Write a Letter You Cannot Send

dear love of my life,

you were right. I should've listened to you.

never again, ali
 
-Dear old, now ex friends from Discord and MMORPGs


*incoherent fax machine noises*


-Riley’s friend, TODD HOWARD
 
Dear self,

You can do it. Please, don't quit now. You mustn't give up hope, because the time will come when you are finally free. One day, you'll move out into your own place - a place that you can actually call home. You'll finally be free to do whatever the hell you like. No one can tell you what to do anymore. You'll be free to make your own decisions. You'll be away from the people who made your life miserable. You won't feel restricted or watched. You'll get your own sense of privacy. There won't be anyone who will belittle you or knock you down. Once you get to that apartment, you can just blast some music, jump on the bed, and scream. Just scream like there's no tomorrow. Scream for the fact that you're finally away from it all, thank God. Mess your hair up, do anything you want. You're free.

You can finally decorate your room with posters of Queen, Journey, Billy Joel, and other rockin' things. Perhaps you can learn how to make boba tea. You can clean all you want. You won't be restricted by your bumbling grandparents or narccisistic mother.

So, please don't lose hope. Do good in school, earn money, save up for college and for a place of your own. Things may not look well now, but you've got to keep on trucking along. Think of the things you can do when you move out. So, live for that day. Just do your best and keep your chin up.

Sincerely yours, your own self
 
I found this deep in my profile under threads I’ve started, and I felt like I needed to post again. It doesn’t really matter to me whether or not the thread is revived, I just needed to get something off my chest.

dear w,
I gave you everything. I put my heart and soul into you. For two years. For two whole years, I was madly in love with you. I didn’t want to recognize the red flags. I didn’t want to listen to my friends when they said to leave. I didn’t want to believe you were a bad person. Because you, at the time, were the love of my life. Now, I can’t stand you. You put me through so much bs. I changed myself for you. I pushed away my closest friends for you. I put people through things they never should’ve been put through, for you. You made me a mean person. You made me insecure and defensive. You made me dependent. It’s unfair what you did. And to continue hurting me after I’ve moved on, after months of not speaking, after finally getting over you, you still find ways to get to me. Even when you think I’m not there to listen. When you think I can’t see what you’re doing. I can. And it hurts. Why can’t you leave me alone? Why can’t you just forget about me and act as if I never even existed, I know you want to. The manipulation and the lies don’t seem to stop. I saw what you posted. About me being abusive to you? About me being crazy? About you telling everyone how stupid you were to date me? I saw that. And it made me realize something. After dating you, I still gave you some sort of the beneidet of the doubt and thought, “maybe he wasn’t mature yet. Maybe he didn’t realize what he was doing was toxic.” But no, after seeing that, and talking to one of your “friends” I realized that you knew EXACTLY what you were doing. No, not only did you know what you were doing, but you knew that your behaviors were abusive. I can’t believe that everything you did to me, you turned around and told people that I did those same things to you. You just have to be the victim, huh? And you keep turning people against me for it. You are turning friends of mine, people who know me, people who have known me longer than they’ve known you, against me. All because I’m not there anymore. I’m not there to defend myself, to tell my side of the story. And you know what? ********. I will never be the same person ever again. I will never be able to love someone the same. All because of you. You really really messed me up. And now, you’re not in control of me anymore, yet you’re somehow still controlling me. I let you go, w. I’ve moved on. I don’t love you anymore. So can’t you do the same? Can’t you just for the love of god stop talking about me like I’m the scum of the earth? You know the truth, so stop trying to tell everyone otherwise. Even if they believe you, it’s not fair to keep going. It’s been months. I’m in college now. Leave. Me. Be. I did everything for you, and I got nothing in return. was anything you ever said to me even genuine? I mean, at least a little bit of it had to be, right? I wasn’t the one who kept crawling back every time YOU broke up with ME. Sure, maybe all you cared about was the physical aspect of our relationship, but who are you to go around saying you never even loved me? For at least some duration of it all, you had to have loved me. I know deep down there had to have been at least a glimpse of care. Ha, I never even got real closure with you. Maybe if I did it would’ve made things a little easier on me. On you too. But, you’re a sociopath, and you don’t have real feelings. I hate to say it, but it’s why you’re such a good actor. You know how to mold your emotions to fit the audience that’s listening. I hope reality hits you in the face someday. And I hope your next girlfriend(s) have the opportunity to process your red flags before it’s too late, like I did. I really did love you, with everything I had inside me. I can’t say I wish I never met you, because that would be a lie. There were times where you made me the happiest I had ever been. Unfortunately, the bad outweighs the good in this situation. You need to learn how to be a decent human being before anything else. I’m sorry I let my feelings get the best of me. Please stay out of my life.
With no more love, a.
 
i deserved better. you made me out to be the bad guy so you wouldn’t have to confront the fact that maybe you just aren’t a good person. you were cruel and malicious and manipulative and i should’ve known better than to get involved with you but i was blinded by the ignorance of youth and beauty. i deserved better than the crap you gave me and i hope that everyone you ‘care’ about realizes the truth before you hurt them, too. you don’t deserve to have friends or be in a relationship until you get your crap together. do you and everybody else a favour and please, please go to therapy and figure out why you are the way you are and why the only thing that fuels you is hurting other people.
 
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I am writing this to get it off my chest and I read somewhere that it can be stress relieving to write a letter for this type of thing so here goes.

redacted
 
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Dear Best Friend,
You really mean the world to me. Thank you for introducing me to everyone in the group. I've really been able to come out of my shell and feel wanted. This is the first time in half a decade since I've felt genuinely secure in a friendship, without fear of being abandoned. I know you're struggling right now, but things will get better. We've both been hurt in the same ways, and I understand if you're afraid to trust or open up to me. I'll wait as long as you need me to. I want to make the best of the time we have until you move away to a different province.
Can you please stop smooching your s.o's in front of me though its a little awkward.
 
To the one who makes it seem like love isn't real...

You're wrong. You're wrong mom. You laugh in the car and say, "Love is just a concept everyone wants." Isn't it funny, though? That I don't have to want it, because I have it. I know I found love. I found love with the most amazing girl in the world mom, one that loves every little piece of me. One that will wipe my tears and look me in the eyes when I'm upset, not talk down on me like you do when I cry.

I'm sorry that I'm not your perfect daughter. You brag to your friends about how perfect I am, how I'm your piece of gold, amazing college student. How would you feel if you knew every time she comes over and I close my door, we kiss each other. We touch each other. We intimately connect in the most loving, most passionate way. And you think she's just a friend, a casual friend. She's more than that. She's more than I could ever describe. And I have to keep my love a secret because you've made it very clear that these types of relationships are purely inappropriate and disgusting.

How would you explain the soft kisses she gives me when she holds me. The words she whispers in reassurance that she'll be by my side in times of trouble and the best times. How is that anything less than pure, unabashed love?

I just want to shout it from the rooftops that I'm in love. And you prevent that. You keep me up at night, crying, begging the empty air in my room to make life fair. It's not fair. You're not fair.

I choke back tears every time you make a comment about women embracing love for each other. You hurt me in so many ways that you don't even know about. I wish I could confront you. I turned around so many times tonight, ready to just exclaim my secret. But I couldn't. And my heart feels like it's going to explode.

Mom, you may have never had your happy ever after. But I know that I will. And someday, you will have to accept the love I know I found.
 
To my ex best friend,
I miss you a lot. But you’re too toxic for me to ever reach out to you again. I sincerely hope you’re doing well.

To my immediate family,
You are the reason I take medication to manage the anxiety that constantly tells me that I’m never enough, that I’m doing something wrong. Someday I hope I no longer have to associate myself with you.

To my in-laws,
My husband is more than his autism. You treat him like a child, you push him around and reduce him to an emotional wreck, and it sickens me. You don’t understand him at all.
 
To my teachers,
I should've appreciated you more. Every day I went to school and saw you and my classmates, I thought it was something to take for granted but now I realize I shouldn't take it for granted. While the school system is filled with flaws I miss every day where I saw my friends and to get taught lessons I carry with me now. Now that the school has been shut down for the rest of the year, some of your words have stuck with me. The fun, chaotic moments of our class have stuck with me. I hope next year I will be able to see you again, thank you for teaching me and all of us things. School isn't my favorite thing in the world but I appreciate it just a little bit more and hope to see it again one day.
 
To C

How could you?
You know exactly what I’m talking about. I know you lied. You may have D fooled, but you haven’t fooled me.
To think all of this could have ended if you just told me the truth. You knew what you did, and to have the audacity to lie about A straight up to my face. No, I don’t want to be friends with you. The few days that I had left before A moved away was taken from me. By you. I should have stood up for myself. I should have said, “No. I will not waste what little time I have left with her, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” You are a pathological liar. I would know this; A contacted me a while back. I should have told you that, to see the face you would make when you realize you can’t lie your way out of it. And no, she doesn’t kill people. That was ridiculous of you to say. Why would you ever think I would want to be friends with a liar like you?
But anyways, I hope that you’re doing fine. Not great, just fine. I also hope the lies you told haunt you everyday.
Sincerely,
K
 
Dear best friend of mine,
Honestly I really hate you but I don't want to tell you,
ever since "the incident" you don't like me talking to the person,
every time I try to talk to you, you just say "I have other friends not just you"
but then if I try to do the same you're a butthole to me,
you don't defend me and don't do crap
you deserved to get in trouble
I did too for "the incident"
but at least I tried to be nice afterwards
you just ignored them forever
I really sincerely hope you get your crap straight because I'm sick of your crap
Coronavirus is so good because now we can't communicate
oh and you have the worst obsession but if I have one you get annoyed for literally everything
but of course if I complain you get mad and ignore me
I need better friends but that could never happen unless I relocate
everyone is horrible and this is why I'm the way I am
oh and you're a horrible person to me at least
for the second time get your crap straight
daang I have many words, they are not very nice
 
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