that?
Thanks.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello. I'm home.
Hey.
How was the, uh...
What's wrong?
He won't talk to me.
He said he only wants to talk to you.
You want to talk to me?
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
- You mean me and your mom?
- Mmm-mmm.
- Just me? By myself?
- Mmm-hmm.
Sure. I'm...
I'm totally free. Let's go to the den.
We'll sit there.
We'll sit.
We can do it sitting or standing?
Doesn't matter. We're just gonna do it.
We're not gonna overthink it.
Yeah. Great. Okay, good.
Just the men, yeah.
A little rap session. Great.
(WHISPERING) Oh, my God.
I just want you to know that
I'm just here to listen. All right?
No judgments, no lectures,
just a compassionate ear.
- Well, there are these kids at school...
- Mmm-hmm.
...and they're bigger than me,
because they're fourth graders.
- (SHUTTER CLICKING)
- And...
Oh, was that weird?
I'm sorry, I'm just...
It's a big moment for me,
and I'm just trying to capture it.
It just came off awkward.
So, go ahead, continue telling
your story. Fourth graders.
Anyway, there are
these fourth graders, and...
He actually confided in me.
I mean, it was that father-son feeling
I've been dying for,
and it was even better than
I thought it was gonna be.
(SIGHS) I mean, he really needed me. Me.
That is so great, honey.
He even said not to tell you.
So I'm actually totally betraying
his trust right now. (CHUCKLES)
What are we gonna do about
those little snot-nosed fourth graders?
Oh, I think it's going to be fine.
He's going to try to do some
trust falls on the playground.
Really? You think that's gonna work?
As long as they catch him. Yeah.
Hey, Brad.
Yeah?
If I ask you something,
you promise you won't cry again?
Of course, sweetie. What is it?
Well, at school,
they told us about this thing,
and it's called a Daddy-Daughter Dance.
(GASPING)
So, do you want to go with me?
(SOBBING)
You said you wouldn't cry, Brad.
I'm not. Megan, yes. A million times yes.
I thought big people
weren't supposed to cry.
I think it's sweet that he's
crying like a little *****.
(GASPS) Megan!
You are not supposed
to call people that word.
You know what? It takes a real
man to show his emotions.
(SOBBING LOUDLY)
All right, that's a bit much.
VIZZINI: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
FEZZIK: Anybody want a peanut?
(ALL LAUGHING)
BRAD: We were finally becoming a family.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- I'll get it!
After being pushed away
and treated like an outsider,
I was finally becoming
the dad that I always knew I could...
Daddy!
Hi! Where are you?
Where's Cameroon?
Is that gunfire? Cool!
MEGAN: Daddy, Daddy!
I want to talk to Daddy.
Hi, Daddy.
Good.
- So your ex is calling, huh?
- (SIGHS) Yeah.
What a treat for the kids.
It's been a long time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
We're watching a really funny
movie with Mommy and Brad.
Oh, Brad is Mommy's new husband.
Wait. He doesn't know about me?
Well, I haven't talked to him
in six months.
We've been married eight months.
Brad, Daddy wants to talk to you.
- No! No, no. Don't, don't...
- I'm just going to say hi.
You don't need to do that. Brad, don't.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you, sweetie.
Hello, Dusty?
Super to make your acquaintance.
In fact, I just wish
I could shake your hand
and offer to buy you a cold one.
- Tomorrow?
- What?
BOTH: Daddy's coming! Yay!
Oh, yeah, I guess I could pick you up.
- (WHISPERS) No.
- Hmm?
It's Whitaker.
W-H-I-T-A-K-E-R. (CHUCKLES)
No, I'm not comfortable giving you
my Social Security number over the phone.
Uh, okay, yeah, my credit score is 752.
I'm very proud of that. (CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry? What sort of fighting styles
am I proficient in?
I don't know if I've ever been
asked that before.
Hello, Dusty, hello, hello? Hmm...
I lost him.
What just happened?
Did you just invite him to come here?
Is he coming tomorrow?
Well, I didn't know
he'd accept my offer so soon.
I mean, he really jumped at it.
Remember when I said he was like Jesse
James and Mick Jagger had a baby?
Yeah, I just thought maybe
he was really skinny and
jittery, and had like a little bit
of a British accent, or something.
He's wild and he's crazy.
That's why I fell in love with him.
Then you end up with two kids.
And I'm stuck there holding the bag and
he's nowhere to be found.
It doesn't matter how much love or passion,
or you can't breathe without each other.
All of that stuff is stupid in comparison.
When you have kids,
you have responsibilities.
He doesn't understand that.
Honey, this is actually a good thing.
- (SIGHS)
- I'll welcome Dusty into our home,
and we'll establish some kind
but firm boundaries.
All right? It's what Step-By-Stepdad
calls "setting up a Loving Fence."
A Loving Fence?
Wow, that sounds really great, honey.
But your self-help books
have never met Dusty Mayron.
He sounds like a rascal, but I don't
think it's anything I can't handle.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
PANDA SINGER: Check. Check, check.
Chinese Checkers,
Czech, Czech Republic, pop,
sibilance, sibilance, pop,
one, two, six, seven,
check, check, check, check.
What do you got for me, Brad?
Oh, Mr. Holt, hello. Well, hopefully
the new voice of The Panda.
Oh, listen.
I gotta leave early today. I gotta go
pick up my wife's ex at the airport.
Jesus, kid, how'd you
draw that **** detail?
Brad, why do you want
this deadbeat in your home?
Well, it's not that I want him in my home,
it's just that the better
stepparenting books
say that the worst thing you can do
for the kids is to push out the biological.
You're in the danger zone here,
Brad, and let me tell you why.
Kids that grow up without their dads
always end up obsessing over them.
Most of the hook-ups
that I've had in my adult life
have been with women
that had daddy issues.
I don't know if this is
an appropriate story.
Look, my wife would kill me
if she knew I was telling you this.
Well, then you shouldn't tell me this.
When I met her in Denver...
You're going to tell
the story, aren't you?
...she was a topless maid.
- Ninety-nine bucks an hour.
- Mmm-hmm.
Never met her father.
But who did she meet? Me.
And who did treat her like ****? Me.
I eventually loved her,
but every time she got out of line,
I'd just pull the Humvee over
and ask her to get out politely.
And then I'd drive away.
Guess what?
She showed up at home every time.
This story has no relevance
to my situation.
Oh, it doesn't at all.
It's just a good story.
So, Pete, are we going
to hear this guy, or what?
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
I'm sorry.
Keep it up, Brad.
You and I will fight in the parking lot.
BRAD: So today is the day I'm finally
meeting the father of my children.
Am I nervous? You're darn right I am.
But who wouldn't be? (SIGHS DEEPLY)
And here's the thing.
I mean, Pepe, you know, kids...
...they see through things and,
at the end of the day,
they know who's been around...
Holy balls!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I hope that's not him.
(GULPING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
There is no doubt this man
is your better in every way.
Well, you're kind to say that. Thank you.
Yeah, I feel pretty good.
- Hey, you Dusty?
- Nope.
What?
Are you sure?
Are you Dusty... No, you're not Dusty.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(ON RADIO) You've got
Jason Sinclair on The Panda,
the station everybody
in the office can agree on.
What is this?
Now if you're up in Wolf Trap this weekend,
do yourself a favor and check out...
(DOOR OPENING)
Hey! Where have you been?
I called you like 100 times.
(SIGHS) I know, my phone died. Look...
This motorcycle, is this...
Yes. He's here.
- He's here?
- Yes.
What's he doing inside there?
He's giving the kids
all kinds of Starbursts.
Starbursts? God damn it!
Sorry. Sorry. (EXHALES)
I'm a hot habanero pepper right now.
I got a few bullet points I want to
bring up with our friend Dusty,
starting with airport etiquette,
courtesy and expectation.
MEGAN: Oh, good story, Daddy!
You like that story? It's all true. Hey!
Who wants some more Starbursts and
a couple of uncirculated silver dollars?
So you are Dusty.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I sure am. You must be
the new and improved husband.
Bring it in, big guns.
I already met you at the airport.
No, I don't recall that, friend.
Yeah, I walked right up to you
and asked if you were Dusty.
I'm pretty sure I'd remember
a heavy hitter like yourself.
(SCOFFS)
Well, must have been my mistake.
All right, that was me at the airport.
- Yeah, I know that.
- The truth is,
I saw you before you saw me,
and I'm thinking,
"This is the guy who's raising my kids?"
"And damn it if he doesn't
look like the real deal."
I mean, look at you.
You figured it out, didn't you?
You cracked the code.
(CHUCKLES) I don't know about that.
Don't play that humble game with me.
He is so humble. He's just too humble.
Honey, you got it goin' on.
Everybody says so.
Yeah, I got it goin' way on.
So you can understand
why I panicked at the airport.
- I froze, Brad. I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
Look, these are tricky waters to navigate.
They sure are, man. I mean,
that is insightful.
You know, I thought it was weird Sara
didn't tell me about you before.
I thought, what's she hiding?
And now I know.
A champion.
Hey, Brad! Did you see Dad's motorcycle?
Isn't it cool?
BRAD: It sure is.
What is that, an Indian?
Yep.
I believe they're manufactured
in Minneapolis.
I've never been, but that's the setting
for The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
And... What's the other... Rhoda.
Which I want to say was a spin-off.
Damn! You really know
your bikes, Brad. You ride?
Uh-huh. Yeah!
- Really?
- BRAD: Yeah.
I mean, not anymore. I did, you know,
back in college. I had a, um...
I had a Kawa-saki? Kawasaki Nine.
Yeah.
With the fenders and the...
The broil joint. So...
Well, you should get on her, man. Come on!
Take her out, see what she can do.
She's got a lot of power.
Oh, no, no, no.
Yeah, Brad! Brad... Please!
No. Hey, come on, kids. It's time for bed.
It's way past your bedtime.
Let's brush your teeth.
All right, come on, guys,
listen to your mom. Hey, look...
(STUTTERS) I don't want to overstep, but
it would mean the world to me
if I could tuck in our two little blessings.
Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course.
They're your kids. Tuck away.
Oh, thank you for that, Brad.
The King messed up. He messed up bad.
He thought he could just
ride off to slay dragons,
and his Queen would always be
waiting for him.
And then one day the King received word
that his dominion was being ruled over
by some curly-headed Step King
with good credit?
Oh, no!
Well, the King rode hard up on his lands,
and when he arrived,
he did gaze fondly upon the Queen,
remembering their good times together,
for he had known her in her prime,
when she was down for anything,
and I do mean anything.
Psst...
Sounds like your dad's spinning
quite a yarn. Mind if I listen in?
Oh, actually, it's getting late.
You two need to get some sack time.
BOTH: No, we want more story, please!
Hey, I'd love to be in here all night,
but let's be respectful of Brad's rules,
no matter how arbitrary they seem.
All right?
Good night, my little golden treasures.
Good night, my little magical cherubs.
- Here comes some butterfly kisses.
- (GIGGLING)
And some Eskimo kisses.
Good night, buddy.
Sleep tight. Sleep tight.
Hey, who wants good-night tickles?
- BOTH: Me!
- (DUSTY CHUCKLES)
Good night, my little breath of God.
Good night, my little Jesus teardrop.
I almost forgot, my famous
good-night back scratches.
- Oh, so relaxing, so relaxing.
- (SIGHING)
Good night, sweetie bear.
Hey, who wants twenty bucks?
- BOTH: I do! Me!
- Twenty dollars?
- What?
- Oh, yeah.
One for you, and one for you.
I don't know if that's appropriate.
Ah, don't worry about it.
BRAD: Okay. Good night.
So, uh, if you want to, why don't you
come by tomorrow after school?
Might be a good time to...
What about the cold one?
The cold one?
You promised me
a cold one and a handshake.
Cold one. One cold one, coming up.
Great. I'll grab my jacket,
we'll go outside.
Perfect. All right.
Hey! Psst...
What are you doing?
What are you guys buddies now?
No. I mean, I offered him a cold one.
I really should honor
the cold one promise.
(SIGHS) Fine. You give him a cold one,
and then you get rid of him, okay?
You put up your Loving Fence,
- remember?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Then you come to bed.
- Okay.
- Will do.
- Okay.
DUSTY: What you got going on over here?
Oh, uh, that's a treehouse. A little, uh,
bonding project for Dylan and I.
Yeah, we've been at it
for about two months.
DUSTY: It's looking good.
BRAD: Thank you.
So, Dusty, how long do you think
you're going to be in town for?
Well, Brad, the truth is,
I'm wheels-up a week from tomorrow.
Time to get out there and
kick some ass for America.
Oh, I see. So you're a soldier?
Nope.
Oh, so you're a, uh...
Yep.
Yep, what?
(CHUCKLES) You don't want to know
any more than that, Brad.
Okay.
Um, listen, Dusty, I think that we should
set up a visitation schedule.
Right? That way, you feel like
you have ample time with the children...
Why don't we cut the ****, Brad?
No, we don't have to cut the ****.
You want to know what I'm doing here,
why don't you quit looking at
whatever you wrote on your hand?
Be a man and ask me, Brad.
Okay. What are you doing here?
Now, we both know kids need
a single primary male role model.
Sara's made her choice.
I'm man enough to
let that role model be you.
I will vouch for you with my children.
I will give them my sacred
permission to trust you.
To love you and to
call you Dad.
You'd do that for me?
No.
But I will do it for them.
That is what you want, isn't it, Brad?
More than anything in the world.
He played you.
You just got so played out there.
I know it looks that way, 'cause
I promised I would ask him to leave,
and then I invited him to stay for a week,
but he didn't play me.
You know what he did? He cut the ****.
- Oh, he did?
- And I gotta say, it was refreshing.
I think more of us could stand
to just cut the ****, you know.
- Right.
- In one conversation,
he just blew by
eight chapters in my stepdad book.
I mean, this is gonna be so good
for me and the kids.
Oh, baby, you have no idea
who you're dancing with.
Dusty gets into your head,
- that's what he does.
- (WHIRRING)
(MUFFLED) He has a very impressive,
rugged bravado,
there's no question. But I gotta say,
I think in here, there's
a soft, soft creamy center.
You know? I think he feels a lot.
He just... He needs
someone with this, a big ear.
And I got them. Mmm.
Oh, good morning, Dusty.
- Hey.
- You're up and at 'em.
- (OVEN TIMER DINGS)
- Yeah, I got up early
- and did a quick 20.
- Really?
- Twenty minutes of what?
- Oh, twenty miles.
Did a little light sparring,
then I whipped up
a pan of piping-hot
cinnamon rolls for my family.
And I made one for you, too.
Wow. That's very impressive, thank you.
- DUSTY: Good morning, gang!
- Ooh, it smells yummy!
Our real dad's a super,
super-duper good cook!
- Mmm-hmm.
- Here you go, guys.
Yeah, it looks an awful lot like Cinnabon.
Well, thank you, Brad.
What a nice thing to say.
Mmm, it tastes exactly like Cinnabon!
In fact, same shape,
same swirl, same frosting.
Now you're starting to embarrass me,
but I do appreciate the compliment.
Good morning, Sar-bear!
- Morning.
- Hey, listen, guys,
Brad and I had a talk last night
about the importance of family.
And now that everyone's here,
I wanted to say a few words, okay?
I think that would be great.
Hey, kids, you know, families can be
ever-growing and changing things.
And sometimes someone new
knocks on the door of your heart
and you're not sure if you
have room in there for one more.
But there's someone here now
that I hope you guys can learn to love.
Okay?
(WHISTLING)
- Come here, boy!
- (GROWLING)
BOTH: A doggy! Yay!
You brought a dog home?
Yeah. Is that a problem?
I mean, you seemed
really into it while I was teeing it up.
No, I thought you were talking about me.
- Oh, but you're not a dog, Brad.
- No... (SCOFFS)
Look, last night, when we talked...
Oh, yeah. Well, listen,
that's got to happen organically.
Why can't it happen now?
It just can't.
You're dirty.
SARA: Dusty, how old is that thing?
I'd guess him to be around 15.
I mean, I found him this morning,
living in a storm drain.
I named him Tumor,
because of how much he grows on you.
BOTH: Mommy, can we keep Tumor, please?
Oh, I'm gonna leave this one up to Brad.
BOTH: Please, Brad! Please!
Why is he looking at me like that?
- (GROWLING)
- He's only looking at me.
Maybe we just get a puppy instead?
A puppy, Brad? What are they
going to learn from a puppy?
An old dog like Tumor here's
been out in the world, man. Living free.
Fighting for survival and seeing things
we can only dream of.
Just look at the wisdom
in those cloudy eyes.
Besides, you know what happens
to old dogs at shelters.
He's gonna have to walk the green mile
as soon as he gets there.
No, Brad, no! Don't kill our dog!
I hate you!
Okay. Okay. Fine.
He can live out his few
remaining weeks with us.
Yay! Thanks, Brad.
I don't hate you anymore.
He's going potty!
SARA: Oh, my God.
We'll clean it up. We don't mind.
Look at that.
The dog's already
teaching them responsibility.
Hey, guys, when you got to
pick up the potty, use gloves.
- He's definitely got worms in his poo.
- (BOTH GROANING IN DISGUST)
(SIGHS)
SARA: Dusty!
Can you please move this thing?
I can't get my car out of the garage.
Hey, Brad, do you mind?
I want to grab a quick shower.
Yeah, sure, no problem.
- Hey, honey.
- Hi, sweetie.
It's blocking everything.
No, I know. I know, don't worry.
We're on top of it.
What are you doing? Brad, I don't...
Hey! Stay away from that, please.
(GRUNTS)
Honey, what are you doing?
- (ENGINE REVVING)
- (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
I don't know if that's a good idea, Brad.
Dusty!
It's vibrating up into my shoulders.
Hey, it's okay, Brad.
Look, she's a lot of bike, man.
No, I'm good. Why don't you go
back in and take that shower,
so you can get a shirt on?
Oh, you got it.
Hey, you look good on that, man.
Remember, one down, four up.
Dusty, everyone knows it's one down...
- (SCREAMING)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(CRASHING)
Did Brad just die?
I think we all need to prepare ourselves
for that possibility, pumpkin. Okay?
Brad!
Brad!
- (BRAD GROANING)
- (GASPING)
Oh, my God.
- (COUGHING)
- Brad, are you all right?
No, I'm not all right.
I'm in the wall. I'm scared.
Oh, honey.
Jeez, Brad, I thought you said
you could ride.
I can ride, okay.
Would you get a shirt on?
I think if you could ride, you wouldn't
be stuck in a wall right now, Brad.
SARA:
Yeah. I'm sorry to say it, but he's right.
You almost killed the kids!
DUSTY: Let's not beat up
on Brad here. Okay?
He was showboating for the kids
a little bit, and things got out of hand.
Let's all just be grateful
nobody got hurt. Okay?
I got hurt!
Okay, kids, listen up.
This is a good lesson
on why you never wanna lie
about your ability to do things
you clearly can't do, okay, huh?
I think my arm is stuck in the wall.
DUSTY: Brad, just stay still.
I'll get you out.
No, no, no, no, no. No, don't do anything.
And would you please
just go and get a shirt on?
Just calm down, all right?
- (SARA SCREAMING)
- (GROANING)
Hey, I'm really sorry about
what happened to your car.
Yeah, and I'm sorry about
what happened to your bike.
Oh, no damage. Not a scratch.
- Oh, not even one scratch?
- Unbelievable.
(LAUGHS) That's so good.
(ROOF THUDS)
Let's keep it going! Inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Morning, Jerry.
Got to keep it inside the cones!
No, Daddy! You're supposed
to stay in the cones!
Whoa, whoa! Inside the cones!
- Inside. Bring her in. That's better.
- (SIGHS)
Let's keep those kids safe today, okay?
Thank you, Brad.
Sorry, Doris.
It's okay. This whole drop-off line thing
can be a bit overwhelming
if you're not used to it.
Yeah, well, I've landed a chopper
in the middle of a Cuban prison riot,
Brad, I think I'm good.
(BEEPING)
Bye, guys! I love you guys so much.
Have a great day, okay?
- Bye, Daddy!
- Make sure you do all your work.
Bye, guys. Have the best day.
I love you so...
BRAD: Here's the exciting thing.
We just opened up in our 68th market,
making The Panda America's
number three smooth jazz station.
Wow.
And here it is. My, uh... My little nook.
Wow. Oh, man, I gotta admit,
this is more than I expected.
Wow.
I kind of envy you, Brad.
Oh, stop it.
Ah, it's true. I mean, you're a nice guy,
making a comfortable living,
and the most fantastic woman
in the world loves you dearly.
Really? Thanks for saying that.
I mean it. And that sacrifice
she's making for you... That's true love.
Sacrifice?
Well, sure, Brad.
You know how bad
that girl wants another baby.
She wants another baby?
For her to let that slip away
and marry a man she knew to be barren,
that's true love.
How do you know that I can't...
- Bradley.
- Yes.
Caroline says we're gonna hear some
new voice talent this a.m.?
Yes, sir, in about 15 minutes.
Okay. How'd it go
- with the ****bag ex-husband?
- Uh-uh.
You whip his ass with
that Loving Fence of yours?
(LAUGHS)
Well, actually it's interesting, Mr. Holt,
because I want you to meet Dusty Mayron.
Jesus in the morning.
She was married to him first?
Okay. Let's establish some
ground rules, pretty boy.
- Airborne?
- Huh?
Well, your lapel pin.
101st, that's one hell of a division, sir.
Oh, well, thank you, Dusty.
Are you Airborne?
Oh, no, sir, I'm afraid
I don't share that honor,
but I'm humbled to be in the
presence of anyone who does.
Airborne Division? Those guys love to fly.
Very nice to meet you, sir.
Thank you, thank you.
It's good to meet you.
My pleasure. It's an honor.
Fast friends over there. (CHUCKLES)
That's wonderful.
Come on! No way!
The whole time you're running guns
for the freedom fighters
right under the cartel's noses,
and they never suspected it was you once?
Well, I'm sure they started to suspect
once they were in a ball of fire
the size of four city blocks.
(LAUGHING)
That's great. I love that!
Holy buckets, Brad!
If this guy was my wife's ex,
I'd put a bullet in my skull.
(BOTH LAUGH)
DUSTY: Come on, Leo, cut it out.
Oh, uh... Sir, I think Barry's ready.
You're really going to like this guy.
Okay. Ready to listen.
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
All right. Mmm-hmm.
- You like him, Brad?
- I do.
I do. I mean, I think his voice
has a warm dependability
that all Panda listeners could trust.
What do you think, Duster?
(BRAD LAUGHS)
Does Dusty now work for The Panda?
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm not really into smooth jazz.
I shouldn't comment.
(SCOFFS) Nobody's into smooth jazz.
I'm into smooth jazz.
Of course you are, Brad.
So what do you think, Dusty?
I mean, it just seems a little flaccid.
I think you need a voice with some
virility and hope, that tells listeners,
"Hey! Maybe the next song
won't suck as bad as the last one."
Also, I think a strong ability
to be something like...
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
What...
What just happened?
He sang the tagline.
- Good boy, Tumor!
- (CAR HONKING)
BOTH: Daddy!
DUSTY: Hey!
Oh, perfect timing. Listen to this.
DUSTY ON RADIO: One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
- Is that you?
- Yeah!
SARA: That's you?
Why is that him?
I took him to work, and 15 minutes later
he's the new voice of The Panda.
Hey, you believe that? I record
one take at 9:30 this morning,
it's already run 11 times.
Do I really get 182 bucks
every time they play that?
Yes. Every time, yes.
Ooh! Money.
You see why I love America
even more than most people do?
Hey. What's this?
Just the handyman
I hired off Angie's List.
He's upstairs fixing the damage.
Your wife had to hire a man? For what?
Some framing, a little sheetrock repair,
some masonry and basic window glazing?
Come on, Brad.
We can bang that out tonight.
Yeah.
It's just basic sheetrock glazing
and, you know, little whatamajigs.
Get up there and
get in there and crank it out.
Dusty is pretty good with his hands.
Pretty good with my hands,
Brad, she knows.
Okay. Yeah, I'll just go
up there and I'll...
- Want me to do it? I'll tell him to screw.
- No, no, no, no.
No, no, no. That's okay.
I'll tell him,
- "Guess what, bub?"
- Tell him the men are here.
I'll say that.
I'll say, "The men are here."
- Let's do it.
- I don't want to imply to him
that he's not a man. But I'll just say,
"Hey, the boys are back in town." Right?
(HAMMERING)
Oh, hi.
I'm Brad. Uh... My wife hired you.
Nice to meet you, Brad.
I just came up here to say that you...
That, um, you should have good luck.
Thank you for your wishes of luck.
I'll be downstairs.
Well? What happened?
Oh, you know, I think it's...
He already started,
and I just think it feels wrong.
Why? Because he's black?
No. No, no.
Megan! Dylan!
- What are you doing? Huh?
- Teaching moment.
Guys, what would we call Brad
if he treated someone differently
just because of the color of their skin?
- (BOTH GASP)
- Brad's being racism?
Racist, honey. Brad is a racist.
- Honey.
- No, I mean... But not on purpose.
Is Brad a Klan person?
No. (LAUGHS)
So I'm a racist if I don't fire someone?
Well, yeah, you are.
Yeah, you are.
Sir, you're taking this all wrong.
Right. So you get one look
at the color of my skin,
and all of a sudden you're
Mr. Do It Yourself, huh?
No, not at all. Please, allow me
to pay you for your time and travel.
Don't do me any favors, Paula Deen.
(SIGHS)
I'm not a woman.
You did the right thing.
Boy, it doesn't feel that way.
Let's get cracking.
Where do you keep your tools?
I know where Brad keeps his tools.
In the credenza.
- Yeah.
- You keep your tools
- in the credenza, Brad?
- In the credenza. Mmm-hmm.
Just easier to get to.
- It's convenient.
- Yeah.
(CLATTERING)
This is a tackle box, Brad.
Are we going fishing?
No. Unless you want to go fishing.
What have you got in here?
A hammer, masking tape,
three C batteries and a tampon.
Yeah, well, a tampon's handy for...
Yeah, I know what they're handy for.
So are we not going to fix it?
Well, what do you want from me, Brad?
To buy all the gear we need
would cost more
than just hiring someone
off of Angie's List.
- (GROWLING)
- (GASPS)
And the King, he thought the Step King
seemed okay at first, a little soft, maybe,
but, heck, the Queen needed a meal ticket.
But the more the King learned about him,
the more he doubted the
Step King's ability to lead.
So the King decided
there was only one way to...
Psst... Hey. Good story?
Yeah. The King finally
came back to his castle.
But the evil Step King
wouldn't give him his crown back.
Oh, okay, yeah.
I think I've heard this story before.
Ah, it's a story as old as time, Brad.
Well, you know what? It turns out
the Step King wasn't evil at all.
He was a really good guy.
Fun at parties, great conversationalist,
affable. And he saw
that the beautiful Queen
and perfect Prince and Princess
were all alone, and he came
valiantly to their rescue.
Yeah, but wasn't the Queen sad because
the Step King couldn't give
her an heir to the throne?
Okay, you know what?
Now this is getting personal.
Hey, Brad, come on.
We're just doing fairy tales here.
All right. Well, the Queen wasn't sad,
just for the record. (STUTTERING)
The Step King was pretty sure
she was totally cool with it.
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm sure the Queen was thrilled. Right?
Right?
Yeah.
Honey,
what's the matter?
Are you still sad about
Dusty finding your tampon?
No. No, I mean,
this is a little embarrassing,
but it's just, I was...
Is there any chance
you still want another baby?
Oh, my God. What, did Dusty say something?
He's just trying to get in your head.
So it's not true then?
Okay. Maybe I did want another baby.
But it's not possible,
given what happened to your...
And I'm not blaming them. I love them.
They are my fuzzy little pals.
You don't have to say that.
They are.
I am 100% happy
with the family that I have.
The only reason I'm putting up with him is
because my kids are so happy to see him.
And I want them to have
a relationship with their father.
You know what?
I can't wait to see his face
when he figures out
how much you really do for his kids.
Yeah. I mean, I'm
involved. I'm emotionally available.
Yeah, you are.
You are darn right.
It's high time Dusty sees
how a real dad does it.
I am fired up!
(SIGHS)
Let's get some shut-eye.
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Hallelujah!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, dudes! Hey, T.J.!
Brad! Look what Dad did!
He finished the treehouse for you!
Hey, hey! B-man!
No, watch out, B!
(BRAD GROANING)
Hey, Brad. Sorry about that.
- You all right?
- (CONTINUES GROANING)
Brad, what do you think, man?
Wow. Pretty cool zipline.
You like that, huh? It's military grade.
You built all this today? With my tools?
Oh, no, you can't build a treehouse
with a tampon, Brad.
No, I had a little bit of help.
Yo, Dylan, PS4 is all hooked up.
- Thanks, Uncle Griff.
- No problem, buddy.
Uncle Griff?
Dude, I went out for a beer last night,
and who's tending bar but our man Griffy?
We get to talking and we just click.
You know what I mean?
He's a great dude, man. He really is.
I know how you feel about him,
but just give him a chance.
All right? He's having
a tough time at home,
and your firing him sure didn't help.
Well, I fired him because you made me!
- I made you?
- Yeah.
Am I in charge around here now?
Is my name on the mortgage?
Last time I checked,
you were the man of the house,
and me and Griffy were just staying here.
- He's not staying here.
- Because he's black?
No, not because of that.
Look, Griffy helped me
knock this out, all right?
So despite any prejudices
that you may or may not have...
I don't have any prejudices.
I said "may or may not."
- Well, it's may not.
- Well, that's good.
Because that's one of the ones I said.
Hey, kids, come on.
Helmets on the half-pipe.
We got to be safe around here.
Wait, half-pipe?
Look, I know it's taking up
a lot of the yard, but it's gonna make
your house the coolest place
in the neighborhood.
I got a sound system, we got
a couple Go-Pros. That's Corey
from Red Bull over there.
Hey, Corey!
You got a sponsor for my backyard?
Hey, Mr. Mayron! You want next?
Nicholas, please, it's Dusty!
And, yes, I do. Brad, watch this run.
I'm gonna dedicate this run
to my future X-Games champs,
Dylan and Megan. This is for you!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(BLOWS)
Looks like you picked
the wrong leisure activity, buddy.
(ALL CHEERING)
Thank you.
- Oh, hey, Sara.
- Hi.
Okay. Who's got next?
BRAD: I do!
Look!
(ALL GASPING)
Some cute little tricks there, Dusty.
(LAUGHS)
Really adorable.
Brad?
Hey, who'd like to see
how we used to do it
back in the empty pools of Encino,
Castaic, Irvine, Long Beach?
Santa Clarita?
Santa Cruz?
Fremont?
Honey, no, please come down.
Oh, I intend to, sister.
Come on, Brad, it hasn't been that long.
Godspeed.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (GRUNTS)
- ALL: Whoa!
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! Brad!
Oh, no, it's best not to touch him.
Wait a second.
What do you mean, don't touch him?
He's in trouble.
Look, I know he's in trouble, okay?
But if there's a problem, who
do you want to be in charge?
You?
Okay. All right, guys,
we have an emergency situation.
And what's the first thing we do? Anybody?
- You! Redhead.
- Call 911.
Close. But wrong.
First thing we do is remain calm.
Yeah, that's good advice.
The 911 operator can't understand you
if you're hysterical, okay?
So let's all take a deep breath.
In for ten...
Are you kidding me right now? Help him!
Hey, that doesn't sound calm, Sara.
Now, please, call 911
and relate to the dispatcher
- what happened calmly, okay?
- Okay, yes.
Anybody know what we do next?
Check for pulse!
Nice! My star pupil! Come on up here.
All right! Okay, two fingers on the neck,
right below the ear.
- Good. You feel a heartbeat?
- Uh-uh.
Okay, now that means that
Brad here is now clinically... Anybody?
- You, Jean Jacket!
- Dead?
Attaboy, Jean Jacket. You're a smart kid.
He is dead.
All right, so what do we do?
Come on, we're losing him here.
Give him C.P.R.?
Yes! That's my girl.
Come on up here, sweetie.
All right! All right, lock your fingers like
this and press down hard right here.
- (GRUNTING)
- Oh, great job, sweetheart.
Dusty, hurry!
Okay, I'm going to go ahead
and take this one.
Okay? Watch closely now.
If you do your
chest compressions properly,
it shouldn't take long. Clear out, guys.
(WHIRRING)
(GASPING)
- I got him! I got him!
- (COUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING)
My dad can bring people
back from the dead!
(GROANING)
Mr. Whitaker's a zombie!
(MUTTERING)
Look, I'm okay, really.
I just got a little jolt.
You got a little killed
is what you got, Brad.
We thought we lost you.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I just got tired of being
the lame stepdad.
All the kids think he's Superman.
Well, now you know how I felt.
I always had to be the bad guy mom,
giving out the carrots
and the punishments,
and he would breeze in
from God only knows where
and get to be the cool, fun dad.
Honey. Look. (SIGHS)
I'll talk to him, okay?
I'll tell him to get his stuff
and get over to the Red Roof Inn. Pronto.
Great.
(TV PLAYING)
Wait. Prince Hans is actually the bad guy?
Man, I didn't see that coming at all.
He seemed like he really loved Anna.
MEGAN: I hate Prince Hans.
Dusty.
- Hey, how you feeling, Sparky?
- (CHUCKLES)
Sparky. That's hilarious.
DUSTY: Brad, have you seen this movie?
It's unbelievable, man.
There's these two sisters,
one of them has ice powers.
Yeah, I'm familiar with Frozen.
Listen, Dusty, I need to talk to you now.
I can't talk now, Brad.
Just pause the movie!
Can you guys talk out there, please?
Griff, man. You gotta pause it, man.
No! I don't want to ruin the momentum.
He won't... Dude, if another song
comes on, you got to pause it. Okay?
Am I supposed to pause my emotions?
Just pause the song, man.
What's up? What's up?
What's going on, Brad?
- This shouldn't take long.
- Okay, good.
Listen, um, I just think
that you're being here...
Yeah. No problem.
...and now there's Griff here,
it's presenting some obstacles...
(SOBBING)
Stupid helmet!
Honey, what happened?
They pushed me off my bike again!
- I'm so sick of it!
- (CLATTERING)
I want them dead, Brad. All right?
I want their parents dead.
And if they don't have parents, I want
their primary caregivers dead.
Do you understand me?
- Okay, okay.
- He's okay.
Megan's upstairs playing with him.
I am so pissed about this.
Was it the fourth graders again?
Fourth graders?
What, you knew about this, Brad?
Yeah. Dylan asked to speak
specifically to me about it.
- Really?
- So, we role-played
some conflict resolution dialogue.
Are you being serious right now, Brad?
What you need to be teaching him
is some ass-beating resolution.
Damn straight. You got to
make a statement. Set a tone.
It's kind of a family matter over here.
No, Dusty and Griff are right.
Those little punks need
their butts whooped.
Hey, you got any Miracle Whip?
Yeah, it's behind the... (SIGHS)
Here. Hold on. Let me just get it for you.
Guys, I know we're upset right now,
but here's the thing.
Violence never solved anything.
Hey, check your history books, buddy.
Almost everything is solved by violence.
There are better ways.
Okay. Name one. Besides dialoguing.
- Name one?
- Name one!
- What do you mean, name one?
- You said you could
solve problems with
things other than fighting.
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
Well, you said you knew!
You act like you knew!
- Fine, yes!
- What?
Dancing! Dancing.
Did you... Did you just say dancing, Brad?
It's very popular in youth culture
to resolve conflict through dancing.
They step up to each other and get served
by crunking, or popping and locking.
They call each other out, they take turns,
and it is no less intense
than a classic street brawl.
But, at the end of the day, no one's hurt.
And it's a great aerobic workout.
He's flailing a bit,
but he has a good point.
There's a rich history
of dance battles in film.
- You got Breakin' 1...
- I didn't even think of this.
...Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.
One of the rare cases
where the sequel was better
- than the original.
- Much better.
You got Step Up, Stomp the Yard.
He makes a solid point.
Honey, are you telling us that we
should teach Dylan to dance?
(SIGHS) No, I'm just saying that
teaching him to fight isn't the answer.
Okay, but maybe teaching him
to fight back isn't so bad?
BRAD: Okay.
There we go. Perfect.
That's good, right there.
Yeah. A lot of protection.
All right, Dylan. You ready, buddy?
- I guess.
- Oh, you're ready.
Brad, Griff. You guys be
the fourth graders.
- I'll be Dylan.
- Okay.
All right. Hey, buddy, the first thing you
want to do is call out the biggest one.
Hey! What's the matter?
You too much of a pussy to take me on
without your little *****es to back you up?
Wow. Okay, yes.
That cut right through me, there.
I'm filled with inner shame right now.
Saying to myself,
"Gosh, maybe I'm not behaving
"100% the way I want to."
Right? Is that same page?
No. What the kid's gonna think
is, "Now I can beat your ass
"all on my own." But now
you only got one bully to contend with.
Now bullies always open up
with some shoving first.
- Watch. Brad, give me a little shove.
- All right.
(YELPS)
Whoa, I didn't connect there, did I?
No. It was really close, though.
See what I did, buddy?
I turned my body just enough
to let his weight bring him in,
then I came right down Broadway.
- I'm not gonna hit you.
- Oh.
- Okay, relax. Okay?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Bam!
- (ALL GASP)
It's called the element of surprise.
Then you start punking his ass!
You want some more of that, *****, huh?
You like that, *****?
All right. Do we really
need to use that word?
- No.
- Honey, yes.
Unfortunately, we do. I'm sorry.
You have to make him a *****.
It's a fundamental step in
destroying a bully's psyche.
Now stay down, *****!
Then you kick that kid right in the nuts!
Kick him in the nuts, Dylan!
Wait! I thought you were in my gang.
Yeah, but once Dylan tuned you up,
I switched sides.
What do you think happens
out there on the playground, Brad?
All right, now come on, buddy.
It's your turn. All right?
I'll be the fourth grader.
Can I just go inside already, please?
Hey, buddy come on, this is easy.
You can do this.
I said, no! I don't like this stuff.
I'll just stay away from them
from now on. Mom?
Okay, come here, buddy.
- Come on. It's all right.
- Brad.
Help me out here. Come on.
Hey, wait.
Pal, listen...
I know what it's like
to be afraid to go to school.
Okay? When I was your age,
this group of older kids
started picking on me.
I ran and I cried
underneath the bleachers.
They bothered me every day,
because they knew
I was too afraid to face them.
Until one day, I'd had enough.
And I socked Jesse Hubbard
right in the nose.
Really? And they left you alone?
Damn right they did.
Brad. (SOFTLY) That was good.
Come here, buddy.
Hey, I'm proud of you. All right?
Now, look at me. I want you to punch them
right in the Adam's apple. Okay?
I want you to shatter their throat.
Hold on, hold on.
I'm sorry. Look, I'm having
a pang of guilt right now.
Full disclosure. Some of the elements
of my story weren't exactly true.
Um, the incessant crying, 100% true.
The constant bullying, absolutely,
it all happened, but I, uh...
I've never punched anyone in my life.
I could have told you that.
- Then what did you do?
- Yeah, what did you do?
Well, nothing at all.
In fact, sixth grade was so rough,
I changed my name to Devin Lacecock.
Why the hell would you tell him that?
I pretended to be blind for an entire
school year, just to elicit empathy.
Which was great until
they found me intently watching
an episode of MASH.
In fact, it got so bad,
my parents had to refinance
our house to put me in private school.
Let's just do that.
Can I go to private school, please?
No, Dylan, we can't do that.
Want to know why?
Because ever since that day,
I've always run away from conflict.
In fact, if I had a dad like Dusty
when I was your age, maybe
he could have taught me
how to stand up for myself.
So, wait. You're saying,
if I don't stick up for myself now,
I'll grow up to be a huge wussy like you?
Um, yes. That is the basic
gist of what I'm saying. Yes.
Okay. Then let's do this.
DUSTY: Come on, buddy, you got this.
Give me something. Come on.
Faster, harder, meaner, stronger.
You're fast, you're good.
You're a winner. You're a champion.
They got to let you off the leash, baby.
We got a little pit bull here.
That was really nice, you guys. Good job.
It was really fun to watch
the two of you working together
like a couple of great co-dads.
Yeah.
Co-dads. That's...
That's good stuff.
You know what?
In that same spirit of unity,
I want to show my gratitude
for your inviting me
to stay here and share moments like these.
Oh, about that, Dusty.
When I pulled you over there, actually...
No, what you've done here
does not go unnoticed.
And I repay my debts.
Look, Sara, I know how much
you want another child.
I think I can help
put a baby in there for you.
- Oh, my God!
- What are you saying?
- I mean I got a guy.
- Dusty, please! You got a guy?
Yes, I got a guy. A fertility doctor.
He's a buddy of mine.
I trained him for his first Ironman.
All right? Dr. Francisco is the real deal.
- Dr. Emilio Francisco?
- You've heard of him?
Oh, my God, yeah.
He's been on Dr. Oz like 10 times.
Yeah, he's one of the top five reproductive
endocrinologists in the country.
See? People wait years
to get an appointment with this guy.
Do you really think he would see us?
- Whoa, whoa, hold on.
- I know he would.
If anybody can help you
have a baby, he can.
Mommy's going to have a baby?
Cool! Can we name it Griff?
Oh, thanks, D-man.
Look, you guys,
I don't know if this is a good idea.
What, you don't wanna name your baby
after a black person?
- Is that it?
- No!
You probably want to name it something
really white, like Connor or Gordon.
Harland, or Scot with one T. Or Brad.
No, no, Griff is a lovely name.
I'm just saying,
I don't think it's a good
idea to get our hopes up,
because, in the end,
odds are, I'm going to let you down.
Okay, honey, but what if I promise,
promise, promise not to get my hopes up?
We could just try, right? It can't hurt.
Okay, sure.
But you can't get your hopes up.
No. I won't, I won't! Thank you!
I feel like you've already
gotten your hopes up.
- Where are you going?
- Nowhere!
- You calling your mother?
- No!
Okay, yes, but it's about something else.
It's not about something else.
Damn it, Brad, he set you up.
He used this fancy doctor
to get your wife back on the baby train.
When those test results come back
and prove that you can't give her a baby,
guess who's gonna be waiting
there cocked and loaded?
Well, I trust my wife, so we really don't
need to keep talking about it, okay?
Let me tell you a little story, Brad.
When Jeneane, my fourth, and I
were returning from our honeymoon,
she told me that
she had a 23-year-old kid.
Brazilian boy.
Said she had him real young.
So he moves in with us.
Doesn't speak a lick of English.
There are the usual tensions.
I try to assert my authority.
"Andreas, get your feet
off the furniture."
"Andreas, you're too old
to sleep in bed with Mommy."
"Andreas, you got to stay off the 'roids."
And he'd get mad,
and hit me with a car antenna.
Eh... Maybe that's the way kids are.
No. Not really.
So I adopt him,
help him get his citizenship.
The second the papers come through,
guess what happens?
I already know.
Bam! They shack up together in Barstow.
It turns out Andreas
- is her boyfriend, Brad.
- Mmm-hmm.
I did not see it coming.
I actually did, about one,
two words into your story.
The moral of this fable is,
it's good to know when you're beaten.
- You know I think the world of you, Brad.
- Thank you.
But if I'm being completely honest,
even I'm rooting for Dusty.
He's just so damn likeable.
You know, it's getting kind of late.
Shouldn't we just get back to work?
Okay, you win.
So where are we on The Panda Jam
numbers for next summer?
London, you still on the conference call?
Dusty Mayron, you crazy hijo de puta!
- (LAUGHS) Hey, what's up, Doc?
- (EXCLAIMING)
You look great, man. You still
rocking those Ironmans, huh?
Yeah, bro.
I just finished Brazil in 11:40.
- That's unbelievable.
- Yeah. Well, come on.
Ain't nothing on you, man.
Hey, my first race,
I'm limping across the finish line
when this ******* laps me.
I mean, come on, who wins an Ironman,
then decides to go around again?
Who does that?
It sounds exhausting.
Hey, I'm Dr. Francisco. You must be Sara.
Hi. (LAUGHS)
Dusty, you were not lying
about this one. Very nice.
And you weren't lying
about this one either.
You must be Chief Glowing Sack.
What? (LAUGHS)
Hey, come on,
I'm just lighting you up, man.
Come on, little hug.
Okay, come on back, y'all.
Let's take a look.
All right. So let's run it down.
I think we can safely say that your issue
has nothing to do with X-rays.
You know what, sweetheart, come here.
Let's see that pretty little hand.
Okay. Now put it right in here.
- Oh!
- Okay, you feel that?
- Yeah.
- Okay, that is not how you want
testicles to be shaped.
Really? It feels like all the other...
Hi.
Well, it cuts off blood flow, okay?
Limits potency.
You want them to...
You know what? Actually...
- Hey, Dusty!
- Hey.
- Why is he coming in here?
- Little help in here, please.
Oh, come on. You gotta put me
through this every time?
- Come on. Be a sport.
- All right.
Oh, my God! What are you doing?
Is this even ethical?
(GASPS) James and the Giant Peach.
(GULPS)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
It's okay, I gulp every time.
You see, this... This is what you want.
Plump and bulbous.
Glassy smooth, like
two Patrick Stewarts,
you know what I mean?
Don't embarrass me in front
of Sara like this anymore, okay?
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, sorry, bro.
So, ready to milk the cow,
see if we even got a sliver of hope here?
Hey, Dusty, come on, buddy. Want to
try to break your own record?
Oh, no, I'm good.
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, come on, man.
I'm doing you a favor here.
Give me something to brag
about at the next symposium.
All right, fine. You want to break
the record, I gotta break the record.
(LAUGHS) Yeah. Kid came to play.
Should I grab a big cup, too?
What? Stop screwing around.
Come on. We're burning daylight here.
(DOOR OPENS)
(WOMEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
(SIGHS)
(ALL GASPING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hello. Quick question.
How difficult would it be
for someone to whip up
a batch of your Cinnabons?
Would you need restaurant-grade ovens?
Bradsky. Could you
pass this along to Dusty?
It's his first resids check.
Disclaimer. It's more than you make.
- Don't get worried about it.
- How much more than...
Oh, and tell him, 8:30 sharp at my house.
He doesn't need to bring anything.
All right, buddy?
I've never been to your house.
No, you haven't.
SARA: Oh, my God, my hair, it looks awful.
Doesn't Mommy's hair look pretty?
- No. Next slide, please.
- DUSTY: Oh, okay.
- Slides. Fun.
- DUSTY: Aw...
Cool. You guys climbed that?
Yuck. Why are you guys kissing
in every single picture?
Oh, Mommy used to kiss Daddy a lot.
SARA: Married people kiss a lot.
DUSTY: Ready?
Wow, China.
I loved it there.
Dylan, you were created right
there on that wall, buddy.
- Really?
- Dusty, that's enough.
- DUSTY: Okay, next slide.
- (SARA LAUGHS)
That's where your mom and I met,
doing The King and I in summer stock.
SARA: God, that costume was so tight.
(LAUGHS)
Next slide, please.
Oh, my God.
- MEGAN: Is that baby me?
- SARA: Mmm-hmm.
All right, you guys, let's,
um, get ready for bed.
- Okay?
- DUSTY: It's story time, Mayron family!
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
MEGAN: We don't have to wait
for Mr. Whitaker, do we?
I really don't like you,
but that **** is heartbreaking.
(DOOR CLOSING)
MEGAN: Yay! Griff's home!
So the King raised his mighty sword
and rained steel down upon the Step King.
But the Step King
blocked it with his shield.
And swung his cat o'nine tails
into the King's smug face.
Which the King easily brushed aside
like the feather of a gull.
And then the King did counter
with a barrage of slashes
and thrusts so fast and precise
that the Step King had no way to parry.
BOTH: Yay!
But he did. He did.
He parried all of them.
- Easily. It was no big deal.
- BOTH: Aw.
Then he grabbed the King's
sword right out of his hand
and smashed it over his knee.
BOTH: Boo!
That's when the King pulled out
a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!
Which is completely anachronistic.
So if we're doing any time period,
then the Step King just happened to be
wearing Kevlar body armor.
- Concussion grenade!
- Hand grenade.
- Rocket launcher.
- Missile launcher.
- Air strike.
- Nuclear strike.
- Black hole.
- God.
We know what this comes down to.
The Step King was very upset
because when the real King
pulled out his sword,
it was long and shiny,
and the Step King
did shudder at the size of it.
And while the Step King acknowledged
that the King carried a mighty,
beautifully engraved broadsword,
all the maidens in the land
preferred the more average-sized
Step King's sword because
it knew how to listen.
- (SCOFFS)
- And the King needs to realize
he's a guest in his castle
and he better mind his P's and Q's
because the Step King
has had it up to here
with the King's bull****!
Brad said a naughty word.
Kids, I'm so sorry you had to hear
that inappropriate language.
Make sure you tell your mother.
Brad, can I talk to you
in the hall, please?
(SIGHS)
Brad, what just happened in there, man?
(WHISPERING) Look, the Step King
should not have
used inappropriate language in front of
the Prince and Princess, he admits that.
Why are you still saying it
like that, Brad?
We're out in the hall.
I don't know. I'm upset.
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- Hold on.
Oh-ho-ho! Hello?
Yeah, Brad's here, he's doing good.
Hey, it's Dr. Francisco.
He wants us all to come in tomorrow.
9:30 work for you?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Yeah,
we'll see you then.
All right, bud. Come on, man.
The doctor will be with you in a moment.
ALL: Thank you.
(SARA GRUNTING)
Hey, Brad, whatever happens
here, I just want you to know
that I'm proud of you for doing your best.
- Okay?
- Thank you.
Hello, hello. Okay.
I'm going to cut right to the chase.
Sara, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
Oh, God. That is a tough break. I'm sorry.
Damn, that is a real shame.
My heart is melting.
Yeah, it's a real shame, Sara.
A real shame that
you're gonna have to put up
with Brad here pounding away on you
over and over,
now that he's got a fighting chance
of getting you pregnant.
- (GASPING)
- What? Oh, my God!
- Holy moly!
- Oh, my God.
Hey, Doc, Doc, don't give them
a false sense of hope.
Remember what you said about
the blood flow and the screwy 'nads?
Yeah, well, Brad has you
to thank for that, Dusty.
Okay, in lab rats,
whenever another alpha male
comes around, it can spike testosterone,
driving up sperm counts.
Now, no guarantees, okay?
But with my help, Brad,
I think you got enough left in the tank
to make it all the way to baby town.
That's so wonderful. Thank you.
- BOTH: Thank you so much.
- Of course.
- Can we give you a hug?
- Oh, yeah. Come on in.
BRAD: Oh, my gosh.
- Did not expect this.
- Mmm...
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
You virile sea snake, you.
- I underestimated you, Brad.
- Yes, you did.
I can finally give Sara everything,
and it feels good.
Now, listen, this is what you need to do.
You need to go and pee outside
the room that Dusty sleeps in.
He's gonna smell your urine and know that
your virility is not to be taken lightly.
It's good advice.
I did it last year in the lobby.
Oh, I remember. It was a health hazard.
It scared the FedEx guy.
No, I'm going to take
the high road on this one.
Okay, fine, take the high road.
But jam a baby up in there
as quickly as you can, Brad.
Because, in the end, if Sara
does choose Dusty over you,
he has to be stepdad to your baby.
- How beautiful is that?
- (LAUGHS)
Come on, five it.
No. You know, it feels strange
to high-five over the custody
of my unborn child.
I've been on Dusty's team.
I'm trying to jump over
to the winning team Brad.
- Get on this.
- I'd really rather not.
I'm trying to share a moment
with you here. Please five me.
It feels... No, thanks.
- Got it!
- Wait. No.
- Sweet.
- It didn't count.
I love you, Brad.
It's not a binding high-five.
Fat beans in there.
- Dusty?
- Brad.
What can I do for you?
Oh, wow, that's some impressive up-downs.
Look, uh,
what you did for Sara and me,
that's a life-changer, and
I just wanted to say thank you.
And I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?
Well, here's the thing.
I mean, you show up,
here's this guy who's cool and exciting.
I guess I felt a little competitive, and
slightly insecure, and I start thinking,
well, maybe you want to challenge me.
But today you proved that
all you really care about
is our family's happiness.
Oh, man.
I'm humbled.
I mean it. And you know what?
You're right. I was challenging you, Brad.
- Yeah?
- The truth?
I see this new man in my kids' life.
He's kind and caring and successful,
and I don't even want to like you.
But I can't help it. I like you, Brad.
Really?
I was determined to push you out
and get my family back.
I was underhanded
and disingenuous about it.
I feel like a monster.
No. No, no, no.
(SIGHS)
At the risk of being disrespectful,
I want you to shut your mouth.
You are allowed
to have those feelings. Okay?
Heck, we're talking about
your own children here, for cripes' sake.
Clean slate?
Absolutely.
Come here.
(SIGHS)
You know what's funny?
You're not even sweating,
after doing all those push-ups.
That's exemplary.
(SIGHS)
Thank you, Dusty.
Thank you, Brad.
Oh, uh...
You know, all that stuff about pushing
me out and taking over my family,
I mean, we're through all that, right?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm here to defeat you
and take back my family.
That can't change.
But now I'll follow your noble example
and do it above board.
Honestly. Like a man. Like you.
But we just hugged. You said you like me.
Oh, I do like you, Brad, very much.
It doesn't make this any easier.
You know I'm gonna have to tell Sara
what you said in here today.
Of course.
It would be irresponsible not to.
She's not gonna like it.
She's gonna want you out.
You're right about that, Brad.
What the hell are you up to?
I just told you what I'm up to.
My head is spinning right now.
Hey, you got any sweet potatoes? Or yams?
Sweet potatoes or yams?
Griff, you know we have yams, all right?
You made me buy them for you.
I wanted to respect
your house by asking you
before I got them.
I didn't want to just go grab yams.
Okay, I appreciate that.
I'm dealing with something.
- Just go get the yams.
- All right.
Here's the thing. You're right, Dusty.
Yeah. I'm not going to tell Sara.
But I'm gonna prove to you
that I'm the best.
You can eat my dust, Dusty.
Christmas already?
Why didn't anybody tell me?
It's not. It's the middle of April.
- Daddy must have done this!
- BRAD: Ho, ho, ho, ho!
No, he didn't. (LAUGHS)
- Brad.
- Ho, ho!
Claus is the name.
Santa Claus, if you please.
But this Brad you speak of called me
all the way up at the North Pole.
He said his children were so sad because
their biological father had missed so many
Christmases and birthdays
and special family holidays,
so he asked me
to come here today so that Dusty
could experience one Christmas
with his kids before he leaves again.
Probably for a long, long time.
Ho, ho, ho!
Can we open presents?
You sure can, little girl.
I think they're from Brad.
In fact, all the presents are from Brad.
Let's see if any of the
presents are from Dusty.
Nope. Not one present from Dusty.
All from Brad.
Hey, kids, let's not forget
who got you a dog. Remember?
Hey, Tumor, quit humping Mrs. Claus!
(GROWLING)
Okay, I am officially worried about you.
Don't worry, Claus hasn't forgotten you.
Huh?
- For me?
- Yeah.
(GASPS)
Oh, my God, honey, it's beautiful.
I love it.
Wait, no! No! No, no. It's too much.
(TUMOR BARKS)
Oh, no, it looks like Tumor's
given away Megan's big gift.
(SCREAMING JOYFULLY)
A pony! A pony! A pony!
I know, it's a pony!
- Ho, ho, ho!
- (CONTINUES SCREAMING)
It's a pony, Dusty! A pony!
Can we name her Princess Elsa?
You can name him whatever you want,
because it's yours!
Brad, how can we afford a pony?
Where are we even going to put that thing?
I can clear out some stable
space in the garage.
Look, it's only half a horse.
Okay? Think of it like
a big dog, only a lot better.
Oh, what's this? What the heck?
It's tickets to tonight's
NBA playoff game...
- What?
- ...against Dylan's favorite team,
the Los Angeles Lakers?
Oh, thanks, Brad! You're the coolest!
I love you, Brad!
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Merry Christmas, Whitaker family!
GRIFF: Christmas?
How long was I asleep for?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
- You guys got enough candy?
- Yeah!
Remember, you can have anything
you want, 'cause it's Christmas!
No, it isn't. It's not Christmas, kids.
- BRAD: All right. Here we are.
- Oh, sick! We're this close?
Yeah. Pretty good, right?
Megan, you sit down right there.
Perfect. Dylan, you sit next to me.
And, Dusty, I'm so sorry. Yeah.
I could only get four in a row.
I couldn't get five.
So you're across the aisle,
next to that gentleman.
All right, guys, I'll be right here.
- We can still chat.
- Bye, Daddy.
Look, there's Kobe! It's him!
He's right there.
Thank you, Brad, this is the best present
I've ever gotten.
- You are so welcome.
- In my whole life.
I'm glad to hear it's the
best present you've ever got!
How much did these seats cost?
Not too much.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give a big welcome
to all the kids from Hearts of Courage.
Whoo! Hearts of Courage kids!
Proud of you, you're all miracles!
Whoo! I love kids!
All right, honey. That's plenty.
I just get excited
when I'm with my family!
Dusty! Dusty Mayron!
- Marco? Hey!
- (MARCO LAUGHS)
What's up, man? Are you coaching now?
Yeah, I'm the new strength
and conditioning coach.
- Oh, man.
- Check you out.
Hey, I played ball with him in Italy.
This is my family. My little guy, Dylan.
He's the biggest Kobe fan in the world.
Really? Well, come on down.
I'll introduce you.
- What?
- What? You hear that?
You want to meet Kobe?
MARCO: Bring the whole family down.
You guys can sit with the team.
Hey, this is my little girl, Megan.
She just invited me to her first
Daddy-Daughter Dance.
- So sweet.
- What did he just say?
What the hell did he just say?
Oh, sorry. He's okay.
No, I'm not okay. He's not okay.
- Honey, you need to calm down.
- No! I'm not gonna calm down.
She asked me first!
And now she's asking him?
No. It's not fair.
You know what, actually, it's very fair.
Okay? She has two dads.
She wants you both there.
You just have to accept that.
No, I'm not going to accept it. All right?
I do pick-up! I do drop-off!
Okay, I volunteer at school!
I listen to the tantrums and the crying
and the soundtrack of Frozen
that's on a goddamn loop all the time!
And he just waltzes in for a few days,
and now he gets to go as well? No!
No, she's got to choose.
It's either me or him!
- Megan, you got to choose!
- (SARA SHUSHING)
- You got to choose!
- SARA: Hey!
It's the biggest decision of your life!
Hey!
You know what? I'm going to pretend
you're not acting like a crazy person,
because I know you're very upset.
But you need to get over yourself. Okay?
Now go down there and
be happy with your kids.
No! A scalper gouged me 18 grand
for these seats. I'm not leaving them!
What?
- (STAMMERING)
- What did you just say?
Yeah. Nothing. Let's just... You're right.
(SIGHS) I'm so much more relaxed now.
Thank you.
Yeah. Let's just go down... Let's just...
No!
I think you should sit
in your $18,000 seats,
and think of all the better ways
your family could have used that money.
Sara.
The guy from the nuclear sub thing?
- Mayron! That's him.
- That's the guy?
Can I get some beers down here?
Can I get five beers?
Excuse me, some beers!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHEERING)
THE WHIP: What's up, everybody?
Let's make some noise!
Whoo-hoo!
Tonight, one lucky fan is going to
get a chance to shoot from half court
to win a family vacation to Disney World!
(ALL CHEERING)
And our lucky fan is sitting in
section 113,
row 6,
C-1. Where is he?
Let's see it. Where is he?
It's me. It's me, I win!
- There he is.
- I win.
I'm-a make it to Disneyland.
I'm-a make it all right.
- All right, Brad!
- Yay, Brad!
Yay, Brad!
All right, sir, how you doing?
What's your name?
First off, I love my kids.
He loves his kids! Let's give it up!
And if anyone was ever
to do anything to them,
- I would hurt them.
- Okay.
I would freakin' hurt them!
THE WHIP: Okay.
This guy over here is trying to take them!
Trying to steal my family.
He doesn't sweat!
Okay, you know what?
Why don't we just shoot...
But I got news for you, buddy!
Last night, while you were sleeping,
I made love to our wife!
- Okay.
- My wife!
BRAD: Sara, right over there!
Took my wiener out of my pants!
This is a family event, okay?
- Boo! Boo!
- All right.
So,
even if Sara does pick you,
you're going to have to be
the stepdad to my kid!
You see how you like it! Okay?
THE WHIP: Let's get somebody else
down here, all right? Somebody else...
Somebody else is going to win
a family trip!
Give me that ball, you.
This one's for Dylan and Megan
and Sara and Dylan.
Nothing but net.
THE WHIP: All right, he's going for it!
Nothing but net!
(GRUNTS)
- (GROANING)
- (ALL GASPING)
Do-over!
- That's a do-over!
- No do-over. No.
It's a do-over!
- (GROANS)
- (ALL GASPING)
(BRAD THUDDING)
(ALL APPLAUDING)
THE WHIP: I'm so sorry
you had to see that. I'm so sorry.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
SARA: Hey, kids, why don't you go inside
and put on your pajamas?
- What are you doing?
- I'm comforting you.
Sara, look... Sorry, too soon. I know.
But I just want you to know
that I'm here for you and the kids.
Oh, really? You want to be
a real parent now? Is that what this is?
Absolutely. I'm here now.
Dusty, I'm working crazy hours this week.
With Brad gone, the kids
are gonna have to be dropped off,
picked up, taken to swimming lessons.
Dylan has a play date with Eli on Tuesday,
and Megan has a dentist
appointment on Friday.
Sara, I know in the past
I've been unreliable,
but this is a new me. All right?
This is the new Dusty.
Well, you can't take them
to school on a motorcycle.
- You need a car.
- Done.
Okay.
Hey! You're not staying here!
Are you sure you don't need
company right now?
I mean, you're going through
a tough transition here.
Be here at 6:30 tomorrow morning.
Well, can I at least
come in and get my stuff?
No!
DUSTY: I'm gonna wait for a while,
in case you change your mind.
(SIGHS)
Hey.
Oh...
What did you throw Griff out for?
- This place is chaotic.
- (SCOFFS)
There's always some bull****
going on in that house.
God, man. Want to go to the Red Roof Inn?
Let's do it.
Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
(MUFFLED) Yes, sir.
DORIS: Okay. No running!
All right. Lindsey! Sloane!
Car's open right down there!
Okay, sir, inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Keep it inside...
That's right! Thank you.
(CAR ENGINE REVVING)
Hi. I see you've been picking up
Megan and Dylan these past few days.
Should I expect you from now on?
Um, yeah, I'm their real dad,
so yeah, from now on.
Terrific. I see that you also haven't
signed up to volunteer in the lane.
Brad was so good about
helping us out in the lane,
in the classroom, PTA, and so forth.
We could always count on him
for bake sales, Spring Sing,
costumes for Winter Pageant.
You know the drill.
I hope I can count on you
to be the new Brad.
Ah, sure, yeah. You can count on me.
I mean, I'm their real dad,
so, yeah, I'll be here every day.
Great. So, if your kids aren't out here,
I'm gonna need you to circle around
to the back of the line. Okay?
- No, I can't go around.
- Thanks.
I came ten minutes early
so I don't have to...
If your kids aren't here,
you have to go around!
I know. There's somebody
in front of me. Okay?
Just go around!
I can't just go over the
cones! I'm boxed in here!
- Go around!
- No, you can't! Okay?
She said stay in the cone, like ice cream!
- (HONKING)
- Go around!
DORIS: Inside the cones!
Amanda has got a recital!
I have to get there! You need to go!
(HORN HONKING CONTINUES)
(REVVING ENGINE)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
- DORIS: Hey!
We always stay inside the cones!
Cones! (GRUNTING)
Cones! Come on!
(MR. HOLT SIGHING)
Have you been living here
for the last few days, Brad?
No.
Then what's with the blankets
and the hot plate
and the B.O.?
I crapped in the wastebasket.
You know, Brad, two years
into my thing with Charlene,
her first husband showed up.
Oriental fellow.
You can't say that.
You cannot say "Oriental."
His name was Yu or Wu.
It could have been Javier.
Anyway, I get off early one day,
get home, and
there he is, stark naked in our bed.
I didn't know what to think.
Really? You didn't know what to think?
Six months later,
I wake up in a Chinese prison
with a tattoo on my lower back
of a golf ball rolling towards my butthole.
I can't hear these stories anymore.
I'm sorry. I know they're
supposed to help...
Griff! What are you doing here?
Thought you should know
Dusty came by the bar earlier.
He was talking about how
he can't do the daddy thing.
I tried to talk some sense into him, but
he seemed determined to get out of town.
What, he's leaving?
I don't think I have to tell you,
but little Megan's dance is tonight,
and she's not going to have a daddy.
That's fantastic. Brad, you win.
And Dusty, because of
an act of cowardice, loses.
I mean, you're the daddy again.
Come on, hit that.
(SIGHS)
No, I'm not her daddy.
I wish more than anything I was,
but I'm not.
Yeah, you're right, Brad. A real dad
wouldn't give up on his kids so easy.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Griff!
Wait!
He's still in the room, Brad.
Oh, hey.
Sorry. I thought you stormed out.
What you said sounded like a storm-out,
and then I heard the door close.
I just thought that ****
was getting kind of personal,
so it'd be good to close the door.
So extremely thoughtful. Thank you. Yeah.
And just so you know where my head was at,
I was going to chase you
down the hallway. Right?
You'd hear my footsteps and you're like,
"Is someone after... What's going on?"
Boom! It's me, and I'm like, "Griff, hey!
"You were right."
Holy ****! That would be so uplifting.
Can we do that?
Griff, can you storm out, and Brad,
you go after him?
I don't really want any part of that.
That sounds like pure nonsense to me.
I don't want... I'd rather not.
We could just try it, you know?
No, that sounds forced and weird to try to
recreate something. Not even recreate.
It would be creating. It didn't happen.
It's over-discussed at this point.
Shouldn't you go see your kid?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.
You guys go. Brad, can I come?
No.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Daddy's not coming, is he?
Oh, honey, he'll be here. He promised.
I see cupcakes over there.
I think you should go eat some. Go on.
Go eat a lot of sugar.
(VIBRATING)
Dusty.
- Nope.
- Come on, Dusty.
Where are you going?
I'd pay a billion dollars
to take her to that dance.
- You're just gonna leave?
- You take her then.
I can't take her. Okay?
I'm not welcome after I said
I was gonna put a spite baby
in her mother.
- I guess that's out, then.
- Yeah, that is out.
- So it's gotta be you.
- (SIGHS)
I'm sorry, Brad,
I just can't do it, all right?
What do you mean, you can't do it?
I can't stay inside the cones.
Look, Dusty, the cones are
there for everyone's safety.
- It's not about the cones.
- You just said it was.
The cones are a metaphor, Brad.
I'm not the domestic type, okay?
Dusty, come on.
What are you talking about?
You're organized, you're handy.
You make the best cinnamon rolls
I have ever tasted.
Those were Cinnabons, Brad. Come on.
You can't make rolls like that
in a conventional oven.
I knew it! I knew it.
I knew it from the beginning!
So you've been telling
some tall tales, huh?
- All that Special Ops stuff.
- No, just the Cinnabons!
Why would you lie about Cinnabons?
'Cause I wanted to win. All right?
I wanted to prove that
I was a good dad, too, but I'm not.
Okay? Are you happy?
Is that what you want to hear?
All the noise and the mess
and all the choices.
You do one thing wrong,
you can screw them up for life.
- Do you realize that?
- Yeah.
Dads have to make a lot of choices, okay?
And we blow most of them.
Yeah, and the other parents.
That kid, Eli. I was over there
for a play date. You know about this?
You can't just ride your bike
over to a friend's house,
to play Hot Wheels anymore,
now you got to make some kind of date?
- I know, it's a shame.
- Well, I'm over there,
and the kid's dad keeps
asking me if Dylan's gonna be
in the gifted program with Eli.
Like Dylan isn't as smart as
his little ball-scratcher kid.
I wanted to murder that smug prick.
Dusty, look, I hate that guy, too, okay?
But his son is Dylan's best friend,
so you suck it up.
(STUTTERING) I mean, that's most of
what dads do, is take ****.
I mean, that's what we do.
I can't do it, Brad.
I can't take **** like you do.
You take **** better than
anyone I've ever met,
and I mean that as a compliment
from the bottom of my heart.
- Thank you.
- But I'm sorry, Brad. I can't.
I can't do it, man.
You made a promise to Megan,
and you're gonna keep it.
Ow!
(GROANING)
Did you just punch me in the face, Brad?
Ow, yes.
Knowing full well I got no choice
but to bust you up now?
I really wish you wouldn't.
If I did, you'd take that beatdown
for those kids, wouldn't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I would.
- Come on.
- Good luck, Dusty.
What? No, no, you gotta come.
It's just... I can't see Sara
after what I said.
Sara loves you, Brad. All right?
I know just what to say to her.
You just stand there
and look lost without her.
- I am lost without her.
- Well, that's good. Then let's go.
- But I look terrible.
- Yeah, you do. Come here.
- What are you doing?
- I'm fixing you up, man.
Dusty, get your hands out of my pants.
Calm down. Think I want to
touch your little dinky?
I'm trying to fix you up.
All right. Let me see.
Wow. I look great.
Here you go.
- That's incredible.
- Come on.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
SARA: Hey, pumpkin.
Daddy wanted to be here,
I know he did. He just gets...
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Uh-oh.
She's doing her arms-folded thing.
You said she'd smile.
Maybe even start a slow clap.
Don't worry, I got this. Okay? Come on.
Oh, hey, look, it's the guy that
stranded his kids at school.
And look who he's with.
Did you get anybody pregnant
on your way over here, Brad?
No, I didn't.
- DUSTY: Sara, listen...
- No!
- Sara, please.
- No. I am not going to listen to you.
You know what? Your daughter's been
sitting there for two hours, heartbroken.
Sara, I am so sorry...
Oh, just, please. Will one of you idiots
just ask your daughter to dance?
- Really?
- SARA: Yes.
Neither one of you deserves her, but yes.
- Go ahead, Dusty.
- No, you take the first one.
You've earned it more than I have.
Dusty, please, she's your daughter.
What the hell did I miss?
I'll tell you what. I'll vouch for you
to the kids and I'll take the first dance.
I'll say my good-byes,
and then I'll get out of your hair.
Wait, wait. When you say
"get out of your hair,"
you mean leave, like leave-leave? Tonight?
Daddy! Brad! The fourth graders are here.
They're picking on Dylan again.
That's it.
Those little ****heads are dead.
Where are they?
DUSTY: Those are the fourth graders?
- They're girls.
- Uh-huh. They're so mean.
Why are you even here at
the Daddy-Daughter Dance?
Are you a daughter? Are you a girl?
Are you too scared to take me on
without your little friends?
- Oh, no, he's calling out the big one.
- Oh-oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
Come on!
Dylan!
- (ALL GASP)
- Yes!
- Dylan, what are you doing?
- Did you see? Did you see?
I punched her in the face,
just like you taught me.
- What?
- And then I kicked her right in the nuts.
You like that, *****? Huh?
- No, no, no!
- You want some more, *****?
Sweetheart, what happened?
What's going on here?
He punched me in the face.
Then he kicked me in the swimsuit area.
Then he called me the "B" word.
Who did, him?
He did. I saw it.
He said they taught him to hit girls.
No, no. We thought
your daughter was a boy.
- What?
- No, what he means is that
Dylan told us that a fourth grader
was picking on him,
but he didn't tell us it was a girl.
Yeah, and if you had, we'd have told you
it's never okay to hit a girl.
And that she's probably only bugging you
because she likes you, buddy.
I do not like him.
Oh, I think she likes him.
Ah, gross, whatever.
She totally does.
Are you calling my daughter a whore?
- What?
- They were implying it, Jerry.
Wait. That's quite a stretch.
Mrs. Troy, please. I got this.
Wait, first of all, which one
of you two is the kid's dad?
They both are.
(GASPS)
Oh, my gosh. Wow!
I'm sorry. That's the first time
he's ever referred to me as Dad.
It's something I've wanted to hear
for a long time, so it's a bit poignant.
I tend to cry a lot
when things get emotional.
They tease me all the time.
- I'm actually the stepdad.
- Oh, is that right?
So you're the real dad, huh!
Hey. You don't want to
embarrass yourself, buddy.
You threatening me now, tough guy?
- He's threatening you, Jerry.
- Nobody's threatening anybody.
But you're gonna want to
back that up, Jerry.
And you, Squidward tie.
Quit being an instigator,
or I'm gonna have to rap you in the mouth.
(YELPS)
Hey, hey, hey. Everyone just calm down.
We're at the Daddy-Daughter Dance.
You stay out of it, all right?
You don't count!
I want to talk to the real dad here.
Hey, Brad here is more of
a real dad than any of us.
You ever want to see how you should be
raising your kids, go look at this guy.
Here I go again. What did I tell you?
- Really? You mean that?
- Yes, I do, Brad.
You're a great dad.
(ALL GASPING)
- Like that?
- You shouldn't have done that.
Yeah? Why?
I'm pretty sure he kills people for a job.
He's been rather vague with me,
but that's what I'm kind of surmising.
- Are we gonna do this?
- DUSTY: Oh, we're gonna do it.
- Okay. You ready?
- DUSTY: Yeah, I'm ready.
- This is what you get.
- MEGAN: Daddy.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Want another one? Come on in.
What's going on?
Is this like some UFC ****?
DUSTY: Come on, Brad.
That's right. It's a dance, Jerry.
Yeah. So dance, Jerry!
Yeah! You just got served, Jerry!
You just got a piping hot serving.
I'm not getting served.
You're getting served!
You don't know this about me, Jerry,
but I like to move my body.
Get it, Brad!
(ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
Yeah! Yeah, Brad!
This is a dance! Let's go!
(ALL CHEERING)
(LAUGHING)
Am I the only one with my shirt off?
You know you can't leave, right?
You want me to stay?
These guys are growing up so fast.
You don't want to miss it.
You're sweating profusely.
- I know. I sweat a lot.
- That's cool.
Thank you.
BRAD: So Dusty did stay.
And with the huge amount of money
he was making as the voice of The Panda,
he built his own new castle
right down the street.
Hey!
But we kept Tumor because he didn't
get along with Dusty's new puppy.
(WHIMPERING)
It turns out Tumor was only five...
- (TUMOR GROWLING)
- ...so we're going to have him
for a long, long time.
- BRAD: Tumor!
- (DOORBELL RINGING)
And I was more than a little surprised
when Dusty showed up one day
with his new wife
and his new stepdaughter.
This is my stepdaughter, Adriana.
- Hey, Adriana. I'm Brad.
- Want to go play?
That's your brother and sister.
You guys play nice, okay?
Hey, hon. Who's at the door?
Oh, hey, Sara. This is my wife, Karen.
Oh, is it... Your wife?
SARA: That Karen, wow, she is so great.
It turns out she's
a doctor and a celebrated
novelist. I mean...
Hon, would you...
- Come here, Griff. Come here, Griff. Oh!
- KAREN: He's so cute.
SARA: And I was so surprised when
I found out that we're the same age.
I mean, she looks so young, right?
Good for her!
Honey, you look amazing tonight.
(LAUGHS) What are you talking about?
It's just my normal clothes.
That's how I look.
I just got ready really fast.
Hey, Griff. Hey, little Griffy.
You want to come to Daddy?
What, you think I'm going to
pick his pockets or something?
- BRAD: No.
- He doesn't carry a wallet.
Oh, sweetie, be careful
with that knife, okay?
You're not my dad.
DUSTY: Brad was right.
Being a stepdad isn't always easy.
But he was also right that it's worth it.
And he was right about the Ford Flex, too.
It's a great family car.
Got plenty of room for the kids,
gear, and plenty of pickup for me.
I got the Weekender package.
A few more bells and whistles than Brad's,
but Brad doesn't need to know that.
(MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING)
(GASPS) Daddy!
Sweetie, I've been waiting for you to...
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
I heard a gulp.
DUSTY: (STAMMERS)
Well, a little bit, maybe.
- BRAD: Sure.
- There you are.
BRAD: He's a lot bigger than you.
He's got legs for arms.
Little star, guess what?
I like him. I like him a lot.
Yeah. I bet you he's
going to like us, too.
- BRAD: Remember, Loving Fence.
- DUSTY: Yeah.
BRAD: Just go say hi.
Yeah, look, I got this, buddy. Watch.
Hey. You must be Roger.
Nope.
(TUNING RADIO)
DUSTY: (SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
JASON SINCLAIR: Caught Kenny G.
At the United Center this weekend.
Man, can that guy put on a show.
20,000 people on their feet
for the entire four hours.
You're listening to Jason Sinclair.
This is The Panda.BRAD: Here's a question for you.
What do kids need more? A father or a dad?
What's the difference?
The way I see it, darn near
anyone can be a father...
(ROARING)
...but not everyone has the patience
or the devotion to be a dad.
As for me...
Anybody caught a Monarch yet?
...I've always wanted to be a dad.
Let me tell you, I love it!
Yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
And I love my Ford Flex.
It treats me to a smooth ride,
and you know what?
It didn't break the bank.
Room enough for the whole family.
Yes, I love being a dad.
And I love these two adorable
little rays of sunshine.
Hey, Dylan! Good morning.
Whatever.
BRAD: Okay. I'm not their real dad.
Good morning, Mr. Whitaker.
- I'm their stepdad.
- Good morning, Megan.
Can you please put this on the fridge?
Well, sure. Did you do
another drawing of our family?
- Uh-huh.
- Huh?
That's me and Dylan and Mommy.
So great.
And over here, far, far away,
is you.
Oh? And am I wearing a baseball cap?
That's the knife in your head
'cause I was killing you in the eye.
Oh, I see.
Well, I love how you drew my hair.
That's poop.
Well, it's well-drawn.
And I'm guessing it's dog poop?
That's homeless man poop.
Oh.
All right. (SIGHING)
BRAD: I actually can't
father my own children,
ever since I hit a little
snafu at a dental office.
(MUFFLED) I've got
a little bit of a gag reflex.
Uh, close your eyes, breathe through
your nose, you'll be fine.
Oh. Okay.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(MACHINE SQUEAKING)
(BEEPS)
Oh, you got a really weird tongue.
You need to floss better.
BRAD: Ever since then, my testicles have
been more decorative than anything else.
Hey!
And I thought I'd never have a family.
Until I met a stunning mom named Sara.
Would you look at her?
I am one lucky so-and-so.
I hit the jackpot.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry I'm taking so long.
I have to show that Sixty West
building to those new clients.
- I know.
- (GASPS)
- Oh, my God! The kids' lunches.
- Already packed. I wrote them
little inspirational notes
to start them on their day.
They've already eaten their breakfasts,
and you look perfect.
You are amazing.
Look at this, huh? Another family drawing.
Oh, no. I am so sorry.
No, I think you're misunderstanding.
This is the first drawing
where I'm not dead already.
Sure, I've got a knife in my eye
and some homeless man poop on my head,
(SIGHING)
but this is showing real progress.
I think she's starting to accept me.
You can find the good
in just about anything.
I love that about you. You know that?
Thanks.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello. I'm home.
Hey.
How was the, uh...
What's wrong?
He won't talk to me.
He said he only wants to talk to you.
You want to talk to me?
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
- You mean me and your mom?
- Mmm-mmm.
- Just me? By myself?
- Mmm-hmm.
Sure. I'm...
I'm totally free. Let's go to the den.
We'll sit there.
We'll sit.
We can do it sitting or standing?
Doesn't matter. We're just gonna do it.
We're not gonna overthink it.
Yeah. Great. Okay, good.
Just the men, yeah.
A little rap session. Great.
(WHISPERING) Oh, my God.
I just want you to know that
I'm just here to listen. All right?
No judgments, no lectures,
just a compassionate ear.
- Well, there are these kids at school...
- Mmm-hmm.
...and they're bigger than me,
because they're fourth graders.
- (SHUTTER CLICKING)
- And...
Oh, was that weird?
I'm sorry, I'm just...
It's a big moment for me,
and I'm just trying to capture it.
It just came off awkward.
So, go ahead, continue telling
your story. Fourth graders.
Anyway, there are
these fourth graders, and...
He actually confided in me.
I mean, it was that father-son feeling
I've been dying for,
and it was even better than
I thought it was gonna be.
(SIGHS) I mean, he really needed me. Me.
That is so great, honey.
He even said not to tell you.
So I'm actually totally betraying
his trust right now. (CHUCKLES)
What are we gonna do about
those little snot-nosed fourth graders?
Oh, I think it's going to be fine.
He's going to try to do some
trust falls on the playground.
Really? You think that's gonna work?
As long as they catch him. Yeah.
Hey, Brad.
Yeah?
If I ask you something,
you promise you won't cry again?
Of course, sweetie. What is it?
Well, at school,
they told us about this thing,
and it's called a Daddy-Daughter Dance.
(GASPING)
So, do you want to go with me?
(SOBBING)
You said you wouldn't cry, Brad.
I'm not. Megan, yes. A million times yes.
I thought big people
weren't supposed to cry.
I think it's sweet that he's
crying like a little *****.
(GASPS) Megan!
You are not supposed
to call people that word.
You know what? It takes a real
man to show his emotions.
(SOBBING LOUDLY)
All right, that's a bit much.
VIZZINI: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
FEZZIK: Anybody want a peanut?
(ALL LAUGHING)
BRAD: We were finally becoming a family.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- I'll get it!
After being pushed away
and treated like an outsider,
I was finally becoming
the dad that I always knew I could...
Daddy!
Hi! Where are you?
Where's Cameroon?
Is that gunfire? Cool!
MEGAN: Daddy, Daddy!
I want to talk to Daddy.
Hi, Daddy.
Good.
- So your ex is calling, huh?
- (SIGHS) Yeah.
What a treat for the kids.
It's been a long time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
We're watching a really funny
movie with Mommy and Brad.
Oh, Brad is Mommy's new husband.
Wait. He doesn't know about me?
Well, I haven't talked to him
in six months.
We've been married eight months.
Brad, Daddy wants to talk to you.
- No! No, no. Don't, don't...
- I'm just going to say hi.
You don't need to do that. Brad, don't.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you, sweetie.
Hello, Dusty?
Super to make your acquaintance.
In fact, I just wish
I could shake your hand
and offer to buy you a cold one.
- Tomorrow?
- What?
BOTH: Daddy's coming! Yay!
Oh, yeah, I guess I could pick you up.
- (WHISPERS) No.
- Hmm?
It's Whitaker.
W-H-I-T-A-K-E-R. (CHUCKLES)
No, I'm not comfortable giving you
my Social Security number over the phone.
Uh, okay, yeah, my credit score is 752.
I'm very proud of that. (CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry? What sort of fighting styles
am I proficient in?
I don't know if I've ever been
asked that before.
Hello, Dusty, hello, hello? Hmm...
I lost him.
What just happened?
Did you just invite him to come here?
Is he coming tomorrow?
Well, I didn't know
he'd accept my offer so soon.
I mean, he really jumped at it.
Remember when I said he was like Jesse
James and Mick Jagger had a baby?
Yeah, I just thought maybe
he was really skinny and
jittery, and had like a little bit
of a British accent, or something.
He's wild and he's crazy.
That's why I fell in love with him.
Then you end up with two kids.
And I'm stuck there holding the bag and
he's nowhere to be found.
It doesn't matter how much love or passion,
or you can't breathe without each other.
All of that stuff is stupid in comparison.
When you have kids,
you have responsibilities.
He doesn't understand that.
Honey, this is actually a good thing.
- (SIGHS)
- I'll welcome Dusty into our home,
and we'll establish some kind
but firm boundaries.
All right? It's what Step-By-Stepdad
calls "setting up a Loving Fence."
A Loving Fence?
Wow, that sounds really great, honey.
But your self-help books
have never met Dusty Mayron.
He sounds like a rascal, but I don't
think it's anything I can't handle.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
PANDA SINGER: Check. Check, check.
Chinese Checkers,
Czech, Czech Republic, pop,
sibilance, sibilance, pop,
one, two, six, seven,
check, check, check, check.
What do you got for me, Brad?
Oh, Mr. Holt, hello. Well, hopefully
the new voice of The Panda.
Oh, listen.
I gotta leave early today. I gotta go
pick up my wife's ex at the airport.
Jesus, kid, how'd you
draw that **** detail?
Brad, why do you want
this deadbeat in your home?
Well, it's not that I want him in my home,
it's just that the better
stepparenting books
say that the worst thing you can do
for the kids is to push out the biological.
You're in the danger zone here,
Brad, and let me tell you why.
Kids that grow up without their dads
always end up obsessing over them.
Most of the hook-ups
that I've had in my adult life
have been with women
that had daddy issues.
I don't know if this is
an appropriate story.
Look, my wife would kill me
if she knew I was telling you this.
Well, then you shouldn't tell me this.
When I met her in Denver...
You're going to tell
the story, aren't you?
...she was a topless maid.
- Ninety-nine bucks an hour.
- Mmm-hmm.
Never met her father.
But who did she meet? Me.
And who did treat her like ****? Me.
I eventually loved her,
but every time she got out of line,
I'd just pull the Humvee over
and ask her to get out politely.
And then I'd drive away.
Guess what?
She showed up at home every time.
This story has no relevance
to my situation.
Oh, it doesn't at all.
It's just a good story.
So, Pete, are we going
to hear this guy, or what?
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
I'm sorry.
Keep it up, Brad.
You and I will fight in the parking lot.
BRAD: So today is the day I'm finally
meeting the father of my children.
Am I nervous? You're darn right I am.
But who wouldn't be? (SIGHS DEEPLY)
And here's the thing.
I mean, Pepe, you know, kids...
...they see through things and,
at the end of the day,
they know who's been around...
Holy balls!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I hope that's not him.
(GULPING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
There is no doubt this man
is your better in every way.
Well, you're kind to say that. Thank you.
Yeah, I feel pretty good.
- Hey, you Dusty?
- Nope.
What?
Are you sure?
Are you Dusty... No, you're not Dusty.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(ON RADIO) You've got
Jason Sinclair on The Panda,
the station everybody
in the office can agree on.
What is this?
Now if you're up in Wolf Trap this weekend,
do yourself a favor and check out...
(DOOR OPENING)
Hey! Where have you been?
I called you like 100 times.
(SIGHS) I know, my phone died. Look...
This motorcycle, is this...
Yes. He's here.
- He's here?
- Yes.
What's he doing inside there?
He's giving the kids
all kinds of Starbursts.
Starbursts? God damn it!
Sorry. Sorry. (EXHALES)
I'm a hot habanero pepper right now.
I got a few bullet points I want to
bring up with our friend Dusty,
starting with airport etiquette,
courtesy and expectation.
MEGAN: Oh, good story, Daddy!
You like that story? It's all true. Hey!
Who wants some more Starbursts and
a couple of uncirculated silver dollars?
So you are Dusty.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I sure am. You must be
the new and improved husband.
Bring it in, big guns.
I already met you at the airport.
No, I don't recall that, friend.
Yeah, I walked right up to you
and asked if you were Dusty.
I'm pretty sure I'd remember
a heavy hitter like yourself.
(SCOFFS)
Well, must have been my mistake.
All right, that was me at the airport.
- Yeah, I know that.
- The truth is,
I saw you before you saw me,
and I'm thinking,
"This is the guy who's raising my kids?"
"And damn it if he doesn't
look like the real deal."
I mean, look at you.
You figured it out, didn't you?
You cracked the code.
(CHUCKLES) I don't know about that.
Don't play that humble game with me.
He is so humble. He's just too humble.
Honey, you got it goin' on.
Everybody says so.
Yeah, I got it goin' way on.
So you can understand
why I panicked at the airport.
- I froze, Brad. I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
Look, these are tricky waters to navigate.
They sure are, man. I mean,
that is insightful.
You know, I thought it was weird Sara
didn't tell me about you before.
I thought, what's she hiding?
And now I know.
A champion.
Hey, Brad! Did you see Dad's motorcycle?
Isn't it cool?
BRAD: It sure is.
What is that, an Indian?
Yep.
I believe they're manufactured
in Minneapolis.
I've never been, but that's the setting
for The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
And... What's the other... Rhoda.
Which I want to say was a spin-off.
Damn! You really know
your bikes, Brad. You ride?
Uh-huh. Yeah!
- Really?
- BRAD: Yeah.
I mean, not anymore. I did, you know,
back in college. I had a, um...
I had a Kawa-saki? Kawasaki Nine.
Yeah.
With the fenders and the...
The broil joint. So...
Well, you should get on her, man. Come on!
Take her out, see what she can do.
She's got a lot of power.
Oh, no, no, no.
Yeah, Brad! Brad... Please!
No. Hey, come on, kids. It's time for bed.
It's way past your bedtime.
Let's brush your teeth.
All right, come on, guys,
listen to your mom. Hey, look...
(STUTTERS) I don't want to overstep, but
it would mean the world to me
if I could tuck in our two little blessings.
Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course.
They're your kids. Tuck away.
Oh, thank you for that, Brad.
The King messed up. He messed up bad.
He thought he could just
ride off to slay dragons,
and his Queen would always be
waiting for him.
And then one day the King received word
that his dominion was being ruled over
by some curly-headed Step King
with good credit?
Oh, no!
Well, the King rode hard up on his lands,
and when he arrived,
he did gaze fondly upon the Queen,
remembering their good times together,
for he had known her in her prime,
when she was down for anything,
and I do mean anything.
Psst...
Sounds like your dad's spinning
quite a yarn. Mind if I listen in?
Oh, actually, it's getting late.
You two need to get some sack time.
BOTH: No, we want more story, please!
Hey, I'd love to be in here all night,
but let's be respectful of Brad's rules,
no matter how arbitrary they seem.
All right?
Good night, my little golden treasures.
Good night, my little magical cherubs.
- Here comes some butterfly kisses.
- (GIGGLING)
And some Eskimo kisses.
Good night, buddy.
Sleep tight. Sleep tight.
Hey, who wants good-night tickles?
- BOTH: Me!
- (DUSTY CHUCKLES)
Good night, my little breath of God.
Good night, my little Jesus teardrop.
I almost forgot, my famous
good-night back scratches.
- Oh, so relaxing, so relaxing.
- (SIGHING)
Good night, sweetie bear.
Hey, who wants twenty bucks?
- BOTH: I do! Me!
- Twenty dollars?
- What?
- Oh, yeah.
One for you, and one for you.
I don't know if that's appropriate.
Ah, don't worry about it.
BRAD: Okay. Good night.
So, uh, if you want to, why don't you
come by tomorrow after school?
Might be a good time to...
What about the cold one?
The cold one?
You promised me
a cold one and a handshake.
Cold one. One cold one, coming up.
Great. I'll grab my jacket,
we'll go outside.
Perfect. All right.
Hey! Psst...
What are you doing?
What are you guys buddies now?
No. I mean, I offered him a cold one.
I really should honor
the cold one promise.
(SIGHS) Fine. You give him a cold one,
and then you get rid of him, okay?
You put up your Loving Fence,
- remember?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Then you come to bed.
- Okay.
- Will do.
- Okay.
DUSTY: What you got going on over here?
Oh, uh, that's a treehouse. A little, uh,
bonding project for Dylan and I.
Yeah, we've been at it
for about two months.
DUSTY: It's looking good.
BRAD: Thank you.
So, Dusty, how long do you think
you're going to be in town for?
Well, Brad, the truth is,
I'm wheels-up a week from tomorrow.
Time to get out there and
kick some ass for America.
Oh, I see. So you're a soldier?
Nope.
Oh, so you're a, uh...
Yep.
Yep, what?
(CHUCKLES) You don't want to know
any more than that, Brad.
Okay.
Um, listen, Dusty, I think that we should
set up a visitation schedule.
Right? That way, you feel like
you have ample time with the children...
Why don't we cut the ****, Brad?
No, we don't have to cut the ****.
You want to know what I'm doing here,
why don't you quit looking at
whatever you wrote on your hand?
Be a man and ask me, Brad.
Okay. What are you doing here?
Now, we both know kids need
a single primary male role model.
Sara's made her choice.
I'm man enough to
let that role model be you.
I will vouch for you with my children.
I will give them my sacred
permission to trust you.
To love you and to
call you Dad.
You'd do that for me?
No.
But I will do it for them.
That is what you want, isn't it, Brad?
More than anything in the world.
He played you.
You just got so played out there.
I know it looks that way, 'cause
I promised I would ask him to leave,
and then I invited him to stay for a week,
but he didn't play me.
You know what he did? He cut the ****.
- Oh, he did?
- And I gotta say, it was refreshing.
I think more of us could stand
to just cut the ****, you know.
- Right.
- In one conversation,
he just blew by
eight chapters in my stepdad book.
I mean, this is gonna be so good
for me and the kids.
Oh, baby, you have no idea
who you're dancing with.
Dusty gets into your head,
- that's what he does.
- (WHIRRING)
(MUFFLED) He has a very impressive,
rugged bravado,
there's no question. But I gotta say,
I think in here, there's
a soft, soft creamy center.
You know? I think he feels a lot.
He just... He needs
someone with this, a big ear.
And I got them. Mmm.
Oh, good morning, Dusty.
- Hey.
- You're up and at 'em.
- (OVEN TIMER DINGS)
- Yeah, I got up early
- and did a quick 20.
- Really?
- Twenty minutes of what?
- Oh, twenty miles.
Did a little light sparring,
then I whipped up
a pan of piping-hot
cinnamon rolls for my family.
And I made one for you, too.
Wow. That's very impressive, thank you.
- DUSTY: Good morning, gang!
- Ooh, it smells yummy!
Our real dad's a super,
super-duper good cook!
- Mmm-hmm.
- Here you go, guys.
Yeah, it looks an awful lot like Cinnabon.
Well, thank you, Brad.
What a nice thing to say.
Mmm, it tastes exactly like Cinnabon!
In fact, same shape,
same swirl, same frosting.
Now you're starting to embarrass me,
but I do appreciate the compliment.
Good morning, Sar-bear!
- Morning.
- Hey, listen, guys,
Brad and I had a talk last night
about the importance of family.
And now that everyone's here,
I wanted to say a few words, okay?
I think that would be great.
Hey, kids, you know, families can be
ever-growing and changing things.
And sometimes someone new
knocks on the door of your heart
and you're not sure if you
have room in there for one more.
But there's someone here now
that I hope you guys can learn to love.
Okay?
(WHISTLING)
- Come here, boy!
- (GROWLING)
BOTH: A doggy! Yay!
You brought a dog home?
Yeah. Is that a problem?
I mean, you seemed
really into it while I was teeing it up.
No, I thought you were talking about me.
- Oh, but you're not a dog, Brad.
- No... (SCOFFS)
Look, last night, when we talked...
Oh, yeah. Well, listen,
that's got to happen organically.
Why can't it happen now?
It just can't.
You're dirty.
SARA: Dusty, how old is that thing?
I'd guess him to be around 15.
I mean, I found him this morning,
living in a storm drain.
I named him Tumor,
because of how much he grows on you.
BOTH: Mommy, can we keep Tumor, please?
Oh, I'm gonna leave this one up to Brad.
BOTH: Please, Brad! Please!
Why is he looking at me like that?
- (GROWLING)
- He's only looking at me.
Maybe we just get a puppy instead?
A puppy, Brad? What are they
going to learn from a puppy?
An old dog like Tumor here's
been out in the world, man. Living free.
Fighting for survival and seeing things
we can only dream of.
Just look at the wisdom
in those cloudy eyes.
Besides, you know what happens
to old dogs at shelters.
He's gonna have to walk the green mile
as soon as he gets there.
No, Brad, no! Don't kill our dog!
I hate you!
Okay. Okay. Fine.
He can live out his few
remaining weeks with us.
Yay! Thanks, Brad.
I don't hate you anymore.
He's going potty!
SARA: Oh, my God.
We'll clean it up. We don't mind.
Look at that.
The dog's already
teaching them responsibility.
Hey, guys, when you got to
pick up the potty, use gloves.
- He's definitely got worms in his poo.
- (BOTH GROANING IN DISGUST)
(SIGHS)
SARA: Dusty!
Can you please move this thing?
I can't get my car out of the garage.
Hey, Brad, do you mind?
I want to grab a quick shower.
Yeah, sure, no problem.
- Hey, honey.
- Hi, sweetie.
It's blocking everything.
No, I know. I know, don't worry.
We're on top of it.
What are you doing? Brad, I don't...
Hey! Stay away from that, please.
(GRUNTS)
Honey, what are you doing?
- (ENGINE REVVING)
- (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
I don't know if that's a good idea, Brad.
Dusty!
It's vibrating up into my shoulders.
Hey, it's okay, Brad.
Look, she's a lot of bike, man.
No, I'm good. Why don't you go
back in and take that shower,
so you can get a shirt on?
Oh, you got it.
Hey, you look good on that, man.
Remember, one down, four up.
Dusty, everyone knows it's one down...
- (SCREAMING)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(CRASHING)
Did Brad just die?
I think we all need to prepare ourselves
for that possibility, pumpkin. Okay?
Brad!
Brad!
- (BRAD GROANING)
- (GASPING)
Oh, my God.
- (COUGHING)
- Brad, are you all right?
No, I'm not all right.
I'm in the wall. I'm scared.
Oh, honey.
Jeez, Brad, I thought you said
you could ride.
I can ride, okay.
Would you get a shirt on?
I think if you could ride, you wouldn't
be stuck in a wall right now, Brad.
SARA:
Yeah. I'm sorry to say it, but he's right.
You almost killed the kids!
DUSTY: Let's not beat up
on Brad here. Okay?
He was showboating for the kids
a little bit, and things got out of hand.
Let's all just be grateful
nobody got hurt. Okay?
I got hurt!
Okay, kids, listen up.
This is a good lesson
on why you never wanna lie
about your ability to do things
you clearly can't do, okay, huh?
I think my arm is stuck in the wall.
DUSTY: Brad, just stay still.
I'll get you out.
No, no, no, no, no. No, don't do anything.
And would you please
just go and get a shirt on?
Just calm down, all right?
- (SARA SCREAMING)
- (GROANING)
Hey, I'm really sorry about
what happened to your car.
Yeah, and I'm sorry about
what happened to your bike.
Oh, no damage. Not a scratch.
- Oh, not even one scratch?
- Unbelievable.
(LAUGHS) That's so good.
(ROOF THUDS)
Let's keep it going! Inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Morning, Jerry.
Got to keep it inside the cones!
No, Daddy! You're supposed
to stay in the cones!
Whoa, whoa! Inside the cones!
- Inside. Bring her in. That's better.
- (SIGHS)
Let's keep those kids safe today, okay?
Thank you, Brad.
Sorry, Doris.
It's okay. This whole drop-off line thing
can be a bit overwhelming
if you're not used to it.
Yeah, well, I've landed a chopper
in the middle of a Cuban prison riot,
Brad, I think I'm good.
(BEEPING)
Bye, guys! I love you guys so much.
Have a great day, okay?
- Bye, Daddy!
- Make sure you do all your work.
Bye, guys. Have the best day.
I love you so...
BRAD: Here's the exciting thing.
We just opened up in our 68th market,
making The Panda America's
number three smooth jazz station.
Wow.
And here it is. My, uh... My little nook.
Wow. Oh, man, I gotta admit,
this is more than I expected.
Wow.
I kind of envy you, Brad.
Oh, stop it.
Ah, it's true. I mean, you're a nice guy,
making a comfortable living,
and the most fantastic woman
in the world loves you dearly.
Really? Thanks for saying that.
I mean it. And that sacrifice
she's making for you... That's true love.
Sacrifice?
Well, sure, Brad.
You know how bad
that girl wants another baby.
She wants another baby?
For her to let that slip away
and marry a man she knew to be barren,
that's true love.
How do you know that I can't...
- Bradley.
- Yes.
Caroline says we're gonna hear some
new voice talent this a.m.?
Yes, sir, in about 15 minutes.
Okay. How'd it go
- with the ****bag ex-husband?
- Uh-uh.
You whip his ass with
that Loving Fence of yours?
(LAUGHS)
Well, actually it's interesting, Mr. Holt,
because I want you to meet Dusty Mayron.
Jesus in the morning.
She was married to him first?
Okay. Let's establish some
ground rules, pretty boy.
- Airborne?
- Huh?
Well, your lapel pin.
101st, that's one hell of a division, sir.
Oh, well, thank you, Dusty.
Are you Airborne?
Oh, no, sir, I'm afraid
I don't share that honor,
but I'm humbled to be in the
presence of anyone who does.
Airborne Division? Those guys love to fly.
Very nice to meet you, sir.
Thank you, thank you.
It's good to meet you.
My pleasure. It's an honor.
Fast friends over there. (CHUCKLES)
That's wonderful.
Come on! No way!
The whole time you're running guns
for the freedom fighters
right under the cartel's noses,
and they never suspected it was you once?
Well, I'm sure they started to suspect
once they were in a ball of fire
the size of four city blocks.
(LAUGHING)
That's great. I love that!
Holy buckets, Brad!
If this guy was my wife's ex,
I'd put a bullet in my skull.
(BOTH LAUGH)
DUSTY: Come on, Leo, cut it out.
Oh, uh... Sir, I think Barry's ready.
You're really going to like this guy.
Okay. Ready to listen.
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
All right. Mmm-hmm.
- You like him, Brad?
- I do.
I do. I mean, I think his voice
has a warm dependability
that all Panda listeners could trust.
What do you think, Duster?
(BRAD LAUGHS)
Does Dusty now work for The Panda?
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm not really into smooth jazz.
I shouldn't comment.
(SCOFFS) Nobody's into smooth jazz.
I'm into smooth jazz.
Of course you are, Brad.
So what do you think, Dusty?
I mean, it just seems a little flaccid.
I think you need a voice with some
virility and hope, that tells listeners,
"Hey! Maybe the next song
won't suck as bad as the last one."
Also, I think a strong ability
to be something like...
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
What...
What just happened?
He sang the tagline.
- Good boy, Tumor!
- (CAR HONKING)
BOTH: Daddy!
DUSTY: Hey!
Oh, perfect timing. Listen to this.
DUSTY ON RADIO: One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
- Is that you?
- Yeah!
SARA: That's you?
Why is that him?
I took him to work, and 15 minutes later
he's the new voice of The Panda.
Hey, you believe that? I record
one take at 9:30 this morning,
it's already run 11 times.
Do I really get 182 bucks
every time they play that?
Yes. Every time, yes.
Ooh! Money.
You see why I love America
even more than most people do?
Hey. What's this?
Just the handyman
I hired off Angie's List.
He's upstairs fixing the damage.
Your wife had to hire a man? For what?
Some framing, a little sheetrock repair,
some masonry and basic window glazing?
Come on, Brad.
We can bang that out tonight.
Yeah.
It's just basic sheetrock glazing
and, you know, little whatamajigs.
Get up there and
get in there and crank it out.
Dusty is pretty good with his hands.
Pretty good with my hands,
Brad, she knows.
Okay. Yeah, I'll just go
up there and I'll...
- Want me to do it? I'll tell him to screw.
- No, no, no, no.
No, no, no. That's okay.
I'll tell him,
- "Guess what, bub?"
- Tell him the men are here.
I'll say that.
I'll say, "The men are here."
- Let's do it.
- I don't want to imply to him
that he's not a man. But I'll just say,
"Hey, the boys are back in town." Right?
(HAMMERING)
Oh, hi.
I'm Brad. Uh... My wife hired you.
Nice to meet you, Brad.
I just came up here to say that you...
That, um, you should have good luck.
Thank you for your wishes of luck.
I'll be downstairs.
Well? What happened?
Oh, you know, I think it's...
He already started,
and I just think it feels wrong.
Why? Because he's black?
No. No, no.
Megan! Dylan!
- What are you doing? Huh?
- Teaching moment.
Guys, what would we call Brad
if he treated someone differently
just because of the color of their skin?
- (BOTH GASP)
- Brad's being racism?
Racist, honey. Brad is a racist.
- Honey.
- No, I mean... But not on purpose.
Is Brad a Klan person?
No. (LAUGHS)
So I'm a racist if I don't fire someone?
Well, yeah, you are.
Yeah, you are.
Sir, you're taking this all wrong.
Right. So you get one look
at the color of my skin,
and all of a sudden you're
Mr. Do It Yourself, huh?
No, not at all. Please, allow me
to pay you for your time and travel.
Don't do me any favors, Paula Deen.
(SIGHS)
I'm not a woman.
You did the right thing.
Boy, it doesn't feel that way.
Let's get cracking.
Where do you keep your tools?
I know where Brad keeps his tools.
In the credenza.
- Yeah.
- You keep your tools
- in the credenza, Brad?
- In the credenza. Mmm-hmm.
Just easier to get to.
- It's convenient.
- Yeah.
(CLATTERING)
This is a tackle box, Brad.
Are we going fishing?
No. Unless you want to go fishing.
What have you got in here?
A hammer, masking tape,
three C batteries and a tampon.
Yeah, well, a tampon's handy for...
Yeah, I know what they're handy for.
So are we not going to fix it?
Well, what do you want from me, Brad?
To buy all the gear we need
would cost more
than just hiring someone
off of Angie's List.
- (GROWLING)
- (GASPS)
And the King, he thought the Step King
seemed okay at first, a little soft, maybe,
but, heck, the Queen needed a meal ticket.
But the more the King learned about him,
the more he doubted the
Step King's ability to lead.
So the King decided
there was only one way to...
Psst... Hey. Good story?
Yeah. The King finally
came back to his castle.
But the evil Step King
wouldn't give him his crown back.
Oh, okay, yeah.
I think I've heard this story before.
Ah, it's a story as old as time, Brad.
Well, you know what? It turns out
the Step King wasn't evil at all.
He was a really good guy.
Fun at parties, great conversationalist,
affable. And he saw
that the beautiful Queen
and perfect Prince and Princess
were all alone, and he came
valiantly to their rescue.
Yeah, but wasn't the Queen sad because
the Step King couldn't give
her an heir to the throne?
Okay, you know what?
Now this is getting personal.
Hey, Brad, come on.
We're just doing fairy tales here.
All right. Well, the Queen wasn't sad,
just for the record. (STUTTERING)
The Step King was pretty sure
she was totally cool with it.
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm sure the Queen was thrilled. Right?
Right?
Yeah.
Honey,
what's the matter?
Are you still sad about
Dusty finding your tampon?
No. No, I mean,
this is a little embarrassing,
but it's just, I was...
Is there any chance
you still want another baby?
Oh, my God. What, did Dusty say something?
He's just trying to get in your head.
So it's not true then?
Okay. Maybe I did want another baby.
But it's not possible,
given what happened to your...
And I'm not blaming them. I love them.
They are my fuzzy little pals.
You don't have to say that.
They are.
I am 100% happy
with the family that I have.
The only reason I'm putting up with him is
because my kids are so happy to see him.
And I want them to have
a relationship with their father.
You know what?
I can't wait to see his face
when he figures out
how much you really do for his kids.
Yeah. I mean, I'm
involved. I'm emotionally available.
Yeah, you are.
You are darn right.
It's high time Dusty sees
how a real dad does it.
I am fired up!
(SIGHS)
Let's get some shut-eye.
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Hallelujah!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, dudes! Hey, T.J.!
Brad! Look what Dad did!
He finished the treehouse for you!
Hey, hey! B-man!
No, watch out, B!
(BRAD GROANING)
Hey, Brad. Sorry about that.
- You all right?
- (CONTINUES GROANING)
Brad, what do you think, man?
Wow. Pretty cool zipline.
You like that, huh? It's military grade.
You built all this today? With my tools?
Oh, no, you can't build a treehouse
with a tampon, Brad.
No, I had a little bit of help.
Yo, Dylan, PS4 is all hooked up.
- Thanks, Uncle Griff.
- No problem, buddy.
Uncle Griff?
Dude, I went out for a beer last night,
and who's tending bar but our man Griffy?
We get to talking and we just click.
You know what I mean?
He's a great dude, man. He really is.
I know how you feel about him,
but just give him a chance.
All right? He's having
a tough time at home,
and your firing him sure didn't help.
Well, I fired him because you made me!
- I made you?
- Yeah.
Am I in charge around here now?
Is my name on the mortgage?
Last time I checked,
you were the man of the house,
and me and Griffy were just staying here.
- He's not staying here.
- Because he's black?
No, not because of that.
Look, Griffy helped me
knock this out, all right?
So despite any prejudices
that you may or may not have...
I don't have any prejudices.
I said "may or may not."
- Well, it's may not.
- Well, that's good.
Because that's one of the ones I said.
Hey, kids, come on.
Helmets on the half-pipe.
We got to be safe around here.
Wait, half-pipe?
Look, I know it's taking up
a lot of the yard, but it's gonna make
your house the coolest place
in the neighborhood.
I got a sound system, we got
a couple Go-Pros. That's Corey
from Red Bull over there.
Hey, Corey!
You got a sponsor for my backyard?
Hey, Mr. Mayron! You want next?
Nicholas, please, it's Dusty!
And, yes, I do. Brad, watch this run.
I'm gonna dedicate this run
to my future X-Games champs,
Dylan and Megan. This is for you!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(BLOWS)
Looks like you picked
the wrong leisure activity, buddy.
(ALL CHEERING)
Thank you.
- Oh, hey, Sara.
- Hi.
Okay. Who's got next?
BRAD: I do!
Look!
(ALL GASPING)
Some cute little tricks there, Dusty.
(LAUGHS)
Really adorable.
Brad?
Hey, who'd like to see
how we used to do it
back in the empty pools of Encino,
Castaic, Irvine, Long Beach?
Santa Clarita?
Santa Cruz?
Fremont?
Honey, no, please come down.
Oh, I intend to, sister.
Come on, Brad, it hasn't been that long.
Godspeed.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (GRUNTS)
- ALL: Whoa!
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! Brad!
Oh, no, it's best not to touch him.
Wait a second.
What do you mean, don't touch him?
He's in trouble.
Look, I know he's in trouble, okay?
But if there's a problem, who
do you want to be in charge?
You?
Okay. All right, guys,
we have an emergency situation.
And what's the first thing we do? Anybody?
- You! Redhead.
- Call 911.
Close. But wrong.
First thing we do is remain calm.
Yeah, that's good advice.
The 911 operator can't understand you
if you're hysterical, okay?
So let's all take a deep breath.
In for ten...
Are you kidding me right now? Help him!
Hey, that doesn't sound calm, Sara.
Now, please, call 911
and relate to the dispatcher
- what happened calmly, okay?
- Okay, yes.
Anybody know what we do next?
Check for pulse!
Nice! My star pupil! Come on up here.
All right! Okay, two fingers on the neck,
right below the ear.
- Good. You feel a heartbeat?
- Uh-uh.
Okay, now that means that
Brad here is now clinically... Anybody?
- You, Jean Jacket!
- Dead?
Attaboy, Jean Jacket. You're a smart kid.
He is dead.
All right, so what do we do?
Come on, we're losing him here.
Give him C.P.R.?
Yes! That's my girl.
Come on up here, sweetie.
All right! All right, lock your fingers like
this and press down hard right here.
- (GRUNTING)
- Oh, great job, sweetheart.
Dusty, hurry!
Okay, I'm going to go ahead
and take this one.
Okay? Watch closely now.
If you do your
chest compressions properly,
it shouldn't take long. Clear out, guys.
(WHIRRING)
(GASPING)
- I got him! I got him!
- (COUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING)
My dad can bring people
back from the dead!
(GROANING)
Mr. Whitaker's a zombie!
(MUTTERING)
Look, I'm okay, really.
I just got a little jolt.
You got a little killed
is what you got, Brad.
We thought we lost you.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I just got tired of being
the lame stepdad.
All the kids think he's Superman.
Well, now you know how I felt.
I always had to be the bad guy mom,
giving out the carrots
and the punishments,
and he would breeze in
from God only knows where
and get to be the cool, fun dad.
Honey. Look. (SIGHS)
I'll talk to him, okay?
I'll tell him to get his stuff
and get over to the Red Roof Inn. Pronto.
Great.
(TV PLAYING)
Wait. Prince Hans is actually the bad guy?
Man, I didn't see that coming at all.
He seemed like he really loved Anna.
MEGAN: I hate Prince Hans.
Dusty.
- Hey, how you feeling, Sparky?
- (CHUCKLES)
Sparky. That's hilarious.
DUSTY: Brad, have you seen this movie?
It's unbelievable, man.
There's these two sisters,
one of them has ice powers.
Yeah, I'm familiar with Frozen.
Listen, Dusty, I need to talk to you now.
I can't talk now, Brad.
Just pause the movie!
Can you guys talk out there, please?
Griff, man. You gotta pause it, man.
No! I don't want to ruin the momentum.
He won't... Dude, if another song
comes on, you got to pause it. Okay?
Am I supposed to pause my emotions?
Just pause the song, man.
What's up? What's up?
What's going on, Brad?
- This shouldn't take long.
- Okay, good.
Listen, um, I just think
that you're being here...
Yeah. No problem.
...and now there's Griff here,
it's presenting some obstacles...
(SOBBING)
Stupid helmet!
Honey, what happened?
They pushed me off my bike again!
- I'm so sick of it!
- (CLATTERING)
I want them dead, Brad. All right?
I want their parents dead.
And if they don't have parents, I want
their primary caregivers dead.
Do you understand me?
- Okay, okay.
- He's okay.
Megan's upstairs playing with him.
I am so pissed about this.
Was it the fourth graders again?
Fourth graders?
What, you knew about this, Brad?
Yeah. Dylan asked to speak
specifically to me about it.
- Really?
- So, we role-played
some conflict resolution dialogue.
Are you being serious right now, Brad?
What you need to be teaching him
is some ass-beating resolution.
Damn straight. You got to
make a statement. Set a tone.
It's kind of a family matter over here.
No, Dusty and Griff are right.
Those little punks need
their butts whooped.
Hey, you got any Miracle Whip?
Yeah, it's behind the... (SIGHS)
Here. Hold on. Let me just get it for you.
Guys, I know we're upset right now,
but here's the thing.
Violence never solved anything.
Hey, check your history books, buddy.
Almost everything is solved by violence.
There are better ways.
Okay. Name one. Besides dialoguing.
- Name one?
- Name one!
- What do you mean, name one?
- You said you could
solve problems with
things other than fighting.
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
Well, you said you knew!
You act like you knew!
- Fine, yes!
- What?
Dancing! Dancing.
Did you... Did you just say dancing, Brad?
It's very popular in youth culture
to resolve conflict through dancing.
They step up to each other and get served
by crunking, or popping and locking.
They call each other out, they take turns,
and it is no less intense
than a classic street brawl.
But, at the end of the day, no one's hurt.
And it's a great aerobic workout.
He's flailing a bit,
but he has a good point.
There's a rich history
of dance battles in film.
- You got Breakin' 1...
- I didn't even think of this.
...Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.
One of the rare cases
where the sequel was better
- than the original.
- Much better.
You got Step Up, Stomp the Yard.
He makes a solid point.
Honey, are you telling us that we
should teach Dylan to dance?
(SIGHS) No, I'm just saying that
teaching him to fight isn't the answer.
Okay, but maybe teaching him
to fight back isn't so bad?
BRAD: Okay.
There we go. Perfect.
That's good, right there.
Yeah. A lot of protection.
All right, Dylan. You ready, buddy?
- I guess.
- Oh, you're ready.
Brad, Griff. You guys be
the fourth graders.
- I'll be Dylan.
- Okay.
All right. Hey, buddy, the first thing you
want to do is call out the biggest one.
Hey! What's the matter?
You too much of a pussy to take me on
without your little *****es to back you up?
Wow. Okay, yes.
That cut right through me, there.
I'm filled with inner shame right now.
Saying to myself,
"Gosh, maybe I'm not behaving
"100% the way I want to."
Right? Is that same page?
No. What the kid's gonna think
is, "Now I can beat your ass
"all on my own." But now
you only got one bully to contend with.
Now bullies always open up
with some shoving first.
- Watch. Brad, give me a little shove.
- All right.
(YELPS)
Whoa, I didn't connect there, did I?
No. It was really close, though.
See what I did, buddy?
I turned my body just enough
to let his weight bring him in,
then I came right down Broadway.
- I'm not gonna hit you.
- Oh.
- Okay, relax. Okay?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Bam!
- (ALL GASP)
It's called the element of surprise.
Then you start punking his ass!
You want some more of that, *****, huh?
You like that, *****?
All right. Do we really
need to use that word?
- No.
- Honey, yes.
Unfortunately, we do. I'm sorry.
You have to make him a *****.
It's a fundamental step in
destroying a bully's psyche.
Now stay down, *****!
Then you kick that kid right in the nuts!
Kick him in the nuts, Dylan!
Wait! I thought you were in my gang.
Yeah, but once Dylan tuned you up,
I switched sides.
What do you think happens
out there on the playground, Brad?
All right, now come on, buddy.
It's your turn. All right?
I'll be the fourth grader.
Can I just go inside already, please?
Hey, buddy come on, this is easy.
You can do this.
I said, no! I don't like this stuff.
I'll just stay away from them
from now on. Mom?
Okay, come here, buddy.
- Come on. It's all right.
- Brad.
Help me out here. Come on.
Hey, wait.
Pal, listen...
I know what it's like
to be afraid to go to school.
Okay? When I was your age,
this group of older kids
started picking on me.
I ran and I cried
underneath the bleachers.
They bothered me every day,
because they knew
I was too afraid to face them.
Until one day, I'd had enough.
And I socked Jesse Hubbard
right in the nose.
Really? And they left you alone?
Damn right they did.
Brad. (SOFTLY) That was good.
Come here, buddy.
Hey, I'm proud of you. All right?
Now, look at me. I want you to punch them
right in the Adam's apple. Okay?
I want you to shatter their throat.
Hold on, hold on.
I'm sorry. Look, I'm having
a pang of guilt right now.
Full disclosure. Some of the elements
of my story weren't exactly true.
Um, the incessant crying, 100% true.
The constant bullying, absolutely,
it all happened, but I, uh...
I've never punched anyone in my life.
I could have told you that.
- Then what did you do?
- Yeah, what did you do?
Well, nothing at all.
In fact, sixth grade was so rough,
I changed my name to Devin Lacecock.
Why the hell would you tell him that?
I pretended to be blind for an entire
school year, just to elicit empathy.
Which was great until
they found me intently watching
an episode of MASH.
In fact, it got so bad,
my parents had to refinance
our house to put me in private school.
Let's just do that.
Can I go to private school, please?
No, Dylan, we can't do that.
Want to know why?
Because ever since that day,
I've always run away from conflict.
In fact, if I had a dad like Dusty
when I was your age, maybe
he could have taught me
how to stand up for myself.
So, wait. You're saying,
if I don't stick up for myself now,
I'll grow up to be a huge wussy like you?
Um, yes. That is the basic
gist of what I'm saying. Yes.
Okay. Then let's do this.
DUSTY: Come on, buddy, you got this.
Give me something. Come on.
Faster, harder, meaner, stronger.
You're fast, you're good.
You're a winner. You're a champion.
They got to let you off the leash, baby.
We got a little pit bull here.
That was really nice, you guys. Good job.
It was really fun to watch
the two of you working together
like a couple of great co-dads.
Yeah.
Co-dads. That's...
That's good stuff.
You know what?
In that same spirit of unity,
I want to show my gratitude
for your inviting me
to stay here and share moments like these.
Oh, about that, Dusty.
When I pulled you over there, actually...
No, what you've done here
does not go unnoticed.
And I repay my debts.
Look, Sara, I know how much
you want another child.
I think I can help
put a baby in there for you.
- Oh, my God!
- What are you saying?
- I mean I got a guy.
- Dusty, please! You got a guy?
Yes, I got a guy. A fertility doctor.
He's a buddy of mine.
I trained him for his first Ironman.
All right? Dr. Francisco is the real deal.
- Dr. Emilio Francisco?
- You've heard of him?
Oh, my God, yeah.
He's been on Dr. Oz like 10 times.
Yeah, he's one of the top five reproductive
endocrinologists in the country.
See? People wait years
to get an appointment with this guy.
Do you really think he would see us?
- Whoa, whoa, hold on.
- I know he would.
If anybody can help you
have a baby, he can.
Mommy's going to have a baby?
Cool! Can we name it Griff?
Oh, thanks, D-man.
Look, you guys,
I don't know if this is a good idea.
What, you don't wanna name your baby
after a black person?
- Is that it?
- No!
You probably want to name it something
really white, like Connor or Gordon.
Harland, or Scot with one T. Or Brad.
No, no, Griff is a lovely name.
I'm just saying,
I don't think it's a good
idea to get our hopes up,
because, in the end,
odds are, I'm going to let you down.
Okay, honey, but what if I promise,
promise, promise not to get my hopes up?
We could just try, right? It can't hurt.
Okay, sure.
But you can't get your hopes up.
No. I won't, I won't! Thank you!
I feel like you've already
gotten your hopes up.
- Where are you going?
- Nowhere!
- You calling your mother?
- No!
Okay, yes, but it's about something else.
It's not about something else.
Damn it, Brad, he set you up.
He used this fancy doctor
to get your wife back on the baby train.
When those test results come back
and prove that you can't give her a baby,
guess who's gonna be waiting
there cocked and loaded?
Well, I trust my wife, so we really don't
need to keep talking about it, okay?
Let me tell you a little story, Brad.
When Jeneane, my fourth, and I
were returning from our honeymoon,
she told me that
she had a 23-year-old kid.
Brazilian boy.
Said she had him real young.
So he moves in with us.
Doesn't speak a lick of English.
There are the usual tensions.
I try to assert my authority.
"Andreas, get your feet
off the furniture."
"Andreas, you're too old
to sleep in bed with Mommy."
"Andreas, you got to stay off the 'roids."
And he'd get mad,
and hit me with a car antenna.
Eh... Maybe that's the way kids are.
No. Not really.
So I adopt him,
help him get his citizenship.
The second the papers come through,
guess what happens?
I already know.
Bam! They shack up together in Barstow.
It turns out Andreas
- is her boyfriend, Brad.
- Mmm-hmm.
I did not see it coming.
I actually did, about one,
two words into your story.
The moral of this fable is,
it's good to know when you're beaten.
- You know I think the world of you, Brad.
- Thank you.
But if I'm being completely honest,
even I'm rooting for Dusty.
He's just so damn likeable.
You know, it's getting kind of late.
Shouldn't we just get back to work?
Okay, you win.
So where are we on The Panda Jam
numbers for next summer?
London, you still on the conference call?
Dusty Mayron, you crazy hijo de puta!
- (LAUGHS) Hey, what's up, Doc?
- (EXCLAIMING)
You look great, man. You still
rocking those Ironmans, huh?
Yeah, bro.
I just finished Brazil in 11:40.
- That's unbelievable.
- Yeah. Well, come on.
Ain't nothing on you, man.
Hey, my first race,
I'm limping across the finish line
when this ******* laps me.
I mean, come on, who wins an Ironman,
then decides to go around again?
Who does that?
It sounds exhausting.
Hey, I'm Dr. Francisco. You must be Sara.
Hi. (LAUGHS)
Dusty, you were not lying
about this one. Very nice.
And you weren't lying
about this one either.
You must be Chief Glowing Sack.
What? (LAUGHS)
Hey, come on,
I'm just lighting you up, man.
Come on, little hug.
Okay, come on back, y'all.
Let's take a look.
All right. So let's run it down.
I think we can safely say that your issue
has nothing to do with X-rays.
You know what, sweetheart, come here.
Let's see that pretty little hand.
Okay. Now put it right in here.
- Oh!
- Okay, you feel that?
- Yeah.
- Okay, that is not how you want
testicles to be shaped.
Really? It feels like all the other...
Hi.
Well, it cuts off blood flow, okay?
Limits potency.
You want them to...
You know what? Actually...
- Hey, Dusty!
- Hey.
- Why is he coming in here?
- Little help in here, please.
Oh, come on. You gotta put me
through this every time?
- Come on. Be a sport.
- All right.
Oh, my God! What are you doing?
Is this even ethical?
(GASPS) James and the Giant Peach.
(GULPS)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
It's okay, I gulp every time.
You see, this... This is what you want.
Plump and bulbous.
Glassy smooth, like
two Patrick Stewarts,
you know what I mean?
Don't embarrass me in front
of Sara like this anymore, okay?
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, sorry, bro.
So, ready to milk the cow,
see if we even got a sliver of hope here?
Hey, Dusty, come on, buddy. Want to
try to break your own record?
Oh, no, I'm good.
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, come on, man.
I'm doing you a favor here.
Give me something to brag
about at the next symposium.
All right, fine. You want to break
the record, I gotta break the record.
(LAUGHS) Yeah. Kid came to play.
Should I grab a big cup, too?
What? Stop screwing around.
Come on. We're burning daylight here.
(DOOR OPENS)
(WOMEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
(SIGHS)
(ALL GASPING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hello. Quick question.
How difficult would it be
for someone to whip up
a batch of your Cinnabons?
Would you need restaurant-grade ovens?
Bradsky. Could you
pass this along to Dusty?
It's his first resids check.
Disclaimer. It's more than you make.
- Don't get worried about it.
- How much more than...
Oh, and tell him, 8:30 sharp at my house.
He doesn't need to bring anything.
All right, buddy?
I've never been to your house.
No, you haven't.
SARA: Oh, my God, my hair, it looks awful.
Doesn't Mommy's hair look pretty?
- No. Next slide, please.
- DUSTY: Oh, okay.
- Slides. Fun.
- DUSTY: Aw...
Cool. You guys climbed that?
Yuck. Why are you guys kissing
in every single picture?
Oh, Mommy used to kiss Daddy a lot.
SARA: Married people kiss a lot.
DUSTY: Ready?
Wow, China.
I loved it there.
Dylan, you were created right
there on that wall, buddy.
- Really?
- Dusty, that's enough.
- DUSTY: Okay, next slide.
- (SARA LAUGHS)
That's where your mom and I met,
doing The King and I in summer stock.
SARA: God, that costume was so tight.
(LAUGHS)
Next slide, please.
Oh, my God.
- MEGAN: Is that baby me?
- SARA: Mmm-hmm.
All right, you guys, let's,
um, get ready for bed.
- Okay?
- DUSTY: It's story time, Mayron family!
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
MEGAN: We don't have to wait
for Mr. Whitaker, do we?
I really don't like you,
but that **** is heartbreaking.
(DOOR CLOSING)
MEGAN: Yay! Griff's home!
So the King raised his mighty sword
and rained steel down upon the Step King.
But the Step King
blocked it with his shield.
And swung his cat o'nine tails
into the King's smug face.
Which the King easily brushed aside
like the feather of a gull.
And then the King did counter
with a barrage of slashes
and thrusts so fast and precise
that the Step King had no way to parry.
BOTH: Yay!
But he did. He did.
He parried all of them.
- Easily. It was no big deal.
- BOTH: Aw.
Then he grabbed the King's
sword right out of his hand
and smashed it over his knee.
BOTH: Boo!
That's when the King pulled out
a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!
Which is completely anachronistic.
So if we're doing any time period,
then the Step King just happened to be
wearing Kevlar body armor.
- Concussion grenade!
- Hand grenade.
- Rocket launcher.
- Missile launcher.
- Air strike.
- Nuclear strike.
- Black hole.
- God.
We know what this comes down to.
The Step King was very upset
because when the real King
pulled out his sword,
it was long and shiny,
and the Step King
did shudder at the size of it.
And while the Step King acknowledged
that the King carried a mighty,
beautifully engraved broadsword,
all the maidens in the land
preferred the more average-sized
Step King's sword because
it knew how to listen.
- (SCOFFS)
- And the King needs to realize
he's a guest in his castle
and he better mind his P's and Q's
because the Step King
has had it up to here
with the King's bull****!
Brad said a naughty word.
Kids, I'm so sorry you had to hear
that inappropriate language.
Make sure you tell your mother.
Brad, can I talk to you
in the hall, please?
(SIGHS)
Brad, what just happened in there, man?
(WHISPERING) Look, the Step King
should not have
used inappropriate language in front of
the Prince and Princess, he admits that.
Why are you still saying it
like that, Brad?
We're out in the hall.
I don't know. I'm upset.
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- Hold on.
Oh-ho-ho! Hello?
Yeah, Brad's here, he's doing good.
Hey, it's Dr. Francisco.
He wants us all to come in tomorrow.
9:30 work for you?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Yeah,
we'll see you then.
All right, bud. Come on, man.
The doctor will be with you in a moment.
ALL: Thank you.
(SARA GRUNTING)
Hey, Brad, whatever happens
here, I just want you to know
that I'm proud of you for doing your best.
- Okay?
- Thank you.
Hello, hello. Okay.
I'm going to cut right to the chase.
Sara, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
Oh, God. That is a tough break. I'm sorry.
Damn, that is a real shame.
My heart is melting.
Yeah, it's a real shame, Sara.
A real shame that
you're gonna have to put up
with Brad here pounding away on you
over and over,
now that he's got a fighting chance
of getting you pregnant.
- (GASPING)
- What? Oh, my God!
- Holy moly!
- Oh, my God.
Hey, Doc, Doc, don't give them
a false sense of hope.
Remember what you said about
the blood flow and the screwy 'nads?
Yeah, well, Brad has you
to thank for that, Dusty.
Okay, in lab rats,
whenever another alpha male
comes around, it can spike testosterone,
driving up sperm counts.
Now, no guarantees, okay?
But with my help, Brad,
I think you got enough left in the tank
to make it all the way to baby town.
That's so wonderful. Thank you.
- BOTH: Thank you so much.
- Of course.
- Can we give you a hug?
- Oh, yeah. Come on in.
BRAD: Oh, my gosh.
- Did not expect this.
- Mmm...
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
You virile sea snake, you.
- I underestimated you, Brad.
- Yes, you did.
I can finally give Sara everything,
and it feels good.
Now, listen, this is what you need to do.
You need to go and pee outside
the room that Dusty sleeps in.
He's gonna smell your urine and know that
your virility is not to be taken lightly.
It's good advice.
I did it last year in the lobby.
Oh, I remember. It was a health hazard.
It scared the FedEx guy.
No, I'm going to take
the high road on this one.
Okay, fine, take the high road.
But jam a baby up in there
as quickly as you can, Brad.
Because, in the end, if Sara
does choose Dusty over you,
he has to be stepdad to your baby.
- How beautiful is that?
- (LAUGHS)
Come on, five it.
No. You know, it feels strange
to high-five over the custody
of my unborn child.
I've been on Dusty's team.
I'm trying to jump over
to the winning team Brad.
- Get on this.
- I'd really rather not.
I'm trying to share a moment
with you here. Please five me.
It feels... No, thanks.
- Got it!
- Wait. No.
- Sweet.
- It didn't count.
I love you, Brad.
It's not a binding high-five.
Fat beans in there.
- Dusty?
- Brad.
What can I do for you?
Oh, wow, that's some impressive up-downs.
Look, uh,
what you did for Sara and me,
that's a life-changer, and
I just wanted to say thank you.
And I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?
Well, here's the thing.
I mean, you show up,
here's this guy who's cool and exciting.
I guess I felt a little competitive, and
slightly insecure, and I start thinking,
well, maybe you want to challenge me.
But today you proved that
all you really care about
is our family's happiness.
Oh, man.
I'm humbled.
I mean it. And you know what?
You're right. I was challenging you, Brad.
- Yeah?
- The truth?
I see this new man in my kids' life.
He's kind and caring and successful,
and I don't even want to like you.
But I can't help it. I like you, Brad.
Really?
I was determined to push you out
and get my family back.
I was underhanded
and disingenuous about it.
I feel like a monster.
No. No, no, no.
(SIGHS)
At the risk of being disrespectful,
I want you to shut your mouth.
You are allowed
to have those feelings. Okay?
Heck, we're talking about
your own children here, for cripes' sake.
Clean slate?
Absolutely.
Come here.
(SIGHS)
You know what's funny?
You're not even sweating,
after doing all those push-ups.
That's exemplary.
(SIGHS)
Thank you, Dusty.
Thank you, Brad.
Oh, uh...
You know, all that stuff about pushing
me out and taking over my family,
I mean, we're through all that, right?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm here to defeat you
and take back my family.
That can't change.
But now I'll follow your noble example
and do it above board.
Honestly. Like a man. Like you.
But we just hugged. You said you like me.
Oh, I do like you, Brad, very much.
It doesn't make this any easier.
You know I'm gonna have to tell Sara
what you said in here today.
Of course.
It would be irresponsible not to.
She's not gonna like it.
She's gonna want you out.
You're right about that, Brad.
What the hell are you up to?
I just told you what I'm up to.
My head is spinning right now.
Hey, you got any sweet potatoes? Or yams?
Sweet potatoes or yams?
Griff, you know we have yams, all right?
You made me buy them for you.
I wanted to respect
your house by asking you
before I got them.
I didn't want to just go grab yams.
Okay, I appreciate that.
I'm dealing with something.
- Just go get the yams.
- All right.
Here's the thing. You're right, Dusty.
Yeah. I'm not going to tell Sara.
But I'm gonna prove to you
that I'm the best.
You can eat my dust, Dusty.
Christmas already?
Why didn't anybody tell me?
It's not. It's the middle of April.
- Daddy must have done this!
- BRAD: Ho, ho, ho, ho!
No, he didn't. (LAUGHS)
- Brad.
- Ho, ho!
Claus is the name.
Santa Claus, if you please.
But this Brad you speak of called me
all the way up at the North Pole.
He said his children were so sad because
their biological father had missed so many
Christmases and birthdays
and special family holidays,
so he asked me
to come here today so that Dusty
could experience one Christmas
with his kids before he leaves again.
Probably for a long, long time.
Ho, ho, ho!
Can we open presents?
You sure can, little girl.
I think they're from Brad.
In fact, all the presents are from Brad.
Let's see if any of the
presents are from Dusty.
Nope. Not one present from Dusty.
All from Brad.
Hey, kids, let's not forget
who got you a dog. Remember?
Hey, Tumor, quit humping Mrs. Claus!
(GROWLING)
Okay, I am officially worried about you.
Don't worry, Claus hasn't forgotten you.
Huh?
- For me?
- Yeah.
(GASPS)
Oh, my God, honey, it's beautiful.
I love it.
Wait, no! No! No, no. It's too much.
(TUMOR BARKS)
Oh, no, it looks like Tumor's
given away Megan's big gift.
(SCREAMING JOYFULLY)
A pony! A pony! A pony!
I know, it's a pony!
- Ho, ho, ho!
- (CONTINUES SCREAMING)
It's a pony, Dusty! A pony!
Can we name her Princess Elsa?
You can name him whatever you want,
because it's yours!
Brad, how can we afford a pony?
Where are we even going to put that thing?
I can clear out some stable
space in the garage.
Look, it's only half a horse.
Okay? Think of it like
a big dog, only a lot better.
Oh, what's this? What the heck?
It's tickets to tonight's
NBA playoff game...
- What?
- ...against Dylan's favorite team,
the Los Angeles Lakers?
Oh, thanks, Brad! You're the coolest!
I love you, Brad!
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Merry Christmas, Whitaker family!
GRIFF: Christmas?
How long was I asleep for?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
- You guys got enough candy?
- Yeah!
Remember, you can have anything
you want, 'cause it's Christmas!
No, it isn't. It's not Christmas, kids.
- BRAD: All right. Here we are.
- Oh, sick! We're this close?
Yeah. Pretty good, right?
Megan, you sit down right there.
Perfect. Dylan, you sit next to me.
And, Dusty, I'm so sorry. Yeah.
I could only get four in a row.
I couldn't get five.
So you're across the aisle,
next to that gentleman.
All right, guys, I'll be right here.
- We can still chat.
- Bye, Daddy.
Look, there's Kobe! It's him!
He's right there.
Thank you, Brad, this is the best present
I've ever gotten.
- You are so welcome.
- In my whole life.
I'm glad to hear it's the
best present you've ever got!
How much did these seats cost?
Not too much.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give a big welcome
to all the kids from Hearts of Courage.
Whoo! Hearts of Courage kids!
Proud of you, you're all miracles!
Whoo! I love kids!
All right, honey. That's plenty.
I just get excited
when I'm with my family!
Dusty! Dusty Mayron!
- Marco? Hey!
- (MARCO LAUGHS)
What's up, man? Are you coaching now?
Yeah, I'm the new strength
and conditioning coach.
- Oh, man.
- Check you out.
Hey, I played ball with him in Italy.
This is my family. My little guy, Dylan.
He's the biggest Kobe fan in the world.
Really? Well, come on down.
I'll introduce you.
- What?
- What? You hear that?
You want to meet Kobe?
MARCO: Bring the whole family down.
You guys can sit with the team.
Hey, this is my little girl, Megan.
She just invited me to her first
Daddy-Daughter Dance.
- So sweet.
- What did he just say?
What the hell did he just say?
Oh, sorry. He's okay.
No, I'm not okay. He's not okay.
- Honey, you need to calm down.
- No! I'm not gonna calm down.
She asked me first!
And now she's asking him?
No. It's not fair.
You know what, actually, it's very fair.
Okay? She has two dads.
She wants you both there.
You just have to accept that.
No, I'm not going to accept it. All right?
I do pick-up! I do drop-off!
Okay, I volunteer at school!
I listen to the tantrums and the crying
and the soundtrack of Frozen
that's on a goddamn loop all the time!
And he just waltzes in for a few days,
and now he gets to go as well? No!
No, she's got to choose.
It's either me or him!
- Megan, you got to choose!
- (SARA SHUSHING)
- You got to choose!
- SARA: Hey!
It's the biggest decision of your life!
Hey!
You know what? I'm going to pretend
you're not acting like a crazy person,
because I know you're very upset.
But you need to get over yourself. Okay?
Now go down there and
be happy with your kids.
No! A scalper gouged me 18 grand
for these seats. I'm not leaving them!
What?
- (STAMMERING)
- What did you just say?
Yeah. Nothing. Let's just... You're right.
(SIGHS) I'm so much more relaxed now.
Thank you.
Yeah. Let's just go down... Let's just...
No!
I think you should sit
in your $18,000 seats,
and think of all the better ways
your family could have used that money.
Sara.
The guy from the nuclear sub thing?
- Mayron! That's him.
- That's the guy?
Can I get some beers down here?
Can I get five beers?
Excuse me, some beers!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHEERING)
THE WHIP: What's up, everybody?
Let's make some noise!
Whoo-hoo!
Tonight, one lucky fan is going to
get a chance to shoot from half court
to win a family vacation to Disney World!
(ALL CHEERING)
And our lucky fan is sitting in
section 113,
row 6,
C-1. Where is he?
Let's see it. Where is he?
It's me. It's me, I win!
- There he is.
- I win.
I'm-a make it to Disneyland.
I'm-a make it all right.
- All right, Brad!
- Yay, Brad!
Yay, Brad!
All right, sir, how you doing?
What's your name?
First off, I love my kids.
He loves his kids! Let's give it up!
And if anyone was ever
to do anything to them,
- I would hurt them.
- Okay.
I would freakin' hurt them!
THE WHIP: Okay.
This guy over here is trying to take them!
Trying to steal my family.
He doesn't sweat!
Okay, you know what?
Why don't we just shoot...
But I got news for you, buddy!
Last night, while you were sleeping,
I made love to our wife!
- Okay.
- My wife!
BRAD: Sara, right over there!
Took my wiener out of my pants!
This is a family event, okay?
- Boo! Boo!
- All right.
So,
even if Sara does pick you,
you're going to have to be
the stepdad to my kid!
You see how you like it! Okay?
THE WHIP: Let's get somebody else
down here, all right? Somebody else...
Somebody else is going to win
a family trip!
Give me that ball, you.
This one's for Dylan and Megan
and Sara and Dylan.
Nothing but net.
THE WHIP: All right, he's going for it!
Nothing but net!
(GRUNTS)
- (GROANING)
- (ALL GASPING)
Do-over!
- That's a do-over!
- No do-over. No.
It's a do-over!
- (GROANS)
- (ALL GASPING)
(BRAD THUDDING)
(ALL APPLAUDING)
THE WHIP: I'm so sorry
you had to see that. I'm so sorry.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
SARA: Hey, kids, why don't you go inside
and put on your pajamas?
- What are you doing?
- I'm comforting you.
Sara, look... Sorry, too soon. I know.
But I just want you to know
that I'm here for you and the kids.
Oh, really? You want to be
a real parent now? Is that what this is?
Absolutely. I'm here now.
Dusty, I'm working crazy hours this week.
With Brad gone, the kids
are gonna have to be dropped off,
picked up, taken to swimming lessons.
Dylan has a play date with Eli on Tuesday,
and Megan has a dentist
appointment on Friday.
Sara, I know in the past
I've been unreliable,
but this is a new me. All right?
This is the new Dusty.
Well, you can't take them
to school on a motorcycle.
- You need a car.
- Done.
Okay.
Hey! You're not staying here!
Are you sure you don't need
company right now?
I mean, you're going through
a tough transition here.
Be here at 6:30 tomorrow morning.
Well, can I at least
come in and get my stuff?
No!
DUSTY: I'm gonna wait for a while,
in case you change your mind.
(SIGHS)
Hey.
Oh...
What did you throw Griff out for?
- This place is chaotic.
- (SCOFFS)
There's always some bull****
going on in that house.
God, man. Want to go to the Red Roof Inn?
Let's do it.
Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
(MUFFLED) Yes, sir.
DORIS: Okay. No running!
All right. Lindsey! Sloane!
Car's open right down there!
Okay, sir, inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Keep it inside...
That's right! Thank you.
(CAR ENGINE REVVING)
Hi. I see you've been picking up
Megan and Dylan these past few days.
Should I expect you from now on?
Um, yeah, I'm their real dad,
so yeah, from now on.
Terrific. I see that you also haven't
signed up to volunteer in the lane.
Brad was so good about
helping us out in the lane,
in the classroom, PTA, and so forth.
We could always count on him
for bake sales, Spring Sing,
costumes for Winter Pageant.
You know the drill.
I hope I can count on you
to be the new Brad.
Ah, sure, yeah. You can count on me.
I mean, I'm their real dad,
so, yeah, I'll be here every day.
Great. So, if your kids aren't out here,
I'm gonna need you to circle around
to the back of the line. Okay?
- No, I can't go around.
- Thanks.
I came ten minutes early
so I don't have to...
If your kids aren't here,
you have to go around!
I know. There's somebody
in front of me. Okay?
Just go around!
I can't just go over the
cones! I'm boxed in here!
- Go around!
- No, you can't! Okay?
She said stay in the cone, like ice cream!
- (HONKING)
- Go around!
DORIS: Inside the cones!
Amanda has got a recital!
I have to get there! You need to go!
(HORN HONKING CONTINUES)
(REVVING ENGINE)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
- DORIS: Hey!
We always stay inside the cones!
Cones! (GRUNTING)
Cones! Come on!
(MR. HOLT SIGHING)
Have you been living here
for the last few days, Brad?
No.
Then what's with the blankets
and the hot plate
and the B.O.?
I crapped in the wastebasket.
You know, Brad, two years
into my thing with Charlene,
her first husband showed up.
Oriental fellow.
You can't say that.
You cannot say "Oriental."
His name was Yu or Wu.
It could have been Javier.
Anyway, I get off early one day,
get home, and
there he is, stark naked in our bed.
I didn't know what to think.
Really? You didn't know what to think?
Six months later,
I wake up in a Chinese prison
with a tattoo on my lower back
of a golf ball rolling towards my butthole.
I can't hear these stories anymore.
I'm sorry. I know they're
supposed to help...
Griff! What are you doing here?
Thought you should know
Dusty came by the bar earlier.
He was talking about how
he can't do the daddy thing.
I tried to talk some sense into him, but
he seemed determined to get out of town.
What, he's leaving?
I don't think I have to tell you,
but little Megan's dance is tonight,
and she's not going to have a daddy.
That's fantastic. Brad, you win.
And Dusty, because of
an act of cowardice, loses.
I mean, you're the daddy again.
Come on, hit that.
(SIGHS)
No, I'm not her daddy.
I wish more than anything I was,
but I'm not.
Yeah, you're right, Brad. A real dad
wouldn't give up on his kids so easy.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Griff!
Wait!
He's still in the room, Brad.
Oh, hey.
Sorry. I thought you stormed out.
What you said sounded like a storm-out,
and then I heard the door close.
I just thought that ****
was getting kind of personal,
so it'd be good to close the door.
So extremely thoughtful. Thank you. Yeah.
And just so you know where my head was at,
I was going to chase you
down the hallway. Right?
You'd hear my footsteps and you're like,
"Is someone after... What's going on?"
Boom! It's me, and I'm like, "Griff, hey!
"You were right."
Holy ****! That would be so uplifting.
Can we do that?
Griff, can you storm out, and Brad,
you go after him?
I don't really want any part of that.
That sounds like pure nonsense to me.
I don't want... I'd rather not.
We could just try it, you know?
No, that sounds forced and weird to try to
recreate something. Not even recreate.
It would be creating. It didn't happen.
It's over-discussed at this point.
Shouldn't you go see your kid?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.
You guys go. Brad, can I come?
No.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Daddy's not coming, is he?
Oh, honey, he'll be here. He promised.
I see cupcakes over there.
I think you should go eat some. Go on.
Go eat a lot of sugar.
(VIBRATING)
Dusty.
- Nope.
- Come on, Dusty.
Where are you going?
I'd pay a billion dollars
to take her to that dance.
- You're just gonna leave?
- You take her then.
I can't take her. Okay?
I'm not welcome after I said
I was gonna put a spite baby
in her mother.
- I guess that's out, then.
- Yeah, that is out.
- So it's gotta be you.
- (SIGHS)
I'm sorry, Brad,
I just can't do it, all right?
What do you mean, you can't do it?
I can't stay inside the cones.
Look, Dusty, the cones are
there for everyone's safety.
- It's not about the cones.
- You just said it was.
The cones are a metaphor, Brad.
I'm not the domestic type, okay?
Dusty, come on.
What are you talking about?
You're organized, you're handy.
You make the best cinnamon rolls
I have ever tasted.
Those were Cinnabons, Brad. Come on.
You can't make rolls like that
in a conventional oven.
I knew it! I knew it.
I knew it from the beginning!
So you've been telling
some tall tales, huh?
- All that Special Ops stuff.
- No, just the Cinnabons!
Why would you lie about Cinnabons?
'Cause I wanted to win. All right?
I wanted to prove that
I was a good dad, too, but I'm not.
Okay? Are you happy?
Is that what you want to hear?
All the noise and the mess
and all the choices.
You do one thing wrong,
you can screw them up for life.
- Do you realize that?
- Yeah.
Dads have to make a lot of choices, okay?
And we blow most of them.
Yeah, and the other parents.
That kid, Eli. I was over there
for a play date. You know about this?
You can't just ride your bike
over to a friend's house,
to play Hot Wheels anymore,
now you got to make some kind of date?
- I know, it's a shame.
- Well, I'm over there,
and the kid's dad keeps
asking me if Dylan's gonna be
in the gifted program with Eli.
Like Dylan isn't as smart as
his little ball-scratcher kid.
I wanted to murder that smug prick.
Dusty, look, I hate that guy, too, okay?
But his son is Dylan's best friend,
so you suck it up.
(STUTTERING) I mean, that's most of
what dads do, is take ****.
I mean, that's what we do.
I can't do it, Brad.
I can't take **** like you do.
You take **** better than
anyone I've ever met,
and I mean that as a compliment
from the bottom of my heart.
- Thank you.
- But I'm sorry, Brad. I can't.
I can't do it, man.
You made a promise to Megan,
and you're gonna keep it.
Ow!
(GROANING)
Did you just punch me in the face, Brad?
Ow, yes.
Knowing full well I got no choice
but to bust you up now?
I really wish you wouldn't.
If I did, you'd take that beatdown
for those kids, wouldn't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I would.
- Come on.
- Good luck, Dusty.
What? No, no, you gotta come.
It's just... I can't see Sara
after what I said.
Sara loves you, Brad. All right?
I know just what to say to her.
You just stand there
and look lost without her.
- I am lost without her.
- Well, that's good. Then let's go.
- But I look terrible.
- Yeah, you do. Come here.
- What are you doing?
- I'm fixing you up, man.
Dusty, get your hands out of my pants.
Calm down. Think I want to
touch your little dinky?
I'm trying to fix you up.
All right. Let me see.
Wow. I look great.
Here you go.
- That's incredible.
- Come on.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
SARA: Hey, pumpkin.
Daddy wanted to be here,
I know he did. He just gets...
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Uh-oh.
She's doing her arms-folded thing.
You said she'd smile.
Maybe even start a slow clap.
Don't worry, I got this. Okay? Come on.
Oh, hey, look, it's the guy that
stranded his kids at school.
And look who he's with.
Did you get anybody pregnant
on your way over here, Brad?
No, I didn't.
- DUSTY: Sara, listen...
- No!
- Sara, please.
- No. I am not going to listen to you.
You know what? Your daughter's been
sitting there for two hours, heartbroken.
Sara, I am so sorry...
Oh, just, please. Will one of you idiots
just ask your daughter to dance?
- Really?
- SARA: Yes.
Neither one of you deserves her, but yes.
- Go ahead, Dusty.
- No, you take the first one.
You've earned it more than I have.
Dusty, please, she's your daughter.
What the hell did I miss?
I'll tell you what. I'll vouch for you
to the kids and I'll take the first dance.
I'll say my good-byes,
and then I'll get out of your hair.
Wait, wait. When you say
"get out of your hair,"
you mean leave, like leave-leave? Tonight?
Daddy! Brad! The fourth graders are here.
They're picking on Dylan again.
That's it.
Those little ****heads are dead.
Where are they?
DUSTY: Those are the fourth graders?
- They're girls.
- Uh-huh. They're so mean.
Why are you even here at
the Daddy-Daughter Dance?
Are you a daughter? Are you a girl?
Are you too scared to take me on
without your little friends?
- Oh, no, he's calling out the big one.
- Oh-oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
Come on!
Dylan!
- (ALL GASP)
- Yes!
- Dylan, what are you doing?
- Did you see? Did you see?
I punched her in the face,
just like you taught me.
- What?
- And then I kicked her right in the nuts.
You like that, *****? Huh?
- No, no, no!
- You want some more, *****?
Sweetheart, what happened?
What's going on here?
He punched me in the face.
Then he kicked me in the swimsuit area.
Then he called me the "B" word.
Who did, him?
He did. I saw it.
He said they taught him to hit girls.
No, no. We thought
your daughter was a boy.
- What?
- No, what he means is that
Dylan told us that a fourth grader
was picking on him,
but he didn't tell us it was a girl.
Yeah, and if you had, we'd have told you
it's never okay to hit a girl.
And that she's probably only bugging you
because she likes you, buddy.
I do not like him.
Oh, I think she likes him.
Ah, gross, whatever.
She totally does.
Are you calling my daughter a whore?
- What?
- They were implying it, Jerry.
Wait. That's quite a stretch.
Mrs. Troy, please. I got this.
Wait, first of all, which one
of you two is the kid's dad?
They both are.
(GASPS)
Oh, my gosh. Wow!
I'm sorry. That's the first time
he's ever referred to me as Dad.
It's something I've wanted to hear
for a long time, so it's a bit poignant.
I tend to cry a lot
when things get emotional.
They tease me all the time.
- I'm actually the stepdad.
- Oh, is that right?
So you're the real dad, huh!
Hey. You don't want to
embarrass yourself, buddy.
You threatening me now, tough guy?
- He's threatening you, Jerry.
- Nobody's threatening anybody.
But you're gonna want to
back that up, Jerry.
And you, Squidward tie.
Quit being an instigator,
or I'm gonna have to rap you in the mouth.
(YELPS)
Hey, hey, hey. Everyone just calm down.
We're at the Daddy-Daughter Dance.
You stay out of it, all right?
You don't count!
I want to talk to the real dad here.
Hey, Brad here is more of
a real dad than any of us.
You ever want to see how you should be
raising your kids, go look at this guy.
Here I go again. What did I tell you?
- Really? You mean that?
- Yes, I do, Brad.
You're a great dad.
(ALL GASPING)
- Like that?
- You shouldn't have done that.
Yeah? Why?
I'm pretty sure he kills people for a job.
He's been rather vague with me,
but that's what I'm kind of surmising.
- Are we gonna do this?
- DUSTY: Oh, we're gonna do it.
- Okay. You ready?
- DUSTY: Yeah, I'm ready.
- This is what you get.
- MEGAN: Daddy.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Want another one? Come on in.
What's going on?
Is this like some UFC ****?
DUSTY: Come on, Brad.
That's right. It's a dance, Jerry.
Yeah. So dance, Jerry!
Yeah! You just got served, Jerry!
You just got a piping hot serving.
I'm not getting served.
You're getting served!
You don't know this about me, Jerry,
but I like to move my body.
Get it, Brad!
(ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
Yeah! Yeah, Brad!
This is a dance! Let's go!
(ALL CHEERING)
(LAUGHING)
Am I the only one with my shirt off?
You know you can't leave, right?
You want me to stay?
These guys are growing up so fast.
You don't want to miss it.
You're sweating profusely.
- I know. I sweat a lot.
- That's cool.
Thank you.
BRAD: So Dusty did stay.
And with the huge amount of money
he was making as the voice of The Panda,
he built his own new castle
right down the street.
Hey!
But we kept Tumor because he didn't
get along with Dusty's new puppy.
(WHIMPERING)
It turns out Tumor was only five...
- (TUMOR GROWLING)
- ...so we're going to have him
for a long, long time.
- BRAD: Tumor!
- (DOORBELL RINGING)
And I was more than a little surprised
when Dusty showed up one day
with his new wife
and his new stepdaughter.
This is my stepdaughter, Adriana.
- Hey, Adriana. I'm Brad.
- Want to go play?
That's your brother and sister.
You guys play nice, okay?
Hey, hon. Who's at the door?
Oh, hey, Sara. This is my wife, Karen.
Oh, is it... Your wife?
SARA: That Karen, wow, she is so great.
It turns out she's
a doctor and a celebrated
novelist. I mean...
Hon, would you...
- Come here, Griff. Come here, Griff. Oh!
- KAREN: He's so cute.
SARA: And I was so surprised when
I found out that we're the same age.
I mean, she looks so young, right?
Good for her!
Honey, you look amazing tonight.
(LAUGHS) What are you talking about?
It's just my normal clothes.
That's how I look.
I just got ready really fast.
Hey, Griff. Hey, little Griffy.
You want to come to Daddy?
What, you think I'm going to
pick his pockets or something?
- BRAD: No.
- He doesn't carry a wallet.
Oh, sweetie, be careful
with that knife, okay?
You're not my dad.
DUSTY: Brad was right.
Being a stepdad isn't always easy.
But he was also right that it's worth it.
And he was right about the Ford Flex, too.
It's a great family car.
Got plenty of room for the kids,
gear, and plenty of pickup for me.
I got the Weekender package.
A few more bells and whistles than Brad's,
but Brad doesn't need to know that.
(MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING)
(GASPS) Daddy!
Sweetie, I've been waiting for you to...
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
I heard a gulp.
DUSTY: (STAMMERS)
Well, a little bit, maybe.
- BRAD: Sure.
- There you are.
BRAD: He's a lot bigger than you.
He's got legs for arms.
Little star, guess what?
I like him. I like him a lot.
Yeah. I bet you he's
going to like us, too.
- BRAD: Remember, Loving Fence.
- DUSTY: Yeah.
BRAD: Just go say hi.
Yeah, look, I got this, buddy. Watch.
Hey. You must be Roger.
Nope.
(TUNING RADIO)
DUSTY: (SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
JASON SINCLAIR: Caught Kenny G.
At the United Center this weekend.
Man, can that guy put on a show.
20,000 people on their feet
for the entire four hours.
You're listening to Jason Sinclair.
This is The Panda.BRAD: Here's a question for you.
What do kids need more? A father or a dad?
What's the difference?
The way I see it, darn near
anyone can be a father...
(ROARING)
...but not everyone has the patience
or the devotion to be a dad.
As for me...
Anybody caught a Monarch yet?
...I've always wanted to be a dad.
Let me tell you, I love it!
Yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
And I love my Ford Flex.
It treats me to a smooth ride,
and you know what?
It didn't break the bank.
Room enough for the whole family.
Yes, I love being a dad.
And I love these two adorable
little rays of sunshine.
Hey, Dylan! Good morning.
Whatever.
BRAD: Okay. I'm not their real dad.
Good morning, Mr. Whitaker.
- I'm their stepdad.
- Good morning, Megan.
Can you please put this on the fridge?
Well, sure. Did you do
another drawing of our family?
- Uh-huh.
- Huh?
That's me and Dylan and Mommy.
So great.
And over here, far, far away,
is you.
Oh? And am I wearing a baseball cap?
That's the knife in your head
'cause I was killing you in the eye.
Oh, I see.
Well, I love how you drew my hair.
That's poop.
Well, it's well-drawn.
And I'm guessing it's dog poop?
That's homeless man poop.
Oh.
All right. (SIGHING)
BRAD: I actually can't
father my own children,
ever since I hit a little
snafu at a dental office.
(MUFFLED) I've got
a little bit of a gag reflex.
Uh, close your eyes, breathe through
your nose, you'll be fine.
Oh. Okay.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(MACHINE SQUEAKING)
(BEEPS)
Oh, you got a really weird tongue.
You need to floss better.
BRAD: Ever since then, my testicles have
been more decorative than anything else.
Hey!
And I thought I'd never have a family.
Until I met a stunning mom named Sara.
Would you look at her?
I am one lucky so-and-so.
I hit the jackpot.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry I'm taking so long.
I have to show that Sixty West
building to those new clients.
- I know.
- (GASPS)
- Oh, my God! The kids' lunches.
- Already packed. I wrote them
little inspirational notes
to start them on their day.
They've already eaten their breakfasts,
and you look perfect.
You are amazing.
Look at this, huh? Another family drawing.
Oh, no. I am so sorry.
No, I think you're misunderstanding.
This is the first drawing
where I'm not dead already.
Sure, I've got a knife in my eye
and some homeless man poop on my head,
(SIGHING)
but this is showing real progress.
I think she's starting to accept me.
You can find the good
in just about anything.
I love that about you. You know that?
Thanks.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello. I'm home.
Hey.
How was the, uh...
What's wrong?
He won't talk to me.
He said he only wants to talk to you.
You want to talk to me?
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
- You mean me and your mom?
- Mmm-mmm.
- Just me? By myself?
- Mmm-hmm.
Sure. I'm...
I'm totally free. Let's go to the den.
We'll sit there.
We'll sit.
We can do it sitting or standing?
Doesn't matter. We're just gonna do it.
We're not gonna overthink it.
Yeah. Great. Okay, good.
Just the men, yeah.
A little rap session. Great.
(WHISPERING) Oh, my God.
I just want you to know that
I'm just here to listen. All right?
No judgments, no lectures,
just a compassionate ear.
- Well, there are these kids at school...
- Mmm-hmm.
...and they're bigger than me,
because they're fourth graders.
- (SHUTTER CLICKING)
- And...
Oh, was that weird?
I'm sorry, I'm just...
It's a big moment for me,
and I'm just trying to capture it.
It just came off awkward.
So, go ahead, continue telling
your story. Fourth graders.
Anyway, there are
these fourth graders, and...
He actually confided in me.
I mean, it was that father-son feeling
I've been dying for,
and it was even better than
I thought it was gonna be.
(SIGHS) I mean, he really needed me. Me.
That is so great, honey.
He even said not to tell you.
So I'm actually totally betraying
his trust right now. (CHUCKLES)
What are we gonna do about
those little snot-nosed fourth graders?
Oh, I think it's going to be fine.
He's going to try to do some
trust falls on the playground.
Really? You think that's gonna work?
As long as they catch him. Yeah.
Hey, Brad.
Yeah?
If I ask you something,
you promise you won't cry again?
Of course, sweetie. What is it?
Well, at school,
they told us about this thing,
and it's called a Daddy-Daughter Dance.
(GASPING)
So, do you want to go with me?
(SOBBING)
You said you wouldn't cry, Brad.
I'm not. Megan, yes. A million times yes.
I thought big people
weren't supposed to cry.
I think it's sweet that he's
crying like a little *****.
(GASPS) Megan!
You are not supposed
to call people that word.
You know what? It takes a real
man to show his emotions.
(SOBBING LOUDLY)
All right, that's a bit much.
VIZZINI: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
FEZZIK: Anybody want a peanut?
(ALL LAUGHING)
BRAD: We were finally becoming a family.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- I'll get it!
After being pushed away
and treated like an outsider,
I was finally becoming
the dad that I always knew I could...
Daddy!
Hi! Where are you?
Where's Cameroon?
Is that gunfire? Cool!
MEGAN: Daddy, Daddy!
I want to talk to Daddy.
Hi, Daddy.
Good.
- So your ex is calling, huh?
- (SIGHS) Yeah.
What a treat for the kids.
It's been a long time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
We're watching a really funny
movie with Mommy and Brad.
Oh, Brad is Mommy's new husband.
Wait. He doesn't know about me?
Well, I haven't talked to him
in six months.
We've been married eight months.
Brad, Daddy wants to talk to you.
- No! No, no. Don't, don't...
- I'm just going to say hi.
You don't need to do that. Brad, don't.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you, sweetie.
Hello, Dusty?
Super to make your acquaintance.
In fact, I just wish
I could shake your hand
and offer to buy you a cold one.
- Tomorrow?
- What?
BOTH: Daddy's coming! Yay!
Oh, yeah, I guess I could pick you up.
- (WHISPERS) No.
- Hmm?
It's Whitaker.
W-H-I-T-A-K-E-R. (CHUCKLES)
No, I'm not comfortable giving you
my Social Security number over the phone.
Uh, okay, yeah, my credit score is 752.
I'm very proud of that. (CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry? What sort of fighting styles
am I proficient in?
I don't know if I've ever been
asked that before.
Hello, Dusty, hello, hello? Hmm...
I lost him.
What just happened?
Did you just invite him to come here?
Is he coming tomorrow?
Well, I didn't know
he'd accept my offer so soon.
I mean, he really jumped at it.
Remember when I said he was like Jesse
James and Mick Jagger had a baby?
Yeah, I just thought maybe
he was really skinny and
jittery, and had like a little bit
of a British accent, or something.
He's wild and he's crazy.
That's why I fell in love with him.
Then you end up with two kids.
And I'm stuck there holding the bag and
he's nowhere to be found.
It doesn't matter how much love or passion,
or you can't breathe without each other.
All of that stuff is stupid in comparison.
When you have kids,
you have responsibilities.
He doesn't understand that.
Honey, this is actually a good thing.
- (SIGHS)
- I'll welcome Dusty into our home,
and we'll establish some kind
but firm boundaries.
All right? It's what Step-By-Stepdad
calls "setting up a Loving Fence."
A Loving Fence?
Wow, that sounds really great, honey.
But your self-help books
have never met Dusty Mayron.
He sounds like a rascal, but I don't
think it's anything I can't handle.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
PANDA SINGER: Check. Check, check.
Chinese Checkers,
Czech, Czech Republic, pop,
sibilance, sibilance, pop,
one, two, six, seven,
check, check, check, check.
What do you got for me, Brad?
Oh, Mr. Holt, hello. Well, hopefully
the new voice of The Panda.
Oh, listen.
I gotta leave early today. I gotta go
pick up my wife's ex at the airport.
Jesus, kid, how'd you
draw that **** detail?
Brad, why do you want
this deadbeat in your home?
Well, it's not that I want him in my home,
it's just that the better
stepparenting books
say that the worst thing you can do
for the kids is to push out the biological.
You're in the danger zone here,
Brad, and let me tell you why.
Kids that grow up without their dads
always end up obsessing over them.
Most of the hook-ups
that I've had in my adult life
have been with women
that had daddy issues.
I don't know if this is
an appropriate story.
Look, my wife would kill me
if she knew I was telling you this.
Well, then you shouldn't tell me this.
When I met her in Denver...
You're going to tell
the story, aren't you?
...she was a topless maid.
- Ninety-nine bucks an hour.
- Mmm-hmm.
Never met her father.
But who did she meet? Me.
And who did treat her like ****? Me.
I eventually loved her,
but every time she got out of line,
I'd just pull the Humvee over
and ask her to get out politely.
And then I'd drive away.
Guess what?
She showed up at home every time.
This story has no relevance
to my situation.
Oh, it doesn't at all.
It's just a good story.
So, Pete, are we going
to hear this guy, or what?
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
I'm sorry.
Keep it up, Brad.
You and I will fight in the parking lot.
BRAD: So today is the day I'm finally
meeting the father of my children.
Am I nervous? You're darn right I am.
But who wouldn't be? (SIGHS DEEPLY)
And here's the thing.
I mean, Pepe, you know, kids...
...they see through things and,
at the end of the day,
they know who's been around...
Holy balls!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I hope that's not him.
(GULPING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
There is no doubt this man
is your better in every way.
Well, you're kind to say that. Thank you.
Yeah, I feel pretty good.
- Hey, you Dusty?
- Nope.
What?
Are you sure?
Are you Dusty... No, you're not Dusty.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(ON RADIO) You've got
Jason Sinclair on The Panda,
the station everybody
in the office can agree on.
What is this?
Now if you're up in Wolf Trap this weekend,
do yourself a favor and check out...
(DOOR OPENING)
Hey! Where have you been?
I called you like 100 times.
(SIGHS) I know, my phone died. Look...
This motorcycle, is this...
Yes. He's here.
- He's here?
- Yes.
What's he doing inside there?
He's giving the kids
all kinds of Starbursts.
Starbursts? God damn it!
Sorry. Sorry. (EXHALES)
I'm a hot habanero pepper right now.
I got a few bullet points I want to
bring up with our friend Dusty,
starting with airport etiquette,
courtesy and expectation.
MEGAN: Oh, good story, Daddy!
You like that story? It's all true. Hey!
Who wants some more Starbursts and
a couple of uncirculated silver dollars?
So you are Dusty.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I sure am. You must be
the new and improved husband.
Bring it in, big guns.
I already met you at the airport.
No, I don't recall that, friend.
Yeah, I walked right up to you
and asked if you were Dusty.
I'm pretty sure I'd remember
a heavy hitter like yourself.
(SCOFFS)
Well, must have been my mistake.
All right, that was me at the airport.
- Yeah, I know that.
- The truth is,
I saw you before you saw me,
and I'm thinking,
"This is the guy who's raising my kids?"
"And damn it if he doesn't
look like the real deal."
I mean, look at you.
You figured it out, didn't you?
You cracked the code.
(CHUCKLES) I don't know about that.
Don't play that humble game with me.
He is so humble. He's just too humble.
Honey, you got it goin' on.
Everybody says so.
Yeah, I got it goin' way on.
So you can understand
why I panicked at the airport.
- I froze, Brad. I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
Look, these are tricky waters to navigate.
They sure are, man. I mean,
that is insightful.
You know, I thought it was weird Sara
didn't tell me about you before.
I thought, what's she hiding?
And now I know.
A champion.
Hey, Brad! Did you see Dad's motorcycle?
Isn't it cool?
BRAD: It sure is.
What is that, an Indian?
Yep.
I believe they're manufactured
in Minneapolis.
I've never been, but that's the setting
for The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
And... What's the other... Rhoda.
Which I want to say was a spin-off.
Damn! You really know
your bikes, Brad. You ride?
Uh-huh. Yeah!
- Really?
- BRAD: Yeah.
I mean, not anymore. I did, you know,
back in college. I had a, um...
I had a Kawa-saki? Kawasaki Nine.
Yeah.
With the fenders and the...
The broil joint. So...
Well, you should get on her, man. Come on!
Take her out, see what she can do.
She's got a lot of power.
Oh, no, no, no.
Yeah, Brad! Brad... Please!
No. Hey, come on, kids. It's time for bed.
It's way past your bedtime.
Let's brush your teeth.
All right, come on, guys,
listen to your mom. Hey, look...
(STUTTERS) I don't want to overstep, but
it would mean the world to me
if I could tuck in our two little blessings.
Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course.
They're your kids. Tuck away.
Oh, thank you for that, Brad.
The King messed up. He messed up bad.
He thought he could just
ride off to slay dragons,
and his Queen would always be
waiting for him.
And then one day the King received word
that his dominion was being ruled over
by some curly-headed Step King
with good credit?
Oh, no!
Well, the King rode hard up on his lands,
and when he arrived,
he did gaze fondly upon the Queen,
remembering their good times together,
for he had known her in her prime,
when she was down for anything,
and I do mean anything.
Psst...
Sounds like your dad's spinning
quite a yarn. Mind if I listen in?
Oh, actually, it's getting late.
You two need to get some sack time.
BOTH: No, we want more story, please!
Hey, I'd love to be in here all night,
but let's be respectful of Brad's rules,
no matter how arbitrary they seem.
All right?
Good night, my little golden treasures.
Good night, my little magical cherubs.
- Here comes some butterfly kisses.
- (GIGGLING)
And some Eskimo kisses.
Good night, buddy.
Sleep tight. Sleep tight.
Hey, who wants good-night tickles?
- BOTH: Me!
- (DUSTY CHUCKLES)
Good night, my little breath of God.
Good night, my little Jesus teardrop.
I almost forgot, my famous
good-night back scratches.
- Oh, so relaxing, so relaxing.
- (SIGHING)
Good night, sweetie bear.
Hey, who wants twenty bucks?
- BOTH: I do! Me!
- Twenty dollars?
- What?
- Oh, yeah.
One for you, and one for you.
I don't know if that's appropriate.
Ah, don't worry about it.
BRAD: Okay. Good night.
So, uh, if you want to, why don't you
come by tomorrow after school?
Might be a good time to...
What about the cold one?
The cold one?
You promised me
a cold one and a handshake.
Cold one. One cold one, coming up.
Great. I'll grab my jacket,
we'll go outside.
Perfect. All right.
Hey! Psst...
What are you doing?
What are you guys buddies now?
No. I mean, I offered him a cold one.
I really should honor
the cold one promise.
(SIGHS) Fine. You give him a cold one,
and then you get rid of him, okay?
You put up your Loving Fence,
- remember?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Then you come to bed.
- Okay.
- Will do.
- Okay.
DUSTY: What you got going on over here?
Oh, uh, that's a treehouse. A little, uh,
bonding project for Dylan and I.
Yeah, we've been at it
for about two months.
DUSTY: It's looking good.
BRAD: Thank you.
So, Dusty, how long do you think
you're going to be in town for?
Well, Brad, the truth is,
I'm wheels-up a week from tomorrow.
Time to get out there and
kick some ass for America.
Oh, I see. So you're a soldier?
Nope.
Oh, so you're a, uh...
Yep.
Yep, what?
(CHUCKLES) You don't want to know
any more than that, Brad.
Okay.
Um, listen, Dusty, I think that we should
set up a visitation schedule.
Right? That way, you feel like
you have ample time with the children...
Why don't we cut the ****, Brad?
No, we don't have to cut the ****.
You want to know what I'm doing here,
why don't you quit looking at
whatever you wrote on your hand?
Be a man and ask me, Brad.
Okay. What are you doing here?
Now, we both know kids need
a single primary male role model.
Sara's made her choice.
I'm man enough to
let that role model be you.
I will vouch for you with my children.
I will give them my sacred
permission to trust you.
To love you and to
call you Dad.
You'd do that for me?
No.
But I will do it for them.
That is what you want, isn't it, Brad?
More than anything in the world.
He played you.
You just got so played out there.
I know it looks that way, 'cause
I promised I would ask him to leave,
and then I invited him to stay for a week,
but he didn't play me.
You know what he did? He cut the ****.
- Oh, he did?
- And I gotta say, it was refreshing.
I think more of us could stand
to just cut the ****, you know.
- Right.
- In one conversation,
he just blew by
eight chapters in my stepdad book.
I mean, this is gonna be so good
for me and the kids.
Oh, baby, you have no idea
who you're dancing with.
Dusty gets into your head,
- that's what he does.
- (WHIRRING)
(MUFFLED) He has a very impressive,
rugged bravado,
there's no question. But I gotta say,
I think in here, there's
a soft, soft creamy center.
You know? I think he feels a lot.
He just... He needs
someone with this, a big ear.
And I got them. Mmm.
Oh, good morning, Dusty.
- Hey.
- You're up and at 'em.
- (OVEN TIMER DINGS)
- Yeah, I got up early
- and did a quick 20.
- Really?
- Twenty minutes of what?
- Oh, twenty miles.
Did a little light sparring,
then I whipped up
a pan of piping-hot
cinnamon rolls for my family.
And I made one for you, too.
Wow. That's very impressive, thank you.
- DUSTY: Good morning, gang!
- Ooh, it smells yummy!
Our real dad's a super,
super-duper good cook!
- Mmm-hmm.
- Here you go, guys.
Yeah, it looks an awful lot like Cinnabon.
Well, thank you, Brad.
What a nice thing to say.
Mmm, it tastes exactly like Cinnabon!
In fact, same shape,
same swirl, same frosting.
Now you're starting to embarrass me,
but I do appreciate the compliment.
Good morning, Sar-bear!
- Morning.
- Hey, listen, guys,
Brad and I had a talk last night
about the importance of family.
And now that everyone's here,
I wanted to say a few words, okay?
I think that would be great.
Hey, kids, you know, families can be
ever-growing and changing things.
And sometimes someone new
knocks on the door of your heart
and you're not sure if you
have room in there for one more.
But there's someone here now
that I hope you guys can learn to love.
Okay?
(WHISTLING)
- Come here, boy!
- (GROWLING)
BOTH: A doggy! Yay!
You brought a dog home?
Yeah. Is that a problem?
I mean, you seemed
really into it while I was teeing it up.
No, I thought you were talking about me.
- Oh, but you're not a dog, Brad.
- No... (SCOFFS)
Look, last night, when we talked...
Oh, yeah. Well, listen,
that's got to happen organically.
Why can't it happen now?
It just can't.
You're dirty.
SARA: Dusty, how old is that thing?
I'd guess him to be around 15.
I mean, I found him this morning,
living in a storm drain.
I named him Tumor,
because of how much he grows on you.
BOTH: Mommy, can we keep Tumor, please?
Oh, I'm gonna leave this one up to Brad.
BOTH: Please, Brad! Please!
Why is he looking at me like that?
- (GROWLING)
- He's only looking at me.
Maybe we just get a puppy instead?
A puppy, Brad? What are they
going to learn from a puppy?
An old dog like Tumor here's
been out in the world, man. Living free.
Fighting for survival and seeing things
we can only dream of.
Just look at the wisdom
in those cloudy eyes.
Besides, you know what happens
to old dogs at shelters.
He's gonna have to walk the green mile
as soon as he gets there.
No, Brad, no! Don't kill our dog!
I hate you!
Okay. Okay. Fine.
He can live out his few
remaining weeks with us.
Yay! Thanks, Brad.
I don't hate you anymore.
He's going potty!
SARA: Oh, my God.
We'll clean it up. We don't mind.
Look at that.
The dog's already
teaching them responsibility.
Hey, guys, when you got to
pick up the potty, use gloves.
- He's definitely got worms in his poo.
- (BOTH GROANING IN DISGUST)
(SIGHS)
SARA: Dusty!
Can you please move this thing?
I can't get my car out of the garage.
Hey, Brad, do you mind?
I want to grab a quick shower.
Yeah, sure, no problem.
- Hey, honey.
- Hi, sweetie.
It's blocking everything.
No, I know. I know, don't worry.
We're on top of it.
What are you doing? Brad, I don't...
Hey! Stay away from that, please.
(GRUNTS)
Honey, what are you doing?
- (ENGINE REVVING)
- (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
I don't know if that's a good idea, Brad.
Dusty!
It's vibrating up into my shoulders.
Hey, it's okay, Brad.
Look, she's a lot of bike, man.
No, I'm good. Why don't you go
back in and take that shower,
so you can get a shirt on?
Oh, you got it.
Hey, you look good on that, man.
Remember, one down, four up.
Dusty, everyone knows it's one down...
- (SCREAMING)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(CRASHING)
Did Brad just die?
I think we all need to prepare ourselves
for that possibility, pumpkin. Okay?
Brad!
Brad!
- (BRAD GROANING)
- (GASPING)
Oh, my God.
- (COUGHING)
- Brad, are you all right?
No, I'm not all right.
I'm in the wall. I'm scared.
Oh, honey.
Jeez, Brad, I thought you said
you could ride.
I can ride, okay.
Would you get a shirt on?
I think if you could ride, you wouldn't
be stuck in a wall right now, Brad.
SARA:
Yeah. I'm sorry to say it, but he's right.
You almost killed the kids!
DUSTY: Let's not beat up
on Brad here. Okay?
He was showboating for the kids
a little bit, and things got out of hand.
Let's all just be grateful
nobody got hurt. Okay?
I got hurt!
Okay, kids, listen up.
This is a good lesson
on why you never wanna lie
about your ability to do things
you clearly can't do, okay, huh?
I think my arm is stuck in the wall.
DUSTY: Brad, just stay still.
I'll get you out.
No, no, no, no, no. No, don't do anything.
And would you please
just go and get a shirt on?
Just calm down, all right?
- (SARA SCREAMING)
- (GROANING)
Hey, I'm really sorry about
what happened to your car.
Yeah, and I'm sorry about
what happened to your bike.
Oh, no damage. Not a scratch.
- Oh, not even one scratch?
- Unbelievable.
(LAUGHS) That's so good.
(ROOF THUDS)
Let's keep it going! Inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Morning, Jerry.
Got to keep it inside the cones!
No, Daddy! You're supposed
to stay in the cones!
Whoa, whoa! Inside the cones!
- Inside. Bring her in. That's better.
- (SIGHS)
Let's keep those kids safe today, okay?
Thank you, Brad.
Sorry, Doris.
It's okay. This whole drop-off line thing
can be a bit overwhelming
if you're not used to it.
Yeah, well, I've landed a chopper
in the middle of a Cuban prison riot,
Brad, I think I'm good.
(BEEPING)
Bye, guys! I love you guys so much.
Have a great day, okay?
- Bye, Daddy!
- Make sure you do all your work.
Bye, guys. Have the best day.
I love you so...
BRAD: Here's the exciting thing.
We just opened up in our 68th market,
making The Panda America's
number three smooth jazz station.
Wow.
And here it is. My, uh... My little nook.
Wow. Oh, man, I gotta admit,
this is more than I expected.
Wow.
I kind of envy you, Brad.
Oh, stop it.
Ah, it's true. I mean, you're a nice guy,
making a comfortable living,
and the most fantastic woman
in the world loves you dearly.
Really? Thanks for saying that.
I mean it. And that sacrifice
she's making for you... That's true love.
Sacrifice?
Well, sure, Brad.
You know how bad
that girl wants another baby.
She wants another baby?
For her to let that slip away
and marry a man she knew to be barren,
that's true love.
How do you know that I can't...
- Bradley.
- Yes.
Caroline says we're gonna hear some
new voice talent this a.m.?
Yes, sir, in about 15 minutes.
Okay. How'd it go
- with the ****bag ex-husband?
- Uh-uh.
You whip his ass with
that Loving Fence of yours?
(LAUGHS)
Well, actually it's interesting, Mr. Holt,
because I want you to meet Dusty Mayron.
Jesus in the morning.
She was married to him first?
Okay. Let's establish some
ground rules, pretty boy.
- Airborne?
- Huh?
Well, your lapel pin.
101st, that's one hell of a division, sir.
Oh, well, thank you, Dusty.
Are you Airborne?
Oh, no, sir, I'm afraid
I don't share that honor,
but I'm humbled to be in the
presence of anyone who does.
Airborne Division? Those guys love to fly.
Very nice to meet you, sir.
Thank you, thank you.
It's good to meet you.
My pleasure. It's an honor.
Fast friends over there. (CHUCKLES)
That's wonderful.
Come on! No way!
The whole time you're running guns
for the freedom fighters
right under the cartel's noses,
and they never suspected it was you once?
Well, I'm sure they started to suspect
once they were in a ball of fire
the size of four city blocks.
(LAUGHING)
That's great. I love that!
Holy buckets, Brad!
If this guy was my wife's ex,
I'd put a bullet in my skull.
(BOTH LAUGH)
DUSTY: Come on, Leo, cut it out.
Oh, uh... Sir, I think Barry's ready.
You're really going to like this guy.
Okay. Ready to listen.
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
All right. Mmm-hmm.
- You like him, Brad?
- I do.
I do. I mean, I think his voice
has a warm dependability
that all Panda listeners could trust.
What do you think, Duster?
(BRAD LAUGHS)
Does Dusty now work for The Panda?
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm not really into smooth jazz.
I shouldn't comment.
(SCOFFS) Nobody's into smooth jazz.
I'm into smooth jazz.
Of course you are, Brad.
So what do you think, Dusty?
I mean, it just seems a little flaccid.
I think you need a voice with some
virility and hope, that tells listeners,
"Hey! Maybe the next song
won't suck as bad as the last one."
Also, I think a strong ability
to be something like...
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
What...
What just happened?
He sang the tagline.
- Good boy, Tumor!
- (CAR HONKING)
BOTH: Daddy!
DUSTY: Hey!
Oh, perfect timing. Listen to this.
DUSTY ON RADIO: One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
- Is that you?
- Yeah!
SARA: That's you?
Why is that him?
I took him to work, and 15 minutes later
he's the new voice of The Panda.
Hey, you believe that? I record
one take at 9:30 this morning,
it's already run 11 times.
Do I really get 182 bucks
every time they play that?
Yes. Every time, yes.
Ooh! Money.
You see why I love America
even more than most people do?
Hey. What's this?
Just the handyman
I hired off Angie's List.
He's upstairs fixing the damage.
Your wife had to hire a man? For what?
Some framing, a little sheetrock repair,
some masonry and basic window glazing?
Come on, Brad.
We can bang that out tonight.
Yeah.
It's just basic sheetrock glazing
and, you know, little whatamajigs.
Get up there and
get in there and crank it out.
Dusty is pretty good with his hands.
Pretty good with my hands,
Brad, she knows.
Okay. Yeah, I'll just go
up there and I'll...
- Want me to do it? I'll tell him to screw.
- No, no, no, no.
No, no, no. That's okay.
I'll tell him,
- "Guess what, bub?"
- Tell him the men are here.
I'll say that.
I'll say, "The men are here."
- Let's do it.
- I don't want to imply to him
that he's not a man. But I'll just say,
"Hey, the boys are back in town." Right?
(HAMMERING)
Oh, hi.
I'm Brad. Uh... My wife hired you.
Nice to meet you, Brad.
I just came up here to say that you...
That, um, you should have good luck.
Thank you for your wishes of luck.
I'll be downstairs.
Well? What happened?
Oh, you know, I think it's...
He already started,
and I just think it feels wrong.
Why? Because he's black?
No. No, no.
Megan! Dylan!
- What are you doing? Huh?
- Teaching moment.
Guys, what would we call Brad
if he treated someone differently
just because of the color of their skin?
- (BOTH GASP)
- Brad's being racism?
Racist, honey. Brad is a racist.
- Honey.
- No, I mean... But not on purpose.
Is Brad a Klan person?
No. (LAUGHS)
So I'm a racist if I don't fire someone?
Well, yeah, you are.
Yeah, you are.
Sir, you're taking this all wrong.
Right. So you get one look
at the color of my skin,
and all of a sudden you're
Mr. Do It Yourself, huh?
No, not at all. Please, allow me
to pay you for your time and travel.
Don't do me any favors, Paula Deen.
(SIGHS)
I'm not a woman.
You did the right thing.
Boy, it doesn't feel that way.
Let's get cracking.
Where do you keep your tools?
I know where Brad keeps his tools.
In the credenza.
- Yeah.
- You keep your tools
- in the credenza, Brad?
- In the credenza. Mmm-hmm.
Just easier to get to.
- It's convenient.
- Yeah.
(CLATTERING)
This is a tackle box, Brad.
Are we going fishing?
No. Unless you want to go fishing.
What have you got in here?
A hammer, masking tape,
three C batteries and a tampon.
Yeah, well, a tampon's handy for...
Yeah, I know what they're handy for.
So are we not going to fix it?
Well, what do you want from me, Brad?
To buy all the gear we need
would cost more
than just hiring someone
off of Angie's List.
- (GROWLING)
- (GASPS)
And the King, he thought the Step King
seemed okay at first, a little soft, maybe,
but, heck, the Queen needed a meal ticket.
But the more the King learned about him,
the more he doubted the
Step King's ability to lead.
So the King decided
there was only one way to...
Psst... Hey. Good story?
Yeah. The King finally
came back to his castle.
But the evil Step King
wouldn't give him his crown back.
Oh, okay, yeah.
I think I've heard this story before.
Ah, it's a story as old as time, Brad.
Well, you know what? It turns out
the Step King wasn't evil at all.
He was a really good guy.
Fun at parties, great conversationalist,
affable. And he saw
that the beautiful Queen
and perfect Prince and Princess
were all alone, and he came
valiantly to their rescue.
Yeah, but wasn't the Queen sad because
the Step King couldn't give
her an heir to the throne?
Okay, you know what?
Now this is getting personal.
Hey, Brad, come on.
We're just doing fairy tales here.
All right. Well, the Queen wasn't sad,
just for the record. (STUTTERING)
The Step King was pretty sure
she was totally cool with it.
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm sure the Queen was thrilled. Right?
Right?
Yeah.
Honey,
what's the matter?
Are you still sad about
Dusty finding your tampon?
No. No, I mean,
this is a little embarrassing,
but it's just, I was...
Is there any chance
you still want another baby?
Oh, my God. What, did Dusty say something?
He's just trying to get in your head.
So it's not true then?
Okay. Maybe I did want another baby.
But it's not possible,
given what happened to your...
And I'm not blaming them. I love them.
They are my fuzzy little pals.
You don't have to say that.
They are.
I am 100% happy
with the family that I have.
The only reason I'm putting up with him is
because my kids are so happy to see him.
And I want them to have
a relationship with their father.
You know what?
I can't wait to see his face
when he figures out
how much you really do for his kids.
Yeah. I mean, I'm
involved. I'm emotionally available.
Yeah, you are.
You are darn right.
It's high time Dusty sees
how a real dad does it.
I am fired up!
(SIGHS)
Let's get some shut-eye.
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Hallelujah!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, dudes! Hey, T.J.!
Brad! Look what Dad did!
He finished the treehouse for you!
Hey, hey! B-man!
No, watch out, B!
(BRAD GROANING)
Hey, Brad. Sorry about that.
- You all right?
- (CONTINUES GROANING)
Brad, what do you think, man?
Wow. Pretty cool zipline.
You like that, huh? It's military grade.
You built all this today? With my tools?
Oh, no, you can't build a treehouse
with a tampon, Brad.
No, I had a little bit of help.
Yo, Dylan, PS4 is all hooked up.
- Thanks, Uncle Griff.
- No problem, buddy.
Uncle Griff?
Dude, I went out for a beer last night,
and who's tending bar but our man Griffy?
We get to talking and we just click.
You know what I mean?
He's a great dude, man. He really is.
I know how you feel about him,
but just give him a chance.
All right? He's having
a tough time at home,
and your firing him sure didn't help.
Well, I fired him because you made me!
- I made you?
- Yeah.
Am I in charge around here now?
Is my name on the mortgage?
Last time I checked,
you were the man of the house,
and me and Griffy were just staying here.
- He's not staying here.
- Because he's black?
No, not because of that.
Look, Griffy helped me
knock this out, all right?
So despite any prejudices
that you may or may not have...
I don't have any prejudices.
I said "may or may not."
- Well, it's may not.
- Well, that's good.
Because that's one of the ones I said.
Hey, kids, come on.
Helmets on the half-pipe.
We got to be safe around here.
Wait, half-pipe?
Look, I know it's taking up
a lot of the yard, but it's gonna make
your house the coolest place
in the neighborhood.
I got a sound system, we got
a couple Go-Pros. That's Corey
from Red Bull over there.
Hey, Corey!
You got a sponsor for my backyard?
Hey, Mr. Mayron! You want next?
Nicholas, please, it's Dusty!
And, yes, I do. Brad, watch this run.
I'm gonna dedicate this run
to my future X-Games champs,
Dylan and Megan. This is for you!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(BLOWS)
Looks like you picked
the wrong leisure activity, buddy.
(ALL CHEERING)
Thank you.
- Oh, hey, Sara.
- Hi.
Okay. Who's got next?
BRAD: I do!
Look!
(ALL GASPING)
Some cute little tricks there, Dusty.
(LAUGHS)
Really adorable.
Brad?
Hey, who'd like to see
how we used to do it
back in the empty pools of Encino,
Castaic, Irvine, Long Beach?
Santa Clarita?
Santa Cruz?
Fremont?
Honey, no, please come down.
Oh, I intend to, sister.
Come on, Brad, it hasn't been that long.
Godspeed.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (GRUNTS)
- ALL: Whoa!
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! Brad!
Oh, no, it's best not to touch him.
Wait a second.
What do you mean, don't touch him?
He's in trouble.
Look, I know he's in trouble, okay?
But if there's a problem, who
do you want to be in charge?
You?
Okay. All right, guys,
we have an emergency situation.
And what's the first thing we do? Anybody?
- You! Redhead.
- Call 911.
Close. But wrong.
First thing we do is remain calm.
Yeah, that's good advice.
The 911 operator can't understand you
if you're hysterical, okay?
So let's all take a deep breath.
In for ten...
Are you kidding me right now? Help him!
Hey, that doesn't sound calm, Sara.
Now, please, call 911
and relate to the dispatcher
- what happened calmly, okay?
- Okay, yes.
Anybody know what we do next?
Check for pulse!
Nice! My star pupil! Come on up here.
All right! Okay, two fingers on the neck,
right below the ear.
- Good. You feel a heartbeat?
- Uh-uh.
Okay, now that means that
Brad here is now clinically... Anybody?
- You, Jean Jacket!
- Dead?
Attaboy, Jean Jacket. You're a smart kid.
He is dead.
All right, so what do we do?
Come on, we're losing him here.
Give him C.P.R.?
Yes! That's my girl.
Come on up here, sweetie.
All right! All right, lock your fingers like
this and press down hard right here.
- (GRUNTING)
- Oh, great job, sweetheart.
Dusty, hurry!
Okay, I'm going to go ahead
and take this one.
Okay? Watch closely now.
If you do your
chest compressions properly,
it shouldn't take long. Clear out, guys.
(WHIRRING)
(GASPING)
- I got him! I got him!
- (COUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING)
My dad can bring people
back from the dead!
(GROANING)
Mr. Whitaker's a zombie!
(MUTTERING)
Look, I'm okay, really.
I just got a little jolt.
You got a little killed
is what you got, Brad.
We thought we lost you.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I just got tired of being
the lame stepdad.
All the kids think he's Superman.
Well, now you know how I felt.
I always had to be the bad guy mom,
giving out the carrots
and the punishments,
and he would breeze in
from God only knows where
and get to be the cool, fun dad.
Honey. Look. (SIGHS)
I'll talk to him, okay?
I'll tell him to get his stuff
and get over to the Red Roof Inn. Pronto.
Great.
(TV PLAYING)
Wait. Prince Hans is actually the bad guy?
Man, I didn't see that coming at all.
He seemed like he really loved Anna.
MEGAN: I hate Prince Hans.
Dusty.
- Hey, how you feeling, Sparky?
- (CHUCKLES)
Sparky. That's hilarious.
DUSTY: Brad, have you seen this movie?
It's unbelievable, man.
There's these two sisters,
one of them has ice powers.
Yeah, I'm familiar with Frozen.
Listen, Dusty, I need to talk to you now.
I can't talk now, Brad.
Just pause the movie!
Can you guys talk out there, please?
Griff, man. You gotta pause it, man.
No! I don't want to ruin the momentum.
He won't... Dude, if another song
comes on, you got to pause it. Okay?
Am I supposed to pause my emotions?
Just pause the song, man.
What's up? What's up?
What's going on, Brad?
- This shouldn't take long.
- Okay, good.
Listen, um, I just think
that you're being here...
Yeah. No problem.
...and now there's Griff here,
it's presenting some obstacles...
(SOBBING)
Stupid helmet!
Honey, what happened?
They pushed me off my bike again!
- I'm so sick of it!
- (CLATTERING)
I want them dead, Brad. All right?
I want their parents dead.
And if they don't have parents, I want
their primary caregivers dead.
Do you understand me?
- Okay, okay.
- He's okay.
Megan's upstairs playing with him.
I am so pissed about this.
Was it the fourth graders again?
Fourth graders?
What, you knew about this, Brad?
Yeah. Dylan asked to speak
specifically to me about it.
- Really?
- So, we role-played
some conflict resolution dialogue.
Are you being serious right now, Brad?
What you need to be teaching him
is some ass-beating resolution.
Damn straight. You got to
make a statement. Set a tone.
It's kind of a family matter over here.
No, Dusty and Griff are right.
Those little punks need
their butts whooped.
Hey, you got any Miracle Whip?
Yeah, it's behind the... (SIGHS)
Here. Hold on. Let me just get it for you.
Guys, I know we're upset right now,
but here's the thing.
Violence never solved anything.
Hey, check your history books, buddy.
Almost everything is solved by violence.
There are better ways.
Okay. Name one. Besides dialoguing.
- Name one?
- Name one!
- What do you mean, name one?
- You said you could
solve problems with
things other than fighting.
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
Well, you said you knew!
You act like you knew!
- Fine, yes!
- What?
Dancing! Dancing.
Did you... Did you just say dancing, Brad?
It's very popular in youth culture
to resolve conflict through dancing.
They step up to each other and get served
by crunking, or popping and locking.
They call each other out, they take turns,
and it is no less intense
than a classic street brawl.
But, at the end of the day, no one's hurt.
And it's a great aerobic workout.
He's flailing a bit,
but he has a good point.
There's a rich history
of dance battles in film.
- You got Breakin' 1...
- I didn't even think of this.
...Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.
One of the rare cases
where the sequel was better
- than the original.
- Much better.
You got Step Up, Stomp the Yard.
He makes a solid point.
Honey, are you telling us that we
should teach Dylan to dance?
(SIGHS) No, I'm just saying that
teaching him to fight isn't the answer.
Okay, but maybe teaching him
to fight back isn't so bad?
BRAD: Okay.
There we go. Perfect.
That's good, right there.
Yeah. A lot of protection.
All right, Dylan. You ready, buddy?
- I guess.
- Oh, you're ready.
Brad, Griff. You guys be
the fourth graders.
- I'll be Dylan.
- Okay.
All right. Hey, buddy, the first thing you
want to do is call out the biggest one.
Hey! What's the matter?
You too much of a pussy to take me on
without your little *****es to back you up?
Wow. Okay, yes.
That cut right through me, there.
I'm filled with inner shame right now.
Saying to myself,
"Gosh, maybe I'm not behaving
"100% the way I want to."
Right? Is that same page?
No. What the kid's gonna think
is, "Now I can beat your ass
"all on my own." But now
you only got one bully to contend with.
Now bullies always open up
with some shoving first.
- Watch. Brad, give me a little shove.
- All right.
(YELPS)
Whoa, I didn't connect there, did I?
No. It was really close, though.
See what I did, buddy?
I turned my body just enough
to let his weight bring him in,
then I came right down Broadway.
- I'm not gonna hit you.
- Oh.
- Okay, relax. Okay?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Bam!
- (ALL GASP)
It's called the element of surprise.
Then you start punking his ass!
You want some more of that, *****, huh?
You like that, *****?
All right. Do we really
need to use that word?
- No.
- Honey, yes.
Unfortunately, we do. I'm sorry.
You have to make him a *****.
It's a fundamental step in
destroying a bully's psyche.
Now stay down, *****!
Then you kick that kid right in the nuts!
Kick him in the nuts, Dylan!
Wait! I thought you were in my gang.
Yeah, but once Dylan tuned you up,
I switched sides.
What do you think happens
out there on the playground, Brad?
All right, now come on, buddy.
It's your turn. All right?
I'll be the fourth grader.
Can I just go inside already, please?
Hey, buddy come on, this is easy.
You can do this.
I said, no! I don't like this stuff.
I'll just stay away from them
from now on. Mom?
Okay, come here, buddy.
- Come on. It's all right.
- Brad.
Help me out here. Come on.
Hey, wait.
Pal, listen...
I know what it's like
to be afraid to go to school.
Okay? When I was your age,
this group of older kids
started picking on me.
I ran and I cried
underneath the bleachers.
They bothered me every day,
because they knew
I was too afraid to face them.
Until one day, I'd had enough.
And I socked Jesse Hubbard
right in the nose.
Really? And they left you alone?
Damn right they did.
Brad. (SOFTLY) That was good.
Come here, buddy.
Hey, I'm proud of you. All right?
Now, look at me. I want you to punch them
right in the Adam's apple. Okay?
I want you to shatter their throat.
Hold on, hold on.
I'm sorry. Look, I'm having
a pang of guilt right now.
Full disclosure. Some of the elements
of my story weren't exactly true.
Um, the incessant crying, 100% true.
The constant bullying, absolutely,
it all happened, but I, uh...
I've never punched anyone in my life.
I could have told you that.
- Then what did you do?
- Yeah, what did you do?
Well, nothing at all.
In fact, sixth grade was so rough,
I changed my name to Devin Lacecock.
Why the hell would you tell him that?
I pretended to be blind for an entire
school year, just to elicit empathy.
Which was great until
they found me intently watching
an episode of MASH.
In fact, it got so bad,
my parents had to refinance
our house to put me in private school.
Let's just do that.
Can I go to private school, please?
No, Dylan, we can't do that.
Want to know why?
Because ever since that day,
I've always run away from conflict.
In fact, if I had a dad like Dusty
when I was your age, maybe
he could have taught me
how to stand up for myself.
So, wait. You're saying,
if I don't stick up for myself now,
I'll grow up to be a huge wussy like you?
Um, yes. That is the basic
gist of what I'm saying. Yes.
Okay. Then let's do this.
DUSTY: Come on, buddy, you got this.
Give me something. Come on.
Faster, harder, meaner, stronger.
You're fast, you're good.
You're a winner. You're a champion.
They got to let you off the leash, baby.
We got a little pit bull here.
That was really nice, you guys. Good job.
It was really fun to watch
the two of you working together
like a couple of great co-dads.
Yeah.
Co-dads. That's...
That's good stuff.
You know what?
In that same spirit of unity,
I want to show my gratitude
for your inviting me
to stay here and share moments like these.
Oh, about that, Dusty.
When I pulled you over there, actually...
No, what you've done here
does not go unnoticed.
And I repay my debts.
Look, Sara, I know how much
you want another child.
I think I can help
put a baby in there for you.
- Oh, my God!
- What are you saying?
- I mean I got a guy.
- Dusty, please! You got a guy?
Yes, I got a guy. A fertility doctor.
He's a buddy of mine.
I trained him for his first Ironman.
All right? Dr. Francisco is the real deal.
- Dr. Emilio Francisco?
- You've heard of him?
Oh, my God, yeah.
He's been on Dr. Oz like 10 times.
Yeah, he's one of the top five reproductive
endocrinologists in the country.
See? People wait years
to get an appointment with this guy.
Do you really think he would see us?
- Whoa, whoa, hold on.
- I know he would.
If anybody can help you
have a baby, he can.
Mommy's going to have a baby?
Cool! Can we name it Griff?
Oh, thanks, D-man.
Look, you guys,
I don't know if this is a good idea.
What, you don't wanna name your baby
after a black person?
- Is that it?
- No!
You probably want to name it something
really white, like Connor or Gordon.
Harland, or Scot with one T. Or Brad.
No, no, Griff is a lovely name.
I'm just saying,
I don't think it's a good
idea to get our hopes up,
because, in the end,
odds are, I'm going to let you down.
Okay, honey, but what if I promise,
promise, promise not to get my hopes up?
We could just try, right? It can't hurt.
Okay, sure.
But you can't get your hopes up.
No. I won't, I won't! Thank you!
I feel like you've already
gotten your hopes up.
- Where are you going?
- Nowhere!
- You calling your mother?
- No!
Okay, yes, but it's about something else.
It's not about something else.
Damn it, Brad, he set you up.
He used this fancy doctor
to get your wife back on the baby train.
When those test results come back
and prove that you can't give her a baby,
guess who's gonna be waiting
there cocked and loaded?
Well, I trust my wife, so we really don't
need to keep talking about it, okay?
Let me tell you a little story, Brad.
When Jeneane, my fourth, and I
were returning from our honeymoon,
she told me that
she had a 23-year-old kid.
Brazilian boy.
Said she had him real young.
So he moves in with us.
Doesn't speak a lick of English.
There are the usual tensions.
I try to assert my authority.
"Andreas, get your feet
off the furniture."
"Andreas, you're too old
to sleep in bed with Mommy."
"Andreas, you got to stay off the 'roids."
And he'd get mad,
and hit me with a car antenna.
Eh... Maybe that's the way kids are.
No. Not really.
So I adopt him,
help him get his citizenship.
The second the papers come through,
guess what happens?
I already know.
Bam! They shack up together in Barstow.
It turns out Andreas
- is her boyfriend, Brad.
- Mmm-hmm.
I did not see it coming.
I actually did, about one,
two words into your story.
The moral of this fable is,
it's good to know when you're beaten.
- You know I think the world of you, Brad.
- Thank you.
But if I'm being completely honest,
even I'm rooting for Dusty.
He's just so damn likeable.
You know, it's getting kind of late.
Shouldn't we just get back to work?
Okay, you win.
So where are we on The Panda Jam
numbers for next summer?
London, you still on the conference call?
Dusty Mayron, you crazy hijo de puta!
- (LAUGHS) Hey, what's up, Doc?
- (EXCLAIMING)
You look great, man. You still
rocking those Ironmans, huh?
Yeah, bro.
I just finished Brazil in 11:40.
- That's unbelievable.
- Yeah. Well, come on.
Ain't nothing on you, man.
Hey, my first race,
I'm limping across the finish line
when this ******* laps me.
I mean, come on, who wins an Ironman,
then decides to go around again?
Who does that?
It sounds exhausting.
Hey, I'm Dr. Francisco. You must be Sara.
Hi. (LAUGHS)
Dusty, you were not lying
about this one. Very nice.
And you weren't lying
about this one either.
You must be Chief Glowing Sack.
What? (LAUGHS)
Hey, come on,
I'm just lighting you up, man.
Come on, little hug.
Okay, come on back, y'all.
Let's take a look.
All right. So let's run it down.
I think we can safely say that your issue
has nothing to do with X-rays.
You know what, sweetheart, come here.
Let's see that pretty little hand.
Okay. Now put it right in here.
- Oh!
- Okay, you feel that?
- Yeah.
- Okay, that is not how you want
testicles to be shaped.
Really? It feels like all the other...
Hi.
Well, it cuts off blood flow, okay?
Limits potency.
You want them to...
You know what? Actually...
- Hey, Dusty!
- Hey.
- Why is he coming in here?
- Little help in here, please.
Oh, come on. You gotta put me
through this every time?
- Come on. Be a sport.
- All right.
Oh, my God! What are you doing?
Is this even ethical?
(GASPS) James and the Giant Peach.
(GULPS)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
It's okay, I gulp every time.
You see, this... This is what you want.
Plump and bulbous.
Glassy smooth, like
two Patrick Stewarts,
you know what I mean?
Don't embarrass me in front
of Sara like this anymore, okay?
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, sorry, bro.
So, ready to milk the cow,
see if we even got a sliver of hope here?
Hey, Dusty, come on, buddy. Want to
try to break your own record?
Oh, no, I'm good.
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, come on, man.
I'm doing you a favor here.
Give me something to brag
about at the next symposium.
All right, fine. You want to break
the record, I gotta break the record.
(LAUGHS) Yeah. Kid came to play.
Should I grab a big cup, too?
What? Stop screwing around.
Come on. We're burning daylight here.
(DOOR OPENS)
(WOMEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
(SIGHS)
(ALL GASPING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hello. Quick question.
How difficult would it be
for someone to whip up
a batch of your Cinnabons?
Would you need restaurant-grade ovens?
Bradsky. Could you
pass this along to Dusty?
It's his first resids check.
Disclaimer. It's more than you make.
- Don't get worried about it.
- How much more than...
Oh, and tell him, 8:30 sharp at my house.
He doesn't need to bring anything.
All right, buddy?
I've never been to your house.
No, you haven't.
SARA: Oh, my God, my hair, it looks awful.
Doesn't Mommy's hair look pretty?
- No. Next slide, please.
- DUSTY: Oh, okay.
- Slides. Fun.
- DUSTY: Aw...
Cool. You guys climbed that?
Yuck. Why are you guys kissing
in every single picture?
Oh, Mommy used to kiss Daddy a lot.
SARA: Married people kiss a lot.
DUSTY: Ready?
Wow, China.
I loved it there.
Dylan, you were created right
there on that wall, buddy.
- Really?
- Dusty, that's enough.
- DUSTY: Okay, next slide.
- (SARA LAUGHS)
That's where your mom and I met,
doing The King and I in summer stock.
SARA: God, that costume was so tight.
(LAUGHS)
Next slide, please.
Oh, my God.
- MEGAN: Is that baby me?
- SARA: Mmm-hmm.
All right, you guys, let's,
um, get ready for bed.
- Okay?
- DUSTY: It's story time, Mayron family!
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
MEGAN: We don't have to wait
for Mr. Whitaker, do we?
I really don't like you,
but that **** is heartbreaking.
(DOOR CLOSING)
MEGAN: Yay! Griff's home!
So the King raised his mighty sword
and rained steel down upon the Step King.
But the Step King
blocked it with his shield.
And swung his cat o'nine tails
into the King's smug face.
Which the King easily brushed aside
like the feather of a gull.
And then the King did counter
with a barrage of slashes
and thrusts so fast and precise
that the Step King had no way to parry.
BOTH: Yay!
But he did. He did.
He parried all of them.
- Easily. It was no big deal.
- BOTH: Aw.
Then he grabbed the King's
sword right out of his hand
and smashed it over his knee.
BOTH: Boo!
That's when the King pulled out
a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!
Which is completely anachronistic.
So if we're doing any time period,
then the Step King just happened to be
wearing Kevlar body armor.
- Concussion grenade!
- Hand grenade.
- Rocket launcher.
- Missile launcher.
- Air strike.
- Nuclear strike.
- Black hole.
- God.
We know what this comes down to.
The Step King was very upset
because when the real King
pulled out his sword,
it was long and shiny,
and the Step King
did shudder at the size of it.
And while the Step King acknowledged
that the King carried a mighty,
beautifully engraved broadsword,
all the maidens in the land
preferred the more average-sized
Step King's sword because
it knew how to listen.
- (SCOFFS)
- And the King needs to realize
he's a guest in his castle
and he better mind his P's and Q's
because the Step King
has had it up to here
with the King's bull****!
Brad said a naughty word.
Kids, I'm so sorry you had to hear
that inappropriate language.
Make sure you tell your mother.
Brad, can I talk to you
in the hall, please?
(SIGHS)
Brad, what just happened in there, man?
(WHISPERING) Look, the Step King
should not have
used inappropriate language in front of
the Prince and Princess, he admits that.
Why are you still saying it
like that, Brad?
We're out in the hall.
I don't know. I'm upset.
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- Hold on.
Oh-ho-ho! Hello?
Yeah, Brad's here, he's doing good.
Hey, it's Dr. Francisco.
He wants us all to come in tomorrow.
9:30 work for you?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Yeah,
we'll see you then.
All right, bud. Come on, man.
The doctor will be with you in a moment.
ALL: Thank you.
(SARA GRUNTING)
Hey, Brad, whatever happens
here, I just want you to know
that I'm proud of you for doing your best.
- Okay?
- Thank you.
Hello, hello. Okay.
I'm going to cut right to the chase.
Sara, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
Oh, God. That is a tough break. I'm sorry.
Damn, that is a real shame.
My heart is melting.
Yeah, it's a real shame, Sara.
A real shame that
you're gonna have to put up
with Brad here pounding away on you
over and over,
now that he's got a fighting chance
of getting you pregnant.
- (GASPING)
- What? Oh, my God!
- Holy moly!
- Oh, my God.
Hey, Doc, Doc, don't give them
a false sense of hope.
Remember what you said about
the blood flow and the screwy 'nads?
Yeah, well, Brad has you
to thank for that, Dusty.
Okay, in lab rats,
whenever another alpha male
comes around, it can spike testosterone,
driving up sperm counts.
Now, no guarantees, okay?
But with my help, Brad,
I think you got enough left in the tank
to make it all the way to baby town.
That's so wonderful. Thank you.
- BOTH: Thank you so much.
- Of course.
- Can we give you a hug?
- Oh, yeah. Come on in.
BRAD: Oh, my gosh.
- Did not expect this.
- Mmm...
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
You virile sea snake, you.
- I underestimated you, Brad.
- Yes, you did.
I can finally give Sara everything,
and it feels good.
Now, listen, this is what you need to do.
You need to go and pee outside
the room that Dusty sleeps in.
He's gonna smell your urine and know that
your virility is not to be taken lightly.
It's good advice.
I did it last year in the lobby.
Oh, I remember. It was a health hazard.
It scared the FedEx guy.
No, I'm going to take
the high road on this one.
Okay, fine, take the high road.
But jam a baby up in there
as quickly as you can, Brad.
Because, in the end, if Sara
does choose Dusty over you,
he has to be stepdad to your baby.
- How beautiful is that?
- (LAUGHS)
Come on, five it.
No. You know, it feels strange
to high-five over the custody
of my unborn child.
I've been on Dusty's team.
I'm trying to jump over
to the winning team Brad.
- Get on this.
- I'd really rather not.
I'm trying to share a moment
with you here. Please five me.
It feels... No, thanks.
- Got it!
- Wait. No.
- Sweet.
- It didn't count.
I love you, Brad.
It's not a binding high-five.
Fat beans in there.
- Dusty?
- Brad.
What can I do for you?
Oh, wow, that's some impressive up-downs.
Look, uh,
what you did for Sara and me,
that's a life-changer, and
I just wanted to say thank you.
And I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?
Well, here's the thing.
I mean, you show up,
here's this guy who's cool and exciting.
I guess I felt a little competitive, and
slightly insecure, and I start thinking,
well, maybe you want to challenge me.
But today you proved that
all you really care about
is our family's happiness.
Oh, man.
I'm humbled.
I mean it. And you know what?
You're right. I was challenging you, Brad.
- Yeah?
- The truth?
I see this new man in my kids' life.
He's kind and caring and successful,
and I don't even want to like you.
But I can't help it. I like you, Brad.
Really?
I was determined to push you out
and get my family back.
I was underhanded
and disingenuous about it.
I feel like a monster.
No. No, no, no.
(SIGHS)
At the risk of being disrespectful,
I want you to shut your mouth.
You are allowed
to have those feelings. Okay?
Heck, we're talking about
your own children here, for cripes' sake.
Clean slate?
Absolutely.
Come here.
(SIGHS)
You know what's funny?
You're not even sweating,
after doing all those push-ups.
That's exemplary.
(SIGHS)
Thank you, Dusty.
Thank you, Brad.
Oh, uh...
You know, all that stuff about pushing
me out and taking over my family,
I mean, we're through all that, right?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm here to defeat you
and take back my family.
That can't change.
But now I'll follow your noble example
and do it above board.
Honestly. Like a man. Like you.
But we just hugged. You said you like me.
Oh, I do like you, Brad, very much.
It doesn't make this any easier.
You know I'm gonna have to tell Sara
what you said in here today.
Of course.
It would be irresponsible not to.
She's not gonna like it.
She's gonna want you out.
You're right about that, Brad.
What the hell are you up to?
I just told you what I'm up to.
My head is spinning right now.
Hey, you got any sweet potatoes? Or yams?
Sweet potatoes or yams?
Griff, you know we have yams, all right?
You made me buy them for you.
I wanted to respect
your house by asking you
before I got them.
I didn't want to just go grab yams.
Okay, I appreciate that.
I'm dealing with something.
- Just go get the yams.
- All right.
Here's the thing. You're right, Dusty.
Yeah. I'm not going to tell Sara.
But I'm gonna prove to you
that I'm the best.
You can eat my dust, Dusty.
Christmas already?
Why didn't anybody tell me?
It's not. It's the middle of April.
- Daddy must have done this!
- BRAD: Ho, ho, ho, ho!
No, he didn't. (LAUGHS)
- Brad.
- Ho, ho!
Claus is the name.
Santa Claus, if you please.
But this Brad you speak of called me
all the way up at the North Pole.
He said his children were so sad because
their biological father had missed so many
Christmases and birthdays
and special family holidays,
so he asked me
to come here today so that Dusty
could experience one Christmas
with his kids before he leaves again.
Probably for a long, long time.
Ho, ho, ho!
Can we open presents?
You sure can, little girl.
I think they're from Brad.
In fact, all the presents are from Brad.
Let's see if any of the
presents are from Dusty.
Nope. Not one present from Dusty.
All from Brad.
Hey, kids, let's not forget
who got you a dog. Remember?
Hey, Tumor, quit humping Mrs. Claus!
(GROWLING)
Okay, I am officially worried about you.
Don't worry, Claus hasn't forgotten you.
Huh?
- For me?
- Yeah.
(GASPS)
Oh, my God, honey, it's beautiful.
I love it.
Wait, no! No! No, no. It's too much.
(TUMOR BARKS)
Oh, no, it looks like Tumor's
given away Megan's big gift.
(SCREAMING JOYFULLY)
A pony! A pony! A pony!
I know, it's a pony!
- Ho, ho, ho!
- (CONTINUES SCREAMING)
It's a pony, Dusty! A pony!
Can we name her Princess Elsa?
You can name him whatever you want,
because it's yours!
Brad, how can we afford a pony?
Where are we even going to put that thing?
I can clear out some stable
space in the garage.
Look, it's only half a horse.
Okay? Think of it like
a big dog, only a lot better.
Oh, what's this? What the heck?
It's tickets to tonight's
NBA playoff game...
- What?
- ...against Dylan's favorite team,
the Los Angeles Lakers?
Oh, thanks, Brad! You're the coolest!
I love you, Brad!
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Merry Christmas, Whitaker family!
GRIFF: Christmas?
How long was I asleep for?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
- You guys got enough candy?
- Yeah!
Remember, you can have anything
you want, 'cause it's Christmas!
No, it isn't. It's not Christmas, kids.
- BRAD: All right. Here we are.
- Oh, sick! We're this close?
Yeah. Pretty good, right?
Megan, you sit down right there.
Perfect. Dylan, you sit next to me.
And, Dusty, I'm so sorry. Yeah.
I could only get four in a row.
I couldn't get five.
So you're across the aisle,
next to that gentleman.
All right, guys, I'll be right here.
- We can still chat.
- Bye, Daddy.
Look, there's Kobe! It's him!
He's right there.
Thank you, Brad, this is the best present
I've ever gotten.
- You are so welcome.
- In my whole life.
I'm glad to hear it's the
best present you've ever got!
How much did these seats cost?
Not too much.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give a big welcome
to all the kids from Hearts of Courage.
Whoo! Hearts of Courage kids!
Proud of you, you're all miracles!
Whoo! I love kids!
All right, honey. That's plenty.
I just get excited
when I'm with my family!
Dusty! Dusty Mayron!
- Marco? Hey!
- (MARCO LAUGHS)
What's up, man? Are you coaching now?
Yeah, I'm the new strength
and conditioning coach.
- Oh, man.
- Check you out.
Hey, I played ball with him in Italy.
This is my family. My little guy, Dylan.
He's the biggest Kobe fan in the world.
Really? Well, come on down.
I'll introduce you.
- What?
- What? You hear that?
You want to meet Kobe?
MARCO: Bring the whole family down.
You guys can sit with the team.
Hey, this is my little girl, Megan.
She just invited me to her first
Daddy-Daughter Dance.
- So sweet.
- What did he just say?
What the hell did he just say?
Oh, sorry. He's okay.
No, I'm not okay. He's not okay.
- Honey, you need to calm down.
- No! I'm not gonna calm down.
She asked me first!
And now she's asking him?
No. It's not fair.
You know what, actually, it's very fair.
Okay? She has two dads.
She wants you both there.
You just have to accept that.
No, I'm not going to accept it. All right?
I do pick-up! I do drop-off!
Okay, I volunteer at school!
I listen to the tantrums and the crying
and the soundtrack of Frozen
that's on a goddamn loop all the time!
And he just waltzes in for a few days,
and now he gets to go as well? No!
No, she's got to choose.
It's either me or him!
- Megan, you got to choose!
- (SARA SHUSHING)
- You got to choose!
- SARA: Hey!
It's the biggest decision of your life!
Hey!
You know what? I'm going to pretend
you're not acting like a crazy person,
because I know you're very upset.
But you need to get over yourself. Okay?
Now go down there and
be happy with your kids.
No! A scalper gouged me 18 grand
for these seats. I'm not leaving them!
What?
- (STAMMERING)
- What did you just say?
Yeah. Nothing. Let's just... You're right.
(SIGHS) I'm so much more relaxed now.
Thank you.
Yeah. Let's just go down... Let's just...
No!
I think you should sit
in your $18,000 seats,
and think of all the better ways
your family could have used that money.
Sara.
The guy from the nuclear sub thing?
- Mayron! That's him.
- That's the guy?
Can I get some beers down here?
Can I get five beers?
Excuse me, some beers!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHEERING)
THE WHIP: What's up, everybody?
Let's make some noise!
Whoo-hoo!
Tonight, one lucky fan is going to
get a chance to shoot from half court
to win a family vacation to Disney World!
(ALL CHEERING)
And our lucky fan is sitting in
section 113,
row 6,
C-1. Where is he?
Let's see it. Where is he?
It's me. It's me, I win!
- There he is.
- I win.
I'm-a make it to Disneyland.
I'm-a make it all right.
- All right, Brad!
- Yay, Brad!
Yay, Brad!
All right, sir, how you doing?
What's your name?
First off, I love my kids.
He loves his kids! Let's give it up!
And if anyone was ever
to do anything to them,
- I would hurt them.
- Okay.
I would freakin' hurt them!
THE WHIP: Okay.
This guy over here is trying to take them!
Trying to steal my family.
He doesn't sweat!
Okay, you know what?
Why don't we just shoot...
But I got news for you, buddy!
Last night, while you were sleeping,
I made love to our wife!
- Okay.
- My wife!
BRAD: Sara, right over there!
Took my wiener out of my pants!
This is a family event, okay?
- Boo! Boo!
- All right.
So,
even if Sara does pick you,
you're going to have to be
the stepdad to my kid!
You see how you like it! Okay?
THE WHIP: Let's get somebody else
down here, all right? Somebody else...
Somebody else is going to win
a family trip!
Give me that ball, you.
This one's for Dylan and Megan
and Sara and Dylan.
Nothing but net.
THE WHIP: All right, he's going for it!
Nothing but net!
(GRUNTS)
- (GROANING)
- (ALL GASPING)
Do-over!
- That's a do-over!
- No do-over. No.
It's a do-over!
- (GROANS)
- (ALL GASPING)
(BRAD THUDDING)
(ALL APPLAUDING)
THE WHIP: I'm so sorry
you had to see that. I'm so sorry.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
SARA: Hey, kids, why don't you go inside
and put on your pajamas?
- What are you doing?
- I'm comforting you.
Sara, look... Sorry, too soon. I know.
But I just want you to know
that I'm here for you and the kids.
Oh, really? You want to be
a real parent now? Is that what this is?
Absolutely. I'm here now.
Dusty, I'm working crazy hours this week.
With Brad gone, the kids
are gonna have to be dropped off,
picked up, taken to swimming lessons.
Dylan has a play date with Eli on Tuesday,
and Megan has a dentist
appointment on Friday.
Sara, I know in the past
I've been unreliable,
but this is a new me. All right?
This is the new Dusty.
Well, you can't take them
to school on a motorcycle.
- You need a car.
- Done.
Okay.
Hey! You're not staying here!
Are you sure you don't need
company right now?
I mean, you're going through
a tough transition here.
Be here at 6:30 tomorrow morning.
Well, can I at least
come in and get my stuff?
No!
DUSTY: I'm gonna wait for a while,
in case you change your mind.
(SIGHS)
Hey.
Oh...
What did you throw Griff out for?
- This place is chaotic.
- (SCOFFS)
There's always some bull****
going on in that house.
God, man. Want to go to the Red Roof Inn?
Let's do it.
Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
(MUFFLED) Yes, sir.
DORIS: Okay. No running!
All right. Lindsey! Sloane!
Car's open right down there!
Okay, sir, inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Keep it inside...
That's right! Thank you.
(CAR ENGINE REVVING)
Hi. I see you've been picking up
Megan and Dylan these past few days.
Should I expect you from now on?
Um, yeah, I'm their real dad,
so yeah, from now on.
Terrific. I see that you also haven't
signed up to volunteer in the lane.
Brad was so good about
helping us out in the lane,
in the classroom, PTA, and so forth.
We could always count on him
for bake sales, Spring Sing,
costumes for Winter Pageant.
You know the drill.
I hope I can count on you
to be the new Brad.
Ah, sure, yeah. You can count on me.
I mean, I'm their real dad,
so, yeah, I'll be here every day.
Great. So, if your kids aren't out here,
I'm gonna need you to circle around
to the back of the line. Okay?
- No, I can't go around.
- Thanks.
I came ten minutes early
so I don't have to...
If your kids aren't here,
you have to go around!
I know. There's somebody
in front of me. Okay?
Just go around!
I can't just go over the
cones! I'm boxed in here!
- Go around!
- No, you can't! Okay?
She said stay in the cone, like ice cream!
- (HONKING)
- Go around!
DORIS: Inside the cones!
Amanda has got a recital!
I have to get there! You need to go!
(HORN HONKING CONTINUES)
(REVVING ENGINE)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
- DORIS: Hey!
We always stay inside the cones!
Cones! (GRUNTING)
Cones! Come on!
(MR. HOLT SIGHING)
Have you been living here
for the last few days, Brad?
No.
Then what's with the blankets
and the hot plate
and the B.O.?
I crapped in the wastebasket.
You know, Brad, two years
into my thing with Charlene,
her first husband showed up.
Oriental fellow.
You can't say that.
You cannot say "Oriental."
His name was Yu or Wu.
It could have been Javier.
Anyway, I get off early one day,
get home, and
there he is, stark naked in our bed.
I didn't know what to think.
Really? You didn't know what to think?
Six months later,
I wake up in a Chinese prison
with a tattoo on my lower back
of a golf ball rolling towards my butthole.
I can't hear these stories anymore.
I'm sorry. I know they're
supposed to help...
Griff! What are you doing here?
Thought you should know
Dusty came by the bar earlier.
He was talking about how
he can't do the daddy thing.
I tried to talk some sense into him, but
he seemed determined to get out of town.
What, he's leaving?
I don't think I have to tell you,
but little Megan's dance is tonight,
and she's not going to have a daddy.
That's fantastic. Brad, you win.
And Dusty, because of
an act of cowardice, loses.
I mean, you're the daddy again.
Come on, hit that.
(SIGHS)
No, I'm not her daddy.
I wish more than anything I was,
but I'm not.
Yeah, you're right, Brad. A real dad
wouldn't give up on his kids so easy.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Griff!
Wait!
He's still in the room, Brad.
Oh, hey.
Sorry. I thought you stormed out.
What you said sounded like a storm-out,
and then I heard the door close.
I just thought that ****
was getting kind of personal,
so it'd be good to close the door.
So extremely thoughtful. Thank you. Yeah.
And just so you know where my head was at,
I was going to chase you
down the hallway. Right?
You'd hear my footsteps and you're like,
"Is someone after... What's going on?"
Boom! It's me, and I'm like, "Griff, hey!
"You were right."
Holy ****! That would be so uplifting.
Can we do that?
Griff, can you storm out, and Brad,
you go after him?
I don't really want any part of that.
That sounds like pure nonsense to me.
I don't want... I'd rather not.
We could just try it, you know?
No, that sounds forced and weird to try to
recreate something. Not even recreate.
It would be creating. It didn't happen.
It's over-discussed at this point.
Shouldn't you go see your kid?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.
You guys go. Brad, can I come?
No.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Daddy's not coming, is he?
Oh, honey, he'll be here. He promised.
I see cupcakes over there.
I think you should go eat some. Go on.
Go eat a lot of sugar.
(VIBRATING)
Dusty.
- Nope.
- Come on, Dusty.
Where are you going?
I'd pay a billion dollars
to take her to that dance.
- You're just gonna leave?
- You take her then.
I can't take her. Okay?
I'm not welcome after I said
I was gonna put a spite baby
in her mother.
- I guess that's out, then.
- Yeah, that is out.
- So it's gotta be you.
- (SIGHS)
I'm sorry, Brad,
I just can't do it, all right?
What do you mean, you can't do it?
I can't stay inside the cones.
Look, Dusty, the cones are
there for everyone's safety.
- It's not about the cones.
- You just said it was.
The cones are a metaphor, Brad.
I'm not the domestic type, okay?
Dusty, come on.
What are you talking about?
You're organized, you're handy.
You make the best cinnamon rolls
I have ever tasted.
Those were Cinnabons, Brad. Come on.
You can't make rolls like that
in a conventional oven.
I knew it! I knew it.
I knew it from the beginning!
So you've been telling
some tall tales, huh?
- All that Special Ops stuff.
- No, just the Cinnabons!
Why would you lie about Cinnabons?
'Cause I wanted to win. All right?
I wanted to prove that
I was a good dad, too, but I'm not.
Okay? Are you happy?
Is that what you want to hear?
All the noise and the mess
and all the choices.
You do one thing wrong,
you can screw them up for life.
- Do you realize that?
- Yeah.
Dads have to make a lot of choices, okay?
And we blow most of them.
Yeah, and the other parents.
That kid, Eli. I was over there
for a play date. You know about this?
You can't just ride your bike
over to a friend's house,
to play Hot Wheels anymore,
now you got to make some kind of date?
- I know, it's a shame.
- Well, I'm over there,
and the kid's dad keeps
asking me if Dylan's gonna be
in the gifted program with Eli.
Like Dylan isn't as smart as
his little ball-scratcher kid.
I wanted to murder that smug prick.
Dusty, look, I hate that guy, too, okay?
But his son is Dylan's best friend,
so you suck it up.
(STUTTERING) I mean, that's most of
what dads do, is take ****.
I mean, that's what we do.
I can't do it, Brad.
I can't take **** like you do.
You take **** better than
anyone I've ever met,
and I mean that as a compliment
from the bottom of my heart.
- Thank you.
- But I'm sorry, Brad. I can't.
I can't do it, man.
You made a promise to Megan,
and you're gonna keep it.
Ow!
(GROANING)
Did you just punch me in the face, Brad?
Ow, yes.
Knowing full well I got no choice
but to bust you up now?
I really wish you wouldn't.
If I did, you'd take that beatdown
for those kids, wouldn't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I would.
- Come on.
- Good luck, Dusty.
What? No, no, you gotta come.
It's just... I can't see Sara
after what I said.
Sara loves you, Brad. All right?
I know just what to say to her.
You just stand there
and look lost without her.
- I am lost without her.
- Well, that's good. Then let's go.
- But I look terrible.
- Yeah, you do. Come here.
- What are you doing?
- I'm fixing you up, man.
Dusty, get your hands out of my pants.
Calm down. Think I want to
touch your little dinky?
I'm trying to fix you up.
All right. Let me see.
Wow. I look great.
Here you go.
- That's incredible.
- Come on.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
SARA: Hey, pumpkin.
Daddy wanted to be here,
I know he did. He just gets...
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Uh-oh.
She's doing her arms-folded thing.
You said she'd smile.
Maybe even start a slow clap.
Don't worry, I got this. Okay? Come on.
Oh, hey, look, it's the guy that
stranded his kids at school.
And look who he's with.
Did you get anybody pregnant
on your way over here, Brad?
No, I didn't.
- DUSTY: Sara, listen...
- No!
- Sara, please.
- No. I am not going to listen to you.
You know what? Your daughter's been
sitting there for two hours, heartbroken.
Sara, I am so sorry...
Oh, just, please. Will one of you idiots
just ask your daughter to dance?
- Really?
- SARA: Yes.
Neither one of you deserves her, but yes.
- Go ahead, Dusty.
- No, you take the first one.
You've earned it more than I have.
Dusty, please, she's your daughter.
What the hell did I miss?
I'll tell you what. I'll vouch for you
to the kids and I'll take the first dance.
I'll say my good-byes,
and then I'll get out of your hair.
Wait, wait. When you say
"get out of your hair,"
you mean leave, like leave-leave? Tonight?
Daddy! Brad! The fourth graders are here.
They're picking on Dylan again.
That's it.
Those little ****heads are dead.
Where are they?
DUSTY: Those are the fourth graders?
- They're girls.
- Uh-huh. They're so mean.
Why are you even here at
the Daddy-Daughter Dance?
Are you a daughter? Are you a girl?
Are you too scared to take me on
without your little friends?
- Oh, no, he's calling out the big one.
- Oh-oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
Come on!
Dylan!
- (ALL GASP)
- Yes!
- Dylan, what are you doing?
- Did you see? Did you see?
I punched her in the face,
just like you taught me.
- What?
- And then I kicked her right in the nuts.
You like that, *****? Huh?
- No, no, no!
- You want some more, *****?
Sweetheart, what happened?
What's going on here?
He punched me in the face.
Then he kicked me in the swimsuit area.
Then he called me the "B" word.
Who did, him?
He did. I saw it.
He said they taught him to hit girls.
No, no. We thought
your daughter was a boy.
- What?
- No, what he means is that
Dylan told us that a fourth grader
was picking on him,
but he didn't tell us it was a girl.
Yeah, and if you had, we'd have told you
it's never okay to hit a girl.
And that she's probably only bugging you
because she likes you, buddy.
I do not like him.
Oh, I think she likes him.
Ah, gross, whatever.
She totally does.
Are you calling my daughter a whore?
- What?
- They were implying it, Jerry.
Wait. That's quite a stretch.
Mrs. Troy, please. I got this.
Wait, first of all, which one
of you two is the kid's dad?
They both are.
(GASPS)
Oh, my gosh. Wow!
I'm sorry. That's the first time
he's ever referred to me as Dad.
It's something I've wanted to hear
for a long time, so it's a bit poignant.
I tend to cry a lot
when things get emotional.
They tease me all the time.
- I'm actually the stepdad.
- Oh, is that right?
So you're the real dad, huh!
Hey. You don't want to
embarrass yourself, buddy.
You threatening me now, tough guy?
- He's threatening you, Jerry.
- Nobody's threatening anybody.
But you're gonna want to
back that up, Jerry.
And you, Squidward tie.
Quit being an instigator,
or I'm gonna have to rap you in the mouth.
(YELPS)
Hey, hey, hey. Everyone just calm down.
We're at the Daddy-Daughter Dance.
You stay out of it, all right?
You don't count!
I want to talk to the real dad here.
Hey, Brad here is more of
a real dad than any of us.
You ever want to see how you should be
raising your kids, go look at this guy.
Here I go again. What did I tell you?
- Really? You mean that?
- Yes, I do, Brad.
You're a great dad.
(ALL GASPING)
- Like that?
- You shouldn't have done that.
Yeah? Why?
I'm pretty sure he kills people for a job.
He's been rather vague with me,
but that's what I'm kind of surmising.
- Are we gonna do this?
- DUSTY: Oh, we're gonna do it.
- Okay. You ready?
- DUSTY: Yeah, I'm ready.
- This is what you get.
- MEGAN: Daddy.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Want another one? Come on in.
What's going on?
Is this like some UFC ****?
DUSTY: Come on, Brad.
That's right. It's a dance, Jerry.
Yeah. So dance, Jerry!
Yeah! You just got served, Jerry!
You just got a piping hot serving.
I'm not getting served.
You're getting served!
You don't know this about me, Jerry,
but I like to move my body.
Get it, Brad!
(ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
Yeah! Yeah, Brad!
This is a dance! Let's go!
(ALL CHEERING)
(LAUGHING)
Am I the only one with my shirt off?
You know you can't leave, right?
You want me to stay?
These guys are growing up so fast.
You don't want to miss it.
You're sweating profusely.
- I know. I sweat a lot.
- That's cool.
Thank you.
BRAD: So Dusty did stay.
And with the huge amount of money
he was making as the voice of The Panda,
he built his own new castle
right down the street.
Hey!
But we kept Tumor because he didn't
get along with Dusty's new puppy.
(WHIMPERING)
It turns out Tumor was only five...
- (TUMOR GROWLING)
- ...so we're going to have him
for a long, long time.
- BRAD: Tumor!
- (DOORBELL RINGING)
And I was more than a little surprised
when Dusty showed up one day
with his new wife
and his new stepdaughter.
This is my stepdaughter, Adriana.
- Hey, Adriana. I'm Brad.
- Want to go play?
That's your brother and sister.
You guys play nice, okay?
Hey, hon. Who's at the door?
Oh, hey, Sara. This is my wife, Karen.
Oh, is it... Your wife?
SARA: That Karen, wow, she is so great.
It turns out she's
a doctor and a celebrated
novelist. I mean...
Hon, would you...
- Come here, Griff. Come here, Griff. Oh!
- KAREN: He's so cute.
SARA: And I was so surprised when
I found out that we're the same age.
I mean, she looks so young, right?
Good for her!
Honey, you look amazing tonight.
(LAUGHS) What are you talking about?
It's just my normal clothes.
That's how I look.
I just got ready really fast.
Hey, Griff. Hey, little Griffy.
You want to come to Daddy?
What, you think I'm going to
pick his pockets or something?
- BRAD: No.
- He doesn't carry a wallet.
Oh, sweetie, be careful
with that knife, okay?
You're not my dad.
DUSTY: Brad was right.
Being a stepdad isn't always easy.
But he was also right that it's worth it.
And he was right about the Ford Flex, too.
It's a great family car.
Got plenty of room for the kids,
gear, and plenty of pickup for me.
I got the Weekender package.
A few more bells and whistles than Brad's,
but Brad doesn't need to know that.
(MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING)
(GASPS) Daddy!
Sweetie, I've been waiting for you to...
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
I heard a gulp.
DUSTY: (STAMMERS)
Well, a little bit, maybe.
- BRAD: Sure.
- There you are.
BRAD: He's a lot bigger than you.
He's got legs for arms.
Little star, guess what?
I like him. I like him a lot.
Yeah. I bet you he's
going to like us, too.
- BRAD: Remember, Loving Fence.
- DUSTY: Yeah.
BRAD: Just go say hi.
Yeah, look, I got this, buddy. Watch.
Hey. You must be Roger.
Nope.
(TUNING RADIO)
DUSTY: (SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
JASON SINCLAIR: Caught Kenny G.
At the United Center this weekend.
Man, can that guy put on a show.
20,000 people on their feet
for the entire four hours.
You're listening to Jason Sinclair.
This is The Panda.BRAD: Here's a question for you.
What do kids need more? A father or a dad?
What's the difference?
The way I see it, darn near
anyone can be a father...
(ROARING)
...but not everyone has the patience
or the devotion to be a dad.
As for me...
Anybody caught a Monarch yet?
...I've always wanted to be a dad.
Let me tell you, I love it!
Yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
And I love my Ford Flex.
It treats me to a smooth ride,
and you know what?
It didn't break the bank.
Room enough for the whole family.
Yes, I love being a dad.
And I love these two adorable
little rays of sunshine.
Hey, Dylan! Good morning.
Whatever.
BRAD: Okay. I'm not their real dad.
Good morning, Mr. Whitaker.
- I'm their stepdad.
- Good morning, Megan.
Can you please put this on the fridge?
Well, sure. Did you do
another drawing of our family?
- Uh-huh.
- Huh?
That's me and Dylan and Mommy.
So great.
And over here, far, far away,
is you.
Oh? And am I wearing a baseball cap?
That's the knife in your head
'cause I was killing you in the eye.
Oh, I see.
Well, I love how you drew my hair.
That's poop.
Well, it's well-drawn.
And I'm guessing it's dog poop?
That's homeless man poop.
Oh.
All right. (SIGHING)
BRAD: I actually can't
father my own children,
ever since I hit a little
snafu at a dental office.
(MUFFLED) I've got
a little bit of a gag reflex.
Uh, close your eyes, breathe through
your nose, you'll be fine.
Oh. Okay.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(MACHINE SQUEAKING)
(BEEPS)
Oh, you got a really weird tongue.
You need to floss better.
BRAD: Ever since then, my testicles have
been more decorative than anything else.
Hey!
And I thought I'd never have a family.
Until I met a stunning mom named Sara.
Would you look at her?
I am one lucky so-and-so.
I hit the jackpot.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry I'm taking so long.
I have to show that Sixty West
building to those new clients.
- I know.
- (GASPS)
- Oh, my God! The kids' lunches.
- Already packed. I wrote them
little inspirational notes
to start them on their day.
They've already eaten their breakfasts,
and you look perfect.
You are amazing.
Look at this, huh? Another family drawing.
Oh, no. I am so sorry.
No, I think you're misunderstanding.
This is the first drawing
where I'm not dead already.
Sure, I've got a knife in my eye
and some homeless man poop on my head,
(SIGHING)
but this is showing real progress.
I think she's starting to accept me.
You can find the good
in just about anything.
I love that about you. You know that?
Thanks.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello. I'm home.
Hey.
How was the, uh...
What's wrong?
He won't talk to me.
He said he only wants to talk to you.
You want to talk to me?
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
- You mean me and your mom?
- Mmm-mmm.
- Just me? By myself?
- Mmm-hmm.
Sure. I'm...
I'm totally free. Let's go to the den.
We'll sit there.
We'll sit.
We can do it sitting or standing?
Doesn't matter. We're just gonna do it.
We're not gonna overthink it.
Yeah. Great. Okay, good.
Just the men, yeah.
A little rap session. Great.
(WHISPERING) Oh, my God.
I just want you to know that
I'm just here to listen. All right?
No judgments, no lectures,
just a compassionate ear.
- Well, there are these kids at school...
- Mmm-hmm.
...and they're bigger than me,
because they're fourth graders.
- (SHUTTER CLICKING)
- And...
Oh, was that weird?
I'm sorry, I'm just...
It's a big moment for me,
and I'm just trying to capture it.
It just came off awkward.
So, go ahead, continue telling
your story. Fourth graders.
Anyway, there are
these fourth graders, and...
He actually confided in me.
I mean, it was that father-son feeling
I've been dying for,
and it was even better than
I thought it was gonna be.
(SIGHS) I mean, he really needed me. Me.
That is so great, honey.
He even said not to tell you.
So I'm actually totally betraying
his trust right now. (CHUCKLES)
What are we gonna do about
those little snot-nosed fourth graders?
Oh, I think it's going to be fine.
He's going to try to do some
trust falls on the playground.
Really? You think that's gonna work?
As long as they catch him. Yeah.
Hey, Brad.
Yeah?
If I ask you something,
you promise you won't cry again?
Of course, sweetie. What is it?
Well, at school,
they told us about this thing,
and it's called a Daddy-Daughter Dance.
(GASPING)
So, do you want to go with me?
(SOBBING)
You said you wouldn't cry, Brad.
I'm not. Megan, yes. A million times yes.
I thought big people
weren't supposed to cry.
I think it's sweet that he's
crying like a little *****.
(GASPS) Megan!
You are not supposed
to call people that word.
You know what? It takes a real
man to show his emotions.
(SOBBING LOUDLY)
All right, that's a bit much.
VIZZINI: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
FEZZIK: Anybody want a peanut?
(ALL LAUGHING)
BRAD: We were finally becoming a family.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- I'll get it!
After being pushed away
and treated like an outsider,
I was finally becoming
the dad that I always knew I could...
Daddy!
Hi! Where are you?
Where's Cameroon?
Is that gunfire? Cool!
MEGAN: Daddy, Daddy!
I want to talk to Daddy.
Hi, Daddy.
Good.
- So your ex is calling, huh?
- (SIGHS) Yeah.
What a treat for the kids.
It's been a long time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
We're watching a really funny
movie with Mommy and Brad.
Oh, Brad is Mommy's new husband.
Wait. He doesn't know about me?
Well, I haven't talked to him
in six months.
We've been married eight months.
Brad, Daddy wants to talk to you.
- No! No, no. Don't, don't...
- I'm just going to say hi.
You don't need to do that. Brad, don't.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you, sweetie.
Hello, Dusty?
Super to make your acquaintance.
In fact, I just wish
I could shake your hand
and offer to buy you a cold one.
- Tomorrow?
- What?
BOTH: Daddy's coming! Yay!
Oh, yeah, I guess I could pick you up.
- (WHISPERS) No.
- Hmm?
It's Whitaker.
W-H-I-T-A-K-E-R. (CHUCKLES)
No, I'm not comfortable giving you
my Social Security number over the phone.
Uh, okay, yeah, my credit score is 752.
I'm very proud of that. (CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry? What sort of fighting styles
am I proficient in?
I don't know if I've ever been
asked that before.
Hello, Dusty, hello, hello? Hmm...
I lost him.
What just happened?
Did you just invite him to come here?
Is he coming tomorrow?
Well, I didn't know
he'd accept my offer so soon.
I mean, he really jumped at it.
Remember when I said he was like Jesse
James and Mick Jagger had a baby?
Yeah, I just thought maybe
he was really skinny and
jittery, and had like a little bit
of a British accent, or something.
He's wild and he's crazy.
That's why I fell in love with him.
Then you end up with two kids.
And I'm stuck there holding the bag and
he's nowhere to be found.
It doesn't matter how much love or passion,
or you can't breathe without each other.
All of that stuff is stupid in comparison.
When you have kids,
you have responsibilities.
He doesn't understand that.
Honey, this is actually a good thing.
- (SIGHS)
- I'll welcome Dusty into our home,
and we'll establish some kind
but firm boundaries.
All right? It's what Step-By-Stepdad
calls "setting up a Loving Fence."
A Loving Fence?
Wow, that sounds really great, honey.
But your self-help books
have never met Dusty Mayron.
He sounds like a rascal, but I don't
think it's anything I can't handle.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
PANDA SINGER: Check. Check, check.
Chinese Checkers,
Czech, Czech Republic, pop,
sibilance, sibilance, pop,
one, two, six, seven,
check, check, check, check.
What do you got for me, Brad?
Oh, Mr. Holt, hello. Well, hopefully
the new voice of The Panda.
Oh, listen.
I gotta leave early today. I gotta go
pick up my wife's ex at the airport.
Jesus, kid, how'd you
draw that **** detail?
Brad, why do you want
this deadbeat in your home?
Well, it's not that I want him in my home,
it's just that the better
stepparenting books
say that the worst thing you can do
for the kids is to push out the biological.
You're in the danger zone here,
Brad, and let me tell you why.
Kids that grow up without their dads
always end up obsessing over them.
Most of the hook-ups
that I've had in my adult life
have been with women
that had daddy issues.
I don't know if this is
an appropriate story.
Look, my wife would kill me
if she knew I was telling you this.
Well, then you shouldn't tell me this.
When I met her in Denver...
You're going to tell
the story, aren't you?
...she was a topless maid.
- Ninety-nine bucks an hour.
- Mmm-hmm.
Never met her father.
But who did she meet? Me.
And who did treat her like ****? Me.
I eventually loved her,
but every time she got out of line,
I'd just pull the Humvee over
and ask her to get out politely.
And then I'd drive away.
Guess what?
She showed up at home every time.
This story has no relevance
to my situation.
Oh, it doesn't at all.
It's just a good story.
So, Pete, are we going
to hear this guy, or what?
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
I'm sorry.
Keep it up, Brad.
You and I will fight in the parking lot.
BRAD: So today is the day I'm finally
meeting the father of my children.
Am I nervous? You're darn right I am.
But who wouldn't be? (SIGHS DEEPLY)
And here's the thing.
I mean, Pepe, you know, kids...
...they see through things and,
at the end of the day,
they know who's been around...
Holy balls!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I hope that's not him.
(GULPING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
There is no doubt this man
is your better in every way.
Well, you're kind to say that. Thank you.
Yeah, I feel pretty good.
- Hey, you Dusty?
- Nope.
What?
Are you sure?
Are you Dusty... No, you're not Dusty.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(ON RADIO) You've got
Jason Sinclair on The Panda,
the station everybody
in the office can agree on.
What is this?
Now if you're up in Wolf Trap this weekend,
do yourself a favor and check out...
(DOOR OPENING)
Hey! Where have you been?
I called you like 100 times.
(SIGHS) I know, my phone died. Look...
This motorcycle, is this...
Yes. He's here.
- He's here?
- Yes.
What's he doing inside there?
He's giving the kids
all kinds of Starbursts.
Starbursts? God damn it!
Sorry. Sorry. (EXHALES)
I'm a hot habanero pepper right now.
I got a few bullet points I want to
bring up with our friend Dusty,
starting with airport etiquette,
courtesy and expectation.
MEGAN: Oh, good story, Daddy!
You like that story? It's all true. Hey!
Who wants some more Starbursts and
a couple of uncirculated silver dollars?
So you are Dusty.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I sure am. You must be
the new and improved husband.
Bring it in, big guns.
I already met you at the airport.
No, I don't recall that, friend.
Yeah, I walked right up to you
and asked if you were Dusty.
I'm pretty sure I'd remember
a heavy hitter like yourself.
(SCOFFS)
Well, must have been my mistake.
All right, that was me at the airport.
- Yeah, I know that.
- The truth is,
I saw you before you saw me,
and I'm thinking,
"This is the guy who's raising my kids?"
"And damn it if he doesn't
look like the real deal."
I mean, look at you.
You figured it out, didn't you?
You cracked the code.
(CHUCKLES) I don't know about that.
Don't play that humble game with me.
He is so humble. He's just too humble.
Honey, you got it goin' on.
Everybody says so.
Yeah, I got it goin' way on.
So you can understand
why I panicked at the airport.
- I froze, Brad. I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
Look, these are tricky waters to navigate.
They sure are, man. I mean,
that is insightful.
You know, I thought it was weird Sara
didn't tell me about you before.
I thought, what's she hiding?
And now I know.
A champion.
Hey, Brad! Did you see Dad's motorcycle?
Isn't it cool?
BRAD: It sure is.
What is that, an Indian?
Yep.
I believe they're manufactured
in Minneapolis.
I've never been, but that's the setting
for The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
And... What's the other... Rhoda.
Which I want to say was a spin-off.
Damn! You really know
your bikes, Brad. You ride?
Uh-huh. Yeah!
- Really?
- BRAD: Yeah.
I mean, not anymore. I did, you know,
back in college. I had a, um...
I had a Kawa-saki? Kawasaki Nine.
Yeah.
With the fenders and the...
The broil joint. So...
Well, you should get on her, man. Come on!
Take her out, see what she can do.
She's got a lot of power.
Oh, no, no, no.
Yeah, Brad! Brad... Please!
No. Hey, come on, kids. It's time for bed.
It's way past your bedtime.
Let's brush your teeth.
All right, come on, guys,
listen to your mom. Hey, look...
(STUTTERS) I don't want to overstep, but
it would mean the world to me
if I could tuck in our two little blessings.
Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course.
They're your kids. Tuck away.
Oh, thank you for that, Brad.
The King messed up. He messed up bad.
He thought he could just
ride off to slay dragons,
and his Queen would always be
waiting for him.
And then one day the King received word
that his dominion was being ruled over
by some curly-headed Step King
with good credit?
Oh, no!
Well, the King rode hard up on his lands,
and when he arrived,
he did gaze fondly upon the Queen,
remembering their good times together,
for he had known her in her prime,
when she was down for anything,
and I do mean anything.
Psst...
Sounds like your dad's spinning
quite a yarn. Mind if I listen in?
Oh, actually, it's getting late.
You two need to get some sack time.
BOTH: No, we want more story, please!
Hey, I'd love to be in here all night,
but let's be respectful of Brad's rules,
no matter how arbitrary they seem.
All right?
Good night, my little golden treasures.
Good night, my little magical cherubs.
- Here comes some butterfly kisses.
- (GIGGLING)
And some Eskimo kisses.
Good night, buddy.
Sleep tight. Sleep tight.
Hey, who wants good-night tickles?
- BOTH: Me!
- (DUSTY CHUCKLES)
Good night, my little breath of God.
Good night, my little Jesus teardrop.
I almost forgot, my famous
good-night back scratches.
- Oh, so relaxing, so relaxing.
- (SIGHING)
Good night, sweetie bear.
Hey, who wants twenty bucks?
- BOTH: I do! Me!
- Twenty dollars?
- What?
- Oh, yeah.
One for you, and one for you.
I don't know if that's appropriate.
Ah, don't worry about it.
BRAD: Okay. Good night.
So, uh, if you want to, why don't you
come by tomorrow after school?
Might be a good time to...
What about the cold one?
The cold one?
You promised me
a cold one and a handshake.
Cold one. One cold one, coming up.
Great. I'll grab my jacket,
we'll go outside.
Perfect. All right.
Hey! Psst...
What are you doing?
What are you guys buddies now?
No. I mean, I offered him a cold one.
I really should honor
the cold one promise.
(SIGHS) Fine. You give him a cold one,
and then you get rid of him, okay?
You put up your Loving Fence,
- remember?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Then you come to bed.
- Okay.
- Will do.
- Okay.
DUSTY: What you got going on over here?
Oh, uh, that's a treehouse. A little, uh,
bonding project for Dylan and I.
Yeah, we've been at it
for about two months.
DUSTY: It's looking good.
BRAD: Thank you.
So, Dusty, how long do you think
you're going to be in town for?
Well, Brad, the truth is,
I'm wheels-up a week from tomorrow.
Time to get out there and
kick some ass for America.
Oh, I see. So you're a soldier?
Nope.
Oh, so you're a, uh...
Yep.
Yep, what?
(CHUCKLES) You don't want to know
any more than that, Brad.
Okay.
Um, listen, Dusty, I think that we should
set up a visitation schedule.
Right? That way, you feel like
you have ample time with the children...
Why don't we cut the ****, Brad?
No, we don't have to cut the ****.
You want to know what I'm doing here,
why don't you quit looking at
whatever you wrote on your hand?
Be a man and ask me, Brad.
Okay. What are you doing here?
Now, we both know kids need
a single primary male role model.
Sara's made her choice.
I'm man enough to
let that role model be you.
I will vouch for you with my children.
I will give them my sacred
permission to trust you.
To love you and to
call you Dad.
You'd do that for me?
No.
But I will do it for them.
That is what you want, isn't it, Brad?
More than anything in the world.
He played you.
You just got so played out there.
I know it looks that way, 'cause
I promised I would ask him to leave,
and then I invited him to stay for a week,
but he didn't play me.
You know what he did? He cut the ****.
- Oh, he did?
- And I gotta say, it was refreshing.
I think more of us could stand
to just cut the ****, you know.
- Right.
- In one conversation,
he just blew by
eight chapters in my stepdad book.
I mean, this is gonna be so good
for me and the kids.
Oh, baby, you have no idea
who you're dancing with.
Dusty gets into your head,
- that's what he does.
- (WHIRRING)
(MUFFLED) He has a very impressive,
rugged bravado,
there's no question. But I gotta say,
I think in here, there's
a soft, soft creamy center.
You know? I think he feels a lot.
He just... He needs
someone with this, a big ear.
And I got them. Mmm.
Oh, good morning, Dusty.
- Hey.
- You're up and at 'em.
- (OVEN TIMER DINGS)
- Yeah, I got up early
- and did a quick 20.
- Really?
- Twenty minutes of what?
- Oh, twenty miles.
Did a little light sparring,
then I whipped up
a pan of piping-hot
cinnamon rolls for my family.
And I made one for you, too.
Wow. That's very impressive, thank you.
- DUSTY: Good morning, gang!
- Ooh, it smells yummy!
Our real dad's a super,
super-duper good cook!
- Mmm-hmm.
- Here you go, guys.
Yeah, it looks an awful lot like Cinnabon.
Well, thank you, Brad.
What a nice thing to say.
Mmm, it tastes exactly like Cinnabon!
In fact, same shape,
same swirl, same frosting.
Now you're starting to embarrass me,
but I do appreciate the compliment.
Good morning, Sar-bear!
- Morning.
- Hey, listen, guys,
Brad and I had a talk last night
about the importance of family.
And now that everyone's here,
I wanted to say a few words, okay?
I think that would be great.
Hey, kids, you know, families can be
ever-growing and changing things.
And sometimes someone new
knocks on the door of your heart
and you're not sure if you
have room in there for one more.
But there's someone here now
that I hope you guys can learn to love.
Okay?
(WHISTLING)
- Come here, boy!
- (GROWLING)
BOTH: A doggy! Yay!
You brought a dog home?
Yeah. Is that a problem?
I mean, you seemed
really into it while I was teeing it up.
No, I thought you were talking about me.
- Oh, but you're not a dog, Brad.
- No... (SCOFFS)
Look, last night, when we talked...
Oh, yeah. Well, listen,
that's got to happen organically.
Why can't it happen now?
It just can't.
You're dirty.
SARA: Dusty, how old is that thing?
I'd guess him to be around 15.
I mean, I found him this morning,
living in a storm drain.
I named him Tumor,
because of how much he grows on you.
BOTH: Mommy, can we keep Tumor, please?
Oh, I'm gonna leave this one up to Brad.
BOTH: Please, Brad! Please!
Why is he looking at me like that?
- (GROWLING)
- He's only looking at me.
Maybe we just get a puppy instead?
A puppy, Brad? What are they
going to learn from a puppy?
An old dog like Tumor here's
been out in the world, man. Living free.
Fighting for survival and seeing things
we can only dream of.
Just look at the wisdom
in those cloudy eyes.
Besides, you know what happens
to old dogs at shelters.
He's gonna have to walk the green mile
as soon as he gets there.
No, Brad, no! Don't kill our dog!
I hate you!
Okay. Okay. Fine.
He can live out his few
remaining weeks with us.
Yay! Thanks, Brad.
I don't hate you anymore.
He's going potty!
SARA: Oh, my God.
We'll clean it up. We don't mind.
Look at that.
The dog's already
teaching them responsibility.
Hey, guys, when you got to
pick up the potty, use gloves.
- He's definitely got worms in his poo.
- (BOTH GROANING IN DISGUST)
(SIGHS)
SARA: Dusty!
Can you please move this thing?
I can't get my car out of the garage.
Hey, Brad, do you mind?
I want to grab a quick shower.
Yeah, sure, no problem.
- Hey, honey.
- Hi, sweetie.
It's blocking everything.
No, I know. I know, don't worry.
We're on top of it.
What are you doing? Brad, I don't...
Hey! Stay away from that, please.
(GRUNTS)
Honey, what are you doing?
- (ENGINE REVVING)
- (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
I don't know if that's a good idea, Brad.
Dusty!
It's vibrating up into my shoulders.
Hey, it's okay, Brad.
Look, she's a lot of bike, man.
No, I'm good. Why don't you go
back in and take that shower,
so you can get a shirt on?
Oh, you got it.
Hey, you look good on that, man.
Remember, one down, four up.
Dusty, everyone knows it's one down...
- (SCREAMING)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(CRASHING)
Did Brad just die?
I think we all need to prepare ourselves
for that possibility, pumpkin. Okay?
Brad!
Brad!
- (BRAD GROANING)
- (GASPING)
Oh, my God.
- (COUGHING)
- Brad, are you all right?
No, I'm not all right.
I'm in the wall. I'm scared.
Oh, honey.
Jeez, Brad, I thought you said
you could ride.
I can ride, okay.
Would you get a shirt on?
I think if you could ride, you wouldn't
be stuck in a wall right now, Brad.
SARA:
Yeah. I'm sorry to say it, but he's right.
You almost killed the kids!
DUSTY: Let's not beat up
on Brad here. Okay?
He was showboating for the kids
a little bit, and things got out of hand.
Let's all just be grateful
nobody got hurt. Okay?
I got hurt!
Okay, kids, listen up.
This is a good lesson
on why you never wanna lie
about your ability to do things
you clearly can't do, okay, huh?
I think my arm is stuck in the wall.
DUSTY: Brad, just stay still.
I'll get you out.
No, no, no, no, no. No, don't do anything.
And would you please
just go and get a shirt on?
Just calm down, all right?
- (SARA SCREAMING)
- (GROANING)
Hey, I'm really sorry about
what happened to your car.
Yeah, and I'm sorry about
what happened to your bike.
Oh, no damage. Not a scratch.
- Oh, not even one scratch?
- Unbelievable.
(LAUGHS) That's so good.
(ROOF THUDS)
Let's keep it going! Inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Morning, Jerry.
Got to keep it inside the cones!
No, Daddy! You're supposed
to stay in the cones!
Whoa, whoa! Inside the cones!
- Inside. Bring her in. That's better.
- (SIGHS)
Let's keep those kids safe today, okay?
Thank you, Brad.
Sorry, Doris.
It's okay. This whole drop-off line thing
can be a bit overwhelming
if you're not used to it.
Yeah, well, I've landed a chopper
in the middle of a Cuban prison riot,
Brad, I think I'm good.
(BEEPING)
Bye, guys! I love you guys so much.
Have a great day, okay?
- Bye, Daddy!
- Make sure you do all your work.
Bye, guys. Have the best day.
I love you so...
BRAD: Here's the exciting thing.
We just opened up in our 68th market,
making The Panda America's
number three smooth jazz station.
Wow.
And here it is. My, uh... My little nook.
Wow. Oh, man, I gotta admit,
this is more than I expected.
Wow.
I kind of envy you, Brad.
Oh, stop it.
Ah, it's true. I mean, you're a nice guy,
making a comfortable living,
and the most fantastic woman
in the world loves you dearly.
Really? Thanks for saying that.
I mean it. And that sacrifice
she's making for you... That's true love.
Sacrifice?
Well, sure, Brad.
You know how bad
that girl wants another baby.
She wants another baby?
For her to let that slip away
and marry a man she knew to be barren,
that's true love.
How do you know that I can't...
- Bradley.
- Yes.
Caroline says we're gonna hear some
new voice talent this a.m.?
Yes, sir, in about 15 minutes.
Okay. How'd it go
- with the ****bag ex-husband?
- Uh-uh.
You whip his ass with
that Loving Fence of yours?
(LAUGHS)
Well, actually it's interesting, Mr. Holt,
because I want you to meet Dusty Mayron.
Jesus in the morning.
She was married to him first?
Okay. Let's establish some
ground rules, pretty boy.
- Airborne?
- Huh?
Well, your lapel pin.
101st, that's one hell of a division, sir.
Oh, well, thank you, Dusty.
Are you Airborne?
Oh, no, sir, I'm afraid
I don't share that honor,
but I'm humbled to be in the
presence of anyone who does.
Airborne Division? Those guys love to fly.
Very nice to meet you, sir.
Thank you, thank you.
It's good to meet you.
My pleasure. It's an honor.
Fast friends over there. (CHUCKLES)
That's wonderful.
Come on! No way!
The whole time you're running guns
for the freedom fighters
right under the cartel's noses,
and they never suspected it was you once?
Well, I'm sure they started to suspect
once they were in a ball of fire
the size of four city blocks.
(LAUGHING)
That's great. I love that!
Holy buckets, Brad!
If this guy was my wife's ex,
I'd put a bullet in my skull.
(BOTH LAUGH)
DUSTY: Come on, Leo, cut it out.
Oh, uh... Sir, I think Barry's ready.
You're really going to like this guy.
Okay. Ready to listen.
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
All right. Mmm-hmm.
- You like him, Brad?
- I do.
I do. I mean, I think his voice
has a warm dependability
that all Panda listeners could trust.
What do you think, Duster?
(BRAD LAUGHS)
Does Dusty now work for The Panda?
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm not really into smooth jazz.
I shouldn't comment.
(SCOFFS) Nobody's into smooth jazz.
I'm into smooth jazz.
Of course you are, Brad.
So what do you think, Dusty?
I mean, it just seems a little flaccid.
I think you need a voice with some
virility and hope, that tells listeners,
"Hey! Maybe the next song
won't suck as bad as the last one."
Also, I think a strong ability
to be something like...
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
What...
What just happened?
He sang the tagline.
- Good boy, Tumor!
- (CAR HONKING)
BOTH: Daddy!
DUSTY: Hey!
Oh, perfect timing. Listen to this.
DUSTY ON RADIO: One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
- Is that you?
- Yeah!
SARA: That's you?
Why is that him?
I took him to work, and 15 minutes later
he's the new voice of The Panda.
Hey, you believe that? I record
one take at 9:30 this morning,
it's already run 11 times.
Do I really get 182 bucks
every time they play that?
Yes. Every time, yes.
Ooh! Money.
You see why I love America
even more than most people do?
Hey. What's this?
Just the handyman
I hired off Angie's List.
He's upstairs fixing the damage.
Your wife had to hire a man? For what?
Some framing, a little sheetrock repair,
some masonry and basic window glazing?
Come on, Brad.
We can bang that out tonight.
Yeah.
It's just basic sheetrock glazing
and, you know, little whatamajigs.
Get up there and
get in there and crank it out.
Dusty is pretty good with his hands.
Pretty good with my hands,
Brad, she knows.
Okay. Yeah, I'll just go
up there and I'll...
- Want me to do it? I'll tell him to screw.
- No, no, no, no.
No, no, no. That's okay.
I'll tell him,
- "Guess what, bub?"
- Tell him the men are here.
I'll say that.
I'll say, "The men are here."
- Let's do it.
- I don't want to imply to him
that he's not a man. But I'll just say,
"Hey, the boys are back in town." Right?
(HAMMERING)
Oh, hi.
I'm Brad. Uh... My wife hired you.
Nice to meet you, Brad.
I just came up here to say that you...
That, um, you should have good luck.
Thank you for your wishes of luck.
I'll be downstairs.
Well? What happened?
Oh, you know, I think it's...
He already started,
and I just think it feels wrong.
Why? Because he's black?
No. No, no.
Megan! Dylan!
- What are you doing? Huh?
- Teaching moment.
Guys, what would we call Brad
if he treated someone differently
just because of the color of their skin?
- (BOTH GASP)
- Brad's being racism?
Racist, honey. Brad is a racist.
- Honey.
- No, I mean... But not on purpose.
Is Brad a Klan person?
No. (LAUGHS)
So I'm a racist if I don't fire someone?
Well, yeah, you are.
Yeah, you are.
Sir, you're taking this all wrong.
Right. So you get one look
at the color of my skin,
and all of a sudden you're
Mr. Do It Yourself, huh?
No, not at all. Please, allow me
to pay you for your time and travel.
Don't do me any favors, Paula Deen.
(SIGHS)
I'm not a woman.
You did the right thing.
Boy, it doesn't feel that way.
Let's get cracking.
Where do you keep your tools?
I know where Brad keeps his tools.
In the credenza.
- Yeah.
- You keep your tools
- in the credenza, Brad?
- In the credenza. Mmm-hmm.
Just easier to get to.
- It's convenient.
- Yeah.
(CLATTERING)
This is a tackle box, Brad.
Are we going fishing?
No. Unless you want to go fishing.
What have you got in here?
A hammer, masking tape,
three C batteries and a tampon.
Yeah, well, a tampon's handy for...
Yeah, I know what they're handy for.
So are we not going to fix it?
Well, what do you want from me, Brad?
To buy all the gear we need
would cost more
than just hiring someone
off of Angie's List.
- (GROWLING)
- (GASPS)
And the King, he thought the Step King
seemed okay at first, a little soft, maybe,
but, heck, the Queen needed a meal ticket.
But the more the King learned about him,
the more he doubted the
Step King's ability to lead.
So the King decided
there was only one way to...
Psst... Hey. Good story?
Yeah. The King finally
came back to his castle.
But the evil Step King
wouldn't give him his crown back.
Oh, okay, yeah.
I think I've heard this story before.
Ah, it's a story as old as time, Brad.
Well, you know what? It turns out
the Step King wasn't evil at all.
He was a really good guy.
Fun at parties, great conversationalist,
affable. And he saw
that the beautiful Queen
and perfect Prince and Princess
were all alone, and he came
valiantly to their rescue.
Yeah, but wasn't the Queen sad because
the Step King couldn't give
her an heir to the throne?
Okay, you know what?
Now this is getting personal.
Hey, Brad, come on.
We're just doing fairy tales here.
All right. Well, the Queen wasn't sad,
just for the record. (STUTTERING)
The Step King was pretty sure
she was totally cool with it.
Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm sure the Queen was thrilled. Right?
Right?
Yeah.
Honey,
what's the matter?
Are you still sad about
Dusty finding your tampon?
No. No, I mean,
this is a little embarrassing,
but it's just, I was...
Is there any chance
you still want another baby?
Oh, my God. What, did Dusty say something?
He's just trying to get in your head.
So it's not true then?
Okay. Maybe I did want another baby.
But it's not possible,
given what happened to your...
And I'm not blaming them. I love them.
They are my fuzzy little pals.
You don't have to say that.
They are.
I am 100% happy
with the family that I have.
The only reason I'm putting up with him is
because my kids are so happy to see him.
And I want them to have
a relationship with their father.
You know what?
I can't wait to see his face
when he figures out
how much you really do for his kids.
Yeah. I mean, I'm
involved. I'm emotionally available.
Yeah, you are.
You are darn right.
It's high time Dusty sees
how a real dad does it.
I am fired up!
(SIGHS)
Let's get some shut-eye.
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Hallelujah!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, dudes! Hey, T.J.!
Brad! Look what Dad did!
He finished the treehouse for you!
Hey, hey! B-man!
No, watch out, B!
(BRAD GROANING)
Hey, Brad. Sorry about that.
- You all right?
- (CONTINUES GROANING)
Brad, what do you think, man?
Wow. Pretty cool zipline.
You like that, huh? It's military grade.
You built all this today? With my tools?
Oh, no, you can't build a treehouse
with a tampon, Brad.
No, I had a little bit of help.
Yo, Dylan, PS4 is all hooked up.
- Thanks, Uncle Griff.
- No problem, buddy.
Uncle Griff?
Dude, I went out for a beer last night,
and who's tending bar but our man Griffy?
We get to talking and we just click.
You know what I mean?
He's a great dude, man. He really is.
I know how you feel about him,
but just give him a chance.
All right? He's having
a tough time at home,
and your firing him sure didn't help.
Well, I fired him because you made me!
- I made you?
- Yeah.
Am I in charge around here now?
Is my name on the mortgage?
Last time I checked,
you were the man of the house,
and me and Griffy were just staying here.
- He's not staying here.
- Because he's black?
No, not because of that.
Look, Griffy helped me
knock this out, all right?
So despite any prejudices
that you may or may not have...
I don't have any prejudices.
I said "may or may not."
- Well, it's may not.
- Well, that's good.
Because that's one of the ones I said.
Hey, kids, come on.
Helmets on the half-pipe.
We got to be safe around here.
Wait, half-pipe?
Look, I know it's taking up
a lot of the yard, but it's gonna make
your house the coolest place
in the neighborhood.
I got a sound system, we got
a couple Go-Pros. That's Corey
from Red Bull over there.
Hey, Corey!
You got a sponsor for my backyard?
Hey, Mr. Mayron! You want next?
Nicholas, please, it's Dusty!
And, yes, I do. Brad, watch this run.
I'm gonna dedicate this run
to my future X-Games champs,
Dylan and Megan. This is for you!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(BLOWS)
Looks like you picked
the wrong leisure activity, buddy.
(ALL CHEERING)
Thank you.
- Oh, hey, Sara.
- Hi.
Okay. Who's got next?
BRAD: I do!
Look!
(ALL GASPING)
Some cute little tricks there, Dusty.
(LAUGHS)
Really adorable.
Brad?
Hey, who'd like to see
how we used to do it
back in the empty pools of Encino,
Castaic, Irvine, Long Beach?
Santa Clarita?
Santa Cruz?
Fremont?
Honey, no, please come down.
Oh, I intend to, sister.
Come on, Brad, it hasn't been that long.
Godspeed.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (GRUNTS)
- ALL: Whoa!
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! Brad!
Oh, no, it's best not to touch him.
Wait a second.
What do you mean, don't touch him?
He's in trouble.
Look, I know he's in trouble, okay?
But if there's a problem, who
do you want to be in charge?
You?
Okay. All right, guys,
we have an emergency situation.
And what's the first thing we do? Anybody?
- You! Redhead.
- Call 911.
Close. But wrong.
First thing we do is remain calm.
Yeah, that's good advice.
The 911 operator can't understand you
if you're hysterical, okay?
So let's all take a deep breath.
In for ten...
Are you kidding me right now? Help him!
Hey, that doesn't sound calm, Sara.
Now, please, call 911
and relate to the dispatcher
- what happened calmly, okay?
- Okay, yes.
Anybody know what we do next?
Check for pulse!
Nice! My star pupil! Come on up here.
All right! Okay, two fingers on the neck,
right below the ear.
- Good. You feel a heartbeat?
- Uh-uh.
Okay, now that means that
Brad here is now clinically... Anybody?
- You, Jean Jacket!
- Dead?
Attaboy, Jean Jacket. You're a smart kid.
He is dead.
All right, so what do we do?
Come on, we're losing him here.
Give him C.P.R.?
Yes! That's my girl.
Come on up here, sweetie.
All right! All right, lock your fingers like
this and press down hard right here.
- (GRUNTING)
- Oh, great job, sweetheart.
Dusty, hurry!
Okay, I'm going to go ahead
and take this one.
Okay? Watch closely now.
If you do your
chest compressions properly,
it shouldn't take long. Clear out, guys.
(WHIRRING)
(GASPING)
- I got him! I got him!
- (COUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING)
My dad can bring people
back from the dead!
(GROANING)
Mr. Whitaker's a zombie!
(MUTTERING)
Look, I'm okay, really.
I just got a little jolt.
You got a little killed
is what you got, Brad.
We thought we lost you.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I just got tired of being
the lame stepdad.
All the kids think he's Superman.
Well, now you know how I felt.
I always had to be the bad guy mom,
giving out the carrots
and the punishments,
and he would breeze in
from God only knows where
and get to be the cool, fun dad.
Honey. Look. (SIGHS)
I'll talk to him, okay?
I'll tell him to get his stuff
and get over to the Red Roof Inn. Pronto.
Great.
(TV PLAYING)
Wait. Prince Hans is actually the bad guy?
Man, I didn't see that coming at all.
He seemed like he really loved Anna.
MEGAN: I hate Prince Hans.
Dusty.
- Hey, how you feeling, Sparky?
- (CHUCKLES)
Sparky. That's hilarious.
DUSTY: Brad, have you seen this movie?
It's unbelievable, man.
There's these two sisters,
one of them has ice powers.
Yeah, I'm familiar with Frozen.
Listen, Dusty, I need to talk to you now.
I can't talk now, Brad.
Just pause the movie!
Can you guys talk out there, please?
Griff, man. You gotta pause it, man.
No! I don't want to ruin the momentum.
He won't... Dude, if another song
comes on, you got to pause it. Okay?
Am I supposed to pause my emotions?
Just pause the song, man.
What's up? What's up?
What's going on, Brad?
- This shouldn't take long.
- Okay, good.
Listen, um, I just think
that you're being here...
Yeah. No problem.
...and now there's Griff here,
it's presenting some obstacles...
(SOBBING)
Stupid helmet!
Honey, what happened?
They pushed me off my bike again!
- I'm so sick of it!
- (CLATTERING)
I want them dead, Brad. All right?
I want their parents dead.
And if they don't have parents, I want
their primary caregivers dead.
Do you understand me?
- Okay, okay.
- He's okay.
Megan's upstairs playing with him.
I am so pissed about this.
Was it the fourth graders again?
Fourth graders?
What, you knew about this, Brad?
Yeah. Dylan asked to speak
specifically to me about it.
- Really?
- So, we role-played
some conflict resolution dialogue.
Are you being serious right now, Brad?
What you need to be teaching him
is some ass-beating resolution.
Damn straight. You got to
make a statement. Set a tone.
It's kind of a family matter over here.
No, Dusty and Griff are right.
Those little punks need
their butts whooped.
Hey, you got any Miracle Whip?
Yeah, it's behind the... (SIGHS)
Here. Hold on. Let me just get it for you.
Guys, I know we're upset right now,
but here's the thing.
Violence never solved anything.
Hey, check your history books, buddy.
Almost everything is solved by violence.
There are better ways.
Okay. Name one. Besides dialoguing.
- Name one?
- Name one!
- What do you mean, name one?
- You said you could
solve problems with
things other than fighting.
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
Well, you said you knew!
You act like you knew!
- Fine, yes!
- What?
Dancing! Dancing.
Did you... Did you just say dancing, Brad?
It's very popular in youth culture
to resolve conflict through dancing.
They step up to each other and get served
by crunking, or popping and locking.
They call each other out, they take turns,
and it is no less intense
than a classic street brawl.
But, at the end of the day, no one's hurt.
And it's a great aerobic workout.
He's flailing a bit,
but he has a good point.
There's a rich history
of dance battles in film.
- You got Breakin' 1...
- I didn't even think of this.
...Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.
One of the rare cases
where the sequel was better
- than the original.
- Much better.
You got Step Up, Stomp the Yard.
He makes a solid point.
Honey, are you telling us that we
should teach Dylan to dance?
(SIGHS) No, I'm just saying that
teaching him to fight isn't the answer.
Okay, but maybe teaching him
to fight back isn't so bad?
BRAD: Okay.
There we go. Perfect.
That's good, right there.
Yeah. A lot of protection.
All right, Dylan. You ready, buddy?
- I guess.
- Oh, you're ready.
Brad, Griff. You guys be
the fourth graders.
- I'll be Dylan.
- Okay.
All right. Hey, buddy, the first thing you
want to do is call out the biggest one.
Hey! What's the matter?
You too much of a pussy to take me on
without your little *****es to back you up?
Wow. Okay, yes.
That cut right through me, there.
I'm filled with inner shame right now.
Saying to myself,
"Gosh, maybe I'm not behaving
"100% the way I want to."
Right? Is that same page?
No. What the kid's gonna think
is, "Now I can beat your ass
"all on my own." But now
you only got one bully to contend with.
Now bullies always open up
with some shoving first.
- Watch. Brad, give me a little shove.
- All right.
(YELPS)
Whoa, I didn't connect there, did I?
No. It was really close, though.
See what I did, buddy?
I turned my body just enough
to let his weight bring him in,
then I came right down Broadway.
- I'm not gonna hit you.
- Oh.
- Okay, relax. Okay?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Bam!
- (ALL GASP)
It's called the element of surprise.
Then you start punking his ass!
You want some more of that, *****, huh?
You like that, *****?
All right. Do we really
need to use that word?
- No.
- Honey, yes.
Unfortunately, we do. I'm sorry.
You have to make him a *****.
It's a fundamental step in
destroying a bully's psyche.
Now stay down, *****!
Then you kick that kid right in the nuts!
Kick him in the nuts, Dylan!
Wait! I thought you were in my gang.
Yeah, but once Dylan tuned you up,
I switched sides.
What do you think happens
out there on the playground, Brad?
All right, now come on, buddy.
It's your turn. All right?
I'll be the fourth grader.
Can I just go inside already, please?
Hey, buddy come on, this is easy.
You can do this.
I said, no! I don't like this stuff.
I'll just stay away from them
from now on. Mom?
Okay, come here, buddy.
- Come on. It's all right.
- Brad.
Help me out here. Come on.
Hey, wait.
Pal, listen...
I know what it's like
to be afraid to go to school.
Okay? When I was your age,
this group of older kids
started picking on me.
I ran and I cried
underneath the bleachers.
They bothered me every day,
because they knew
I was too afraid to face them.
Until one day, I'd had enough.
And I socked Jesse Hubbard
right in the nose.
Really? And they left you alone?
Damn right they did.
Brad. (SOFTLY) That was good.
Come here, buddy.
Hey, I'm proud of you. All right?
Now, look at me. I want you to punch them
right in the Adam's apple. Okay?
I want you to shatter their throat.
Hold on, hold on.
I'm sorry. Look, I'm having
a pang of guilt right now.
Full disclosure. Some of the elements
of my story weren't exactly true.
Um, the incessant crying, 100% true.
The constant bullying, absolutely,
it all happened, but I, uh...
I've never punched anyone in my life.
I could have told you that.
- Then what did you do?
- Yeah, what did you do?
Well, nothing at all.
In fact, sixth grade was so rough,
I changed my name to Devin Lacecock.
Why the hell would you tell him that?
I pretended to be blind for an entire
school year, just to elicit empathy.
Which was great until
they found me intently watching
an episode of MASH.
In fact, it got so bad,
my parents had to refinance
our house to put me in private school.
Let's just do that.
Can I go to private school, please?
No, Dylan, we can't do that.
Want to know why?
Because ever since that day,
I've always run away from conflict.
In fact, if I had a dad like Dusty
when I was your age, maybe
he could have taught me
how to stand up for myself.
So, wait. You're saying,
if I don't stick up for myself now,
I'll grow up to be a huge wussy like you?
Um, yes. That is the basic
gist of what I'm saying. Yes.
Okay. Then let's do this.
DUSTY: Come on, buddy, you got this.
Give me something. Come on.
Faster, harder, meaner, stronger.
You're fast, you're good.
You're a winner. You're a champion.
They got to let you off the leash, baby.
We got a little pit bull here.
That was really nice, you guys. Good job.
It was really fun to watch
the two of you working together
like a couple of great co-dads.
Yeah.
Co-dads. That's...
That's good stuff.
You know what?
In that same spirit of unity,
I want to show my gratitude
for your inviting me
to stay here and share moments like these.
Oh, about that, Dusty.
When I pulled you over there, actually...
No, what you've done here
does not go unnoticed.
And I repay my debts.
Look, Sara, I know how much
you want another child.
I think I can help
put a baby in there for you.
- Oh, my God!
- What are you saying?
- I mean I got a guy.
- Dusty, please! You got a guy?
Yes, I got a guy. A fertility doctor.
He's a buddy of mine.
I trained him for his first Ironman.
All right? Dr. Francisco is the real deal.
- Dr. Emilio Francisco?
- You've heard of him?
Oh, my God, yeah.
He's been on Dr. Oz like 10 times.
Yeah, he's one of the top five reproductive
endocrinologists in the country.
See? People wait years
to get an appointment with this guy.
Do you really think he would see us?
- Whoa, whoa, hold on.
- I know he would.
If anybody can help you
have a baby, he can.
Mommy's going to have a baby?
Cool! Can we name it Griff?
Oh, thanks, D-man.
Look, you guys,
I don't know if this is a good idea.
What, you don't wanna name your baby
after a black person?
- Is that it?
- No!
You probably want to name it something
really white, like Connor or Gordon.
Harland, or Scot with one T. Or Brad.
No, no, Griff is a lovely name.
I'm just saying,
I don't think it's a good
idea to get our hopes up,
because, in the end,
odds are, I'm going to let you down.
Okay, honey, but what if I promise,
promise, promise not to get my hopes up?
We could just try, right? It can't hurt.
Okay, sure.
But you can't get your hopes up.
No. I won't, I won't! Thank you!
I feel like you've already
gotten your hopes up.
- Where are you going?
- Nowhere!
- You calling your mother?
- No!
Okay, yes, but it's about something else.
It's not about something else.
Damn it, Brad, he set you up.
He used this fancy doctor
to get your wife back on the baby train.
When those test results come back
and prove that you can't give her a baby,
guess who's gonna be waiting
there cocked and loaded?
Well, I trust my wife, so we really don't
need to keep talking about it, okay?
Let me tell you a little story, Brad.
When Jeneane, my fourth, and I
were returning from our honeymoon,
she told me that
she had a 23-year-old kid.
Brazilian boy.
Said she had him real young.
So he moves in with us.
Doesn't speak a lick of English.
There are the usual tensions.
I try to assert my authority.
"Andreas, get your feet
off the furniture."
"Andreas, you're too old
to sleep in bed with Mommy."
"Andreas, you got to stay off the 'roids."
And he'd get mad,
and hit me with a car antenna.
Eh... Maybe that's the way kids are.
No. Not really.
So I adopt him,
help him get his citizenship.
The second the papers come through,
guess what happens?
I already know.
Bam! They shack up together in Barstow.
It turns out Andreas
- is her boyfriend, Brad.
- Mmm-hmm.
I did not see it coming.
I actually did, about one,
two words into your story.
The moral of this fable is,
it's good to know when you're beaten.
- You know I think the world of you, Brad.
- Thank you.
But if I'm being completely honest,
even I'm rooting for Dusty.
He's just so damn likeable.
You know, it's getting kind of late.
Shouldn't we just get back to work?
Okay, you win.
So where are we on The Panda Jam
numbers for next summer?
London, you still on the conference call?
Dusty Mayron, you crazy hijo de puta!
- (LAUGHS) Hey, what's up, Doc?
- (EXCLAIMING)
You look great, man. You still
rocking those Ironmans, huh?
Yeah, bro.
I just finished Brazil in 11:40.
- That's unbelievable.
- Yeah. Well, come on.
Ain't nothing on you, man.
Hey, my first race,
I'm limping across the finish line
when this ******* laps me.
I mean, come on, who wins an Ironman,
then decides to go around again?
Who does that?
It sounds exhausting.
Hey, I'm Dr. Francisco. You must be Sara.
Hi. (LAUGHS)
Dusty, you were not lying
about this one. Very nice.
And you weren't lying
about this one either.
You must be Chief Glowing Sack.
What? (LAUGHS)
Hey, come on,
I'm just lighting you up, man.
Come on, little hug.
Okay, come on back, y'all.
Let's take a look.
All right. So let's run it down.
I think we can safely say that your issue
has nothing to do with X-rays.
You know what, sweetheart, come here.
Let's see that pretty little hand.
Okay. Now put it right in here.
- Oh!
- Okay, you feel that?
- Yeah.
- Okay, that is not how you want
testicles to be shaped.
Really? It feels like all the other...
Hi.
Well, it cuts off blood flow, okay?
Limits potency.
You want them to...
You know what? Actually...
- Hey, Dusty!
- Hey.
- Why is he coming in here?
- Little help in here, please.
Oh, come on. You gotta put me
through this every time?
- Come on. Be a sport.
- All right.
Oh, my God! What are you doing?
Is this even ethical?
(GASPS) James and the Giant Peach.
(GULPS)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
It's okay, I gulp every time.
You see, this... This is what you want.
Plump and bulbous.
Glassy smooth, like
two Patrick Stewarts,
you know what I mean?
Don't embarrass me in front
of Sara like this anymore, okay?
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, sorry, bro.
So, ready to milk the cow,
see if we even got a sliver of hope here?
Hey, Dusty, come on, buddy. Want to
try to break your own record?
Oh, no, I'm good.
DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, come on, man.
I'm doing you a favor here.
Give me something to brag
about at the next symposium.
All right, fine. You want to break
the record, I gotta break the record.
(LAUGHS) Yeah. Kid came to play.
Should I grab a big cup, too?
What? Stop screwing around.
Come on. We're burning daylight here.
(DOOR OPENS)
(WOMEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
(SIGHS)
(ALL GASPING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hello. Quick question.
How difficult would it be
for someone to whip up
a batch of your Cinnabons?
Would you need restaurant-grade ovens?
Bradsky. Could you
pass this along to Dusty?
It's his first resids check.
Disclaimer. It's more than you make.
- Don't get worried about it.
- How much more than...
Oh, and tell him, 8:30 sharp at my house.
He doesn't need to bring anything.
All right, buddy?
I've never been to your house.
No, you haven't.
SARA: Oh, my God, my hair, it looks awful.
Doesn't Mommy's hair look pretty?
- No. Next slide, please.
- DUSTY: Oh, okay.
- Slides. Fun.
- DUSTY: Aw...
Cool. You guys climbed that?
Yuck. Why are you guys kissing
in every single picture?
Oh, Mommy used to kiss Daddy a lot.
SARA: Married people kiss a lot.
DUSTY: Ready?
Wow, China.
I loved it there.
Dylan, you were created right
there on that wall, buddy.
- Really?
- Dusty, that's enough.
- DUSTY: Okay, next slide.
- (SARA LAUGHS)
That's where your mom and I met,
doing The King and I in summer stock.
SARA: God, that costume was so tight.
(LAUGHS)
Next slide, please.
Oh, my God.
- MEGAN: Is that baby me?
- SARA: Mmm-hmm.
All right, you guys, let's,
um, get ready for bed.
- Okay?
- DUSTY: It's story time, Mayron family!
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
MEGAN: We don't have to wait
for Mr. Whitaker, do we?
I really don't like you,
but that **** is heartbreaking.
(DOOR CLOSING)
MEGAN: Yay! Griff's home!
So the King raised his mighty sword
and rained steel down upon the Step King.
But the Step King
blocked it with his shield.
And swung his cat o'nine tails
into the King's smug face.
Which the King easily brushed aside
like the feather of a gull.
And then the King did counter
with a barrage of slashes
and thrusts so fast and precise
that the Step King had no way to parry.
BOTH: Yay!
But he did. He did.
He parried all of them.
- Easily. It was no big deal.
- BOTH: Aw.
Then he grabbed the King's
sword right out of his hand
and smashed it over his knee.
BOTH: Boo!
That's when the King pulled out
a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!
Which is completely anachronistic.
So if we're doing any time period,
then the Step King just happened to be
wearing Kevlar body armor.
- Concussion grenade!
- Hand grenade.
- Rocket launcher.
- Missile launcher.
- Air strike.
- Nuclear strike.
- Black hole.
- God.
We know what this comes down to.
The Step King was very upset
because when the real King
pulled out his sword,
it was long and shiny,
and the Step King
did shudder at the size of it.
And while the Step King acknowledged
that the King carried a mighty,
beautifully engraved broadsword,
all the maidens in the land
preferred the more average-sized
Step King's sword because
it knew how to listen.
- (SCOFFS)
- And the King needs to realize
he's a guest in his castle
and he better mind his P's and Q's
because the Step King
has had it up to here
with the King's bull****!
Brad said a naughty word.
Kids, I'm so sorry you had to hear
that inappropriate language.
Make sure you tell your mother.
Brad, can I talk to you
in the hall, please?
(SIGHS)
Brad, what just happened in there, man?
(WHISPERING) Look, the Step King
should not have
used inappropriate language in front of
the Prince and Princess, he admits that.
Why are you still saying it
like that, Brad?
We're out in the hall.
I don't know. I'm upset.
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- Hold on.
Oh-ho-ho! Hello?
Yeah, Brad's here, he's doing good.
Hey, it's Dr. Francisco.
He wants us all to come in tomorrow.
9:30 work for you?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Yeah,
we'll see you then.
All right, bud. Come on, man.
The doctor will be with you in a moment.
ALL: Thank you.
(SARA GRUNTING)
Hey, Brad, whatever happens
here, I just want you to know
that I'm proud of you for doing your best.
- Okay?
- Thank you.
Hello, hello. Okay.
I'm going to cut right to the chase.
Sara, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
Oh, God. That is a tough break. I'm sorry.
Damn, that is a real shame.
My heart is melting.
Yeah, it's a real shame, Sara.
A real shame that
you're gonna have to put up
with Brad here pounding away on you
over and over,
now that he's got a fighting chance
of getting you pregnant.
- (GASPING)
- What? Oh, my God!
- Holy moly!
- Oh, my God.
Hey, Doc, Doc, don't give them
a false sense of hope.
Remember what you said about
the blood flow and the screwy 'nads?
Yeah, well, Brad has you
to thank for that, Dusty.
Okay, in lab rats,
whenever another alpha male
comes around, it can spike testosterone,
driving up sperm counts.
Now, no guarantees, okay?
But with my help, Brad,
I think you got enough left in the tank
to make it all the way to baby town.
That's so wonderful. Thank you.
- BOTH: Thank you so much.
- Of course.
- Can we give you a hug?
- Oh, yeah. Come on in.
BRAD: Oh, my gosh.
- Did not expect this.
- Mmm...
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
You virile sea snake, you.
- I underestimated you, Brad.
- Yes, you did.
I can finally give Sara everything,
and it feels good.
Now, listen, this is what you need to do.
You need to go and pee outside
the room that Dusty sleeps in.
He's gonna smell your urine and know that
your virility is not to be taken lightly.
It's good advice.
I did it last year in the lobby.
Oh, I remember. It was a health hazard.
It scared the FedEx guy.
No, I'm going to take
the high road on this one.
Okay, fine, take the high road.
But jam a baby up in there
as quickly as you can, Brad.
Because, in the end, if Sara
does choose Dusty over you,
he has to be stepdad to your baby.
- How beautiful is that?
- (LAUGHS)
Come on, five it.
No. You know, it feels strange
to high-five over the custody
of my unborn child.
I've been on Dusty's team.
I'm trying to jump over
to the winning team Brad.
- Get on this.
- I'd really rather not.
I'm trying to share a moment
with you here. Please five me.
It feels... No, thanks.
- Got it!
- Wait. No.
- Sweet.
- It didn't count.
I love you, Brad.
It's not a binding high-five.
Fat beans in there.
- Dusty?
- Brad.
What can I do for you?
Oh, wow, that's some impressive up-downs.
Look, uh,
what you did for Sara and me,
that's a life-changer, and
I just wanted to say thank you.
And I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?
Well, here's the thing.
I mean, you show up,
here's this guy who's cool and exciting.
I guess I felt a little competitive, and
slightly insecure, and I start thinking,
well, maybe you want to challenge me.
But today you proved that
all you really care about
is our family's happiness.
Oh, man.
I'm humbled.
I mean it. And you know what?
You're right. I was challenging you, Brad.
- Yeah?
- The truth?
I see this new man in my kids' life.
He's kind and caring and successful,
and I don't even want to like you.
But I can't help it. I like you, Brad.
Really?
I was determined to push you out
and get my family back.
I was underhanded
and disingenuous about it.
I feel like a monster.
No. No, no, no.
(SIGHS)
At the risk of being disrespectful,
I want you to shut your mouth.
You are allowed
to have those feelings. Okay?
Heck, we're talking about
your own children here, for cripes' sake.
Clean slate?
Absolutely.
Come here.
(SIGHS)
You know what's funny?
You're not even sweating,
after doing all those push-ups.
That's exemplary.
(SIGHS)
Thank you, Dusty.
Thank you, Brad.
Oh, uh...
You know, all that stuff about pushing
me out and taking over my family,
I mean, we're through all that, right?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm here to defeat you
and take back my family.
That can't change.
But now I'll follow your noble example
and do it above board.
Honestly. Like a man. Like you.
But we just hugged. You said you like me.
Oh, I do like you, Brad, very much.
It doesn't make this any easier.
You know I'm gonna have to tell Sara
what you said in here today.
Of course.
It would be irresponsible not to.
She's not gonna like it.
She's gonna want you out.
You're right about that, Brad.
What the hell are you up to?
I just told you what I'm up to.
My head is spinning right now.
Hey, you got any sweet potatoes? Or yams?
Sweet potatoes or yams?
Griff, you know we have yams, all right?
You made me buy them for you.
I wanted to respect
your house by asking you
before I got them.
I didn't want to just go grab yams.
Okay, I appreciate that.
I'm dealing with something.
- Just go get the yams.
- All right.
Here's the thing. You're right, Dusty.
Yeah. I'm not going to tell Sara.
But I'm gonna prove to you
that I'm the best.
You can eat my dust, Dusty.
Christmas already?
Why didn't anybody tell me?
It's not. It's the middle of April.
- Daddy must have done this!
- BRAD: Ho, ho, ho, ho!
No, he didn't. (LAUGHS)
- Brad.
- Ho, ho!
Claus is the name.
Santa Claus, if you please.
But this Brad you speak of called me
all the way up at the North Pole.
He said his children were so sad because
their biological father had missed so many
Christmases and birthdays
and special family holidays,
so he asked me
to come here today so that Dusty
could experience one Christmas
with his kids before he leaves again.
Probably for a long, long time.
Ho, ho, ho!
Can we open presents?
You sure can, little girl.
I think they're from Brad.
In fact, all the presents are from Brad.
Let's see if any of the
presents are from Dusty.
Nope. Not one present from Dusty.
All from Brad.
Hey, kids, let's not forget
who got you a dog. Remember?
Hey, Tumor, quit humping Mrs. Claus!
(GROWLING)
Okay, I am officially worried about you.
Don't worry, Claus hasn't forgotten you.
Huh?
- For me?
- Yeah.
(GASPS)
Oh, my God, honey, it's beautiful.
I love it.
Wait, no! No! No, no. It's too much.
(TUMOR BARKS)
Oh, no, it looks like Tumor's
given away Megan's big gift.
(SCREAMING JOYFULLY)
A pony! A pony! A pony!
I know, it's a pony!
- Ho, ho, ho!
- (CONTINUES SCREAMING)
It's a pony, Dusty! A pony!
Can we name her Princess Elsa?
You can name him whatever you want,
because it's yours!
Brad, how can we afford a pony?
Where are we even going to put that thing?
I can clear out some stable
space in the garage.
Look, it's only half a horse.
Okay? Think of it like
a big dog, only a lot better.
Oh, what's this? What the heck?
It's tickets to tonight's
NBA playoff game...
- What?
- ...against Dylan's favorite team,
the Los Angeles Lakers?
Oh, thanks, Brad! You're the coolest!
I love you, Brad!
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Merry Christmas, Whitaker family!
GRIFF: Christmas?
How long was I asleep for?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
- You guys got enough candy?
- Yeah!
Remember, you can have anything
you want, 'cause it's Christmas!
No, it isn't. It's not Christmas, kids.
- BRAD: All right. Here we are.
- Oh, sick! We're this close?
Yeah. Pretty good, right?
Megan, you sit down right there.
Perfect. Dylan, you sit next to me.
And, Dusty, I'm so sorry. Yeah.
I could only get four in a row.
I couldn't get five.
So you're across the aisle,
next to that gentleman.
All right, guys, I'll be right here.
- We can still chat.
- Bye, Daddy.
Look, there's Kobe! It's him!
He's right there.
Thank you, Brad, this is the best present
I've ever gotten.
- You are so welcome.
- In my whole life.
I'm glad to hear it's the
best present you've ever got!
How much did these seats cost?
Not too much.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give a big welcome
to all the kids from Hearts of Courage.
Whoo! Hearts of Courage kids!
Proud of you, you're all miracles!
Whoo! I love kids!
All right, honey. That's plenty.
I just get excited
when I'm with my family!
Dusty! Dusty Mayron!
- Marco? Hey!
- (MARCO LAUGHS)
What's up, man? Are you coaching now?
Yeah, I'm the new strength
and conditioning coach.
- Oh, man.
- Check you out.
Hey, I played ball with him in Italy.
This is my family. My little guy, Dylan.
He's the biggest Kobe fan in the world.
Really? Well, come on down.
I'll introduce you.
- What?
- What? You hear that?
You want to meet Kobe?
MARCO: Bring the whole family down.
You guys can sit with the team.
Hey, this is my little girl, Megan.
She just invited me to her first
Daddy-Daughter Dance.
- So sweet.
- What did he just say?
What the hell did he just say?
Oh, sorry. He's okay.
No, I'm not okay. He's not okay.
- Honey, you need to calm down.
- No! I'm not gonna calm down.
She asked me first!
And now she's asking him?
No. It's not fair.
You know what, actually, it's very fair.
Okay? She has two dads.
She wants you both there.
You just have to accept that.
No, I'm not going to accept it. All right?
I do pick-up! I do drop-off!
Okay, I volunteer at school!
I listen to the tantrums and the crying
and the soundtrack of Frozen
that's on a goddamn loop all the time!
And he just waltzes in for a few days,
and now he gets to go as well? No!
No, she's got to choose.
It's either me or him!
- Megan, you got to choose!
- (SARA SHUSHING)
- You got to choose!
- SARA: Hey!
It's the biggest decision of your life!
Hey!
You know what? I'm going to pretend
you're not acting like a crazy person,
because I know you're very upset.
But you need to get over yourself. Okay?
Now go down there and
be happy with your kids.
No! A scalper gouged me 18 grand
for these seats. I'm not leaving them!
What?
- (STAMMERING)
- What did you just say?
Yeah. Nothing. Let's just... You're right.
(SIGHS) I'm so much more relaxed now.
Thank you.
Yeah. Let's just go down... Let's just...
No!
I think you should sit
in your $18,000 seats,
and think of all the better ways
your family could have used that money.
Sara.
The guy from the nuclear sub thing?
- Mayron! That's him.
- That's the guy?
Can I get some beers down here?
Can I get five beers?
Excuse me, some beers!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHEERING)
THE WHIP: What's up, everybody?
Let's make some noise!
Whoo-hoo!
Tonight, one lucky fan is going to
get a chance to shoot from half court
to win a family vacation to Disney World!
(ALL CHEERING)
And our lucky fan is sitting in
section 113,
row 6,
C-1. Where is he?
Let's see it. Where is he?
It's me. It's me, I win!
- There he is.
- I win.
I'm-a make it to Disneyland.
I'm-a make it all right.
- All right, Brad!
- Yay, Brad!
Yay, Brad!
All right, sir, how you doing?
What's your name?
First off, I love my kids.
He loves his kids! Let's give it up!
And if anyone was ever
to do anything to them,
- I would hurt them.
- Okay.
I would freakin' hurt them!
THE WHIP: Okay.
This guy over here is trying to take them!
Trying to steal my family.
He doesn't sweat!
Okay, you know what?
Why don't we just shoot...
But I got news for you, buddy!
Last night, while you were sleeping,
I made love to our wife!
- Okay.
- My wife!
BRAD: Sara, right over there!
Took my wiener out of my pants!
This is a family event, okay?
- Boo! Boo!
- All right.
So,
even if Sara does pick you,
you're going to have to be
the stepdad to my kid!
You see how you like it! Okay?
THE WHIP: Let's get somebody else
down here, all right? Somebody else...
Somebody else is going to win
a family trip!
Give me that ball, you.
This one's for Dylan and Megan
and Sara and Dylan.
Nothing but net.
THE WHIP: All right, he's going for it!
Nothing but net!
(GRUNTS)
- (GROANING)
- (ALL GASPING)
Do-over!
- That's a do-over!
- No do-over. No.
It's a do-over!
- (GROANS)
- (ALL GASPING)
(BRAD THUDDING)
(ALL APPLAUDING)
THE WHIP: I'm so sorry
you had to see that. I'm so sorry.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
SARA: Hey, kids, why don't you go inside
and put on your pajamas?
- What are you doing?
- I'm comforting you.
Sara, look... Sorry, too soon. I know.
But I just want you to know
that I'm here for you and the kids.
Oh, really? You want to be
a real parent now? Is that what this is?
Absolutely. I'm here now.
Dusty, I'm working crazy hours this week.
With Brad gone, the kids
are gonna have to be dropped off,
picked up, taken to swimming lessons.
Dylan has a play date with Eli on Tuesday,
and Megan has a dentist
appointment on Friday.
Sara, I know in the past
I've been unreliable,
but this is a new me. All right?
This is the new Dusty.
Well, you can't take them
to school on a motorcycle.
- You need a car.
- Done.
Okay.
Hey! You're not staying here!
Are you sure you don't need
company right now?
I mean, you're going through
a tough transition here.
Be here at 6:30 tomorrow morning.
Well, can I at least
come in and get my stuff?
No!
DUSTY: I'm gonna wait for a while,
in case you change your mind.
(SIGHS)
Hey.
Oh...
What did you throw Griff out for?
- This place is chaotic.
- (SCOFFS)
There's always some bull****
going on in that house.
God, man. Want to go to the Red Roof Inn?
Let's do it.
Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
(MUFFLED) Yes, sir.
DORIS: Okay. No running!
All right. Lindsey! Sloane!
Car's open right down there!
Okay, sir, inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!
Keep it inside...
That's right! Thank you.
(CAR ENGINE REVVING)
Hi. I see you've been picking up
Megan and Dylan these past few days.
Should I expect you from now on?
Um, yeah, I'm their real dad,
so yeah, from now on.
Terrific. I see that you also haven't
signed up to volunteer in the lane.
Brad was so good about
helping us out in the lane,
in the classroom, PTA, and so forth.
We could always count on him
for bake sales, Spring Sing,
costumes for Winter Pageant.
You know the drill.
I hope I can count on you
to be the new Brad.
Ah, sure, yeah. You can count on me.
I mean, I'm their real dad,
so, yeah, I'll be here every day.
Great. So, if your kids aren't out here,
I'm gonna need you to circle around
to the back of the line. Okay?
- No, I can't go around.
- Thanks.
I came ten minutes early
so I don't have to...
If your kids aren't here,
you have to go around!
I know. There's somebody
in front of me. Okay?
Just go around!
I can't just go over the
cones! I'm boxed in here!
- Go around!
- No, you can't! Okay?
She said stay in the cone, like ice cream!
- (HONKING)
- Go around!
DORIS: Inside the cones!
Amanda has got a recital!
I have to get there! You need to go!
(HORN HONKING CONTINUES)
(REVVING ENGINE)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)
- DORIS: Hey!
We always stay inside the cones!
Cones! (GRUNTING)
Cones! Come on!
(MR. HOLT SIGHING)
Have you been living here
for the last few days, Brad?
No.
Then what's with the blankets
and the hot plate
and the B.O.?
I crapped in the wastebasket.
You know, Brad, two years
into my thing with Charlene,
her first husband showed up.
Oriental fellow.
You can't say that.
You cannot say "Oriental."
His name was Yu or Wu.
It could have been Javier.
Anyway, I get off early one day,
get home, and
there he is, stark naked in our bed.
I didn't know what to think.
Really? You didn't know what to think?
Six months later,
I wake up in a Chinese prison
with a tattoo on my lower back
of a golf ball rolling towards my butthole.
I can't hear these stories anymore.
I'm sorry. I know they're
supposed to help...
Griff! What are you doing here?
Thought you should know
Dusty came by the bar earlier.
He was talking about how
he can't do the daddy thing.
I tried to talk some sense into him, but
he seemed determined to get out of town.
What, he's leaving?
I don't think I have to tell you,
but little Megan's dance is tonight,
and she's not going to have a daddy.
That's fantastic. Brad, you win.
And Dusty, because of
an act of cowardice, loses.
I mean, you're the daddy again.
Come on, hit that.
(SIGHS)
No, I'm not her daddy.
I wish more than anything I was,
but I'm not.
Yeah, you're right, Brad. A real dad
wouldn't give up on his kids so easy.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Griff!
Wait!
He's still in the room, Brad.
Oh, hey.
Sorry. I thought you stormed out.
What you said sounded like a storm-out,
and then I heard the door close.
I just thought that ****
was getting kind of personal,
so it'd be good to close the door.
So extremely thoughtful. Thank you. Yeah.
And just so you know where my head was at,
I was going to chase you
down the hallway. Right?
You'd hear my footsteps and you're like,
"Is someone after... What's going on?"
Boom! It's me, and I'm like, "Griff, hey!
"You were right."
Holy ****! That would be so uplifting.
Can we do that?
Griff, can you storm out, and Brad,
you go after him?
I don't really want any part of that.
That sounds like pure nonsense to me.
I don't want... I'd rather not.
We could just try it, you know?
No, that sounds forced and weird to try to
recreate something. Not even recreate.
It would be creating. It didn't happen.
It's over-discussed at this point.
Shouldn't you go see your kid?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.
You guys go. Brad, can I come?
No.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Daddy's not coming, is he?
Oh, honey, he'll be here. He promised.
I see cupcakes over there.
I think you should go eat some. Go on.
Go eat a lot of sugar.
(VIBRATING)
Dusty.
- Nope.
- Come on, Dusty.
Where are you going?
I'd pay a billion dollars
to take her to that dance.
- You're just gonna leave?
- You take her then.
I can't take her. Okay?
I'm not welcome after I said
I was gonna put a spite baby
in her mother.
- I guess that's out, then.
- Yeah, that is out.
- So it's gotta be you.
- (SIGHS)
I'm sorry, Brad,
I just can't do it, all right?
What do you mean, you can't do it?
I can't stay inside the cones.
Look, Dusty, the cones are
there for everyone's safety.
- It's not about the cones.
- You just said it was.
The cones are a metaphor, Brad.
I'm not the domestic type, okay?
Dusty, come on.
What are you talking about?
You're organized, you're handy.
You make the best cinnamon rolls
I have ever tasted.
Those were Cinnabons, Brad. Come on.
You can't make rolls like that
in a conventional oven.
I knew it! I knew it.
I knew it from the beginning!
So you've been telling
some tall tales, huh?
- All that Special Ops stuff.
- No, just the Cinnabons!
Why would you lie about Cinnabons?
'Cause I wanted to win. All right?
I wanted to prove that
I was a good dad, too, but I'm not.
Okay? Are you happy?
Is that what you want to hear?
All the noise and the mess
and all the choices.
You do one thing wrong,
you can screw them up for life.
- Do you realize that?
- Yeah.
Dads have to make a lot of choices, okay?
And we blow most of them.
Yeah, and the other parents.
That kid, Eli. I was over there
for a play date. You know about this?
You can't just ride your bike
over to a friend's house,
to play Hot Wheels anymore,
now you got to make some kind of date?
- I know, it's a shame.
- Well, I'm over there,
and the kid's dad keeps
asking me if Dylan's gonna be
in the gifted program with Eli.
Like Dylan isn't as smart as
his little ball-scratcher kid.
I wanted to murder that smug prick.
Dusty, look, I hate that guy, too, okay?
But his son is Dylan's best friend,
so you suck it up.
(STUTTERING) I mean, that's most of
what dads do, is take ****.
I mean, that's what we do.
I can't do it, Brad.
I can't take **** like you do.
You take **** better than
anyone I've ever met,
and I mean that as a compliment
from the bottom of my heart.
- Thank you.
- But I'm sorry, Brad. I can't.
I can't do it, man.
You made a promise to Megan,
and you're gonna keep it.
Ow!
(GROANING)
Did you just punch me in the face, Brad?
Ow, yes.
Knowing full well I got no choice
but to bust you up now?
I really wish you wouldn't.
If I did, you'd take that beatdown
for those kids, wouldn't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I would.
- Come on.
- Good luck, Dusty.
What? No, no, you gotta come.
It's just... I can't see Sara
after what I said.
Sara loves you, Brad. All right?
I know just what to say to her.
You just stand there
and look lost without her.
- I am lost without her.
- Well, that's good. Then let's go.
- But I look terrible.
- Yeah, you do. Come here.
- What are you doing?
- I'm fixing you up, man.
Dusty, get your hands out of my pants.
Calm down. Think I want to
touch your little dinky?
I'm trying to fix you up.
All right. Let me see.
Wow. I look great.
Here you go.
- That's incredible.
- Come on.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
SARA: Hey, pumpkin.
Daddy wanted to be here,
I know he did. He just gets...
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Uh-oh.
She's doing her arms-folded thing.
You said she'd smile.
Maybe even start a slow clap.
Don't worry, I got this. Okay? Come on.
Oh, hey, look, it's the guy that
stranded his kids at school.
And look who he's with.
Did you get anybody pregnant
on your way over here, Brad?
No, I didn't.
- DUSTY: Sara, listen...
- No!
- Sara, please.
- No. I am not going to listen to you.
You know what? Your daughter's been
sitting there for two hours, heartbroken.
Sara, I am so sorry...
Oh, just, please. Will one of you idiots
just ask your daughter to dance?
- Really?
- SARA: Yes.
Neither one of you deserves her, but yes.
- Go ahead, Dusty.
- No, you take the first one.
You've earned it more than I have.
Dusty, please, she's your daughter.
What the hell did I miss?
I'll tell you what. I'll vouch for you
to the kids and I'll take the first dance.
I'll say my good-byes,
and then I'll get out of your hair.
Wait, wait. When you say
"get out of your hair,"
you mean leave, like leave-leave? Tonight?
Daddy! Brad! The fourth graders are here.
They're picking on Dylan again.
That's it.
Those little ****heads are dead.
Where are they?
DUSTY: Those are the fourth graders?
- They're girls.
- Uh-huh. They're so mean.
Why are you even here at
the Daddy-Daughter Dance?
Are you a daughter? Are you a girl?
Are you too scared to take me on
without your little friends?
- Oh, no, he's calling out the big one.
- Oh-oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
Come on!
Dylan!
- (ALL GASP)
- Yes!
- Dylan, what are you doing?
- Did you see? Did you see?
I punched her in the face,
just like you taught me.
- What?
- And then I kicked her right in the nuts.
You like that, *****? Huh?
- No, no, no!
- You want some more, *****?
Sweetheart, what happened?
What's going on here?
He punched me in the face.
Then he kicked me in the swimsuit area.
Then he called me the "B" word.
Who did, him?
He did. I saw it.
He said they taught him to hit girls.
No, no. We thought
your daughter was a boy.
- What?
- No, what he means is that
Dylan told us that a fourth grader
was picking on him,
but he didn't tell us it was a girl.
Yeah, and if you had, we'd have told you
it's never okay to hit a girl.
And that she's probably only bugging you
because she likes you, buddy.
I do not like him.
Oh, I think she likes him.
Ah, gross, whatever.
She totally does.
Are you calling my daughter a whore?
- What?
- They were implying it, Jerry.
Wait. That's quite a stretch.
Mrs. Troy, please. I got this.
Wait, first of all, which one
of you two is the kid's dad?
They both are.
(GASPS)
Oh, my gosh. Wow!
I'm sorry. That's the first time
he's ever referred to me as Dad.
It's something I've wanted to hear
for a long time, so it's a bit poignant.
I tend to cry a lot
when things get emotional.
They tease me all the time.
- I'm actually the stepdad.
- Oh, is that right?
So you're the real dad, huh!
Hey. You don't want to
embarrass yourself, buddy.
You threatening me now, tough guy?
- He's threatening you, Jerry.
- Nobody's threatening anybody.
But you're gonna want to
back that up, Jerry.
And you, Squidward tie.
Quit being an instigator,
or I'm gonna have to rap you in the mouth.
(YELPS)
Hey, hey, hey. Everyone just calm down.
We're at the Daddy-Daughter Dance.
You stay out of it, all right?
You don't count!
I want to talk to the real dad here.
Hey, Brad here is more of
a real dad than any of us.
You ever want to see how you should be
raising your kids, go look at this guy.
Here I go again. What did I tell you?
- Really? You mean that?
- Yes, I do, Brad.
You're a great dad.
(ALL GASPING)
- Like that?
- You shouldn't have done that.
Yeah? Why?
I'm pretty sure he kills people for a job.
He's been rather vague with me,
but that's what I'm kind of surmising.
- Are we gonna do this?
- DUSTY: Oh, we're gonna do it.
- Okay. You ready?
- DUSTY: Yeah, I'm ready.
- This is what you get.
- MEGAN: Daddy.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Want another one? Come on in.
What's going on?
Is this like some UFC ****?
DUSTY: Come on, Brad.
That's right. It's a dance, Jerry.
Yeah. So dance, Jerry!
Yeah! You just got served, Jerry!
You just got a piping hot serving.
I'm not getting served.
You're getting served!
You don't know this about me, Jerry,
but I like to move my body.
Get it, Brad!
(ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
Yeah! Yeah, Brad!
This is a dance! Let's go!
(ALL CHEERING)
(LAUGHING)
Am I the only one with my shirt off?
You know you can't leave, right?
You want me to stay?
These guys are growing up so fast.
You don't want to miss it.
You're sweating profusely.
- I know. I sweat a lot.
- That's cool.
Thank you.
BRAD: So Dusty did stay.
And with the huge amount of money
he was making as the voice of The Panda,
he built his own new castle
right down the street.
Hey!
But we kept Tumor because he didn't
get along with Dusty's new puppy.
(WHIMPERING)
It turns out Tumor was only five...
- (TUMOR GROWLING)
- ...so we're going to have him
for a long, long time.
- BRAD: Tumor!
- (DOORBELL RINGING)
And I was more than a little surprised
when Dusty showed up one day
with his new wife
and his new stepdaughter.
This is my stepdaughter, Adriana.
- Hey, Adriana. I'm Brad.
- Want to go play?
That's your brother and sister.
You guys play nice, okay?
Hey, hon. Who's at the door?
Oh, hey, Sara. This is my wife, Karen.
Oh, is it... Your wife?
SARA: That Karen, wow, she is so great.
It turns out she's
a doctor and a celebrated
novelist. I mean...
Hon, would you...
- Come here, Griff. Come here, Griff. Oh!
- KAREN: He's so cute.
SARA: And I was so surprised when
I found out that we're the same age.
I mean, she looks so young, right?
Good for her!
Honey, you look amazing tonight.
(LAUGHS) What are you talking about?
It's just my normal clothes.
That's how I look.
I just got ready really fast.
Hey, Griff. Hey, little Griffy.
You want to come to Daddy?
What, you think I'm going to
pick his pockets or something?
- BRAD: No.
- He doesn't carry a wallet.
Oh, sweetie, be careful
with that knife, okay?
You're not my dad.
DUSTY: Brad was right.
Being a stepdad isn't always easy.
But he was also right that it's worth it.
And he was right about the Ford Flex, too.
It's a great family car.
Got plenty of room for the kids,
gear, and plenty of pickup for me.
I got the Weekender package.
A few more bells and whistles than Brad's,
but Brad doesn't need to know that.
(MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING)
(GASPS) Daddy!
Sweetie, I've been waiting for you to...
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Did you just gulp?
- No.
I heard a gulp.
DUSTY: (STAMMERS)
Well, a little bit, maybe.
- BRAD: Sure.
- There you are.
BRAD: He's a lot bigger than you.
He's got legs for arms.
Little star, guess what?
I like him. I like him a lot.
Yeah. I bet you he's
going to like us, too.
- BRAD: Remember, Loving Fence.
- DUSTY: Yeah.
BRAD: Just go say hi.
Yeah, look, I got this, buddy. Watch.
Hey. You must be Roger.
Nope.
(TUNING RADIO)
DUSTY: (SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six
The Panda!
JASON SINCLAIR: Caught Kenny G.
At the United Center this weekend.
Man, can that guy put on a show.
20,000 people on their feet
for the entire four hours.
You're listening to Jason Sinclair.
This is The Panda.
(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING)
(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING)
(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING)
(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING)
(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING)
(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING)Spring Shamrock
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    Wow @.@ - they are targeting the content rather than the comments, really?? Holy guacamole.

    I found this article that explains what's happening : http://gizmodo.com/youtubes-restrict...ent-1793382337 :

    The video [shown in article] is among those that is hidden in restricted mode, and Gizmodo verified that other channels had LGBT-related videos that disappeared on restricted mode. Other restricted videos include a video of a lesbian couple reading each other their wedding vows.

    Ellis told Gizmodo that while she doesn’t know why this is happening, it’s troubling regardless, because it implies “there is a bias somewhere within that process equating LGBTQ+ with ‘not family friendly.’” Regardless of “how innocent or unintentional the ‘hows’ or ‘whys’ are, the effects cannot be ignored,” she added.

    According to Rowan Ellis, the fact that innocuous LGBT videos are being hidden is troubling, because it implies there’s something inherently offensive about being LGBT. “Videos about LGBTQ+ life, love, history, friendships etc are no more inappropriate than videos with straight couples or telling the history of straight figures,” she told Gizmodo. “Yet they are apparently being treated differently.

    And :

    While the [google] spokesperson noted that the feature is fully optional, the feature’s own help page warns that “Computers in libraries, universities, and other public institutions may have Restricted Mode enabled by the system administrator.” That could pose a problem for kids whose main access to the internet is through computers at school.

    *headdesk*
    Last edited by amanda1983; 03-19-2017 at 06:45 PM.

  5. #5
    Jester. Trickster. Fiend. DarkDesertFox's Avatar
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    So? Maybe parents don't want their kids to be exposed to that kind of thing. Just keep it off if it bugs you.

  6. #6
    Nefarious Villain Person FreeHelium's Avatar
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  7. #7
    kid cat best cat opalskiies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DarkDesertFox View Post
    So? Maybe parents don't want their kids to be exposed to that kind of thing. Just keep it off if it bugs you.
    parents don't want their kids exposed to normal love? lmao

    - - - Post Merge - - -

    i mean, i get the intense, sexual LGBT videos (Anything sexual should be censored for kids), but like... lesbians reading wedding vows? really? why should kids not see something as simple and sweet as that
    Cycling town: Cynthia of Beforus

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  8. #8
    Nefarious Villain Person FreeHelium's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by opalskiies View Post
    parents don't want their kids exposed to normal love? lmao
    Wouldn't shock me, especially since Christianity is still a big thing.
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  9. #9
    #ivyleague boujee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by opalskiies View Post
    parents don't want their kids exposed to normal love? lmao

    - - - Post Merge - - -

    i mean, i get the intense, sexual LGBT videos (Anything sexual should be censored for kids), but like... lesbians reading wedding vows? really? why should kids not see something as simple and sweet as that
    why would a kid look up lesbians reading wedding vows?

  10. #10
    Synthesis baby! Baha's Avatar
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    ah youtube going crazy again, it's getting old

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