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- Thread starter Sholee
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samsquared
飛べ
Hmmm...
He probably does love you. But just because he loves you doesn't mean he doesn't feel a little something for this other girl. The operative word in this situation, I think, is "drunk".
Although many people believe that anything you would do drunk you would also do sober, I don't think that's necessarily true. Drunkenness makes you feel less inhibited and more powerful- I mean, it doesn't make you loopy, but it certainly affects your good judgement because you kinda stop caring.
After five years? A revenge thing? I think he thinks that you should be less mad if mad at all because you did it once rather than he kissed this girl pointedly because of your past mistake.
At any rate, once is a mistake. Of course you are hurt, but the best thing for you to do (especially because you have experience with what he is probably feeling and know how you needed to be forgiven) is forgive him. But "forgive but don't forget" is definitely something I am advocating here.
What is interesting is that this is a girl that he knows very well and liked at one point. He might still have lingering feelings for her. I doubt they are very strong since he's been with you for seven years and says that he loves you. It's pretty necessary at this point for you to believe that he loves you and have substantial evidence proving that he loves you to still be in this relationship. Also, you've seen them around each other before and didn't feel threatened. That means they don't really flirt, they don't seem to want to pursue a romantic relationship at all. You likely have nothing to really be worried about. But that he chose her and not some random girl suggests that the feelings are probably there, latent, at least (or he's not bold enough, even drunk, to hook up with some random floozie at a party and chose a girl he felt secure with or knew he could get to kiss him (that's something only you would know)). As he was drunk at this party (and if there will be a lot of future interactions of this type, there were probably a lot of past interactions of this type where nothing happened), he probably has no real intentions on acting on what is probably a weak attraction. But don't forget this.
What will most likely happen is that things will be awkward between them for a little while.
I think what I said makes sense, but in the world of human emotions almost anything can happen! So, follow your own intuition here, too. You know the situation better than anyone. Trust yourself to make the right decision.
Good luck~
He probably does love you. But just because he loves you doesn't mean he doesn't feel a little something for this other girl. The operative word in this situation, I think, is "drunk".
Although many people believe that anything you would do drunk you would also do sober, I don't think that's necessarily true. Drunkenness makes you feel less inhibited and more powerful- I mean, it doesn't make you loopy, but it certainly affects your good judgement because you kinda stop caring.
After five years? A revenge thing? I think he thinks that you should be less mad if mad at all because you did it once rather than he kissed this girl pointedly because of your past mistake.
At any rate, once is a mistake. Of course you are hurt, but the best thing for you to do (especially because you have experience with what he is probably feeling and know how you needed to be forgiven) is forgive him. But "forgive but don't forget" is definitely something I am advocating here.
What is interesting is that this is a girl that he knows very well and liked at one point. He might still have lingering feelings for her. I doubt they are very strong since he's been with you for seven years and says that he loves you. It's pretty necessary at this point for you to believe that he loves you and have substantial evidence proving that he loves you to still be in this relationship. Also, you've seen them around each other before and didn't feel threatened. That means they don't really flirt, they don't seem to want to pursue a romantic relationship at all. You likely have nothing to really be worried about. But that he chose her and not some random girl suggests that the feelings are probably there, latent, at least (or he's not bold enough, even drunk, to hook up with some random floozie at a party and chose a girl he felt secure with or knew he could get to kiss him (that's something only you would know)). As he was drunk at this party (and if there will be a lot of future interactions of this type, there were probably a lot of past interactions of this type where nothing happened), he probably has no real intentions on acting on what is probably a weak attraction. But don't forget this.
What will most likely happen is that things will be awkward between them for a little while.
I think what I said makes sense, but in the world of human emotions almost anything can happen! So, follow your own intuition here, too. You know the situation better than anyone. Trust yourself to make the right decision.
Good luck~
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infinikitten
big old brat tbh
The most concerning aspect of this is him saying "I don't know" when you asked if he feels anything for her or was trying to get back at you by doing what he did. He needs to properly define his feelings and tell you what's going on rather than dancing around the subject, as hard as it is to do so and as much as he may not want to. For the sake of your relationship, this is something he NEEDS to do, plain and simple. If he truly doesn't know? Then he needs to spend time thinking about it until he can nail down his motivations and desires, and if he loves you, which he clearly does, then he'll do exactly that.
I am with you on the "once a cheater always a cheater" thing being bull****. Sometimes things happen, as you know from personal experience. You are either strong enough of a couple to work through it, overcome it and move past it, or the incident could be too damaging to your relationship and prevent you from repairing what's been damaged. You've already been through this so you know how it works; as adults, and in extremely long term relationships, it's not so easy and black and white as "Oh, he cheated? Dump him" - many other factors come into play here.
In order to figure out if you can trust him not to do this again, he needs to be a big boy and be honest with both you and himself. If he does have feelings for her, but they're little crush-type fleeting feelings that may well go away in a week or two (it happens) then you two will just have to ride it out and then you'll be just fine. It's clear to me you don't want to throw away such a meaningful and long-standing relationship over this incident but I see why his feelings for this other girl are pretty much the be-all/end-all here. So again, it falls to him.
If he wants to ensure that this will never happen again and doesn't trust himself? Then you have a problem on your hands. If he thinks there's any possibility that he'll just feel weak in the moment and ~go with it~ or whatever, then he needs to either stay away from that girl or bring you with him when she's around, and you need to evaluate whether it's worth it to stay with him if he can so easily be provoked into cheating on you. If he knows for certain that he does not want this to happen again and he's 100% sure that it was a mistake on his part, then... again, this falls to him:
He needs to be clear with that girl and set boundaries. Very hard, clear boundaries, about what she can and cannot do, and when they can and cannot hang out together, especially if alcohol is "maybe" the deciding factor in whether they get handsy with each other. I know boundaries get blurred sometimes with friendships like theirs (the super close childhood friend type deal - been there, done that) but she needs to respect your relationship just as much as he does.
It's really all riding on him at this point, I think. It's his responsibility to clarify how he feels, what he intends to do in the future, and how he means to make this up to you. It's on him to prove that you can trust him not to do it again, or to be an honest adult and TELL you if you can't trust him to do so (at which point, again, you'd have to discuss whether continuing as a couple is worth it).
He can't "I dunno" his way out of this, is what I'm saying.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, friend. I've been cheated on in short term relationships and I remember just being able to shut it down, feel all indignant and hurt and then move on fairly quickly, but if it happens in a long-term relationship with so much history behind it, it's instantly a thousand times more complicated. I wish you well ♥ And if you ever need someone to talk to or someplace to vent, my inbox is open.
I am with you on the "once a cheater always a cheater" thing being bull****. Sometimes things happen, as you know from personal experience. You are either strong enough of a couple to work through it, overcome it and move past it, or the incident could be too damaging to your relationship and prevent you from repairing what's been damaged. You've already been through this so you know how it works; as adults, and in extremely long term relationships, it's not so easy and black and white as "Oh, he cheated? Dump him" - many other factors come into play here.
In order to figure out if you can trust him not to do this again, he needs to be a big boy and be honest with both you and himself. If he does have feelings for her, but they're little crush-type fleeting feelings that may well go away in a week or two (it happens) then you two will just have to ride it out and then you'll be just fine. It's clear to me you don't want to throw away such a meaningful and long-standing relationship over this incident but I see why his feelings for this other girl are pretty much the be-all/end-all here. So again, it falls to him.
If he wants to ensure that this will never happen again and doesn't trust himself? Then you have a problem on your hands. If he thinks there's any possibility that he'll just feel weak in the moment and ~go with it~ or whatever, then he needs to either stay away from that girl or bring you with him when she's around, and you need to evaluate whether it's worth it to stay with him if he can so easily be provoked into cheating on you. If he knows for certain that he does not want this to happen again and he's 100% sure that it was a mistake on his part, then... again, this falls to him:
He needs to be clear with that girl and set boundaries. Very hard, clear boundaries, about what she can and cannot do, and when they can and cannot hang out together, especially if alcohol is "maybe" the deciding factor in whether they get handsy with each other. I know boundaries get blurred sometimes with friendships like theirs (the super close childhood friend type deal - been there, done that) but she needs to respect your relationship just as much as he does.
It's really all riding on him at this point, I think. It's his responsibility to clarify how he feels, what he intends to do in the future, and how he means to make this up to you. It's on him to prove that you can trust him not to do it again, or to be an honest adult and TELL you if you can't trust him to do so (at which point, again, you'd have to discuss whether continuing as a couple is worth it).
He can't "I dunno" his way out of this, is what I'm saying.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, friend. I've been cheated on in short term relationships and I remember just being able to shut it down, feel all indignant and hurt and then move on fairly quickly, but if it happens in a long-term relationship with so much history behind it, it's instantly a thousand times more complicated. I wish you well ♥ And if you ever need someone to talk to or someplace to vent, my inbox is open.
The above sounds like the most 'sketchy' part. "I dunno"...It's either "yes" or "no". "I dunno" seems more like "Yes, but I don't want to outright say that to you."
There's always the possibility that nothing more comes from this.
There's also the possibility that he could string you along until this other girl (he clearly has some interest in) breaks off her relationship and he goes for that.
The thing that seems different is that she's always been a friend of his, he's confessed to liking her in that way before and now this has happened. I would personally struggle to see it as a one off thing that won't happen again. They have a history.
Yours was just a one night thing.
I've been in a somewhat similar situation where I was with my ex 6 years.
About 2 years in I got absolutely wasted one night and slept with another girl. I don't remember the event at all, I was literally THAT wasted that I have no recollection of it happening. I didn't actually find out that I had slept with her until about 2 weeks later (it was at a friends house, so there were witnesses to it happening...Plus 'other' factors that made me know it was true).
Being wasted obviously isn't an excuse though. It just begs the question of whether I was that into the idea, or whether she talked me into something when I was in a state where I couldn't even make a decision of what type of Pokemon to use against a Rock type.
I told my then girlfriend the moment I found out. She asked if I felt anything, I said no. She asked if I wish I remembered doing it and I replied "well, yea. If I'm going to do something stupid I should at least remember it", blah blah blah. We argued, cried, etc etc. All in all, I was entirely truthful, she forgave me and nothing else like that happened again (and I controlled my drinking a bit more)
A few years later she did the same...But she did it with more guys and I'm skeptical she was actually drunk with most of it. Regardless, we took a short break but I overall forgave her.
About a year after that she went on holiday again (which is where one of her past 'cheats' happened). She came back, told me she had cheated on me a few more times and that she was now moving to that country because apparently, I was just getting strung along until everything was good to get with this other guy (she didn't say that but it seems obvious it was that reason to me).
I guess you can't really trust somebody once they've done something like this is what I'm getting at. They may never do it again but there's the very real chance they will. I never thought she would do it in the first place or do it again after it happened but, hey, I was proven wrong on that.
Alolan_Apples
Apple Imperialist
I never heard such cases where someone cheated on their girlfriend for revenge for cheating on them.
I once heard that breaking a girl's heart (if you're male) is the last thing you want to do. Cheating on a girlfriend or wife makes you a scumbag, and so does breaking a girl's heart (figuratively).
I once heard that breaking a girl's heart (if you're male) is the last thing you want to do. Cheating on a girlfriend or wife makes you a scumbag, and so does breaking a girl's heart (figuratively).
So what about the other way around?
Is breaking a boys heart okay? Does cheating on your husband make you fantastic human being?
Alolan_Apples
Apple Imperialist
No, it doesn't make you a decent human being. But the reason why breaking a girl's heart is taken more seriously...it's hard to explain.
Are you kidding me?
Princess Weeb
What's 1,000 minus 7?
If you didn't properly discuss the first incident with him when it happened then this is possibly why he is unsure as to whether his actions were as a result of yours.I've never cheated on anyone but I can imagine that the feeling afterwards is kinda weird and confusing I suppose.
For ages I knew that there was something going on between my current boyfriend and my best friend and a lot was going on behind my back. It's very difficult to explain but they ended up kissing one night while very drunk and while almost all of my friends knew, noone told me until a year later.
Safe to say I was pretty heartbroken. I didn't leave because the situation was complicated and it meant nothing but I felt pretty betrayed by everyone around me. One of my first instincts was revenge even though I wouldn't enjoy it at all, I just wanted him to feel the same pain that I did, and I wonder if this is what made him do/made him feel less weird about doing what he did. He may have said he was over it but if you never talked about it properly then I promise you he wasn't over it at all.
Idk yeah
- - - Post Merge - - -
because men are raised to eventually perpetuate this cold/hard exterior-ed figure that can't show emotion at all and it's probably one of the worst "gender roles"(if you were to use that term) imo really.
For ages I knew that there was something going on between my current boyfriend and my best friend and a lot was going on behind my back. It's very difficult to explain but they ended up kissing one night while very drunk and while almost all of my friends knew, noone told me until a year later.
Safe to say I was pretty heartbroken. I didn't leave because the situation was complicated and it meant nothing but I felt pretty betrayed by everyone around me. One of my first instincts was revenge even though I wouldn't enjoy it at all, I just wanted him to feel the same pain that I did, and I wonder if this is what made him do/made him feel less weird about doing what he did. He may have said he was over it but if you never talked about it properly then I promise you he wasn't over it at all.
Idk yeah
- - - Post Merge - - -
because men are raised to eventually perpetuate this cold/hard exterior-ed figure that can't show emotion at all and it's probably one of the worst "gender roles"(if you were to use that term) imo really.
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What goes around comes back around.
His responses are just priceless. "I dunno" "I dunno", it's not "I dunno", it's either yes or no. That's just going to make things even more complicated, which is why you're here now. If you're hurt about it, then you still love him. Maybe a reality check that this was how he was feeling a few years back. We don't know how he's feeling or thinking, it's just "I dunno", like he doesn't care. It happened. But how do you make out when you're drunk? How do you even remember that you kiss/makeout if you were drunk? You were fully aware that one thing was going to lead to another. Isn't everything supposed to be a blur when you're drunk? Just curious.
Anyways, something will happen and you can carry out things from there. Maybe the relationship was starting to get dull so he made out with a friend to get a feeling..back? He wasn't hesitant. LOL he told you afterwards but it seems silly.
His responses are just priceless. "I dunno" "I dunno", it's not "I dunno", it's either yes or no. That's just going to make things even more complicated, which is why you're here now. If you're hurt about it, then you still love him. Maybe a reality check that this was how he was feeling a few years back. We don't know how he's feeling or thinking, it's just "I dunno", like he doesn't care. It happened. But how do you make out when you're drunk? How do you even remember that you kiss/makeout if you were drunk? You were fully aware that one thing was going to lead to another. Isn't everything supposed to be a blur when you're drunk? Just curious.
Anyways, something will happen and you can carry out things from there. Maybe the relationship was starting to get dull so he made out with a friend to get a feeling..back? He wasn't hesitant. LOL he told you afterwards but it seems silly.
This is why I'm against alcohol, just saying.
That's because girls are stereotypically weak and fragile and emotional. If one doesn't think vice versa is just as bad then that person has serious yet way too common social issues.
That's because girls are stereotypically weak and fragile and emotional. If one doesn't think vice versa is just as bad then that person has serious yet way too common social issues.
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No, I seriously doubt he is.
@OP: He needs to take some time to think and come up with some answers. I'd be pissed if all I got were "I dunnos" & "maybes" in a situation like that.
Princess Weeb
What's 1,000 minus 7?
Amissapanda
Manda Panda
Honestly, if he's being that wishy-washy instead of reassuring you about what happened, how he feels about you and the relationship you share, especially when you need it, I would say that is a bright red warning sign. Playing with someone's feelings or tossing them aside is just not acceptable, regardless of who is doing it. It takes two people to move past wrong-doing/cheating or anything like that between them in a relationship.
I don't mean to be harsh, but if he's not taking this seriously and if he didn't flat out tell you strongly "no" when you asked if he liked her/had feelings for her, in my opinion, he doesn't deserve you or what you have/had together.
For the record, I don't condone cheating at all. If it was ever done to me, I would be done with that relationship. Period.
I don't mean to be harsh, but if he's not taking this seriously and if he didn't flat out tell you strongly "no" when you asked if he liked her/had feelings for her, in my opinion, he doesn't deserve you or what you have/had together.
For the record, I don't condone cheating at all. If it was ever done to me, I would be done with that relationship. Period.
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Alolan_Apples
Apple Imperialist
Yeah, alcohol can do weird things to your body. That's why I don't drink alcohol. I had less than 4 fl oz of alcohol in my entire life.
I was about to say that. Also, for a very long time, men had all the power. Our current congress, justices, and cabinet are still male dominant. And you don't want men to be even more overpowered (which includes breaking girls' hearts).
50/50, meaning fifty percent of him was capable of making the decision to cheat or not. He chose to.
He "doesn't know" if he likes her?
...yeah, no. I wouldn't feel comfortable with those responses.
Amissapanda
Manda Panda
I'm in agreement with this, too. I don't drink, period. And I can't imagine being put into a state where my actions, behaviors, and words are no longer entirely under my control. That's a pretty terrifying concept.
Not to villify anyone who likes to drink/get drunk, though. I wouldn't say it's trashy, necessarily. If you enjoy it, or it helps you loosen up/relieve stress and you drink responsibly and don't drive under the influence or do anything dangerous, that's great for you. They even say a glass of wine a day is actually quite good for you (assuming you aren't pregnant, etc).
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