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Write a Letter You Cannot Send

Dear Mom,

I wish that you will change the way you speak to me. You're hurting me, you know that? Calling me stupid whenever I don't know how to do something you asked of me (like doing something for you on Facebook, for instance), and saying "Are you crazy?"

...

Mom, please stop verbally insulting me.

You know, I just don't feel comfortable around you. I don't feel really connected to you, either. Sad, isn't it, when a child isn't really connected to either of his or her parents.

I've changed a lot over the years, and for the worse. You aren't helping.
 
Dear Mom,

I wish that you will change the way you speak to me. You're hurting me, you know that? Calling me stupid whenever I don't know how to do something you asked of me (like doing something for you on Facebook, for instance), and saying "Are you crazy?"

...

Mom, please stop verbally insulting me.

You know, I just don't feel comfortable around you. I don't feel really connected to you, either. Sad, isn't it, when a child isn't really connected to either of his or her parents.

I've changed a lot over the years, and for the worse. You aren't helping.

I'll be your mom
 
Hey.
I know I've promised to never talk to you nor send you letters.
I've kept that promise, ever since the day you clearly stated you didn't want your past to keep crawling back.
And honestly I understand it. The Past is the Past for a reason, its something we put behind us and never look back.
But how can you put all that time behind us? I hate the fact I'm friendly so I constantly want to know what you're up to.
I know since we've last talked I was in a semi-hard time, so you leaving was kinda hard. I know I needed to stop
depending on you and honestly I'm glad we stopped talking.

Well a new thing about me since we've stopped talking is
I got married this January, the 6th to be exact. I know, it was long overdue haha, but still. We finally got married :) Its
something I've always wanted, I know I constantly told you how much I was waiting for him to ask. After 5 years he finally
set a date. He also joined the military, surprising right? Something I've never wanted any if you guys to do.. But I came to my
senses that in order to get anywhere we can't act like children. We needed our own place, AJ isn't getting any younger, and
you knew the situation between my in laws and I. I couldn't deal with that anymore. And honestly I love the place we are stationed at.
Yeah we moved out of state, I know I've told you how much I wanted to get out of Cali.. Well I finally did it! I left that miserable state, I know you love that state.. unfortunately I have too many bad memories there. I needed a change of scenery, I love the country side. It's so pretty. I honestly love it here. I wouldn't mind living here for the rest of my life.

Another thing that's new is we are having another baby. It's a girl this time. :) I have a set now! Hahaha.. Remember,
our old plans?
I still do...
The names we chose?
I still do...
Kimberly, Bonnie, Nicholas, Jaime...
The memories still play in my head after all these years. They plague me sometimes.. Such bittersweet memories.
I know we've promised to never talk about them. But its honestly hard to not remember such things...
I wonder if they ever come up for you.. Probably not. I wouldn't be surprised if you never remember them.
They are memories I'm constantly trying to forget. It pains me to remember those things while being with my husband
and my son.. I understand why you wouldn't want to remember them either. To be honest, it sucks. I hate these
memories. I dislike hearing your name. I dislike wondering what would have happened if things were different.
I still remember that one day at the bus stop. Where we first met in 7th grade...
I still remember that one street, where you pulled me back and stole my first kiss...
I still remember that time you finally said you loved me...
I still remember that time I broke you...
And I wish I could just forget... But unfortunately those memories and years are constantly going to be going through my head...
The things we use to do, the things we use to say... I hate that I miss those days.. But honestly I love the life I have now...
I love the man I found 6 years ago.. I love the children he gave me. I love the new memories he gave me... Its nostalgia thats killing me... And Im sorry. I'm glad you're engaged. :) I know you never told me, but I've had some friends tell me. And honestly Im glad.
Im happy she was the one. Im happy you were able to find happiness after me. But thank you for everything.
 
i promised i wouldn't leave but sometimes it hurts too much. i know it can work but 2-3 years is just too long of a wait.
i shouldn't lie about the doubt in my mind but confidence is key. i'm sorry.
 
i still miss you so much. this time of year reminds me of you and it hurts more than ever. i hope you're doing well and i love you. please stay safe. i know it's getting close to a bad time for you and i hope it's better than the last several years. part of me still hopes you love me but i don't know. stay safe please. i don't know what this world would be like without you in it anymore, even if you're barely in mine now.
 
i promised i wouldn't leave but sometimes it hurts too much. i know it can work but 2-3 years is just too long of a wait.
i shouldn't lie about the doubt in my mind but confidence is key. i'm sorry.

oh hey there bud
ilysm
 
I'm so sorry. I love you with every inch of my being and I'm so sorry I hurt you. I didn't mean to. That was never my intention. In fact, it was the last thing I wanted to do. You mean everything to me. You were more than I could ever ask for, and I fd it up. I ruined everything. This is not your fault, I take the blame for everything. I don't know what's going to happen next, and I'm scared I'm never going to be able to be with you again. I'm afraid the love I have for you isn't enough anymore. I don't want you to go, please. This pains me so much. I need you, and I know you need me too. But if I'm hurting you, I understand fully for not ever wanting to come back. You deserve someone better than me. I don't know how to love, I don't think I'm capable. But I'll try, if you give me another chance. I love you with everything I have.
 
He knows I have an account on here. Burn this thread and act like it never existed.
 
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EDIT: Turns out I'm too nervous to post it even when I don't know anyone on this website.
 
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Hey there Morgan! Man, it's been a really long time since I've sent you anything. I don't have any good excuse, though I have a bad excuse- it's the digital age! I really miss having you poke me awake in the mornings. I'm finishing the paperwork to go back to camp this year, but it isn't the same without you. I wish you'd come back, but I understand that you can't; you're busy crafting your future.

Blue lake will feel weird without you. I'm hoping I can be a counselor one day there! I'm majoring in visual arts this year, same as usual. I'll also be taking some dual enrollment classes for the entire next school year with Kendall college! I'm scared, though. I wonder if my hobby is even worth it. I've never been able to sell any of my art, and I feel like a fraud and a fake. How do you cope with doubts about your musical ability? How do you have the confidence to go for a flippin DEGREE in art?

Time to bombard you with questions! How's college like- do you have any degrees yet? It's been so long since you wrote back, I can't remember what you're doing. What's your dream occupation? I'm pretty sure you want to be a jazz trumpet player, or something to do with the trumpet.

It's still hard talking to my mom about being transgender. I know, you're not my therapist. But there's only so much my therapist can do, and I haven't seen my therapist in forever. I mean, my mom is tolerant of transgenderism, but I just don't think she can truly understand it. After I came out to her, she tried to acknowledge it for like, a week at most. It's really invalidating towards me, and I find I doubt myself a lot about whether I really am transgender or not. I want to thank you for being the first adult I felt really could understand what I was talking about.

Anyways, Morgan, I miss you. I wish that the dumb no-contact contract didn't exist. I know it's for campers safety, but it's sad to know that I can't talk to you online for a little over 2 more years still. I doubt I'll ever be able to find you online, either. But, it's a small world.

Also, sorry for losing your address. My bad. I miss you a lot!
-Cal

- - - Post Merge - - -

This thread is really lovely to look at.
 
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Dear Johnny,

I like to fart on big bagels, I mean I REALLY like to fart on big bagels, and ooo, sit on my pancakes. Canada is a cool place and I hope to return someday to become Canadian-Ugandan Knuckles. I think it’s great that you found the special sauce in your life that you need, one that isn’t too hot or cold, and doesn’t eat you. Alright, goodnight.

-Riley
 
Dear Josh,

Are you gay? You said you hang around LGBT. But then you said you’re dating someone. Is it a boy? Anyways. I’d hate this to be our last time seeing each other. Add me on FB?
 
Dear Jennie,

Why are there so many people named Jennie in life? LOL

-Riley
 
Dear Mackenzie,

So, you know that sweatshirt? You know, the one with a shiny Umbreon on it? The one I have had since I was 9 years old? The one I accidentally left at your house because I was too caught up with leaving? I want it back. You don’t know how much it meant to me and it’s still in your basement. It’s been two years, for crying out loud. Give me it back.

P.S. Your basement isn’t even that big. Give it ten minutes and you can find it.

Your still salty friend,
Jaiden

Update: SHE FINALLY GAVE IT BACK TO ME
 
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Dearest Math Substitute,

Why did you take selfies with kids in the middle of class? I just want to know. It was super dumb.

Your confused student,
Jaiden
 
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Dear everyone (on the entire planet (that is known as Earth)),

Get your stuff together

Love,
some nerd
 
Dear art teacher I had in 5th grade,

Why did you call me racist? I called somebody tall. He was like, 5’11” and I was 4’8’ or something.


A confused and angry,
Jaiden

- - - Post Merge - - -

Dear art teacher I had in 5th grade,

Why did you call me racist? I called somebody tall. He was like, 5?11? and I was 4?8? or something.


A confused and angry,
Jaiden
 
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