Fraternization in the Workplace - is it wrong?

Hey, I brought this up in the "What's bothering you" thread, because this is REALLY bugging me so I thought I would start a dialogue about it.

So I am in university. I am a TA (Teaching Assistant). My job is to help the professor with lecture preparation, grade tests, proctor examinations, etc...

I even got to lecture on Monday - which was SUPER exciting (the students LOVED it) it was great! In front of 200 students too, for a full hour on a chapter of the textbook I wrote myself as his Research Assistant.

I have worked for this professor for almost 5 years. I have a great deal of respect for him, but lately his conduct has raised some flags that ave caused some concern that I brought to his attention.

Now it is none of my business what he does in his personal life. However this is my working environment. And it is causing a lot of favouritism and misconduct that is unprofessional and I fear that since myself and the other TAs are noticing it, the students will notice it too, which could risk his integrity as a professor and his position, etc, etc...

I noticed him being very flirtatious with one of the other TAs, both in and outside of class. Giggling, laughing, being distracted, her arm on his back, that sort of thing. My boyfriend is a TA too and we maintain professional conduct at work so the students don't know we are dating. Its common sense.

I met with the professor on Sunday to talk about it. The TA I suspect he is romantically involved with was around, in his office, but we were in a separate room. I brought up issues like her lack of punctuality. How she shows up late to class and how that might look to the students. I brought up their misconduct and outright asked if they were romantically involved. He didn't admit it, but he didn't outright deny it either.

Instead he went on tis rant about how a 54 year old man should be able to date a 25 year old woman. How people of differing cultures should be encouraged to date. How she isn't a student so it doesn't infringe on Senate bylaws about dating students. To me, that admits he is dating this TA. However there are Bylaws that state that Professors shouldn't date TAs or employees in general. He says this in an infringement on his hunan rights if he falls in love with one. But it opens the doors to favouritism which is already being seen one month into the semester. He says this is an unfair claim.

I have seniority in the position as TA. I have the most experience. I helped write the textbook. I have lectured for the course 5 times. I have TA'd the course 3 semesters and the second half 2 semesters. But yet I have been demoted and this TA that is not a student (she has already graduated - he is mentoring her) took my position as Lead TA even though I have more experience and deserve the position more than she does. Probably because they are romantically involved or something of the sort. Favouritism, either way.

Now, she eavesdropped on our conversation. This as been confirmed and witnessed. I don't know what she heard. But she has given me the cold shoulder ever since. She didn't even attend my lecture, even though I valued her input and wanted to continue a harmonious working relationship with her. She wants nothing to do with me. I think her and the professor had a talk afterwards too. I am deeply hurt by this. I don't want conflict.

As for the advice I have heard from you guys, "Report it to Human Rights!" - its not that simple. Reporting it would mean sacrificing all I have worked towards the past 5 years. Compromising my letter of recommendation for when I go for my Masters. Compromising all the work I have put into my Academic Vita (my academic resume, mostly comprised of the work I have done for him). Reporting him would cause friction between him and I, not to mention, he has had the thought of retiring in 8 years and if I have my PhD by then he wants to pass the course onto me. I NEED to have a civil working relationship with him. I can't just report this and be done with it.

I have gone to Human Right just to inquire what the Bylaws state about dating TAs that aren't students are. Still waiting to hear back. If it comes up in conversation I will tell the professor what the outcome is.

What are your opinions?

Thanks for reading.

no. it is not professional.
i don't think you can really do anything though


.. maybe flirt with the your professor to beat the other woman? wear lots of makeup and use your boyfriend to make him jealous!

I was gonna say if it's college and there are of legal age then it shouldn't matter to you but I can see it's a work thing so it's more complicated.

Honestly...just ignore it though. Don't compromise your future because you don't approve of his actions.

It just makes things REALLY awkward. And her whole hatred towards me drives me NUTS. And then there is the favouritism. I deserve Lead TA - yet she gets it and she is less qualified. WHY?! Is it even worth fighting for?

KiloPatches said:

It just makes things REALLY awkward. And her whole hatred towards me drives me NUTS. And then there is the favouritism. I deserve Lead TA - yet she gets it and she is less qualified. WHY?! Is it even worth fighting for?

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Sometimes stupid stuff happens and there is nothing you can do about it. Maybe report it to the higher up people? I don't know man i'm by no means experienced in this kind of stuff.

KiloPatches said:

It just makes things REALLY awkward. And her whole hatred towards me drives me NUTS. And then there is the favouritism. I deserve Lead TA - yet she gets it and she is less qualified. WHY?! Is it even worth fighting for?

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Because life is unfair. It really is. Is Lead TA your ultimate goal in life or is being an actual professor your dream? I say just tough it out so you can get your letter of recommendation.

And I understand its awkward but don't get involved because you'll probably ruin everything for yourself

- - - Post Merge - - -

Or you can TA for someone else. Unless your stuck with this guy?

LoveMcQueen said:

Because life is unfair. It really is. Is Lead TA your ultimate goal in life or is being an actual professor your dream? I say just tough it out so you can get your letter of recommendation.

And I understand its awkward but don't get involved because you'll probably ruin everything for yourself

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I'm too assertive. I stand up for I know is right. Not enough to "ruin everything for myself". He has WAY too much respect for me for that, to ruin our relationship just because I voice my opinion. But I will not sit back on the side lines. I won't be rude about it. I will be frank about it, but not rude or disrespectful.

As far as I know, I am stuck with him. Its already October 1st. I would be hard pressed to find another TA position this late. I don't even get that many hours or get paid that much. I do it because I love it.

Think of it as a risk assessment. Weigh the pros and cons of any decision you might make (reporting it vs. not reporting it).

It sounds a lot more complicated than mere workplace fraternization, and imo may not be worth it to report him. You're putting in a huge investment to the future of your career, so it almost doesn't seem worth the risk. If you decide not to report him, try to patch up your working relationship with the professor & the other TA. Who knows, they may have a falling out and you could end up back in a more desirable position. I feel like a lot of workplace romances don't turn out well, but of course some do and it may be entirely possible that those two individuals should be together for whatever reason.

Motte said:

Think of it as a risk assessment. Weigh the pros and cons of any decision you might make (reporting it vs. not reporting it).

It sounds a lot more complicated than mere workplace fraternization, and imo may not be worth it to report him. You're putting in a huge investment to the future of your career, so it almost doesn't seem worth the risk. If you decide not to report him, try to patch up your working relationship with the professor & the other TA. Who knows, they may have a falling out and you could end up back in a more desirable position. I feel like a lot of workplace romances don't turn out well, but of course some do and it may be entirely possible that those two individuals should be together for whatever reason.

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As I said, reporting it isn't good on any front, no matter how you look at it. I shudder at the thought of them remaining together and having a continuing relationship. Because who knows, maybe that would put my career at risk down the road and he would give the professorship to her instead of me.

First off, let me say that I truly feel for you. Workplace politics can be incredibly stressful and the right choice in these situations isn't always clear.

The way I see it, you have two options. You can report their behavior and the favoritism to HR (or the higher ups) and perhaps they'll intervene and something will be done. But, if something is done, it's plausible that both the professor and his main squeeze will end up losing their positions at the university and you likely won't be any further ahead for having done so.

On the other hand, you can recognize that workplace politics and favoritism are commonplace, especially in white collar professions. As disparaging as this may sound, this will probably be the first of many situations where who you know trumps talent, hard work, and experience. Having been in the workforce a number of years, I've witnessed this same situation time and time again. While I don't agree with it, I do recognize that unless you're the one in charge you're bound to get the short end of the stick sometimes.

My best advice would be to choose your battles wisely, and to maintain a realistic viewpoint of the situation. It's up to you to decide if it's worth risking what you've worked for to see the "right" thing be done in regards to their unprofessional behavior, or if you can stomach things the way they are and be done with it all in a few years when you begin your career.

Again, I'm sorry to hear of your predicament, but it sounds like you're being logical enough about everything. Moral dilemmas are always tricky and it's terribly frustrating to be involved in something like this. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out in the end.

That is an unfortunate possibility. I would just focus on doing a job well done, and let her actions speak for her. I'd like to think this professor has the integrity to make the professorship decision based on merit. It sounds like you're already a hard worker, but you just have to work that much harder to prove you're worth it.

I agree with what the person above me has said. It sounds like a very frustrating situation to have to deal with his favoritism and unprofessional behavior without being able to report it because it would affect your career, but all I can think of suggesting to you is to keep proving yourself time and time again that you are the better TA. Blow that other girl out of the water! Just from what you've written in your post, I have full faith that you can.

I'm incredibly sorry to hear that you're dealing with something like this, seeing as you work so hard and are so passionate about what you do. I sincerely hope everything works out for you.

The professor you're working with sounds kinda... gross, but my advice would be to just suck it up and try and remain civil, because I don't think it's worth it to lose everything that you've worked for because a prof couldnt keep his **** in his pants.

and I have no clue where you are, but in my university it's pretty well known that one of the psych profs married a TA of his (while he was around 40, girl was around mid 20s; they're divorced now though). He's still teaching and for all intents and purposes a pretty great professor, so I'm not sure if reporting your prof would do anything other than give him a bad impression of you.

No it's unprofessional (ironic isn't it?) and inappropriate in the case you have described. It should at the very least be kept a private relationship, at least on campus....

Thank you, everyone, for your feedback.
It is a sticky situation. I can really only be civil, suck it up as best as I can, and deal with the awkwardness and unfairness the favouritism brings.
Any other comments?

Motte said:

Think of it as a risk assessment. Weigh the pros and cons of any decision you might make (reporting it vs. not reporting it).

It sounds a lot more complicated than mere workplace fraternization, and imo may not be worth it to report him. You're putting in a huge investment to the future of your career, so it almost doesn't seem worth the risk. If you decide not to report him, try to patch up your working relationship with the professor & the other TA. Who knows, they may have a falling out and you could end up back in a more desirable position. I feel like a lot of workplace romances don't turn out well, but of course some do and it may be entirely possible that those two individuals should be together for whatever reason.

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this.

I'm not really sure what advice we can give you, because as you've said, you don't want to report him and risk all you've worked for. So if you've already decided that then I guess all you can do is try to remain civil with the two of them and hope that he grows a brain in his damn head.

And if I were you I wouldn't worry about the students noticing. If they do and he loses integrity as a professor that's his own fault, and it sounds like he sure as hell is being unprofessional so there is a valid reason. Maybe then he'll get some sort of warning and get his act together.

Anyways, I'm sorry there's not a better solution to this. I hope that it works out for you soon and something changes because that is just ridiculous. There is nothing worse then somebody else ruining your workplace experience. I used to have a job I loved and had to quit because my boss was insanely verbally abusive and treated her workers like dirt. It's extremely irritating when you miss out on an opportunity just because of somebody else doing something so clearly selfish.

UPDATE: I met wit a student today to go over her test results and she outright asked me, "Is [inset professor's name] banging [insert TA's name]? I see them together and the way they act in class its SO obvious..." I stayed professional and said, "I am not at liberty to say either way" and deferred the conversation. But now even the STUDENTS are noticing!