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What's Bothering You?

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My mind is working against me. My mother is coming back in less then a week and I cannot get a grip on my own mind. It sucks, some days it's so hard to get out of bed...my fiance has to drag me out of it. My diet has gone straight to the trash. I'm tired of lying in bed and I'm tired of getting out of it. I don't know how I'm gonna manage mom coming back. I mean I love her but peace is hard to come by when she's around. Judging my food intake, judging the volume at night, the place I park, what I'm doing, why don't I have a job. And the future scares me, my dad's gone and when mom is gone, where will I go? What will I do with myself? Would I even survive? I have a degree but I don't want anything to do with the field anymore.

And literally everything makes me overthink and worry so much, I can't not just sit here. Driving somewhere new, things, life, reality. I just can't. I spent all my life making my parents happy and now that I have mostly just me, me to worry about, me to fix, I don't know what to do with me. I don't like me, I don't like any of this. I hate seeing the empty chair where Dad used to sit, my mother's bedroom without the double bed for them to sleep on. The cheeky laugh and I know Dad would help me through anything. And he's been gone for almost 2 years now and it still hurts, I still think about it daily. He doesn't speak in my dreams and I fear the day I forget his voice. Everything just sucks even though it doesn't and I can't make any sense of it. The therapists I've been to, they tried to get me thinking that depression didn't really exist. I'm just at a constant loss of what to do, why to keep going but for some reason I keep going. But it's more like a flop around than a sturdy walk. Like a silly ball in a bouncy castle, just at the complete mercy of where I land and bounce to next. I'm just constantly tired. It's as my father said: "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired."

And saving grace, I honestly don't know where I'd be without my fiance dragging me from my personal hell time and time again. I know he's exhausted, I know he hurts but I just can't sometimes and that sucks.
 
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My grandma might pass away soon because she can hardly talk and hasn't been eating or drinking. I've also been studying for exams since yesterday afternoon. Just really tired and want Spring break to get here.
 
Woke up with some vertigo... really weird sensation to have, trying to remember to not move my head too fast but it's just not a good time being dizzy each time I turn/tilt my head...
 
I have voted for the Republicans to repeal the ACA, but instead, they chickened out on repealing. They may have turned down the repeal, but I am not going to live with ACA. I did not vote for them to support the ACA.

I hope the Freedom Caucus (or whoever those 36 Republicans that voted no) lose their seats in 2018 to the far-right Republicans. They have disappointed me. Cowards!
 
I hate my life. I just want to die. I want to ****ing kill myself.
I hate trusting people. I never want to trust anyone in my life ever again. All they ****ing do is just hurt me.
 
I'm throwing a party on Saturday, because it's my rat's 1st birthday. I'm trying to find a good carrot cake recipe (I'm baking them miniature cakes and cutting teeny tiny slices) that will still hold when it's cut and I just can't find one ;u;
 
****ing eventide island , the way to go to the shrine is nonsense , and the the only thing you get are rupees , **** this **** aint completing this
 
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Was stoked about having a coupon for one of my fave online stores but when I applied the coupon it ended up being MORE expensive because it took off the sales stuff, so I ended up buying the stuff without the coupon, at least everything was still on sale, so I mean it was worth buying it. It just kind of irritated me.
 
My family makes me feel so unappreciated and sad. I live with my grandparents and my dad, and out of all of them I do the majority of the housework with no help for absolutely nothing and it's never enough for them. They barely do anything, and when they do they complain about how I should be doing it instead. It's a long story, but I hate how they treat me. Sometimes I feel like my family doesn't even love me the way they act towards me, like I'm some kind of burden on them.
 
i've been taking my medication for almost a year now and i don't think they're working. i'm really bad at taking them though so i don't know for sure but again, i might be wasting my time and i feel the same if not worse.
 
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